Fear of Falling Apart
When I woke up again, it was light out. I was still in the infirmary, lying on a cot. A soft blanket covered me. I had a new t-shirt on. I blinked the sleep from my eyes and peeked under my collar. There were three thin, pink lines starting from underneath my right collar bone and going down at an angle about six inches. I realized with a shock that that's where the empousa had cut me. Even after all these years of healing and watching healing, it amazed me that it now looked like I'd been scratched by a cat instead of sliced open by an empousa. No stitches, no huge, noticeable scars. The food of the gods and Apollo kids' healing powers did wonders.
A gauze pad had been taped to where I'd been impaled, though. More damage than lacerations, I supposed.
Slowly, I sat up. My shoulder was only slightly sore.
My poor shoulders. First my left had been shredded by a hellhound (rehab had been a nightmare, but the ambrosia helped tremendously), and now an empousa had sliced her way through the other like I'd been some sick operation game for her to experiment and play with.
"Tori," someone said from the end of my bed. I looked to see Chiron in his wheelchair form. "I know you've just woken, but I need to ask you about what happened last night."
I gasped and sat up before starting to look around the infirmary. "Dan, where's Dan—?" I broke off when I saw him lying in the cot next to me. The color had come back to his skin and I could see his chest rise and fall gently. My whole being relaxed, my breathing suddenly felt easier, my muscles less tense. Tears stung my eyes.
I blinked rapidly to dispel them, remembering Chiron wanted to talk to me about last night. I looked back at him and told him my story, from my dream about Luke all the way to when I finally arrived at the Big House for the second time. Chiron looked grim when I finished.
"This isn't good," he finally murmured contemplatively. "I must go examine her tree at once." Without missing a beat, he started to stand from his wheelchair. Well, it looked like he was standing up, but really, he was pulling his lower horse-half out of his magic chair. With a nod to me, he galloped out.
I sighed, throwing my legs off the bed, so I could sit on the edge, and looked back over at Dan's sleeping form. I felt a smile pulling at the edge of my lips. He was alive. Thank the gods. Then I noticed something resting on the bedside table between our two cots. My breath caught and my smile faded. It was the bronze letter opener.
It couldn't have been the same one I'd used to kill the hellhound so long ago. It couldn't have been the same letter opener that had been in my mom's possession for as long as I can remember. Yet…there it was. The same as I always remembered it.
It was fashioned like Godric Gryffindor's sword, but the silver of the sword was replaced by Celestial bronze (it even had the engraved name of Godric Gryffindor). The hilt remained the same. I remembered always thinking how much the two colors clashed when I was little.
Where Mom had gotten it, I wasn't sure—Apollo maybe?—but it'd been in our house at least since Dan and I were born.
With a shaking hand, I slowly reached over for it. I had just wrapped my fingers around it when someone else's hand covered mine. I jumped and started to pull away, but Dan's fingers, which were very warm, wrapped gently around my hand, keeping it where it was.
I looked over at Dan's cot to see him awake. He'd even sat up, though he looked worn and just a tad bit paler than usual. I must've been so caught up in my own thoughts to not notice that he'd woken up.
"Hey," he greeted quietly, letting go of my hand. I dropped the letter opener and pulled my own hand back into my lap.
"Hey," My voice was ragged and I cleared my throat self-consciously. "I'm glad you're okay."
"Thanks to you, so I'm told," he responded.
I glanced at the letter opener before reaching forward to pick it up.
"You never told me you had this," I said, turning it over in my hands.
"I know," Dan mumbled. "I guess I thought you'd want it if you knew. And that's the only thing that I have that belonged to…Mom." His voice broke. I looked back up at him. I could see the tears in his eyes. It was almost comforting to know that he still teared up when thinking about Mom, like I did.
I set the letter opener back on the table. "No, I wouldn't have taken it from you." I said. "Besides, I have her guitar…" I swallowed hard. "How did you even get it, though? I thought it'd be lost in some evidence locker at the police department."
