Sapphire and Sunshine- 13
Four days later, I was home again. It didn't ordinarily take that long to get from Konoha to Suna but I had decided to take my time and set a slower pace for the trip. I think I might have been putting off getting home because once I got there, I would be completely alone again with no chance of seeing Naruto. He hadn't returned by the time we left for Suna so I never did get to see him. Temari spent the trip home giving me careful looks but she didn't try to talk to me about it again. But I think that was mostly because she didn't want to discuss it in front of our escort.
When we got home, I immediately set up a meeting with the council to brief them on my discussions with Tsunade. There were new projects to implement and improvements to be made and I wanted to get everything underway as soon as possible. I was tired from the trip but all I wanted was to distract myself from what I was feeling. Outwardly, I was calm and methodical in handling village affairs. On the inside, I was grieving for what I'd lost. My heart was heavy and it ached with a dull throb that was a constant distraction.
Deep down I was convinced that Naruto would never speak to me again. And why should he? I'd taken advantage of him when he was at his most vulnerable and that made me the worst kind of person. Dragging myself out of the pit of unhappiness that I'd created, I focused my attention on the meeting. I could see Kankuro giving me the same kind of careful looks Temari had earlier but it was unlikely that he knew what was going on. There hadn't been any time to for the two of them to talk. I wasn't looking forward to any kind of discussion they might want to have with me so I pointedly ignored him.
After the meeting, Baki trailed me out of the conference room and followed me down the hall. "I trust the trip went well."
"You were there for the meeting. We've got lots of things to do," I said flatly without stopping. He refused to be deterred and continued to pace me as I headed back to my office. My first impulse was to return to my room but I knew that would only give me time to think and that would lead to more unhappiness. There was plenty of work to do on my desk.
"Yes," Baki said, interrupting my thoughts. "I was there. But I'm more interested in what you didn't say in front of everyone else."
"I'm not sure what you mean." Which was bordering on a lie. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. I could practically feel the other man regarding me like he was trying to examine me from the inside out. It was irritating and uncomfortable but I chose to ignore it.
"I just hope that your personal feelings will not interfere with your position," Baki said carefully.
"And what would you know about personal feelings?" I snapped moodily as I pushed my way into my office. I'd rarely seen the man do anything except work my whole life. Where did he get the nerve to lecture me about my personal life interfering when he'd never had one?
Baki calmly followed me inside and shut the door behind him. "I know you. Your emotions are often intense. Whatever it is you're doing to yourself to manage them is not helping." His tone was very quiet and more comforting than I would have imagined. The wall that I'd been creating around my feelings was starting to soften and I did my best to shore it up.
"My emotions are not an issue. Suna's relationship with Konoha will not suffer." Only my relationship with Naruto would. When I stopped in front of my desk and braced my hands on the desktop, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.
"I watched you suffer alone for years. I don't think I can bear to see you revert back to that now that things have gotten better." There was true regret in his voice which surprised me.
I didn't quite trust my voice so I was quiet for a while. When I did finally speak, it sounded rough. "I've only got myself to blame this time."
"Is it really that bad?"
I nodded wordlessly. But I couldn't let myself wallow in my pain no matter how much I wanted to. Straightening, I let the cool veneer of indifference fall over me again. "If you'll excuse me, there are some things I need to attend to."
"Gaara." It was the same patient voice Kankuro had used with me before when he was explaining that he was happy for me and Naruto. When I didn't respond, Baki sighed. "Believe in you own words and remember that you're not alone anymore."
I knew I wasn't alone. There was part of me that was well aware that I had support now when I hadn't before. But at the same time, I felt more alone now than ever. "I will be alright," I told him. And perhaps I would be eventually. I just didn't know how long it would take. Baki squeezed my shoulder one more time before leaving me on my own. The only thing left for me to do was sit at my desk and focus on the work before me.
The days started to pass slowly after that. Working allowed me to ignore what was bothering me and I dove into it to keep my mind off my issues. When I wasn't working, I was training. Letting my skills slide just because I was Kazekage wouldn't do. And it was as good an excuse as any to keep from thinking about Naruto. I was never hungry anymore but I ate enough to appease my siblings who had both been watching me carefully. In the rare moments when I allowed myself to feel, the pain was so intense it made me slightly nauseous. Sleep was out of the question. When I did manage to drift off, I dreamed of Naruto and woke feeling more lonely than ever. But I could function. I'd managed for years without sleeping regularly and I could manage well enough now.
