There were faint glimpses of things, mixing together like a dream, or someone telling him a story that he could hardly hear.

"…most of it. Would have died if not for that."

"Is he okay now?"

"He'll be indisposed for a while, but yes, he should be fine when he wakes…"

The nonsense whispers of probably-people, the clattering of sharp things, the harsh sound of rumbling that turned into an annoying shrill sound. He was never fully awake for any of it, just barely conscious enough to sense some things vaguely. He couldn't really feel anything, could just hear little noises and groggily try to piece them together, but he always drifted back out before he could decipher them.

When he woke up for real, he couldn't remember any of that little chorus of noises. He was only aware of a warmth on his hand, an ache in his throat and stomach, and the haze that remained of his sleep. It felt like he'd been sleeping for a week; he felt heavy and subdued, and his mouth felt like it had been stuffed with cotton.

He didn't want to open his eyes yet, as he could see the dark red behind his eyelids that meant there would be lights to greet him, and that didn't sound fun. Carefully, he tightened the hand that was covered in warmth, and was pleased to realize that someone was holding his hand with their own. They gave him a squeeze back, and pressed something soft to the back of his hand.

Oh. That was a kiss, he realized.

"Alfred?" A soft, yet deep voice asked.

Alfred carefully opened his eyes, hissing a little at the light then gritting his teeth when making that noise irritated his throat. He blinked through the adjustment and the sleep in his eyes, and when the face near him came into focus, he inhaled sharply.

"Alfred," Ivan said, looking tired and worn, but smiling slightly, "You're awake. Do you know where you are?"

Raising his eyebrows at Ivan, he tilted his head slightly and made to shoot a sarcastic comment at him, but it made his throat ache again. He sucked in air through his teeth, and Ivan caught on, handing him a paper cup of water.

Carefully, Alfred lifted the hand not connected to an IV to his mouth and managed a mouthful of the slightly cool liquid. It helped slightly, so he tried to carefully clear his throat. When that didn't hurt too much, he nodded and handed the cup back.

"…Hospital," he murmured, and looked down at his stomach, "Pills. Not dead, so… they got it all?"

Ivan nodded, seeming relieved, "Yes. Well, actually, you got most of it when we had you throw up back at your place." Alfred winced a little and Ivan frowned in sympathy, "That's part of why your throat hurts. Since we weren't sure if there were still enough pills in your system to cause you harm, they pumped your stomach, too. That's the other reason you're going to feel sore."

Alfred groaned quietly and closed his eyes, remembering everything that had happened in its entirety and feeling ashamed and embarrassed for it. And worse than just having it happen, he'd involved Ivan, too, way to go him.

"How long?" He asked, and Ivan ran his fingers along the back of Alfred's hand.

"They brought you in yesterday afternoon, and you've been in here since then. It's about," Ivan checked his watch, "11 A.M. Francis came in last night to check on you, and I told him what you told me, I hope that's okay."

Alfred nodded a little, "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Alfred," Ivan said quietly, and Alfred felt a burning behind his eyes that had him looking up at the ceiling and shaking his head.

He took a deep breath, steeling himself, and closed his eyes again. He might as well get it all out in the open, now, since obviously Ivan would have questions.

Where did he get the pills? What were they for? The same old song and dance.

But Ivan was silent, no doubt giving Alfred some time to collect himself, bless him. He wasn't really sure if he should, though. He wanted him to know, he really did, but it was early into their… well, if they still had a relationship, it was very early into it, and he didn't want to lump him with a ton of crap only to have him not even stick around to make it worth it in some way. That would suck.

No point in hiding it now, though, so he cleared his throat and spoke quietly.

"I've got schizophrenia with a side order of depression. Have for a while now. Those pills I took were anti-psychotics meant to help the auditory hallucinations that I have."

He exhaled, "I also have bulimia. If you're not sure, that means I tend to purge my system of food fairly soon after I've eaten. I used to do it the old fashioned way, just puking it up after meals, but," he shuddered a little, "research and professional help told me that doing it that way could lead to some very gross other effects. So I tried other things. Diuretics, over-exercise , or just not eating sometimes, whatever I needed to do to not feel like an overweight piece of shit."

