Author's Note: I know that it has been an incredibly long wait for this chapter and I apologize. Any of you who have stuck with me through this is an angel. :-) I have another chapter ready for posting which I hope to post in the next week or so. Unfortunately, I have had to reaquaint myself with this world over the past few weeks and so writing chapter 15 has been slow in coming. But it will be written and the direction I wanted to go is coming back to me with alarming speed. Thanks for the inspiring reviews and emails. Honestly. I don't think it this would have been posted now if I hadn't had so many heart-warming reviews lately. Thank you!
And of course, I'd like to thank my brilliant and patient beta, Padfoots Bitch. I can't believe she's still with me!!
Enjoy! And please review!
Lacuna
Chapter Thirteen
A whisper. A kiss on the forehead. Fingers gently tangling in his hair.
"Wake up," Draco heard the whisper again and sighed in sleepy content. He turned on his side and snuggled deeper within his blanket.
"Do that s'more," Draco murmured, pushing his head into the welcoming hand. The fingers gently massaged his scalp and brushed through his gnarled hair. He sighed again and felt sleep brushing his consciousness once more. He wanted so badly to succumb.
A mouth pressed against his ear: "Don't you dare go back to sleep, Draco." A kiss on his cheek. "If you do sleep again, I'll stop touching your head."
"No!" Draco whined and turned his face up and against soft flannel. He rubbed his nose against it and after a moment of searching found an opening. Skin, he thought fuzzily and rubbed his cheek against that instead.
"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. You have been asleep for one hundred years." Draco whined again when the fingers retreated from his scalp and arms enveloped him, pulling him against a warm body. Draco fell compliant against the chest and sighed when he fell into a very comfortable position. "My God, you've never been so difficult to wake up. Draco. You have to wake up. Your mother's trial starts in less than an hour."
The information settled slowly within his mind and his eyes opened just as slowly. He titled his head up to see Harry looking down at him, and Draco felt his heart jump. Harry rubbed the small of his back and smiled. "Morning," Draco murmured.
"Good morning, Draco. Are you ready to get up now because I need to go get dressed?"
"But I like cuddling." He winced inwardly.
Harry's eyes softened. "I know. I was afraid I would never get out of here once you started purring."
"I was not purring!" Draco exclaimed, pushing himself away.
"I had to disentangle you from me somehow, didn't I?" Harry smirked and moved off the bed. "Let's get going. Hermione has breakfast for us downstairs." He walked to the door and looked back as he turned the corner. "And you were purring a little bit."
Draco threw a pillow at his back.
Harry's laughter reverberated down the hall until he shut the door to his bedroom, and then Draco could still hear it through the wall. "Prat," he muttered and flopped onto his back. Why he had agreed to stay the night in the guest bedroom, he did not know now. He closed his eyes and immediately, he imagined Harry's face looking down at him, his smile kind and eyes shining. He admitted to himself that it had never felt so good to wake up.
A loud knock on the wall made him snap his eyes open. "Get up you bloody tosser!" Harry called through the wall. "I know you're lying down again!"
Frowning, Draco rolled out of bed.
The courtroom was called to order within minutes of the doors being opened. Narcissa was already strapped to the chair when the onlookers filed in as if she had spent the night there, yet she looked as made up as ever. Draco could not look at her without rage boiling up within him and he walked as close to Harry as he could without tripping both of them up in the process. He was just thankful that Harry was in the mood to humour him for a little while.
"It doesn't show, does it?" Draco murmured in Harry's ear when they were seated.
"What?" Harry whispered back, his eyes fixed on Narcissa.
"That I'm… never mind," he broke off in a murmur and looked away.
Harry turned to look at him with a kind and knowing eye. "Besides the fact that you're practically sitting in my lap, no, it doesn't show, Draco. You can be pretty good at hiding your emotions when you want, you know. You look rested and practically sitting on my lap could mean anything."
"Well… give me a kiss to show people what it means," Draco swallowed, eyes glancing furtively around.
"Is that what it means?" Harry cocked an eyebrow.
"No! It bloody well means that I'm… well, you know…, now kiss me, you arse!"
"Only if you say please."
"I'm going to hex you," Draco narrowed his eyes.
Harry grinned. And then kissed him.
Court was called to order and Draco made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded like a mouse squeaking. Harry took his hand and squeezed reassuringly. Looking down at their hands, Draco's first thought was, He's so good to me. He then looked at Harry who was listening to Van Lith. I want him. I'm going to marry him.
Draco blinked. And blinked again, still staring at Harry. "We're already married," he whispered in sudden, mild shock. Harry turned to him and studied Draco's face for a moment.
"Yeah, we are," he answered. His thumb brushed reassuringly across the top of his hand. "Finally come around to it, have you?"
"I just… had a silly thought and it hit me," Draco whispered. "We're married, Harry. I… we're married."
"Yes. We are."
Draco shook his head to clear it. He suddenly felt horrid and dirty for only just letting the thought hit him now that they were married. "Well, I think I should tell you that I've committed adultery. Multiple times."
Harry raised a brow. "What's his name… Jude?"
Draco thought for a moment. He had almost forgotten about him and Stuart. He had left no word for them as to where he was. It had been nearly two months. He wondered briefly what, if anything, they had done once they realized he was gone. "Yeah," he replied faintly. "Jude. He's severely lacking something."
"What might that be?" Harry asked with a faint smile.
Draco scanned Harry's face, his attention inevitably drawn to the peculiar scar on his forehead. He reached up and traced it lightly. "His face is lacking the proper décor."
Harry blinked and then his face slowly turned pink. "Oh. Th… that's –"
"That's not all," Draco interrupted. "His eyes don't look at me the right way."
"How…?" Harry trailed off, his face sufficiently suffused with a red hue. He cast his eyes down.
"Look at me," Draco said softly. Swallowing, Harry looked at Draco. "Like that. He doesn't look at me like that. I just want to… if you don't feel like you have any hope, just remember that, Harry. That makes all the difference in the world, the way you look at me. It makes me remember that this is actually real."
"I'll remember," Harry murmured.
The pair smiled faintly together before turning back to the trial.
Van Lith had not started cross examining Narcissa yet. He seemed to be in the middle of restating some of the events from yesterday. "…Seemed imperative that we have Healer Walkowiak testify again on behalf of Mr. Malfoy after his outburst. Therefore, I call on Healer Walkowiak to give his testimony if he will consent."
Draco spun around in his seat upon hearing the healer clear his throat before opening his mouth to admit Veritaserum. He had completely forgotten that Walkowiak had mentioned having to testify again. "No!" Draco exclaimed, glancing at Harry. The healer looked to Draco, to Harry, and back again. He shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Malfoy," Walkowiak said.
"Harry, please," Draco turned on him. "Please don't listen to this. Please, I'm begging you."
"Why? What's this about?"
"It's something I would rather tell you for myself. Please, Harry."
"I want to know!"