And I continued to manage well enough for almost three weeks. Fatigue was starting to build up but I continued to ignore it relatively easily. The slight disorientation and dizziness I'd started to feel was probably just due to how little sleep I was getting. Or it might have been my poor diet but I wasn't really consciously aware of either of those things. One morning I woke feel particularly sluggish and after finishing a light, early breakfast that I barely managed to keep down, I headed to the morning council meeting.
One of the guards stationed in the hall was watching me approach, his expression one of concern. "Are you alright, Kazekage-sama?"
"I'm fine," I replied easily. But I found myself clutching my robes tight about me as I suppressed a shiver and headed inside to take my seat. The air seemed cooler this morning than I was used to and it was giving me a chill. I could see a few of the council members watching me but I straightened my shoulders so I wouldn't appear weak. There was nothing wrong with me. But during the meeting, I kept shifting uncomfortably as I struggled to concentrate on what was being said. It was like I was seeing everything through I fog and their words were difficult to understand. The room was spinning slightly and I sat as still as I could so I wouldn't get dizzy. But when it became too much, I finally excused myself and left the room. The subjects of discussion were routine and didn't need my attention. Or at least I thought they were.
As I headed down the hall, I thought I heard someone calling my name but it was a distant sound. I sought the comfort of my room where it was dark and inviting and safe. I just needed a few minutes to pull myself together. If Naruto was here, he would have been worried about me. My chest started aching again and I clutched at my robes as I shuffled down the hall to my room. I thought I heard my name called again and I locked the door behind me. I didn't want to deal with anyone else right now and the sound of another voice was starting to send small waves of pain through my head. But the locked door didn't seem to be much of a deterrent. There was an insistent knocking as soon as I was inside.
Waving my hand in an irritable gesture, I raised a wall of sand around the whole room including the balcony doors. No one could get inside now. I could remain in the quiet darkness and finally get some rest. Stripping out of my robe, I lay on the bed in the dark and sighed. I was all alone but it was where I belonged. I didn't deserve to be with anyone. Not with the way I'd treated everybody around me. A couple years of caring just couldn't make up for a lifetime of not giving a damn. I curled up uncomfortably on my side. It had gotten much hotter since the meeting and my throbbing head was really starting to pound. But finally, everything started to fade so it wasn't quite so noticeable.
I'm not sure how long I lay in the dark. I was plagued with visions of Naruto and how good he'd felt against me. But then everything started to change and he kept moving father away, always staying just beyond my reach. He wouldn't look at me. I kept crying his name as I tired desperately to get him to stop, to turn around. Anything. I wanted him to acknowledge me. Maybe not to forgive me. That might be asking too much but I just wanted him to see me.
"Gaara?"
I was startled out of my sleepy hallucination by a voice I never thought I'd hear again. Was that Naruto? He couldn't be here. There was no way he could be here. My imagination was playing tricks on me. Grabbing my pillow, I wrapped it around my head to keep out the sound. I'd finally gotten rid of the Shukaku. I couldn't deal with any more voices in my head.
"Gaara?"
He was louder this time and more insistent. After pining for him for weeks and wondering for months what I felt about him before that, I was afraid to see him now. What if he was just here to tell me what a horrible person I was? What if he wasn't really here at all and I was really was starting to lose my mind this time?
"Gaara, please let me in." Naruto sounded so sad and worried. I couldn't stand to hear him in pain. There was a tentative touch against the sand as I felt him place his hand against the barrier I'd made. The sand parted at his touch and allowed him inside before closing again and leaving us alone together. The darkness was absolute so I couldn't see him but I felt him move closer to the bed.
"Gaara?"
"You're not really here," I told him stubbornly. My voice was a hoarse whisper. He couldn't be here. He was probably just an illusion. Or a hallucination. Or something in between. Nothing felt quite real at the moment and my head was swimming. I shouldn't have let him in but something told me I might not have had any choice in the matter. The sand had almost moved on its own.
