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Chapter 13- Christmas Woes

The four students were shocked and overly annoyed when Professor Binns refused to answer Sarah's question regarding Nicholas Flamel and abruptly changed the subject. To make matters worse, it was an even droller lesson than usual (if that was at all possible) and Sarah and Hermione had to take turns kicking the boys, who were dozing off, in the shin.

With the holidays coming up in a month, the professors had piled more work on them than normal. The four of them spent a lot of time in the library or in the Gryffindor common room studying. Fred and George would occasionally join them, but they would never really study just distract the quad by playing some random tricks on them. They were aiming to get Sarah to laugh sometimes. While she never talked about her mother, she didn't laugh as much as she used to which bothered the twins. Fred especially made sure that Sarah was around when one of their major tricks was underway and would take great delight in seeing Sarah chuckle in passing.

Sarah began having her weekly session with Snape. The first one didn't go as smoothly as either of them wanted it to, partly because Snape seemed annoyed with her the minute she walked in the door. In class, he was simply indifferent, which she understood even though it hurt her some, but she would rather have that than irritated with her!

After gesturing impatiently for her to sit, he barely gave her time to do so before he jumped right into her, "Drop the Nicolas Flamel hunt Sarah."

Sarah placed her books on the couch next to her, shocked. "How did you know?" she stammered.

"It doesn't matter." Snape shook his head emphatically. "Drop it Black." Snape practically was growling at her, dark eyes narrowed, arms crossed.

Sarah took a look at his stern demeanor and became frustrated. She should have known that no matter what, he wouldn't be different than before. Still, she should still try to explain if he would even listen (which Sarah believed there was little chance of).

"But…Professor…" Sarah squirmed uncomfortably under his gaze. "I mean, Uncle…" Snape glared at her some more. "I mean, Professor…agh." Sarah gave up, sinking down on the couch, her face growing red. "I don't know what you want from me!" Sarah groaned with a pout, stamping her foot.

"I want you and your friends to do what every other student does and mind your own business." Snape said harshly.

Sarah jumped up. "Fine" She responded, throwing her papers across the room at Snape and stomped towards the door.

Snape acted quickly to cast a locking charm on the door. Sarah had her hand on the doorknob and realizing what he just did, she turned around, shaking, unable to control her anger. Snape didn't realize how out of hand the situation had become until he studied his niece's face and he felt a twinge of guilt for handling it so poorly.

"Sit down Sarah" He told the young girl calmly.

Sarah looked at him with tears in her eyes, contemplating his command. She was angry, but also hurt. She hated Snape so much at times, but then at other times, she was seeing another side of him like when he bandaged her knee or tucked her into bed.

Sighing and realizing she had no choice (with the door being locked and everything), Sarah managed to sit down at the edge of the couch and tried hard to prevent the tears from spilling over.

Snape leaned forward putting his elbows on his knees.

"I'm sorry" he sputtered. It was hard for him to apologize to anyone but after a deep breath he continued,

"I should have said that differently. But you owe me an apology too for your attitude." He added firmly.

Sarah couldn't believe that Snape actually apologized to her. Two tears escaped and she whispered, "I'm sorry for throwing down the papers sir."

"Alright, it's past us then. I'm serious though Sarah about Nicholas Flamel. You need to let it go. It's too dangerous for you to be putting your nose where it doesn't belong. Do you understand?"

Sarah wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Yes, sir." Sarah responded with a sigh.

"Good. Let's take a look at your grades, shall we?" Snape conjured over the pieces of paper Sarah threw and shuffled through them.

He should have known it was far too easy.

Snape's following sessions with Sarah were far less dramatic. He actually found his niece to be charming for a little brat. Perhaps, that was because she was a miniature Grace. Her father's personality only popped up periodically, but overall she had the temperament and mannerisms of her mother. While she questioned his authority at first, she seemed to resign herself to her new life. Children were resilient, Severus supposed, though it actually concerned him that she lost some of her spunk and she hardly ever smiled anymore, even with her friends.

