Fuck you father, and fuck you Glen for causing this. All I could hear my father say throughout all this was, "You wanna be fucking gay? Well then, here, be gay." And he would do whatever he felt like doing to be after that. He continued to say it over and over, taunting me like I had no power, no control, that I would convert to being straight. I don't have a choice in the matter, and there's no way he could scare me away from being who I am.
"What the fuck? Get the hell off her!" Glen came running into the room and he say our father punching me in the gut. I saw Glen throw him against the wall and give him a nice long, hard punch to his jaw. "What the hell are you doing to Spencer?!" Glen yelled at him.
I was extremely nauseated and my vision was blurring because my eyes were filling up with tears. No, go away, I can't show him I cry. Go away tears. I closed my eyes and tried to force them back. They wouldn't budge. My father quickly flipped the switch on Glen and had him pressed up against the wall. My father took out his pocket knife and held it to Glen's throat.
This was all my brother's fault, but I can't just stand here and watch. That's not who I am. I went over to my father and started pounding on his arms, trying to pull them away, but his grip was too strong. He pushed me down and I hit my head on the corner of my bed. Holy shit, that one hurt. I reached back barely feeling the pain anymore because it hurt everywhere on my body. I wiped my brow, at least it didn't break skin, but it's going to leave a large bump or something.
I heard my father tell Glen with his very dominating and demanding voice. It's not his usual voice, this voice would scare even Hulk Hogan. "You fucking tell anyone about this son, and you won't be talking for weeks. Just try it, I'll have you in my mental institution telling all the other crazies."
Glen spit in his face, "Fuck you dad," He looked over at me. He actually looked like he felt bad for me, like he should have stood up for me sooner or he should have known. My father laughed and smirked at Glen. He turned to look at me like he was expecting me to laugh to.
He let go of Glen, then gave him a hard, powerful punch in his abdomen. Glen clutched himself and fell to his knees. Arthur walked over to me and picked me up by my hair, I thought it was all going to rip out of my scalp. "Fine, Glen tell anyone...and your sister well has it. He held the knife up to my throat. I pleaded with my eyes to Glen, fuck Glen just don't tell anyone. I can take care of myself, I've lived with these beatings my whole life.
"Well?!" My dad screamed as he grabbed more of my hair and placed the cold blade against my neck. "Say a word son, and Spencer here---well you'll find out what I can really do to shut someone up." He threw me on the floor and walked over my body. He slammed the door as he left.
Glen came running by my side, "I'm so sorry, I didn't--"
"Fuck off. Get away, leave me alone. You did this to me, you fucking outed me to dad! How could you!?" I hit his hand away as he continuously tried to help me up. I slowly, but surely stood up on my own. I can do this alone, I always have. Plus, I'm pissed off at Glen and I almost hate him right now and hate is a strong word I hate using.
"I didn't know! I was just--"
I'm not in the mood to listen to whatever excuse he has, "Just trying to hurt me? Get me in trouble? Well, congratulations! You did both! Now, fuck off." I walked over to my bed and sat. I'm not feeling so well. My dad was harsh tonight and I can't take all these emotions.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I had no idea he did this--"
"No you didn't. Now you do, so leave me alone." I crossed my arms and kept giving him the coldest look I could manage.
"I--I'm--"
"You're sorry, great. Sorry isn't going to go back in time and NOT tell dad I'm gay, is it? So if you want to do me any good right now, you'll leave."
Glen finally took the hint and bowed his head as he walked out of the room. I probably made him feel extremely bad, but did I care? Nope. Because if it wasn't for him telling my dad about me, I would be perfectly fine. My dad wouldn't have done this, God damnit, I cannot wait to get the fuck out of this house and far, far away. I don't know how much longer I can take these beatings...and now that Glen knows, I don't know if he will keep his mouth shut. He better, or else it will only get worse for me. I've never seen my father that serious before in his life. I know he'd take my life in an instant, if his reputation was at risk.
I cannot wait for a new day tomorrow. A new day brings somewhat peace to my mind. I searched for my hidden stash of valium under my mattress and popped a few. I needed a nice long rest. Plus, it took away most of the pain after nights like this. I laid on my back and looked at my ceiling. Soon, my ceiling disappeared and I was fast in my slumber.
"Mommy! Mommy!" Spencer ran on top of her mother and tried waking her up. "Come on! It's time to unwrap the presents!" Spencer violent shook her mother with all her might. Paula woke up smiling and slowly rubbed her eyes.
"Is that my little Spencey-Wencey?" Paula smiled as she yawned.
"Mom!! I wanna open presents!" Spencer jumped on top of her mother than she moved to the bed and started to hop on the bed. "No more monkeys jumping on the bed!" Spencer shouted off as she kept jumping. She was off in her own happy world.
Paula sat up and pulled her daughter down on top of her. She started to tickle Spencer's side as she giggled. "Mom! Oww that hurts! It tickles, it tickles!" Spencer laughed out as she squirmed in her mother's arms.
"Happy birthday!" Glen shouted as he helped tickled Spencer on the sides.
"Ahh, Glen, Mom! I can't breathe!" Spencer laughed, hardly as her lungs were working double time. She was a happy little girl waiting for her birthday presents that her mommy promised.