Dan took the letter opener into his hands and fiddled with it. "It almost was," he started. "They thought maybe it'd been used against Mom, but when they realized that it was an animal that attacked you guys, it no longer counted as evidence. There was no blood on it, pointing what type of animal either. So, they released it to me." He set the opener down. "I'm not sure if they're technically allowed to do that, but I convinced them with a few tears."
I laughed, in spite of myself and Dan joined me. It felt good to laugh with him again. To laugh at all, because it felt like I hadn't laughed for a while.
"Well, you were quite the actor," I told him, as our laughter died down. "Still are."
Dan looked away. His smile became wistful and I suddenly felt horribly guilty for bringing that up.
He loved acting, and theater, participated in it whenever he could. Usually ended up with the leads of our small school plays and musicals. He'd really wanted to become an actor—Broadway first, then the silver screen. But then our mom died and we found out we were half-god, that monsters were real and wanted to kill us. Our lives spun out of control. His dream had to be put on hiatus. There was no telling how long it would last now that we didn't go to school anymore. Now that death was higher on the list than anything else, always.
"I'm sorry," I blurted. "I didn't mean to—"
"No, it's fine," Dan assured, though I wasn't convinced in the slightest. He took a deep breath. "It's fine." He repeated a little quieter, not meeting my eyes. I looked down at the floor, internally scolding myself for bringing that up. It had been going so well.
It became awkwardly silent between us. After our separation, we'd never really been good at conversation. Not including the fact that I'd brought up an especially touchy subject. I was better than that, usually.
Anyway, as I said before, deep down, a small part of me resented Dan for being claimed. It wasn't like he could help it, but that anger toward him was still there. Now that I knew why Apollo hadn't claimed me, I suppose I was also jealous that he wasn't as angry at Apollo as I was. I wished that I wasn't so bitter, then maybe I would've been claimed alongside Dan. But I wished that our mom was still alive more than anything.
Last night had made me realize something, though. And it was the fact that, despite everything that had happened to us, I still loved my brother. I loved him dearly, and thinking that he could've died last night was almost too much to bear. I realized that he was the only family I had left and the way I'd locked him out hadn't been fair to him at all.
I looked back up at my brother. He was fiddling with the letter opener again.
"Dan," I said to catch his attention. He slowly looked up. "I'm sorry we grew apart after Apollo claimed you. I was hurt and confused. I felt humiliated and like Apollo didn't care about me. I was angry at you, even. But I shouldn't have pushed you away like I did. You're my brother and with Mom gone, you're all I have left. I just want you to know that I care about you, that I love you and I'm sorry."
Dan smiled. "I forgive you," he said. "And I love you, too."
I couldn't help the relieved grin that spread across my face. It still felt awkward between us, but I felt like a weight had just been lifted from my chest. I could breathe a little easier now. Saying those words had been easier than I thought, but it was nice to say them. They'd rolled off my tongue so smoothly.
Dan's smile slowly disappeared, a nervousness taking its place. My own smile faded and I swallowed hard. That wasn't good.
Dan looked down. "As long as we're confessing things, I might as well—" He looked back up at me but broke off, his eyes flickering to something above my head. "Don't look now," he muttered. I instantly looked up to see a bright, almost too bright, hologram of a…lyre. I couldn't tell you exactly what color it was because it was like a mini sun had just appeared over my head: white, yellow, orange, like the sun.
I stared up at it in awe, Dan's confession being momentarily put on the back-burner. I wasn't quite sure what to think about it. I mean, I had mixed feelings. Part of me felt good, actually. To finally be recognized. I could finally move past the indefinite awkward moment. I could join my brother, and my half-brothers and -sisters. I didn't have to live at camp knowing I didn't belong in the Hermes cabin.
Part of me was still angry, would probably always be angry, at Apollo. For everything: not helping my mom, not claiming me when he claimed Dan, the things he told me during that trip to Mount Olympus.
That's when I figured out that I could feel good, but not necessarily happy, because I wasn't. I wasn't happy at all.
The hologram started to fade just as Chiron clopped back into the infirmary. I turned to look over my shoulder so I could see him. He seemed slightly startled but it lasted about a second before he smiled, though his eyes were distant—probably thinking about Thalia's tree. It wasn't looking too good for the camp, then.
