I know. I know. Since I last published a chapter, all my original readers have settled down, got married, had children, had grandchildren, died, and hopefully been resurrected in time to read this. I promise I have good reasons for being so lazy, but I won't bore you with them.

Enjoy (I hope)!

Stonkingly Fascinating Discoveries

Lorkin stepped into Ashaki Itoki's library, ready for a day of information gathering which would be truly fascinating and in no way even slightly incredibly boring and monotonous.

"Welcome Lord Lorkin," smiled Ashaki Itoki. "You'll find the boring books about housing records on your right, and the one semi-interesting scrap of information on your left. Do make sure to start on the right."

"Of course I will!"

Once Ashaki Itoki had left, Lorkin looked around the room. "Could you get me a chair, slave?"

"No. It is customary for slaves to be used as chairs."

"Oh. Well. Let's do that then."

The slave obligingly curled up on the floor and Lorkin took a seat on him. After settling down into a soft spot between the slave's ribs and hip bone, Lorkin found this was actually quite comfortable. I must remember to suggest this when I get back home to the Guild.

After slowly working his way through the entire pile on the right, Lorkin finally got around to the scrap of paper on the left.

The Storestone is missing. I have checked down the back of the sofa and under the bed and it is nowhere to be found. Lord Narvelan is also missing and he is not in any of those places either. Many are starting to suspect he has stolen it despite knowing it is the secret to our control over the Sachakans. Bugger.

The blank pages after the entry were covered in questions. Mainly questions such as Should I have soup tonight? Could I ask Tyvara on a date? Does Dannyl really think my hairstyle is silly?

But even if Lorkin hadn't been using the blank pages to note down his own questions, they would still have been covered in other questions. Metaphorical questions. That's a technique writers sometimes use in books.

Two things were certain. One, Lorkin had rediscovered an old kind of magic that would make him a super special awesome hero who would go down in history forever. And two, this would all be so much simpler if he had read The Magician's Apprentice.

"So, you can sell me books on magic, huh?"

"Ha! That's a crime that would get me sent to prison for a long time. I'm not gonna be so foolish as to reveal it to you."

"But do you, though?"

"Well... Yeah."

"How d'you know which are real?"

"Spent a couple of years working in the Guild."

"Why'd you leave a job like that?"

"Didn't like taking orders. Better Makkin my fortune than Makkin someone's dinner!"

"'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I don't get it."

"My name's Makkin."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So can you tell me if you get some books on magic?"

"Sure."

It was late at night when Dannyl finally got down to reading the notes Lorkin had made from Ashaki Itoki's library. After ploughing through a series of poems Lorkin had written about soup and endless doodles of Lorkin kissing Tyvara, he finally came to the notes about the Storestone.

Hmm. Perhaps this Storestone is important. Then again, perhaps it isn't. Gosh, all this thinking makes me thirsty.

"Get me a glass of water!" he called to the slave at the end of a corridor. A couple of minutes later, a young boy returned carrying a glass of water.

"Thanks."

"Do you require company in bed tonight, my lord?"

"...I'm sorry, what?"

"Company in bed, my lord."

"You're... a ten year old boy."

"Yes."

"It would appear that there is very little amusing to be said about this set of circumstances."

"Mm."

"A very difficult situation to parody, this would be."

The boy nodded.

"I do, however, have one question. At what point, in this culture, or in any other culture, at any point, did 'I want a glass of water' turn into 'excuse me my good man, but could you possibly fetch me an underage sexual partner, as I do appear have become an absolutely massive homosexual paedophile'?"

The boy shrugged and left.

That night Dannyl dreamed he was arguing with Tayend about sleeping with handsome male slaves. Then Tayend turned into a trout and Dannyl dreamed he was being chased through the fish kingdom by the evil squid lord who had taken his trousers and made him go to school in just his knickers.

Thus is the nature of dreams.