Alfred chuckled humorlessly, "Which is stupid, because I'm not overweight, and I know that. Actually, if we're talking BMI, I think I'm actually underweight, and have been for years." He shrugged, "But it's a harsh industry, I'm under pressure." Opening his eyes with a snort, he looked at the wall across from the bed, "That's a shit excuse, everyone's under pressure, but there you go.

In the dancing industry you've got this stigma- you have to be a certain size to do this-" he reached for the cup again and took a shaky sip of water, "…You've got to look like you're a stick made of glass or no one wants to see what you can do. And that's such bullshit, too, cause I've seen bigger people look absolutely amazing while dancing."

He scoffed, "And you know, I'm a fucking hypocrite, too, cause I tell everyone that comes into my class to take care of themselves, and eat a lot and hydrate and don't overwork themselves, then I go home and do exactly what I've told them is bad."

Even though he felt like he needed to shut up at this point, and not really sure why he continued to ramble, He closed his eyes again as they started to water a little and continued, "So I do that, and that only adds to how shitty I feel normally because of the whole depression bullshit, which, let me tell you, is hell. It's just hell.
Then, special little me also got lumped with a case of schizophrenia a year or two ago, which I've been told probably springs from the depression or the happy meds, one of them, and depression is just a much funner game when you've got fucking voices in your head telling you that all your insecurities are real, and everyone hates you for them, and you're and even lower piece of shit than you think you are."

He inhaled a harsh breath, "And again, I know that's crap, and I know that I have people who care about me, but try telling that to them. I have, it doesn't work, because they're not actually separate consciousnesses, or whatever, they're just products of my own self-doubt and loathing, and I know that."

He felt an angry red flutter in his gut, nervousness at putting these words to the air, but some part of him made him keep talking, to get it all out. Alfred turned his head towards the IV machine, throat aching again, "But it doesn't help that I know it. I could write essays and novels and screenplays and shit about how much I fucking know it, but the thing about depression and schizophrenia is that I'm going to feel awful even if I want to feel good. Even if I've got something to feel good about, I might not feel good about it, depending on how my brain feels like distributing things that day. I can have a really damn good day, and then I won't, because I'll either get hit with some serious sadness, hardcore apathy, lethargy, and if it's one of those days, I might even have a panic attack."

He looked back at Ivan now, "And then I feel like crap even more because that's not how I'm supposed to be feeling, and not how I want to feel, but I feel it anyway. It's not fair, and life's not fair, and whoever fucking dished out all this shit should be shipped directly to hell A.S.A.P."

He was quiet for a moment, and Ivan was too, just looking at him with a very neutral expression on his face that Alfred didn't like, but then it wouldn't have mattered what Ivan's reaction was, Alfred wouldn't have liked it. There was no good way to react to that, and Alfred knew that from experience. So, he wiped his hand over his eyes and leaned back against his pillows.

"Sorry. You didn't sign up for a lecture-rant thing about my issues," he muttered, frowning and putting his arm back down, "And look, you didn't really know what you were getting into with this whole thing-" he made a hand gesture between them, "there was a whole fucking addendum with a list of all my problems that you never got to see before you signed up, so if you want to just want to have a clean break, I'm not gonna hold a grudge against you for it or anything." He smiled, but it was almost more like a grimace, "Better we cut ties now, nip it in the bud and all that."

Now Ivan gripped Alfred's hand and sighed harshly, "I'd rather not, thanks."

Alfred gave Ivan a look, and he shrugged, "You may not have told me about what you were going through, but I still knew that you saw Francis for a reason. I wasn't completely in the dark about the fact that there was something you felt the need to see someone for."

He took Alfred's hand in both of his and toyed with his fingers, "Mostly, I'm happy that you've told me that much about yourself. And you know," he smiled a little and met Alfred's eyes, "I'm not someone who would betray the trust of people I care about. You've let me in on a very personal part of your life, trusted me to not throw it back in your face or insult you about it, and that's a very important thing to me." He looked back down to Alfred's hand and brushed his thumb over Alfred's knuckles, "You've given me something very special, so thank you for that, Alfred." He kissed the back of Alfred's hand and heard the short hitch of breath that came with the action.