Christmas holidays were approaching rapidly and Severus decided that it was time to breech the topic of Grace once again. Sarah came into his quarters, papers in hand. She looked tired, which wasn't to be unexpected as the work usually piled up at this point in the year. His eyes narrowed at her pale face though, and she sniffled as handed him her papers. He had noticed that she was particularly lethargic in potions today, but he didn't think much of it, until now.

"You feeling ok, Black?" Severus asked casually, as he sifted through her essays.

"Just a cold" Sarah murmured, shivering. "I'm fine." She coughed a bit.

"Uh huh" Severus put the papers aside and sat down next to her. "You don't look fine. Have you seen Madame Pomfrey?"

"NO!" Sarah shook her head, scooting away from him. "I'm not sick" She responded petulantly.

Snape fought the urge to roll his eyes. Sighing, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back towards him. Summoning a thermometer, he shook it before saying, "Open your mouth, Black. And yes, this is the only time, I will probably tell you to do that." Severus said at Sarah's smirk.

"Fine, but I'm not sick" Sarah said, still cross.

"And then your temperature will be normal" Severus said, conjuring his patience. Grace was always far more bratty the usual when she was sick. He remembered that quite well from childhood. Of course, he had to take care of her, because Merlin forbid his parents actually acted like ones.

Severus removed the thermometer when it beeped. "38.5" he sighed. "You're sick, Sarah."

"But I'm not sick" Sarah whined, when truth was she felt awful.

"To bed, Black." Severus ignored her as he helped her rise. At Sarah's panic, he clarified, "Not the hospital ward, though you should really go there. You can stay here. I'll give you some potions to help." Severus led her gently by the arm to her room and pulled out a pair of pajamas. He pushed Sarah into the bathroom, commanding her to change as he went to his room to get some potions for her. Severus came back to find the child practically asleep over the covers. He lifted her, so he could place her underneath them and then sat her up to take the potions.

"Sarah, you need to take these." Severus said. Sarah groaned but took the potion from him, swallowing it before sliding down to sink her heavy head into her pillow. It did feel good and the covers were so warm. She shivered some more and Snape reached over to add another blanket.

"I think I'm sick Uncle Sev." Sarah pouted.

Severus rolled his eyes. "I'm glad you have finally come to your senses. Now, don't leave this bed except to go to the bathroom."

Sarah nodded into her pillow. "Uh huh" she responded sleepily.

Leaving the door cracked, he left her to sleep.

When he returned to check on her two hours later, he found her awake, but still miserable and agitated. She was sniffling and trying to hide herself beneath her covers

"What's wrong, Black?" Severus asked, pulling the covers slightly back to look at her more closely. His hand then moved to her flushed cheeks which were stained with tears. Severus noted that she still felt warm and the potions hadn't been enough to break her fever.

"Mum, she had no right to leave me without telling me." Tears rolled down Sarah's cheeks and Severus reached to smooth the covers down over her.

"Sarah, your mother thought she was doing what was right." Severus pulled up a chair beside her bed.

"Do you think it was right?" Sarah asked, shaking. Severus couldn't tell whether she was shaking from the fever or the tears.

"No" Severus responded slowly, letting out a breath. "I don't. You had the right to say goodbye to your mum."

Sarah closed her eyes. "I'm still really tired. And really hot. But kind of cold too. I can't decide, Uncle Sev. Maybe it is my face is hot and the rest of me is cold?"

Severus summoned a wet washcloth to place on her forehead.

"If you are tired Black, go back to sleep." Severus replied, logically. Without argument, Sarah fell back into a restless sleep. Snape made no move to get up, but watched his niece sleep.

"How do I help her?" Snape put his elbows on his knees, folding his hands, thinking. "Your mum was wrong, Sarah." He whispered. "But she loved you. That was her problem."

