A Way With Words

by ByeByeBirdie

This is a story about a boy entering into his final year at Hogwarts, determined to make it his best yet. A boy who lived and breathed Quidditch and craved that elusive Quidditch Cup more than anything. A boy who only ever wanted to find his place in the world and had to go through a lot of twists and turns to get there. This is the story of James Sirius Potter.

13. Underneath the Tree

A/N: All of you who worried I was abandoning this fic, never fear, the story lives on! I wasn't 100% happy about this chapter so I reworked it a few times and then had to step away from it for a few days before coming back. That's the only reason it took longer than usual.

Warning: there is some serious M material (translation: sex scene) at the end of this chapter.

---

A WAY WITH WORDS

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 13: Underneath the Tree

"I'm gonna hold you close
Make sure that you know
I was lost before you
Christmas was cold and grey
Another holiday alone to celebrate
But then one day everything changed
You're all I need underneath the tree."
-Kelly Clarkson

---

It was just after midnight when Alice and I made our way back to the house. Based on the lack of noise, I assumed that the family and friends had all returned to their own homes for the evening which had me letting out a huge sigh of relief. I just wanted to slip upstairs unnoticed, crawl into my bed, and stay there until the holidays were over and I could return to Hogwarts under the pretense that last night never happened.

I expected Alice to head towards the fireplaces to floo home or at least apparate, but she didn't. As I ventured towards the stairwell, she followed me. When I gazed at her in confusion, she smiled and shrugged as if to say 'what, you thought I was leaving you tonight?'

We piled into my room and both fell on to the bed with yawns. I was still wearing my dress robes and she was wearing her stunning red dress that in my opinion showed a bit too much cleavage but she looked beautiful nonetheless.

"I need to change," I murmured, laying my head back against my pillow.

"So do I," she pointed out, her eyes fluttering closed beside me.

Neither of us moved.

We both lay there, neither moving for quite some time. I glanced over at Alice at one point who was curled up in a ball, so still and peaceful, and I knew she had fallen asleep. I pulled the covers over her and glanced up at the ceiling, knowing that there was a good chance sleep would never come for me.

I don't know how long I had been awake for but as the eerie quiet trickled in and I soon couldn't stand the sound of the voices in my head, I found myself slowly climbing out of bed and tiptoeing towards the door. I headed towards the stairwell, debating between a glass of water or a beer, but I froze when I heard my parents' voices in their bedroom at the end of the hall.

"He's back. I think Alice is with him," my mother was saying.

"Mm."

There was a long pause before my mother spoke again. "He didn't mean it, Harry."

My father said nothing.

"He didn't mean it," she urged again.

"My own son hates me, Ginny," my father finally spoke, the words soft against his tongue. "I've failed as a father."

I had never heard such disparaging words from my father before. He was always the essence of strong-willed and confident but now as he spoke, his voice seemed weary and desperate.

When I realized that I had caused that I felt a slight bit of guilt well up inside of me.

"You didn't fail as anything, Harry," Mum whispered. "He's a teenager. A rebellious one at that. They all claim to hate their parents at one point but it doesn't mean they believe it."

"The thing is, Ginny," he murmured, "Is that I think James does believe it."

"He doesn't," she argued and I could practically hear the tears in her voice. "He's just a confused, tortured boy who directs a lot of his anger at us because we're an easy target."

"There's no 'us' about it," my father argued. "It's me he can't stand. He gets along with you just fine. And I don't know why."

"Harry-"

"And this isn't just typical teenage rebellion," he continued. "This started far before he became a teenager. He was always such a happy kid and then we went off to Hogwarts and returned for the holidays a completely different person, withdrawn and spiteful and troubled. And to this day I don't know what happened. I don't know what changed him. And it kills me not knowing. Because maybe if I knew, I could fix it. Maybe if I knew, I could change it. But I can't because he stopped letting me in six years ago and at some point, I just let it happen."

There was a tormented sadness in his voice that sent a jolt of shame through my veins knowing that as much as I had blamed my father for our very obvious fall-out, a part of me was to blame, too, for I never bothered to talk to my father about all that I had felt over the years. I had believed ignoring my feelings and ignoring him was the best way for me to just forget about all of it but all it did was build a steel wall around my heart and a pit of repressed emotions in my soul.

"You could try talking to him," my mother suggested.

My father let out a snort. "He doesn't want to talk to me. I think he's made that pretty clear."

"But do you want to talk to him?"

I froze then, desperate to know the answer to that question.

It took him a long time to respond. "You heard him, Ginny," he spoke softly. "He wishes I wasn't his father. So if all talking to him is going to do is provide me with even further confirmation that my own son hates me, maybe I'm better off not talking to him at all."

I don't know why I felt so let down all of a sudden. I had never done much to try and repair my relationship with my father nor was I ever sure I wanted to or needed to but now I had proof that he apparently resented me just as much as I resented him.

Whatever my relationship with my father was, it was clearly unsalvageable.

And for the first time in years, I actually felt troubled by that.

"Harry-"

"It's late, Ginny. Let's go to bed."

"But, Harry, you can't just leave it-"

"I can and I will," he spoke firmly. "Good night."

I stood there for a long time dissecting my father's words, wondering what any of them meant. He sounded just as confused and hurt as I felt about our relationship but then managed to remind me that he didn't care enough about me to even want to fix or change the way things were. I knew a huge part of me was to blame for that. I hated him for giving up on me but I gave up first. I always blamed him for pulling away but I pulled away first. I resented him for not caring but I had stopped caring, too. I hated that he kept his distance but I kept my distance just as much as he did.

So what did that mean? Were we both at fault? Could all the blame I put on my father be put on me, too?

Forget the water. I definitely needed that beer.

XOXOXO

---

The beer didn't give me the answers I was hoping for so I was forced to recycle the empty bottle and head back upstairs. As I veered through the foyer, I glanced towards the grandfather clock in the corner and was surprised to see that it was three in the morning. In just a few hours, my house would be bombarded with Weasleys again as we all exchanged gifts and pretended as if the night before didn't happen. It was not something I was looking forward to.

I tiptoed back into my bedroom and found myself smiling gratefully at Alice's sleeping figure in the corner of my bed. I dropped down on to the bed and let my head hit my pillow with a sigh as I glanced back up towards the ceiling and waited for the sun to rise.

At some point I felt Alice stir beside me. She turned over and peered at me, offering me a smile when she realized I was awake. "What time is it?" she whispered as if she feared she could wake up someone in the neighboring rooms.

"Probably four by now," I responded with a shrug.

She nodded. "Can't sleep?"

I shook my head. I opened my mouth to tell her of the conversation I overheard but I barely understood it myself so I couldn't be sure how to explain it to her.

"Hey," I said, a sudden realization hitting me. "It's Christmas."

Her eyes lit up and she smiled at me. "Merry Christmas, James."

I reached over and snuck my arm underneath her, pulling her towards me. She nestled into my shoulder with a smile. "Merry Christmas, Ace."

Her blue eyes stared up at me. "You know what this calls for?"

"Firewhisky?"

She laughed, elbowing me in the side. "No," she teased and she abruptly sat up with a smirk I liked not one bit. "We are so dancing it out to Christmas carols."

I sighed and shook my head. "We'll wake up the whole house."

"So let's wake up the whole house," she said, scooting off the bed and wandering over to my radio. She switched the dial on and started flipping through stations before it landed on "Jingle Bell Rock."

Her eyes lit up and she turned around with a wicked grin.

"No," I said, shaking my head.

"Yes," she said and she began to sing along. "'Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time. Dancing and prancing in jingle bell square in the frosty air!'"

"What the hell is a jingle bell square?" I questioned.

Her hips swayed as she made her way over to my bed. "'What a bright time, it's the time right, to rock the night away.'"

"Not the right time. Nope. Not buying it."

"'Jingle bell time is a swell time,'" she continued, pulling herself up on to my bed before proceeding to jump on it. "'To go riding in a one-horse sleigh.' Dammit, James, get up off your arse and join me."

"Nah, I'm good."

She smacked me in the back of the head.

"Uh, ouch?"

"Get up," she urged. "'Giddy up, jingle horse pick up your feet!'"

"Does that make me the jingle horse?"

"Yes," she laughed, practically shoving me off the bed. I stumbled off the bed with a groan but as looked at her goofy smile and the way her eyes lit up and I couldn't help but notice that she was still wearing that stunning red dress, I found myself unable to say no.

And so despite everything inside of me telling me that dancing it out wasn't going to change anything, I jumped on to the bed with her and joined in.

"'Mix and a mingle in a jinglin' beat, that's the jingle bell rock!'"

"What is going on in here?"

She and I froze and turned towards the door where a groggy Lily stood there with her arms on her hips.

Based on the glare in her eyes, she was still angry with me. Which was fine because I was still angry with her. "Gee, sorry, did we wake you?" I drawled dryly.

Her eyes narrowed at me. "Did you wake me with your ridiculously loud and offkey singing that sounds something like a hippogriff getting caught in a lawn mower? What do you think?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'd say sorry but I'm not really all that sorry."

Alice winced beside me as a glare etched into my sister's face. "Just try to keep it down with your stupid dancing traditions so that some of us can get some actual sleep?"

And with that, she stormed out and slammed the door behind her.

I glanced over at Alice with a shrug. "Guess that answers the question as to whether she's still peeved at me."

Alice looked at me with a hesitant smile. "Seems to me you're still a little peeved with her, too."

I frowned. "Not about the CJ thing if that's what you're wondering, though I'm not terribly pleased over that either."

She nodded. "I know," she spoke softly, knowing full wlel it was my sister's accusations of my sex life that I found the most off-putting. But since there wasn't much more we could discuss on the subject, she said, "Something tells me this calls for more dancing."

I met her hopeful gaze and nodded. "Something tells me you're right."

"Jingle Bell Rock" came to an end but "Let it Snow" came on so while Alice turned down the volume a tad, we continued to look like fools on my bed. And then "Santa Baby" followed by "Here Comes Santa Claus." We eventually tired out so we fell back against my pillow in a fit of giggles but we continued to sing along until the light began to peek through the windows and morning was screaming for our attention.

"I guess it had to end at some point," I said when the song changed to "In The Bleak Midwinter" while Alice and I watched the shades of pink and orange stream through my window.

Alice nodded, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "Why does that never get old?"

I shrugged. "Some traditions are worth carrying on no matter how silly they may seem."

She seemed to like that answer because she glanced towards me with a genuine smile. "Yeah," she said softly, "I guess they are."

I took a peek at the watch on my wrist, a pit forming in my stomach when I discovered it was just after seven in the morning. Another hour or so and I'd be forced downstairs with the rest of the family.

