Learning To Love
CHAPTER 13
Summary: The day that we are all just so excited for. Especially Eren.
Chapter 13: Learning To Calm
It's fucking cold, and I'm so uncomfortable. Mornings are not enjoyable in the first place, but why is this one so fucking terrible? That's right. Someone didn't change out of their clothes last night. I wonder who that could possibly have been. Fucking good one, Eren.
Rolling over so that I'm facing my room, I drag myself out of bed. Fucking jeans; you used to be comfortable when I slept in you. Why are you betraying me now? At least my shirt is a bit more comfortable, and they're helping to fend me from the cold. I guess that's a plus.
I escape out of my jeans, immediately regretting the decision when my naked legs become victims of the freezing cold air that encases them, and rummage through my pants' drawer for a clean pair of pants. I've never really been one for fashion, just finding what's comfortable and throwing that on. More often than not they don't match and I look like I was dressed in the dark.
I find a clean pair of trackies that are acceptable to wear out and shimmy into them, my legs not quite wanting to work well, having gone numb in the cold. Patting down my pants, my mind thinks of the last time that I actually got any action. Fuck that was a long time ago.
I haven't actually had someone inside me since dad was put away. And hadn't had a make-out session since that short, angry guy. That was around 7 or 8 months ago now. Man, I need to get out more.
If I remember correctly though, I had seen that short guy at the shops the on the weekend. With Principal Smith. They were talking about the reliability of condoms. Are they together? No, I'm pretty sure Principal Smith is married… right?
Doesn't matter anyway. It's not like I'm ever going to see that guy again anyway. He never even told me his name though. What an asshole. A really, really hot asshole. Fuck. Now's not the time to think of that shit. He was such a good dancer though, obviously putting lots of time and effort into mastering such a difficult skill.
I realise that I'm just standing in the middle of my room and shake my head of my thoughts. I need to get ready for school still. I shrug off my shirt, find a long sleeved, grey shirt and tug that on. Now for a jumper. Black's a good colour. Pulling on my black hoodie, I head out and to the bathroom to take care of my business and brush my teeth.
When I exit the bathroom, I go around the corner and into the kitchen where Mikasa's dad was sitting at the island table with Aysen in his arms. He raises his head when he hears me enter and warmly smiles at me.
"Morning, Eren. Did you sleep well?" I shrug in an indication that, no, I didn't really sleep well, but that doesn't matter. I head over to the cupboard and pull out the cereal, holding it up and turning to him in question of whether he'd like some, he has some time before he needs to leave anyway, it's only 7:30am. "I'm alright thanks."
I grab a bowl from the drawer and fill it halfway with cereal, head over to the fridge to retrieve the milk and pour about a tablespoon in. I never really have a lot of milk in my cereal anyway. Putting about the milk and cereal, I pick up my bowl and sit next to Mr Ackerman at the island.
"You know, I haven't been spending enough time with my own child. By the time I get home from work, he's been put to bed already." He has a solemn tone to his voice as he speaks. It's true though, when Mikasa's mum had passed, Mr Ackerman had to work more hours because of the money; they still had a mortgage to pay. "What type of father am I if I don't even spend time with my own son?"
"It's not your fault though. None of us were ready for what happened." I pause for a second, thinking whether I should say what I had in my. He deserves to know though. "Mikasa has signed up for a job at the library in the main centre. There's café there and they need workers, so she gave them her contact details. I – I'm also thinking of getting a job." I've finished my cereal by now, and I keep my head down, too nervous to look up for some reason.
Mr Ackerman doesn't respond for a little bit, absentmindedly playing with Aysen's fluffy hair while he thinks. I can't see him, even out of my peripheral vision, so I'm worried as to what he's thinking at the moment.
"That, that's great! You kids are so amazing." He sounds choked up somewhat and I raise my head in surprise at him. He's wearing a teary smile on his face and is holding Aysen more securely from where he had been resting on his lap. "Thank you, so much." He frees one hand and places it on my shoulder, an encouraging warmth radiating through my body from it.
Mikasa walks in at that moment, dressed and ready, and she stops in the middle of the entrance when she sees her dad. He has un-spilled tears in his eyes and a dorky, warm smile on his face. He must be quite the sight to Mikasa right now, she's probably worried that something's wrong.