Draco tugged on Harry's arm to try to get him to stand. They needed to get out of here for a few minutes. Harry pulled his arm free, glaring at Draco now. "If you haven't said something already, what should make me think that you ever will? I'm staying, Draco."
Van Lith either did not hear their argument or chose to ignore it. Either way, Draco let himself sink down in his seat and wish he were not witnessing this moment. "Healer, yesterday you informed this room that Mr. Draco Malfoy is suffering from a severe form of amnesia, which was caused by a supposedly incorrectly brewed memory altering potion. Correct?"
"Incorrectly brewed." Harry faintly parroted whilst the healer confirmed.
"However, yesterday Mr. Malfoy had a peculiar reaction to his mother. What he said implied that he remembered the staging of Harry Potter's death. Is this not a little suspicious?"
"To the untrained eye, yes, I suppose it would be," Walkowiak replied.
"I believe this court would like for you to reiterate and elaborate on what you said yesterday of Mr. Malfoy's condition."
"Certainly. The potion is called Alienare Penitus. The Aurors, as you all know, have given us substantial proof that the potion administered to Mr. Malfoy was incorrectly brewed. The potion still worked. It erased Mr. Malfoy's memory of the person, that is, Harry Potter, it was aimed for. However, since it was brewed incorrectly, it did not exactly have the full, desired effect. Because Mr. Malfoy's insistence on not forgetting his husband was so great, I don't believe the potion was able to blot out the memory of Mr. Potter completely. Mr. Potter is lying dormant somewhere beneath all of that, so it is my considered opinion that the court shouldn't dismiss amnesia as one of Mrs. Malfoy's crimes, because it certainly is apparent."
"If the memory of Mr. Potter is lying dormant, then what would elicit such a strange outburst, Healer? It still seems a little suspicious that he would be able to say that much if he actually couldn't remember."
"I covered yesterday that the potion manifested itself into a poison."
A dismayed gurgle of sound escaped Harry's throat and Draco cowered lower. Walkowiak glanced at the pair with regretful eyes, but continued. "This is a delicate thing and we are not sure we really understand what happened yet. What we do think is that in the years before we found Mr. Malfoy again, the poison was slowly working through him, and he was unknowingly fighting it. Mr. Malfoy was able to embrace the fact that there was something missing in his life. He just did not know what. After a while, I believe he became accustomed to the feeling so that when Mr. Potter came back into his life and Mr. Malfoy was informed of their relationship, it came as a shock both emotionally and physically.
"Mr. Malfoy wanted to deny the relationship and so he did. In doing so, he actively aided the poison for the first time. He finally gave it that opening it had been looking for and he got sick. In my meetings with Mr. Malfoy, he has been reporting seizure-like episodes and I have no doubt that it is the potion at work, attempting to make him forget his past forever. Other symptoms, I believe, are random bursts of recollection as we all witnessed yesterday. It seemed as though Mr. Malfoy remembered something, and as I said, he does subconsciously. However, when I spoke to him afterwards, he had no memory of saying anything of the sort. He only remembers attacking his mother. If we can't find something that will counteract the effects, he will continue experiencing large chunks of his daily activities gone. If the potion succeeds wholly, it will kill him."
Draco expected some sort of explosion to occur. Instead, Harry sat stock still. From what Draco could see, he did not even blink. After a short silence in the courtroom, Van Lith moved some papers around and Harry cleared his throat. Silence it was then. Draco mentally braced himself for some sort of outburst later. There was no way he was getting out of this one free.
"Unless somebody has any questions for you, Healer Walkowiak, you have fulfilled your duties to this courtroom. Thank you."
The healer nodded whilst glancing around the room, but nobody seemed to have anything to say. "Very well," Van Lith continued. "I believe we have heard from everybody now. We may move onto Narcissa Malfoy." A wizard advanced on her with the Veritaserum and she obligingly opened her mouth for it. She looked at Draco as she did so with a small gleam to her eyes. Not daring to break eye contact, Draco reached blindly for Harry's hand, who thankfully was fully obliging to him.
"Please state your name for the record," Van Lith commanded.
"Narcissa Malfoy."
Draco shivered at the sound of her voice ringing clearly throughout the room and clung tighter to Harry's hand. "We'll start from the beginning." Van Lith sighed and remained silent for a few moments as though collecting his thoughts. "Mrs. Malfoy, when your son married Mr. Harry Potter, how did you react to it?"
"Harry Potter killed my husband," Narcissa sneered. "How do you think I felt? I hated him. I hated my son for betraying me, for betraying Lucius."
"Did you have any plans of retribution at any time after they married?"
"Not at first. It had been a long time since I had seen Draco truly happy, and I decided to just let them live."
"Why?"
"Despite it all, I love my son. I thought I could live with Draco's decision to marry that filthy Potter."
"But you couldn't, could you?"
"No. I couldn't."
"What did you do then?"
"I contacted old acquaintances. I wanted to see Potter and my son suffer for what they had made of my life. I decided that the only way to make them suffer was to make them witness each other's death."
"How did you propose to do that, Mrs. Malfoy?"
"I had my acquaintances abduct Nymphadora Tonks about a week before we were to follow through on it. We made her ingest a potion that would make her keep the shape she had morphed into even after death. We wore her down until she had no choice but to morph into a look-alike of Harry Potter. Then we abducted Potter and kept him at Theodore Nott's house. Nymphadora was brought to my son's home as Harry. She was to act normally until my acquaintances showed up."
"Please clarify who the acquaintances were, Mrs. Malfoy."
"Theodore Nott, Jimmy Stratham, and Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter was one of the accomplices?"
"Not willingly, I assure you," Narcissa smirked at Harry. "He was under a powerful sedative, one that kept him from reacting, but not so powerful that he was not aware of what was happening. You see, it was to be a double heartache for him. Under the cloak he was wearing, he was to watch as Draco watched him die, or rather as Tonks died. Then Potter was to watch them kill Draco. It was a perfect plan to make them both suffer before they died."
"But what happened next?"
"Potter's friends showed up to my understanding and ruined it. Nott and Stratham escaped with the real Potter and locked him back up."
"Harry," Draco whispered and leaned against him. Harry wrapped a comforting arm around him. "I don't know if I ever want to remember this."
"Your original plan was ruined, and the only person to have died was somebody I recall to be your niece, Nymphadora Tonks who had done nothing to deserve your wrath. What did you decide to do from that point?"
"I had believed Potter was killed once he was brought back to Nott's home. The thought greatly relieved me, especially when Draco came to me seeking comfort. It had been a long time since he had come to see me and it… warmed me. I decided that he had suffered enough and so I took him under my wing. He was to move back into the manor with me. However, when Potter resurfaced, I decided to change my plans slightly. I kept the papers from him and suggested a trip abroad. I knew the only way he would truly accept me again was if he forgot about Potter completely. Draco has always been so enamoured by him, even before they met, and Potter's death could only ruin him."
Harry squeezed Draco to him briefly and Draco was glad because it seemed to make his shaking body calm somewhat. Narcissa paused for long moments as she seemed to collect herself. Her words sounded like an automaton as was normal for people under Veritaserum, yet to Draco she still sounded as though she had planned out every word.