I thought back to the night before, wondering if anyone would comment on any of our actions or if we'd all force ourselves to attempt to have a nice Christmas. We were a temper-filled, argumentative group but last night had hit a rather high peak of awkwardness that I had a very strong suspicion anyone who dared mention what went down between Rose, Scorpius, and Albus or Lily, CJ, and Hugo or my father and me would get a rather large arse-whooping from my grandmother.

"Can I ask you something?" I found myself saying to Alice.

"Yeah."

My lips pursed before blurting out, "Why were you so mad at me over the whole thing with Hattie?"

I saw her blink in surprise, her eyes not straying from the windowpanes. "I blame the champagne," she said, but there was a strain in her voice that told me she wasn't being fully truthful.

"Alice," I spoke softly.

She glanced towards me hesitantly. "I can't recall the last time you called me Alice."

"I only use it on you when I'm either mad or I know you're hiding something."

There was a flicker of shame in her eyes before she turned away once again. This time, her eyes turned towards the wall of memorabilia that includes some of her paintings and sketches. "I don't know why I blew up like I did," she murmured. "It just took me by surprise. It's not like I have all that many conversations with Hattie and then she was talking to me about something incredibly personal and I just…it threw me. That's all."

I wasn't sure if I entirely believed her. "Fred seems to think you were jealous."

She jerked her head towards me sharply. "Of what?"

"I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me."

Her brow furrowed. "There was nothing to be jealous of," she assured me, though her words seemed wary.

I let up a shrug. "So then why were you questioning my relationship status with her?"

She paused before saying, "Because I don't think you're questioning it enough."

"Why do you say that?" I argued. "Why are you and everyone else so convinced I should up and date Hattie when I don't want to?"

She frowned, her eyes meeting mine with hesitation. "Because maybe you do want to," she spoke softly. "You just don't know how to want it."

My eyes darkened slightly. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

She shook her head as if to tell me not to be angry. "It means you've done a damned good job at refusing to let yourself get close to anyone," she explained. "So good that maybe you aren't willing to see what's right in front of you."

I hesitated. "It's not like that," I eventually said. "We're not like that."

Alice hesitated. "But maybe you could be."

"I like things the way they are," I spoke with an air of desperation.

"I'm not saying you don't," she spoke softly. "But it's also okay for you to want something more."

I opened my mouth to argue but stopped short, pondering her words carefully. In a way, she was right. It was something Dad pointed out to Mum earlier that morning, too. I had never let myself open up to people, my fear of vulnerability too great to even consider the option. I kept myself at a distance from most people because that was easier than feeling something. I stopped listening to my heart a long time ago, knowing that it was too fragile to do any proper talking. I had gotten hurt once. I had been blind-sided once. I had felt the utmost betrayal once. From my own father. I didn't want to give anyone else the chance to do it again.

So did I refuse to see Hattie as anything more than some shag buddy because I didn't want to see her as anything more? Or because I was afraid to?

I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to find out the answer.

"Shit," I realized, "I never even said goodbye to her last night."

"She knew you were dealing with a lot. I don't think she felt slighted that you didn't say goodbye," Alice said. "She told Fred to tell you she'd write to you in a few days."

"I should really be the one to write to her," I murmured. "Apologize on behalf of my crazy family."

Alice shrugged before a giggle slipped out, followed by a chuckle, and then she was outright laughing.

"Oy, what's so funny?" I asked, poking her in the rib.

She swatted me away, still laughing. "Remember when I said last night that your family wasn't that crazy?"

I thought back to earlier in the evening and nodded. "Yeah?"

"Well, I take it back."

I looked at her and then burst out into laughter, grateful that the ache that had been in my chest the night before had managed to disappear, something I knew I could thank Alice for.

Alice continued. "I just have to imagine that when you invited Hattie to your Christmas Eve party, you were hoping to share a few cocktails, sing a few carols, eat some good food, enjoy some fun company, maybe share a kiss or two, and then you'd go your separate ways and comment on what a fun evening it was. Instead, you gave her a front-row ticket to the Peasley insanity show!"

I pouted before I found myself joining in with her laughter. "Her family must look really good to her now!"

Alice didn't exactly know what I was referring to but she laughed anyway. "Next year, buy her a card and be done with it."

"Are you kidding? Next year I'm sending her to Australia where she'll be safe, far away from this loony bin!"

More laughter until she had tears in her eyes and my sides were hurting.

Eventually, it died down and Alice turned to me to say, "I should be heading home. It is Christmas after all."

I made a face before nodding. "I'll see you later though?" We always exchanged gifts on Christmas afternoon, stealing ourselves away from our families for an hour or so.

She nodded, ruffling my hair before climbing out of bed. Glancing down at her dress, she smirked. "I look like I'm doing the walk of shame."

"You should be so lucky. Most girls would die to do the walk of shame from my place."

That earned me a well-deserved pillow to the face.

XOXOXO

---

Fred sought me out the moment his family arrived at our home for Christmas morning. I was hiding in my room, waiting until the last possible second to join the group downstairs when I felt the presence at the door.

Glancing up, I met Fred's curious gaze. "Hey," I murmured warily.

He nodded. "So," he spoke awkwardly, "Last night didn't exactly go as planned, hm?"

I shook my head. "Nope," I grumbled.

Hesitation flickered in his gaze before he spoke next. "Did you mean it?"

I didn't have to ask what he was referring to. I just wasn't sure how to respond. "I don't know," I said with a sigh.

He frowned but before he could question me further, I hastily said, "And I'd rather not talk about it. I've spent too much time as it is just thinking about it."

That seemed to surprised Fred. "You've actually been thinking about it?"

I wasn't surprised by the question. It wasn't like me to give my father a second thought, much less a third and a fourth and a fifth one. "Yeah," I muttered. "So like I said, I don't want to talk about it.

He seemed to be okay with not talking about it as he offered me an understanding shrug. "Okay, how about we talk about all the ways we are going to make Malfoy and Wood's lives miserable?"

I forced out a chuckle as we spent the next few minutes bouncing ideas off of one another until Albus came upstairs and said everyone had arrived and our presence was being requested.

And so the entire family gathered in the living room, small plates with pastries and a handful of mimosas strewn about. I had managed to avoid any type of lecture from my own parents or any of my relatives so far, so I chalked that up to a win. Who knew how long that would last before one of them blew up at me.

I could see that Rose was blatantly ignoring her father and when she entered the room, Albus turned on his heel and rushed into the kitchen, so clearly that situation hadn't been resolved. Which wasn't surprising seeing as she had been snogging Scorpius Malfoy.

Cue a shudder of repulsion.

Lily was avoiding me which was fine because I was happy to avoid her, too. She was clearly still pissed about my reaction to her relationship with CJ but I was pissed that she gave a detailed history of my sex life to my entire family. I strongly suspected that we would be giving each other the silent treatment for a really long time.

Hugo was chatting away with Lily so at least one pair was back to normal.

Couldn't say the same about the rest of us.

I hadn't spoken one word to my father that morning. He refused to look at me and for good measure, I refused back. It was just easier that way.

My mother was clearly not pleased with me. When I had wandered downstairs and greeted everyone with an awkward Merry Christmas, she glanced at me out of the corner of her eye and said nothing back.

That one kinda hurt.

It was expected. She always chose Dad's side.

But it still hurt nonetheless.

So now here we were, the entire Weasley-Potter clan scattered about the living room pretending to be cheerful when it was clear not all of us felt the customary holiday spirit.

I was on the smaller couch between Fred and Louis, paying little attention to the gift exchange going on around me as I entertained myself by replaying the song-singing Alice and I did earlier that morning and wishing she were there beside me.

I only stopped when I felt an elbow to my side. I turned to glare at Louis, but he said, "Teddy."

Glancing up, I saw that Teddy was holding a gift in his hand and staring at me. He must have gotten me for his Secret Santa.

He picked himself off the floor and handed me the wrapped gift.

"Thanks," I said with a cheerful smile.

I was surprised that all I got in return was a taut jaw. In fact, he did not look happy one bit.

Great. What did I do now?

I opened the gift up and peered inside, pleased to see an oversized Cannons sweatshirt staring up at me. My old one was too small on me now and was running ragged so I was very happy to get a new one. I was about to thank him again but stopped, realizing that on further inspection, there was a familiar loopy signature underneath the logo. I froze, my mouth dropping open before I jerked my head up to stare at Teddy. "Is…is this signed by Mario Enderval?" I nearly squeaked, referring to their legendary seeker who had over the summer announced his impending retirement after only three years in the big leagues (I may have cried).

Teddy offered me a curt nod, the coolness still in his eyes and expression.

"Holy kneazle, this is great!" I cried out. "Thank you so much!"

He nodded again but still said nothing.

It put a slight frown on my face but I put his reaction in the back of my mind to discuss at a later time.

"Your turn," Grandmum spoke up with a smile.

Lily's gift was on the table in front of me as I reluctantly leaned over to pick it up. After our outburst last night, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be handing over what I thought was a pretty epic gift but with the entire family staring at me, I had little choice in the matter.

With a sigh, I grabbed the (horribly) wrapped gift and tossed it over to my sister. "It's for you, Lily," I spoke flatly.

She looked surprised to be spoken to, her eyes briefly meeting mine. She looked like she didn't want to be receiving a gift from me just as much as I didn't want to be giving one to her but she reluctantly reached for the small box and proceeded to open it. She tipped the box over and out fell two strips of thick paper. She read them briefly before she froze, her eyes suddenly widening before she glanced up at me. "It's two Harpies tickets."

I nodded.

She blinked. "First row Harpies tickets."

I shrugged and then nodded again, ignoring the round of surprised murmurs that started around me.

She continued to stare me. "First row behind the players' bench Harpies tickets."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I know, Lily. I'm pretty sure I was the one who bought them," I grunted.

"How…I mean…why…" she trailed off, clearly too much in shock to even form a proper sentence.

At the time I bought them, I had expected this moment to be staged a bit differently. For one, I had assumed my sister and I would be on speaking terms. And I would have expected her to shriek to the point of causing deafness in my ears and I would have even anticipated her possibly leaping off the floor and crushing me with a grateful hug before she jumped around the room and squealed like a kid in a candy store before Mum begged her to take a seat so we could continue with the gift exchange.

But as it was, my sister and I were very much irritated with one another so it was understandable that her reaction was subdued and my response was lackadaisical at best.

I shrugged again. "Don't say I never gave you anything, kid."

She glanced back down at the tickets, her cheeks flushing in what I could presume was excitement, before she looked back up at me. She said nothing and neither did I, both of us clearly unsure how to navigate the awkward moment.

"You bought her front row players' bench tickets?" Louis asked beside me to clearly break the uncomfortable tension, his eyebrows shooting up way into his forehead.

It seemed as if my response to everything that morning was to shrug.

"Damn, did you empty out your entire bank account for that?" he responded with a low whistle.