After spending the next day in bed, Sarah was feeling much better. Severus decided to allow her to stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays. Harry, Ron, and the twins would be staying and he thought it would be good for her to be around her friends.

Christmas morning Sarah ran down the steps to the Gryffindor common room to find Ron and Harry eagerly opening presents. Harry was lifting up a slivery cloak when they saw her.

"Happy Christmas Sarah" Harry and Ron said together.

"Happy Christmas Harry. Happy Christmas Ron!" She smiled and hugged both of them and then looked at what was in Harry's hand

"What is that?" She asked.

"There was a note saying it was my Dad's and I should use it well." Harry said.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Put it on mate." Ron encouraged, taking a bite of his candy.

And when Harry did, the strangest thing happened. He became invisible!

"Wow! It's an invisibility cloak. Those are really rare." Ron said excitedly.

Sarah grinned, an idea coming to her. "You know what we can use it for Harry!" Sarah jumped up and down, gesturing widely at him. "We can go to the restricted section of the library!"

The boys laughed at her eagerness. "Open your presents Sarah." Ron said.

"Presents! I got presents!" Sarah said enthusiastically. She swung around, her braids smacking Ron on the face.

"And she hasn't even had candy yet" Ron murmured, rubbing his face.

Sarah got candy from Ron, Harry, and Hermione and a book on potions from Snape (Ron and Harry groaned for her but Sarah laughed at it) and a book on defense from Remus Lupin. Mrs. Weasley sent her a jumper with a letter S on it and some hair ribbons. Finally, there was a little package. Sarah recognized the handwriting, a sinking feeling in her stomach as she fought to catch her breath. It was her mum's.

At Sarah's look, Ron asked quickly, "What is it, Sarah?"

Sarah's face scrunched up as she tried to keep herself from crying and shook her head. After a few moments to compose herself, she managed to say, "It is from my Mum"

Unable to hold back the tears she opened the note as Ron and Harry watched awkwardly. Harry put his arm around her as she read the note, in a shaky voice.

Dear Sarah

I miss you so much. You are probably very angry with me right now and you have every right to be. I didn't want to leave you but I had no choice. I want you to remember the good times. You are my little girl and I will always love you. I know you will grow into a beautiful young woman. I'm sorry I won't be able to see it. Be nice to your Uncle Sev. He needs kindness too.

Love,

Mum

Sarah opened the package to find the photo album with all her mum's pictures. She had added some pictures of Sarah as a baby. She loved this old album and her mum knew that. Her mum always knew everything. Harry and Ron looked on as she flipped through the pictures, biting her lip. She stopped briefly at a picture of four boys.

Harry looked at her in amazement, "Wait. That's my dad!"

Sarah nodded quietly. "Have you never seen pictures of your parents, Harry" She asked.

Harry shook his head as tears started to fog his glasses, looking at his dad. "Do you have one of my mum?" he asked.

Sarah flipped to one of her favorite pictures. "I love this one."

Harry smiled, "That's me! And that's mum and dad" he said excitedly, pointing at the picture.

"Yep! And this is me!" Sarah pointed to the picture of herself being held by her dad.

"Is that your dad?" Ron asked.

"Yeah and there is Mum. Look how happy everyone looks." Sarah said as tears streamed down her face. She stood up to walk over to the couch and sat back down, slumping down.

"It's just not fair! Why didn't she tell me? I should have been able to say goodbye!" She cried, fists clenched, staring down at the picture of her mum.

The boys looked at her, not knowing what to do.

At that moment, the Weasley twins ran into the common room singing and dancing wearing their Weasley jumpers. They stopped at the somber expression on their friends' faces. They looked from Sarah to Ron and Harry back to Sarah holding an album in her hands looking intently at a picture.

Finally, Fred came beside Sarah and asked quietly, "Are these pictures of your Mum?" Sarah nodded and he put an arm around her as George moved to the other side of her. For a brief moment, Sarah rested her head on Fred's shoulder.

