Chapter 13: Another Series of Letters
Bilbo,
Ridiculously Sensitive Hobbit of the Shire,
I wasn't saying you didn't treat them with respect! I was thanking you for it! Nor was I implying that you wouldn't simply that you had every right not to. Try reading more carefully and stop inferring meanings in my words!
As for the Company, you had a least a month's warning of our arrival. Surely you were aware of what you were getting into inviting a group of Dwarrow into your home. Though Dwalin did say you seemed surprised to see us. So perhaps we were a day earlier than expected. But it would have been a poor host indeed to turn us out after accepting in advance to house us. Not to mention the fact we FIXED everything before we left! So there!
Your point about the Arkenstone is a sound one. I will have to think on it some more.
You had better not defend that blasted Elf! While I admit, grudgingly that there is a peace, agreement between us to remain civil, I would love nothing more than to shave the overly arrogant fool bald.
I hate to ask but I am afraid we need the expertise of your people. The ground around Erebor and Dale has yet to be properly cultivated. Dwarrow are not known for farming and the Men of Dale seem unable to do more than a few minor plots. If you would be amiable we would appreciate any assistance you could give us.
The rest of the Company is well, as is my sister. She demands I continue to 'mend' our friendship, which would be easier if you didn't constantly question my wording you infuriating Hobbit! Fili and Kili also wish to pass on their greetings. Soon we shall add another member to the royal family, as Fili has begot an heir with his One. There are many bets as to what gender the child will be, though we all know it will be a boy.
I truly hope the child takes more after his mother, as his father and uncle were right terrors in their youth. I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I found some manner of gooey material in my boots or fish in my bed from those rascals. I had thought they had grown up, since settling with their Ones. However recently they pulled a rather childish prank on Bain, the Prince of Dale, covering him in honey and flower. Thankfully Bard found it humorous and war was not declared, at least officially. I have a feeling the Prince is plotting revenge. Should be interesting to see what he will do.
No doubt you have gotten the better deal with Percia. At least she seems to only point her mischief at the youngest Elf Prince.
I will have to take your word on your tomatoes as they were gone by the time I arrived at your home.
I hope you spill your inkwell.
Thorin Oakenshield
In Your Service
XOXOXO
Thorin,
Frustratingly Confounded Dwarf of Erebor,
First off, congratulations on the pending arrival. I am sure SHE will be a lovely addition to the family. I hope Fili and Reyna are blessed with many more. The poor boy mentioned his worry over being responsible for a young one, but given the care he showed his brother and with the support of his family I know he will do wonderfully. If SHE should turn out to have a bit of a mischievous streak, well, consider it pay back for all the tomfoolery Fili pulled.
As for lucking out. Do not let her innocent demeanor fool you. Percia may target Legolas more often than not, but she has pulled her fair share of shenanigans here in the Shire. Just last week she and some of the faunts let loose a crate full of toads into the market place, then proceeded to liberate several sweets in the mayhem.
For your information I am a wonderful host for housing a gaggle of Dwarrow with NO notice whatsoever. I was never told of your coming at any time, let alone a month before. Where ever did you get that notion? Had I agreed to have your party beforehand, I would have triple checked the date and made sure a feast was available. As it stood, Dwalin was my first notice of any visitors and he proceeded to eat MY dinner! Then when I tried to ask them why they had come to my smial, they ignored me and proceeded to pillage my pantry. Thank goodness Bag End had a fairly large pantry to feed you all. While I agree the plumbing was put to rights, there was still mud tread all in the carpets!
Granted, I didn't end up having to deal with that as I dropped everything that morning to run off with you lot. And given what occurred in my absence, I supposed I should thank you for making it a bit more difficult for my cousin.
In any case, I was the picture of a good host. So there!
If you ever stop by this way I will be sure to treat you to a meal with my PRIZE winning tomatoes. It would be a crime not to.
May your hammer fall on your foot.
Bilbo,
Your Friend
PS. I have enclosed notes from Hamfast Gamgee the best farmer in the Shire. It should help with the planning of larger crops, irrigation and what crops do well in what soil. I have spoken to my Uncle, the Thain, about sending some seedlings and other farming needs. I will let you know what he decides.
XOXOXO
Bilbo,
The Most Stubborn Hobbit in all of Arda,
Thank you and Master Gamgee for the notes. They were quite helpful and King Bard is very pleased with the progress they have allowed his people to make in the fields.
What do you mean no notice? Gandalf told us a month in advance that you had already agreed to be our burglar. Of course the fact you changed your mind upon meeting us and reading the contract had many of us rather cross with you. Though I admit, it makes far more sense that you were hearing it all for the first time given your reaction.
I suppose it is a good thing Bag End has large coffers, though I was unable to sample its bounty due to the ridiculous way you Hobbits have built your roads. Worse than a rabbit warren!
And what do you mean made it harder for your cousin? Did one of your family keep your home for you while you were gone? If you truly did run after us the following morning after having no notice of our arrival then I cannot imagine you had the time to make such arrangements.
Of course the plumbing was put to rights. We Dwarrow are not only great at crafting but in our engineering ability as well.
