So sorry if there was any mix up last week. The site's emailing system was delayed so I ended up posting the chapter twice. Hopefully everything is working well this time around. To all my unsigned reviewers I just want to say thank you all for reading and your continuous support. The rest of you, I responded in person so no shout outs for you this week. LOL! =)

Everyone I suggest you go back read Phoenix again, you'll notice something different. Although, I don't think it's going to make a difference once you get to the end of this chapter. Some of you will be glad you stuck around and ignored the opening remarks chapter. ;)

Chapter 12- Killing Her Softly

Elliot rushes down the hall, desperate to see her. He finds her sitting up in bed gazing out the window. She turns and smiles up at him.

"Took you long enough. Only 2hrs. You use the cherry?"

He bypasses her sarcasm and rushes to her side to pull her into his arms. He holds her tight and she lets him. He feels her heart beat against his chest. Hears her breath in his ears as she inhales deeply and exhales slowly. He pulls away to get a good look at her. She's almost as good as new.

"Howya doin'?'

"Ok. Some muscle weakness, but I guess that's to be expected after spending four months in a coma. Doc says after some physical therapy I'll be good to go home, but I'm going to need some more work even after I'm released. Gotta gain back some muscle mass. How're the twins? Gosh, they must be so big now."

"Not that big. They're still babies."

"They probably don't even remember who I am. Are they talking yet? They must be running all over the place now."

"Yea they are. Kathy can barely keep up with them. They don't talk too much, though. Small words. Like "milk," "baba," "Dadda," some other stuff I can't really understand. They have their own language now, so they talk gibberish to each other. Lizzie and Dickie had one too, and they're starting to repeat everything."

Elliot stares and watches as her eyes shimmer with delight. "Do they say Mama?" She asks.

"Not that I've heard."

"I can't wait to see them."

"I know, I would have brought them, but I wasn't sure about your condition. I didn't want to bring them here if you weren't ready."

"You're right. I don't want them to see me here like this. I'll wait until I'm released, but I miss them so much."

"I understand."

"So catch me up. Tell me what I've missed the last four months."

XII

A week later Elliot pulls into his driveway and turns off his ignition. He hurries around to the other side of the Ford Explorer and opens the door before helping Olivia out. She uses him for support as she slowly, but surely, steps down out of the vehicle. Once she's out Elliot closes the door behind her. She links arms with him as they carefully walk up to his door. While she's gained most of her strength back she is still not 100% and relies on him for support.

"Thanks so much for letting me stay here until I'm fully back to normal. I really appreciate it."

"Are you kidding me? You're family, Liv. If you need my help you know I'm always here for you."

"Thanks. Remind me to call Casey once we get in. She made me promise to call her as soon as we entered the state of New York, but clearly I've already missed that boat."

"It's Ok. She called when you were sleeping. She should be pulling up here any minute."

They make their way up the steps and as soon as they reach the door it flies open. Kathy stands in the doorway with Kaleb settled on her hip. Kalea toddles up behind her with a sippy cup held to her lips. Olivia smiles immediately and reaches for her son. Kathy hands him over and Olivia ignores the strain and holds him close. Glad to have him back in her arms after such a long period of time. Kaleb whines and reaches back for Kathy.

"Mama," he cries as he reaches for her.

The world freezes.

Everyone stands in a state of shock, except for Kalea who has found something more interesting and runs off to investigate. Olivia is in such a state of shock that when Kaleb stretches out of her arms she does nothing to keep him from falling. Kathy catches him, and he immediately quiets once settled in her arms.

"Olivia," Elliot says slowly. He knows. He knows exactly what is going through her head. Exactly what she's thinking and he knows that he needs to squash this fast before it gets out of control.

He's too late.

"Why the hell is my son calling her 'Mama?'" She seethes.

"It's not what you think. He picked it up from the kids," Kathy tries to explain.

"Since when do your kids call you Mama?"

"Olivia," Elliot tries. "It was just a mistake. He doesn't know any better."

"Give me my son!" Olivia demands.

"Olivia, let's just calm down and talk about this." Kaleb begins to cry and buries his face in Kathy's neck. Kaley comes over, intrigued by the loud voices. Dickie and Lizzie also peer down from upstairs and around corners, drawn by Olivia's tone and voice.

