Anna glanced at the clock and rubbed at her eyes. She squinted at the computer before sighing and pushing away. A short walk around would clear her head.
The Cerulean Swan was dark inside but the windows, done in the stained glass she insisted had to be only shades of blue, leaked the light from outside. Anna frowned and went to check her phone but realized she left it in her office. A noise from the back drew her attention and she turned to see Mrs. Hughes standing there.
"I thought you went home." Anna ducked under the bar, searching in one of the mini fridges for a bottle of water.
"I did. Nine hours ago." Mrs. Hughes folded her arms as Anna unscrewed the cap to her water. "Have you been here since three?"
"If you're asking whether or not I went home, the answer's no, I didn't." Anna sipped at the water, wincing as the cold hit her mouth. "There's a lot to do."
"When was the last time you slept Anna?"
"How many days are we passed Tuesday?"
"Anna," Mrs. Hughes put both hands on the bar, "I don't want to nag since I'm not your mother-"
"Thank whatever gods you believe in for that."
"But this is ridiculous. You haven't spent more than three hours outside this building for the past month."
"What's the problem with that?"
"It's not healthy."
"I'm running a business, Mrs. Hughes." Anna came out from behind the bar. "It needs my care."
"But not your life or your soul." Mrs. Hughes closed her eyes, putting her hands together and bringing them to her mouth before shaking them in Anna's direction, "I think you need to take a vacation."
"And go where, Mrs. Hughes? Do what?"
"Whatever it is you do outside this place."
"I don't do anything outside this place, Mrs. Hughes." Anna nodded to her, "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going back to work."
"Anna when did you last eat?"
"What day did you say it was again?"
Mrs. Hughes crossed her arms over her chest, "Sunday."
"Then I know I nibbled at a cheese cube… yesterday... morning… I think."
"Anna!"
"What do you want from me Mrs. Hughes?" Anna held her arms out, "What do you want me to say?"
"That you're not destroying yourself for this business because it's not worth it." Mrs. Hughes put a hand on her arm, "It's not worth giving up everything that really matters."
"Like what?"
"Like Mr. Bates."
Anna groaned, "I'm not discussing my lack of love life with you, Mrs. Hughes. We're not those kind of friends."
"I'm not saying I want you to gossip with me about your love life but you have a man who cares deeply for you and yet you keep him at arms length like you do everyone else."
"It's better that way."
"Better for whom?" Mrs. Hughes pointed at Anna, "For you? Because you're skin and bones, you're gaunt and flaccid, you snap at everyone with the least provocation and bury yourself in your office."
"So?"
"So you're strangling this company, not helping it." Mrs. Hughes shook her head, "Either you take a vacation, starting now, or we don't open today."
Anna held Mrs. Hughes in a staring contest for another minute but lost. Shaking her head Anna dropped the water bottle in the recycling bin and held up her hands in surrender. "Fine. But only a week."
"It's more than enough."
Anna collected her things and drove home, squinting in the sunlight. Though she would never admit it to Mrs. Hughes she had not seen real daylight in weeks. Even catching a view of herself in the mirror had Anna doing a double-take because she barely recognized the woman staring back. Sunken cheeks and eyes, skin and bones, with a watery gaze to match the flat and lifeless hair hanging around her. Barely managing the essentials like a shower or food were all Anna did besides work and her body showed it.
Maybe that was why she unconsciously avoided mirrors.
The girl at the desk- Edith? Edna? Etta? Whatever- said something but Anna did not hear… or even care to listen frankly.
The elevator ride to her apartment passed in a similar haze. For a second Anna remembered being kissed in the corner but her mind moved past it. Just like the inside of her apartment almost felt too foreign to her. Like a stranger had happier times being taken over the edge on her island. Or an alternate version of herself had sex in her bed once with a man she loved.
Or thought she did.
Anna showered and dragged a blanket to her couch. She slept in her office lately and only came home for the shower. A layer of dust blew over the countertops and her television but Anna paid it no mind. She bundled herself into the blanket, after drawing the curtains on her sitting room, and lay on the couch.
Within moments her eyes fluttered, drooping in the quiet. Not a comfortable quiet of a home that offers refuge but the kind of quiet an abandoned house or a museum has. In the last thoughts before Anna finally let her body rest, the basic needs taking over her mental marathon, she wondered if there were live people who felt more like exhibits than actually human beings.
She wondered if there was anyone else like her.
In the foggy distance something clicked. Anna dug her way out of the blanket and pushed her hair from her face to squint across her sitting room. For a moment she thought maybe her dream had bled into reality but there it was again, that clicking noise. She sat up, swaying a bit, and pushed herself to stand as the front door opened.
Anna blinked and stood face-to-face with John. She held up a finger, pointing at him as she struggled past the sluggish synapses in her brain to form words. "You can't be here."