I suddenly felt a tad embarrassed at the attention I was getting from everyone, only because I had a feeling they were all wondering how the same guy who trashed his father one night could spend an exorbitant amount of money on his sister the next day, so I tried to sidestep Louis' question.

"Just do me a favor, Lily," I murmured, glancing back over at my sister whose eyes were still wide, "Don't take CJ with you to the match."

Hugo was the only one to laugh, the rest of the family uncertain how to take that comment.

I expected a glare or another outburst from my sister but neither happened. Instead, she frowned and met my gaze with her own hesitation. "You don't want to go?"

Of course I wanted to go. The Harpies were playing the Arrows, both teams in the top of their divisions and fighting for the playoffs for the first time in years. It was going to be epic, one for the history books. But I didn't want to force her to go with a guy she wasn't exactly thrilled with when I wasn't entirely thrilled with her either.

"I assumed you wouldn't want me there," I drawled.

Tension filled the room as my sister continued to stare me, her green eyes suddenly unreadable before she said softly, "I want you there."

My heart skipped a beat. If this was her way of apologizing, it was kind of working.

I thought back to her outburst when she decided to tell the entire family I was an egomaniacal horndog. It wasn't her shining moment in my opinion but I suppose I probably deserved a bit of backlash after deciding it was a good idea to call her a tart.

Okay, fine. I deserved a lot of backlash.

"Then I'll be there," I said with another shrug. I hesitated before smiling.

She smiled back.

"Er…did you two need to be alone for a while?" Fred smirked beside me.

I elbowed him hard and Lily chucked a croissant at his head.

All in all, a not so bad Christmas morning.

XOXOXO

---

Judgmental eyes kept glancing over at me all morning until I nearly hit my breaking point. I escaped the family, rushing into the kitchen for a much-needed refill of champagne. I stood alone in the kitchen, sipping my champagne flute and wondering why I felt so guilty for saying something everyone must have already assumed I had felt.

I didn't know whether I was grateful that no one mentioned it or whether tiptoeing around the pink hippogriff in the room was almost more unbearable than just getting the multitudes of admonishments over with.

Having the hopeful thought that now that the present-opening portion of the morning was over that I had a chance to escape to my bedroom for the rest of the day, I only stopped when I felt a chill in the air. Glancing around, I saw that the back door was cracked open. Hesitating, I put the champagne down and peeked outside. Huddled on the porch swing was Rose.

I could hide away in my bedroom all day. Or I could focus on someone else's problems.

And so I stepped on to the porch and shut the door behind me.

She glanced up and immediately frowned.

"So how's Malfoy?" I drawled with a little too much bitterness.

She glared at me. "Fuck off, James."

I didn't. "Well, that's not very Christmasy."

"I'm not exactly in a very Christmasy mood," she snapped at me.

Fair. "You could have chosen any random guy to snog, and you just had to choose Malfoy, hm?" I prodded.

Her glare grew with intensity. "If I was looking for someone to give me a hard time, I'd go find Al to talk to."

It was a valid point.

I shrugged. "Hate to break it to you, but you don't snog Malfoy at your family's Christmas party and not expect people to give you a hard time for it."

The anger in her eyes softened into regret as she swiftly turned away from me. "Just leave me alone," she murmured, drawing her knees into her body and resting her chin atop them.

For as long as I've known Rose, she's always been incredibly self-poised and wildly indestructible. But as I looked at her now, I saw an unexpected fragility that took me by surprise.

"You okay?" I asked hesitantly.

Yes, it was a stupid question.

She looked up at me in disbelief. "Am I okay?" she snorted. "My best friend hates me, my father thinks I'm a slut, the whole family is looking at me like I have some contagious disease, and I've been stupidly snogging Malfoy for two bloody months for reasons that are still very much unclear to me!"

Two months?

I could have harped on that but I heard so much distress in her voice with every word she spoke and that was something I knew a little too much about. Hesitating, I decided the only thing I could do was crack a joke so I said, "So we agree that snogging Malfoy was stupid then?"

She glared at me.

I probably should have just kept my mouth shut.

So I went with a different approach.

"You know Al will get over it, right?" I urged.

She hesitated before shaking her head. "He's really mad at me."

I decided to play devil's advocate. "Don't hate me for saying this but you had to have seen that coming."

She frowned and offered me a single nod. "I know."

My eyebrow popped up curiously. "So…" I dithered. "Why'd you do it?"

Her eyes met mine. "Why'd you snog my best friend?"

Hm, I thought we had gotten past that. Apparently not.

"We were drunk and she came on to me," I said bluntly. "But if you recall, I put a stop to it. Seems to me I can't say the same about you and Malfoy."

Rose frowned, stretching her legs out in front of her with a sigh. I walked over to her and joined her on the bench, shivering as the winter air brushed against my cheeks. "I know he's a prick," she murmured.

I nodded. "A big one."

She sighed but then nodded. "Yeah, a big one."

"Then I repeat," I said cautiously, "Why'd you do it?"

She said nothing at first, brushing her feet against the ground to let the porch swing lightly sway. "I don't know," she muttered with so much conviction that I had a suspicion she did know, she just didn't want to tell me. "It was the day after Halloween and I was upset about something, he was there and giving me shit like he normally does, I got irritated at him and just wanted to shut him up so…I snogged him. At the time, I even thought it'd make me feel better."

"Maybe if you kissed a lake squid. But Malfoy?" I groaned.

She shot me a look but the edges of her mouth twitched upward. "Wasn't so bad. He has a really flexible tongue."

I recoiled in disgust. "We can file that into the category of things I never needed to hear."

She smirked before it faded once again. "Then we kept running into each other," she continued with a shrug. "And instead of fighting, we put our mouths to other use."

"Yeah, I didn't need to hear that either."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh relax, it's not like I'm shagging the guy."

Yeah, Malfoy was definitely getting a swift punch to the head next time I see him.

I shuddered and shot her a look. "Please tell me that you're not even remotely considering that option."

She opened her mouth to respond, but I cut her off. "On second thought, I don't want to know!"

She smirked again.

"What were you so upset about that had you running into the arms of the bloody devil?" I questioned.

Rose frowned again, her eyes gazing off into the distance where all I saw was black. When she did finally answer, I was disappointed. "It's nothing."

I snorted. "If it was nothing, you wouldn't have snogged your sworn enemy," I argued. Hesitating, I added, "Multiple times."

She shook her head but didn't offer a response. I thought back to Halloween and wondered if anything occurred out of the ordinary that would have set Rose off but I came up blank. I had a feeling the reason she was so upset would forever remain a mystery to me.

"Can I ask you something?" I spoke hesitantly.

She nodded.

"Do you fancy Malfoy?"

She shot me a look of disgust. "No!" she scoffed. "He's still the same arrogant prat who uses every minute of his free time to taunt and harass me for no reason except that he gets some sort of sick pleasure out of riling me up. I don't like the guy. I was just using him."

That was an interesting way to put it. "Using him?" I repeated. "How?"

She slowly turned to meet my curious gaze. "Considering what Lily announced about your sex life last night, I assumed you'd get it."

Oh, so that hadn't been completely forgotten about yet?

I sighed. "One, I don't like you relating your situation with Malfoy with my sex life as it puts unnecessary thoughts in my head," I muttered. "And two, what the hell are you talking about?"

She said nothing at first, staring out across the blanket of white snow in front of us, a distant look of sadness shining in her confused eyes. I could see the defeat settle into her expression right before she turned to me and said, "Sometimes it's easier just fooling around with someone you don't want anything from, to know it doesn't have to mean a damned thing, to just have a bit of fun as a way of ignoring everything else around you."

That peaked my interest. I always assumed that girls wanted and craved more than what I was giving them. They always made it seem that way.

Except for Hattie.

Glancing down at Rose, all I could do was sigh. "You know you deserve better, right?"

She met my gaze, bewilderment and surprise staring back at me which I suppose I understood since it wasn't every day Rose and I had heart-to-heart conversations about our relationships (or lack thereof).

"I know how people see me, James."

I had no idea what to make of that. "And how do people see you?"

She turned away from me with a sigh. "I'm just a cutthroat bitch who everyone cowers from in fear because they're convinced I'll find a way to tear them to shreds."

Yep, that was pretty much a spot-on description. "And this has to do with Malfoy how?"

She offered me a curt shrug. "He doesn't see me like that," she spoke softly.

I hesitated. "I'm afraid to ask how he does see you."

She shook her head. "I don't really know nor do I particularly care, but one thing I do know is that he doesn't back down or run away from me just because I'm not the typical giggly, flirtatious girl like all the other girls in the school. He doesn't care that I'm a bitch. Because he doesn't care about me at all. Which is fine because I don't want him to care. I was using him for a snog and he was using me right back. And I kinda liked feeling wanted by someone for once," she muttered. Hesitating, she added hastily, "Not that he wants me for anything more than a snog but that's all I wanted in return so it just seemed to work."

I suddenly felt awkward at where this conversation was headed, so I tried to put a swift end to it. "Rose, I know you'll always end up doing what you want to do because you're a stubborn hardass who pretty much hates everything and everyone, but let me just say one thing to you," I said with a bit of a teasing grin before fixing my stare on her. "You deserve to find someone who wants every part of you and not just the part they get to snog."

She turned to me, her eyes slightly wide in surprise which was expected seeing as I hardly fished out compliments to her, or to anyone really.

I felt very awkward under her rather watchful eye, so I turned around and found solace in the darkness that greeted me in the horizon.

"It was nice of you to get those tickets for your sister."

I glanced over at Rose. I guess we were done talking about her.

I shrugged, glad for the subject change. "I knew she'd love it."

I could feel Rose's curious eyes on me and I refused to take the bait, not asking her what she was thinking. She took the hint. "I don't get it."

I snuck a peek towards her. "Don't get what?"

She shrugged. "Why you're so set on trying to convince other people you're not a nice guy."

Frowning, I said, "Maybe because I'm not a nice guy."

"You just spent all of your savings on a gift for your sister and still ended up giving it to her even though you two had a rather explosive fight last night," she drawled. "Whether you like it or not, you are a nice guy."

"Well, don't go spreading that around," I contested.

Rose rolled her eyes. "This is what I'm talking about," she grunted. "It's like you enjoy pretending to be an asshole."

"Or maybe I just am an-"

"No, you're not," she sighed, shaking her head. "We all know that I am one-hundred-percent a bitch and I own that, but you are no asshole. Like I said, you just threw down a chunk of your bank account on your sister and-"

"I'm allowed to spoil my little sister."

"-and you invited your shagmate to our family's Christmas party and-"

"Why does everyone keep harping on that?"

"-you're constantly looking out for me and for Lily and for Rox and for Alice even though you don't have to and-"

"Well, clearly someone has to because you're all making out with untrustworthy men!"

"-and you sit here, telling me I deserve better than a guy who doesn't care about me and-"

"Because you do!"

