A/N Thanks to everyone who reviewed.

Some of the dialogue is borrowed from Grey's Anatomy 2x27 Losing My Religion

To all who have this story on their favourite/story alert list, I'm flattered and thankful, but it would be nice if you'd leave a review at least every once in a while, it is really encouraging to read that you like the story/why you like the story, even what you don't like.

"Meredith, please no, Meredith." Her body was limp in his arms and it might just be his imagination but he could almost feel the warmth leaving her. He could feel tears running down his face and he was dimly aware that his body was shaking, but nothing mattered as he rocked Meredith gently. Because Meredith wasn't breathing, because Meredith had been declared dead ten minutes ago. It was ridiculous, Meredith couldn't be dead. She wasn't done living yet. He wasn't done loving her yet.

"I love you, Mer, please." People were starting to crowd around him, they'd try to make him let go of her soon, but he wouldn't. He had let go of her before and now she was dead when he had promised to take care of her. He had failed her again. He buried his face in her hair, the faint smell of lavender still lingering under all the hospital smells, as he held onto her tight.

"Derek." Bailey was there. "You need to let go of her."

"Can't." he gasped. "I promised I'd take care of her."

"And you did." Bailey's voice was gentle. "There is nothing you could have done, you need to let go of her."

"I'm not leaving Meredith." He had left her, he hadn't chosen her and now she was dead.

"Derek." Bailey touched his shoulder gently. "The minute she died, she stopped being Meredith. I know you loved her, and she loved you too but she wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."

"But..."

"Just let her go." Bailey's was firmer now. Derek frowned, he didn't want to let go of Meredith, but Bailey had always liked and protected Meredith, so if she said it was okay to let go it probably was. He pressed his lips onto hers gently for one last time, with a little childish hope she'd be like Sleeping Beauty for then she might wake from his kiss. But of course she didn't because it was just a fairytale and there was no life less fairytale-like than Meredith Grey's. He stared into her dull eyes. Once they had been vibrant and alive, now death stared back at him.

"I'll find you again, Mer." he promised. "I will find you and we'll have our forever." He gently let go of her body and climbed of her bed. Reaching forward, he closed her eyes. Meredith was dead. Gone. He was at loss what to do now. Meredith was gone. Dead. When his dad had died, he had thought there was no pain worse than it, but he had been wrong. Meredith being dead hurt a thousand times worse. They were broken up, she may have no longer been his but she still had been around. Now she wouldn't be. No more stolen moments in the elevator, no more accidental touching when handing over a chart, no more Meredith. Meredith was dead. Worse yet, she had died not knowing he loved her. He had never told her how much she meant to him, that she was his everything. And now he would never get the chance. Despair settled in his soul. He was numb and yet feeling everything at once.

Derek's eyes flew open. His chest was tight and for a second he was convinced he was about to have a heart attack. His stomach churned as he started retching. He pressed his hand onto his mouth, desperately trying to reach the bathroom before he threw up. He crouched down in front of the toilet just in time before he became violently sick, his stomach constricting painfully as it emptied. It had been so real, he swore he could still feel Meredith limp body against him as he held her tight. She had been dead. His stomach clenched harder and the disgusting taste of vomit was replaced with the burning bitterness of bile he now threw up since his stomach was long since empty. In his nightmare, Meredith had died. Tears were running down his face and he had no idea if it was because of his dream or because he kept throwing up. It had to have been a dream. He had seen Meredith just a few hours ago and she had been fine. Upset but alive. He suppressed the desire to grab his phone and call her. He was in no condition to move. A wet washcloth cleaned his face of sweat, tears and vomit while another hand gently rubbed up and down his back. Addison. It felt calming, but he only wanted Meredith. Only Meredith could make this feeling go away.

"You are completely drenched in sweat, Derek. You need to change."

"Hmmm..." he rested his head on his forarms, tiredly leaning on the toilet. Meredith had died. Not really, only in his dream, but real enough that he had just spent the last 20 minutes throwing up.