"You're daddy's on his way home, you're going to love it! It's exactly what you asked for!" Paula smiled as she hopped out of bed and ran to her closet. She threw on her silk robe and picked up Spencer from the bed and tucked her under her arm. She was eight years old but she was still very small and extremely excited for her birthdays. It was her favorite holiday, because it was all about her.
Paula carried Spencer down the stairs and sat her at the table. "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear my favorite daughter Spencer! Happy birthday to you!!" Paula regained her breath and then clapped and encouraged Spencer to blow out the candles.
"Yay daddy's home!" Spencer shouted and clapped as she blew out her eight candles.
"It's daddy!" Arthur stood at the door and held out his arms, "Come here my favorite daughter!"
Spencer jumped down from her chair and ran into her father's arm. She gave him a nice loving embrace and held him tight as if she loved him. "Daddy what did you get me!" Spencer smiled and stood anxiously.
"Aw, no kiss on the cheek first?" Arthur pointed to his cheek and waited for Spencer to kiss him on the cheek. Spencer shyly waited and then kissed him on the cheek.
"Now, what did you get me?" She innocently smiled.
"Spencer, you're not my daughter. You're gay, you're disgusting, I'd love nothing more than to disown you." Arthur stood up and looked down at the little girl, who quickly became the full grown teenage Spencer.
"What did you say daddy?" Spencer asked as her eyes diverted to the floor and her tears starting streaming down her face.
"I have you're present." Arthur turned around, pulled out a butcher knife and stabbed Spencer in the abdomen. Spencer's face light up and she gasped for air as she clenched her wound.
Holy shit. Fuck, that was one fucked up dream. I sat up and clenched my stomach as I gasped for air. That was intense, that felt fucking real. Damn, I'm pretty sure I hate my father. Somehow in this messed up head of my mine I miss my father and how we used to be.
I lifted up my shirt because that dream felt more than real and made sure my father really didn't stab me. I looked out the window and saw the sun starting to rise. I need a good run. Running usually takes things off my mind and running always gets me somewhere. Helps me clear my mind. I threw on some sweats and headed down the steps. I was a little sore from the -- incident that happened last night, but I had wallowing in my own sorrows so I decided to run.
It's like when you're really sick and you know if you just stay home and sleep all day it will only get worse because you're just wallowing in how sick you are. I hate doing that because then I'd just start feeling sorry for myself, so I need to suck it up and run. Push all my thoughts to the back of my brain and forget everything for those minutes I'm running. Just run as the cars pass me by and as I say hi to the fellow joggers to the same thing at five in the morning. I laced up my running shoes and did exactly that.
I finished my refreshing run and hopped in the shower. I realized today was my last day of finals and then I was out for winter break. Woo, fucking hoo, that means more time spent at home, watching Ashley make out with dumb Glen and watching Kyla and Aiden be all happy---while I have pushed away the only girl who wanted me. Great ending, to a great year.
Whatever, I just need to finish my shower and then pass this final. Only one more semester of this shit, then I'm out of this place. The only thing I'll regret leaving behind is Kyla, I just don't know if I can do that. I wouldn't know if dad would use his horrible tactics on her and I've bared it throughout all these years just so she wouldn't have to.
"Hey what are you doing here?" I looked at Ashley in the eyes as I finished pulling over my sweater.
"Glen asked me to give you a ride. That's all I'm here for." Ashley said harshly. Oh right, I was kind of a bitch to her yesterday but whatever it's understandable.
"Oh, well thanks, ready?" I said as I grabbed my back pack and threw it over my right shoulder.
"Yup." She said as she walked out of the door and started up the car. This was all done in silence and I don't blame her. I'm just wondering why Glen didn't give me a ride to school today. Guess if I was him I couldn't like myself in the eye either. He probably couldn't deal with that fact that our Catholic-never-do-anything-wrong father hits his precious daughter. So I guess I can understand why he is avoiding me. Whatever not like I want to see his stupid ass anyways. I'd just rather be a bitch to him than Ashley.
"Why don't you like me anymore!?" Ashley shouted as she pounded on wheel. She looked over at me and then looked back at the road. Damn these past days have been intense. I can't catch a break, can I?
"Can't we just get me to school in one piece?" I continued to watch the scenery pass by. I wasn't in the mood to defend myself or put up an argument.
"So, what? You're just going to pretend nothing ever happened between us?" Ashley sneered at me.
Fine, whatever if she wants this. I slapped my thighs before I spoke, "No it's not that at all! It's ---I like you too fucking much. Pull over up here! I'll walk the rest of the way!" I whipped open my door as the car was still in motion. I was about to roll out of the car and start walking. But instead she sped up, making in impossible me to get out alive.
"No! I want to do this, finish this!"
"Finish what? We never started!"
"Just, I need to know. Do you still like me?" Ashley's voice got lower, but she was still demanding answers.
"Fuck, I already said yes! Let me out!" She parked in front of the school and I ran up the steps and I wasn't more excited to get to my final. I can't deal with all this. I need a week or two just to gather everything, so I can just go back to my normal composed self. I've never yelled so much in a day before, especially at someone I cared for.