"Mary told me I should come because Mrs. Hughes finally got you out of the Cerulean." John twisted to point at the door before holding up a key, his other arm balancing a number of bags. "She gave me a key."
"No," Anna shook her head, running her hands through her hair, "This is an elaborate dream. Like one from Inception where you think you're awake but you're really just dreaming. This is that. You're not here, you're a figment of my imagination."
"No dream, just me. Can I?" John squeezed past her to put the bags on the counter, pulling items to tuck into her refrigerator.
"Why are you here, John?"
He paused, carton of milk in one hand and a package of biscuits in the other. "To make sure you eat, Anna."
She crossed her arms over her chest, pulling up the edge of her jumper as it fell off her shoulder, "Who said I wasn't eating?"
"Mrs. Hughes, when she called me."
"Why'd she call you?"
"Because…" John closed the refrigerator and came around the island to take Anna's hand. "She thought I should know what happened so she told me about your parents dropping by to visit."
"Then she was wrong," Anna jerked out of his grip, "It wasn't her story to tell because it's not your concern."
"It wasn't like I gave her a choice, Anna." John put a hand to his hip, "I came by the Cerulean today, delivering the order-"
"Is it Monday?" Anna dug around the blanket on the couch to find her phone. She checked it right before the battery died. "I can't be here."
"Anna you're supposed to be taking a break."
"To do what?" Anna threw her arms into the air, "To sit around on my ass for a week doing nothing?"
"To recover. To maybe sleep a little so you're body doesn't give out. To eat, for crying out loud." John swept his arms toward the bags. "Your fridge is empty and I know you haven't eaten at the Cerulean because the only thing in your bin there were water bottles."
"You went through my office?"
"Mrs. Hughes showed it to me and told me I was the only one who could talk to you." John tried to approach Anna but she stepped back, holding up her hands, "I guess she was mistaken."
"Yes, she was." Anna folded her arms again, her chest constricting painfully. "Leave John."
"Why?"
"It doesn't matter why. Just leave." Anna stared him in the eye, "I don't need you here and I'm not going to be here myself in a minute. I need to get back to work and-"
"And do what Anna? Pour over perfect spreadsheets? Hassle your kitchen staff? Harry your DJ? What else is there to do, Anna?"
Anna swallowed, clenching her jaw without answering. "You've driven most of them half mad because you're looking for ways to bury yourself in your work but you've done such a fantastic job there's nothing else for you to do."
"I'll take the compliment."
"It wasn't a compliment Anna."
"I'll take it bloody anyway." Anna paced her sitting room, yanking her falling jumper back into place before ripping it over her head and throwing it on the couch. She rubbed at her exposed arms, the vest insufficient since she had not even turned on her heating. Anna took some deep breaths and turned to John, "What do you want John?"
"To be here for you, Anna." John made as if to step forward but stopped himself. "When I told you I loved you, that I wouldn't leave you, those weren't just words to me."
"They've been words to other people."
"I'm not other people."
"Obviously. Other people would've left when I asked them to."
"If you want to be alone," John held up his hands, "Then fine. But don't you dare sit here, wallowing in your misery, and blame everyone else for why you're so unhappy."
"Blame? Blame!" Anna picked up the stack of magazines she subscribed to but never read and threw them across the room. The thicker ones struck her television, sending it wobbling on its stand, while the others fluttered. "They hurt me!"
"I'm not saying they didn't, Anna, but it's in the past. You're drinking poison and hoping they get sick. You can't let it ruin you forever. They win every day you let it destroy you all over again." John moved toward her but Anna flipped her coffee table. It hit the TV stand and the television crashed to the floor. "Anna stop or you'll hurt yourself."
But Anna could not hear him. She tore through her sitting room, throwing her decorative pictures frames with the stock photos still inside across the room and send the lamp spinning. John only just caught it as Anna knocked all the books off her small bookshelf before turning it to the floor. The blanket ripped from the couch and Anna hurled her phone across the room to hit the fridge and crack on the stainless steel.
Heaving in breaths, Anna fell to the floor in the middle of the chaos and tried to breathe normally. That was when the tears came. Not the wracking sobs she had in her office but deep, soul-cleansing tears as she finally let it all go.
Arms wrapped around her and Anna leaned into John's embrace. He ran his hand over her back, speaking softly so she could not hear him over her tears. But she did not need to hear him. The sound of his voice, rumbling from his protective chest, lulled her to continue crying as he rocked her.
When her tears were all gone, and her face was a sticky mess, she tried to push away. John held her close, standing with her in his arms as he carried her to the bathroom. She was at his mercy as he stripped her clothes and turned on the water. When steam leaked from the showerhead he helped her into the shower and left her there.
When the water spurted cold at her Anna turned the shower off. Pushing back the curtain there he was. He wrapped a warm towel around her and dried her hair as carefully as he could before brushing it out. He removed the towel and helped her into pajamas before escorting her down the hall to her bedroom. Without a word he pulled the covers down and helped her get comfortable.
