Did anyone think I was going to abandon this? Don't answer that. I decided to finish what I started and I think deep down I knew I wasn't going to give up on this but I was having a bit of a doubtful moment. I want to thank everyone who reviewed with their honest opinion because I did not expect people to admit that they thought that I should move on. You know who you are and I will acknowledge you at the end of the last chapter with many other shout outs. This story isn't much of a drama, I'll definitely write one in the future but I'm going to continue on with this the way I want because I need to be happy writing this.
I changed the picture for this story if anyone noticed because someone was very sweet and made fan art! I would like to thank 00savannah00sierra00! Also, I updated my profile biography so check it out. Okay this is such a long authors note and probably extremely boring, so please enjoy chapter 12.
Jade's POV:
My eyes are betraying me.
For the past few days the tears haven't stopped. I couldn't even go to school because I couldn't control it; I barely can, even now. They're just always there. Even if they aren't falling, they are in front of my eyes, blurring my vision. I haven't cried in years and now I can't seem to stop. But what am I crying for? Nothing?
I sit in the driver's seat of my car as I lightly run my fingers down the sharp blade with my eyes fixed on the tool. Cat uses this to carve secrets on her arms, keeping those secrets tucked away beneath her sleeves. Well…she used to.
The blade slips from my fingers falling onto the passenger seat and I start up the engine. Before I begin driving, I put on a pair of black sunglasses. I can't stand the sun in my eyes while I drive. There are many reasons I hate driving in the daylight but a big one is the sun because I hate it; it's too bright, like Cat...or at least I thought she was.
I frown and let a sigh escape my lips at the thought of the short red head again. I can still picture her in the closet staring at the pair of shorts I gave her three years ago. She was talking with tears in her eyes about unfathomable things like remembering everyday how it felt when I kissed her body and touched her. Cat continued saying how she wants to feel that way again but I always break her heart and it hurts to love me.
I feel the tears in front of my eyes, wetting my eyelashes each time I blink, and the word 'love' once again spills into my mind and echoes in my ears. That word is like nails on a chalkboard. I just want to grit my teeth and shut my ears so I don't have to hear it.
I hate hearing that word; I hate thinking about it. I'll never need that word because I'll never have it. I won't ever let myself fall into that. The simple word causes my chest to tighten and I feel like I can't breathe. In fact, I don't think I have breathed properly in a few days, so I inhale deeply and hold it for a few moments to recognize that I'm taking a much-needed breath before I release the air.
I can't deal with this fucking bullshit. Cat's messed up; there's no denying that. What she said earlier...it was deep and I didn't expect something like that coming out of her mouth. I guess there's a lot about her I didn't know; I never really paid much attention. I always just brushed her off. She seemed to be so happy and joyous; I could never stand it.
I can't stand her and—no I'm done with this. I don't want to think about this anymore, or Cat. This was over three years ago and she brought it up again because she's holding onto the past, but I don't need to. I can't change the past and I couldn't care less about—
I suddenly notice something, catching my breath in my throat and tightening my chest. My heart hurtles in my chest and I squeeze my eyes shut impulsively as I quickly slam my foot on the brakes. The force pulls my body forward as the car screeches in my ears before leading to an abrupt stop. My back hits the seat and I put my hand over my breastbone, taking a deep, shaky breath.
I slowly open my eyes and watch the little boy around six or seven as he stands right in front of my car only an inch away. He glances at me with a pair of headphones in his ears and his eyes wide in fear that I almost ran him over while he was crossing the street. The boy quickly bolts to the sidewalk and in the corner of my eye I see him reach it, but my eyes don't move. I just stare straight ahead into the road of my neighborhood, stunned.
The reoccurring nightmare about my brother's demise makes its way into my brain and my chest ties into knots. It's so close to what happened back then that I feel breathless, like everything has been knocked out of me, and the world around me spins. Tears stream down my cheeks; my burning eyelids close and my forehead falls onto the steering wheel. I grip the wheel tightly in my hands to keep some control as I pant heavily between the violent sobs that rack my body.
