"Oculum pro oculo, dentem pro dente."
Warning: Implicit sexual abuse.
Credits for Calendar's structure go to Bethesda game The Elder Scrolls
A shrill gasp escaped from the dead-pale lips and the lusterless eyes shot open the instant consciousness had returned to her. She looked like a lifeless doll, aided by strings to seem alive. The shrunken mouth parted for words, but the Serpent was faster; there was no time to explain the situation; if they didn't hurry, Danzo would become the new Hokage.
They parted from the hospital's wing just in time before the Council's meeting.
Kakashi had been summoned in front of the Council beforehand and his glances fell upon the faces all around him; Danzo's demeanor was troublingly demure it made him frown with suspicion. He folded his arms, feeling utterly uncomfortable. "What the hell…" He murmured to himself and leaned his back against the wall. It was cold like his mood.
The Feudal Lord arrived a few minutes before the meeting's setout.
Usually, the chamber did not really differ from any other ones at the Residence, but for the Feudal Lord's arrival, the evident design had been to dazzle and astound. Precisely at six, when the bells returned to silence and the sun was barely waking, the discussion about Konoha's future started.
Kakashi's eyes wandered from object to object, and rested upon none. He was becoming utterly bored amidst the grotesquely embellished walls and the useless sculptures about useless victories. He was about to excuse himself when the creaky door suddenly opened and his heart skipped one beat.
"Sorry, I am here…" Tsunade entered. Her entire physiognomy was interestingly saturnine, even cadaverously pale. She wore a green kimono wrapped with a golden belt around her waist and her long golden hair hung about her face.
Every shadow of angst faded instantly from Kakashi's countenance and worry conquered his mind. "Tsuna…What on earth…" He whispered, only to himself.
She was cordially conducted to a free seat by one of the servants and the woman bowed in expression of respect.
"Lady Hokage! You are awake!" Spoke Koharu Utatane. She was the eldest member of the Council, a woman of age 75. She had a little upturned nose, sharp eyes, a narrow mouth and she never grinned as if to wishing to conceal the few remaining teeth. Nonetheless, she had the warmest of hearts amongst the three.
Homura was sitting steadily in his accustomed arm-chair, and was the embodiment of respectful attention. He wore spectacles during important discussions and whenever boredom choked at his throat, he would take them off and rub the eyes languidly.
Fronting Tsunade, the Feudal Lord took a seat. He was situated a singularly stiff-looking person, who was dressed in somewhat uniquely unaccommodating habiliments. With his arms folded, he seemed to pride himself much upon every inch of his personal appearance, but took even more delight in calling attention to his yellow-colored hat.
The rays of the newly risen sun poured in upon the whole, through windows.
"You look like death, Tsunade." Danzo spat those words like venom. There was a triumphant smile in his eyes which sickened the former Kage.
She took a deep breath to shake off the unwelcome sensation and did her best to remain polite. "Lady Hokage to you too, Lord Danzo."
"Not anymore. We were in the middle of discussing something very important." He replied and resumed upon making sure everyone was sat at the round table.
Shizune and Kakashi stayed behind their Kage for the rest of the meeting.
"Today, as the Feudal Lord has blessed us with his presence, we must decide upon the name of the new Hokage."
"There is no need for a new one, I am here. I am not invisible." She retorted like a drunken vagabond.
"I advise you hold your sarcastic comments in the presence of higher ranking people." Homura warned.
For several seconds, although they all looked her full in the face, she said nothing. Then, with a gulp at the throat, she at length uttered the following; "I apologize."
"You may be here, Tsunade, but that doesn't mean you are competent in this matter. As we had seen, you failed to protect Konohagakure against the Akatsuki's attack."
Tsunade spoke with all the truthfulness of her nature for she had always been worrying intently over her people's safety. "I did everything we could have done in this situation. We were taken by surprise; nobody assumed more than one of the Akatsuki, let alone someone as powerful as Nagato."
"We had previously acquired one body of Pain before this accident. It is merely your laggardness that led us here." In that moment, it was clear that Danzo had not yet finished his monologue; he was only beginning to get the hang of it. Before the woman could have protested, he stopped her with his eyes and resumed. "Not only were you idle about your tasks, blood of shinobi dry on your hands too."
"What the hell are you implying here, Lord Danzo?" She was rather calm; at the same time Tsunade couldn't help but rose from her chair into which she was ordered back right after.
Before he continued, he looked around triumphantly and rested his eyes on her for a bitter minute.
"I am not implying, dear. I have proofs. First, I had received a letter before in which it is clearly stated how you are neglecting your duties in favor of the company of men. I believe you do remember that incident."
"The dead guy who attacked me."
