A/N: I'm not entirely positive if I need to say this but just in case, there may be a trigger warning in this chapter!
Anyway, here it finally is! One of you already guessed what happened in a review so i'm sorry to say that you were right. Also sorry for the plot twist, but it needed to happen for where I want this story to go! Again, all reviews are greatly appreciated (I seriously smile like an idiot every time I read one) and don't be afraid to say what you like, and don't like!
Tegan's POV
When Sara called me earlier to see if I could come over because Emy was gone, I thought she meant they broke up and I was finally getting what I came for. I showered and dressed as fast as I could before calling a cab and going straight to her house.
I bounce from foot to foot while waiting for her to open her door and finally be able to kiss her after her being dangled in front of my face like some kind of toy only to be ripped away when I get close to snatching her for so long.
"Hey." Sara opens the door with a smile on her face, but her eyes looked tired and anxious.
"Hi there." I reply back with an even bigger smile, following her into the living room. "So Emy's really gone?"
"Yeah, she has a night class on Wednesdays so she won't be back until after 9."
"Night class? You guys didn't break up?" My face falls in disappointment.
"No.." She says, giving me a weird look. "Why would you think that?"
"I thought that's what you meant when you said she was gone." I fidget with the hem of my shirt, avoiding her eyes while trying to hold back the tears wanting to spill after knowing she's not mine and I can't kiss her.
"Oh, no.. I just know you'd rather hang out with me when she's not around and," she gently grabs my chin, turning my face towards her. She searches my eyes and lifts her eyebrows before continuing, "there's something I wanted to tell you."
"What?" I ask quietly, unable to stop my brain from thinking there's still hope.
"Something you've been wanting to know for a long time... " She trails off, waiting for me to understand what it is she's about to tell me.
"Oh." I say. I want to be happy that she's finally telling me, especially since she's doing it with out any pressure from me, but I know whatever it is she will say is going to hurt.
"I think you should sit down." She tells me.
I plop down on the couch and look up at her. It feels like she's so much bigger than I am, towering over me, and it makes me even more nervous.
"I was raped. It happened that night, after the lecture." She says says so stoically for a moment I think she's just messing with me. I'm about to call her out on it, but I know Sara and I know she wouldn't joke around with something like that.
"Oh my god..." The words manage to tumble out of my mouth before she continues.
"I was walking home and three guys ran up to me, calling my name. I stopped and turned around, thinking they were at the lecture and wanted to ask me a question or something. When they finally approached me, they started asking me questions about you.. and me. Apparently one of they guys lived in the building next door and saw us multiple times being intimate through his window. I was defenseless and kept backing up, unknowingly backing myself into an alley. They kept telling me how much of a sinner I was and that I was going to go to Hell for being in love and fucking my own sister, but that I could be saved; with their help. I obviously knew by then what they were planning to do and tried to run, but of course I wasn't going to get very far with my short legs and three large men in my way. So one of them grabbed me and dragged me further into the alley, holding me still and with one hand covering my mouth to muffle my screams. Another stood guard by the entrance of the alley while the last one tore my pants down and raped me. They all took turns, with no protection, and ...finishing off inside me. When they were done they just left me there and told me to watch my back and to warn you that if they saw you alone, you would get the same treatment."
My lungs feel as if they've collapsed, and there's no oxygen left in the room for me to inhale. How on earth could this have happened without me knowing? And how on earth is she being so calm about this?
"Sara... I... Did you tell anyone? Do you know who they were?" I force myself to stand up, feeling nauseous as I do so, and ask through muddled cries. I need to know who these disgusting pigs are so I can hunt them down, kill them, bring them back to life, and kill them again for doing something so inhuman to the one I love.
"Let me finish." She puts a hand up sternly to silence me but shakes her head no, answering my questions. "I limped the rest of the way home, positive blood was staining the inside of my jeans. I was hoping you would have been awake when I finally made it home. You would have seen me in that state and there would have been no way I could have kept from telling you right then, but I found you in my bed, already passed out. By morning my hatred towards those guys had turned to you. You should have been there, you would have been able to protect me, us, from that nightmare. But you weren't and just blew off the whole situation like it was nothing in the morning when I brought it up. It felt like you had failed me and a sick part of me wished that those same guys would corner you one night. I wasn't the only one a part of our relationship and I didn't see why I was the only getting punished. It wasn't fair. Almost a week later when I realized I had missed my period, I went out and bought a pregnancy test to see if life wanted to kick me even more while I was down. Well it did, and it came back positive."
"You have a kid?!" I ask in disbelief and look towards the staircase, wondering if there's a small toddler, a mini Sara, up there napping or playing quietly with toys.
