A/N: Hi everyone, to say it with Hackett's words; THIS IS IT. This is the end of this story, the last chapter. I finished this before the EC, though I update now. The EC ending messed up the logic in this story, but you all know what happened before we got our demanded new ending from BioWare.
A big big thank you to East Coast Ryder! I couldn't have done it without you!
And thanks to all the readers and thank you for your reviews! I enjoyed writing this story, for you and for me.
Enjoy.
Between stars
13. Lost and found
Kaidan's lips were soft and warm. His stubble tickled and his tongue sent lustful thrills down John's spine. The hand on the back of his head was full of determination and the muscular body pressed against his made John's loins twitch.
He wanted Kaidan. He desired the god-like body and the amazing ass. He wanted to fuck Kaidan. He wanted to hear him moan a declaration of love and feel what he felt in his dreams while he fucked Kaidan.
It was easy to get lost in Kaidan's strong arms and befuddled by his scent. It was easy to forget why he was here when he thought of the pleasure awaited him and it was easy to feel safe while Kaidan held him.
Still trying not to get lost in a maze he might never leave again; John realized he was already too deep to retreat. His hands were already exploring Kaidan's body and his leg was already pressed against Kaidan's promising bulge. The collar of his new-bought suit was too tight and Kaidan's buffed fatigue was in the way.
He wanted to lift Kaidan off the floor and feel Kaidan's legs wrap around his waist. He wanted their cloths to vanish so he could enter Kaidan right now. He wanted to slump into the couch and deepen himself inside Kaidan and fuck him until he didn't know his own name.
But all he did was remaining rooted and let Kaidan kiss him.
He couldn't move. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe and he couldn't stop.
"Shepard," Kaidan whispered against his lips. Again, he heard longing in that husky voice and he didn't know if he was dreaming or not. He had no explanation why Liara should lie to him but he also couldn't think of a reason why this should be real.
It was all too terrifying and all too tempting. He wanted to believe that his search had an end. He wanted to believe that the person he loved was the person he liked so much. But his mind was blank and he couldn't connect the dots.
"No," he whispered. "Kaidan, stop."
"Why?" Kaidan's voice was barely a whisper, but it expressed all the hurt the biotic must be feeling. John was fully aware that all what he was doing was cruel, but he couldn't just simply give into this.
"I need to understand," John explained. He took a step backwards and placed his hand on Kaidan's chest. He felt the reluctance in the other man as he gently pushed Kaidan away. "I can't just… go with it. Too much happened. I need to be sure."
Kaidan managed a sound which was half a chuckled and half moan. He nodded slightly and stepped back to lean against the wall. Then, he sighed heavily.
"I don't know you anymore," he said, lowering his head a little and gazing at John with those eyes full of sorrow. "Where it the man I used to love?"
Buying himself some time to think of a reply, John glanced around. He hadn't heart Liara leave but she wasn't there anymore. Even without being sure about it, John felt it deep in his guts that Liara had silently retreated to give them some privacy.
Suddenly realizing it, John started to understand the set up. This was a very romantic-looking room. With its wide balcony and all the flowers and soft looking surfaces, it was perfect for lovers to reunite. Maybe she wasn't lying. Maybe she knew it all along.
"That man is dead," John said. He didn't mean it, but it was the thing he tried to tell himself in the past months. "I'm not the one you want! I'm just John."
Kaidan's brows arced in pain. He turned his face away and bit his lips. Then he looked back to John with an expression of disappointment and grief.
"I don't believe it," he panted. "Shepard… where is my Shepard?"
"Dammit, Kaidan!" John gasped. "There is no 'Shepard'! No 'Commander'! It's just me! You're so blinded by the hero you can't see who I am now! I am just a man!"
"Oh, screw the hero! All I want is you!" Kaidan snapped and then sighed. "Wanted."
"Wanted?" John wondered. "You don't want me anymore?"
"I'm tired of games," Kaidan said, shaking his head. "I tried, but… I can't take it anymore. If you aren't serious, just tell me. But stop playing."
"I'm sorry. I really am. I lost my head and… " John lowered his face in shame. There was no apology which could make up to the crime he committed. "But if that what Liara said was true… then you are the one I was looking for?"
"A major you exchanged dog-tags with?" Kaidan laughed. "Yeah, that was me."
"You sound so cold!"
Kaidan gave him an accusing glare then went back to study the floor. For a time John didn't say anything but only watched Kaidan who supposed to be his lover if that what Liara claimed was right. It might be. In many of John's dreams, Kaidan was the man he was holding. In those hours, John knew he loved Kaidan. He had always thought that Kaidan merely replaced the woman he loved, because the spectre was a close friend. Even now, John still couldn't believe that those weren't all just dreams but memories.
"I'm sorry, Shepard," Kaidan said eventually with voice suddenly plain of any emotion. "I don't know what you want to hear. What should I say? I don't even know what I should say. That I loved you? That you meant everything to me? Yeah, I don't know."
"Just tell me the truth."
"About what?"