I saw him start to kneel and quickly held up a hand.
"Please don't," I said.
His smile grew, his eyes crinkling at the edges and clearing a bit of their grimness.
"I will go inform the Apollo cabin," he said. His face darkened. "Then we need to talk about what's happened to Thalia's tree." I nodded and he exited again. I turned back to face Dan.
"What about Thalia's tree?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Long story, I'll tell you later if Chiron doesn't talk to camp about it tonight at dinner." Dan nodded. Another silence started to form between us. I didn't think I believed I'd just been claimed.
"I don't have to help lead those camp sing-alongs, now, do I?" I finally asked with mock dread in my voice.
Dan smiled and rolled his eyes. "Not if you don't want to. They're honestly not that bad, you know." I snorted. Dan continued, going in a direction I wished he hadn't, "But I think you should. You have a beautiful singing voice." He paused. "You sound like Mom, actually."
I looked down at the floor again, wringing my hands. "Please, don't say that." I mumbled.
"It's true," Dan responded. "You remind me so much of Mom…" He broke off. His voice had gone raw. I looked back up at him.
"Don't do this," I whispered pleadingly.
"You need to hear this," Dan said, his voice wavered though. "Besides, I was going to tell you this anyway, before you were claimed." I had almost completely forgotten about what Dan had been about to say. My brother continued, "You're not the only one to blame for the wedge that was driven between us. When you told me what happened to Mom, I was angrier at you than I was at Apollo. And it wasn't that I wished you had died instead of Mom—I wish she hadn't died at all—but it was because you reminded me so much of Mom and it hurt—" His voice broke.
"Dan," I tried, but he interrupted me.
"But I realized something, too," He spoke with more fervor. "I'm lucky to still have you. I'm lucky that you were still alive, even though you'd been so badly wounded. I care about and love you, too, Tori." He swallowed hard. His voice had gone back to a whisper. "You remind me so much of Mom, and it hurts. But…it's almost like she never left. Our memories of her, you, keep her spirit alive. And that's comforting to me."
I blinked and tears I hadn't realized formed, streamed down my face. I took a deep breath and wiped them away. I looked at everything in the room except for Dan. I was even more confused. So many emotions swirled inside me. It made me feel slightly dizzy and sick. Being claimed, re-kindling that relationship with Dan, hearing Dan tell me that I reminded him of Mom…
"Will you sing?" Dan suddenly asked. I finally looked at him, stunned. "I want to…I want to hear you sing. I haven't heard you sing in so long."
"I don't know…" I rubbed my arm, feeling self-conscious. I didn't think I sounded like Mom at all. She had a much prettier singing voice.
"A short song, then. Please?" Dan insisted. "The Parting Glass?" I smiled a little at this, one of our favorites. One of the songs I requested she sing a Capella frequently.
I swallowed hard and took a breath. I let my eyes go into a soft focus. I got the first two lines out, kind of shaky and infused with ragged emotion, before the memories and emotions seemed become so overwhelming my voice stopped working altogether. But Dan helped by picking up where I'd left off. I focused in on him and he met my eyes. He sang the next two lines before I composed myself enough to continue the song. He held my gaze as we sand the song together, a baritone and alto.
At the end of the song, Dan stopped and let me finish the last two lines. There was a moment of silence before I heard clapping behind me. I jumped and quickly turned to see Lee and Chiron. Both were clapping. Lee was also smiling.
I felt my face flush and turned to look at Dan.
"You knew they were there," I complained.
He shrugged. "They came after I asked you to sing, honest. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to stop."
Lee came to stand between the two beds, at the end. "Dan was right, you've got an amazing voice," he complimented.
I glared at Dan. "I thought you said they hadn't come in until after I started the song."
He rolled his eyes. "I can't talk about my twin sister to our half-siblings?"
My face felt even hotter. "Point taken," I muttered.
Lee laughed and I turned my glare on him. He quickly stopped, but was only just barely trying to hide it.