"-I just think you are trying so hard to be someone you're not when the person you are is actually pretty great. It's frustrating to watch you refuse to let others see that side of you."

I opened my mouth to argue one again but stopped short, my eyebrow slowly crawling towards my forehead. "Was that a compliment?"

She shrugged. "Don't make a big thing of it."

I hesitated. "I don't think I've ever heard a compliment come out of your mouth before."

"I said don't make a big thing of it!"

"Feels weird. Different. A tad creepy actually."

"Oh for the love of Merlin," she muttered.

I chuckled. "Well what about you, Rose?" I questioned. "Why don't you ever let anyone see a different side to you?"

I was taken aback when her eyes darkened and she turned away from me with a helpless frown. "This is who I am," she murmured and I had a feeling she much preferred believing that than consider ever showing any ounce of vulnerability.

I suppose we both had that in common.

So I just sighed and changed the subject. "I'm sorry things are so shitty between you and my brother."

She frowned before shrugging again. "It's my fault. I really screwed things up."

I could only shrug in agreement. "You do know I plan on kicking Malfoy's arse for this, right?"

Rose rolled her eyes. "You do know I'm not six anymore and I can make my own decisions, right?"

"You're allowed to make the decisions again when absolutely no snogging is involved."

I could see her trying to suppress her laughter but a giggle slipped out anyway. "How is it I can hate you and love you all at the same time?"

All I did was shrug and said, "I'm a complicated fella."

And she couldn't help but nod in agreement.

XOXOXO

---

I had somehow managed to escape upstairs mid-afternoon in order to grab Alice's gift from under my bed. I was heading back towards the stairwell when I heard a noise in Lily's room. Hesitating, I peeked in and saw she was dabbing water on her shirt.

She glanced up at me and made a face. "Dora spilled cranberry juice all over my white shirt!"

I winced. "Shit, you must have been pissed."

"Tried to be but then she smiled at me and I forgot how impossible it was to hate that adorable kid."

I chuckled, leaning up against her bedroom doorframe. "I think it's a lost cause," I pointed out, nodding at the very obvious red stain. "Time for a new shirt, Lily."

Lily glanced up at me curiously before tossing the rag into the bin. "You're calling me Lily," she said as she opened up her chest drawers presumably to find another shirt to change into.

"Last I checked, that was your name," I said.

She peered towards me. "You always call me Lils."

"You hate when I call you that."

She shrugged. "Never stopped you before."

I blinked, staring at her as if just looking at her would give me an idea as to what she was talking about. "So…" I trailed off. "You want me to call you Lils?"

She pulled out a black T-shirt before turning towards me. "Do you know when you call me Lily?"

Seriously, where was this conversation going?

"When I feel like it?" I suggested.

She shook her head. "When you're mad at me."

Ah.

"I'm not mad at you," I argued hesitantly for I assumed the giving her the Harpies tickets and her accepting them was our way of moving past our fight.

"So last night was just for show then?" she drawled.

I hesitated. "Oh. Well I was mad then."

Her jaw tightened. "For no reason," she spoke firmly. "I understand why Hugo was pissed because his two best friends kept it from him. But you are not allowed to be mad at me just because I'm dating some guy. That's not fair."

I made a face. "I don't like it."

"I didn't say you had to like it. But you don't get to be mad just because your little sister is growing up."

"Ugh, I really don't like that."

She hid a smile. "CJ's a good guy."

"There's no such thing as a good guy."

She rolled her eyes. "You're a good guy."

My eyebrow slowly peaked its way into my forehead.

She hesitated. "Well, you're a good guy to me."

First Rose, then Lily. What was the world coming to?

I chuckled. "You know I'm going to have to kick CJ's arse for this, right?"

My arse-kicking list was getting larger by the minute.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, kick his arse. But you can't kick him off the team."

I growled. "Alright but he's definitely on probation."

"For what?"

"Uh, how about for dating the Captain's little sister?"

She groaned. "I take back what I said earlier. Maybe I will take CJ to the Harpies match."

"I hope he takes a bludger to the face then."

"Something tells me Fred will take care of that during Quidditch practice all on his own without a professional team having to do it."

"Ooh, I like the sound of that."

"Great, now I'm giving you ideas on how to torment my boyfriend."

I blanched and then made a face. "If that kid so much as hurts one hair on your head, he's a dead man. And from what I've heard from Hugo, that cousin of ours knows how to bury bodies so that they'll never be found and therefore, we wouldn't even be charged for murder."

"I-" she stopped, shaking her head. "Wait, what the hell does Hugo know about burying bodies?"

"Let's not worry about that until we have to, Lils."

She groaned but then let out a smile. "Don't call me that."

I smiled. "Sorry, I'm always going to call you that, kid."

She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye and grinned. "I know."

XOXOXO

---

I was almost out the front door when I saw Teddy in the library with Dora. Hesitating, I doubled back around and wandered in. He was playing peek-a-boo with her, both of them laughing, but the moment I walked in and he looked up, his smile faded.

I sighed and decided to just be blunt because I had little time for games. "You want to tell me what it is I did that got you so mad at me?"

He glanced down at Dora who was now crawling around on the floor. With pursed lips, he looked up at me once again. "I lost my parents before I ever even knew them," he spoke.

When he said nothing more, I sighed. "Hate to break it to you but that isn't exactly breaking news."

His eyes narrowed at me. "Do you know who spent the next twenty-five years filling in as my father?"

I stiffened.

"Yeah," he sneered. "Your own father."

Fuck.

Sighing, I said, "I know he's like a father to you, T, but-"

"He's not like a father to me," he spoke coolly, "He is a father to me. He's the only father I've ever known. And he's a pretty great one at that. I don't know what the hell it is that he did to suddenly make you hate him, and I've kept my mouth shut about it over the years because it wasn't my place to intervene, but when you slander him in front of the entire family, I get to tell you that you're being a selfish brat."

I probably deserved that but it made me angry nonetheless. Or maybe it was the reminder that my father treated Teddy more like a son than his own actual son. "You don't get it," I snapped.

"No, I don't," he responded almost immediately.

I just shook my head, knowing that this was yet another conversation I did not want to be having. "Whatever. I have to get to Alice's," I muttered, turning around and heading out.

"Why am I not surprised that you're walking away?" he called after me. "That's all you're ever good at. You never want to talk about what's bothering you. You never confront your feelings. You never want to deal with any of it!"

I flipped him off but kept walking.

"How the hell do you expect your father to fix anything when you won't even tell him what's going on?"

At that, I whirled around and blurted out, "He doesn't want to fix anything so why the hell should I want to!"

I was glaring at Teddy as he gaped at me in surprise. We both turned away when we heard Dora say "No" from where she now sat staring up at us with a sad look on her face. Apparently she didn't like the two of us fighting.

Teddy leaned over and scooped her into his arms with a sigh. Glancing towards me, he said, "What makes you think he doesn't want to fix anything, J?"

I wasn't about to admit to eavesdropping on my parents the night before. "I don't think he doesn't want to fix anything," I murmured. "I know he doesn't."

Teddy frowned, momentarily distracted when Dora tugged at the back of his hair and he winced. "Why do you say that?"

"I just know."

Teddy hesitated before shaking his head. "You're wrong, J," he spoke softly. "He hates the way things are between you."

I felt an ache settle into my heart. "Did he tell you that?"

"He doesn't have to. I see it every time a colleague asks him about you or he pretends not to notice when I receive a letter from you and he doesn't or when your mother is giving him a play-by-play of your Quidditch matches. He puts on a smile and pretends everything is fine, very much like you do, but it's not fine."

I sensed sincerity in his words but I still felt uncertainty in my heart. He shouldn't care that I write to Teddy because he was the one who stopped writing to me a long time ago. And he shouldn't have to get the play-by-play on my Quidditch matches from Mum because he should be there himself.

"Do you know why I said what I did last night, T?" I murmured.

Teddy looked at me before shaking his head. "No. I don't."

I settled my gaze on Dora who was now resting peacefully against her father's chest. I thought back to when I was a kid and everything had seemed so easy and pure. When I loved my family and I looked up to my father and it was as if nothing could tear me down. When I was young and naïve and innocent and the whole world was my oyster.

Now all I have is an empty oyster shell and not a single pearl to show for it.

"Everyone always assumes that being Harry Potter's son is some sort of honor. That being a celebrity in name only is supposed to be this great accolade. What no one realizes is that it's not easy being his son," I spoke softly. "You're lucky because you get the son part without the last name."

He said nothing at first, though I could feel his gaze on me. I refused to look up, finding slight solace in the sleeping baby in his arms. "And maybe it's not easy being Harry Potter," he eventually said. "Did you ever think of that?"

"No," I spoke coolly and before I could help it, I started to run my mouth, "Because he didn't tell me shit about what it was like. I had to find out from everybody else about how he slayed a basilisk and fought a dragon and freed a hippogriff and about the Room of Requirement and the Voldemort name ban and the snatchers. I had to find out from people I didn't even know how my own father was there to watch his godfather die and he was there the night that Albus Dumbledore died. I had to learn from total strangers that my father sacrificed himself for the good of the wizarding world! That he should have died that night."

My godbrother's mouth shaped into an O form that made me think he was slowly catching on.

"So maybe he's a father to you," I spoke, my voice soft with resentment, "But to me, he's just a liar and a fraud."

I didn't stick around to find out what Teddy had to say to that. Frankly, I didn't rightly care. A part of me knew that Dad had been a better father to Teddy and Teddy had been a better son to Dad but they had an entirely different relationship than I did with Dad. Teddy needed someone to look up to. He needed a role model. He needed a father figure. Me, I got one whether I needed one or not.

And the role model and father figure I got turned out not to be so much of a role model or a father figure at all.

XOXOXO

---

The Leaky Cauldron was empty save for a single fellow in the corner muttering under his breath. One of their regular barmaids was behind the bar so I just waved dismissively before heading up the stairs and veering towards the left where the small apartment over the pub sat.

A few minutes after I knocked, the door opened and Alice stood there with a smile. She was still in her red and green plaid pajama pants with a simple black tank top, a glass of champagne in her hand. "Hey," she greeted, gesturing me in.

I walked in and said my obligatory hellos to Neville and AJ, both of whom responded with a 'Merry Christmas.'

AJ added, "I had hoped you would have gotten yourself a one-way ticket to anywhere else in the world this Christmas."

Neville groaned and Alice glared at her but I merely shrugged. "Eh, maybe next year."

AJ chuckled as Alice and I ventured off towards her bedroom. I flopped on to her bed as she shut the door.

"How was your Christmas morning?" she questioned before joining me on the bed.

I thought back before shrugging. "Weird."

Her eyebrow popped up. "Weird how?"