"I decided on the Alienare Penitus because it could be tailored to such a specific thing or person. I acquired all of the ingredients and brewed it. I believe it was a close call because Draco had gone to his old home to pick up a few things. I had followed him and I am quite certain that Potter had been there earlier. The completion of the potion came none too soon. I administered it to Draco that same night along with the Draught of the Living Death." A slow smile curved her mouth. "He appeared to be dead just long enough to hold services and to trick my cousin, Sirius Black, Potter, and the healers to believe Draco was dead. Once the commotion was over, I smuggled Draco from Britain. He has believed since then that he is a criminal and has been on the run."
What happened next Draco could only guess. He felt like the only thing he was capable of was to sit and shake whilst Harry held him. As Narcissa finished the last of her story, Draco had come to a horrible realization. Well, it may not be so horrible, but terrifying at the very least. When Van Lith called out Narcissa's sentence (life in Azkaban with Dementor's Kiss), Draco hardly heard. He was attempting to memorize Harry's face as Harry stared triumphantly at Narcissa.
"I need to speak to my mother," Draco said faintly as he finally realised that they were leading Narcissa from the room.
"What?" Harry shook his head from an obvious daze to look at him. "Why?"
"I need to tell her something before she doesn't know anything at all."
Harry looked doubtful but stood up. "Well, let's go catch her then." Draco took his outstretched hand and they hurried after Narcissa.
"Mum!" Draco called his footsteps at a jog. Harry followed closely. "Wait, let her stop! I need to say something!" The guards escorting Narcissa stopped, but only did so reluctantly. They eyed Draco and Harry in distrust. Draco stopped when he stood face to face with his mother and took a few deep, fortifying breaths. Narcissa looked impassively up at her son.
"I'm sorry, mum. I'm sorry that Harry and I caused you so much pain, and I'm sorry you feel I betrayed you when father died. But I know that Harry was only trying to protect me, to save me. What this all comes down to is that you and father love me, but it only stretches so far. I've been an expendable resource, and… and because of that, I've never known what a real family is. That is until I met Harry again. I may not remember our life together before all of this, but he's shown me glimpses of what it was and what real family is like. Harry is the only family I have ever known. You've given it a good try to keep me from being happy, but you failed. If there is one thing I am proud of myself for, it's that I have triumphed over you and father. I just want you to know that I won't think of you ever again. You have failed and betrayed me, and I don't have time to remember you."
"Draco," Narcissa murmured, shackled hand stretching out.
"I have a feeling you won't remember me either, very soon."
With that, Draco sidestepped her and the guards and went to Harry. He situated himself right into Harry's arms and placed his face in his neck. "Don't say anything right now, but know I meant it all. I realised that you really are my only family today. I want you to have hope, Harry, because I'm beginning to have some as well."
Harry nestled his nose into Draco's hair and was silent for a few minutes. However, Draco knew it was inevitable that he pull away with some sort of guarded look on his face. "Draco."
"No, Harry. Please don't bring that up. Just don't."
"Why did you keep it from me?"
"Please, Harry. I just don't want to talk about it right now."
"Draco!" Harry exploded. "You're bloody well dying and you didn't fucking tell me! How can you tell me to have hope when that's what I find out today?"
"I'm NOT dying!" Draco yelled. "Severus is working on an antidote and you know he's brilliant. He'll find one."
"That healer said you're dying, Draco. I'm inclined to take the word of a healer before yours. That's what all this secrecy has been about, the seizure at my house…. What about that bloke at the Leaky Cauldron? Why did he know about what I had said to you that night I thought you were sleeping?"
Sighing, Draco went to lean against the wall. "That was Cade Bertram. He's Healer Walkowiak's assistant, Harry, and we went out for a few drinks after a short, unscheduled session. That was the first time I had any sort of episode like that at your house and I was worried, so I went to see them. I had to tell them what you were saying so they could guess at why I had reacted so harshly."
"Why exactly do you see this healer?"
"He's trying to help me to open my mind to my memories. I see him three times a week for the sessions and they're… well, they're painful, but they're necessary. He's a brilliant wizard, Harry, and Severus thinks he will really help me."
"Okay," Harry muttered and began pacing in front of Draco. "Okay, let's just… let's go to my place and… and we'll talk a bit more, all right?" With Draco's nod, Harry grabbed his arm and led him to the atrium of the Ministry and from there, they travelled by Floo to Harry's. Draco settled on the couch in the living room and shortly thereafter, Harry disappeared for quite a few minutes. After a while, he came back with two glasses of water. He sat them down in front of Draco and resumed his pacing. Draco stared helplessly as Harry paced, hands clenched so tightly in his hair that his knuckles had turned white. Suddenly, Harry stopped and turned to stare at Draco, his face fearsome. "All right?" Draco ventured uncertainly.
"Fine," Harry answered quietly but sternly as he quickly approached Draco. Draco gasped as Harry pulled him from the couch and gripped him tightly to his body. "I'm fine and I'm going to be great, because… because I'm not going to fucking lose you again." Draco blinked at the ferocity in the other man's voice. "I can live with it if you don't want to be with me. I'll make it work, because I'll have to and I just want you to be happy. But I… Draco…" Harry's eyes raced over Draco's face. Draco felt as though he could not breathe, their faces were so close and with Harry's words as sharp as they were. "Draco, I will not make a life out of staring at your pictures and wishing I could hear your voice one more time. I refuse to do that again. I refuse to have conversations about our daughter with your gravestone."
Draco steadfastly ignored his trembling knees. "I already told you, I'm not going to die from this. I refuse to. I'm doing everything I can."
"I know," Harry murmured, his eyes roving more slowly over Draco's face now. "I need to do something though."
"You don't need –"
His protestation was cut off by Harry gently running his lips across Draco's cheek. Harry nibbled softly at the spot just below Draco's earlobe, and soothed it briefly with his tongue. Draco exhaled and clung to Harry's sides. "I just want to touch you right now. Sometimes, I… I still don't know if you're real or if I've finally gone mad."
Draco pressed his cheek against Harry's, content for the moment to listen to him breathe and to feel his day old scruff on his face. It reminded him briefly that Harry still looked worse for wear and that it was because of his words, his actions. Draco clung tighter yet. "I'm here," he murmured.
"Draco, I can't… I need to do something to help. I just can't get used to you being around only to have you taken away again. I need to do something."
Pulling back, Draco lightly rubbed at Harry's facial hair. "I don't know that there is anything you can do. Severus is working hard, and so are my healers. So am I."
"There must be something, Draco!"
"If you need to do something, just trust me. Trust that I'm doing everything I can."
"Draco," Harry said plaintively.
"You need to shave, Harry."
"That's not going to help!" he burst out.
"It'll make you feel better."
