GIA:
I feel a sinister chill deep in my bones despite the scalding heat of the shower leaving rosy splotches on my pale skin. After a pained glance at my mutilated left arm, I curse at myself gruffly under my breath. My bony hand is trembling violently, just barely keeping its hold on the piece of metal within its clutch. The razor glitters mockingly under the light, reflecting my dark, dead, eyes in its tiny mirror. I blink frantically through heavy water droplets, seeing flashes of my raven-haired lover in my self-induced insanity. I scream out in frustration, completely unable to discern my tears from the shooting streams of water cascading down my cheeks. Suddenly overcome with unexplainable defeat and anger, I bring the razor the the skin of my wrist, cutting a swift, clean vertical line with a strength I was unaware I had. I feel my chest heaving, and the walls slowly closing in. I shake my head maniacally, bracing myself against the cold, glass door. The room is spinning, and becomes a blurry, dizzying mess of water surrounded by a dark pool of crimson red. I panic only slightly as I begin to lose all feeling in my left arm, but am instantly overcome by a disturbing serenity. I squeeze my eyes shut as the pressure becomes too much, and in an instant, my head crashes onto the blood-stained tile floor, my nearly lifeless right hand letting go of sickeningly sharp piece of metal. The last sound I hear is the soft tinkling of the razor hitting the ground, before every nerve in my emaciated body is numb, and the world goes black.
And then I wake up.
My body awakes with a start, jerking upward into a sitting position. My face, beaded with sweat, turns briefly to check on my girlfriend, a sea of dark hair breathing evenly on the pillow next to me. I'm surprised she hasn't asked about that day yet; that day just over a week ago that's left me scarred, literally. Granted, the girl has only been home a few days, but she usually wants to know everything right away.
I can't help but sigh at the realization of how this short time apart has changed us so much. I haven't asked about her stay in a psych ward, but to be honest, I'm not sure that I want to know all of the details of that. I bite my lip at the searing pain in my left wrist, and instantly bring the throbbing limb to my chest, holding it close and stifling my whimpers so I don't wake Ade.
Ade. Her name sends a sharp needle of guilt piercing through my heart.
I was selfish. I wanted to leave her. How could I possibly do that?
My thoughts are interrupted by an excruciating wave of pain in my wrist, and I cry out, briefly and involuntarily. But of course, Ade hears me. She sits up slowly, rubbing her green eyes as she places a soft kiss on my cheek.
"Sweetie," her eyebrows are knotted together, "What's wrong?"
I'm tempted to say nothing, but I'm fully aware of how ridiculous that one sounds.
I open my mouth to speak, but instead, a choked whimper is all I manage to get out.
Hey, I gave it a try.
Ade sits up, adjusting her shirt - yes I promise, we are both fully clothed. I can barely see her shifting around in the darkness, and fumbling with the lamp switch until a bright light illuminates the room. My girlfriend squints her eyes adorably for a moment, before turning her attention back on me. The me that is still completely mute due to the strange and intense pain in my wrist.
"Gia," Ade's tone sounds worried, the pitch of her voice rising dramatically, "Is it your wrist? Does it hurt?"
I merely nod, figuring that there's pretty much no point in lying to her. I let go of the tight grasp on my wrist, crying out at the sudden full-scale pain surging through my arm. Adrianna bites her lip as she gently rolls up the cotton sleeve of my shirt, making me turn away at the sudden disclosure of my cuts, some now slowly turning into pink scars as the skin around them knits itself together.
I can see that Ade is hesitant before unraveling the bandage covering my wrist, her long fingers hovering over the white wrapping.
"Would you check?" My voice comes out soft; terrified.
Ade's green eyes visibly brighten at my request, and her body relaxes a bit; obviously feeling comforted at the fact of my asking for her help. That doesn't happen too often.
"Of course, baby."
The girl pushes herself up, pressing her soft mouth against my own. She bites down on my bottom lip, and I feel myself moaning into her mouth despite my pain. The brunette smiles against my lips before turning back to my wrist.
I'm sitting cross-legged with my left forearm facing upward, my heart is racing in dreaded anticipation of the gash currently under wraps. Adrianna tucks a piece of long, dark hair behind her ear, her body bent over my arm. The girl gingerly undoes the bandage, her talented fingers moving quickly without touching my sensitive skin.
I wish her talented fingers were moving quickly in other places right about now.
Hey, get your mind out of the gutter, Gia.
I can see the tears ready to pour out of my girlfriend's horrified eyes when the white bandage is successfully removed, revealing a nasty cut, much deeper and thicker than I remember. The wound is sticky and black, all of the skin around it swollen and puffy, throbbing with each beat of my heart.
"Jesus Christ." Ade breathes, shifting away from me slightly.
"I..." I swallow hard, "I can't believe I that."
My eyes are wide, incredulously staring at the deep laceration; I'm not lying. I really cannot believe I did that.
"Oh, Gia!" Adrianna cries, throwing her arms around me and placing quick kisses all over my face and neck, "Baby, I love you so much. If I ever lost you..." She trails off, her sparkling green eyes meeting mine.