I let out a slow sigh before explaining. "Well, I had a surprisingly good conversation with Rose who in case you're taking notes, Albus is currently not speaking to; apparently the key to my sister's forgiveness is through front row Harpies tickets; Teddy is apparently not too pleased with me and I stupidly made the mistake of telling him certain things I wish I hadn't; my parents haven't so much as looked at me since last night which I would be fine with if I didn't know some lecture was bound to be coming my way sometime soon; and absolutely no one is mentioning the fact that two snogfests were going down at our Christmas party last night that erupted in two unexpected outbursts."

Alice's eyes were nearly in her hairline. "Ah," she said, clearing her throat, "That kind of weird."

"Yeah," I murmured, leaning back against the wall with a sigh. "That kind of weird."

She cocked her head to the side, studying me, before saying, "Why is Teddy not pleased with you? And what did you tell him that you wish you hadn't?"

Of course she focused on the one part I'd hope she wouldn't.

"Same reasons you weren't too pleased with me last night," I muttered.

She looked momentarily confused before the realization settled in. "Your father?" she asked softly.

I nodded.

"What did you tell him?"

I pursed my lips before muttering, "I told him I thought my father was nothing but a liar and a fraud."

Alice's eyes grew wide. "Shit," she murmured. "How'd he take that?"

"Don't know. I walked out before he could respond."

Alice sighed. "Ah, the infamous 'drop a bomb and then walk away so you don't have to deal with the aftermath.' You're kinda a pro at that, Jay."

"So I've been told," I murmured with yet another sigh. "I should have just kept my mouth shut. Teddy's probably going to go run to Dad now and tell him all the things I've been keeping from him all these years."

Alice slowly shook her head. "I don't think he'd do that, Jay," she argued. "But I do think he's going to try and convince you to talk to him."

"Fat chance of that happening," I muttered irritably. "Any way I could hide out here for the rest of the day?"

She opened her mouth to retort but I hastily cut her off. "Scratch that," I said with the shake of my head. "Any way I could hide out here for the rest of holiday break?"

A small smile perched on her lips. "You can't avoid this forever."

"Can't see why not since I've been doing a stellar job at it for six years already."

She frowned. "Jay…"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," I pleaded, shaking my head. "Can we just exchange gifts?"

She looked like she would have loved to continue discussing it so I was elated when she eventually nodded. I pulled the gift bag off the floor and handed it to her.

She tore out the tissue paper and peered inside before pulling out the scrapbook. She looked at it inquisitively before turning the pages. Her mouth began to slowly open as she turned each page. She was only a few pages in before looking up at me. "You've been stealing from me."

I chuckled. "That's one way to look at it."

The scrapbook was a collection of her sketches and paintings on the righthand pages along with a photo of the subject on the left. I had been working on it for a little less than year, removing certain sketches from her various sketchpads and capturing photos of the lake and the Hogwarts Express and the snow-covered grounds and the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley and the Quidditch pitch and Hogsmeade in the fall to replicate them. I forced friends into the same clothing they were wearing at the time of the original sketches and I set up random photo shoots in the common room and on the grounds and in pubs.

She continued flipping, the awe in her eyes growing with every page. She laughed at a sketch she had drawn of me pushing Fred into the lake (he had not been pleased with having to recreate it). She smiled at a watercolor painting she did of her father and her sister. Her smile wavered at the sketch of her mother's grave. I let her look at every page without saying anything, hoping that she wasn't too upset with me for going through her old sketchpads and removing some of the finished products.

When she eventually looked up at me, I was shocked to see a glimmer of tears in her eyes. "This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me," she spoke in a soft whisper.

"So you're not too mad that I spent very little money on you this Christmas?" I spoke with a teasing grin.

She smiled and shook her head. "Well, you did wind up spending most of your money on your sister. You had to get creative with me," she teased back.

"This had nothing to do with my sister. I started been putting this together far before I decided to buy Lily those tickets," I argued.

Her eyes met mine. "How long?"

I thought back before shrugging. "Last February? Maybe March?"

She said nothing, just staring at me as she quietly blinked away the tears. "Eleven months?" she eventually said.

"Maybe ten."

She fell quiet again, glancing back down at the page in front of her. It was a sketch of a group of us by the lake back in my first year when the winter season had turned into Spring and the flowers had just begun to bloom. I was there laughing with Fred and Louis while Teddy and AJ sat side-by-side with their feet dipped into the lake. Dominique was cuddled up with her very first boyfriend (he only lasted a month) while Victoire sat behind Teddy and AJ keeping an eye on her younger sister. We were obviously all much older now and convincing all of them to return to the Hogwarts grounds over the summer for a single photo had been difficult but it was one of the few sketches that included Alice's family and mine and I knew it needed to be the last one in the scrapbook.

"Thank you, Jay," she eventually said, her gaze back on me. "This is…" she trailed off with a shake of her head, clearly at a loss for words. "Just, thank you."

I smiled, grateful that she appeared to love it. I had put a lot of time and effort into it so I would have felt very disappointed had she not loved it. "I know we'll be graduating at the end of the year but I thought you might like a preservation of all the memories we shared over the years."

"I don't just like it," she said, shaking her head. "I love it."

"I'm glad to hear it," I said with a smile. "Now, is it my turn yet?"

She laughed before pulling herself off the bed and heading towards her desk. She placed the scrapbook down and grabbed a small gift bag on top before carrying it over to me. "Here," she said with a hesitant smile.

I glanced inside and pulled out an old scuffed snitch. I looked at it curiously before glancing up at her, bewildered. "It's a snitch."

"Gee, nothing gets by you," she chuckled, climbing back on to the bed. "Look closer."

I popped my eyebrow up before looking back down at the snitch, bringing it closer to my gaze. I turned it in my hand and noticed there was black ink on it. It took me a few seconds to make out the name but when I did, I froze.

I returned my gaze to Alice, my eyes slightly wide. "It's signed by Rinaldo Shea."

She smiled and nodded. "Not only is it signed by Rinaldo Shea, it's the snitch he caught in the 2016 Quidditch finals."

My lips parted. "That's the last match he played before he retired."

She nodded again. "I know."

I stared at her and then stared back down at the snitch. I was suddenly that five-year-old boy again sitting in the stands next to my father as I watched Rinaldo Shea steal the snitch out from underneath the nose of the Ballycastle Bats' seeker. Shea had been called up from the minor league earlier that month and it was his very first professional game he had ever played and I had felt as if I had been a part of something magical that day. I didn't stop talking about it for weeks. Fred had been so jealous, he threw a stack of Legos at me and refused to speak to me for a month.

And now I held the very last snitch he ever caught in his career.

It should have made me happy. I should have been dancing around the room like a jubilant fool. I should have felt tears in my eyes.

Instead, I was thinking of that very first game when I had felt so much love and appreciation towards my father for introducing me to the epic game of Quidditch.

And now look where we stood.

"You okay, James?"

I forced a smile on my face and looked up at Alice. "This is by far the best gift anyone has ever gotten me. I don't know how you did it, but thanks, Ace. This is amazing."

She cocked her head to the side. "Then why don't you sound all that excited about it?"

Why was I not surprised that she picked up on that?

My smile wavered. "I am excited about it," I urged. "But it also reminds me of the very first match I ever went to."

She looked at me curiously. "The one your father took you to?"

Of course she also picked up on that.

"Yeah," I murmured, slumping down on the bed in defeat. I wasn't supposed to give my argument with my father a second thought, but apparently I did because I found myself muttering, "Fuck, I really messed things up with him."

Alice didn't argue but I hadn't expected her to. "The question is, do you want to fix it?"

The worst part of all of this is that I didn't have an answer to that question.

I hated the way things were my father. I hated that I had looked up to him for so long just to have my image of him shattered the moment I stepped foot in Hogwarts. I hated that he kept so many secrets from me, his own son. I hated that I had to find out the truth from a group of people I didn't even know. I hated that we had once bonded over Quidditch and now the last thing he wanted for me was to play it professionally. I hated that he loved my siblings more than me. I hated that I would never be good enough for him. I hated always disappointing him. And I hated that he always managed to disappoint me right back.

But what I hated the most was that there was a very good chance that no matter what I said or did, he'd still never find a way to be proud of me.

And that wasn't something I was prepared to handle.

The truth was, I was afraid to try and fix things with him. Because what if I told him everything I've been bottling in for six years and he still found a way to not care? What if I confronted him about all the things that have been bothering me – his secret-keeping, his lack of letters, his displeasure with my Quidditch playing, the fact that he stopped showing up for me – and nothing changed? What if he didn't have the answers I was looking for? What if he still made it clear that I'd never be good enough for him? What if we just continued to disappoint each other?

I could live with the what-ifs. I couldn't live with finding out that the answers to my what-ifs were everything I hoped they wouldn't be.

I'd rather live in the unknown than face the possibility of the worst kind of truth.

So all I could say to Alice was "I don't know."

XOXOXO

---

I didn't want to return home but Alice kicked me out. Well actually, AJ kicked me out but Alice didn't argue. I think she was convinced that if I stopped avoiding home, I might actually have a conversation with my father.

I wasn't so sure.

The rest of the night went by rather uneventfully. We had our traditional Christmas dinner, stories from past Christmases were swapped with the usual laughter, and not a single fight broke out. But that was probably because most people were avoiding each other. Rose and Albus sat at different ends of the table, a rarity, and Teddy sent me sideways glances all night while my mother still refused to look at me even once. Dad was quiet throughout dinner and Aunt Hermione kept sending warning looks towards Ron every time he opened his mouth which had kept him fairly quiet as well. So dinner came and went and somehow, I managed to survive.

Teddy had tried cornering me a few times but I made it a point to surround myself with Fred and Louis so he couldn't get me alone. There was no way he was going to convince me to talk to Dad and the last thing I wanted was to discuss the situation even more with Teddy when I didn't want to discuss it at all.

The next morning came and the house once again fell into its usual quiet. I took my time pulling myself out of bed, knowing Dad would be off to work at some point in the morning.

It was nearing eleven o'clock when I made an appearance in the kitchen. Albus was there reading the newspaper and Lily was gobbling up leftover pastries. I stole a blueberry scone from her plate, earning myself an expected growl, and popped a piece into my mouth as I slid into the kitchen table in between the two of them.

"You planning to avoid Dad all of holiday break?"

I shot my brother a look, a slight glare in my eyes. "You planning to avoid Rose all break?"

He glanced over his newspaper with a growl. "Not just break."

I rolled my eyes. "She's your best friend, Al. You can't shut her out forever."

"Hey, maybe everyone was right in calling her a bitch all these years."

"Oh, they were not," I grunted. Hesitating, I said, "Well, okay, they were, but she was never a bitch to you so don't start turning her into one now."

His eyes narrowed. "You can't tell me you're actually defending her."

I shrugged. "So she snogged someone. Big bloody deal."