"Dad?" He points his smile to her and removes his hand from my shoulder to hold it out to her. As she walks over, he thanks her too.
"Mikasa, Eren has just told me that you two are looking for jobs." He gaze flickers to me as she steps close enough for him to wrap his arm around her waist and then returns her eyes to him. "I'm so proud of you, my darling. And you too, Eren. Well, I have to leave now, have a good day at school you two, ok. Love you." He hands Aysen to Mikasa and grabs his suit jacket before heading out the door.
Without him here, the house goes silent. I'm too scared to look at Mikasa. Worried that I had said something I shouldn't have. Maybe she didn't want him to know about her and possibly me getting a job. Or perhaps she wanted to be the one to tell him. I don't raise my head at her, but suddenly Aysen is in my sight and is being placed into my arms. I secure my hold on him and look up to Mikasa.
"Well, I'm glad that he doesn't mind about us getting jobs." She goes about getting her own breakfast as she talks. "I'm worried for him though. He's pushing himself too hard; he needs to have a break from everything. He just hasn't stopped since Ma passed away." Her tone is sad, reflecting just how she feels about the whole situation.
She gets herself cereal and sits down next to me, eating as I bob Aysen on my knee. He's starting to grow a tiny bit, moving a bit more on his own. I still support him with a hand on his back of course, he hasn't grown that much. Just that he's able to support his head more efficiently.
Mikasa eats her cereal quickly and, as she finishes and stands up to clean her bowl, the doorbell rings. She looks to me in a silent question for me to get it and I walk over with Aysen to do so. It's probably Petra arriving to look after Aysen.
When I open the door, my assumption is correct and there stands the petite ginger. I give her a – hopefully convincing – forced smile and step aside to let her in.
"Good morning, Eren, Mikasa, how are you two?" She speaks in her normal, chipper voice that should not be used this early in the morning how on earth does she do that?
"So far it's good; hopefully we can keep it that way throughout the whole day." Mikasa replies for the two of us and offers a warm smile back. Petra walks over to me and takes Aysen so that I can pick up my bag from the cupboard along with Mikasa's.
"Well, a good start is essential to everyone's day. I hope you two have a lovely rest of the day." She waves at us from where we had come to stand at the door, Mikasa taking her offered bag from me and opening the door for us both.
"Bye, Petra. You have a good day as well." Mikasa returns as we both wave in our leave and walk out the door, Mikasa closing it shut behind us. Now, for the walk to a very long day of school, and an absolutely terrifying afternoon.
It's the last class of the day – maths of all things – and there's about a minute until the bell. For once, I'm not excited one bit for it, knowing just what will be happening afterwards. The appointment is at 4. So that means Mikasa and I will have about 30-40 minutes to get ready or what-not and then drive over to the psychiatrist's house.
I can't afford to have that much time to brood over the inevitable. I'll just end up locking myself in my room and have a panic attack. How surprising. It's not like I've had enough of those already to last a lifetime or two.
Before I know it, the bell rings, signalling the end of the lesson and school. Forever. Just kidding; but if only. Everyone in the class is rushing to shove their belongings in their bag and proceeding to rush out of the door, hoping, much like the rest of us, that if they rush enough, they'll never have to return to this hellhole.
Myself though, I take my time. In completely no rush to get out and walk into my death. I'd rather die a different way thank you. One with less panic and more submission. But, unfortunately, we all must go forth to our end, whether we like it or not.
I finish packing my bag, neatly to prolong the time, swing it over my right shoulder, and trudge out of the room. Mikasa had told me that she would wait out the front for me since she was on the other side of the school for her class and was also nearer to the front of the school, whereas I was furthest away.
Of course, I take my time in getting to our meet-up corner. It's important to relax and take your time once in a while anyway – isn't it? There weren't many people going about anymore, obviously taking long enough for the initial rush to get home to pass. There were only about 10 or so people still walking around, some talking on their phones or to their friends.
Once I've made my way to the front of the school and turn to go to the corner, Mikasa is already there and has her phone out, probably about to text me and ask where I am. She raises her head though and promptly puts her phone in her pocket, not looking overly impressed with my slack timing.
