Right. I was supposed to update this like, 3 months ago but I lost touch with my DGM fetish and got busy with college. Then some of you decided to PM me and ask me for updates and I felt so obliged to finish this for you all awesome readers out there. So here's another update and an apology for taking so long to update this. I procrastinate too much.

In any case, I'm still a TyKan shipper and lover, and I am really sad that this story is drawing to a close. Maybe that's another reason why I'm so reluctant to post up the next few chapters. But hey, all things must come to an end soon, ne?

Chapter 13 – Tortured Soul

Tyki leaned his shoulder against the cool glass of the large framed window and let his thoughts wander. The tinkling sound of the bell he had just rung to summon his assistant still lingered in the silence of his study, and the only company he had in the quiet room now were his thoughts and the smell of cigarette smoke. He had spent the entire night thinking about what he would say to Kanda and how he would explain himself but now that the moment had drawn so close, it seemed as if the words he had wanted to say eluded him. It was as if he had absent-mindedly burnt his painstakingly prepared script and scattered the ashes in the sea of his wandering mind.

But it was too late to turn back now. He would have to do this; he would have to forsake his own selfish desires and go against his wishes for once in his perfect life. Even if it meant breaking his own heart, he would have to do this.

Even the smell of the cigarette smoke he was trying to drown himself in could not erase the scent of the younger man's beautiful long hair, and each excuse he came up with to reason his upcoming action only served to further agitate his frustrated feelings. He could only try and push down his raging passion with the memory of their last night together, and how the sight of Kanda sleeping so peacefully had driven him to make such a decision. This was all for him, Tyki had to keep telling himself.

All for the young man who had stubbornly denied all his amorous advances, all for the boy who had unknowingly stolen his heart, all for the one who he had tried to keep for himself and ended up breaking.

"You rang, sir?" That familiar voice interrupted his recollections.

Tyki started because he was too absorbed in thoughts to even hear the small knock before the door opened. He didn't really show it though, instead, he remained where he was standing, with his back slightly turned towards Kanda and issued an order.

"Sit, Kanda."

Kanda kept his distance but raised an eyebrow. "Sit?" He repeated.

"Yes, just take a seat in that armchair over there. I have many things to say to you."

Puzzled, his assistant moved hesitantly over to the large armchair and seated himself on the edge of it, hands gripping the sides rather awkwardly. 'What the fuck does he want to say to me?'

Tyki blew out another small cloud of smoke before beginning his speech. Though to be honest, he really didn't know how to begin.

"I've been thinking about this for some time… I mean, what I mean to say is…" Tyki coughed slightly and pretended to clear his throat before continuing. "Well, I suppose you want to know why I woke you up this early in the morning for a private chat. That is to say, I decided to make a very important decision. And this decision… It concerns your welfare as well." He paused a while to catch himself and think out his next few lines properly.

The pause only served to confuse Kanda even further. Tyki's actions last night managed to worry him a little, and he could never be sure of his master's actions. Tyki tended to be cool and composed on the surface but passionate and complicated underneath that handsome exterior. And Kanda had a feeling that he was the only person to ever be treated to all those displays of overflowing emotions by the magician, emotions too real to be just for show. Whether or not he ought to be thankful for that fact, Kanda wasn't very sure.

"As I was saying, I've been thinking about all this business I go about doing. To tell the truth, I'm not getting any younger, and my brother has got a very good point…"

Kanda had a dreaded feeling about this. He couldn't even bring himself to look up towards Tyki. Instead, he only tightened his grip and cast his gaze lower onto the ground, tracing the patterns on the carpet with his sight.

"I feel that it's high time I settled down."

Kanda gave an involuntary jerk, as if to look up and stare at Tyki but kept his gaze transfixed on the carpet instead. There was no mistaking that sharp intake of breath though.

Tyki turned and glanced over at Kanda sideways. "I've given it a lot of thought, so don't be surprised. I have to quit this show business someday, it's not very becoming for a gentleman of my status. Frankly, I ought to have settled down a few years ago but I was too defiant to let go of my pleasures in life and become responsible for a family. It would be best if I accepted the engagement and started to live like a member of the Noah clan."