"No. I have nothing to talk about. I'm taking my kids and going back to Boston."

"No, you're not. We're going to sit down and talk about this like adults."

"Since when have you ever been the one to sit down and talk about anything that upsets you? You'd rather punch lockers or beat up perps than talk. Give me my son!" she says again to Kathy.

"Olivia, I can't let you leave with them like this," Elliot intervenes.

Olivia ignores his attempts at negotiating and turns her attention back to Kathy. "I'm going to tell you one more time, to give me my child or else."

"Or else what?" Kathy shoots back. "You know, you have a lot of nerve. After everything we've done-"

"Kathy," Elliot warns, cutting her off in the process.

"What? You're brave now just because I can't physically take you?" Olivia chastises. "Give me my child or I'm having you both arrested for kidnapping."

"You can't do that," Elliot protests.

"If you continue to keep him from me I can and I will. I don't fuck around when it comes to my kids. You think you would have learned that by now."

"We try to help you and this is how you repay us," Kathy asks, astonished by Olivia's attitude.

"You're trying to take my children from me! You're trying to replace me as their mother, and it's not going to happen. Elliot, make your wife hand over my son or so help me God I'm dialing 911 and having her arrested." She says and pulls out her cell phone. Her hand trembles as the adrenaline courses through her veins and she stares at him with all seriousness in her eyes.

"Kathy, give her Kaleb."

"Elliot, you're not going to let her-"

"Did you not just hear her? Give her the baby!"

Kathy hands over Kaleb, much to his distaste. He cries and screams and tries desperately to get out of Olivia's grasp. "Where are their things? I want everything you took from my house."

"Go get her stuff," Elliot orders Kathy and she stares at him in disbelief before disappearing to do as she was told.

Casey hurries up the walk way after seeing some of the commotion from her car. "What's going on?"

Olivia hands over her son to her. "Take him. We're leaving."

Casey takes the screaming child and pulls some maneuvers to juggle him correctly. "Elliot what's going on?"

"Don't ask," he says as he watches Olivia barely lift Kaley and bring her outside.

Ten minutes later Casey's car is packed and she speeds off. Elliot watches the car disappear and heads back into the house. He marches upstairs and finds his wife sitting dazed on their bed.

"What the hell was that, Kathy?" he asks as he grabs his duffle and begins stuffing it with clothes and toiletries.

"I should be asking you the same thing. How could you take her side over mine?"

"I'm sorry if I want to keep you out of jail and my job and be able to see my kids sometime in the near future. You heard her, she was about to call the cops!"

"She was not about to call the cops. She was bluffing."

"Believe me, Olivia doesn't bluff, not when it has to do with those kids." He heads into the bathroom and she follows behind him.

"You act like you're not a cop, too. They wouldn't arrest you."

"They wouldn't have a choice. I would know. I am a cop as you were so kind to point out for me."

"Well you could have taken her cell phone or something! You just stood there! You didn't even try to do anything to help."

He turns to face her, "And what would you have liked me to do? Tackle her while you grab her cell phone then hog tie her and toss her in the basement?"

"Don't be ridiculous. You could have talked to her."

He brushes past her and tosses some toiletries into the bag. "I tried. You saw, she wasn't hearing anything I was trying to say."

"Well, you weren't trying to say much! You could have made her come inside. Sat her down so we could talk about this! Held onto the twins until she calmed down a little."

"And have her use that against me court? Are you kidding me? She has full physical custody! Do you know that that means? I only have visitation. If I try to keep them from her she can have me tossed in jail for kidnapping. Her lawyer probably would have made it federal for carrying them across state lines without her permission. The brass would have had my badge and glock by the end of the day and then where would we be? Not to mention I might never see them again," he says nonsensically as he wanders around the room searching for things he may have missed. "Shit, I should have asked where they were going," he mumbles to himself as he zips up his bag, turns and races down the steps.

"Elliot!" Kathy calls and follows behind him. "Are you just going to leave like that? We're not even finished talking about this!"

"I can't deal with you right now. I need to find her and talk to her and see if we can work some things out."

"Work things out? Elliot, why don't you be honest with me about what this really is about?"

"It's about my kids, what do you think it's about?" He turns to look at her and his heart breaks when he sees her eyes filled with tears.