"Fucking hell, Draco!" Harry pushed away in a burst of motion. "That's the last bloody thing in the world I'm thinking about that will make me –"
For lack of anything better to help, Draco seized Harry, holding his arms to his sides as they had begun to flail and held him as closely as possible. Draco had expected Harry to keep ranting, to keep doing something. However, Harry acquiesced to the touch and all but melted against Draco… and then he started shaking as if he had been standing in a block of ice.
"Draco," Harry whispered.
"I'm scared too. There's nothing wrong with being scared. But I will be fine. We will be fine. All right?"
"Yes."
"Now I want you to go shave, and I'll get Ayida." Nodding, Harry started for the stairs. "Oh, and Harry? If you can't sleep again tonight, take a bloody potion to help. You look like hell and one of us needs to be in tip-top shape, right?"
"How did you know I haven't been sleeping?"
"I can tell, Harry. Now quit trying to play a bloody hero and go shave."
Draco waited until he heard water running before he went to the fireplace. As he threw the powder in, he heard Harry change his mind and turn on the shower. Smiling, Draco arrived at the Burrow. The smile was immediately wiped off his face, however, when he saw who was in the next room playing with his daughter. He had not spared one thought towards the other man in quite a while, but as he now looked at him, Draco realised what a fool he had been taken for.
"Matthew."
Of course, Draco considered, Matthew had probably been working for the Ministry, and it was for the better, but…. He had known all along who Draco was and what he had been missing. The blond could not help but feel a little bitter at the thought.
Matthew looked up from their game of marbles, and a look of apprehension immediately crossed his face. "Draco," he said by way of greeting.
Draco nodded at him and greeted Ayida who was now wrapped around his legs. "Where's grandma?" he asked her.
"Outside with grandpa. I think they're fightin' over the shed with the Muggle stuff again."
"Why don't you put on your cloak and hat and go break it up? But we'll be going home soon, so don't stay out too long."
"Okay!" Ayida bounced from the room, clearly pleased that she would get to break up grandma and grandpa's fight.
"I was at the trial today," Matthew stated as Ayida disappeared.
"Ah. So you understand the dire straights I'm in now."
"Yes, I suppose. It didn't look like you had told Harry."
"I hadn't," Draco replied matter of fact and sat down. "Things have been complicated. I haven't really had the chance to, and it wasn't really the way I had envisioned telling him all that."
"I don't imagine so. Well… how has Harry been anyway?"
"You haven't been to see him?"
"No. Well, I imagined that you two would be together at every waking moment and thought a clean break would be best for me anyway. It's been surprisingly easy to not think of Harry, but to not think of Ayida is a completely different story. She wasn't even a year old when I met her, you know."
"Yes, I know. However, one would think that if you think of Ayida, you would automatically think of Harry." Draco stared pointedly.
"True enough. I never thought it would be easy getting over him, Draco. I can't delude myself any longer. He's in love with you and always has been."
Draco nodded and looked out the window where he could see Ayida chasing Arthur through the garden. "I've wondered, Matthew. How long were you broken up when Harry came to San Juan?"
"Cut right to the heart, right, Draco?" Matthew laughed sardonically. "Technically, I suppose, Harry thought we were still together when he came. He was pretty hacked off at me because he found out I wasn't out of town on Quidditch business. Then he saw you and it didn't quite matter anymore, as I knew would happen. You know when you came into the hotel room, I had only told him about you as you were waiting outside. He handled it pretty well considering."
"Well, he would like people to think he's made of tough stuff," Draco smiled faintly. "He's pretty lost without somebody to help him though."
"Just you, I think, Draco. He's lost without you."
Draco's smile faded and he looked to the floor. "I've begun to gather as much actually." Sighing, he attempted a smile again. "He's laid out some pretty large shoes to fill."
"Well, they're your shoes, remember. I think it won't be too hard to do."
Finally, Draco looked straight at Matthew again and gave a genuine smile. "You're good, Matthew. I'm sorry you got caught into this."
"It's my fault. And I wasn't good in this. I think I knew deep down that I could take advantage of Harry when I met him and decided that he was someone I'd like to be with. He was… well, he was very fragile, I think, and willing to go to anybody who showed him some kind of genuine interest."
"I suppose I haven't had much time to think on it, what with everything else, but I think that you probably kept him from a bad place, no matter your subconscious intentions…." He grinned. "No, really, I think you were good for him while I was away."
Matthew nodded slightly. "Thank you. You never answered my question though. How is he doing?"
"He's…" Draco thought of Harry with his unshaven face, bloodshot eyes with bags beneath, the pacing, the fear and frustration…. "He's been better, I think. But it's to be expected when he's suddenly dealt with the news that I could die if somebody doesn't find something soon, you know? He's already been to my funeral once." Draco sighed. "He's ready for a break-down, and I suppose I'll let him have it if he needs it, but I won't let him carry on for too long, if you know what I mean."
"Yeah –" Matthew broke off when they heard Ayida, Molly, and Arthur come back in the house. "But I trust you'll take good care of him."
"I can try. You know, you're welcome to come see Ayida any time you want. You both have spent so much time together that I can imagine how much she will miss you."
"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you. I had better go home. If you think it'll be alright, tell Harry I said hello."
"No problem."
"It was nice seeing you."
"Likewise."
Draco sat quietly as he heard the exchanges in the other room, collecting himself to take Ayida back to Harry. He knew instinctively that Harry will have pulled himself together already, but it was difficult to forget the shaken man he had held in his arms not quite a half hour ago. Taking a deep breath, Draco stood and went to the kitchen.
"Come on, Ayida," he called. "Daddy is waiting to see you at home."
Ayida was in bed. Harry was sprawled on the couch and Draco reclined in the chair. The television was airing a show Harry seemed to enjoy; Draco disliked watching the telly, so he hid behind a book. The show became silent for a moment, so Draco lowered his book slightly to look at Harry. He had been doing so periodically since they had found themselves in this circumstance. Harry had seemed to almost catch him looking every time, but Draco contented himself that he was too quick to be caught. Harry was currently staring dispassionately at the programme until someone delivered the punch line and he started chuckling.
Draco took a breath and hid his own smile behind his book, but kept his eyes riveted on Harry. The other shifted on the couch and briefly scratched himself before grabbing up the remote control and flipping off the television. Draco hurriedly put the book in front of his face.
"You bored?" Harry asked.
With a raised brow, Draco lowered the book again as if he had been interrupted from his rather interesting read. Harry was smirking at him. Draco realized he was caught.
"Uh." Draco's face turned pink. "Not really."
"With the book, I mean?"
Draco cleared his throat. "It's sufficient."
"As sufficient as…" Harry squinted at the title. "Parenting in the Modern Wizarding World could be, I presume. Where in the world did you pick up that rubbish?"
"It's called a bookshop. They sell books."
Rolling his eyes, Harry came to sit on the arm of his chair. "Thank you. But why that book, I mean? You do a fantastic job as it is without the help of some professional."
"I don't want to fuck her up."
"Draco. We can't be perfect. We're doing the best we can and I happen to think that you and I are doing a spectacular job."
"I haven't had enough time to fuck something up."
