Chapter 13

The car heads straight to the tree but then something Kylo should have expected, happens. The airbag deploys and cushions him as he is thrown forward while his seat belt pulls him back on his seat.

Ten years ago, his uncle's big car which was an old model didn't have an airbag and even if it did, he injured his hand on the side but this time, it's different. He has a head on collision with a tree. The airbag saves him and the fact that he is able to decelerate enough.

Kylo remains seated and shaken behind the wheel. For a split second, as he felt the jolt of the car hitting the tree, he really thought he will die and now, he wonders if it is fortunate that he is saved. He decides that it is.

Rey may not think so though. She probably wishes him dead.

He's glad that he's alive but it doesn't mean he can go to the hospital and risks seeing Rey. She's there by now, hovering over his uncle. He can't imagine her hovering over him.

Damn it, he's okay. A bit—a lot shaken that's all. He tastes his blood in his mouth where his incisors cut his lips on impact. He feels bruised all over and slightly dizzy. But he can bear to wait until he reaches his place in Canto Bight to see the doctor. In the meantime, he's aware he shouldn't drive to get there.

Reaching for his mobile phone, he dials for his troop. Someone can pick him up.

His troop then contacts someone from town to drive him to Canto Bight. His wait only lasts about several minutes.

As the car approaches, Kylo recognizes the boy behind the wheel. God damn it, it's Andy, Rey's friend.

—oOo—

In the car ride home to Canto Bight, Andy at first is giving Kylo Ren sidelong glances. And then his curiosity wins out over his fear. The boy asks him why he is leaving when Luke is still in the hospital. Kylo doesn't reply.

Kylo just looks on straight ahead. First, he has an accident and probably a concussion. Now, his head hurts and then Rey's friend is acting as if that friendship extends to him.

"Your uncle couldn't visit you even if he wanted to, you know," says Andy.

Kylo finally turns his head to glance at Andy. Just that morning, his uncle said the same thing: 'Even if I wanted to, I couldn't visit you at the hospital because I would see you, Leia, Han...all the people I let down.'

Kylo heard what his uncle had said but he didn't notice what was said. He wanted to leave, to walk away from his mistakes…that he didn't notice he was committing another mistake. He should have asked his uncle what he meant. Let him explain more about his side of the story.

"Luke had his first heart attack that night you were injured, you know," Andy revealed. "My father found him on the side of the road when he went to tow the damaged car."

Kylo snarls, "You're making that up! Mom and dad didn't saw him—"

"Yeah, the road was poorly lit even then and they weren't looking for a person hunched over but a car," Andy replies defensively. "Luke's great. He told dad he didn't want his family to know because his nephew needed the family around him more than he did."

—oOo—

In Canto Bight, the hospital checks Kylo's injuries and he is cleared to get home grudgingly. He is prescribed with pain medications and is advised to take things slow.

But as soon as Kylo arrives back in his home, in his real world, away from the cottage by the mountain, away from anyone's condemning eyes...he rages. He thrashes his living room, pushing his TV off the table, picking up his player and hurling it on the wall, smashing the glass top of the center table, just destroying everything in the room.

Then he sits down on the couch surveying the destruction before him.

The destruction...he has caused it. And he can pay money and have it fixed.

But he knows he destroyed something in Ahchto..something precious that he can never, ever fix.

Furthermore, once his uncle learns what he did to Rey...he'll never be forgiven.

—oOo—

Kylo calls the Ahchto hospital daily, getting reports from nurse Mitaka of how his uncle is doing on the day of the surgery and onward.

He doesn't speak to his uncle though. Not yet. His shame is such that he knows he can't.

For ten years he had harbored a resentment. And that resentment had blinded him on what he was doing to Rey.

He's letting go of his resentment now. He has forgiven his uncle.

He wants to be Ben again. And the first thing he must do is talk to his uncle. So on the fourth day, on the day his uncle is due to go home from the hospital to his cottage by the mountain, he asks nurse Mitaka if he can speak to his uncle.

The phone is given to Luke.

"I know everything now, uncle Luke," Kylo admits, "And I understand the guilt you felt at the time." It's the same guilt he carries around, the same one that prevents him from going back to that cottage to see Luke and...most especially Rey.

"Everything?"

"I told mom and dad too. I told them I'll talk to you first though."

"I see. And now they're planning to visit?" Luke says with a grunt.

"Probably."

"I'm going home," Luke mentions. "Can you give me a lift?"

Kylo shakes his head even if his uncle can't see it. "No. I can't."

"Why not?"

"Rey..."

"What about Rey?" Luke asks.

"Ask her to give you a ride home."

"So you did leave."

"Did you ever doubt that I would?"

"Rey didn't mention that you already left. Although come to think of it, she doesn't mention you at all." Luke continues with a reproachful tone, "I thought you were just staying away from the hospital...sulking since you thought wrongly that I choose Rey over you."

She doesn't mention him at all...Luke still doesn't know his sins. Rey must be bottling everything inside her. "Rey..." Kylo pauses. "How is she?"

"She'll be arriving any minute now. You can talk to her. Find out how she is."

"I have a meeting in a minute. I just called to tell you to take care of yourself. Bye. I'll try to call again." And with that, Kylo abruptly switches off his phone, his heart pounding. He doesn't think he'll ever be ready to talk to Rey.

There are times for the past few days that the only thing that keeps him sane is the memory of having her in his arms. But even that is marred in his memory.

One day soon maybe he can listen to her voice on the phone. Maybe he can pretend to be composed on the line. He will never burden Rey. He will never ever plead to her for something he knows she can never give—her love.

It's weird that he can't see blood pouring from his veins because the pain is tearing up his flesh. It hurts just to breathe, it hurts just to think, it hurts everyday to convince himself that everything will be fine.

He fucked up so big...that being sorry doesn't mean anything.

It won't mean anything to Rey.

And everyday that thought kills him. And everyday he tries to live so that Rey can have her revenge on him even if Rey doesn't even know she's doing that.

Kylo just can't be Ben again. The mistakes he made are just too great.

—oOo—

~4 10,11 18 AF P 4 14 18~