A/N: My life is fixing to get hectic. I'm finishing my Specialists Degree. My research is due in a month. I have finished chapter 14, and I'm working on 15. Updating will be a bit slower than it has. I did leave a treat at the end if you're interested. Read it to find out. ;)

I have to dedicate this chapter to my very best reviewer. She loves these shout outs, and I can't help myself. Here's your hit- MRS. CULLEN1122, you will LOVE this chapter. It's what you've been waiting for.

Chapter 13

Something

Deadness

Heaviness

Crushing weight

Loss

Pain

Searing agony

Vacant suction within my being

Furious entity apart from myself lashing at anyone who came near

Nightmares for hours

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

Finally,

Something.

Life still continues. Loss changes you forever, but this planet was set in motion, and that momentum carries it and those who inhabit it forward unceasingly. Life looks neither to the right or left and certainly not backward. It's a curse when you need to wrap yourself in the pain and not move, but as you start to look around and realize that the days still come and go and the moon continues its course across the nighttime sky, this passage of time drags you along until your innermost need to belong with the living, despite that your entire heart wishes to remain with the dead, propels you to move once more- even if your new life is a shadow of what it once seemed.

Eleven Weeks Earlier

Alice and Jasper took me back to the house. The police arrived after a few minutes. Alice's perfect French accent incurred no doubt that she and her boyfriend were simply driving through the country when they happened upon a terrible scene.

There were wild dogs that were chased off by our car. Yes, it was so unusual. We don't ever remember anything as horrible as this. She was hysterical in a tree. It looked like the man had tried to fight the dogs with a branch. He fell backwards—over the roots of the tree. The branch must have torn his throat. Yes, it was a dreadful accident. She hasn't spoken since. We think she's in shock. No, we don't know her name. We'll take her to the nearest hospital and stay with her there. Of course we'll be available if you need to contact us.

This was my experience for weeks; conversations between everyone were half-spoken and referring to me in the third person. I had lost the ability to converse in anything more than single syllables. I blamed myself because there was nobody else to blame. I couldn't be angry at anyone, not even the vamp who took Evan's life blood.

I also couldn't continue the life I had worked so hard to create.

I couldn't talk to Darcie. I refused to attend class. I was unable to tolerate the familiar settings that reminded me of the boy that I loved. Every spot where Evan and I had spent the smallest measurement of time became landmarks of memories that tore open my heart.

In short, I had to leave my feeble attempt at fitting into the human world; without Evan it was too painful. I returned home to New Hampshire, and drifted through the next three weeks in a daze. The scenery changed but not much. Some days I spent in my room. Others I spent in that little alcove where I had enjoyed a spring afternoon with Embry so long ago. There were days that found me sitting in the kitchen unable to move from my window seat. Most mornings, afternoons, and evenings saw me staring at the TV, staring but not seeing anything. It became a habit to flip through the channels while my mind re-enacted my favorite memories of the last 6 months. It was the only consolation that I permitted myself.

My family hovered, but they couldn't help. They tried. How they tried, but except for Esme, none of them could really understand my pain. Human death was common; they were all so fragile.

Bella usually took "Serenity Duty" and sat holding my hand, or, at times, she would lie beside me. She turned out to be wonderful. She let me be. She didn't ask questions. She respected my need to be left alone even if no one else in the house believed that was ok. Best of all, she didn't tell me how everything would work out one day. She didn't try to convince me that it was for the best. Maybe she was doing for me as she would want her family to reciprocate when the time came. Unlike the rest of us, Bella was still connected to the human world with very real ties that one day would sever.

If Bella was the most tolerable, Edward was the worst. He had to explain what everyone else was thinking. He tried so desperately to understand me and to figure out how I was feeling and what I needed.

But, honestly, he really sucked at figuring out people without using the mindreading ability.

I let him talk. Sometimes it was interesting. It did provide moments of downtime for my brain. If I listened, at least I didn't think. But mostly it was annoying as hell being told how worried everyone was and how sorry they were that this happened. I had already figured that one out by myself.

Embry came by during one of these episodes. This particular day I woke at dawn but refused to move. I missed breakfast and lunch. Mom and Dad both sat in my room, Mom stroking my hair, Dad looking out the window. Embry had remained in our New Hampshire home when he realized that I was coming home permanently. He gave me more space than I thought him capable of, but that was about to come to an end.

He appeared at my bedroom door uninvited.