"No. Anyway.. I decided then that I had to leave. I was still upset with you and there was no way I could tell you I was pregnant so I gave you other reasons as to why I had to go, which were true, but really had very little influence on my final choice. So I came here, sat in a hotel for a week crying and trying to figure out what to do with this baby. I couldn't raise a kid on my own, I didn't want to, and I couldn't live knowing I had a kid and it was being raised by people I didn't know so that left me with only one option; abortion. It took me awhile to get over it and pick up the pieces of my shattered life. It took me even longer to realize that it wasn't your fault and that I needed you back in my life but I felt it was too late and then before I knew it, three years had flown by and I hadn't talked to you in so long and I had a girlfriend staying at my house all the time and it was just so much that was happening I didn't know how to deal." She pauses, and wipes one small tear away before continuing. "I don't know what I was expecting when I asked Mum to try to get you to see me, but I was hoping something would shift and we would just be okay, and not have to work towards a relationship. I thought that you would have moved on and found someone, but that wasn't what I saw when you came walking down Mum's block. I felt awful on the inside, I still do. It was me who asked you out and started our relationship. It was me that always left the blinds in our apartment open and always wanting to have sex not in the privacy of our bedrooms. It was me that ended us, and left. You were so perfect Tegan, and I ruined your life."
I can't even begin to wrap my head around everything Sara has just told me. What would have happened if she had told me? Or kept the baby? She wouldn't have been able to raise a child by herself, or even with my help. And the thought of what she would have gone through with Mum over the situation.. that would have been a disaster.
Not to mention the stab in my heart I feel hearing Sara say she thinks ruined my life. She has no idea just how much she saved me by being the brave one and confronting our feelings for each other when we were teenagers. The thought that Sara could ever think such such terrible things and knowing she had to go through this alone makes me sick to my stomach.
"I feel sick. I need air." I gasp. Sweat is starting to build on my forehead and i'm certain a full blown panic attack is going to set in any second. She finally starts to show emotion when I fight my way around her and towards the front door.
"Where are you going?!" She cries, racing after me out the door, and tugging on my shirt sleeve.
"I need air! I need to breathe, Sara!" I wail, tearing away from her grasp.
When I make it outside onto the front porch, I lurch forward, hands on my knees, and start dry heaving. I can't breathe between the violent gags, and I feel like I now understand what Sara goes through when she has an asthma attack, and how frightening it is.
"Tegan, you have to calm down." She stands next to me, rubbing soothing circles on my back but they have little affect. "I'm over it now though, so to speak, but we still need to talk about it."
"I need to process this, okay? Just give me a couple minutes." I mumble tiredly.
She nods, expecting me to sit on one of the wooden chairs on her porch but I take off down the small staircase and onto the sidewalk, hoping to run the shock out of my system and to clear my head a little. I have every intention of returning, I couldn't just leave Sara after she dropped that bomb on me but it wouldn't do me any good standing on the porch in her presence.
"TEGAN! Don't run from me when I need you!" Sara calls from behind me, desperately trying to catch up, and thinking that i'm running from the situation and won't return.
Ignoring her, I turn to run across the street, looking to my left then my right but through my bleary eyes I don't see the car coming at me on my left without its lights on. I hear the blaring horn and screeching tires, the smell of the burning rubber stinging my nostrils and then the impact of the car colliding with my tiny frame.
I hear the sounds of doors opening and slamming shut, hurried footsteps, and a blood curdling scream that could only belong to Sara. Everything hurts, but I force myself to open my eyes when I feel someone squeeze my hand. Sara's hovering over me, her warm tears splashing onto my face, trying to check if there's any life in my eyes. I try to squeeze her hand to reassure her but my forearm is on fire with the most burning pain i've ever experienced.
"Tegan? Can you hear me?" Sara sobs, brushing my hair out of my face. Even that small touch makes me wince in pain. I can see the crimson blood on her fingertips when she pulls her hand away. She stares at her fingers, her face getting so pale it's almost translucent.
"Sara.." I breathe. "It.. hurts.."
"I know baby, I know. But you'll be okay, I promise. We're getting you help." She soothes, never letting go of my hand.
I hear the footsteps of another person fast approaching and see that it's Emy, already on her phone and telling someone we need an ambulance before she even knows what's fully happened.
I open my mouth to speak, a quiet whimper involuntarily escaping and Sara urges me to not talk but I need to say something. I need to say something about what she just told me in case I don't wake up after I lose consciousness.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that happened and that I wasn't there for you. I let you down and I don't ever deserve you. I'm sorry." I choke out, my breathes getting shorter as the air gets harder to breathe and everything goes black.