"You're in love with her."

"Kathy…" he warns.

"You think I don't know? See, that was your problem the first time. You thought I was oblivious to everything, and silly me. Taking you back because I thought you had changed. That was my mistake."

"What are you talking about? I never-"

"You fell in love with her back then, and you've fallen in love with her now. I know you, Elliot. Do you think I don't know that the real reason you're running over there is to be with her?"

"Kathy I can't…I can't have this conversation with you right now."

"Then when? When will you have time for me. Your wife. The mother of your first four kids."

"Kathy, if I don't go now and try to fix this..."

"Stop using them as an excuse."

"They're not an excuse, they're my kids! My kids! If you know me so well, then you know what they mean to me. What each and every one of them mean to me. I care about all my kids and if I don't do something right now I might not get the chance to see them again! God, you have no idea what you've done! Things were working out great between us. She was giving me a break on the child support, letting me stay with her when I went to visit so that we, as in you and I, could save some money. Olivia and I were actually getting along. And you have to go and fuck things up! You have no idea how much damage you've caused? Do you even get what you've fucking done?" Kathy stares at him with tear-filled eyes. The guilt palpable on her face. He shakes his head. "I can't even look at you right now."

Tears stream down her face as the door closes behind him, and she realizes that she may have just lost her husband.

XII

Elliot races across town to Casey's apartment. After several minutes of knocking he knows that his first assumption is right. They have gone back to Boston. He climbs back into his car and makes the long dive to the Bay State. As he drives, he thinks of things to tell her. To ease her pain. To help her understand, He finds that he does not have much to work with. If the same had happened to him, he would be livid. His kids mean the world to him, and having them know him and recognize him as their father is everything to him. It's why he's fought so hard for each and every one of them. For them to know him and know how much he loves them. To love him in return. To know he would die for each and every one of them.

He also thinks about his wife's words. She was right. He is in love with Olivia. She means more to him than just a friend, or partner, or the mother of his children. She's the woman he is in love with, but he's also in love with his wife. She has been his constant for more than twenty years. She's loved him when he truly believed no one else would, and now he's hurting her. He's hurting her with his lies and his denials, because he cannot admit to his wife that he's in love with another woman.

He arrives at her apartment sometime that evening and knocks on her door. She doesn't answer. He knows she's being stubborn. She's angry with him and wants him to go away. Too bad he has other plans.

"Olivia. I have a key and I'm not afraid to use it!"

She appears moments later with their daughter settled on her hip. "What do you want Elliot?"

Kaley immediately recognizes him and reaches for her father, causing Olivia to strain with the effort to keep her from falling. He helps her out by taking the little girl from her. "Olivia, you know why I'm here."

"Yea, and I don't want to talk about it."

"Olivia-" he tries but she cuts him off.

"If you're worried about me changing anything about our custody agreement, don't. Everything will stay the same. You're just going to have to find someplace else to stay because I can't do this with you anymore."

"Do what?"

She sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. "Never mind. Give me Kalea and you can go."

"Where's Casey?"

"She left. She has a big case in court tomorrow and couldn't stay."

"Well, then I am. You're going to need some help. Doctor's orders."

"Please, Elliot," she begs. She closes her eyes for a moment in an effort to keep her tears at bay, but they bleed through anyway.

His heart aches as he watches the pain on her face. He steps through the door and pulls her against him. "Go get some rest. I'll take care of the kids, put them to bed."

"Elliot-"

"You eat yet?" He asks, cutting her off. He knows that she wants him to leave so that she can sit back and lick her wounds in private, but he knows that if he leaves her alone, the damage will be irreparable, and he has no intentions of allowing that to happen. She shakes her head no, and he nods, walking her in the direction of her bedroom. "Go relax. I'll go get us some food then put the twins to bed. Go on."

She decides not to fight him. She's too tired and too weak to argue with him now. She simply goes to her bedroom and closes the door behind her.

XII

Elliot finishes pulling out the sofa bed and sits to take a chance to relax. The twins have both been fed, bathed, and put to bed. Olivia still hasn't come out of her room. He had brought her dinner to her over an hour ago, but hasn't heard from her since. His phone buzzes in his pocket for what feels like the millionth time, and he decides to answer it.