I place my finger over her pouty, red lips.
"I'm not going anywhere."
One of the coolest things about Ade is that her mind runs on its own private agenda, subconsciously writing and checking off tasks. After smiling quickly, she immediately reverts her gaze to my disgusting wrist, and without saying a word, guides me downstairs to the kitchen. Mom's on a business trip, so at least we don't have to worry about hiding my cut from her. Let's just say, the two of us have spoken a lot less than usual since "the incident".
Yeah, well, maybe we haven't spoken because she insists on using terms like "the incident" to describe the day when I tried to kill myself.
I plop myself down on the tall wooden chair behind the counter, letting my aching wrist relax at the cool, smooth texture of the marble surface. I find myself lost in Adrianna: her majestic demeanor, her legs gracefully moving in time to the sway of her somehow untangled hair. She moves toward me slowly, her eyes comforting, basically making me expect the pain that's to come.
She takes a deep breath in, sitting down on the matching tall chair next to mine. I see that she's holding a bag of frozen peas, and I can nearly feel the pressure suffocating my wrist already.
"It's gonna hurt, isn't it?" My voice is full of dread.
"But then it will make it hurt less." Ade's voice is calm.
She was smart to leave out the answer to my question. The brunette gently takes my wrist in her cold palm, pressing the deathly frozen bag against my wrist, and making me see starts.
"Ow!" I cry out a long, drawn out whimper of pain, without moving my wrist from Ade's soft grasp.
"I'm sorry, sweetie." Ade bites her lip, clearly acknowledging the tears I'm trying to hide, "Oh, no. Please don't cry. Please."
Despite my best efforts, the damn tears fall, streaming in perfect lines down my face. Still keeping on hand firm on the frozen peas, Adrianna leans forward, gently kissing each of my tears away; the action it it of itself "magically" vanishing the tears.
I wonder why.
"Thank you." I whisper, finally feeling the ongoing pain in my wrist begin to lessen.
All of a sudden, I hear a pair of footsteps creaking behind me.
"Hey lesbos," I whip my head around, smiling instantly at Lila's smirk, "Miss me?"
"Shit." Ade breathes, "You scared the crap out of me."
"Aw, thanks, sweetie," the redhead moves closer to Ade, "Great to see you too."
"C'mere." Ade rolls her eyes, extending her arms to embrace Lila.
"Glad you have you back, Ade." Lila smiles at her, "Sorry to barge in like this, but I just woke up to Mama and Daddy numero cuatro doing the nasty. Long story short, Navid's mother will die if I show up there in the middle of the night," the three of us giggle, "So am I interrupting some kind of femslash here, or..." the girl trails off, as if noticing my horrifically mutilated arm for the first time since she got here, "Holy shit."
"Lila, I..." I trail off, somehow at a loss of words for the thousandth time tonight.
"She just..." Ade seems to be drawing a blank at this one also, exchanging awkward questioning looks with me, though we're both fully aware of Lila's near presence.
"You guys don't have to lie," Lila sighs, "I know what that is, Gia."
"Oh." I look down, embarrassed, "Well, this is why I haven't been around lately. Just sad, you know?"
"No need to explain." Lila waves her hand reassuringly, "Just as long as you're okay."
"More than okay." I wink at Ade, and she blushes.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Lila raises her eyebrows, "Please, would you two at least ask me to leave before you have a telepathic fuck?"
We all crack up, and I place the bag of not-so-frozen peas onto the counter, gently rolling down the sleeve of my shirt so that I can feel the inside of the fabric ever so slightly tugging at the cracked skin around my cut.
"So," Ade exchanges glances with both Lila and I, "Movie night?"
"Movie night." Lila nods, before we all head toward the living room.
Once the three of us are comfortable on the couch, mine and Ade's hands intertwined, I turn on the television.
"Alright guys, what are we watching?"
"Oh!" Lila jumps as I pass a movie on the channel guide, "P.S. I love you."
Ew. Hilary Swank looks like a guy.
"Eh," Ade shrugs, "Hilary Swank is kind of a turn-off. She looks like a man."
We all crack up.
God, we are so meant for each other.
"What," Lila turns to us, a smirk forming on her lips, "You guys have a thing against guys now?"
Ade holds up our intertwined hands.
"Lesbians, hello?" She laughs.
"You're a lesbian?" Lila gasps with mock surprise, "Man, I can't believe you guys didn't tell me. How could I have missed that?" She pauses to think for a moment, "Nope. I would have to be blind and deaf to miss out on your sapphic PDA." She winks.
"Whip It!" Ade screams, and I click on the the channel.
I smile to myself, as this would have been my choice of movie, too. I look over at Lila, rolling her eyes, and I giggle.
This is the gayest movie we could have picked.
I look down as Ade squeezes my hand slightly.
Gay is good. Really good.
Sorry it took a while to update! I've been super busy! Leave all your sweet comments and tell me what you thought!
xo
em