"I just came to welcome you to Cabin Seven," Lee told me through stifled giggles. "Also that we've moved your things."
I shot up to my feet, panic seizing me. "My guitar—" I started.
"Don't worry, it's fine. We were careful." Lee assured quickly. I hesitantly sat back down again. I knew I could trust them. They were musicians, they knew how to handle their instruments, but I didn't like other people touching my guitar. Even if it was weathered musical artists. The only other person I would really extend the curtesy of touching, holding or playing it was Dan. I suppose, if it was just for a little bit, it was okay. But just this once.
"I think everyone here knows not to mess with Tori and her guitar," Chiron's voice sounded, startling me. I'd forgotten he was still there. "But now we must get onto more important matter." He gave me a pointed look. "I hope you are feeling up to a stroll, Tori."
I nodded mutely and stood. Chiron exited the infirmary.
"Thanks," I told Lee as I passed him. I turned back around to look at Dan. "I guess I'll see you later." I paused. "Uh…both of you." My eyes flickered from Dan and Lee. With a final nod, I followed Chiron out.
He was waiting on the porch. When I came out he started toward the strawberry fields and I froze.
"Is there a problem?" Chiron asked, noticing my hesitancy.
I swallowed hard. I'd have to face my fear some time or other, right?
"No, I—" I took a deep breath. "I'm fine. Just leftover stuff from what happened last night. I'll be fine."
Chiron looked at me skeptically before finally starting forward again. I walked at his side. I concentrated on staying as far away as possible from the vines while also trying not to encroach on Chiron's own walking space. I kept my eyes on the ground and inhaled the sweet smell of baking strawberries in the summer heat.
"Tori," Chiron began. "I don't want you telling anyone that what happened to the tree was because of Luke. I need you to keep that a secret for now, okay?"
"What? Why?" I was shocked, to say the least. I mean, it wasn't like I wanted everyone knowing that Luke, my boyfriend, had done something to his former home—though how much he thought of it as a home was questionable—but at the same time, it seemed like a vital piece of information people should know about.
"The titan lord is no doubt up to his tricks," Chiron explained. "I cannot have the camp knowing that he is trying to rise. Not yet." He paused. "Also, it would not boost the morale, to be betrayed by our own. And we need them ready to fight, to protect the camp from monsters until…until I can find a cure." His confidence wavered when he mentioned a cure.
I took a deep breath. "Okay, I swear on the River Styx." Thunder rumbled in the distance and I tried not to shiver. "But there is a cure, right? You can heal the tree? I mean, you've been alive for centuries. Surely there's a cure. There has to be."
Chiron was silent for a long time. With each passing second, dread slowly set in.
When he spoke, his voice was carefully controlled, "The poison used comes from a monster in the deepest parts of Tartarus. Ancient. And powerful. Thalia's tree is dying at a rapid rate, and with it the border that protects this camp." He paused to let that sink in. "I will look, but I fear that the answer won't lie in any potions textbook…" He trailed off. I could see the gears turning in his head, despite how beaten he sounded. "Things are going to change around here."
"Why do I get the feeling you're not just talking about the camp needing protecting against monsters?" I blurted. Chiron looked down at me warily before letting out a heavy sigh.
"The gods will need someone to blame," he told me. "I'm afraid that I might be the one."
"But, Luke—"
"You heard what Percy said about the gods last summer, Tori," Chiron interrupted. "This is a matter they aren't willing to discuss." This made me wonder why they'd even come after me then. Why they'd questioned me if they were in denial about this whole Kronos trying to rise thing, about Luke being his number one puppet. As if he'd read my mind, Chiron amended his statement, "Not openly, anyway."
"That's not fair to you," I finally said. I vaguely wondered what would happen if I did leak that the titan lord was trying to rise again. I'd probably be blown to smithereens. Which only begged the question why the gods I'd talked to hadn't told me to keep my mouth shut. Then again, it wasn't like you went around bragging they'd interrogated you in a torturous way because you just happened to have a romantic relationship with a traitor. Maybe that's what Dionysus had really been for: a scare tactic. Apollo was just salt to the open wounds.