"No one saw you being attacked, Tsunade. And that leads me to a very curious deduction; isn't it strange, that whenever you were surrounded by men they died? You are nothing but a Seducer and that is how you gain your titles!"
"That is utter bullshit!" It was the apparent heart that went in her explosion. If there was anything she hated more than lies, it was more, worse lies.
"Watch your mouth, Tsunade-sama." Danzo said and drew himself up with an air of hauteur. There was literally no higher to straighten that back but he was dying to finally destroy the woman on his right.
"I apologize, Lord Feudal." Tsunade's beautiful lips trembled as she apologized once again and little tears gathered in her eyes, which she endeavored to wipe off quickly. The room began to spin around her. Perhaps she should have stayed in coma. Or dead. Who cared?
Kakashi cleared his throat as it felt dry, but it was his heart beating heavily for her.
"It is not a foolish accusation. Dan Kato was found dead shortly after he had revealed his desire in becoming Hokage."
"He died in battle."
"Of course. And what about Jiraiya-sama, one of the Great Legendary Sannin? Why did he leave on a mission he knew was suicide?"
"Again, it was a battle. A horrible one."
"Battles come quite handy to you, don't they? You swirl people around your finger and toy with them as you please. It is definitely quite easier to climb upper on the ladder of ranks. You even managed to become a Hokage!"
Danzo made sure he'd go overboard, and so he did; upon spitting venomous lies, he shook his head dramatically, as if to emphasize the air of contempt that enveloped her. His words went through her like a sword. She found no words; her voice before she'd spoken, stopped dead; Tsunade stood up, trembling in every limb. "Tha⸺…That is…A lie."
Shizune placed her hand upon her shoulder and pressed it only so to sign she should sit back down. Tsunade obeyed, still trembling; however she could not decide whether it was from rage or from exhaustion.
"Here. Take a look at this." And it was that glorious moment, when the elder dropped several folders, minutely arranged for everyone. He handed one folder out to each member present and beckoned the former Kage to be the one opening her own first.
Blood rushed out of her head and she froze for a brief moment. Sudden sickness overwhelmed her but all she could say or do was; "How⸺...How do you have these?"
"It doesn't matter. You had killed your own father, for god knows what small reason. From the beginning, Tsunade, you are playing with men; you are taking advantage on them for your own unwholesome desires."
"These are the worst accusations I have ever heard! They don't stand on solid ground, so spit it, where are you trying to get to? What is it you are so freaking eager to spit in my face? This is how you want to get rid of me? This? How low can you go?"
"Enough." Lord Feudal said at length and the woman drowned a sob before it burst out of her.
"Bastard…" Shizune muttered under her breath and placed her free hand upon the woman's other shoulder. She needed to keep her down. Tsunade was trembling under her touch like a leaf, her thin, bony fingers around her mouth.
There came a pause then, after such soul-petrifying words which she could hardly believe she had heard right, although each syllable sank into her brain as with pointed steel. "It wasn't me…"
"Pardon me?" Danzo was fighting back a chuckle.
"It wasn't me… It wasn't. You know it too…" It was uncertain whether anyone had heard her, but the falling of tears betrayed her true sentiments. If there was any dignity left in her, Danzo was eager to take that away as well.
The elder broke her, the Serpent knew. Kakashi knew. The whole god damn Council knew.
The moment was of highest triumph, he could feel his blood boil with satisfaction. She became so beautiful then, as a spasm of inexplicable pain passed through her heart like fire, and a sense of haunting things, unconscious memories came over her.
"You are just like your mother Tsunade…"
The scenes flashed back before her eyes as if it was reality again.
"Come here, Tsunade…That kimono looks nice on you…"
"Who are you trying to seduce?..."
"You are just like her, Tsunade…Why do you have to look like her?"
"... Don't remind me of her, you nuisance!..."
"What is this dress on you?... How dare you look like this? …Are you trying to seduce me?... You're not her!"
"You're insane, Papa! You're insane…Insane !…"
"I'll teach you some respect!"
"Don't you dare run away from me! I'll make you respect me!"
"Please don't. Please. Papa please!"
She gave him suddenly then a most piercing look, raising her face a little. He saw earnest entreaty in them to stop. The little Senju was begging him to stop.
"You are a drunk, just like your father. You gamble just like your grandfather. There is nothing good in you, no empathy towards people. You drove this village to near annihilation and I bet your first thing to do now is to go and get drunk. I propose a vote now about the new Hokage's person. I propose myself as the following Leader of Konohagakure! And if I am elected to take office, Sasuke Uchiha will be declared rogue and shall be eliminated!"
"You can't do that!" It was the last straw for Kakashi Hatake.