"Derek." Addison's hand ran through his hair. "If you don't feel like you are going to throw up right now, you need to change and come back to bed. Sleep will make you feel better." Only Derek knew that not to be true, because sleeping meant closing his eyes and closing his eyes meant he would see Meredith. That would normally make him feel very happy and slightly guilty, but tonight he would see Meredith's pale, lifeless body. His stomach clenched and he retched again. He had a feeling he would see that image for a very long time and only seeing Meredith alive might lessen the pain over time.

"I have a look if we have saltines and Ginger Ale. Come back to bed once you feel a bit better." Derek could only nod. He didn't need the guilt he felt because Addison was caring for him while he grieved for the dream-dead of the other woman by throwing up, on top of all the pain Merediths dream-dead meant for him. His stomach felt calmer now, he felt calmer now after the immediate panic of Meredith being dead had settled down. He stood up to brush his teeth. Derek was almost tempted to ask who the man was that stared at him out of the mirror. It was not him, or it had not been him a few weeks ago. His eyes were red-rimmed and the lines on his face more pronounced, grimmer than he remembered them to be. He would swear that there hadn't been grey hairs just a few weeks ago, but now there were definitely a few grey hairs in his dark locks. He looked tired, exhausted, older than the 40 years he was. He slowly changed out of his sweaty clothes into fresh pj's.

He stared against the wall as he curled up in bed, his stomach was still rolling but it was better now, the more time passed since the nightmare. Meredith had died. In his dream she suddenly was dead, without any apparent cause to it. One minute she had been there, and then she had been gone. A dead, lifeless body in his arms. Would he ever forget how it felt to hold her lifeless body against his, would he ever be able to look her into the eyes again without being afraid to see death staring back at him? Why now? Why dream of Meredith's death? She was in no immediate danger of dying. Sure, there was the surgery in a few days, but that was more or less routine and he had no reason to think that hers would be any different. Surgery was good, it meant they were starting to fight the cancer.

When the alarm went off, Derek hadn't closed his eyes once since he had woken up from the nightmare. He was too afraid to see her dead body should he dare to close his eyes, too afraid his subconsciousness would think up an even more horrifying nightmare should he dare to sleep, too upset to even truly try as his thoughts ran a mile a minute in circles. He felt world-weary as he forced his body out of the bed. Every bone in his body hurt. He wished nothing more than to stay in bed all day, preferable with Meredith curled up around him, hiding from the world. He had to go to work. The Head of Neurosurgery couldn't just play hooky because a nightmare had frightened him like a little boy. Besides, he wouldn't feel truly better until he had seen Meredith well and alive.

"You are going in today?" Addison questioned him while he got dressed.

"Yes."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, you were pretty sick last night."

"I feel better now" he lied. "Must have been something I ate and now that it's out of my system, I'm good."

"If you say so." he was almost certain she didn't believe him but she dropped it and these days he took whatever he got, desperate not to start his day with a fight. He just had to get to work and then he would see Meredith and he would feel better. The drive to work felt longer than usual and he dreaded having to get out of the car and work. It was long and tedious, he was tired and hadn't caught more than a quick glimpse of Meredith. It was like she was avoiding him, not that he hadn't expected it after last night in the elevator, but he needed to see her, to feel her to know she was okay. If he could just curl up somewhere and sleep, then it would be better, but before he saw Meredith, it would mean only more nightmares of that he was sure. If he could just sleep with Meredith, just sleep with her warm body right next to his, that would make sure the nightmares would stay away and he could get rest. Only Meredith would never agree and Addison would throw a fit and if he were a good husband and friend he wouldn't even be thinking about this. He was just soo tired. People seemed slower and more stupid than usual and just about everything grated on his nerves today.