I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't know this kid. And shouldn't his idiot parents teach him how to look both ways before crossing the street? And why did they even let him out here alone? Why do I even care?
Everything seems so foreign. I've never felt so confused—I feel so empty, discomforted, and uneasy because something just feels fucked up. I'm crying and thinking about things in ways that I previously wouldn't have been able to imagine, and even now I still can't. None of it makes sense, but all I know is I hate it all.
You know what? I can't fucking take this anymore. I want to feel normal again, or whatever normal was, because it worked for me. I liked it that way. I could feel pleasure in my own twisted thoughts but now everything I think about just makes me want to curl up into a little ball and cry. I want to stop crying for stupid messed up reasons. I just need to forget, and that's all I'll focus on right now. The word 'forget' almost make me smile, but then I remember I never smile, just like I never feel anything. I refuse to allow myself.
I lift my head off the steering wheel and I slide my fingertips around them to catch tears falling through my lashes, then sniffle to clear my now clogged nose. I can't cry anymore; the tears just make me ache and all that seems to make sense right now is that I know I need to stop crying. So, I open my eyes again and try to blink away tears, but they just continue to fall while unwanted sobs escape from my trembling lips.
Fuck it. I just want to get rid of this feeling eating away at me.
I take my foot off the breaks and press onto the gas. As the car begin to move forward, I immediately turn around and head in a different direction to a place I haven't dared to visit since all of this started.
*Experimenting*
I immediately kick the door open to Beck's RV. He automatically knows it's me just by the way I knock, which is why I don't even bother to anymore. If I had actually respected his RV, he would've made me wait there for ten minutes just to get on my nerves. Beck loves to push my buttons and that amused smile he has when he does...it makes me want to shove my scissors in a place I doubt he wants them to go.
Beck is used to it by now...but he wasn't expecting me to show up, especially since we broke up. The Canadian looks up, startled with a game controller in his hand, but then he just blinks a few times while Andre looks absolutely terrified beside him on the couch. The game controller had quickly fallen from the palms of his hands, only to be replaced by a decorative pillow that clings to his chest while his body twitches involuntarily. And I thought Robbie acted like a little girl.
I cross the room over to the couch with my lips pursed together and my eyes fixed hard on both of them with determination.
"Andre." I address him in a stony voice and cross my arms as my fierce eyes just stare at him.
He shifts under my gaze as if my eyes are poisonous and the spell affects him while they fix on his face. "Jade." He swallows hard and looks behind me at the T.V while video game music blasts. "H-hey girl… how's it going?"
"Get out," I order firmly.
Andre frowns deeply. "Oh come on!" He cries. "I was about to beat Beck at—" His breath hitches as he feels my deadly glare and he leaps up from the couch. "Later man!" he says throwing a quick glance at Beck before bolting out of the RV.
I turn to Beck with a smirk on my face, but he returns a disapproving frown. What else is new? "Jade…" he scolds.
"I want whatever you have," I voice.
He arches his eyebrows in bewilderment. "What are you...?" He starts to ask, but then realization crosses his features and he quickly shakes his head. "No! No, I'm not selling you drugs."
I cock my head to the side. "And why not?" I question.
"Look," He starts. "I know you don't care about me—I don't think you ever have—but I care about you, so I'm not selling to you." Beck explains as he puts the game controller on the floor and his hand finds the remote, muting the video game.
I narrow my eyes at him and a scowl darkens my face. "I don't need you taking care of me, Beck. You're not my boyfriend and we're barely even friends—"
"I consider you my friend. So do Andre, Tori, Robbie and Cat…" Beck trails off and then his eyebrows knit together again. "Speaking of Cat, I know you didn't visit her. Why though?"
I can't help but get lost in my own mind at the question. Why didn't I visit Cat? I always knew I was a bitch, but am I really that much of one? I mean, I know she's screwed up and right now I can't stand her—not that I ever can—but that doesn't mean I can just ignore what she's been doing to herself because of me. It's a dumb reason but… Do I care? I don't even know why I'm thinking about Cat right now. I came here so I could stop thinking about her and all of this.