"You have no word in this Kakashi Hatake! You'll be taken your license as a teacher! You couldn't even take care of three kids let alone look after any more! There will be order in this village from now on! Tsunade, you are not needed anymore. Leave. The vote doesn't concern you."
The little Senju rose from the table obedient as a puppy and after a bow of politeness she exited the suffocating chamber. A cowardly desire to lose consciousness ran through her, to forget herself, to hide her shame somewhere others couldn't reach. For a space of time, outside in the hallway there was silence all about them.
"Tsuna…I can get rid of him if you want."
"No, Oro. We are not like that."
"Oh, but I am." Orochimaru smirked. "It wasn't a big deal getting rid of Ijeharu. I can happily do it again."
"Stop, please. Don't talk about him like that."
Orochimaru rolled her eyes.
"I will never understand your generosity, Tsuna." The Serpent sighed and pulled her softly into Shizune's arms. Then, he spoke some gentle words into her ear and planted a kiss upon her forehead.
Kakashi was beginning to feel highly uncomfortable. Although from the outside a woman, the person holding and touching his beloved was another man in disguise. Orochimaru's actions, however seemed painfully honest, a fact that vexed the shinobi all the more; he had feelings for her, had he not? It was beyond doubt, now.
"If you need me, call. I have to get back to my evil things. I am becoming desperately bored at being nice. I am sure you understand."
"Okay…" Tsunade nodded and stepped away from him. "Thank you, Oro."
"For what?"
"Everything."
"Anytime, Love." Shizune winked and vanished in a blink of an eye.
Kakashi was well schooled in self-control. When the Serpent uttered that last word he heard, no muscle of his face betrayed the wounded pride and annoyance that burned deep in his heart. But Orochimaru standing directly in his path was a very different matter. That vile creature was right when he exclaimed that there shall be no friendship between them. Now he understood its true meaning. Before Kakashi could have poured more oil to the fire of his jealousy by over thinking things, Tsunade's soft grasp upon his shirt brought him back to the moment.
"I need a⸺…" The sentence was cut when the woman dropped with exhaustion.
"Tsuna!"
The shinobi was faster than gravity; he outstretched his arms and made her sit against the wall. He crouched by the woman's side and pulled out a small flask of water from his jacket's pocket and held it to her dry lips. After some drops lingered down her throat, she gradually regained her consciousness. He helped her back on her feet and said; "Let's go…"
A few clouds sprawled in their beds of blue across the sky; the heat, the perfume, were, as always, painfully excessive; the sunlight bathed the huge trees and giant leaves with that habitual extravagance which made it seem ordinary, almost cheap. Very silent the wooden houses lay all about them amidst the ruins and debris and there were no footsteps seen on now ruined pavements.
"Nobody cared about what he said. His intention was only to paralyze you."
"I know…I know, Kakashi. But still…Those…Those things…I just…Those things were the only things I wished to keep to myself."
"Danzo could not acquire the title by killing you. He needed another weapon to use. Your past was that weapon. Trust me, Tsunade, they don't care about those files. Danzo must have threatened the Elders to vote for him, but he still needed something to make it look democratic in front of the Feudal Lord. Your secret won't get out."
"It is out!" She growled at him, her faint voice tainted with wrath. "Oro knows, because he saved my pitiable ass. You know, too, but that is it…" Here, Tsunade took a second's pause, for the thunder of emotions exhausted her weary state even more. They stopped on their walk again and she looked up at his face. "I never had the guts to tell it to Jiraiya, Grandpa had no guts to tell Grandma, Uncle Tobirama ordered to burn these fucking files and that same night… Nawaki-kun died in a fire… Uncle said it was justice… I just wanted it to stay mine. Stay my reality."
"Tsunade… I wanted the same, too, for myself. After father's death. I loathed the way they looked at me from that moment on. People changed their way of speaking to me, their gestures, everything. I disdain pity too. Skeletons climb out of the closet, even if you lock the door because someone will open it."
"Do you know…Do you know how I felt then?" She lifted her sorrowful gaze at him again and something in Kakashi touched a painful chord. "When he⸺…When…It felt like an eternity in Hell, Kakashi. never-ending dance with an abhorrent monster. I didn't remember it for a while. I could be so happy…And now I can feel it again. Those papers, Kakashi…They were not…supposed to be intact…"
She did not let him hold her; the moment was too sensitive and she was in agony. Tsunade shielded herself from him by stepping away, but her motions were uncertain and shaky; she fell upon the dirty ground.
Kakashi helped her back on her feet without uttering a word. Her truth as she spoke it increased his own sense of isolation, of solitude, of melancholy and at the same time also made him need her more. In that very instance, however, he knew that there was nothing more he could have said to soothe the storm in her spirit. He wiped her pale face clean with the edge of his shirt sleeve. "I'll help you get home and you can get some rest."