Then, quickly Sarah wiped the tears away. "It's Christmas. We should be having fun."

The twins exchanged a look. If Sarah needed distraction, then they would give it to her. "Let's go have a snowball fight!" Fred said, gleefully. "You and me against George, Harry, and Ron. You know we would make a good team!"

Sarah smiled at his enthusiasm, "You guys go ahead. I don't feel so well. I'm going to sleep." She trembled slightly.

"Sarah…" Ron said quietly, "are you ok?"

"I'm great" Sarah said as she stood up abruptly. "I just want to be alone, ok? I feel horrible for being so sad on Christmas."

"Sarah" Harry said softly. "I still miss my mum and dad."

"I know you do Harry" Sarah said gently as she hugged her friend. "I'm sorry."

Harry smiled. "Come outside with us."

"I really don't feel good. I'm going upstairs. Don't worry. Have fun boys." She said as she quickly left tears rolling down her face.

She crawled into her bed, hugged Paddy and sobbed in her pillow. She remained this way for several minutes. She was so intent on her memories of her mum and the sorrow she felt, she didn't hear when someone knocked on the door and came in quietly. The person sat on the edge of her bed and rubbed her back, somewhat awkwardly.

"Fred Weasley said you aren't feeling well." Sarah knew that voice and groaned inwardly. She didn't want Snape to see her so upset.

"What hurts?" Severus asked gently.

"Everything" Sarah moaned into her pillow.

"Why don't you turn over and let me look at you?" Severus rolled the child over and felt her head.

Severus looked at her carefully, looking for signs of a relapse. The child had clearly been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy and she was hiccupping. No, he took that back. The child had been sobbing. But sometimes children cried when they didn't feel well. Maybe his niece was one of those children. She cried a little bit when she was sick before. Sarah looked into his concerned eyes. "You don't feel feverish but sometimes the virus going around doesn't start with a fever."

Sarah sighed. "Uncle Sev, I just want everyone to leave me alone."

Severus chided himself. He should have realized what this was about. Putting Grace's present in Sarah's stack of presents had felt natural to him, but he should have known that would have opened up the wounds raw from spending the first holidays without her mum.

He put a gentle hand on her shoulder, squeezing. "Sarah, it's ok to miss your mother. I miss her very much as well."

"I just want to see her again. I want things to go back to the way they were. I just want my mum Uncle Sev." Without thinking, she sat up and buried her head in his chest and started sobbing.

Startled, Severus held the shaking child, somewhat uncomfortably, as he rubbed her back. As did so, he realized that both of them needed this. For so long, he didn't know how to help the child grieve. Not feeling comfortable with his own grief, he threw the issue under the carpet, hoping that time would take its course. But now he knew she just needed him to listen and to hold her. While holding a child wasn't natural to Severus, he knew this was the best thing for Sarah, and perhaps for him as well.

After holding Sarah for several minutes and letting her cry out her frustration and sorrow, he pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to her.

Then, what he said next surprised Sarah. He gently asked her if he could see Grace's present.

Sarah nodded and reached over to show him the album.

"Mum made this when I was little before everything happened. I know she would still take it out and look at it. I used to sneak in her bedroom and pull out the pictures to look at them." Sarah explained.

Severus took a deep breath and steeled himself. While the last thing he wanted to do was look at pictures of Sirius Black and his baby sister, he thought maybe this would help.

"Can you show them to me?" He asked.

Sarah nodded and for the next hour, Sarah and Severus went over each picture. Though it was difficult for him to see pictures of Grace and Black so happy he knew deep down that Sarah needed him to see these pictures with her. It was a part of the grieving process, one that Severus had to help her through.

Sometimes as Gracie used to say, love requires sacrifices. And each turn of the page proved that Severus Snape had begun to love this little girl who needed him.