"Gaara, what's wrong?" he asked me gently.
"You left me." That's what was really wrong. He'd left me and I was never going to see him again.
There was a soft sigh on the air. "Gaara, I'm so sorry." He came a little closer. "I messed up."
"But it was all my fault," I moaned piteously.
"No it wasn't." The mattress dipped as he sat beside me. "I kinda freaked out a little. I. . .I didn't know what to do."
"But I took advantage of you." I knew he wasn't really here so it didn't matter what I said or how much I opened up. I could tell him everything without worrying about it.
"I figured it was the other way around." He sighed again. That wasn't what I expected him to say. "Why did you lock everybody out? They're really worried about you. I'm worried about you."
That's all I seemed to do; make people worried or afraid. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you worry." My voice became choked with tears as I started to cry. "I love you so much. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and because I did something stupid I'll never see you again. I don't know why anybody cares about me."
"Because they love you," Naruto said gently as he moved closer. "Because I love you."
The ache in my chest pulsed and I let out a sobbing whimper. Naruto pulled me close and gathered me in him arms which made me cry harder as I clung to him. Even if he might not really be here, I couldn't let him leave me again. Curling into him, I wrapped my arms around his waist. He smoothed my hair away from my forehead before placing his hand on my cheek.
"Gaara you're burning up." Naruto hissed as he touched my bare skin.
I wasn't sure how that was possible. I was freezing and I shivered as I pressed closer to him. "Please don't leave me again." I clung to him and didn't want to let go.
"It's alright," he said soothingly. But I thought I heard a thread of worry in his voice. "I'm not going anywhere." He stroked my hair. "Please Gaara. Release the sand. Let me take care of you."
I felt so warm and safe with him. My whole life I'd always wanted to be able rely on someone but never had the chance. Until now. Naruto was here and I loved him so much. Sighing, I let myself relax completely and let go of the sand surrounding my room. And then he picked me up and we floated away. . .
. . . . . . .
I struggled to claw my way back to awareness but I couldn't quite manage to open my eyes. Everything ached and the throbbing in my head was more insistent than ever. There was something pressing over my nose and mouth that felt like an oxygen mask. The scent of healing herbs and anesthetic made my nose twinge. Was I in the hospital? When did I get here? What had happened? The murmur of my sibling's voices prompted me to let them know I was awake. But I couldn't even lift a finger let alone make a sound. Kankuro and Temari were arguing.
"If you'd been paying more attention-" Kankuro began.
"Me? You're the one who doesn't notice a damned thing when it's right in front of you. You spend more time examining border reports than you do talking with Gaara." Temari sounded furious.
"And what about you? You spend so much time at the academy that you're never around," Kankuro sniped back. He probably wouldn't win the argument but that didn't stop him from trying.
"Well forgive me for giving a damn about Suna's future. You can just-"
"Stop it!" The third voice made my heart soar and confused me at the same time. Why was Naruto here? My memory was really fuzzy and I couldn't quite remember what was going on. I heard him shut the door with a click. "If you guys are going to do that, go somewhere else. He's going to keep sleeping forever if this is all he's got to look forward to when he wakes up."
There were mumbled apologies from my siblings. They weren't really angry with each other. They were scared. I could tell that much just from the sound of their voices. I wanted to let them know I was awake but my body betrayed me.
"It's okay," Naruto continued gently. "I know you guys aren't really mad. It's because you care. You should both go home and get some sleep yourselves. You look really tired." There was a pause and I could imagine them all staring at each other trying to figure out who would give in first. "I promise I'll let you know if anything changes," Naruto told them. When that got no response, he sighed. "Do you really want him to see you looking this worn out? You'll just make him worry."
Finally there was the sound of shuffling before I felt a soft pat on my hand. "We'll be back in the morning," Kankuro murmured as Temari kissed my temple.
When the door opened and closed again, I felt Naruto take my hand. I wanted to apologize so badly. So I tried really hard to let him know I was awake but all that came out was a gurgling whimper.
"It's alright, I'm right here," he said quietly as he squeezed my hand and stroked my hair.