"I don't have a home, Kakashi. I used to live at the Residence. I have no freaking home here." She muttered under her nose as they betook on their way. Tsunade walked close by his side, her hand softly gripping his arm.
"You have mine." Was the soft answer he replied.
"Don't be so kind now." Tsunade sighed and rubbed her forehead. She did not say it but she was glad to hear his voice; it made her feel easier in her mind. "It makes me feel like you pity me." She added quietly.
"Pity is something I have never felt for you." He answered patiently.
The words floated out across the ground towards the wall of green darkness where the woods rose high unto the Heavens.
They walked home slowly and the village around them was confused; there was no adventure in it or suggestion of a great past least of all. Everything had already disappeared. It was in the Past, now.
She found the little flat quite unchanged but full of life. "This home is always so cozy…" The yearning, for want of sympathy and the hunger, for lack of compassion grew very strong and urgent in her. She began to long passionately just then for joy and for that revelation of it which included somewhere the personal emotional of a strangely pure love.
"Why, thank you, I take the compliment. Just lie down; I'll bring some herbal tea." Kakashi let go of her hand and kissed her on the cheek. Upon taking the shoes off in the little hall, he led himself to the kitchen and grabbed the old kettle.
"Thank you, but I can stand." She replied and leaned against the wall for support.
"Please lie down, Tsuna. You barely have any chakra left. I am surprised you had enough to argue."
"Don't start, Kakashi Hatake." Tsunade groaned audibly and forced herself into his bedroom. The sight of his shuriken blanket made her smile for reasons unknown even to herself. His sense of orderliness always amused her. The home was quiet and Kakashi's bedroom was darker than the rest.
"Now I am Kakashi Hatake, hm?" The shinobi smiled and answered from the kitchen. "I am just trying to cheer you up, Tsuna."
"Well…I guess it is working a little." She confessed to him. Upon lying on the soft cover, she found herself speculating feebly about Kakashi's favorite dish and she sighed with faint gaiety to herself.
"A little?" Kakashi returned from the kitchen with a hot mug of tea in his hands. He sat at the edge of the bed and handed her the warm nepenthe.
"Thank you…It smells nice…" Tsunade sat up and took a sip from the tea. She looked at him as she drank and something happened; his general aloofness was abruptly stripped away.
Her eyes, that sight that gazed him, which then turned away to watch the singular motion of the tea within the mug in that flashing instant made him naked and shelterless, soul to soul. In that blinding sweetness as she looked at him there was light, and with the immediate withdrawal there was instant darkness in his heart
"You smell nice." The words slipped out and he rubbed his forehead nervously.
"What?" Tsunade couldn't help but giggle. She placed down the half-empty mug on the little bedside table and listened to him. She fancied his nervousness, and wanted to relieve the tension in both from the Council's Meeting by finding words. "I smell nice?"
"No…Nothing…" His heart began to beat more rapidly. Without hint or warning, her perfectness swept him with a pain and happiness well nigh intolerable. It drenched him and was gone. No lightning flash could have equaled the swiftness of its amazing passage; something tore in him; the emotion was enveloping but very tender; it was both terrible yet dear. All it took was a smile. A simple smile yet glorious in its loveliness. Then, ashamed of his comment, he endeavored to explain himself. "You have no idea how happy I am that you're here."
"You thought I'd die? Oh please."
Their eyes touched with a suggestive and melancholy smile and the shinobi, with a moment's hesitation at length said; "I saw you die, Tsuna. It was the worst moment of my life."
Something impure and abandoned stirred in her at his words; she welcomed his honesty and delighted in it. She feasted her eyes and ears, the blood rose feverishly to her head. "You won't lose me." Tsunade replied with a warm smile, and thought she could change the course of her thoughts; an aggressive passion was taking its place and spread like wildfire both in her mind and body.
Kakashi was too gentle, too kind, the desire for contact, physical contact, became a vehement aching that she scarcely could restrain, and her body was hungry for him. He was her only source of joy, granting her bodily and mentally bliss anytime she desired.
Kakashi was her everything.
Shame touched her faintly for a moment, but at once died away again. No longer ashamed, but with a fiery pleasure in her heart, she spoke at last. "Kiss me."
The next, as he touched her and his arms took her with rough strength against his breast, her shame vanished, and she was utterly undone. She knew that she loved him; she knew that she needed him, wanted him, and yearned for him. Her desire, which leapt like fire to rejoice in his glorious manliness was met and merged with that similar devouring flame in him.