"Eren, what took you so long?" She doesn't sound overly impressed either if her harsh voice is anything to go by. I don't really have an excuse though to tell her, I was simply stalling so that I could prolong the time for me to panic. Quickly thinking of something, I say the first thing that pops into my head.
"Uh, I had diarrhoea." Wow. Perfect excuse. Go Eren. Mikasa doesn't look any more impressed by my lame excuse. I don't blame her though. I'm not even impressed with such an excuse.
"Ok, sure. Let's just get home though ok. I'm not sure how long it'll take to drive there and I'd rather be early than late. Come on, let's go." She starts walking without me and I don't make any effort to catch up. Content with just strolling along behind her.
Keeping a steady, quick pace, Mikasa is obviously in a hurry to get home, whereas I slowly start lagging behind her, not in any hurry what-so-ever. She looks over her shoulder to glimpse at me and does a double take. Where I had once been about half a metre to a metre behind her at first, I am now about 7 metres behind. Oh she does not look happy.
"Eren, hurry up. We need to get back quickly so that we can let Petra go home, wash Aysen, and get ready ourselves." Her tone of voice matches her expression in showing just how unimpressed she is. As we were walking, I had my head down, only high enough so that I can somewhat see Mikasa's feet ahead of me, only just in my vision. When she had spoken up, I didn't make eye-contact, simply continuing at my snail's pace in catching up to her.
When I had caught up to her, standing at the original distance of when we started walking, I hear Mikasa sigh dejectedly. She slowly walks over to me to close up the gap between us. I refuse to raise my head though, my expression more than likely one of pain. During the short time that we had been walking, my panic had been festering inside of my mind; I'm surprised I haven't collapsed to the ground and started rocking back and forth yet, like I usually do. She places her hand on my arm, and from lack of any response, she calmly speak to me.
"Eren." She waits for any sign of a response, but I still don't give her what she wants. I'm stubborn like that. "Eren, look at me, please." Still not heeding to her request, she gently places her forefinger on my chin and lifts my head so that my eyes can meet hers. I don't put up a fight, just letting her do as she pleases. My miserable eyes meet hers and her faces morphs straight into worry. "Eren, please tell me; do you not want to go to the session this afternoon? We don't have to go if you don't want to. No one is forcing you to go." She has a hint of plead in her voice as she reassures me.
We have to go though. This is important to her; I can't let her down. She's just as bad as I am. She had lost her mother as well and hasn't been as upbeat as she used to be. I don't exactly want to go per se, but I have to.
"It's fine, Mikasa. I want to go. Come on." My voice sounds too dejected to trust what I'm saying but she doesn't put up a fight. She turns around and this time she walks beside me, close enough to brush shoulders every now and then. We walk at a pace that's in between what we had both been going at before, neither fast like Mikasa nor sluggish like me; in the middle at a normal, walking pace.
When we had stopped, we weren't that far from Mikasa's house and so it only takes us a few more minutes before we're already there. Mikasa walks in front of me as usual, takes out her house key from her bag, and unlocks the door, calling out in a semi loud voice to Petra to let her know that we're home. As usual, she' sat at the lounge with the kids channel on. Aysen was sat beside her resting against the back of the couch so that he could support himself better and have a perfect view of the TV.
"Welcome back you two. I washed Aysen for you since I knew that you were going to take him out later. I also dressed him in fresh clothes as well for you." This woman is a saint sent from the heavens. Mikasa and I both drop our bags at the door, Mikasa heading straight to Petra and me going into the kitchen to fetch her pay that we leave on the bench there.
"Thank you so much, Petra! You really helped so much. I was planning to do that as soon as we got back. You've really saved me so much time." Mikasa thanks Petra and Petra stands up to give her a brief hug, telling her that it was no problem at all and she was delighted to help in any way that she can.
I walkover with the correct amount of cash and hand it to Petra, giving my thanks for her hard work as well. She gives us both bright, warm smiles and then grabs her bags, which she previously packed in time to leave, and heads out the door, practical rays of sunshine shining off of her.