It was quiet for a while as I continued to try and force myself to wake up. But all that I managed was a feeble twitch of my fingers. I let out strangled huff of frustration that ended in a pathetic sounding whine.
"Shhhhhh. I know you're not really ready to wake up yet. I promise I won't go anywhere." Naruto's soft voice and his soothing touch were making me sleepy. I really wanted to talk to him but staying awake was becoming a battle that it appeared I couldn't win. Letting out a soft sigh, I let sleep claim me once again.
When I woke the second time, I was finally able to pry my eyes open. The aches had become more bearable and the pounding in my head was now just a soft throb. The oxygen mask was gone and I was propped up on the bed but I felt incredibly weak. It appeared that I really was in the hospital. The sun was shining around the edges of the curtained window and it illuminated the sterile interior. I was surprised that my siblings weren't present. What was even more surprising was that Kakashi was sitting at the foot of my bed reading a book instead. His visible eye flicked up to regard me with humor and something that might have been relief.
"Good morning, Gaara," he said.
I couldn't manage much more than a grunt in response as I tried to figure out how much of my recent memory was a dream and how much was reality. I thought I'd been dreaming about Naruto's arrival but Kakashi's presence led me to believe otherwise. As I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, I turned my head to look at the bed next to mine. Naruto was curled up in a tangle of sheets with his limbs wrapped tightly around a pillow. He was fast asleep and snoring softly.
"How long has he been there?" I tried to keep my voice down so I wouldn't disturb him but it turned out I didn't even have to. My voice had been reduced to a dry rasp.
"Almost four days," Kakashi replied as he closed the book and put it away. "He sat with you all that time. He refused to leave even when the doctors urged him to go get some sleep. This was the compromise," he said as nodded toward the other bed. I thought I saw him smile fondly behind the mask.
Naruto shifted again and yawned as he rolled onto his back. His blonde spikes were sticking up in every direction and he wearing what looked like a pair of Kankuro's pajamas. Part of me would have liked to see him in a pair of mine but I had a smaller build and they probably wouldn't have fit. Shaking my head, I pushed away the distracting thought. He was really here. Memories started to surface from when Naruto had arrived and mild panic started to bubble up from the inside as I remembered the things I'd said. And then I was looking into a pair startled blue eyes and all of that melted away. I think Kakashi excused himself quietly and left the room but neither of us really noticed.
"Gaara," Naruto said quietly. "You're awake." He sat up and scrubbed hand through his hair. "How are you feeling?"
I swallowed painfully and considered what to say. There were a lot of things I was feeling right now. "That's a complicated answer," I said finally. I coughed a little. Talking irritated my dry throat.
Naruto immediately got up and poured me a glass of water. His fingers brushed mine when he handed it to me and I would have dropped it if he hadn't brought up his other hand to cup mine. He helped me lift the glass to my lips so I could take a sip. When I was finished, he set it aside and settled on the edge of my bed.
"So that complicated answer," he said. "You don't have to tell me all of it or anything but are you feeling any better than before?" he asked hopefully. And maybe with a little apprehension.
I sighed. "A little." There were so many things cycling through my head right now.
He fidgeted where he sat. "That's good. I was worried." His eyes wandered around the room. "Um. . .do you remember what you said before?"
What did I say? Things had started coming back to me earlier but they slipped away just as easily. "Sort of." It was quiet for a moment as we tried to figure out how to continue. Neither of us was very good at expressing our feelings calmly, or at all in my case. When the door opened, we both jumped. Naruto stood and ran a nervous hand through his hair as a doctor and a nurse came in. He stepped out of the way as they checked my vitals and the IV that I hadn't really noticed until now.
The doctor was quiet and polite enough to make me think he was either nervous around me or conscious that he'd just walked in on a private moment. But the nurse had no compunctions about telling me what she thought. "You gave us quite a scare," she said with a tone that bordered on scolding. The doctor shot her a glance but she ignored him. It was the same steadfast nurse who'd been present when I'd brought Naruto to the hospital back when all of this had started.
"What happened?" I asked. I hadn't really thought to ask before now. I remember being upset but that shouldn't have required a hospital stay.