"…You, uh," Alfred coughed a little and looked away, a bit warm in the face, "You're welcome, I guess?"

Ivan smiled against his skin and rested his arms against the bed, "Mm. So, if it's alright with you, I'd like to continue to date you."

When he looked up to Alfred's face, the other's eyes were closed and he was shaking his head, "…This might happen again. And I'll probably have a ton of panic attacks, and, and I'll probably be really bitchy sometimes…"

"And I'll be there with you through it, I suppose," Ivan said calmly, and Alfred shook his head again.

"I'll lock myself away, maybe, or I might hallucinate and yell or just hide under the covers and never come out, that happens."

"I'll give you space," Ivan said, "and if you need anything, I'll be there."

Alfred groaned and pressed his face into his pillow, ears turned red, "…This is sounding a lot like marriage vows, dude."

That got a nice-sounding laugh from Ivan, and Alfred looked back to see him grinning, "Well that's skipping a few steps, I think."

Smiling a little himself, Alfred snorted, "No kidding. But uh," he swallowed, "Thanks for the sentiment, and stuff."

"And stuff," Ivan nodded.

Awkwardly clearing his throat and settling back into the pillow behind him, Alfred exhaled, "Right, so uh. Without sounding like marriage vows again, or like, selling our souls away or whatever, can we agree to try and take care of each other, both of us, while we're together, for however long that is?"

Ivan seemed surprised, but then he nodded and smiled brightly, "Okay."

Alfred nodded and couldn't help but smile as well, "Okay." He nodded again, "Okay."

At that moment, Ivan leaned forward towards him, and when he and Alfred made eye contact, everything kind of made sense. Then Alfred's eyes slipped closed and they were kissing. It was chaste, because no doubt Alfred had some bad breath going on from hospital and drugs and stuff, but it was enough to make his heart flutter a little. Which would have been fine, if the heart monitor connected to Alfred hadn't been tracking the whole thing.

There was a clear increase and skip in Alfred's heart-rate, and Ivan chuckled against his lips, making Alfred groan and lean forward to press his head to Ivan's shoulder.

"Shut up, you."

"I didn't say anything."

"Your smug face says it all," Alfred huffed, patting Ivan's chest and keeping his own face hidden from him, "Wouldn't be so funny if it were you were the one hooked up."

"It probably would, actually," Ivan argued, and Alfred chuckled before bringing his hand up to run his fingers against Ivan's jaw, "Yeah, probably."

Smiling softly, Ivan turned his head to press a kiss to Alfred's palm, and when the monitor skipped again, he grinned against his skin.

"Not a single word," Alfred warned, pushing his hand up into Ivan's face to move him away, "Jesus, you've got some kind of charming-sickness or something, don't you?"

Still smiling brightly, Ivan shrugged and moved Alfred's hand away from his face to put it over his heart and flutter his lashes, "Or something."

Alfred groaned loudly and fell back against the pillow, "Get out, oh my god."

For a long while, Alfred and Ivan just talked, not about anything really important, mostly bad jokes and food, but it was comforting, and got Alfred's mind off of things in a way he felt he needed.

Francis showed up into the afternoon, and immediately sat down with his chart, a pen, and his glasses, "Alright, Alfred, I got most of the story from Ivan, but if you'd tell me how it happened from your perspective…" He looked at Ivan, "Ah," he turned back to Alfred, "Does it matter to you if he's here?"

Alfred blinked, seeming a little surprised at the very sudden interrogation, but he exhaled and gave Ivan an apologetic look, "…Can you give us a minute?"

With a little smile of understanding, Ivan pat Alfred's leg, "Of course. I'll get a coffee or something." He leaned down and kissed Alfred's forehead once before leaning the room, and Alfred settled into the pillows.