"Stop that," Harry said sharply. "She might hear you."
"See what I mean?" Draco retorted.
"So you had a slip of the tongue!" Harry pushed his fingers into Draco's hair and turned his face up to meet his. "You need a different, more interesting book to read. I'll get you one. Let's go tomorrow."
"I have to meet my healer tomorrow."
"Then we'll go after." He began gently massaging Draco's scalp. Draco nearly swooned. He loved having his head rubbed.
"That's what I've been meaning to tell you all day, Harry."
"What, that we're going to a bookshop after your appointment? Talk about foresight."
Harry grinned. For a moment, Draco became sidetracked and he kissed the grin on Harry's face. After a few very long moments, Draco pulled away, licking his lips. "I'm sorry. I, uh… Sometimes, I look at you and…" He indicated Harry, "and then I get all…." He waved his hand in front of his chest and let out a puff of air. Harry's smile was slow in coming and then he slid in the seat beside Draco so that they were squashed nearly uncomfortably into the chair. Only it wasn't so uncomfortable.
"You know, that's how I feel when I look at you."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It feels like I'm suffocating sometimes. I like it though."
When Draco remained silent, his face an endearing sort of red, Harry smiled at him again and gave his temple a lingering kiss. "What did you want to tell me?"
"Well, it's just that I don't really need for you to buy me a book at the moment. How long have I been back here? Two months?"
"Nearly," Harry murmured, continuing his delightful treatment to Draco's head.
"Yes, well, I need to go back."
The hand stopped as Draco had thought that it might. "Go back?" Harry's voice was tightly controlled, wrung taut with tension just as his body tensed. "Go back where, exactly?"
"Please don't, Harry. I didn't say I was staying there. I just need to go back to San Juan and tie up loose ends. I have friends there you know, and they don't know who I really am. Looking up Kalen Mortimer is not going to give them any leads here in England."
"If they don't know who you are, they're not friends."
Sighing, Draco extracted himself from Harry and moved to the couch. "That's not exactly their fault, Harry. Nobody can blame them for not knowing my real name. It's not as though I put on a façade for them. I always acted like myself as well as I knew how to be."
"What about…" Harry waved his hand around. "What's his name… Jude?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Draco muttered. "Please, just stop, Harry. We're losing track of what needs to be done. The bottom line is, is that I need to go to San Juan pack my things, tie up loose ends with Stuart and the club, and yes, bloody hell, with Jude as well. It wouldn't be fair to him to leave him hanging no matter his disposition, and his role in my life and I'm sure the many times he slept around with other people. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm closing that part of my life and coming back here to try to pick up what I lost."
By the end, he was standing over Harry, his face now red for something other than embarrassment. Draco meaningfully stared at him, until Harry looked him in the eye, and then raised a brow. "Got it?"
"Yeah," Harry whispered, suitably ashamed. "I'm sorry. It's just that every time I think of him, I want to destroy something."
Draco's chest should not have felt all warm inside with the admission. But it did. His stomach did a flip and he had to sit beside Harry again.
"We… we both had lovers," Draco replied quietly. "In fact, I had a very civil conversation with Matthew today without once thinking about how much I would like to destroy something."
"That's easy. You know where you stand with me."
Nothing was more tiring than turning in circles, Draco was sure. That was precisely what they were doing. Of course, how could they not when Draco was truly confused and Harry just wanted a concrete answer? Throughout the day, it was increasingly clear that he wanted to be with Harry. It was entirely possible that there were residual feelings coming back. What with all the therapy he had been through, he did not think it possible that something had not come back to him yet. Then again, it could just be that he was falling for Harry all over again without the help of his memories. How was he to tell the difference? Maybe it did not matter?
Suddenly feeling too overwhelmed, Draco stood and staggered back from Harry. "I have to go."
"What? Why now?"
Draco felt something in him snap, stress, frustration, and anger… perhaps some of each. "Because… because I…." Draco shook his head and started for the door.
"Draco!" Harry went after him. "What's the matter?"
"I just… I try giving you hope and I want it to be enough for you, Harry, but it never is. You just wait a little while and then pile on more guilt and this urgent rush for me to come to a decision, and I just can't! I don't know how to acquiesce to something I know nothing about."
"Draco, I don't understand…." Harry ran a hand through his hair in confusion, wrinkling his brow at the blond. "I don't understand where this is suddenly coming from. You were fine five minutes…." Draco turned and saw something snap behind Harry's eyes. At least they could do this together, he thought dismally. "Hell, why are you so resistant to us? If you feel something for me, what's the big deal? Say it! You act as if the world is going to crash down on you if you admit that you might like me a little bit. It's not! I'm sorry if I come on strong sometimes, but I can't help it. I. Love. You. But I'm not apologising for that, Draco. I'm not sorry for being in love with you."
"I'm not asking you to be!" Draco exclaimed angrily. This was irrational, Draco thought even as he kept speaking. He kept going and he didn't know if he really believed what he was saying or if it was something that he been bottled up for much too long. "What I'm asking is for you to be patient. If I admit to anything you expect a husband. I'm not mentally prepared for that. Please, Harry just let me go. I need to leave."
Face stony, Harry turned. "Fine. Leave."
"How many times do we have to go through this, Harry?" Draco yelled, patience worn thin at himself? At Harry? He was not sure anymore. Merlin, he just wanted some peace in his mind.
"I said go. It's late anyway."
It felt as though he was seeing red. What a short-sighted piece of…. "I hope you know that you are a complete arse. All I need is for you to be supportive, even if you're not feeling it. I'm just trying to get better and you're not bloody helping right now. And you know what, Harry? If I am to die from this, no matter what anybody does to help, I hope you feel just a little bit guilty about it. The way I see it, you're not cutting me any slack here."
"Cutting you slack?" Harry spun around in a whirlwind of anger. "Have you ever thought about what it's like for me? I know this is difficult for you. You talk about me cutting you some slack, but what about me? When do I get some? I've been dealing with this for over four years, Draco. I just want…."
"You just want me. You want peace. I know. But you know what? I have been dealing with this for two months and with no memory of you to speak of. Talk about a little too much information? Fuck you, Potter. If you want me, you have to fucking wait, because I don't want you right now if you can't stop to think that I have a lot of things I don't know how to deal with right now."
Harry paused for a few moments, his face falling slightly. "But you do want me. I can see it." He pointed towards the living room. "You more or less confessed how much you want me back there!"
"Not if you can't stop thinking about only yourself. If that's the first thing you think of to reply to, then that just goes to show what you're more concerned about. I think you need to put things in perspective. The bottom line is do you want me healthy or dead? If you want me healthy then you need to reconsider what you keep doing to me. Look, I'm not doing this anymore tonight. We could go in circles for the rest of our lives."
"Draco –"
"Good night, Potter."
Once outside the house, Draco stopped and took a breath. What was he doing? Why had he done that? Those things he had said…. He supposed they were true to a point, but, for Merlin's sake, they could have dealt with that in a much more peaceful way.
