I apologize for this incredibly long delay. I hope I still have readers! But I thought it would be better if I took a mini-hiatus to finish writing the story, so that I don't leave you high and dry for months at a time. I can now officially promise you one update a week until the story is done!

And my Star Trek addiction excitement for the week (which was actually the week I wrote this chapter, so in reality, it's my excitement from a while ago, but it's still cause for jumping up and down with joy): Star Trek Into Darkness, coming to a theater near you May 17, 2013!

Disclaimer: still don't own

Jim opened his eyes wearily, and let out a short breath of air as he took in the semi-dark room. The light of pre-dawn was hazy at best, and did little to relieve the shadows in his bedroom.

Even so, he was able to make out the large mass lying on the floor, and catalogued it as Kevin and Tom, as the events of the previous night came back to him. Glancing around, he noted McCoy sitting in a chair across the room, and Spock, seemingly meditating in a far corner.

Jim sighed softly, turning his head towards the window next to his bed, and confirmed that it was, in fact, quite early. The sun wouldn't rise for another hour, at least. Damn. He had been hoping that being back on earth would allow his nerves to settle enough to actually get some sleep. As nice as that night he had spent using McCoy's leg as a pillow had been, it really hadn't been incredibly restful.

Spock of course was aware of his captain's shift from sleep to waking, but he chose not to react. In his meditative state, he felt Jim shift around on the bed, and waited for a movement that would indicate the man was leaving the room. It never came, though, and, sneaking a glance, the Vulcan saw Jim staring out the room's sole window. He seemed to be enraptured with the stars above – or what few stars could be seen, with the light pollution.

He kept one eye cracked, focused on the captain, while the rest of his senses spread out to catalogue the rest of the environment. He knew that he and Jim were the only ones awake, though judging from the way the young Cadet Riley kept twitching and moving around, he surmised it wouldn't remain that way for long.

Sure enough, less than two minutes later, Kevin inhaled sharply and sat up, carefully extracted himself from his spot next to Tom, and quietly made his way out of the room.

Jim waited exactly one minute, before he too got up, making no sound as he exited the room. It spoke volumes to his abilities, thought the First Officer, as he slipped back into a light meditation. He did, after all, have a lot to think about.

XXX

Kevin glanced up as Jim entered, offered up a tight smile, and then went back to staring at the wall from his position on the floor, leaning against the couch in the same spot he had occupied the previous afternoon.

He wasn't quite sure how they had all ended up sleeping in Jim's room, though he guessed it had something to do with the simple after dinner discussion that took place in the living room turning into a five hour long debate between Tom, Jim, and Spock, on the most notable scientists of the day. Or something like that. Kevin was a navigations specialist. He wasn't a slouch, by any definition of the word, but he wasn't gifted at science, either.

Sometime after one o'clock, McCoy had grumbled about Jim needing to get some sleep, which had somehow turned into all of them spending the night. Jim, being Jim, had offered up his bed, but hadn't even been able to get the entire sentence out before the doctor – whom Kevin wasn't entirely sure of just yet, he couldn't quite get a read on the man that he both admired and was slightly scared of – had overrode him, demanding that his friend get into bed immediately, and then, without pausing for breath, demanded that they all get some rest, turned off the lights, and collapsed in the chair that – along with the bed – was the only piece of furniture in the room. Kevin couldn't help but think that Jim really needed to add some personality to this apartment.

Jim took a seat next to Kevin, but didn't speak. Together, the two sat there in silence, both thinking of the same thing, the very thing that had brought them together again. Tarsus. Kodos. Their very own Hell. The nightmare that had plagued them both for damn near fifteen years.

Both were remembering nights back on that planet, when Jim had been on watch; Kevin, unable to sleep, or woken up by the hunger and fear that plagued them all, would join him, and together, the two would sit and watch the sunrise. They never spoke, but that silent companionship meant so much, for both of them.

It wasn't until the room had lightened significantly, dawn approaching quickly, as evidenced by the natural light coming through the window in the kitchen and spilling through the open door into the living room, that Jim finally spoke.

"It's funny."

Kevin looked over sharply at his friend. He wasn't sure where Jim was planning on going with this, and he definitely did not like the contemplative tone the captain was using.

Jim was only silent for a few moments before he continued. "I've watched the sun rise and set for years, and I never get tired of it. No matter how… screwed up… life gets, it always goes on. The world keeps revolving, days keep passing… Even when things got so bad that I couldn't understand how… Even in the darkest night, dawn always came. It goes from light to dark, but always back to light again." Jim stopped, looking suddenly mildly embarrassed at what he had just said. When Kevin didn't speak up in the silence, he looked over at the younger man, his gaze honest and pure, with a hint of agony underneath that made Kevin sure he couldn't possibly begin to understand just how much this whole thing was tearing the captain up inside. "That's how I know this mess can't really be as bad as I keep thinking. It sucks right now, and it's sucked for a long time… but eventually, it will get better." There was a conviction and a hint of steel in Jim's voice that reassured the cadet. "Dawn's always just around the corner, right?"