Now, she was very close and her scent came on his chest with her breath, like the perfume of the summer garden. He touched the material carelessly; it was of softest smooth green silk. It seemed he touched her that lay beneath it, for she sighed against the mouth that was so passionate in claiming her own.
And at that touch, some fire of lightning ran through every vein and she responded to him with the same eagerness. He kissed her, over and over, deeper and gentler, holding her to him so fiercely that she scarcely moved. He whispered a thousand things. He knew not what he said. He loved.
The shinobi laid her down upon the shuriken cover and spread her limbs with his own. Their fingers interlocked and the tongues swayed and battled to the carnal tunes of the soul. There was no doubt about it; he ardently desired her and that in this turmoil of desire he sought eagerly to feel love.
To feel her love.
Kakashi kneeled between Tsunade's thighs and she moaned at his closeness, at his scent, at his every kiss and motion half of satisfaction, yet half, it seemed, of pain, the pain of impatience.
Urged by her arduous desires for the man atop her, she pressed him to claim her; victory brought intense relief, and her long fingers moved from his hands up onto his back. He knew every inch of her and within her as if she was his favorite toy; Kakashi took only what enflamed, what gratified, and what satisfied him and she swayed her wide, warm hips to his every fierce command. He kissed like Eros and fucked like Ares and she screamed and cried in joy she knew were unholy.
The battle seemed, at first, uneven, since he took whole possession of her and without resistance, she replied to his every need. Tsunade dug her short nails into his back and folded her long, pale legs over his hips before her beauty overpowered him and with his last, aggressive thrust, climax swept reflection utterly away. Kakashi fell beside her body, upon which perspiration glistened. They panted in quiet chorus for some moments and at length, Tsunade brought herself atop him.
Passions in Kakashi awoke once more, so deep, so ardent, so imperious, that he conceived them as born of the need of one soul for another. The frontier between physical and spiritual passion was perilously narrow. His judgment, at any rate, became insecure, then floundered hopelessly. The sound of her little moans overwhelmed its balance instantly as she sank down on him and welcomed him inside. Her sweet juices warmed his pulsating manhood and sent shivers through him like wild electricity. She burned to give her very best, her all, and for his highest satisfaction.
Every feminine art was at her disposal, as every use of magic pertaining to such fresh and comely womanhood was easily within her reach. She rode him with passion, she owned him until the last inch of his body and soul and she did so without mercy, until gradually he groaned his bliss beneath her sways and filled her fertile womb with the seeds of life.
Chiefly in the eyes and in the sweet lines about the mouth Kakashi noticed the air of subtle triumph that she wore: that she had captured him for her very own at last, and yet, for there was this singular hint in her attitude and behavior—that she had taken him, because she had this curious deep need of him.
The desire lay in her very soul. She gave to him all she had to give over and over during that night, and in doing so she tried to satisfy the hunger of her being which lay beyond his comprehension or interpretation; she was a nymph, a muse, a goddess.
The shameless night drew on some exquisite veil, as the moon, between three quarters and the full, slid out of sight behind a streaky cloud. A breath, it seemed, of lighter wind woke all the perfume of the burdened forest leaves.
For a considerable time now, with limbs tangled upon the covers, the lovers were resting in each other's embrace. Tsunade's weary, red lips planted soft, eternal kisses over Kakashi's collarbone and he returned the loving incitation with the caressing of the back of her head.
She knew that this was Heaven. And she knew that there were times when she'd deceive herself most admirably about the futility of love and being loved again; and there were other times when she plainly saw the truth. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment.
"Is everything okay?" Kakashi murmured against the golden tendrils about her face and leaned a little away to take a better look at the woman so comfortably pressed against him.
"I just…" Tsunade took a deep breath and inhaled his scent. "I'm feeling a little dizzy."
"Let me get you some water." To leave her side, his every cell resisted and she held him tight too, for a little longer. Kakashi got out of bed at length, and wrapped the pillow's torn cover over his waist. "Do you need anything else?"
Tsunade shook her head. Whilst she waited, she dragged her spent body under the shuriken blanket and lifted her eyes at the ceiling. From the faint cracks upon the wall she would surely be able to make out some shapes, she thought to herself and a smile passed unnoticed over her lips. She sighed again and the lungs thanked for the warm fresh air.
Life was good. The moon was full and low in the heavens and casted its pale white light upon the gardens where quaint pagodas peeped from pleasing clumps of bushes, and where the walks were bordered with delicate blossoms. Konoha still preserved very little pieces of beauty, in it.
She never thought she could say that again, let alone truly feel it. But life was good by his side. No hardship could ruin the joy his simple presence produced whenever around him. He wore an air of true bliss, when it came to her.