'It's not true, and you know that. You want to live freely, without any bonds. Live freely, free to do whatever you want, whatever you please, and whatever you love. You want to live with the one you truly love, and not settle for some arranged marriage.'

Tyki bit his lip at the thought, and chose to turn away from Kanda to resume his staring out of the window. He was arriving at the most important part of his speech, the part concerning Kanda's fate, which he was sure that Kanda would accept gladly.

"So we come to the part concerning you, Kanda. Now I'm sure you understand that I won't need you as my assistant anymore, since there won't be any magic show. I do not wish for you to follow me after this, because I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to fit in with the high-class society I'm so used to living in. Which is why I've decided… To give you back your freedom."

The last few words were spoken very softly, as if Tyki could not believe it himself that he was saying them. Either way, they barely fell on Kanda's ears, who had barely been listening since Tyki announced his decision. The things Tyki were telling him now were far too painful. They were the exact same things he had wished Tyki would do, the same things he had told himself again and again, the same facts he knew and accepted, but now, to hear these words repeated by Tyki himself… It was just too much to bear. It was just too great a blow for him.

'He doesn't need me. Fool, you knew it since the beginning, didn't you? So why are you getting so worked up over it now? You knew you would never be able to fit into his society, and you knew you never were part of his perfect life. Idiot, you were delusional, weren't you? And now you're mentally beating yourself over it? What are you, more fucking stupid than the average idiot? Damn it, Kanda, get a grip on yourself!'

"Kanda, are you listening?"

Still a pause. Maybe he didn't get the message.

"I'm giving you back your freedom, Kanda."

It was dreadful, how silent Kanda was getting, even disturbing. Tyki had expected a more emotional outburst, maybe one or two swear words, or surprised, dark eyes staring at him in disbelief but not this. Just a quiet moment, as if Kanda refused to accept the fact that he would soon be a free man. Didn't Kanda tell him before that he would like to be a free man again? Wasn't it what he wanted? Tyki was wondering if the boy hadn't heard him properly before Kanda spoke.

"You don't love her."

The words were out before he could even stop himself. But what hurt him the most was that Kanda believed he knew Tyki best, and even if he wasn't wanted here, the worst thing that could happen was for him to see Tyki get himself into a situation he wasn't happy in. He just didn't want Tyki to be unhappy. Tyki inhaled sharply but kept his composure. "It's not a question of love, Kanda, it's a matter of class and…"

"But you don't love her!"

'Damn it, Kanda Yuu! Stop this! It's his life, not yours, why are you so freaking worked up over it?'

"Doesn't mean I can't marry her. Look, Kanda, we're not here to talk about my love life and all…"

"You hate doing things against your will! You've always wanted to do things your way and get what you want! It's not like you to… To just… Marry into an arranged engagement like this!"

"Kanda, listen. I'll sort my own problems out later, but right now I want to discuss yours."

"We both know you're the one facing problems here, God damn it!"

"I do not have a problem with this, Kanda!"

"You don't want this! You wouldn't like this!"

"How would you know I wouldn't want this?"

"She doesn't know you as well as I do!"

His heart was throbbing painfully. The simple statement Kanda had mentioned was true, and it stabbed through him like a knife through the chest to hear the truth from someone who understood him so well. Damn it, he never realized how much the boy understood him. What he really wanted to do right now was to stride over and throw his arms around Kanda, pull him into a deep embrace and apologize for being so stupid. And then he just wanted to stay there unmoving, hugging the one he loved tightly, not letting go, just whispering sweet words into his ear and comfort the visibly shaken boy. His body was about to react to this notion when a darker, more possessive feeling took over and Tyki froze as his mind uttered those selfish thoughts to himself.

'You don't have to let him go, you should just keep him. If it hurts you so much to let him go, then don't do it.'

No, he told himself. No, it's not right. If you love something, you let it go.