After following Ivan's retreat with his eyes, Francis gave Alfred a look, "Are you two together, then?"
Shrugging a shoulder, Alfred hummed a little, "Maybe, yeah. We were yesterday, and we talked about it today and decided that we still are, so."

"Well congratulations," Francis said cheerfully, twirling his pen for a moment, "I'm glad to see that you two have gotten so close. I think it'll be good for both of you."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure you said that about him taking my class in the first place," Alfred said, raising an eyebrow at him, and Francis shrugged.

"Well," he tapped his pen to the edge of his clipboard, "Then I meant it would be good for the both of you to meet new people, stir things up, maybe meet someone that you can talk to about your thoughts and personal demons besides me. But now I mean that a relationship will be good for the both of you; each of you could use someone with that level of personal connection and devotion." He hummed, "Yes, this could go very well."

Alfred made a little noise of disapproval, "You say that like it could go bad."

Francis shrugged, "Where I don't find that likely, it's possible." He waved a hand as if to clear that thought from the air, "But! We're talking about what happened, now."

With a sinking feeling in his gut, Alfred leaned back and let out a breath, "Alright, what do you want to know?"

For a moment, Francis took his glasses out from his pocket and put them on to review Alfred's file, "Hm, well my first question is, do you think the panic attack that you called me about sparked the break in psychosis?"

"Yes," Alfred said immediately, closing his eyes, "If… if it had just been the panic attack, I could have dealt with it, it wasn't the worst panic attack I've ever had, since Rodreich and Sey were there to change my schedule and have people handle the tables in my sections, but… yeah." He sighed heavily, "When I got home, I was already feeling shaky and awful, so it probably caused the voices to wig out on me."

Francis nodded and wrote that down, "Mhm, I supposed as much. Now, were you prompted by the hallucinations to take as many of the pills as you did, or was it purely accidental while you were trying to get rid of them?"

Wincing, Alfred nodded shortly while his throat tightened up a little, "…Yeah, a little of both. I wanted to take them to get rid of the voices, but then they kept telling me to take all of them…" He put his hand over his eyes and breathed carefully, "I got scared and almost didn't want to take them, but I wanted them to go away so bad…"

"I understand, Alfred," Francis said quietly, "It was a horrible situation."

Alfred bit his lip and nodded again, wiping his eyes harshly and looking up at the ceiling with a ragged chuckle, "…Wow I am sick of crying."

Smiling a little, Francis pat Alfred's thigh, "I know, cheri. Soon this will all be in the past."

There was a snort, "Yeah, let's fast-forward to that, thanks."

Francis chuckled a little, "Right, then, let's. That's all I really needed to know about that situation, so tell me about you and Ivan, now." He smiled and leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest and left the folders in his lap. "Where do you want the relationship to go? Do you feel like it's a healthy relationship?"

Alfred laughed, "I, uh. Thinking about it that way is kind of weird, but, yeah."

He shook his shoulders out a little and tried to clear the crying feeling from his mind, "Yeah. We've got a thing where we don't have weird expectations of each other, and we know where we both stand on these things, so… Yeah. We're not like, dependent on each other either, and I hope it doesn't get like that, I think, but…"

He smiled a little, "We're gonna try this thing, you know? And I like the idea of giving this a shot with him. I think this can work, and I can't see the future or whatever, I don't know how long this'll last, but…" He shrugged and grinned against his shoulder a moment, looking over at Francis now, "I don't know, I feel like this can go really well. Like, even if we break up at some point, I still feel like it will have been worth it."

Francis smiled and nodded, "I'm getting that feeling, too. And I think you're completely right. What I'm getting from you two suggests a healthy relationship to me, and, like I've said, that will be very good for both of your social and mental well-beings."

With a hum, Alfred nodded, "Yeah. Though I am kind of afraid," he admitted, "even though I told him about everything, and he seemed pretty cool with it, I just… I know how I am like this, and I just wonder if he won't get tired of dealing with me."