His grip tightened on the edge of the newspaper. "Are you joking right now?" he snapped. "You hex every single guy that dares to smile at a female in our family and you're telling me it's no big deal she's kissing some guy who, by the way, you hate? Who she supposedly hates, too."

"She still hates him," I said.

"Is that all you have to say?"

I shrugged again, finding slight amusement in his clear frustration. "Don't worry that angry little head of yours, Al. I'll still find a way to kick his arse when we get back to school."

He rolled his eyes. "Go right ahead."

That somewhat surprised me. I expected him to tell me to lay off Malfoy like he typically did. "I wasn't aware you knew how to hold a grudge," I commented.

He shot me a look. "Must have learned it from you."

I met his gaze, briefly wondering if he was referring to our longtime rivalry or the clear grudge I held for our dear father. I decided it was better not to ask. "Hugo must have gotten the patience genes in our family seeing as he and Lils seemed rather chummy yesterday."

"Don't call me that" is all Lily said.

"Lily having some boyfriend is way different than Rose snogging Scorpius," Albus huffed. "At least Lily and Wood actually like each other."

I shuddered at the thought, ignoring the smirk on my sister's face beside me. "We'll see how much he likes her when he winds up in the hospital wing for a month with blood pouring out of his nose."

Lily growled. "You really want one of your chasers incapacitated for a month?"

I hesitated. "Fine, I'll lessen it to a few days."

"How gallant of you."

I shrugged. "Well, you can't say we don't know how to throw a good party."

Albus rolled his eyes. "That was the exact opposite of good party."

Evidently he missed my sarcasm. "Clearly," I drawled. "I'm thinking next year, I'll skip Christmas with the family. Hole myself up on some private island and ignore the world around me for a few days."

Albus and Lily exchanged a look that baffled me. Lily was supposed to argue with me and Albus was supposed to roll his eyes. Instead, they both looked concerned.

"What?" I sighed at both of them.

They shared another look, one that was chock full of trepidation. Slowly, Lily peeled her eyes off Al and said to me, "Do you actually mean that or are you just being your usual cynical and sarcastic self?"

I blinked in confusion. "I don't know. Why?"

They exchanged yet another look. I found it every annoying.

"Because," Lily muttered, slowly shaking her head at me, "Mum mentioned this morning that there was a good chance we just had our last Christmas as a family together."

I stared at both of them before making the decision to play dumb. "Why? Is someone dying?" I drawled with the roll of my eyes.

"No," Lily sighed. "She assumes that when you go off and become a famous professional Quidditch player, you'll have no problem whatsoever jetting all over the world and leaving us behind."

I frowned but Albus cut me off before I could retort. "Leaving Dad behind," he corrected.

I met my brother's disapproving gaze before turning away from both of them. "I can't imagine he'd be too upset by that," I muttered.

"You're the one who said you wished he wasn't your father," Albus scoffed. "Never once did he say he wish you weren't his son."

He didn't have to say it. His actions made it pretty clear.

I didn't say that aloud. I was not about to get into an argument with a guy who revered my father. His relationship with Dad was far different than mine and I couldn't expect him to understand it.

"I don't understand why you two are the ones questioning my possible future Christmas plans. If Mum is so concerned by it, why doesn't she ask me herself?"

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, she's kinda avoiding you right now in fear that if she doesn't, she may actually strangle you," Albus snorted. "I don't think she fancies herself going to prison. Consider yourself lucky."

I flipped him off and stormed out, not before hearing Lily tell him to shut the fuck up.

I knew she was my favorite Potter.

XOXOXO

---

Another day went by and I still had not spoken a word (or even saw) my parents. I also managed to avoid Teddy, who had tried stopping in to the house, by spending the evening hanging around Leaky Cauldron with Fred and Louis, only managing to get AJ to roll her eyes twice while Alice spent her night between serving the patrons and flicking quarters into shot glasses with us. No one mentioned my outburst with my father once.

I was saying my good-byes to Alice and walking out the Leaky Cauldron doors when I ran into Reese and Isla wandering in. Scowling, I said almost immediately, "Your cousin is looking to get his arse kicked."

Reese frowned and said to Isla, "Go grab us a table. I'll be there in a minute."

Isla looked skeptical but disappeared inside.

Folding her arms across her body, Reese said to me, "My cousin is not as bad as everyone thinks he is so how about you lay off a bit and let Rose and Scorpius work this out on their own?"

I snorted. "Not as bad?" I repeated. "He treats girls like shit."

"Oh, and you don't?" she snapped at me.

I frowned. "I'm not the one snogging any of your cousins."

"And if you were, I'd stay out of it."

I looked at her. "You're telling me that if I decided to casually fool around with Isla, you wouldn't care?"

She flinched. "Ew, she's only fourteen."

I shrugged. "Age hasn't ever really stopped me before."

"You're not interested in Isla so don't pretend that you are," she drawled.

"I'm not interested in anyone, Baby Girl," I responded. "And neither is Malfoy."

"Yeah, well then it's a good thing that Rose isn't interested in him either!" she scoffed. "Don't you see, James? They are just being their own casual version of you and Hattie. So why is it okay for you and Hattie to do it and not them?"

I really did not like the fact that Reese picked up on that fact that there was little difference between what Rose and Malfoy were doing and what Hattie and I were doing.

And before I could even stop myself, I found myself blurting out, "Because maybe it's never just casual. Maybe there's more to it than either are willing to admit."

Her eyebrows flew into her forehead at my subtle message. "Oh really?" she smirked.

Okay, time to backtrack.

"I just don't want to think about the very plausible possibility that my cousin could get dicked over by your cousin."

Her smirk only grew. I really didn't like that. Ignoring my latter comment, she said, "Are you insinuating that it may no longer be just casual between you and Hattie?"

I really wish I knew the answer to that question.

"Because if you are, it's about damned time you admitted it."

Blinking, I glanced down at the Slytherin. "What?"

She shrugged. "I think you both are pretending to be something that you aren't anymore. Maybe you meant nothing to each other once upon a time but it's been over a year. People grow up. They evolve. And yes, that includes even you."

I wasn't entirely sure what to make of it so I thought the best thing to do would be to deflect. "Which is precisely the reason I would very much like Malfoy and Rose to quit what they're doing before it leads to anything more."

Reese sighed. "You're trying to protect someone who doesn't need your protection. Not now anyway."

I frowned. "No offense to your cousin, but Rose deserves better."

She shrugged and said, "No offense to you, but so does Hattie."

Okay, I was getting really tired of everyone trying to offer the opinion to me about the Hattie situation. Really fucking tired.

"And I think that's my cue to leave," I drawled, sidestepping past Reese and continuing down the sidewalk.

"For the record," she called out to me, "You deserve better, too."

When I turned around to comment, she was gone.

XOXOXO

---

It was the following day and Alice was working again. While messing with AJ had its appeal, I found myself alone and bored in my bedroom that particular afternoon. After coming up with a few new Quidditch plays I wanted to try once back at Hogwarts, I found myself with nothing to do. So I decided to write Hattie and apologize for my family's (and my) behavior at the Christmas Eve party. I couldn't just leave that hanging for another week.

But as I wrote Hattie's name at the top of the page, I found myself unable to come up with the words to say. As silly as it sounded, I had never once written to a girl before (who wasn't family or Alice) and I wasn't entirely sure how to come off.

Which confused me.

Because when did I start caring about how I came off to someone of the opposite sex?

Fuck, was my family actually getting to me? Was Alice? And Reese?

I groaned and tossed my quill across my bed, trying to figure out exactly why I had decided to invite her to my family's Christmas Eve party. I had never felt compelled to spend my free time with anyone who wasn't Alice or Fred unless it included a quick shag followed by a good-bye. But I had invited Hattie to the party with no intention of seducing her. The fact that it happened at all had been unexpected.

So the question of the hour, the question everyone but me seemed to be asking, was this: did I fancy her?

I thought I'd just know the answer to that question but I had never let myself develop feelings for anyone before so I was in unchartered and very dangerous territory. There was a reason I kept myself at a distance, which had always seemed to be the easy answer. For so many reasons that had somehow clouded together over the years enough to convince me love didn't exist:

I had never wanted to turn out like my parents or my family, all of whom settled for marriage.

I was just a name. I was just a Potter. Girls saw celebrity status in me only. I was not about to draw close to someone just to find out it was just a fantasy they were interested in, not me.

I stopped trusting people the moment my own father blind-sided and backstabbed and betrayed me.

I had a ten-foot wall surrounding my already broken heart that I refused to let anyone penetrate.

Being vulnerable was not something I was good at nor was it something I ever wanted to be.

Girls were jealous of my friendship with Alice and there was no way in hell I was going to let someone come between us.

I was a total screw-up who anyone would be smart enough to run from before things got anywhere close to serious.

And yet as strange as it sounded, I had let Hattie into my crazy, screwed up world a long time ago and she hadn't run screaming.

That had to be some sort of sign.

Question was, what kind of sign was it?

I didn't have an answer to that question but I couldn't just start at the page anymore. So I let out a lofty sigh and began to write.

December 27th, 12:45 PM

Hattie,

Remember when I invited you to my family's Christmas Eve party and said it would be fun? I must have confused my family for someone else's.

I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to say good-bye. It was pretty shitty of me to invite you and then completely bail. Please say you'll forgive me or I'll have to find a way to earn your forgiveness.

On second thought, don't forgive me. I've already got ideas brewing in my head. Insert winky face here.

(Feel free to ignore the fact that I just said winky face.)

This is the part where I'd typically ask how your Christmas was but I have a feeling you'll then ask about mine and I'd rather just avoid the subject altogether. Something tells me you won't be too upset about that.

If I'm wrong, feel free to smack me the next time you see me for being insensitive.

Hope things are going well. A bunch of us are planning to hit up the seedy side of West Elm for New Year's Eve if you're interested. I promise that no one in my family will be there.

Except for Fred.

And Louis.

And maybe Rose if Albus is still being a stick in the mud in a week.

But I can hold off on rowing with them until Hogwarts if it means getting you to join us.

See you soon?

James

XOXOXO

December 27th, 1:15 PM

Hey James,

I was surprised to hear from you. I figured you'd wait until the Hogwarts train to, how'd you put it, "find a way to earn my forgiveness."

Great, now I have ideas brewing in my head.

But alas, I forgive you. You were dealing with a lot and I thought it was best to leave you be. I actually had a really good time.

I know the night didn't exactly end on a high note for you but if there's anyone who understands the complications of family, it's me.

Speaking of, thank you for not actually asking about my Christmas. Teaser alert: I ended up storming out very much like you did on Christmas Eve.

Parents can really suck sometimes.

I wound up spending most of my Christmas evening in the woods behind my house flying around on my broom. I'm pretty sure I got frostbite but the chill in the air was better than the chill in my house. Let's pretend it's not totally pathetic of me to spend what is supposed to be the merriest of holidays alone with only my broom to keep me company.

