I am sooooooooooooooooooo sorry this took so long. I am currently working on the next chapter.
As much as I want to avoid Sasuke, I am pleased that our company means I get to enjoy the fresh air and watch the sunset. I sit at one end of the porch, facing away from Sasuke, watching the sky. Everything is silent, allowing me to tune out the people around me. That is, until Lui-san approaches me.
"Good evening, Sakura-san," he smiles at me and I return it, motioning for him to sit beside me, "How have you been?"
"Better," I whisper admittedly, trying to keep my voice out of Sasuke's hearing range; no reason to stoke the fire, "I'm losing my mind here. I'm not sure how I'm going to last, he's so difficult."
"Most men are," his voice is low but it adds some levity before he says, "He is a sociopath."
I shift slightly to look at Sasuke. He's slouching somewhat as he watches the sky; he seems relaxed.
"Right," I turn back to Lui-san, "How are you? I haven't seen you in a couple days."
He smiles proudly.
"My wife is pregnant. She's due in a couple weeks so the midwife advised her to rest as much as possible. It's very hard for her to be so inactive so I took some time off to spend with her," his smile turns humorous and his eyes seem to no longer be focused on me, like he's remembering something.
"That's great," I beam, "Congratulations. Do you know what gender?"
"We want to be surprised, although everyone is convinced we're having a boy. I'll be happy either way," his smile reaches his eyes and I can see the love he holds for his soon to be family radiating from him. For the first time, I feel envious of that. All of my girlfriends have boyfriends, Naruto is married. Maybe it's because I'm faced with the absolute hopelessness of my love life. I've had plenty of boyfriends, guys still ask me out. But I just have really high standards right? They just haven't lived up to my expectations. What are my expectations? An image of Sasuke comes to mind, as does an incriminating memory of my midnight escapades in the shower. I dismiss the thought, that's just a silly childhood aspiration.
"Well, congratulations to you both, I think you'll be a great father," I smile, "I'd love to see pictures after they're born."
"I've requested time off so I doubt they'll let me back into the compound until I resume my post, but I'll be sure you get some," he says. Another guard steps forward.
"Time's up."
Sasuke scowls, but stands anyway. It's then that I recall I've neglected my duties as a nurse. I forgot to drain Sasuke this morning.
"Sasuke, I'll be up shortly to administer the sedative," he looks my way briefly then heads upstairs.
I trade places with a guard and hand Sasuke a bowl of vegetables and beef. He takes it and sets it aside.
"I want you out of here as soon as possible," his tone is even, dismissed, which somehow hurts me more than if he were biting and angry. He struggles to lift his shirt over his head, hissing and wincing as he does, but refuses my help. I drain him and change his dressings in silence, silently fuming and nursing hurt feelings. When I finish I don't move, though Sasuke looks at me expectantly. Finally he says, "I'm not in the mood, Sakura. Leave - "
"I'm sorry about what I said earlier."
"No, you're not," he shakes his head like he can't believe what I just said.
"I am!" I protest.
"Well, you shouldn't be," his gaze is cold and fierce as it locks with mine. "I could be dead already, instead I'm locked inside my own personal hell, prolonging the same fucking fate! I wish you had left me to die!"
"You don't mean that," my voice comes out strong, adamant, surprising me.
"I do," his words are steady, "I really fucking do. You're stupid if you think otherwise."
I stay silent; all I can do is watch him as every year he's been away crosses over his features, twisting them, darkening them until he becomes almost unrecognizable.
"Sakura, you know nothing about me. My existence has been a fucking lie, everything I have ever done has been for nothing! Do you have any idea what that feels like? To have everything you have ever known and believed in be wrong?! You don't because you've had a family, you've had a life, you have lived, you have thrived! Don't for one second think you know how I feel," he finishes with a snarl. I keep my eyes level with his, unflinching.
"No, I've never felt a desire to die, Sasuke, but I still know pain. While that doesn't entitle me to tell you how to feel, it doesn't mean I won't understand. If you think I'm stupid for believing that if nothing else you'd at least want to live for yourself - I've never felt so devoid of hope as I do when I'm with you," I grab my bowl and leave the room; no regret, no anger, just an entrapping, crushing despair.