"If I may be blunt," Francis said, putting his hands against the folder in his lap, "I don't think that's going to happen. Now, there may be rough patches for the both of you, and that's perfectly normal, but I don't think Ivan will 'get tired of you'. Ivan's a person who, until recently has only been focused on his work, and because of that, he hasn't experienced much else, or had the want for anything else."

As Alfred blushed a little at the implication, Francis continued, "Now that he's getting out of that constant cycle, he's starting to experience things again, and there are a lot of things about you that will be very good for him during this time."

He leaned forward and counted on his fingers, "You're very lively, even though part of you fights it from you at times. You are intelligent, and can bring good conversation to the table. You like to be constantly doing things, whereas he was previously always stationary." He held his hands out, "Do you see what I'm saying?"

"Basically you're giving me permission to sleep with your patient, is that what I'm getting here?" Alfred joked, and Francis gave a surprised laugh.

"Well not in so many words, but, if you want to see it that way, I won't correct you," he grinned too, and Alfred made a face at him.

"You know," Alfred said, "You're a cool guy, Francis."

Francis puffed up proudly and winked at him, "I try, my friend, I try."

At this point, Ivan knocks on the door and pokes his head inside, "…Is it alright to come back now?"

"Nope!" Alfred said cheerily, "Francis is painting my nails; we're having a sleep over and there's no boys allowed."

Ivan rolled his eyes as he walked into the room, "Good, then, just us girls." He sipped his coffee and tucked a hand into his pocket, "I'm guessing you ladies had a good talk then."
Chuckling, Francis nodded as he packed away his things, "Yes, we determined that Alfred's color is a deep maroon."

"Oh, good, I figured as much," Ivan agreed, smiling.

Alfred hummed and tucked his hands behind his head, "Yeah, and I figure you'd do best with a blue, or a violet." He tipped his head from side to side, "I don't know, what do you think, Francis?"

As he stood up, Francis gave Ivan a look, "Hm, yes definitely. A violet would certainly bring out his eyes."

"Well there you go," Alfred said, and Ivan nodded gravely, "I see. I'll definitely check my shades before I color them again."

Francis smiled and let out a breath, "Now that we've settled that, I'll be taking my leave. Alfred, if you need anything, call me, and the same goes for you, Ivan." He pointed at him, and when they both nodded, he hummed and headed out, "I'll see you both next week, then."

"See you, Francis," they both said, and when the door shut close behind him, there was a beat of silence.

Ivan took Francis's chair and exhaled, "So. What do you plan on doing now?"

Alfred gave him a look, "What do you mean?"

"Well," Ivan shrugged, "The doctors said that they'll probably let you out of here either tonight or tomorrow, they'll let us know after they've talked to Francis, but in all likelihood, you'll be able to leave tonight."

There was another short silence, and Alfred gestured for him to continue, which made Ivan duck his head a little and exhale.

"So, are you going to go back to your apartment when you get out, or…" He swallowed, then smiled at him, "I don't know, would you want to stay with me for a little while?"

Alfred blinked at him, "…Are you being serious right now?"

With a raise of his eyebrow, Ivan nodded, "Very."

"Oh." Embarrassed and happily surprised, Alfred covered his mouth and smiled behind it, "Oh, um." He looked away from Ivan for a minute and took a breath, thinking about it. His own apartment would probably be really awful to go back to initially because of what had happened, so it would probably do him some good to be away from it for a while… Plus, Ivan would be able to keep him company, and he'd have a safe place to stay while he got the rest that the doctors would no doubt tell him to get.

Ivan was fidgeting now, nervous, and he shrugged a shoulder, "If you don't want to, that's okay-"

"No, no," Alfred shook his head and looked at him now, smiling, "I want to. It's a great idea. I'd really like that, actually."

Physically relaxing in his relief, Ivan smiled and nodded a little, sheepish, "Oh, good! Um, good. I'm glad to hear that."

"Yeah." Alfred said, and they both sat there being quietly happy for a moment. Then, Alfred realized something.

"Hey, wait," He said, making Ivan look at him like he'd been caught in the cookie jar as he reached for Alfred's hand. Alfred grabbed his first, which made him smile, but then Alfred continued his sentence, "Wow I'm dumb, but, aren't you supposed to be at work?"