'But you know what you would really like to do. So go ahead, you have the power to anyway. Don't let him go. Keep him, take him, rape him, do with him to your heart's content. Because you can.'

He was mortified with himself for even thinking that. Thankfully Kanda wasn't paying attention to the way his eyes widened in shock at the very thought of having his way with Kanda again. The thought of forcing Kanda to give him the affection he wanted sickened him to the stomach and he could feel cold sweat forming on his brow.

'This is exactly why you shouldn't keep him with you anymore. You are a danger to the boy, and it would only hurt him further if he stays with you.'

He couldn't stand the thought of Kanda having to settle being second in his life. If Kanda had to follow in his shadow for the rest of their lives together and watch him live happily with another person, Kanda wouldn't complain, he knew it. But he knew Kanda would bleed slowly to death on the inside, and it would be pure torture for the boy. And then again there was that chance he would get violent towards him whenever he wasn't in a good mood. Not that he wasn't sure of himself but ever since he had lost control and forced himself on the boy, Tyki constantly warned himself that there was always that danger of him hurting the one he loved again.

"Kanda, please listen to me. It's for your own good, and for mine as well. It's a win-win situation, alright? You'll only be in the way because you're not trained to live in a high-class society like I am. You don't belong with me. It's not your place."

"So what you're saying here is, you're getting yourself a wife you don't even have feelings for just to please your family, you're stopping your magic show because it would get in the way of your new life and you're letting me go because you won't need me anymore?"

'That's not what you want, is it, Tyki Mikk? You need Kanda in your life. Just tell him that's not it and assure him you're not going to do it.'

"Yes, that's right."

The tone he employed was a firm and serious one, one that told Kanda he wasn't joking. Even as Kanda looked up to question Tyki he found his words stuck on its way out, because the cold and serious color in Tyki's eyes gave him the message that his decision was final.

With that, all the argument that was in his spirit just left him, and it seemed to Tyki that when Kanda closed his eyes and opened them again, his dark orbs were just that. Dark and empty. All the fire and spirit he had seen in them before were gone. It was as if Kanda had given up on something.

He stood up abruptly. "Then I'm going."

'So fast?' Tyki's conscience asked in a panic. Never before was he such a conflict, to let Kanda go and at the same time, try and linger his presence a little longer.

"Uh, wait. Here, this belongs to you. It's some useful papers you'd need, some important documents of sorts, okay? And… Your salary. I've calculated your pay since you joined me, it's double the usual amount I pay my assistants. And I haven't left anything out."

Saying thus, Tyki lifted up a large suitcase and plopped it onto desk. He pushed it towards Kanda. "Go ahead, take it. You'll need it."

Without another word, Kanda strode over to the desk and placed his hand on the suitcase. For a second, a part of Tyki hoped that he would push it back and say he wanted to stay or something, but whatever hesitation Kanda had disappeared within that second. The teen just hoisted the suitcase away and strode out.

As the door closed behind Kanda's disappearing figure, Tyki turned his face away from the scene. He didn't want his last memory of Kanda to be of his lovely black hair whipping out of that door and away from him. Away from his life.

He remained rooted to the spot and took slow, deep breaths to try and calm his racing heartbeat. From where he stood, he could hear the sounds of banging and thuds from the room down the corridor as Kanda, he presumed, was packing whatever he possessed (Not that he had much) and getting ready to leave.

'He's going to leave immediately.'

The reality sank in and Tyki didn't like it. 'What I should do now, is run out of the room and call out his name. Ask him to stay with me and embrace him. Apologize to him. Just do something to make him stay!'

There were footsteps in the corridor now. They were getting nearer and nearer and would pass by Tyki's study anytime soon. His first impulse was to rush out and fling the door open while crying out Kanda's name but his legs refused to budge.

He was right outside his study now, and he stopped. The footsteps, which had been resounding like a countdown in Tyki's ears, just stopped. Tyki's hopes rose slightly. Would he come in and say some parting words? Should he open the door now? Or maybe pretend to ask Kanda in for some random reason?

No sound came from outside. If Kanda was standing out there, he sure was standing motionless for quite a long time.