Once inside the little room, he closed the door with exceeding gentleness, lest the vibration might stir her. She was still awake, however. "Here you go…I'm sorry, Tsuna. I guess we got carried away a little."Kakashi apologized with a half, warm smile and sat at the edge of the bed. He handed her the glass of fresh, cold water and watched her every motion with concern.
"It's all right. I am happy that we did." She downed the cold water and lay back upon the bed, inviting him back to her with a caress on his arm.
"Still…Are you sure you don't need anything? I guess I have some chocolate from last year."
"Lie back beside me. That is enough." She whispered and nestled into his arms and Kakashi closed his eyes to rest them. Moments passed in peaceful silence and their bodies, loosely wrapped in the shuriken blanket, were bathed in the faint moonbeams.
"Kakashi…" Tsunade whispered against the shinobi's chest. She hesitated upon breaking the harmony of stillness but her emotions were stronger than her rationality.
"Hm?" He asked with eyes still closed.
"Are you happy?"
"I am. Why?"
"I am too…" She muttered and after a pause, she spoke again. "Kakashi…"
"Yes, my Love?" Kakashi, this time, opened his eyes and ran his fingers through her hair.
"Is there…us?"
"Isn't there?"
"I don't know. You tell me…It's been a while I knew how these things work."
"I love you. Be with me. Be only with me and I promise to be with you too, only."
"Sounds like a fair deal…"
"Does it answer your question then?" The shinobi smiled and his eyelids felt heavy.
Tsunade suddenly felt uncomfortable. She unlocked herself from his arms and turned to face the wall. "Nevermind…I hate sentimental bullshit as well."
He put his head up in the darkness. "Tsuna," He said softly, "What's wrong?"
She heard the sentence, only she said nothing because she felt her thought was better unexpressed. She was afraid to hear the words in the darkness.
"What do you need me to do to make you feel safe?"
The deep hush of the summer night lay over all as she hesitated with her response. "I'm sorry…I don't know what got into me."
"Do you believe me when I say I love you?"
"I do."
"Good. Do you wish to talk of the future? Do you have plans with me?"
"You are trying to cheer me up again, aren't you?" She sighed a little smile and turned back to face him.
"I might be, yes." He was curious nonetheless. "So?" As he asked, he brushed a tendril away from her face.
"I don't…usually have many dreams, you know? I don't remember daydreaming ever in my life. It has been just too bitter all along."
"How is it now?"
"It's better…But…I am afraid, Kakashi. That's it. You have it. I am terrified."
"Of what exactly?" He cocked an eyebrow as at first her words sounded unclear.
"Of losing you." She was glad her reddened cheeks were invisible in the grey light. She pulled the blanket up to her lips and shot her eyes down for a moment. "I could never be happy for such a long time as this."
"You mean…The past few months?"
"The past three years since I've known you. This is so long it feels surreal. I am utterly horrified it's going to end soon."
"If it ends, know that I loved you and I hoped we'd have a family and a dull life on a farm."
"That is so cliché to say…" Tsunade almost giggled.
"It's true." The shinobi smiled. "That is my daydream of us."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Well…I never really thought of having children." She admitted.
"Would you mind having some with me, then?" Kakashi proposed and he sounded so unnaturally curious she struggled to believe he was actually serious.
"I don't exactly have a good family image in my head. My mother died after she gave birth to me. My father…He became insane. My grandfather was a coward and instead of resolving the family issues he created more with the Uchiha clan. And my uncle…I think he loved me the most. I used to believe he loved my mother, that is why he was so heartlessly cruel when he…did justice to my father."
"By killing your half-brother?"
"Yes." She nodded with a heavy sigh. "He was a kind child, Kakashi. I did love him dearly…You know, I can sympathize with Sasuke-kun quite easily. His clan, the Uchiha, weren't the only difficult ones; we were terrible too. But if you own the Hokage's seat, suddenly such reports become lost and others are blamed. Lord Danzo was right, I didn't inherit any good. I drink and I gamble. How could you possibly want children from me?"
"Promise you won't take them drinking and gambling and I guess were good." Kakashi's efforts in lightening the mood seemed successful; Tsunade burst in little laughs so he could guide her back into his arms. "Cease your thoughts for tonight. Everything will be fine, I can promise you."
"Don't make promises you cannot keep…"
"I promise you, Tsuna. Everything will be okay."
She heard him and fell asleep with a heart brimmed with an expectant wonder that was happiness.
In the small hours of the morning, Tsunade woke from deep slumber. She couldn't recall the time she had a peaceful night like this. She felt rested. The sun was already creeping above the surrounding hills and its orange rays flashed right through the windows, and ended at the wall above her. She sat up to find a note, which said;
I had to leave. I will be back once work is done. You're home.