"Do you care if I talk to her?"

I could imagine every response going through Mom and Dad's minds, but they must have been at the end of their ropes because they left without a single complaint or warning.

My eyes followed him as he moved around my room. It was the most movement that I had engaged in all day. He pulled open a few drawers, opened my closet, and shifted through items that I had left about.

"So, you've been avoiding me," stated matter-of-factly.

I didn't know what he was talking about.

"I've been around purposely trying to be in the same area with you for weeks, but every time I get in your line of sight, you leave and hide in here. Is it a conscious effort or subconscious?"

I stared at him. I didn't know what he wanted me to say.

He rolled his eyes. "Come on Serenity, say something. How about, 'Oh, Embry, I'm so glad you came back. I've missed you.' That would work for me."

I had no emotion to impart, but I gave him what I could. "Oh, Embry, I'm so glad you came back. I've missed you."

He flopped down on my bed. "Oh, thank God. I was wondering if you had totally forgotten about me. I kept thinking, if I had only put out for you, if I hadn't been so pedantic, you'd still want me."

I'm sorry. I know I just experienced a devastating loss, but I had to smile. And I immediately felt guilty and wiped the smile from my face.

"Stop doing that!" Embry commanded. "You are still allowed to smile. You're allowed to laugh; you can go out and do something. You can take advantage of old flames." He got right into my face. "You can still live, Serenity. Let's go out and get something to eat. Let's drive around and pretend that we're going to eat. Hell, let's lie to everyone and go sit in the park for a couple of hours. You can mope there as easily as here."

I shook my head; I didn't want to. He was wrong. How could I live, when he couldn't?

"Embry," I whispered. How do you tell someone you used to be so close to that you weren't the same anymore? That you had changed and that they wouldn't like the new person you'd become. My tongue stuck in the back of my throat, and I couldn't form the words.

"What?"

"I, just, I can't talk about it. I don't want to."

"Good, because I don't want to hear all the details of what you and that guy did together." He paused and looked reflectively to the ceiling. "I wanted your first time to be with me, and I missed it."

That made me move. I shot up into a sitting position, and Embry even jumped up from the shock of sudden movement.

"You know?" I hissed.

"Hello! Freaky psychic vamp down there who sees everything. She and I had a very long and private conversation on the flight home." He leaned away from me and propped himself on the back of my bed's headboard. "Do you have any idea how many decisions a guy makes during a, how do I put this tactfully?" He looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath and let it out in a huff. "Awe, screw tact. Guys make like a hundred decisions when they're trying to get in a girl. And Alice actually likes the play by plays she gets. I mean, she's on some ramped up AM frequency; it's real-time voyeurism." He shook his head in condemnation. "She's got some serious issues." Alice could be heard hissing from just below us mixed in with Bella's giggling.

"Do my parents? Are they here?" I strained to hear their body movements. I could only pray that they left, and I didn't realize.

"Oh, yah, they know." He chuckled to himself. "I mean, they didn't know 3 minutes ago, but they do now. The fact that they haven't busted down the door means someone has a tight grip on them."

All I could think of was Oh, crap. Crap and fans.

"Alice saw everything?"

"The girl should be forced to walk around with a parental warning stamped on her shirts. Thank God she can't see my decisions. If she could," he let out a long whistle, "she'd have to have NC-17 carved between her eyes."

I actually laughed. I had changed, but Embry hadn't. Still the same one-track-mind and hilarious perspective on life.

He was practically begging me, "Let's get out of here, Serenity. Come on. You don't have to shut yourself away for eternity. I'm starving. If you buy me dinner, I'll do anything you want me to do later." He grinned wickedly. "Show me some of your worldly experience. Heck, even I haven't gone international."

I rolled my eyes this time. "I don't know."

"Yes, you do. You've already decided. Hey, I'll help you get dressed! I know I saw some black lacey underwear in here somewhere."

At this the door burst open and shot across the room barely missing Embry on its projectile path. It thudded into the wall, and I could catch the scent of New Hampshire's late spring sneak into my room from the splintered wood. My dad stood seething in the entrance.

He never unclenched his teeth. "If you're going to go eat, then go out and eat. And Stay. In. Public. Alice!" he roared.

"Good grief, Emmett, you don't have to yell; I'm right here." And the voice walked in carrying a pile of new clothing twice as tall as Alice herself. "Dress up!" she sang. "Rosalie, Bella, come help! Serenity's out of her funk!"