Quite suddenly, the thudding of his feet began again, this time, more quick and determined. The sound of his footsteps grew further and further away as he reached the door, and then that dreaded click came as Kanda unlocked it and opened the door. All this was followed by a creaking sound as the door was swung open, and finally, that slam to signal his departure.

And then he was gone.

The murmuring buzz of conversation and the clinks of glasses knocking against the counter failed to shake him from his train of thoughts. Even as he chugged down the contents of his third glass of beer, the drowsy feeling of being drunk refused to sweep him away into a world with no worries and depression.

He didn't know how he managed to wind up in here, all he knew was that he finally left the study after God knows how long, and absent-mindedly strolled down the streets, trying not to feel depressed. Every now and then he would turn to make a cynical comment about something to his assistant, only to remember he wasn't there anymore and every time that happened, he only felt worse.

He recalled passing by a pawn shop, and to his shock, discovered a familiar sword in the window. He didn't give it much thought, but strode right into the shop in a few strides and demanded for the owner to come to the counter. He didn't care how much it was worth, he wanted it immediately. He knew Kanda would like to have it, but it wasn't until he was out of the shop and on the streets with the sword safely wrapped in brown paper that he realized Kanda wouldn't want it anymore, because he wasn't at home waiting for him and because he probably was the one who sold it to the shop for money to pay back Tyki in the first place. And that terrible feeling swarmed back into his soul again.

Eventually the sun began to set, and Tyki found himself in a dingy bar surrounded by weary men and scantily dressed women, some of which were eyeing him and whispering to each other and giggling to themselves. He didn't give a damn that he looked so out of place, he just threw himself down on a chair and ordered something to drink.

"Get me another one." He muttered moodily as he threw a few more coins onto the wooden counter.

The barman only raised an eyebrow as he went off to refill the glass. This customer would be drunk before he knew it but hey, lots of people got themselves drunk here daily. Bars are where they came to try and dissolve their worries into the beer and drink them away. And this man looked as though he was going to commit suicide soon.

As the fourth glass arrived, Tyki grabbed it and drained the glass as fast as he could. As he banged it back onto the counter, he noted that his vision was blurry. Good, he would be drunk in no time.

"You look rather lonely tonight, my good sir." A voice dripping with seduction and perfume interrupted his thoughts and a woman in a red dress sidled up next to him. Her black shawl was draped over her shoulders, but she "accidently" let it fall down to her elbows, exposing her smooth ivory skin.

Tyki smirked. "And would you like to accompany this lonely man tonight, darling?"

"For a price, I would." She smiled and leaned closer, moving an arm down to rest on his lap.

He was breaking boundaries and crossing lines he shouldn't. But why shouldn't he? He didn't have anyone to love already, and he was about to enter a life of chains. The only reason he would agree to the arranged marriage was to severe all his ties, physical and emotional, with Kanda. Getting married would mean he had a commitment with a new person, and thus he would never try and look for Kanda, or start a relationship with him again. Because he knew he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about Kanda, and he wouldn't be able to stop longing for him. It may be cruel to his new wife, but he didn't care enough about her to bother about the fact that she may not like it, that her new husband only agreed to marry her so he could forget about the one he truly loved.

For now, he would just enjoy himself. As they laughed and whispered seductive words to each other, and ordered another round of drinks, Tyki could practically see his future in the amber liquid. The laughing man he saw reflected back at him was one he would be from now on, appearing to enjoy himself with affairs, for he knew, deep down inside, that he would never able to remain faithful to his so called wife. Because she was not the one he loved.

The scent of perfume and powders would have sickened the sober him, but he was drunk and the alcohol hindered his ability to think straight. He didn't care about anything right now; there was nothing for him to care for, nothing. Not even Kanda.

Kanda.

"We're getting out of here, Mr. Mikk."

A strong arm came around him and practically dragged him away from the whore. Tyki tried to stand up properly but ended up losing his balance and clinging onto the stranger for support. He laughed and tried to walk a couple of steps but the stranger had to steer him out of the bar as he ranted like a mad man.