-Kashi
She planted a kiss upon the piece of paper and decided to begin the day with a long shower. Tsunade then made a hearty breakfast by using everything from the fridge and sat alone in the dining room with her feet upon the table. She was looking at some miscellaneous bottles of wine and spirit and wondered if Kakashi would mind if she had opened one now.
A little later during the day, she decided to read and sit out at the balcony, but in his room there were no books to her taste. The idea of entering the other room in the flat struck her fancy at once; after all, Rin did not live here anymore, thus there was nothing to trespass. "This feels so wrong…" She concluded but could not ascertain the sensation to a fact. Was it her own excited imagination, or the misty influence of the atmosphere, or the uncertain light of the chamber, or the dull grey draperies which caused in her so strong of a vacillation?
"It's just a book Tsuna…" She endeavored to talk some sense to herself but even the simple shutting of the door disturbed her greatly. She left it open, thus, and furthered in the empty room towards the desk. "Okay…I'm sure there are books in here…" She resumed in talking to herself and looked around. The desk was in great disorder; books, notes, papers of all kinds were scattered and lay around the floor. Pens and pencils hung everywhere they weren't supposed to and the large oak wardrobe's doors were left wholly open. She felt suddenly nauseous and decided to take her leave. However, it was too late; Tsunade fell on her knees upon the ground and grabbed the trash bin from her right side. From the corner of her eye she caught the sight of a little, torn paper falling out whilst she filled the bin with a different content. "I should have stayed in bed…" She groaned to herself and wiped her mouth with the sleeve of Kakashi's shirt that she had taken on earlier that day. With a strong feeling of curiosity, she approached the little note with her fingers and lifted it to her eyes. The note read the following;
Rain's Hand 10, E346
The Senju is hard to hate. Still, I am craving to hate her. I need to hate her just as much as I am beginning to hate him. I don't see him at night with women anymore…I am dreading to admit myself that their relationship is serious. It makes me sick to think about it. She is old! She used to be old! How come she has anything she wants in life and me…And I am here, writing this diary and my tears fall and they fall endlessly. I am longing to hurt them…I am longing to hurt something of them. If it is not them, physically, for I am so weak compared to them…Something that is precious…If it was broken…If I broke it…Perhaps Kakashi would return to me. Can't he see how much I suffer?
Tsunade's hands began to tremble and another wave of sickness forced her on her knees. The tea she prepared came back in a less tasteful view and she sat there, in the dull grey light, with a piece of Rin's diary, shaking with feelings unable to account for.
The evening had already closed in upon her and the darkness came, when Kakashi entered the cozy flat. He found her in his bedroom, looking out the open window for some considerable time, motionless, and listening idly to the singing of a thrush or blackbird in the shrubberies. "You're back…" She spoke at last, but her words expressed no emotion.
"Yeah. Busy day…" Kakashi noticed the change in her behavior. He dropped his jacket on the cupboard and unbuttoned his shirt while he spoke. "Danzo did declare Sasuke rogue. He has already sent two teams after him."
"What a bastard…" Tsunade sighed.
"That is not all." He stepped to her and kissed her. "I am afraid Sakura-chan is not taking the news too well. Naruto either. I promised to accompany him to the Land of Iron for the 5 Kage's Summit where he could speak with the Raikage to ask his pardon for Sasuke's actions."
"Poor things…I don't believe that Sasuke is truly evil, Kakashi. Something tells me we are missing something out."
"I know." He sighed and nodded in apprehension. "I feel the same. This is far more complicated than it seems. Oh, almost forgot, I brought you some ramen. I figured you'd be hungry. There is not much food in the fridge."
"Thank you but I am not really hungry…" She lied, even to herself. "I want to give you something too." Tsuna began and handed the shinobi the piece of paper, from Rin's diary. "Please read it."
"What is it?" Kakashi asked but the writing was rapidly recognized. "Oh...Where did you find it?"
"I believe it is a piece from this diary." She gave it to him, that unwelcome sensation conquering her again as she spoke of it. "I don't pry on others' lives so I did not read into it, but… Rin was really in love with you, wasn't she?"
"Yes she was." He nodded and took the diary. Kakashi opened it and at first read one of the earliest notes.
Hearthfire 17, E344
He didn't notice…I brought those flowers to Obito's grave. I didn't forget it as he thought I would. I just hoped he'd see... Obi-kun…Why did you leave us? Kakashi has been broken ever since. I can't seem to fix him, although we have some nice moments. Obi-kun…Am I really this worthless? They taught me to keep my feelings to myself…They taught me to always smile…But these feelings, Obi-kun…I feel like they are eating me alive…What if I lose control? What if I…change? I don't want to change…I know I am a good person…But those evil feelings…I am not supposed to feel jealous or angry…A woman like me must not feel pain, must not…Cry…Just…Smile.