"Yea, Kath." He answers knowingly.

"Elliot! Where have you been? I've been calling you all evening! I was beginning to worry."

"I'm at Olivia's, you know that."

She is quiet for a moment. "Well, did you get there ok?"

"Yea."

"When are you coming home?"

"I'm staying here for the rest of the week, I need to help Liv, with the twins. She's not going to get any better if she keeps on straining herself to take care of them."

"Ok," she replies back, and he knows she is anything but ok. "Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do to help?" she asks.

"I think you've done enough."

There is a long pause before she speaks again, and he can hear the hitch in her voice when she says, "El, are we ok?"

"I don't know, Kathy. Liv's very upset, and I'm not too happy either."

"Elliot, I never meant for all this to happen. It was an accident. They picked it up from the kids."

"Then why didn't you correct them? When did this even start happening?"

"About a month ago."

"So why didn't you correct them?"

"I thought-I figured what's the point. You know?" Her voice cracks. "I thought she was going to die," she sobs, "and then it would just be us. You know? I didn't see what the harm would be if they called me Mama. I figured they were going to be my kids anyway, you know?"

"The harm is they're not your kids, Kathy. Whether Olivia is around or not, you are not their mother."

"So you're taking her side on this."

"I'm not taking sides, Kath. You were wrong and we both know it. What happened to her today was my worst fear come to life before my very eyes. Now I get why she's fought so hard to keep me out of their lives. It was about you as much as it was about me, and all she was trying to do was to keep you from replacing her yet again. Do you understand the damage you have done? How hard it is going to be for me to see them now. How hard it's going to be for our relationship For our kids. For Kaleb and Kalea? You're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself and hoping that I'll forgive you and you're not even thinking about everyone else that you've affected. Did you ever take a second to consider how she feels right now?"

"Yes! Of course I did, and I know, El. I know I was wrong, but… I need you to forgive me. I made a mistake, but do you know how hard this is for me. How hard it's been. I mean, what if I had gotten pregnant with another man's baby? How would you have taken it? How would you deal? You disappear every other weekend and every time I see you pull out of our driveway, I wonder if this is the weekend that you'll give in to your feelings and get back with her. I've been walking on eggshells and living in fear for over a year now, and I'm sorry El, but I don't know if I can do it anymore."

Silence. He takes a deep breath and lets out a long sigh. "Look, I don't really know what to say to you right now."

He listens to her cry and he realizes that he is the root of everyone's turmoil. His actions. His feelings. His decisions.

Him.

"El," she says softly.

"Yea, Kath?"

"Don't."

"What?"

"Just…don't," she sighs.

And to him that can mean a thousand things, and he's pretty sure she means every one of them.

"I love you," she whispers softly.

"I love you, too. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight Kathy." He hangs up the phone and falls back against the pillows.

Fuck.

He hears her pad lightly into the kitchen and waits for her to return. She exits the kitchen and is startled to find him staring at her. "Thanks for the dinner," she says solemnly, avoiding eye contact.

"You're welcome. Was the food ok?"

"Yea, that was good Mexican. Where did you find it?"

"Google. Some restaurant called Borders."

She nods. "The kids go down for bed all right?"

"Yea."

She nods again. "K. Goodnight."

"Olivia," he says and she knows. She can tell from the sound of his voice that he wants to talk about it, and she's not. Ready. Her emotions are too raw, and her thoughts are too irrational. She's not ready to have this conversation.

"Elliot, I don't want to talk about this now."

"Well, we're going to. You have to know I didn't know they were calling her mom."

"It doesn't matter. It shouldn't have happened."

"You're right, and it will never happen again. I promise you."

"You're damn right it's not happening again. They're never going back to that house and she's not allowed within 10 feet of them."

"Now, Olivia-"

"What if it was you! What if you were standing there, dumbfounded that your kids were calling someone else 'Daddy'? You think I don't know? That it's the real reason why you hate Sydney so much, when all he's done is try to help me when you weren't around to do so?"

"I wanted to be around. I still do, but you picked up and moved and-" he sees her primed and ready to fight back, but he stops her before she can say anything. "You know what. Never mind. You're right. I'd be livid. Olivia, I understand. I-"

"No, you don't. You don't understand, because it wasn't you, and until then you will never understand. You will never know the pain I'm in right now."