The familiar tone, that familiar scent, and the feel of long hair tickling his face… Tyki's spirits rose hopefully and he chuckled to himself.

"You came back for me, Kanda."

Whoever was supporting him didn't answer directly. "You of all people should know that getting drunk isn't the answer to your problems. And you should know what mistakes you always make when you of all people get fucking drunk like a hopeless alcoholic."

"I missed you."

"A few hours without me and you're useless."

The stranger paused in their tracks. It seemed as if they reached the sidewalk already. Tyki looked up to try and see who it was but the images before him shifted and faded like shadows. Still, there was no mistaking that scent, that voice and that feeling he was getting. It could only be him.

Tyki tried to stand properly again but ended up throwing himself over the stranger and with a yelp, both of them crashed onto the pavement. He didn't know why he was laughing, maybe it was the alcohol, but he couldn't get up again.

"Mr. Mikk, get off. Come on, I'll get a cab. Get off me."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Kanda. I want you back."

Those hands were trying to pull him off but he only tightened his embrace around this stranger. "I'm not letting you go this time."

"Sir… You're drunk." The other man said softly.

"I'm not, I'm just lonely." Tyki smirked as he said that. "I love you so much."

"I'm getting a cab."

"Guess what I found? Your sword. You can have it back again." He chuckled maniacally and settled his head against the other man's neck. "Don't leave me."

There was a sound of wheels pulling up beside them and Tyki felt himself hoisted up by the shoulders and arms. He was hauled towards the cab and pushed inside, but not roughly. The familiar voice seemed to be muttering directions to another person but their voices seemed so far away now. He was drifting off into unconsciousness.

'Kanda… You came back for me…'

The light that hit his eyes seemed to blind him as he opened them. For a few seconds he blinked to clear his vision and soon his eyes rested on a familiar figure sitting by his bed. He was lying on clean, white sheets, and they were in a large, whitewashed room.

"Kanda!" Tyki sat up hurriedly as he recognized the person.

"I see you're awake. I should go now." Kanda made to get up and leave but Tyki grasped his hands in his own tightly and detained him.

"No, please, no. Stay, I want you to stay."

The tone in Kanda's voice was cold and harsh. "But you just said you didn't want me."

"I was foolish, Kanda. I realized I couldn't live a life of lies. And my biggest lie was to confess I didn't love you."

"You loved me? Now that's a lie. You and I both know it."

His heart ached to hear those words. Tyki spoke and this time, he sounded desperate.

"Kanda, I'm sorry. I never should have acted the way I should. Let's start over again, please, Kanda. Please stay with me."

"Start over again? Heck, we were never in a relationship to begin with!" Kanda shouted. He wrenched his hands out of Tyki's furiously and glared at him. The intensity of his hatred was so great that Tyki lowered his gaze ashamedly. Kanda continued in a loud voice.

"We were never together, we could never be! You were always above me, and you had to make your point clear, didn't you? You raped me!"

"Kanda, please, forgive me. I don't deserve it, but I still love you. You have to trust m-"

"Trust you? I did, Tyki. I did. And I was an idiot to do so. You only hurt me, you never loved me. If that was love, I don't want it!"

Kanda stood up with his eyes blazing. There was so much hatred there Tyki couldn't believe this was the same man he fell in love with. He tried to say something but the words failed him. What could he say to appease Kanda now?

"I'm leaving now. You can live your happy life with your rich family and friends. Go ahead, and I wish you best of luck with your wife. Forget about me." He spat with pure poison and turned away to stalk off.

"Kanda!"

Tyki stumbled out of bed and onto his knees behind Kanda. This was the first time he had ever knelt down to ask for something from anyone.

The Japanese paused with his back towards Tyki. Tyki knew that if he had a good reason for Kanda to stay, he better say it now, because this could be the last chance he would ever get to beg Kanda to stay. But even as he opened his mouth, his words choked in his throat and all that came out were gasps and dry sobs. He dropped his gaze and curled his fingers into fists as he sobbed on all fours. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do but he wanted Kanda to forgive him so badly. For a man once proud and confident, he had been reduced to a humiliated lover on his knees, begging for forgiveness.