Great. Here I am spilling all of my woes after I just thanked you for not asking about my Christmas. Feel free to ignore the last few paragraphs.

You sure inviting me to New Year's Eve is a great idea considering what happened at the last holiday event you invited me to?

See you soon,

Hattie

XOXOXO

I read her letter and smiled when I realized her method of getting away from it all was the very same method I used: flying. Even in the middle of winter, there was nothing more freeing than taking to the sky.

Laying back against my pillow, I felt my smile fade at the sudden realization of how much I had in common with Hattie Wilkes. We both played a mean game of Quidditch, our relationship with our families was rocky at best, we appreciated the art of casual sex, and the only way to put aside all of the bullshit going on inside of our heads (and hearts) was to get up on our brooms.

I thought back to what Alice had said on Christmas morning, how perhaps I didn't know how to want a relationship so it was easier pretending I didn't want it at all. I knew a part of her was right. I had recoiled at the idea of commitment for so long that I had convinced myself it wasn't worth the burden, especially with some girl I cared little about. But this was Hattie. She wasn't someone I cared little about. If she was, I would have stopped shagging her a long time ago.

And yet I hadn't. There was something so easy, so effortless when I was with her, even those few times we weren't actually shagging. She had a bubbly personality and could always make me laugh. She was smart and challenging and unlike most girls, she wasn't easy to read which I found endearing. I liked talking to her. I liked laughing with her. I liked her.

Holy shit.

Was this what fancying someone felt like?

Were Alice and Reese and my family right all this time? Had I at some point developed feelings for Hattie and just never let myself see it? Was I just too afraid to want something with her that I pretended not to want anything at all? Could I see her as my girlfriend? Was she my girlfriend, just without the title?

So many questions. And I wasn't entirely sure what any of the answers were supposed to be.

But as I stared down at my empty parchment, I couldn't help but think that for the first time in my entire life, I was actually interested in finding out the answers to those very complex questions.

December 27th, 2:00 PM

Hattie,

Why wait until the Hogwarts Express to earn your forgiveness? What do you say we grab a drink tomorrow night and I fill you in on my big plans? I may even be able to convince you that spending New Year's Eve with me is in your best interest.

James

XOXOXO

It didn't take her long at all to response.

December 27th, 2:10 PM

Why, that sounds an awful lot like a date, James Potter….

Hattie

XOXOXO

I wrote my own response rather quickly. But it took me nearly an hour before I found the courage to send it.

December 27th, 3:00 PM

Hattie.

And so what if it is?

James

XOXOXO

An hour went by with no reply. Then another. And then I wondered if I would have been better off not staying anything at all.

I was still considering how to rectify the situation when there was a knock on my bedroom door.

Imagine my surprise when I pulled myself off the bed and opened the door to find Hattie standing there.

"Hattie," I said with a hesitant smile.

She looked at me, her eyes unexpectedly cold, before she said, "What the hell was that last letter?"

Bewilderment settled into my expression. "Er… I thought that was kinda obvious."

Her eyes narrowed at me as she invited herself into my room, shoving past me and turning around to say, "Tell me, James, are you really that big of an asshole or are you just a moron?"

I shut the door behind us before turning towards her, trying to recall what could have possibly set her off. I came up blank. With a shrug, I said, "I suppose I'm hoping it's the latter."

Her arms folded across her body. "I was going to suggest you were both."

I sighed. "Why don't you stop beating around the bush and just tell me what the hell it is I did?"

"You asked me out on a bloody date!"

I blinked. "Yeah. I did. Not sure why that has resulted in you yelling at me, though."

Her nostrils flared. "One word, Potter: Code."

I froze.

Shit.

How did I miss that?

Regret settled into my heart. All I could say was "Oh."

She looked momentarily confused before the anger flared up once again. "'Oh?' That's all you have to say?"

I sighed. "Yeah," I muttered with a shake of the head. "I-I wasn't thinking."

Her eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. "You live and swear by the goddamned Code, Potter," she hissed. "Don't you dare act like you forgot about it."

I glanced up at her in slight confusion. "But…" I trailed off, confused. "Why would I ask you out if I remembered the Code?"

"You tell me."

I stared at her, still unsure why she looked so livid. "Sometimes even I make mistakes, Hattie," I said guiltily.

She said nothing, her eyes studying me closely. The anger that was just there slowly faded into reluctance. "So asking me out was a mistake then?"

It might have been better if I just said yes, it was a mistake. Maybe we could have had a laugh about it, blown past the sudden awkwardness, and gone right back to doing exactly what we had been doing. Maybe. But telling her it was a mistake asking her out was like saying she was a mistake. And that was the last thing she was.

"No," I spoke softly, "Asking you out wasn't the mistake. Forgetting about the Code was."

She went quiet again, her eyes not straying from mine. The look in her eye softened and her expression became one of sunken anguish. When she spoke, her words surprised me. "We both know this isn't anything more than two people casually fooling around for the fun of it," she said and I could have sworn there was a panicky tone in her voice. "You don't have to pretend you want it to be something it isn't."

I frowned. "Why do you think I'm pretending?"

"Because why would you mean it?"

I was getting increasingly insulted by her accusations, even if they were somewhat justified. It's not like I had ever asked anyone out on a date before so this was completely new and unchartered territory for me. But I wasn't completely convinced that I had been in the wrong.

"Because why wouldn't I?" I fired back with a mere shrug. "You're beautiful and funny and incredibly sexy. We have a good time together and I just found out that we have a lot in common, some good and some not so good but we seem to understand each other more than I ever realized. You're incredibly smart and very analytical which means you manage to push my buttons sometimes but I like that you keep me on my toes. And maybe the idea of dating scares the shit out of me but for some reason when I consider doing it with you, it doesn't sound so bad."

She was staring at me with wide eyes. Her cheeks were flushed and her mouth was hanging slightly open. I couldn't read her expression so I instead wondered if I just completely scared her off or if maybe she didn't completely hate my sappy retort.

"Do you really mean that?" she spoke softly, her voice with faint awe.

I nodded. "Of course."

Her eyes softened slightly. "You really weren't trying to mess with me, were you."

I blinked multiple times, the question baffling me. "You thought I was messing with you?"

She said nothing.

"How?" I asked, shaking my head. "Why?"

Her lips pursed, a guilty look crossing her expression. "I don't know," she muttered with an awkward shrug, "You've never shown any interest in taking this further in the year and a half we've been shagging so I thought it was some sort of joke. Pretend you're interested but use the Code as your scapegoat. Make yourself feel like you're not a total fuck up while totally fucking me up."

My eyebrows shot way up into my forehead at that last comment. If I had thought I was insulted before, that was nothing compared to what I felt now. "Oh, so not only am I supposedly messing with you, I'm also a total fuck up?"

She shot me a look. "Tell me you don't think so."

Of course I was a total fuck up. But I didn't need her to tell me that. In fact, this whole conversation has taken a rather drastic turn into the realm of absurdity and it irritated me more than I would have liked to admit. All I had done was ask her out on a date and she suddenly thought I was some maniacal douchebag conspiring against her?

And this is precisely why I don't ask girls out.

"I might be an asshole most of the time, Hattie," I retaliated, my own voice now frigid with frustration, "But I've never once had to pretend anything with you. But it's nice to know that the girl I've been sleeping with for the past year thinks so very low of me. Clearly asking you out was in fact a mistake."

I saw the surprise in her eyes and thought perhaps I had taken it a little too far but I didn't apologize, instead waiting for her to respond.

It took her a while before she found her voice. "I had to believe it was some game to you because I didn't want to believe the opposite."

I mulled over her words. "You didn't want to believe I meant it?" I concluded, my brow furrowing.

She met my gaze with a single nod.

I took that to mean the worst. "If you didn't like me, if you didn't want to say yes, if you didn't want us to be anything more, you could have just told me," I said with a shrug. "I'm a big boy. I can handle rejection."

She let out a light laugh. "Good Godric, you can be so oblivious sometimes."

My eyebrow shot up. "I feel like you've just been spending this entire time insulting me," I said with a teasing grin.

She just smiled and shrugged. Turning away from me, she nodded towards the door. "I should probably go," she said with another shrug.

I gaped at her. "That's it? I ask you out, you say I'm playing games, you call me a fuck up, I promptly take back my date request, you sorta, kinda, but not really reject me and call me oblivious, and then you leave?"

She was struggling to hold back a laugh. "Uh, yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up," she teased and she followed it up with a smile that lit up her face.

Which made me frown. "You never actually answered my question," I spoke hesitantly.

"What question?"

I shouldn't have continued and yet I did anyway. "If I asked you out, what would you say?"

Panic appeared in her eyes again. "It doesn't matter," she spoke hastily. "There's a Code in place that says it can't happen."

"Forget about the Code for a moment," I pleaded.

"I can't forget about the Code, James," she muttered, quickly turning away from me. "It exists. It's there. That'll never change."

"You're avoiding the question," I whispered.

Desperation now stared back at me. "I have to."

"Why?"

Her bottom lip trembled but she said nothing, the question dangling tauntingly in the air.

"Hattie," I spoke again, my voice filled with an unexpected desperation. "Why do you have to avoid the question?"

She turned away from me and I could have sworn I saw a twinkle of tears reflecting in the corners of her eyes. "Because, James," she whispered, "More than anything, I want to say yes."

My eyebrow shot up. "Really?"

"Yeah, really," she spoke, her bottom lip trembling. "You're funny and you're smart and loyal and spontaneous and when I'm with you, I'm somehow able to just forget about everything else going on around me. And even though you don't always act like a decent human being because you are so damned afraid of letting down your guard for even just a moment, I feel like I've seen the real you. I feel like you've shown me the part of you that you're afraid to show others. The sweet, genuine, likable part of you that makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world and who tells me I'm beautiful not just because you're trying to shag me but because you believe it and that makes me believe it. The guy who at some point in the past eighteen months I've stupidly fallen for even though I just keep trying to convince myself that I'm just another girl to you and you're just another guy to me. Only you're not just another guy, James. I really care about you and now you're telling me that you possibly care about me, too, and I love that and hate it all at the same time because I told myself it would never happen, that it couldn't happen, that you'd never see me as anything more than just that girl in a broom cupboard. And yet here it is, happening. Only we can't do a goddamned thing about it so I guess it doesn't really matter how I feel or how you feel, now does it?"

All I could do was stare at her as she finished her unexpected rant, my heart filling with a sort of tenderness I had never experienced before. There was something so raw and honest in her words that made me feel something I hadn't ever felt before, an intense longing of sorts. I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and never let go, letting this oddly perfect moment be suspended in time so that we could just be together without any repercussions.