"Someday, Dr. Bailey, you will remember that I am the Head of Neurosurgery and you are just a resident. That makes me your boss. Now do as I asked you unless of course the Chief is right mommy-tracking you and you are no longer the capable surgeon you used to be in which case just stay out of my way!" Derek's booming voice was cold as ice. He normally didn't mind that Bailey constantly overstepped her boundaries as a resident and had no problems telling attendings and even the Head of Departments or the Chief what she thought of them, it was good for his ego, but today he couldn't deal with it. Today, Bailey didn't scare him. Because last night, Meredith had been dead in his arms. And Bailey had been part of that dream, so every time he had seen Bailey today, he had seen Meredith dead in his arms, her eyes void of life. The nurse station was silent. It was as if everyone had stopped to look, to hear what was happening. It was never silent in the hospital, but right now you would be able to hear a pin drop. "Page me once you're done, I have work to do." his voice carried, cut through the silence. He walked away fast with what he hoped looked like purpose instead of what it was, him fleeing the scene. He had been completely unfair and more than a little out of line. Bailey was doing good work, both as a surgeon and as a teacher to her interns.. There was a reason why Bailey's interns were the best. He was pretty sure she had the most talented interns, but hers were also the most complicated, hardest to handle interns the hospital employed. Just because she now had a baby, she wasn't less of a surgeon. He knew that. Meredith and the other Interns caught his eye. They looked surprised and even angry. He had known they were a loyal bunch, but he hadn't known their loyalty extended over to Bailey. Meredith, she looked disappointed and … guilty? What reason did Meredith have to look guilty? And why did she looked like he had disappointed her. Another thing to think about. Not that there wasn't already enough on his mind, with Meredith telling him where to put his words last night and him no closer to a solution, with Meredith being dead in his dream. He resisted the urge to run his hand through his hair. He had made a mistake yelling at Bailey. Not only had it been uncalled for, it had also been inappropriate. He had yelled at Bailey in front of her interns. You never yelled at someone in front of their inferiors. It didn't work well with discipline. Of course, there was also the small fact that he had made an ass out of himself. He could feel the eyes of people burning holes in the back of his head. He could already here the gossip, McDreamy not being dreamy, cracking under having to juggle a wife and a mistress... The truth was, he was cracking, only for completely different reason than Seattle Grace Gossip would talk about. When he felt he had put enough distance between himself and the scene he slipped into an on-call room. If he were honest with himself, he would admit that he was hiding from the world. Hiding from Addison who sure would have something to say about how he had treated Bailey, they were kind of friends. Hiding from the Chief who'd have an opinion on how he had treated the Chief's protégée. Hiding from the eyes of people starving for a little more gossip. Hiding from Meredith. That was the worst of all, how she had looked at him after he had yelled at Bailey. It was almost as bad as the pain in her eyes yesterday. He pressed the heal of his hands into his eyes. He would not cry, not in the hospital.

"Derek?" He looked up. There she was, standing in the doorway, gnawing on her bottom lip.

"Please don't, Meredith." he whispered, already it took all of his willpower not to pull her in his arms, to hold onto her. Right now, he still had something resembling control, but if he were to hold her, he surely would fall apart. She walked inside ignoring him, closing the door behind her.

"You can't just yell at Bailey like that, Derek. Don't be an ass just because you can't handle it. It's fine, don't worry about it, you can step aside now. Everyone knows, the others can help out, you don't have to any more." He swallowed heavily. Step aside? Not help her? How could she even think that, he needed to be there for her, he needed to be by her side during this. How could she not see that not being by her side through this wasn't even a choice? How could she not see that he'd do anything for her? And he was right back where he had been last night in the elevator, how would he make her see it, how could he make her understand. She had been dead, somehow he couldn't get past the fact that he had held her dead body close in his nightmare. He could still feel the grief, the despair he had felt in the dream, together with the complete numbness that followed because what was there left for him to feel with Meredith dead, aside from pain and grief and despair? A sob forced itself out. His body shook as he fought against the tears threatening to fall. They fell anyways. Meredith looked at him with something akin to fear. He had always been collected around her, the only time he remembered not being had been when he had told her about Addison and Mark and even then he was more collected than not. Everything was falling apart, he was unravelling by the seams, the control he usually held on so tightly vanishing, his emotions out of control.

"Meredith." he pleaded. Pleaded to be left alone, pleaded to be held, pleaded for her to do something other than just stand there frozen in one place.

Thanks everyone for reading :-) See y'all next week

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To reader "Juni", the Cristina calling Mer 'baby' is taking out of 1x05 Shake Your Groove Thing