What could I do?

I did what anyone in my position would do. I took it day by day. Everyone in the house was so relieved at the end of my catatonic state that Embry was almost revered. My parents didn't like the idea of he and I together, even as friends, but the alternative was not an option.

We went to movies. We ate out. We drove all over the northeast corner of the U.S. He let me talk; he let me brood. In short, he let me do whatever I felt like doing- no questions asked, no expectations expected.

It was June 21th. The weather was turning hot which didn't bother me. What did bother me was that it had been eleven weeks since the accident. For some unexplainable reason, the fact that summer was here ticked me off. I woke up angry that I was warm. It infuriated me that Alice took the shirt I wanted to wear and probably donated it. Dad was wrestling with Jasper outside, and the actuality that they were enjoying themselves created a fury in me. There was nothing to eat, so I cooked eggs even though I'd rather had cereal. I slammed pans in the kitchen gleaning a few raised eyebrows from the undead. Everyone was tip toeing around me as if I were surrounded by broken glass.

I was turning into my mother.

That thought left me cold, which, with a 103 degree average body temperature, was remarkable. I slammed the last pan in the sink and stalked out the door.

Embry was at my side before I left the property wearing nothing but a ragged set of shorts. He had evidently been on wolf duty just moments ago.

"What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing." I answered tersely.

"Geez, I don't play that game, Serenity. What's the problem?"

"Nothing." I echoed.

He grabbed my arm. I yanked back with my vampire strength nearly pulling his arm out of joint.

"Don't touch me."

"Look, if this is some Dr. Jekyll moment, I come back. If it's not, then Talk. To. Me."

"I'm having a bad day, okay? That's it. Just give me some space, Embry."

"You've got the whole forest. Space issue solved. Who are you mad at? What'd I miss?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, great, progress." His sarcasm was even getting on my nerves.

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone."

He followed me for the better part of two miles.

"I'm not leaving you alone. Who knows what you'd do; you're acting crazy."

"You had no problem leaving me alone last time. I don't know what your holdup is now." I kept on walking.

"This is about me?"

I turned to face him, to actually get in his face. Every step I took towards him meant one step he retreated. "It wasn't, but we can make it about you. Maybe if you hadn't left, I wouldn't have gone to Europe. Maybe if you had gone with me like you were supposed to, none of this would have happened. Maybe this is your fault."

He held his ground now. "Maybe it is, but I can't fix any of that. Is this your new stage of grief? First it was 3 weeks of silence, then it was 2 months of moping. You need 1 more month of being pissed off?"

I actually shoved him. He flew at least 25 feet backward into the trees and hit the ground effortlessly. "What do you know about what I need? Have you ever lost anyone? Do you have any idea what it feels like? No. You don't. So shut up and get away from me."

He looked stunned and then anger washed over him in waves. I could see his body start to shudder slightly. It was never a good idea to make a shape-shifter angry, especially when they sprouted razor-sharp teeth. He grabbed my arm with equal force pulling me back towards him. I twisted away, but he had a tight grip around my waist. He pulled me into his space and removed my option of walking away.

"Hell yah, I know what it feels like to lose someone. I lost you. I know that it was my fault, but I couldn't see any way around it at the time. You went off, met someone, and fell in love when you were supposed to be in love with me. It didn't take you long or didn't you notice?"

I yanked my arm out of his grip and responded with equal sarcasm. "I'm so sure you've been waiting for me this whole time," I drawled out. "So I'm supposed to pine away for you while you're here chasing whatever suits you at the moment? How many…"

He crushed his mouth against mine. It wasn't sweet or gentle or anything that I had ever experienced. It was filled with need and urgency. My anger at him didn't subside, instead it fueled my response. My return kiss was equally as demanding. My mind shut down, and our hands moved on their own without thought or intention. Clothing fell away, and whether or not I would have something to wear on my return home never entered my mind. I'd break into a store and steal something if I had to.

Our movements picked up in fervor. This was simply taking what we needed however we could.

I had officially shocked myself back into reality.

A/N: Ok, so some inside information. I had toyed with the idea of making this fic an M rating, but honestly, I'm pretty sure that I suck at writing that type of stuff. I did put a piece together. It's the last scene but written with A LOT more detail.

If you want it, it's on my profile. DO NOT READ if you're not legally an adult. Warning, warning, warning. It is lemony.

Love you all!
Dawn