Kevin nodded, reaching out and grasping Jim's hand. The gesture was more for him, than for the captain. He needed the reassurance. He needed to feel the physical comfort that another human being provided. He needed a grounding for his own pain and suffering. He needed Jim to remind him that he was here. He had survived.

The two sat in silence for a while longer, just taking pleasure in the simple things: the lightening room that indicated the day was fast approaching, each other's company…

"Have you ever thought about ending it?"

The question came out of the blue, and startled McCoy, Tom, and Spock, who were all about to exit the bedroom. With a wave of his hand, McCoy effectively stopped the other two from announcing their presence. While he definitely did not think any of them should be privy to Jim's answer, he could not help but admit that he was curious. As horrible as it sounded, he had often wondered if suicide had ever crossed his best friend's mind.

Jim didn't look or act surprised at all. He remained completely calm, thinking over the question, deciding what he should divulge. He would be lying if he told Kevin the thought had never crossed his mind… On the other hand, was he really considering admitting out loud that he had actually thought about it? That would just create a whole new breed of problems.

Finally, he sighed. "That's a loaded question if ever I heard one." Kevin didn't say anything.

Off to the side, McCoy bit his lip at the lack of proper reply. Even if Jim hadn't directly answered the question, he had his response. Shit.

Jim glanced over at the cadet, taking in the tense stance, and the way he was refusing to meet the captain's eyes. Well, no matter what his response might be, he was fairly certain of Kevin's, if he were to ask the same question. He gave the cadet's hand a squeeze, before he spoke again.

"I don't know if I my response would be based solely on what happened on Tarsus. I was pretty screwed up before I even got there. After it was all over…" Jim bit his lip, looking away towards the far wall. "I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to eat. I just wanted the world to go away and leave me the hell alone. I could barely close my eyes without seeing the bodies, feeling the pain… I wanted it to end. Did I want to die?" Jim looked back at Kevin, who was watching him with wide eyes, subconsciously holding his breath. "No. But I would have been willing to, just to get it all to stop."

Kevin let out his breath. He unconsciously gripped Jim's hand tighter.

In the bedroom, McCoy also let out a deep sigh as his hands curled into fists. If he were allowed just five minutes alone with that Kodos… well, at least Starfleet would no longer have to pay to house him until trial… neither would they need to pay for the trial. Win-win situation. Right? He swallowed harshly, and then jumped slightly as Tom rested a hand on his shoulder.

"He moved on, Leonard."

His voice was barely a whisper, and spoken with the quiet calm that McCoy had become used to as the scientist's natural speaking voice. Somehow, it soothed him, and he unclenched his hands. Tom was right. He knew that Jim wasn't that kid anymore. He would definitely see to it that they talked about this, but he didn't need to worry about Jim. At least, not about Jim suddenly having the urge to off himself. He had plenty of other things to worry about when it came to the captain, but not this.

The three gave the pair in the living room a few more minutes, before announcing their presence. By unspoken agreement, none of them acted like they had overheard anything, and the group was quickly making their way back across campus to the cafeteria for breakfast.

Uhura was the first of Jim's command crew to join them, dropping her breakfast tray on the table as she sat down next to Spock. They were quickly joined by Sulu and Chekov, and introductions were made, before the table broke up into several separate conversations. Tom and Kevin were quickly integrated, which made Jim incredibly happy. Kevin and Chekov struck up a conversation about their chosen field of study, while Sulu broke in occasionally with his own opinions. Uhura and McCoy were content to listen as Jim, Spock, and Tom continued what they could only surmise was a continuation of a previous conversation. Not that either of them could really understand much beyond the 'the's' and the 'and's'.

The eight of them stayed where they were long after they had finished eating. Kevin was aware that he would most likely miss his morning classes, but he was having too much fun talking with the people that would most likely become his command crew in just a few short months. He was completely in awe of Chekov, a man around his age, already not only a commissioned officer but the chief navigations officer on Starfleet's flagship. He felt missing a couple classes was an acceptable price for getting on the good side of his future boss.

It was nearing lunch when Jim stood up, effectively breaking up the gathering. As the group said their good byes, he pulled Kevin aside. "If any of your teachers give you grief for skipping class, just send them to me or Admiral Pike."

Kevin nodded, and gripped Jim's arm tightly around his bicep briefly. As an action it wasn't much, but Jim understood perfectly. With a small smile, and a nod to Tom, who was watching them closely, he turned around and made his way through campus. He had an appointment with Admiral Pike.

Well, it's a little longer… does that make up for the delay in updates? Maybe little delays are a good thing, though, the last chapter I put up has gotten way more reviews than previous ones, where I had an update out every week.

To sum up, please review!