"That's not true-"

"If you did understand, you wouldn't be trying to make this ok. They're my kids. My kids! They're literally all I have. The only family I know and you let her replace me."

"I didn-"

"You did. You took them from my home and brought them there and let her replace me as their mother, and what's so funny," she laughs to herself. "What's so funny is that I knew this would happen. I knew the second that I gave you the chance to even think about replacing me you would do it, and…you did. I don't know why I thought better of you. I don't know why I keep giving you chance after chance when all you do is prove me wrong. Every time. All the horrible things I thought you would never do, never be…you just prove me wrong. And I'm so sick and tired of it. I don't understand why you don't want me to be happy. You make me think you're in love with me, and then you go back to your wife once you realize it makes me happy to be with you. You don't even have the balls to tell me that you went back to her. I have to walk in on you about to screw her to find out," she chokes on her tears and takes a deep breath to clear her throat, "to find out you don't want me anymore. You tarnish the weekend by telling her everything that happened like it meant nothing to you when it meant everything to me! Then I move away to give you what you want and you follow me, claiming you want to be a father to my kids, when the reality is you just want to continue making my life a living hell."

"Olivia, that's not true. None of that is true. Those were my kids and they needed a father. If I didn't fight for them who would?"

"They don't need you as their father. I love those kids, but God, I hate you so much, right now. And what's worse. What's worse about it is that you make me feel like a shit mother because there are days that like today where I regret the fact that I ever met you, that I ever loved you. That I ever slept with you, and I hate myself because I know if none of that never happened then I wouldn't have had them," she swipes at her tears. "But if there was a way, that I could go back and never have met you, but still keep them…I would do it in a heartbeat."

"You don't mean that, you're hurt and angry-"

"Why didn't you just let me die?" she asks, and he has to wonder if she's being serious. "Did you want me to live just so you could torture me some more?"

"Olivia. that's enough," he growls, his patience wearing thin. "Do you even hear yourself and how ridiculous you sound?"

"Or were you just waiting for the right time?" she continues, ignoring his question. "Huh? Is that it?"

"Enough," he warns as he moves towards her.

"You were just waiting for the right time to pull the plug so that you could go on playing happy families with my kids."

"Olivia," he warns again as he moves even closer.

"But you didn't want people to see you for the selfish bastard that you really are."

He grabs her by the upper arms and shakes her hard. "I said enough!" he roars. "You're so fucked up and cynical and damaged that you can't even see when someone is there for you. When someone is trying to do good."

"You-"

"Don't. Speak. I agonized for days and weeks over you. Months. Everyone told me you wouldn't want to live on life support. You wouldn't want to live your life that way. Having people wipe your ass and feed you a liquid lunch through an IV tube. And I knew more than anyone else how much that was true. So I prayed, and I fasted, and I asked God so many times to give me the strength to let you go. To stop loving you, and you're so ungrateful that you can't even see how much I love you. I'm here buying your groceries, picking up dinner, waiting on you hand and foot. I took a week off without pay to be here for you and you still think that I don't give a damn about you."

She shakes off his grasp and stares at him with red rimmed eyes. "Then why is it that all you do is hurt me? If you care for me, so much, and you love me, so much, then why is it that all you seem to do is bring me down?" she asks softly. "You claim I'm damaged and cynical. How the fuck do you think I got this way?"

"Oh my God how long are you going to blame me for what happened! I've apologized a million times-"

"No! You've made excuses for it. 'I'm sorry you got hurt, but I'm not sorry for what I did' doesn't really count as an apology in my book. You sit there and act like I'm supposed to forgive you for something you're not even sorry for!" She roars at him, and all he can do is stare at her. She shakes her head. "You should have just let me die when you had the chance. It would have been easier on everyone that way."

She leaves him there, stunned. He watches her as she heads back to her room and when the door closes behind her, she finally allows hers tears to fall, and on the other side of the door, he lets his fall too.

