Author's note:

I wanted to say two things. First, thank you so much for hanging in there with me on this fic. It means a lot to me that you guys read it, even though my updates have been pathetically few and far between. Second, just a reminder that stuff in italics (like this chapter) is entirely flashbacks.

Thanks again lovely readers! Please review the chapter, and the story as a whole! Also, if anyone would like to design cover art for this story that would be AMAZING. Send me a message and I'll let you know how to get it to me.

The raw, gasping sounds coming over the headset painted a horrific picture of the beating Emily was taking inside the compound. JJ knew she should take the headphones off, move away and go back to crafting the press release as Hotch had asked, but she couldn't make herself move. She was frozen in place listening to blow after blow land while trying to keep from throwing up. She shouldn't even have been listening, but Morgan, Hotch, and Rossi were too wrapped up in it themselves to notice that she'd slipped in behind them and slid on the spare headset, unable to stand not knowing exactly what was happening to Emily. As soon as she'd seen the news report she knew where this was going. She knew Emily would play the hero (or was it the martyr?) and admit to being the FBI agent in order to protect Reid. The BAU was her family and Emily would do anything to save her family, she would give her own life if it meant saving even just one member of her team.

"I can take it." Emily's words shot through JJ's mind, pulling her out of her frozen horror.

"I can take it."

She threw off the headset, feeling suddenly as if the fresh air around her was incredibly stuffy and stifling, and turned to get away from the others before they noticed that she'd been listening, or worse, the way she was reacting to what she'd heard. She lurched out from under the tent, clutching her pregnant stomach and found her way behind the trailer just as the lunch she'd hastily eaten a half hour before came back up.

It had been hours before the whole ordeal was resolved, if you could call it that. Hours before JJ could truly believe Emily was safe. Hours before Emily had stumbled, beaten and bloodied, from the compound and into the arms of her team. And now, one hospital visit and one tense plane ride later, everyone was home, safe in their beds and sound asleep...or most of them were, at least. When sleep had failed her, JJ had slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Will, though if he'd asked what was wrong she could always have blamed her ever growing belly for her sleeplessness. Still, she'd rather avoid his worried eyes and attempts to help, it only ever served to make her feel worse. In a bid to soothe the stress from her body and mind she had drawn a bath, so hot it nearly burned her skin and so full of lavender bath salts that the aroma was almost stifling. The water had since cooled to damn near chilly, but her tears had refused to stop and she lacked the energy or motivation to pull herself together and return to bed. The events of the day had all but shattered her. She had been utterly terrified, even now, hours later, the residual fear was thrumming through her and mixing with anger at the local officials who had leaked information about the team's presence within the compound, anger at the press that was irresponsible enough to make that information known, and most intense of all, despite her attempts to push it down, was her anger at Emily. The longer she sat in the barely room-temperature water the more furious she became with Emily's actions.

'What had she been thinking? Why did she even have to volunteer to be the one undercover with Reid in the first place? Why couldn't she keep her mouth shut for once, keep her head down, keep herself safe?'

Thought after thought tumbled through her mind, many completely irrational-she knew that-but she was powerless to stop them. She was just so mad and so tired of feeling so helpless in protecting the ones she loved. And she did love Emily, she loved her so much, no matter how hard she might try not to. She knew she had no right to love her, not the way she did, but that didn't matter and all she wanted to do was scream in her face and make her understand what it would do to her if something happened, if she lost Emily for good. But she couldn't do that. It wasn't her place. Not anymore. She lost the right to profess her need and claim Emily's life as her own after she'd pushed Emily away. After that night just over a week following the bombing in New York, that night she had told her that she was going to marry Will (even though in her heart she wasn't even sure if she would, or could, marry him), that they were going to be a family and there was no room for Emily in her private life anymore. She knew she had hurt her, she saw it in Emily's dark eyes even as she said she understood, said she was happy for JJ and would always be her friend if she wanted her. She knew she shouldn't have kissed Emily the way she did as she left her apartment, with one hand clutching the collar of Emily's shirt and the other threaded through the hairs at the base of her neck, her body saying the opposite of her words, but she couldn't help herself because she knew this was it, this was the last time. And she couldn't help but wonder if the pain she'd caused had played more than a small part in Emily's willingness to take that beating, to risk her life. So she let her guilt feed her anger and she turned it all on Emily and mentally painted her as frivolous with her life, someone who cared so little about her own existence that she was willing to die at any minute, someone so self-centered that she couldn't see how her choices, her death, might impact those who cared about her. Because if she didn't make Emily out to be someone entirely incapable of being reliable, of making a long term commitment to be present, then she would have to admit that she was realizing that she wanted a life with Emily and that the idea of a life without her was the absolute most painful thing she could imagine. She wanted to spend every day with her, she wanted to raise her child with her, she wanted to have more with her. She wanted it all. But no, she couldn't rely on Emily for any of that. She couldn't let herself believe they could have it, let herself start a real life with her only to have Emily get herself killed. She wouldn't survive that loss. So she picked Will, because Will was easy. Will was willing to give it all up to be there for her. And Will would be there because Will was consistent. Will was safe. Emily was a risk and JJ just couldn't take that risk. Not now, not after what she'd heard over that headset, and not now that she had a child to consider. She had to let Emily go.

Finally, though she had no idea how long after she'd originally left bed, JJ managed to pull her pruning body from the bath and, wrapping herself in the warmest and fluffiest bathrobe she owned, headed back into the bedroom. Just as she was about to tuck herself under the covers next to a still-snoring Will, her phone illuminated on the night stand. She knew it couldn't be a case, not after the trauma the team had sustained over the past 48 hours. Hotch might be a workaholic but he had promised them all a week off and she knew he'd follow through on it. Given this, she was about to ignore the call, deeming that it could wait, but something pulled at her gut and she reached for her phone. Block letters spelled out one name she was not prepared to see, not now- 'PRENTISS'. With a shaky inhalation, JJ opened the message.

"I need you. Please."