"Everything!" John demanded. "One second you threw me across the room and the next you claim to love me? Kaidan, help me understand this!"
John saw Kaidan bit on his lower lip and clench his fist. The colonel took a deep breath and obviously was fighting an inner battle. "I know you've been injured pretty badly; but Shepard, I'm tired of waiting. You kept me waiting for four years now; isn't that enough? It's time you remember me."
"It's not like I can help it!" John felt wrongly accused. No matter what had happened between him and Kaidan, that's not his call to make. "I don't even know if I really knew you or if this is only some mad mind-game! You want me to believe you? Go ahead! Convince me!"
"You want me to beg for your love?" Kaidan hissed.
"No, I just want the truth!"
"Alright," Kaidan challenged. He stepped away from the wall and stopped when they were toe to toe. John felt his muscles tense as Kaidan's heat caught him. Again, he had to willingly resist the urge to grab Kaidan and fuck him senseless.
"We met in 2183 when you came aboard the Normandy with Anderson." Kaidan started, brown eyes glaring at John. "We received a distress call from Eden Prime and went to investigate. We found the first prothean beacon and you received the vision about the Reaper Invasion. From there, it was a chase across the galaxy, for Saren. We lost friends during the fight and we became friends. Eventually, we defeated him and you saved the Citadel. And then, I had to watch you die when the first Normandy went down. I mourned you! I grieved. But I had to move on. And then, I met you again on Horizon two years later after Cerberus rebuilt you so you could fight the collectors. I shut you down and I still regret what I said back there, though you've forgiven me. When the Reapers finally hit, I was aboard the Normandy SR-2 and together we escaped. When I nearly died on Mars and my life flashed in front of me, I finally realized I loved you. When I told you about my feelings and you agreed on a relationship; Hell, that was the happiest day of my life!"
Kaidan made a pause to catch his breath, then, his voice turned soft. "Shepard, for a couple of weeks, I was really happy! I showed you sides of me no one ever saw, and in those weeks, I felt alive. You made me feel alive. Hun, when you asked me to marry you; I believed in a future. I believed in victory because you gave me hope. Then I had to watch you taken away from me! Again! I can't tell you how much I mourned. For you, I tried to move on, but I couldn't! Every time I close my eyes, I see you before me and I hate myself for I've never told you how much I loved you! I'm not wasting this chance! No, I'm not letting you go! Shepard, I love you! I always have and I still do and I cannot stop! Please, Shepard, believe me when I say…"
"Shut up!" John hissed. "Just shut up, Kaidan!"
He caught Kaidan in his arms and pressed his mouth onto Kaidan's. He felt his heart clench as he repeatedly heard Kaidan's voice in his head. Shepard, I love you!
John didn't know where these feelings inside him came from but it felt like one of those mornings when he woke up with his heart crushed. He had no explanations for the tears gathering behind his closed eyes or the pain tearing him apart. He cried while he kissed Kaidan. He felt their tears merge on their cheeks and their tongue touch. He pressed Kaidan to himself so firmly he felt the other man's heart at his.
How could he be so stupid not to realize this any sooner? How could he waste so much time? Time he could have spent with Kaidan in happiness. All these month, the person he sought was right there. Kaidan was right there, caring for him, loving him. And all he did was to doubt and hurt Kaidan again and again. How could he be so blind?
"I am so sorry!" John sobbed against Kaidan's cheeks. He turned his face away, ashamed of letting his tears flow like this. He wanted to be strong, strong as the man he used to be. The man who had the power to face down the threat to protect Kaidan, to save Kaidan. He wanted to be a man worthy of Kaidan's love. "I am so sorry! I was such a jerk!"
"Shh…." Kaidan panted as they parted. His lips were red and swollen, while tears glistened on his cheek.
John suddenly remembered one of his dreams where Kaidan laid in his arms, trembling. He remembered the fear as he came to realize how vulnerable this man was. No matter what a soldier he was or used to be, there are damage no one was immune to.
Cradling Kadian's face, John leaned in for another kiss, which was neither desperate nor firm. The tender kiss Kaidan placed on his lips awakened feelings inside John he thought he had forgotten a long time ago. The kiss took him to a world full of light and full of hope. A world full of promise and full of joy. It was a place he once dreamed about. A place he tried to get back to for so long.
Overwhelmed by all those emptions, John wrapped his arms around Kaidan's chest. This time, he lifted the marine off the ground and felt the squeeze as Kaidan's legs tangled around his waist. He enjoyed the pressure on his pelvis and he knew the weight he was carrying was the weight he wanted to carry for the rest of his life.
This was all too beautiful to be true.
Afraid he might see the empty ceiling of his apartment again when he opened his eyes, John forced himself to stay in this befuddled state. Dwelling on its sensation, John sucked Kaidan's lips greedily. He rocked Kadian against his arousing part and moaned as he heart Kaidan moan.
Finding a way to the couch with eyes pressed shut was a lot harder than he'd thought. Not willing to wait any longer, John just dropped to his knees and gently laid Kaidan down on the fluffy carpet.