I swallow hard and tense my jaw, forming my lips into a thin line. "You need to pay rent for this RV so you don't have to work at Inside Out Burger or some other shitty place that people our age get part time jobs at," I slowly explain ignoring his question. "…And I'm so fucking stressed out that I decided to give you some business." I slowly explain, ignoring his question.
Beck's parents agreed to allow him to live in this RV if he could pay his own rent. Since Beck thinks part time jobs are boring—which they are—he decided to start selling drugs. He doesn't do them, but he gets joy from the thrill of selling them.
At the same time, he is very serious about acting and his reputation. If anyone found out he was selling drugs, no one would ever take him seriously as an actor. I don't know how the hell he manages to hide it from his friends since a few people who go to Hollywood Arts are his customers, but I wouldn't have known if I hadn't read through his phone.
"What's up then?" Beck asks with raised eyebrows. He props his elbows onto his thighs and looks up at me expectantly.
I exhale deeply and plop onto the couch. "Everyone is driving me crazy."
"Who is everyone?" he asks. "Do you mean Tori? She invited me over a few days ago asking about you… Aren't you guys together now?"
I shake my head. "No," I start to explain, "…we went out once and made out at a party, but that's all. It was just fun to me, but now it's done."
Beck's expression turns solemn as he chuckles. "Sounds like you," he points out with a hint of amusement in his voice that makes me want to stab his eyes with forks.
"What do you mean?"
He shrugs his shoulders. "You don't do much of the emotional stuff, just the physical."
"You're the one telling me that?" I raise my pierced eyebrow. "I thought guys weren't fans of the emotional shit."
"We don't have a boner every five seconds either."
"Sure..." I mutter in disbelief. "So what did Tori ask you about me?"
"Just stuff about how you were when we were together."
"Well, I don't see why she has to know since she was the one who decided to stop whatever we were doing."
"I don't know." Beck begins. "But look, Tori's a girl—" Beck begins to get into some explanation.
I widen my eyes with a loud gasp. "Tori has boobs?" I interrupt, placing my palm against my chest in faux surprise.
Beck rolls his eyes. "Anyway… most girls can't defeat their feelings as well as guys can…" His eyes search me for a moment before he begins to speak again. "Or at least most can't."
I would never admit this out loud, but he's right. In fact, everything he's saying is right. I never wanted to talk to Tori, and I never cared if she wanted to. No, I didn't want love, so I guess I really didn't care to humor her with much of a conversation either. But I'm here to forget about Tori too; she's in the past and I don't have to think about her anymore because she ended it.
"I don't need lessons from you, Beck," I snap, irritated because I'm sick of talking without forgetting anything I came here to. "Are you going to sell to me or not?" I fold my arms over my chest and lift an eyebrow.
Beck hesitates. "I—" he falters and plucks at his lower lip, his fingers smoothing his chin out of habit. "Just this once." He smacks his hands against his legs as he pushes himself into a standing position.
I smirk in satisfaction and lean my back against the couch whilst watching him like a hawk to see which drawer he pulls open and rummages through. His phone begins to dance on the couch as it vibrates, and he turns his head as I toss it to him. He reads the screen before putting the phone in his pocket.
"I have to go meet Ryder. I'd hate that guy if he didn't buy a lot, especially after what he did to all those girls including Tori…" He trails off and hands me brown paper bag.
I nod and open it to see a small bag. I close the bag and hand him a $50 dollar bill then walk out before he can respond. He follows and I get into my car. Once he drives away, I slip back inside thanks to his broken door. I go into the drawer and grab two more small bags before finally leaving.
On my way out, I finally notice Andre trying to hide at the side of the RV but I don't want to say anything; I just want to get this into my system so I can forget about all this stupid shit going on in my life.
So that's what I do. I go home and I snort and I don't feel guilty because all I'm doing is experimenting.
Twist! Anyone expecting that? Well since the top authors note was extremely long this one will be short. Please review with your thoughts :)