"Ok, well, he looks comfortable there watching TV with his little teddy." Mikasa fondly says as she admires Aysen. We had bought him a blue teddy that was almost his size and he was always snuggling up to it when he wasn't with someone else. His dark eyes were trained on the TV, watching some random kids show that I have no idea what is about, and paying no heed to anything else going on around him.
"I can watch him while you go get ready, if you want." I offer to Mikasa and she nods in appreciation, heading to her room and coming back out with her towel and a change of clean clothes. I take my seat next to Aysen on the couch, careful not to jostle him too much in case he topples over; he's not the best at balance and falls over often.
The show that Petra had put on was a cartoon and the characters were these strange people and animals that could all talk. They were bouncing around a town, doing who knows what, and I basically lost all hope for the future generations, if this is the garbage that they are being forced to watch.
What happened to good ol' Sesame Street, or Play School? Man, those were the good old days. Waking up at the ass crack of dawn and singing along with the actors on TV and dancing with them as well. Ma always got a good laugh out of that; I really got into it. I wonder how she's doing. I should probably visit her grave soon; I haven't done so in a long while.
Mikasa doesn't take long in the shower and walks out in her clean clothes and semi-dry hair; still drying it as she walks out. She walks over and plops down on the floor in front of the couch and behind the coffee table, slightly squished between the two.
"You can use the bathroom now. I'd advise you to do so while the steam is still in there and it's warm." She grins as she says the last part and I nod in reply. I don't need a shower since I hadn't done anything over-exertive today, and I was gonna have one tonight anyway.
Instead, I change my pants to something smarter, like jeans. I find a black, skinny pair and pull them on, leaving my shirt since it was acceptable anyway. I cross the hall diagonally to the bathroom and shut the door. Mikasa was right: it was a right choice to come in while it was still warm. The steam is now trapped in here with me while I brush my teeth and floss.
As they say, when you look your best – or better than usual, psychologically, in my case – you feel more confident. Let's just put that theory to the test today then shall we? Sure, looking better crosses off one panic, but it just opens the door to the others that may have been tucked away, waiting for their time to shine bright and clear; like such a shit colour my hair is. It's brown, like shit. Beautiful.
I comb my fingers through my hair in a vain attempt at controlling it and keeping it at least a bit tamed. Such efforts go to waste of course when your hair is as stubborn as you are. Giving up, I muster the will to open the door, the blast of freezing air feeling like a complete slap in the face, and go back out to Mikasa.
"Ok, I'm ready to go. What's the time?" Mikasa pulls out her phone and checks the time for me.
"It's 3:30, we should probably go now. I don't know how long it'll take to get there, and it's better to be early than late." She turns off the remote that was on the table in front of her, stands and goes to the bathroom to put her towel, that she had been drying her hair with, to hang. "Can you grab Aysen's bag from my room and put his bottle that I filled in it and take it to the car with you, I'll grab Aysen."
I do as she says, passing her on the way to her room as she walks back out of the bathroom. I grab Aysen's special bag, go back out and put his bottle in it, and head to the car that used to be Mikasa's mum's, being passed down to Mikasa. Before going out, as I pass the keys on the hooks next to the door, I pick them up so that I can actually go into the car. Made that mistake once before, never again.
I hop into the front passenger seat with Aysen's bag at my feet and Mikasa's joins me a few seconds later, buckling Aysen in his booster seat before taking the keys from my proffered hand and starting the car.
"Ok, I have the address on maps on my phone so it should tell us the directions." I nod and sit back, ready for the ride to my doom.
I don't know many – if any – people that have been to a psychiatrist. None of our friends have said that they've been to one and I don't socialise outside of that group, so I wouldn't know anyone else that has been to one. Unless one of them has been but just didn't say anything out of embarrassment of actually needing one.
What if people start calling me mental? Normally crazy people, like sociopaths, go to psychiatrists. Jean will more than likely start calling me that since he'll finally have something new to make fun of me for. That horseface needs to go to a vet though; his voice is getting increasingly hoarser as the days go by; he should really get that checked out.
We're already on the road and driving, Mikasa's driving is one that you feel the safest with. She exudes this powerful aura of knowledge; that she actually knows what she's doing on the road and has everything in control. When my mother was driving with me, I'd clutch the seat in fear of driving off the road or into someone. Same with Jean.
