October 27, 2008

I don't think I have ever felt so numb to everything. Emotions, especially. It almost scares me, and I completely understand Phil not being around much, at this point. I really do…

They keep sending me through tests. More and more tests, to monitor my brain activity and such. It's become a routine now to do this every other day. Apparently, the President requested it. He said that if I don't normalize, I will be held in custody. I suppose it isn't all that bad. I have my cards and my skylight. I have my journal… But I miss being hugged. Phil used to hug me every time he came to visit, but I won't let him now. I'm scared for him, what if he touches me and I lash out on him too? I guess that's another reason he isn't around so much; I keep pushing him away.

Phil just came in.

I didn't want to leave today's entry at that. I knew I should write more, but me and Phil talked for a long time and it's really late now. He's staying here tonight as my sleeping patterns are being monitored too and he wanted to be present. Of course, like always, he is enthused to watch me write the last bits of my journal entry. He always has me share what I wrote with him: he says it's a protocol he has to go through to make sure I'm not planning some escape, but he knows I wouldn't, so I think it's more of he just likes to know what's going on in my head so h can help me. He's really good like that.

Anyways, we talked about a lot of things. He helped me work out some issues of my own, and we discussed my dreams and my numbness lately. He said that if this progresses and stays like this, he might see about getting a actual therapist to come see me. I told him I'd rather have him talk to me tan someone I didn't know, and he understood. He said that he'll try to make a better effort to visit me, but things have been hectic in S.H.I.E.L.D. lately. I guess I wasn't really pushing him away after all.

I think I might try to sleep now as Phil is insisting to 'tuck' me into bed. I still haven't been sleeping well lately, but wit him here to monitor this test, I think I actually might get normal sleep.

The retrial is a couple days before Halloween. Not sure how well that will go, but I hope it goes better than the last time. This time, I'll be kept in a glass box, apparently.

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