Anna took deep breaths, her eyes struggling to stay open. A brush of fingers on her forehead had John moving the hair from her eyes before stepped toward the door. She lifted herself on weak limbs and called out to him.
"Wait," John turned in the doorway and Anna clutched at the duvet, "Please don't leave."
John slipped off his shoes and walked back over to the bed. He moved behind her, on top of the duvet, and Anna crawled to get closer to him. She reached to pull his arm around her and rested her head on his chest.
Once again his hand rubbed up and down her back, muttering to her so low she could not hear. The cadence of his voice, combine with the soothing motions of his hands, and her own exhaustion tipped Anna's eyes closed. The last thing she did, before all consciousness was lost to her, was move her arm around him. As sleep took her again Anna rested peacefully while holding him as close as she could.
Anna opened her eyes and saw no one there. She sat up in bed, looking around for signs of John but there were none. Throwing herself back on her pillows a moment Anna wanted to berate herself.
"You were so tired you hallucinated. Nice job, Anna, giving yourself a mirage of your ex-boyfriend." She muttered before working herself out of bed, stumbling along the hallway to the bathroom.
Before she could reach the door she heard the sound of her vacuum running. Anna stopped, frowning to herself, and walked to see her sitting room. There, using the stick extension, John maneuvered under the TV stand to get any last bits of broken glass sucked safely into the vacuum.
She watched him, gawking from her position in the doorway. He finished and turned off the machine. As John turned he almost dropped the wand but caught it just in time. He rested it on the corrected coffee table, fixed the artistic placement of the magazines, and tried to smile.
"Sorry, I thought you could use the rest and that maybe you'd like this place all cleaned up." John pointed to the door, "I'll just-"
Anna strode toward him, wrapping her arms around his waist, and clung there. His hands did not move as quickly to enfold her and while part of Anna bemoaned it she knew why. She hid in her corner, lashed out at him, and chased him away every time he got close. Now he was hiding a little of himself. If possible she pulled tighter.
He put a hand on her shoulder and pushed back a minute, "Anna, we need to talk."
Anna nodded and took a seat in the chair as he sat on the edge of the couch. She pulled her legs to her chest, holding tightly as John ran a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath and looked Anna in the eye.
"I can't pretend to have any idea what you've been through. I won't do either of us the disservice to try. But I do know a few things." Anna nodded and John continued. "I know that I love you. More than I've loved anyone or anything. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no holds barred."
"But?"
"But," John conceded, "Whenever we get close you shut me out. Whenever something happens you push me away. You've convinced yourself I'm not here for the long haul when I am. I'm here for you, Anna. That means I see your happiness and your tears. I'm not just here to buy you roses and biscuits but also vegetables and milk if you need it."
"I know," Anna cleared her throat, her voice too small. "I know you are."
"Then please Anna," John reached across the space between then, taking her hand and this time she did not move away. "Stop shutting me out. I'm not here to rush you. I don't want you to tell me everything you're feeling right this moment but I thought that night when you told me everything you trusted me."
"I do. John I-"
"You don't, Anna." John interrupted her, sending Anna to surprised silence by the force of his words. He sighed, "You don't, Anna. What you told me that night wasn't about you being open with me. It was a resume. You were telling me how much you'd overcome on your own. You were showing me your attack side, like a swan protecting its nest because you've had to. You fooled me, and I suspect yourself, when you used what you'd been through as your armor instead of your vulnerability."
Anna nodded, brushing at the tears that gathered at the edges of her eyes. John stroked over the back of her hand. "You don't need that armor with me Anna. You don't need to pretend with me."
"Where does that leave us?" Anna stared at John, the tears tracking down both of their cheeks.
"Together, I hope." John kissed the back of her hand in his grip. "I want us to fight this together Anna. I want you to trust me to be there for you when you cry, when you rage, and when you're unbelievably happy. I want you to feel like you can trust me with anything. With confronting your rapist again or seeing your parents or even managing your housecleaning."
Anna laughed and John joined her, "I'm here for you, Anna."
"I want you to be."
"Then let me." John slid to the floor in front of Anna, "Let me be there for you Anna. Let me love you forever and I promise I won't spend a day that's not devoted to your happiness."
"On one condition," Anna held his face in hers, her thumbs brushing over his cheekbones, "That you'll let me do the same?"
"Of course."
Anna slid to the floor and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him to her. They stayed like that for another minute until John grunted. Anna moved back as John winced.
"Sorry, it's just, you're floors are wood and my knees aren't all that great with that kind of exposure for long term."
Anna helped haul him to his feet, "Then I don't plan for you to be down there for long."
"Perfect," John moved his hands to her waist and Anna shivered. "Because there's somewhere else I'd like to take you where I can go down on you in comfort."
"Please do."