I glance at her phone, which has been placed on the compartment in the middle, and see that we actually don't live that far from the psychiatrist, only ten minutes or so until we arrive. Great. I can count down the minutes until my death. Aysen is gurgling in the backseat, waving his arms and legs around a bit as he does so. How did we get so lucky to have him dropped into our lives?
He's like a godsend to prevent my destructive thoughts – although it doesn't always help – and to let us watch grow and blossom into hopefully a creative genius and an open-minded, caring person. I will definitely protect this child with my life. Give an unimportant life to save one that has so much to live for; sounds like a good deal to me.
Mikasa pays her complete attention on the road, not paying any mind to me and probably even Aysen. She's really gone into some kinda of shell since her mother died; I wonder if I did that. I probably did, my depressed ass must have been somewhat cheerful at some point. She isn't as outgoing as before, sure she still has fun near to all the time, but she has most definitely receded into herself.
In my mindless thoughts of practically nothing, Mikasa announces that we have arrived and parks the car on the curb behind another black, shiny car. She cuts the engine and unbuckles, proceeding to exit the car and unbuckle Aysen and shrug on his bag. I join her and exit the car as well, both walking up to the front door after she hands me Aysen.
As we pass the cars though, I see another man get into the car we parked behind. Fuck my life. It's that guy again. Now known as the erotic dancer with a stage name of 'Heichou,' Mr Smith's friend of some sort and Mikasa's long lost/banished uncle. Now a new one is added to the list of going to a psychiatrist; even better that that psychiatrist just happens to be the one that we are going to. Perfect.
Mikasa pays no mind to the guy – she probably didn't notice him since they didn't make out at one point and it's weird between them – and continues up to the door, ringing the doorbell when she's close enough. The psychiatrist – I've forgotten their name so hopefully they say their name before it gets awkward – opens the door in just a few seconds, obviously still near it since they had just said goodbye to the ravenet.
"Ah! Good afternoon! You two are Mikasa and Eren right? Sorry if I've forgotten." They're all smiles and an amazing amount of energy, practically bouncing on the spot as they greet us.
"Good afternoon. Yes we are, you didn't forget. It's ok that we've brought my little brother right?" Mikasa replies for the two of us and becomes unsure when she asks her question.
"Oh no, it's perfectly fine! Don't worry about it, you can bring him to each session if you need to, so don't fret about it." She has a face of incredulity, as if she couldn't think of why we wouldn't be allowed to bring Aysen. "I'm glad that I didn't forget your names, and, just in case you've forgotten mine, it's Hanji Zoe. You may call me Hanji if you'd like and please, if you're going to refer to me, please use they, their and them pronouns. I don't like to be gendered, thank you." I've not met someone that doesn't like to be gendered before and actually announce it. I'll try my best to do so; I don't want to accidentally insult them.
We nod and she invites us in, leading us into the room directly to the left when entering. The house has dark, wooden floorboards and warm coloured walls, obviously to relax anyone that enters; probably purposely designed that way for their job. The room we enter is large, housing a modern desk directly to your right when you walk in and there are large wooden bookshelves that line almost every wall where there is space.
In the middle of the room, the are two couches that are facing each other with a coffee table in the middle. The couches are a marron colour and the table has a clear top with black bars. There are tissues and, from what I can tell, a few science magazines spread-stacked on it.
The lighting for the room comes through the windows from the front of the house. The windows are facing where the sun sets, so the beautiful colours of orange and red shine through and into the room, lighting up the whole place. There are thin curtains drawn over the windows and they must be the type that you can't see from one side since it would make people uneasy to know that they can be seen while they spill their guts out for someone. Tied up on the sides of the windows are thicker curtains though, so if people want, they can be drawn as well.
"You two can go in and sit down and get comfortable if you'd like. I had just baked some cookies before you arrived so I'll go and get some for you both. Would either of you like a drink or something else to eat?" We shake our heads in reply and she goes off to retrieve the fresh cookies. Mikasa and I sit down on the couch that has its back to the door, Mikasa placing the bag on the floor and motioning for me to pass Aysen to her.