Hearthfire 25, E344
I saw him again with that wench…Why would he need some worthless woman instead of me? Can't he see they just want to…Kakashi, I am right here…I don't have to be your friend only…They say a new Hokage is coming soon. I wonder how he will be. Rumors say it's a woman. Others even add that she is the most beautiful person amongst kunoichi. I hope its lies. Things are good between us. I just have to hold on. I pray every day. I ask for some joy…But they don't grant it yet…Did I do something wrong? Am I a bad person? Do I not deserve to be happy? Why can't I be happy with someone else? He will eventually notice me. After all…It has been at least ten years…I know I am close. I don't want to change…I feel like I am going mad. I feel too much. I shouldn't.
Evening Star 23, E344
I saw them…At the training grounds. I cannot stop crying…Always others. Not me. Before, he would spend his time with whores. Some useless women he'd meet up after missions. But now, it's all about the Hokage. I can't even bother to remember her name. A Senju. Suna, or Sara…He seems happier day by day. It cannot be because of her. I have been the one always taking care of him! I was the one…I AM the one! I am losing control, Obi-kun. Nobody cares about me. You did…Nobody sees through my fake smiles. Nobody cares. You did.
He turned another page.
Rain's Hand 7, E346
I am going insane. I really am. I feel things I haven't before. I feel…Rage…Envy…This is consuming me, I can feel it. Praying doesn't help anymore. I just end up crying. And I cry. Kakashi…He had used me all along. He took advantage of my love for him. He pulled me close when he desired and pushed me away any other time. I cannot bear this any longer…Obi-kun…If you had been alive, we could have been so happy…Why did you leave us? You ruined my chance with Kakashi… You and Tsunade Senju. I've tried to ruin her. She ignored my warnings. She ignored me! And now…Do you know what I did, Obi-kun? I watched them. Yes…I did. I needed to see it. I wanted to see how he would sleep with her; I wanted to imagine that it was me…Kakashi was like how I imagined him those lonely nights… He could be so gentle and then so… Powerful. I sighed when the Senju sighed and I moaned inside when she did too… I felt her pleasure, as if it was mine. I want her dead. I want her to die. I've become a sinner…Praying doesn't help anymore.
"Holy hell…"
Her following words shocked him inexpressibly.
Sun's Height 22, E346
I've made my decision. Tomorrow I am going to talk to him. I will confess my feelings to him. This cannot go on any longer. He needs to choose me. He must leave the Senju once and for all. And then, I will tell him to start a family. I am only aging. I don't pray anymore. I wish for her to die. That has become my ultimate desire, and it turns me on, it fills me with passion and yearning to see her suffer. I want her to know what is real pain. I want her to cry and beg for me to help and I just want to smash my boots against that perfect face of hers. She is too beautiful. Her bosom is rounder than mine. Her waist is wide and inviting to be held. Her thighs whisper the most lustful chants. Kakashi cannot get enough of it. They are like rabbits. Rabbits should be poisoned. I need her to die. And Kakashi too.
At first, he thought he did want to read further, but then he stopped. His heart gave a distinct, restless leap. His lips formed themselves into speaking but at first, he couldn't talk. He gasped.
"Where is she, Kakashi?"
"I have but the slightest of idea, Tsuna. Whenever she vanished, usually she'd find shelter at her aunt's little cottage just past the waters."
"She has gone mad…" Affliction was well audible in her words. She pulled the blanket around her as she suddenly began to feel cold.
"That is completely my fault." Kakashi confessed with a sigh and sat at the edge of the bed.
"You didn't do anything."
"That's the point. She is right. I didn't. I took advantage of her feelings for me and did as I pleased with it. It was not intentional, I was in a very wrong place for too long. Rin's efforts were not enough to pull me out of it so I dragged her down with me. She didn't mind. I swear I was unaware how helplessly she was in love with me. If I had known…But I cannot change it anymore."
"You need to talk to her nonetheless."
"I will. But it has to wait" He sighed and cut his sentence in half to think. "I need to leave with what's left of my Team, even though I am not their sensei anymore."
"Don't care about that. These are not times of order." Was what she said and placed her hand over his shoulder.
He gave a squeeze to her hand and turned to her. "Gods, I really didn't know how serious this was. We never talked about feelings. I feel terrible."
"She will be all right. But you must go gentle on her. Rin is a good person, you know it too. And she is your friend."
"You are right…She had watched us, Tsuna. That is insane."
"I have seen worse. Rin-chan was desperate. I can forgive her hate. She doesn't truly mean it."