"I love you, Kanda. I love you, I love you, I love you, I-"

Two arms wrapped themselves around his back in an embrace. The warmth and love the simple move brought to Tyki's tortured soul was indescribable, and Tyki stopped speaking to give in to his painful sobs. There weren't really tears, even though his eyes were wet, but Tyki was too proud a man to let the tears fall. Kneeling was already a great blow to his pride but for Kanda, he would do anything now.

"Tyki… Forget about me. Just... Please… Just forget about me." Those were the words he heard whispered softly and comfortingly above him. There was something else whispered after that too, but Tyki failed to catch what was being said. Before he could ask, the warmth was gone and Tyki looked up to find Kanda gone.

"Kanda? Kanda! Kanda, please wait!"

His screams echoed off the eerily white walls and seemingly empty place. He was alone again.

"Kanda!" He screamed as he opened his eyes in shock and gasped for breath.

"Tyki, are you alright?" A girl's voice asked in concern.

It took him a while to get his breath back and take in the scene before him. He was back in his chambers at the Noah Manor, lying on his large bed and Road was sitting beside him, her tiny hand squeezing his large palm tightly. Two servants stood by the door, one carrying a basin of water while the other carried some towels, both looking awfully frightened. Even Road looked rather disturbed.

"Tyki, you look awful! Did you have a nightmare?"

Tyki sat up stared at his shaking hand. It was just a dream, Kanda hating him so badly and leaving him, it was all just a terrible nightmare. A tear stain was damp against his right cheek and he wiped it off hastily. He closed his eyes and tried to recall what happened.

"How did I get here? The last I remember I was…"

"You got yourself drunk, Tyki. You were drinking again, and when you arrived, you were just a lifeless heap of alcoholic fumes."

That's right, he had been drinking, because he had freed Kanda and he was depressed. But Kanda came for him and hailed a cab and…

"Where's Kanda?" Tyki asked in concern. Road stared back at him with confusion.

"That's just what I was about to ask you."

His heart sank like a stone. "You mean… I came here on my own?"

"Elizabeth brought you in. You shouldn't be out drinking so much, little brother."

Cyril walked in through the double doors and crossed over to Tyki's bed. Road jumped off and clung at her father, who placed his hand on Tyki's forehead. "Are you feeling better now, dear brother?"

"I'm fine. Elizabeth brought me in?" Tyki asked uncertainly. But he remembered it was a guy who got him a cab, and if he wasn't wrong, stayed with him throughout the journey. He knew because he felt himself resting on that stranger's lap, and a kind arm stayed on his shoulder the entire way.

"Yes, she was here with her mother for a chat this morning and she was the one who found you and brought you in. I must say, not a very good image to leave on your fiancée."

Tyki felt his spirits sink. He had hoped that it was Kanda, but then again, he could have been dreaming, the nightmare he just woke up from had seemed so real anyway.

"I'll be fine soon, brother. I just need more rest, so would you kindly leave me alone?"

Cyril seemed as if he wanted to say something but decided against it. Instead he nodded and patted Road on the head. "Come, dear, let's leave your uncle to rest. Call the servants if you need anything."

Tyki didn't seem to hear as he sank back onto the soft pillows. In just the span of a few hours, he had gone through so much emotional torture he felt as though he had aged a couple of year. He just wanted his assistant back again.

Because now he didn't have a reason to go on living anymore.

Gosh, this chapter turned out long. Depressed Tyki wasn't easy to write because he's always so happy and proud, but I figured one couldn't be truly happy all the time, he's got to have internal issues. The conflicting emotions he felt was not easy to portray as well and I hope I got it across nicely. Sometimes it's only human to try and do the so-called right thing but still feel so torn up inside. In any case, leave a review please. I'd like to hear from you awesome readers again. It's been so long! =)

This story will be ending soon too, and you're free to continue guessing how it'll end. I'll apologize beforehand if the ending's not what you guys expected though.