"It's not," Chiron agreed, breaking me out of my thoughts. "But I'm afraid I have no control over what they decide."
"Then, tell them… tell them that I had a dream that told me that Luke poisoned the tree. I mean, they must know demigod dreams have weight to them, right?" The guilt was starting to build up. The necklace, being a spy. Now this. Chiron being blamed for something I could've—should've—prevented.
"That would only make things worse for you. You aren't in the gods' good graces, Tori. Laying low is your best option. They would only pin the blame for Thalia's poisoned tree on you." Chiron responded.
More guilt.
"Why would you do that for me?" I asked without really thinking. Chiron stopped, only I continued walking not realizing it. When I did, I stopped too and turned to face him. His face was devoid of emotion as far as I could tell, but his eyes were sad. So sad, my heart stopped.
"You are my student," he told me quietly. "I wouldn't let you take such blame. My punishment will probably be losing my job here. Your punishment would be much worse." His voice had gone to a whisper when he mentioned my punishment. Which wasn't comforting.
That's when the sorrow in his eyes clicked for me. It reminded me of a mournful sorrow, a deep pain. Like the death of a loved one… Or a mentor who waits up for a hero that never returns.
I suddenly felt like I was on my deathbed.
I almost blew it right then. I almost told him that I was helping Luke by spying on the camp. All the guilt was becoming crushing. I supposed losing his job was the least harsh punishment that could happen, but for Chiron that had to be like the end of the world. He'd spent centuries training demigods. He'd seen countless battles, wars and deaths. But also miracles and heroes. Losing all that couldn't be an easy concept for him. Yet, here he was, ready to give it all up to protect me, a traitor.
"Chiron—" I started, ready to spill the beans and face whatever punishment may come, but he cut me off.
"Don't worry about me," he said gently, the sadness in his eyes clearing, a soft smile forming on his features. "I'll be fine." His expression darkened. "It's the camp I am more worried about."
And I lost my nerve.
I finally looked around at the strawberries, the blue sky, the summer sun, beyond the fields to the Big House, the volleyball court, kids in orange camp shirts running back and forth to and from activities, my home.
"Yeah," I whispered nodding, looking back at Chiron. "Me too."
Chiron and I headed silently out of the fields and split up from there. I went over to check out my new cabin and Chiron went back to the Big House to inform Mr. D what happened, and no doubt, Mr. D would go inform the gods. At the very least, Zeus. After all, Thalia had been his daughter.
That night Chiron announced what was going on and border guards were worked out, times scheduled.
A day later, our new activities director, Tantalus, a ghost plucked straight from the Fields of Punishment, arrived. Chiron would stay at camp for a little while longer to show Tantalus the ropes, so to speak, before leaving.
Two weeks later, with the camp's border's weakening hour by hour and a steady pile of yellow pine needles forming at the base of Thalia's tree, the Colchis bulls attacked.
All right, so there's the next chapter for you. Certainly not as eventful as the last chapter, but I got some brother-sister bonding in and an intense talk with Chiron. And Tori was—finally—claimed!
I hope the timeline makes sense. I was thinking about this long and hard. Re-reading Sea of Monsters, it didn't really make sense to me that Chiron hadn't left as soon as Tantalus arrived—he was fired after all. And I say this, because when Percy is talking to Clarisse after the fight with the bulls, she says things have changed around camp, which makes it sound like Tantalus has been around for quite a while. Yet, Chiron is only just leaving when Percy arrives, so… I made an excuse for Chiron to stay, even though his replacement has already shown up.
Title taken from "This is Gospel" by Panic! At the Disco.
And, as always, I hope you enjoyed.
To FadedSunset: Why thank you! They are definitely hard to write, so when someone tells me I can write them, it feels great. ^_^ Yeah, I completely agree. I really like Lee and Will, so I thought it'd be fun to try and integrate them into the story. Let them have so cameos :D Hopefully Will will get actual lines instead of an honorable mention in the future. Yay, that's good, haha.
Thank you for reading,
TheBrightestNight