Temporary insanity. That was it. Draco was now sure he was going insane.
Letting out a deep breath, he walked down the path. He would give them both some time. He would go to San Juan and then afterwards… well, he would see what he could salvage. There had to be something after all. And the very fact that he wanted to salvage something with Harry… well, that gave Draco reason to hope everything would be okay.
Blinding pain. That was the first thing of which he was aware. Then there was the sensation of a cold floor beneath his back. A voice guided him back to consciousness. Light streamed through his closed eyes.
"Draco, open your eyes."
Swallowing repeatedly to rid his mouth of the cottony feeling, Draco peeled his eyes open to look up at Healer Walkowiak and his assistant, Cade Bertram looking down at him in wonder. "What the bloody hell happened?" Draco croaked.
"We put you in a trance," Walkowiak replied distantly as he rapidly waved his wand over Draco's body.
"I remember that!" Draco snapped and slowly sat up holding his pounding head. "I meant what happened after you put me in it?"
"Same as always," Cade replied with a brow furrowed. "Absolutely nothing… That is, until you passed out cold. Only, well, passing out is quite new."
"Is this bad?" Draco asked and summoned his glass of water. As he drank deeply from it the other two other men shared looks.
"It could mean any number of things. Unfortunately, this is new territory for us as well. I've detected no signs that your body has deteriorated significantly since my last examination of you, but neither has it made any progress. For the time being, we will have to closely monitor you until we figure out what this episode might mean. In the meantime, Professor Snape says he has discovered what he thinks might be a step in the right direction, concerning his potion. I would like for you to try it the next time we meet."
"Not a problem," Draco sighed, setting his now empty glass down. "However, I do need to go back to San Juan for a while to tie up some old business there. That won't be a problem, I hope?"
"Not as long as you remember that you are to be here in three days."
"I'll be here."
"Do you feel okay at the moment? Are you experiencing dizziness, nausea? Anything?"
"Pounding headache," Draco murmured, standing. Cade reached out to steady him as he wobbled. "Maybe a little dizzy, but okay otherwise."
"Nothing out of the ordinary then after one of our sessions?"
Draco nodded silently and went to put his cloak on. "I'll be in contact if anything feels off."
It was a few hours later as Draco waited patiently for his portkey at the Wizarding Transportation Centre that he started to feel a little off. He was leaning against a large window, watching snow swirl around outside when a wave of dizziness washed over him as it had in the healer's office. Only this time, it was as if the floor was shaking beneath him and he could not keep his feet. The blond stumbled to the nearest chair and collapsed. With his head between his knees, he kept his breath slow, deep, and even. It only seemed to make it worse, so he closed his eyes.
Wisps of Harry's face swirled past his mind's eye and he groaned audibly. A little old witch sitting near him eyed him warily already quite upset by his display of seeming drunkenness. "Stop thinking about him," Draco whispered to himself. "Just for right now, please, Draco. Please." It was, of course, useless to tell himself this, as he had thought of little else since leaving Harry's house the previous night. But, stranger things had happened and he continued to hope that he would be able to get Harry off his mind.
A wash of dizziness twice as bad as the previous dose came over him and he quickly lurched from the chair and stumbled over to where he knew the bathroom was situated. Just as he bent over a toilet, he vomited violently. It felt as though he was bringing up the contents of his stomach from the past five days; he continued dry heaving for some minutes before he was able to slump back against the wall and take a deep breath.
"Fucking hell," he whispered and wiped the sweat from his forehead. Leaning his head against the wall, he closed his eyes and tried to force himself to feel better. It was hard to believe, but this had only lessened the nausea and dizziness a little. Those wisps of Harry's face brushed past him again but before he could even groan this time, the face started to take a more definite shape and form a body.
It really was, in fact, Harry. But Draco had not had a doubt. The difference in this Harry within his mind, however, was the age. This Harry was decidedly younger. This Harry looked to be eleven or twelve years old and flying a Hogwarts broom. Draco was flying as well, he was sure. He could feel he was smirking at the other boy.
"Give it here, Malfoy, or I'll knock you off your broom!"
"Have it your way, then!" Draco retorted and threw a ball into the air.
Harry took off after it at once and Draco returned to the ground. The other students were looking up at Harry in awe and when Draco looked up, he saw why. He had managed to keep chase of the ball and at last… he caught it
"Look at him!" Crabbe whispered. "I heard he's never ridden a broom."
Draco glared at Crabbe. "Of course he's ridden a broom, you imbecile. Nobody has that much dumb luck
Of course, Draco knew better. Potter had shown impeccable flying. However, as Potter returned to the ground, Draco felt himself scowling at the other boy. What a bloody show-off. He hated that Harry Potter and Draco would make sure Potter knew it.
Presently, Draco blinked his eyes open, bewildered for a moment before it hit him. He gave a cry of astonishment before he clutched at the toilet again and continued dry heaving.
Sometime, much later, Draco exited the bathroom, pale and exhausted. He had replayed what he was sure was a lost memory in his mind over and over again cherishing and analysing every single detail. It was a tremendous relief to be able to remember this treasured nugget. Draco supposed that some small part of him still did not believe that Harry had ever been in his life. But now… now he could remember something. It was not pleasant in a way, but it was something.
Draco sat in the same chair as before. The old lady had gone and thankfully, there was only an old wizard dozing in a chair a few rows away. Draco smiled to himself. No, the memory had its own sort of pleasantness to it now. It was able to show him what sort of role Harry played in his life as an adolescent and honestly, how utterly attracted Draco had been to him. Animosity or not, it was attraction all along.
It was funny to think. Draco had wanted Harry even then.
Finally, checking his watch, Draco decided it was time to leave this particular waiting room and went to retrieve his portkey. He had a lot of work to do before he returned to London, after all. The sooner he did it, the sooner he could come home and hopefully make it well with Harry once more. It was just a glitch. They would make it through this. They had to because of Ayida. They had to because Draco was sure Harry's emotional well-being depended upon it. They had to because… because Draco cared about Harry.
With a jolting shock, Draco realised that he wanted nothing more than to work out everything with Harry. It was as though he had been somehow disconnected from what he had been feeling. Yes, he knew there were feelings. Yes, he knew Harry wanted his husband back. Yes, there was a child whom he loved very much. Yes, Harry was… Harry. Draco blinked. The bottom line was, Harry, in Draco's very humble opinion, was nothing short of… of amazing. Everything Draco now stood for and wanted in his life. He thought of Harry at home with Ayida, probably angry at Draco and hurting. Something within Draco gave a violent twist at the thought that he had hurt Harry, but then again, he was not sure what hurt more, Harry assuming what Draco was and was not ready for, or that Draco hurt Harry again.
As the blond stood before the witch handing him his portkey, another horrible realisation flooded over him. He felt so stupid. Of course. There could be nothing else for it. At that moment, he knew he had to stop fighting it. Taking the portkey in hand, Draco breathlessly looked up unwittingly into the witch's eyes. "I love him," he murmured just as the portkey activated and he was whisked from England.