The nurse gave me an appraising look. "From what your siblings told us, you weren't taking very good care of yourself. Lack of rest and proper meals were taking a toll on your body and it reduced your immune system's ability to protect you. You developed a dangerously high fever. It's broken now and with a few days of rest, you should make a full recovery." Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "You shouldn't let stress affect your health like that."
I felt Naruto's gaze settle on me but I couldn't make myself look at him. "When can I go home?" I asked her. I didn't care for hospitals and I didn't want to say any longer than necessary.
"Well." She consulted the chart she carried. "We'd like to keep you another two days." Her gaze shifted to the strangely nervous blonde who was sitting on the other bed giving her a hopeful look. "But as long as nothing changes drastically overnight, I suppose we could release you tomorrow. With supervision of course," she added. The doctor really didn't have much to say.
Naruto sighed when they finally left but as soon as the door closed, it opened again immediately to admit my siblings. "Gaara, thank goodness!" Kankuro said as they both came over to the bed. "And you," he said as he pulled Naruto over and slung an arm across his shoulders. "Thank you for coming when you did. I wasn't sure anyone else would have been able to get through to him."
"Yeah, well." Naruto shrugged. "Wasn't much. Right place, right time I guess." He looked like he felt guilty for some reason. We really needed to talk. But it was something that needed to be discussed in private and my brother and sister looked ready to stick around. And the two of them were just the beginning of a steady parade of visitors that came to see me including Baki, several council members, and Shikamaru who had come with Naruto and Kakashi. It was a little overwhelming and by the time the afternoon rolled around, I was exhausted. I fell asleep early and slept all through the night.
After breakfast at the hospital the next morning, I felt well enough to go home. There were a few more tests the doctor's wanted to run to make sure I was relatively healthy and that my chakra was stable. It was almost midday by the time I was released and escorted home by Naruto and my siblings. There was also a group of people to carry home the veritable forest of flowers that had been sitting on every available surface in my hospital room.
Kankuro and Temari left me in the hall outside my door and promised to check on me later. But when Naruto mumbled something about letting me get some rest and moved to leave, I snagged his sleeve and pulled him inside. But I ended up stumbling over a pile of sand that had settled inside the door. Naruto's caught me and I leaned on him heavily. I was remembering more now. I'd locked myself in my room by using my sand to keep everyone out and now it was lying in discarded piles everywhere. I didn't have much strength left but I mustered enough to collect it all and deposit it back in the gourd that sat in the corner of my bedroom. But the effort left me completely drained and Naruto had to help me over to the couch so I could sit down.
"Now that we're finally alone," I said. "We need to talk."
"You really should get some sleep," he said earnestly as he stood before me. "You're really tired."
"Please." I didn't want to wait. It was true that I was incredibly tired but I'd stressed myself out to the point that I'd gotten really sick because I'd waited this long.
"I'm not leaving or anything," Naruto insisted with a touch of impatience as he sat down beside me on the couch. "I promise I won't leave Suna until we talk. But you can barely keep your eyes open. I don't think now is a good time."
"Naruto-"
He interrupted me before I could finish. "Gaara, you nearly died." His voice cracked on the last word.
I reached out and took his hand. For the first time since I woke, I noticed how tired he looked himself. I'd been worried about him for so long, I hadn't realized how much he might have been worrying about me.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"I'm just glad you're okay," he mumbled as he squeezed my fingers.
"We don't have to talk right now. But. . .please," I said quietly. "Stay here with me." It seemed I couldn't quite get away from the fear no matter how hard I tried. He said he wouldn't leave Suna just yet but that didn't mean he'd stay in my room. I held his hand and tried not to look desperate. He regarded me seriously for a moment before his expression softened.
"I told you I'm not going anywhere."
We stared at each other silently for a little while and it seemed that neither one of us really knew what to do. There was as much hesitance on his part as there was on mine. But he reached out and put his arm around me and all the doubts I had seemed to melt away. The scent of him surrounded me and I felt his warmth as I leaned into his body. Naruto held me close and sighed. The tension seemed to melt out of him and I realized how stressed he'd been. But he was here now and it would get better. It was getting harder for me to stay awake but I didn't feel any pressing need to do anything about it. After weeks of not sleeping, I fell into the deepest, most relaxed slumber I'd experienced in a long time.