She cuddles him to her chest, resting her head near to his and remaining quiet. Maybe she is somewhat nervous for this after all. My panic seems to have eluded my mind, or I'm just in some kind of high spirit. Definitely high; the panic will come eventually.
We sit there in quiet until Hanji comes back in, holding a plate full of choc chip cookies and a massive grin on their face. They really are excited, aren't they? They place the plate on the table, pick up a small notepad from it as well as they sit down and pull out a pen from their hair. Leaning back into their seat, the smile on their face calms down into a warm one.
"How was your two's day?" I guess that she's just going to ease into it then; smart, don't want to pressure the patient and scare them off at first sentence.
"Well, we had school of course, so that isn't the most fun of times, and I had gym on top of that. But otherwise my day wasn't too bad." Mikasa answers first and I'm reluctant to speak. I don't even know why I don't want to say anything, I simply don't.
"And you, Eren? Was your day ok?" Hanji directs the question to me now, hoping to get some type of response, and all I give them is a nod. "She seems pleased to at least get something out of me and goes on. "So how old is this little one? He's your brother, Mikasa, right?" Mikasa nods and smiles lovingly down at Aysen.
"He's two weeks old tomorrow." Hanji doesn't ask anything personal, obviously experienced enough to understand that one personal question too soon or too triggering could set everything off; like asking why his mother isn't caring for him at such a young age. They have probably deducted that information simply by that fact alone.
"Ah, he's so adorable, and he's grown a fair bit for that age! Oh how I love the human body!" They are extremely enthusiastic when they start speaking about his size, speaking rushedly and excitedly.
"Yeah, he really has. He can somewhat keep himself up slightly for about one or two seconds before falls and starts to rock side to side. He's such an amazing baby, I wouldn't ask for anyone else." Mikasa's tone is entirely adoring; we all love Aysen to death, but Mikasa's love for him outweighs everyone's.
"Ah, sisterly love at its finest." Now Hanji has gone all sappy along with Mikasa, both having stupidly adoring faces on. "So, Mikasa, what has recently been going on? Anything big happen that has turned your life around perhaps?" Here come the actual questions now. Mikasa stays silent for a bit, Hanji remaining patient in her seat, now with their notebook at the ready, before she takes a deep, steadying breath and speaks.
"Yeah, my mother had passed away, during or after the birth of my brother. She had fallen at home, thank god Eren was there to help her otherwise her nor my brother would have made it. She had gotten damage to her head when she fell and the doctors hadn't realised just how serious an injury it was, prioritising the life of Aysen and birthing him."
Hanji was taking notes of everything Mikasa said, keeping their head up and focus completely on her, even though Mikasa kept her head down as she spoke. Hanji nodded every now and then; obviously just in case Mikasa were to raise her head then it would show that they were paying attentive focus on her and her words.
"That's quite horrible, losing such a big part of your life like that. How do you feel about all of this exactly? Can you explain just what goes through your head each day, please?" Hanji's tone has gone into a professional, yet calming, tone now, no more jokes.
"Well, of course I'm sad about it and I miss her to bits, but, I feel bad; guilty, because I didn't have a massive reaction to the whole event. I haven't been to her grave since the funeral on Saturday."
Hanji jots this down as well, the sides of their mouth dropping down in a small frown; not happy about how Mikasa feels about the whole ordeal.
"I don't feel like doing anything either. I have no want to go to school and hang out with my friends or boyfriend. I just don't feel like even getting out of bed sometimes." Ah, Mikasa and I feel the same, but she's only recently been feeling like this, since her mother passed. I've felt like that my entire life.
"They are all natural responses to an event like this happening, and I can help you to get out of that mind frame. You are showing signs of depression and we can do more sessions until you feel at your best, or at least as good as you can feel. It can be a difficult and long process sometimes, but you've only got the minor signs so we can possibly get rid of it sooner." Hanji speaks in her professional tone again, assuring Mikasa that she can fix this with effort.
They speak for another 10 or so minutes and then it's my go to speak. You know, they say that panic attacks can strike at complete random and out of nowhere, sometimes even for no reason. There is a reason for this one, and it may not be out of nowhere, but it was definitely the fastest one has come on.
Great.
A/N Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you think in the comments and if there are any mistakes. Thank you!