XII

He lies awake and thinks about everything that has just happened. All the words that have been exchanged between them. It hurts him, and he feels guilty. It was never his intention to hurt her. It was never his intention to cause her this much pain. He finally understands everything. Throughout this whole ordeal she hasn't been herself. She's been selfish, she's been mean. She's been irrational and immature, and he can't blame her for any of it. For every bit he's fought to be in his children's lives, she's fought just as hard to keep him out. Keep him away. So she could have them to herself. So she could hold onto what's hers, so that he wouldn't take them away from her. So that she could move onto a life without him, but he has managed to inadvertently and sometimes advertently thwart those plans. He wants to say that it was because of his kids and his need to be a solid father figure in their lives, but he knows otherwise and cannot lie to himself. He can lie to his wife, but he can't lie to himself. Not when he already knows the truth. He needs her in his life. For the past eight years she has always been his constant, and when others had failed him or left him standing in the cold, she had always been there to comfort him and give him a shoulder to lean on. Even when she would end up being the one left behind. He's sorry, and he hopes that one day she will understand that while many of his actions may have been selfish or to his own benefit and happiness they were never meant to hurt her. The last thing he would ever want to do is cause her pain. He doesn't want to be filed away in that box of people that have let her down, and can no longer be trusted, but he knows that's where she's placed him. Unless there is somewhere deeper and darker for him to be placed.

He doesn't want to be there. He doesn't want to be yet another person she can't trust. He forgot a long time ago, that she was a victim. He forgot the she was the product of an unspeakable evil, that she was forced to pay for the sins of a father she never knew, tortured for causing her mother a pain she would never understand. She has endured pain and abuse that she will never ever be able to forget, and for all that he has labeled her a victim. She would kill him if he knew he ever thought of her that way, but he still feels that it's true. He forgot that as strong as she is, as hard as she is perceived on the outside, there's still a part of her on the inside that is fragile. A part of her that had relied on him for its protection, and he hurt her when he left it defenseless, betrayed her when he shattered it himself. He doesn't want to be this person. So he has to make amends. Has to let her know how he feels.

He gets up and walks quietly into her bedroom. He closes the door behind him and then lays beside her in bed. He turns her toward him and she stares at him with red, tear filled eyes.

"I'm sorry," he says simply. "For every ounce of pain I ever caused you. For the actions that caused it. For everything. I'm sorry."

"Elliot," she whispers.

"No. You have to understand. I'm not a bad man. I'm not a bad person. My intensions have never been to hurt you, but I admit I've been careless when it comes to you, and I have neglected to consider your feelings when making decisions and I'm sorry."

"I know you're not a bad man, Elliot. As easy as it would be to believe it, I know you are not a bad man."

"I love you."

She closes her eyes, to hold in the pain, but her tears bleed through nonetheless. "Don't," her voice cracks, and she covers his lips with her fingertips to keep him from killing her softly with his words.

He removes her hand and kisses those same tips. "I wasn't lying about what I said out there Liv. Almost losing you for real made me realize how much you mean to me. I can't remember the last time I was more scared of anything in my life. I love you. Not as my friend or my family, or anything else, just as the woman you are. I love. You. I'm in love with You," he says and he touches his lips to her mouth.

She sobs out loud and he swallows it. He swallows her sadness and his hands brush away her tears. His tongue delves into the depths of her mouth and he makes love to her. His hands pull away her sheets and removes her tank top. His lips kiss her face, her cheeks, her neck, her collar bone, her mouth. He moves down and takes a beaded nipple into his mouth and she moans above him. He kisses her heart and feels it beat against his lips. He pulls down her pants, taking her underwear with them. He removes his own clothing then covers her shivering, naked body with the warmth of his own, warming her chilled skin with his love. His mouth never leaves hers as he settles inside her and pushes gently, afraid he may cause her more pain. He falls deep inside her and his brain is flooded with the memories of that weekend. Her arms surround him and he makes love to her tenderly and full of passion. He tangles his hands in the long soft curls of her hair. He feels his heart race against hers and her body clenches him as he thrusts deep into her soul. She holds onto him so tight and moans softly into his mouth. She comes softly around him, but her body grips him so tight and he spills himself deep inside her.

He pulls her close to him and rolls them so that her head rests against his chest. As his heart rate evens out and he drifts off to sleep, she lies awake and wonders, what that the hell has she done?

Thanks for reading! Never forget I'm unpredictable. Never take anything at face value. This is a warning for ALL my stories. ;)