Ivan made a little 'ah' sound, and looked away from him a moment, "Right, that. I took the day off. My boss actually hadn't realized I'd run out yesterday, but I called him once you were out of the emergency room and told him I had a family emergency." He smiled when Alfred flushed a little at that, "He said it was fine, and since I've racked up lots of vacation days, I can be away from the office for a while if I want to."

Alfred smiled and relaxed a little, running his thumb along Ivan's fingers, "That's good. I was worried I got you in trouble."

Ivan shook his head, "No, no trouble at all. Well, other than scaring me a great deal, but there was no helping that."

Feeling a spike of guilt, Alfred gave a strained smile and laugh, "Yeah, um, sorry again about that."

Ivan actually paused now, taking a second to think about something, then his eyes widened a little and he gave a stilted gasp before he ran a hand across his forehead, "No, um. Right, sorry, that was insensitive of me." He gave Alfred an apologetic look, "I didn't mean it that way, it wasn't your fault."

Alfred hummed and gave Ivan's hand a squeeze, "Mhm."
Still looking upset about what he'd said, Ivan kissed Alfred's knuckles gently, which made the other smile a little as a doctor walked into the room.

The man that walked in was a tall, fairly quiet looking man with some very light hair and a kind look to his face. His nametag read Väinämöinen, which Alfred almost got dizzy just looking at, let alone trying to pronounce it. He hadn't noticed their gesture, nor did he seem to care about them holding hands, he just looked at the clipboard and then at Alfred, "Alright, Mr. Jones, how are we feeling today?"

Alfred thought about it, looking about himself, then exhaled, "Sore? Definitely sore, and tired, and I feel the beginning of a headache, but other than that I'm okay."

The doctor nodded, "That's good to hear, we can get you some aspirin for that headache." He smiled and looked at another sheet, "Now it says here that this was a situation where the over-medication was completely accidental, yeah? And I recently spoke to Dr. Bonnefoy, who assured me that you are neither an abuser of drugs, nor have you previously shown any suicidal tendencies that you would act upon," he flipped the pages back down and tucked the thing to his chest, "so it seems to me that this has mostly been handled as far as this medical end is concerned."

Alfred seemed to relax, and the doctor continued with a gentle look on his face, "That said, I'd like you to take it easy for the week or two. Let your body get back to where it was before this, get lots of sleep, drink a lot of fluids, and your system should finish clearing itself out easily."

He hummed, "Now, I'm aware that Mr. Bonnefoy has you on the medication he's prescribed, and that's fine, but I would hold off on it for a few days at least, before re-introducing it to your system."

Nodding, Alfred squeezed Ivan's hand again, "Okay, cool."

The doctor smiled, "Good. As far as I'm concerned, you're free to go, just fill out the discharge papers at the front desk and have a good rest of the day, Mr. Jones."

"Thank you," Ivan and Alfred said at the same time, and the doctor nodded at them as he left the room.

When he was gone, Ivan leaned over and kissed Alfred's cheek, which made him smile.

A nurse came in a few minutes later to give him some aspirin, unhook him from the IV, and give him his clothes back (they'd stripped him and changed him into the hospital gown), so he changed in the little bathroom in his room before he and Ivan walked to the front desk. The paperwork was very quick, and the woman at the desk waved them off with a smile as Ivan led Alfred to his car.

At this point, Alfred was feeling tired again, even though he knew he hadn't been conscious in a long time, but Ivan only smiled at him, "You can sleep when we get to my place, and then we can go pick up some of your things from your apartment."

Alfred smiled, "Yeah, that sounds great."

When they made it to Ivan's, Alfred made to sleep on the couch, but Ivan walked him back to the bedroom instead, asked him to undress to only his shirt and underwear, then tucked a very sleepy Alfred into his bed.
He kissed Alfred on the forehead, smiling and murmured, "Sleep well."

Alfred gave Ivan's cheek a pat and muttered his thanks, but it was mostly garbled against the pillow, and he was asleep before Ivan could turn out the lights.