And just like that he had labelled it. Draco found there had never been anything that had come as easy to him as admitting that he loved Harry Potter.
Just as expected, everybody welcomed Draco back with relieved and buoyant greetings. Stuart was speechless with relief. For the last month, he had had magical law enforcement attempting to track down Draco, obviously to no avail. Narcissa had made sure he changed his name each time he made a move, so there was no record of Kalen Mortimer before San Juan.
Instead of taking his time packing his flat, Draco found himself throwing things together haphazardly and making short trips to the few people he considered friends. The visit with Stuart had not gone over as well as he had hoped. The club had not ailed in any way since Draco's sudden departure, as Stuart did, in fact, know how to handle the books (though it was news to Draco), but Stuart was very, very unhappy that Draco was going back to England without any sort of notice. Most of the conversation with Stuart had been business. The other man still did not know Draco's real name. He would save that conversation for when Jude came back into town.
This was why Draco suddenly found that he had been in San Juan for nearly a week. He had briefly returned for his appointment, but not wishing to be waylaid if he admitted to the nausea (which had reoccurred since the first), he tactfully left that out with the promise to himself that he would tell Severus as soon as he returned to England.
By the end of the week, Draco was getting restless. His flat was nearly packed with only a few more shelves of books and his bed needing to be put away. There had been no word from Harry, and if that was a cause for alarm, Draco was not sure. He felt a certain amount of anxiety with the thought that Harry was so angry that he would retract all feelings for Draco.
Then again, insecurity came with the territory of finding oneself in love, Draco supposed. And that… that was a weird thought. The thought of being in love with Harry made him feel queasy at best, and found him throwing up his meals at worst. In fact, he was sure that only one meal had made it all the way through his system since the revelation at the Wizarding Transportation Centre.
As far as memory was concerned, there had only been wisps of singular images. In one of those fragmented memories, Draco was sure he was looking through a window at Hagrid's hut on Hogwarts grounds. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had been in the hut, and along with Harry's look of alarm at him through the window, Draco could not really discern anything else of the memory.
It was the day before Jude had planned to show his face in San Juan again, and Draco occupied himself with carefully stowing the last of his many books in a box. He chose to do so wandlessly as he had nothing else he would like to do. Ideally, he would admit to Stuart and Jude his true identity today and leave. He wanted to see Harry and their daughter again….
The clicking of the elevator to his flat brought Draco's attention away from his books and he pulled his wand from his pocket. He could not recall anybody knowing the password to his flat. The door finally opened and Draco stood to see over the chair that had blocked his view. Jude stepped out with a half-smirk on his face and Draco lowered his wand.
"Jude," he greeted politely, suddenly very aware of how much he had been never truly attracted to him.
"Kalen," Jude nodded, and inwardly, Draco cringed at the name. "I didn't know if I should believe Stuart you were back. I thought for sure you were dead somewhere only you knew where." He said this very unconcernedly.
"Nice of you to care," Draco scoffed and headed for the kitchen. "Would you like something to drink?"
"No. Thank you. Where have you been?" Jude followed him.
"I was going to tell you and Stuart everything tomorrow when I thought you were coming back to town."
"Yes, well, call me immensely curious, but when my boyfriend disappears for two months, I can't quite seem to contain myself when he reappears."
Draco turned from the counter, forgetting his pumpkin juice and leaned against the edge. Jude took the opportunity to rake his eyes up and down his body. "You've lost weight and I think you haven't been working out."
"Stress can contribute to weight loss. You wouldn't believe how much I've had on my mind," Draco sniffed. "Working out has become the least of my worries."
"It's too bad. You were rather built." He leered at Draco.
"I haven't lost that much muscle mass," Draco retorted, suddenly feeling quite defensive of his body. "By the way, please don't call me your boyfriend."
Jude raised a brow and approached him. "Oh, really? I'm sure I could change your mind fairly quickly."
"You think so?"
"I know so." Jude placed his hands on Draco's hips and pulled him near.
"You know nothing."
"I know quite a bit about you. I know you can come without being touched as long as my tongue is inside you."
"Get away from me," Draco breathed through his nose. "Knowing what I like in sex doesn't constitute knowing me."
"Ah, I see," Jude grinned, but still pulled Draco flush against his body. "You've found somebody new, haven't you?"
Draco took a deep breath. "I wouldn't call him new, but yes, I found somebody else."
Rapidly studying Draco's face, Jude continued to smile. "It's that one guy who was here before… Harry Potter? Isn't it?"
"So what if it is?"
"Do you love him, Kalen?"
"I don't think that's any of your business," Draco replied tightly.
"Sore spot, I see."
Draco turned away from him and grasped his glass of juice. Jude did not seem happy with his action, however, and spun him around. "You're not quite sure how you feel about him, are you? But he is sure? I bet he doesn't fuck you like I do though. I bet you think of me all the time." Jude lightly rubbed Draco's crotch. He recoiled, but Jude held him tight.
"Get the fuck off me," Draco growled.
Instead of letting go, Jude leaned in and kissed him harshly. He snapped Draco's wrists to the edge of the counter, in the process, smashing the glass of juice, and locked his legs securely around Draco's so that he could not move. Draco struggled, but Jude had always been stronger and taller.
Before the situation could progress further, Jude suddenly flew away from Draco, and for a moment, he believed he had performed wandless magic. However, after blinking the astonishment away, Draco saw that Jude was pinned to the opposite wall by Harry. The blonde's stomach did a weird sort of flip and continued doing so until Harry drew his fist back and punched Jude squarely in the nose. Blood immediately gushed out and Draco let out a short exclamation. He stood immobile for a few moments, unable to stop Harry from hitting Jude. Jude struggled to fight back, but it seemed as though Harry had used magic to keep him secure.
"…. Don't deserve to breathe the same air, you… you arrogant berk!"
Draco snapped out of his shock with these words and instantly had to hold back a snort. He hurried forward and pulled Harry off Jude. "Harry, please," Draco said quietly.
"No!" Harry yelled. His anger was so great, he was shaking horribly and his face was flushed deep red. "He doesn't know a bloody thing about you. How can he even presume to do that?"
"Fuck," Jude moaned and stumbled from the wall holding his head. "I was just trying to get his goat."
"Well, you fucking got it," Harry snarled. "Get the hell out of here!"
"Harry," Draco shook his head. "You don't have to do this."
"I'm not letting somebody like him touch you," Harry said fiercely. "Especially not like that."
Draco blanched at the hidden meaning behind those words and backed away from Harry. He supposed it would take a little time to grow accustomed to how much Harry knew about him still. Sliding with his back against the wall, Jude pushed himself up with a smirk. "No, I already know your precious husband, Draco is off limits."
Draco blinked at Jude for a few seconds before he could react. "What?" Draco practically yelled.
With a shit-eating grin, Jude wiped at his bleeding nose. "I travel to England quite a bit for business… Draco. I read newspapers."
"How long have you known?"