Only there were repercussions. There was an entire Code that said we couldn't date. I didn't know if it was irony or a coincidence or if it was just a cruel joke, but of course the moment I realized there was a girl out there I could see myself actually falling for also happened to be the moment I realized it would never happen.

I didn't particularly believe in God but if I did, I could understand why people said he worked in mysterious ways.

Mysterious bullshit ways.

I should have pulled away but instead I said, "Don't hate me for doing this."

Her eyebrows furrowed. "For doing what?"

I smashed my lips against hers.

She kissed me back, that moment exploding with such overwhelming passion. The heat between us has always been strong but now more than ever, there was a desperate need driving us towards each other, our hearts beating with unbridled intensity.

Her hands were in my hair when I found myself practically throwing her on to my mattress as I hovered over her, our lips never parting. Her legs wrapped around me as our tongues fought for dominance, and one of us, or maybe even both of us, moaned as her hips pressed firmly against my pelvis.

Her shirt was quickly discarded, followed by a flimsy tank top, and my T-shirt joined her clothes on the floor. We were a frenzy of arms, bumping roughly together in our eagerness to undress. My raw desire for her all but seared my skin as her bra-covered breasts stared up at me tauntingly. I met her fiery gaze as I peeled off the bra, leaving her exposed on top.

Our kisses became even more desperate as our hands and then our mouths explored every crevice of our bodies. My lips trailed down her jaw and her neck and her breasts and eventually landed on her bare flat stomach, right above the clasp on her jeans.

I unbuttoned her jeans and tore the zipper down and she sat up for barely a moment to kick her jeans off, sending them flying clear across the room. She pulled my jeans off and they fell to the floor, her lacy black underwear calling for me to tear it off with my mere teeth.

There was something about that moment, as my tongue licked across her abdomen dangerously close to the edge of her knickers, that felt different than all others before it. This wasn't just a need for an orgasm. It wasn't just another excuse to have sex. I actually wanted her – maybe even needed her – in a way that had never crossed my mind before. My heart was racing, my stomach warm with anxious butterflies, and every move I made no longer seemed calculated but desperate.

I didn't know if she felt it, too, but in that moment her eyes met mine followed by a shy smile and it was almost as if this was the very first time we were doing this together, unexpected nerves dancing around our heads. I ignored them by kissing her and before long, her underwear was gone and so were my boxers.

Normally, I'd just plunge myself into her and let the moment take over but I surprised both of us when I lowered my mouth to her clit and sucked.

I heard her inhale sharply, followed by an illicit gasp, and I smiled wickedly, swirling my tongue around her private area and hardening with every sound she made. She moaned, she groaned, she whimpered with every movement my tongue made and she shuddered when I inserted two fingers inside of her. She wriggled underneath my touch, her face flushing as I removed my fingers and replaced them with my mouth, flicking my fingers across her clit until I felt her tense up and cry out in ecstasy.

She breathed heavily, coming down from her high, before she dared to look at me, a slight shake of her head telling me whatever the hell I just did was unexpected. For the record, it was unexpected for me, too.

"That was…" she trailed off, not even able to find the words.

I smirked as I leaned over and pressed my lips hastily against hers. Before I knew it, I was flipped over on to my back and she was on top of me, wearing her own smirk. She winked at me before plunging her mouth over my cock and I hissed at the unexpected gesture. She chuckled, the vibrations against my cock sending a moan out of my mouth.

Her hand was wrapped firmly around me, her tongue swirling the head, and it only took a few minutes for me to realize that I wouldn't last like this. I jerked away, shaking my head as I said, "I need to be inside of you."

She seemed to understand that the gesture wasn't an insult as she chuckled impishly, tossing her hair over her shoulder as her eyes met mine. I leaned over to my bedside table and grabbed my wand, hissing the Contraception Charm and feeling a warm sensation circle around my cock.

With a zealous twinkle in her eye, she moved up my body and straddled herself above me, teasing me for a few unbearable seconds before she plunged herself over me and we both let out a desperate cry. She took it achingly slow at first, my cock throbbing inside of her as she moved herself up and down at a gradual pace before slamming herself over me, my cock filling her entirely. She rocked her hips back and forth fervently, both of us letting out equal moans of pleasure, before I shifted myself at the last second and she pulled herself off of me, scooting to the side.

I took her from behind, burying myself deep inside of her, everything from the tip to the base now enveloped by her heat. We were both panting heavily, everything inside of us pulsating with every move I made. I didn't slow down. I thrust in and out, faster and harder, gripping her hips tightly until I couldn't take it anymore. I felt her tighten around me as she let out an intense moan and I replied with my own cry at the explosion of my climax. My head reared back, blinded by unadulterated pleasure, breathless with the awe and shock.

As the high wore down, I slowly eased out of her and slid down beside her, my arms instinctively pulling her into my embrace. We said nothing at first, the intensity of what just happened wearing us both down.

A few minutes had passed and I sadly knew that whatever incredible moment we just had was slowly moving towards a finality I wasn't ready for. I knew we couldn't lay there forever, as much as we would have wanted to. In the very least, we would have to climb back into our clothes before my parents returned home and possibly interrupted us.

(Then again, they were both ignoring me so there was a good chance I could lie here naked with Hattie for days and no one would take notice.)

I turned to look at Hattie and the slight movement made her look up at me with a hesitant smile. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say and she clearly was at a loss for words, too, because we didn't speak as we just stared at each other, loving that simple tender moment for what it was.

Eventually she turned away, the edges of her mouth tugging into a frown. I knew then that the moment had passed.

"As amazing as that was, it doesn't change anything," she murmured, her body pressed up tightly against mine.

All I could do was nod.

"I could quit the team," she suggested.

I laughed. "I wouldn't let you do that."

She shrugged. "Alright, fine, you quit the team."

I shot her a look and she laughed right before she got quiet again. "We can't be anything more than we are," she said softly.

We both knew she was right but it still made my heart flutter with an unexpected sadness. I never thought I'd actually have feelings for a girl and when I do, I can't act on them. Was life always this unfair?

"Who says we have to tell anyone what we are?" I suggested hesitantly. "Let everyone assume we're still just shagging for fun."

There was a long silence before she spoke. "I've been pretending not to have feelings for you for so long, James. I don't know if I can keep doing it knowing that you have feelings for me, too."

I knew she was right but I still hated it. "Yeah," I said with a reluctant sigh. "I know."

As I leaned over to press a kiss to her forehead, she melted into my touch with a lengthy sigh. The awkwardness of our situation danced around us almost tauntingly for I didn't know what to do and it was clear Hattie didn't know either. We fell into another lull of quiet before Hattie broke it once again. "I don't think I can do this anymore," she whispered.

I really did not like the sound of that but I didn't blame her for saying what we were both thinking. We couldn't pretend today's conversation hadn't happened. We couldn't act as if we hadn't just announced to each other that there were feelings involved. We couldn't let our hearts get involved any further than they already were. I wanted nothing more than to continue doing what we had been doing but the problem was, it was no longer casual. And neither one of us were looking to complicate our lives any more than they probably already were.

"I wish I had something better to say than just 'okay,'" I murmured, suddenly more confused than ever.

"I don't know if there's anything left to say," she whispered, her words desperate against her tongue.

I felt an ache swell inside of my heart at the very prospect of letting her go at the moment that things were just getting good, but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't break the Code. I wouldn't. This year's Quidditch playoffs meant too much to me and as much as I admittedly cared for Hattie, it wasn't worth giving up my chances at a future in the professional Quidditch world. And I knew that if we couldn't be anything then nothing was all we could be. She said she couldn't pretend not to have feelings for me and while pretending is all I've ever really been good at, I wasn't looking to pretend with her either.

"Well," I sighed with a slight shake of the head, a smirk perched at the end of my lips, "You know what they say. It's not worth going out unless you go out with a bang."

She blinked, turning to me with an upturned mouth before bursting into laughter. "That was the worst pun ever."

"I thought it was pretty clever," I chuckled.

Another laugh spilled from her lips before silence fell over us once again. It lingered for only a moment before Hattie slowly pulled herself off the bed, taking our entire relationship with her.

I watched her gather her clothes and throw them on, an ache stabbing my heart every time she found a new article of clothes. I had had a really good thing going with her and I completely ruined it by asking her out.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I tossed on my boxers that were hanging at the edge of my bed and reached for a dirty T-shirt dangling over my desk chair, all without getting off the bed. I was certain if I moved off the bed, I'd grab her for round two.

She tossed her hair into a ponytail before glancing back towards me. "So," she spoke softly, "I guess this is it."

The words felt stiff and awkward but what did you say to the person you just spend a year and a half shagging that you were now forced to say good-bye to?

I couldn't imagine Hallmark made a greeting card for that scenario.

"Don't go," I practically pleaded. "Not yet."

I saw such raw sadness in her eyes as she looked over at me. "I have to," she spoke softly. "If I don't, there's a good chance I'll never leave."

"Perfect, I've always wanted a female roommate."

The ends of her mouth turned upward but she said nothing, glancing towards the door hesitantly.

She took one step towards the door before I blurted out, "I'm sorry I screwed this up."

She turned towards me with a small shake of the head. "You didn't screw anything up, James," she said softly. "In a way, I'm glad it happened. At least I know now that you really did care about me. It wasn't all in my head."

All I could do was nod, wondering why I thought caring about her was a good idea if all it got me was a preemptive breakup.

She smiled at me, reaching for my hand and squeezing it. "I'll see you back at school?"

Her hand was on my doorknob when once again I stopped her. "You should still come out for New Year's Eve."

Hesitating, she turned around. "That seems counterintuitive."

I shrugged. "It's better than your alternative," I pointed out, knowing she wouldn't want to ring in the New Year with her family.

She frowned. "So…what? We're just supposed to be friends now?" she sighed.

I shrugged again. "It's better than the alternative," I spoke softly for the thought of losing her completely caused an ache in my heart.

She met my gaze in slight surprise before frowning. "Dragon's Lair at eight o'clock?"

I nodded. "Yeah. And hey, maybe I'll even help you find a guy to snog at midnight."

She looked at me skeptically before bursting into laughter. "I'll hold you to that," she teased as she finally pulled open my door.

At the last minute, I felt myself stumble off the bed and reach for her arm. She turned towards me, confused, but before she could say anything, I pressed my lips to hers one last time.

It was a good-bye kiss and we both knew it.

When we pulled apart, she looked at me and said, "Thank you for caring about me, James."

"Thank you for making it easy."

And then she disappeared down the stairs.

And I spent the rest of the day wondering if I just let the best thing that might have ever happened to me walk out the door forever.

XOXOXO

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A/N: Well that was a lot of information crammed into one chapter. We get a little bit of Harry-James relationship, some Lily-James relationship, some Teddy-James, and of course the end all be all, Hattie-James. I love those two together and yet Code says they can't date. Just when we all thought James might be growing up a little.

Next up: New Year's Eve