What is a Thain? Obviously a relation as you called him your uncle, but what is his position in the hierarchy of the Shire? For you to have to speak to him about sending us supplies indicates it is very high… Is he your king? You're related to the KING of the Hobbits! Will he even think to assist us after we absconded with you? Will I need to make reparations with him as well?
You confounded Hobbit! Why didn't you tell us you were royalty?! Do you know the ramifications this will cause!
I hope your quill brakes!
Thorin,
Ever at your service.
XOXOXO
Thorin,
Absurdly Nonsensical Dwarf of the mountain,
Not. A. King. My uncle simply holds a position of a mediator in the Shire. He's in charge of making sure any disputes unable to be handled by the local magistrate or the mayors is heard and properly decided upon. He also has the ability to call upon our Bounders (the Hobbit version of Rangers) in the event we ever need to protect the Shire from outsiders. Though that has only happened in very rare occasions. The Mayors of Michael Delving and Buckland handle most of it. Though Uncle is the one we go to when the Shire as a whole deals with outsides, but that is simply because the Tooks are more likely to deal with outsiders than any other family in the Shire. So he is not a King, the very notion is just silly.
You are very welcome for the notes. Hamfast has said if there are any questions to send them to me and he will answer them for you. My uncle has also agreed to send some seeds that tend to do well in the mountain climates, along with instructions on how to plant them. I believe there are some Rangers headed that way that he is trusting with them. Do be polite when you meet them, they are trusted allies of the Shire.
Of course GANDALF told you a month ahead. The old conjurer obviously lied to you! I swear, wizards and their games. The first time I had seen Gandalf before the company's eventful arrival was that morning. Before that I had not seen Gandalf since I was a tween, just after the Fell Winter. Even then it wasn't for long. Silly wizard, always up to something!
No, I did not entrust my home Bag End to any cousins. However, being gone for over a year with no notice is highly unusual in the Shire. One of my more… disagreeable cousins pushed the topic and managed to get me declared dead, thus taking over Bag End as her new home. I didn't have the heart to take it back upon my return. As I told Dis, Lobelia has children where I do not and… well I needed a change.
Percia and I now live in Buckland, in a rather nice little Smial. Considering we travel much more than I ever did before we really don't need so much space. It's also far easier to clean when she drags in all sorts of dirt and grime. Worse than a faunt that one. Remember that prank involving the frogs? Well she tried to bring them all home with her, claiming since she was a princess of the seas and all water creatures were apart of the sea, they were her 'subjects' and she had to 'provide' for them. Honestly! As if I'd let my home be overrun by a bunch of amphibians!
Hopefully you don't have to put of with this level of ridiculousness! Then again, perhaps you deserve it!
May Kili give you more grey hairs!
Bilbo,
Ever yours
XOXOXO
Bilbo,
Clearly Delusional Hobbit
That is exactly what a king does. They delegate the smaller problems but handle everything else, especially diplomacy with other kingdoms or peoples. Before you argue further, who was Thain before your cousin? I bet it was his father. And who will be Thain after him? A son perhaps?
Ergo, King.
I will be sure to send him a letter separately to thank him for his generosity in sending us supplies and perhaps suggest a beneficial trading agreement. You mentioned your people often have to go to Bree for farming tools. Perhaps the Dwarves of the Blue mountains can be of more assistance. Our works tend to last far longer than that of Men. Before you start scolding me, I believe I have every right to be proud of the work my people produce.
Part of me cannot believe that Gandalf did such a thing, yet another part of me finds it completely typical of the wizard. This knowledge certainly puts our first meeting in a new light.
Now on to far more important things.
What do you mean Bag End is no longer yours?! Do you mean to tell me your cousin was so odious that she actually forced the magistrate there to declare you dead, then had the gal to continue to live there despite your return?! How dare she! Does she not understand that you are hailed a hero, not just here in Erebor but in Dale and even Mirkwood? Say the word and you will have your home back post haste! I could even get that pounce Thranduil to join in this endeavor as he is inexplicably fond of you.
What is it with you and making friends with Elves? Honestly, you could be friends with anyone, but you constantly chose them.
In any case, I cannot in good conscience allow such a farce to continue. After all you sacrificed for our sakes, our home, to lose yours…
….
Dis has informed me that she has already spoken to you about this matter and you will not be swayed. As such I am not allowed to do anything, since it is fully your decision. Why she thinks she has any right to….
In any case I will leave it be. For now…
Should you wish to reclaim your rightful home just give the word and you will have an army at you call.
As for shenanigans, I wish Fili and Kili had done something as tame as trying to acquire amphibian subjects. One time they talked all of the younger Dwarrow into revolting in Ered Luin in an effort to take over the kingdom so they could make a law that cookies and other sweets were to be the staple meals and all vegetables in any form were to be banned permanently. The sad thing is they almost pulled it off. They had, wisely, chosen to launch their campaign when Dis and many of the mothers were gone for a meeting of Dwarrowdams. Thankfully we were able to contain them before the women found out.
I know you are likely laughing, but I assure you it was quite the fiasco.
I hope Percia continues to drive you to frustration,
Thorin,
Humbly yours.