"I really would rather not say," he shrugged nonchalantly, but Draco set his jaw firmly. There was something Jude was not telling him. Draco advanced menacingly.
"When. Did. You. Find. Out."
Jude made a great show of studying Draco as if he was contemplating not telling him. Draco knew the truth was coming. Jude was too much of an arse to not be enjoying every second. "About a month after I met you."
Without thinking, without realising he was even moving, Draco punched Jude squarely in his already broken nose. Jude let out some creative expletives and clutched his dripping nose. "I don't even want to hear the rest of it," Draco said lowly. "As far as I'm concerned, you're just as horrible as my mother, and you can get the fuck out of my life. Now."
Both Harry and Draco were silent as Jude left the flat. It seemed they were both contemplating what Jude's early knowledge could have done for them, if only Jude had never been such an insufferable prick. Finally, Harry took a deep breath and gently touched Draco's elbow. "All right?"
"As ever," Draco murmured, his heart suddenly hammering loudly against his chest now that he could properly process the fact that Harry had come to see him. And was now touching him. "You?" he managed after a few moments. He felt as foolish as a schoolboy.
"Sure. I'm sorry about the dramatic entrance, but when I saw him pinning you like that I just… flipped out."
"How much did you hear?"
"Enough. I, uh… actually followed him in under my invisibility cloak. I hadn't planned on it, mind. When I saw him and realised who it was, I put it on and followed."
A small smile flittered across Draco's face for a moment and he shook his head. He was still acutely aware of Harry's hand resting on his arm. "You should have been a detective."
"How do you know I'm not?"
For a few moments, Harry's face was serious but then he smiled and his hand trailed down to Draco's hand, squeezed it briefly and then stepped away. Draco admitted to himself that he felt the loss just as acutely as he felt the touch. "I'm sorry. I didn't come to interrupt your business. It was just that we left each other on such a bad note and I couldn't stand it for another day. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"
"Yes, of course. We'll have to make ourselves comfortable on boxes, I'm afraid."
"That's okay," Harry smiled again and went to sit down on one. Draco shortly followed with a glass of pumpkin juice for each of them. "I've thought a lot about what you said," Harry continued once he had taken a small drink. "You're right. I know I need to be patient. I don't know how you feel about me. I do think it's clear you have some sort of feelings for me, but I'm not asking you to clarify. Maybe I can see how it might be really difficult to process having a husband and child, and I just want you to know that whatever you need, I'll be more than happy to acquiesce. Draco, I'm not here to make you feel uncomfortable. I'll make whatever you decide in the end work. I never meant to make you feel overwhelmed, and I'm sorry."
A bit bewildered, Draco blinked at Harry. "You thought about what I said then?"
"How could I not?" Harry shook his head. "I've been accepting and then pushy, and it's not fair."
"But…" Draco continued to blink and looked away. "What about what's fair to you? I don't think we're being fair to each other. I've thought about it a lot as well, you know. I haven't been the most accepting about what you may be going through right now."
Harry nodded briefly. "Yes, well, I'm not the one who can't remember you. You need time and we both know it."
"Well, I agree, of course, but, Harry –"
"Please don't make this any more complicated than it needs to be, Draco," Harry sighed as he stood. Stopping for a few moments, Harry's chest seemed to deflate and he smiled faintly, a hand reaching out to brush against Draco's fingers. "We both need for you to get better. More importantly, that's what Ayida needs."
Draco was not listening any longer. Sparks seemed to fly through his fingers and up his arm. The blond blinked, or at least he thought he did, because when he opened them again, Harry was staring at him strangely, but inside Draco's head, his mind was spinning and a younger, much more vulnerable looking Harry Potter was sitting on a desk eating chicken. Draco sat with him and he was feeling a certain thrill at having been able to do this, to have an excuse to help out Harry Potter.
"Are you okay?" Harry inquired, reaching out as if to brush hair away from Draco's forehead. With a slight grimace, he pulled it back. "You're sweating."
Draco's stomach was roiling now and he gulped a breath in hope the nausea would pass. "I'm fine," he whispered, but he could feel his body get clammy. "I just… I need to use the loo."
Without waiting for a response, Draco turned on his heel and ran for the bathroom. He fell to his knees and hung over the toilet dry heaving for a few moments before the inevitable. Faintly, Draco felt his hair getting pulled back. He did not think it possible for such a simple touch to make him ache so horribly, but it felt so nice to be taken care of. When he was finished, Harry flushed the toilet, aimed a cleansing spell at Draco's mouth and magically tied his hair back. Draco fell to his bum in complete exhaustion. Harry sat there with him in silence for a few minutes, his hand merely resting on Draco's knee.
"Is it the flu? Bad food? Or the potion?"
There was just a moment where Draco considered lying to protect Harry, but then he looked up and caught green eyes staring at him intently. He just could not lie to Harry about this. He loved Harry. His willingness to live with him as husband was still questionable at this point in time, but he loved Harry.
"It's the potion," Draco said through a dry mouth. "It's been making me sick since I left."
"Then you need to come back?"
"That's not exactly it. I seem only to get sick when I… when I remember something. About you." Harry's breath seemed to leave him in a whoosh, but Draco continued before he could forget. "I think my body is trying to purge the poison by itself. But it won't, not without Severus' help and the healer's."
"You're remembering," Harry's voice was a croak. He cleared it.
"Very little, but yes."
"What is it? That you're remembering I mean."
"You, of course. I remember that I hated you." Draco smiled and placed his hand over Harry's. "I remember when you were taken by McGonagall after a flying lesson. I hated you so much." Harry was nodding, his eyes unnaturally bright.
"What did you just remember?"
"We were sitting on a desk together. You were eating chicken and you seemed quite vulnerable. It seemed rather friendly and I… well, I was glad I could be there, though I think I may or may not have been acting very put upon by somebody."
"Yes," Harry murmured. "I think that must have been our very first friendly encounter in sixth year."
"I haven't really remembered much of consequence yet," Draco continued. "But I'm determined to."
Nodding, Harry replied, "Are you feeling better?"
"I think my spell is over, yes."
"Truth, Draco? I need to get back to Ayida and I don't want to go if you're lying."
"No, really, Harry, I'll be fine. Just help me to my feet…. I can be a little shaky for a while afterwards."
Harry readily complied and when they were both standing, they stood holding hands. Draco smiled first. "Thank you for holding my hair." Harry shrugged in embarrassment. It was too much to resist, Draco moved forward, wrapping his arms around Harry's waist and pressing his cheek beneath his ear. "I promise that you can go," he murmured. "And I'll be home soon enough."
It was easy to tell that Harry wanted so much more when he pulled away. The level of self-control the other man was putting forth was absolutely remarkable, Draco thought. "We'll be waiting," Harry replied and slowly left the room, only looking back as he rounded the corner and out the bathroom door.
As soon as he was out of sight, Draco sat on the edge of the bathtub with a shaky sigh, and lowered his forehead into his hands.
"I will remember you, all of you, Harry," he whispered to himself. "I will."