"Look at me, Shepard," Kaidan whispered softly. "Open your eyes."
Carefully and frightened, John obeyed. Kaidan's caramel eyes were so full of warmth John felt his own heart melt. The truth in those eyes was a lie John wanted to believe. He remembered the beautiful time he'd spent with Kaidan in this realm and prayed he didn't have to wake up ever again.
"Kaidan," he begged. "Tell me this is not a dream."
"If this it, I don't want to wake up."
"Let's stay here, forever! Right here!"
"I promise."
And then, their lips met again. John didn't know how long he had kissed Kaidan, but he wanted more. His hand fumbled with the reinforced straps on Kaidan's uniform and he moaned at the sight of the other man's skin. He leaned in to kiss one of his nipples and his tongue traced the scars on this muscular chest. Tough they were old and pale, John's heart still hurt when he looked at the proof of Kaidan's bravery.
Longing for more and too eager to join with Kaidan, John hastily and roughly removed his suit. The feeling of agility and the sight of Kaidan licking his lips made John smile. For a moment he just watched Kaidan. The way the marine laid under him, gazing at him with love was so familiar; John wondered how in god's name he had managed to forget it.
He sat back on his heels and undressed himself while watching Kaidan slip out of his uniform. Once in a time which seemed so long ago, John was convinced he was only attracted to women. But seeing Kaidan before him, totally exposed, all of John's theory had been proven wrong. He couldn't describe how much he liked the defined muscles on Kaidan's body, the tone of his skin, or the movements of his scars. All he knew was that he wanted to cover every inch of them with his lips.
With eyes fixed on Kadian's erection, John pushed him down on the carpet. He didn't remember any time he had taken one of those into his mouth, but Kaidan was the best start he could hope for.
Breathing hard, John closed his fingers around Kaidan's manhood and the warmth surprised him. Bending down, John kissed it gently before finally parting his lips. The feeling of Kaidan's cock on his tongue was a lot better than he'd thought.
He liked how it grew in his mouth and how Kaidan trembled because of his doing. His hands moved over Kaidan's thighs while his head moved up and down, taking Kaidan in as deep as he could endure. With lips closed firmly around Kaidan's cock, John sucked with force, not wanting to miss anything. He closed his eyes and all he could think about was how much he enjoyed hearing Kaidan gasp.
"Shepard!" Kaidan gasped with heavy breath. Every time John sucked, Kaidan shivered and the grasp on his shoulder tightened. "Oh, John!"
Licking over his lips which still tasted like Kaidan, John crawled back to kiss the marine again. Feeling Kaidan's very hard cock pressed against his own, John smiled down at the other man. He would take his time today. He wouldn't rush it as he did the last time. Tonight, it wasn't just lust. It was like his dreams where his heart only beats because it belonged to Kaidan.
Sliding one hand between Kaidan's thighs, John slowly circled Kaidan's entrance. Until today, John still got hard sometimes when he thought of the view he had when Kaidan presented himself to him so willingly the last time. Seeing the image inside his mind and Kaidan's blushed skin in front of him, John felt his erection became more intense.
Feeling it, Kaidan smiled and his fingers closed around John's cock. The way Kaidan tugged it made John moan out loudly. Never before had he been touched like this. Kaidan's strong fingers were firm but also so tender. The small brushes of his thumb over John's tip send electrical thrills through his whole body. He bit back a cry and only thrust his cock into Kaidan's palm.
"Oh, shit!" he growled, lowering his forehead on Kaidan's chest. "This feels so good!"
When he lifted his heavy head to look at Kaidan again, the sight was almost enough to bring him to his orgasm. He watched Kaidan's eyes turn blue and how a faintly glowing cage emerged from Kaidan's skin, surrounding it and making him look like an angle.
With determination, John slipped one finger into Kaidan's hole, making the other man gasp. Kaidan's biotics flared more intensely as John added another finger. Tenderly teasing Kaidan, John's mouth caressed the soldier's abdomen. His tongue circled the arc of Kaidan's navel while his other hand found Kaidan's part again.
"Oh, John!" Kaidan gasped again, voice trembling. "Come on! I can't wait anymore! I want you, now!"
Never before in his life had John taken a command with more pleasure. He positioned himself between Kaidan's thighs and grinned as he saw the small bottle of lube hovering in mid-air, surrounded by a mass effect field. He took it and the chill of Kadian's biotics made him shiver. Smiling down at the sentinel, John covered his own cock with the substance, then he gently stroke some around Kaidan's entrance.
Feeling the anticipation burning inside him, John breathed in deeply. He still couldn't believe that he was doing this again. With heart throbbing strongly against his ribcage, John searched Kaidan's eyes for permission. After all he'd messed up; John wanted their union to be perfect.
"Relax, John," Kaidan reassured him with a whisper. "Relax. I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere."
Hearing it, believing it, John caught Kaidan in another kiss. While the tenderness lasted, John pushed himself in, slowly and carefully. He felt the heat of Kaidan's body swallowing him, turning the rest of his existence meaningless. The sound of Kaidan's moans was the only sound he ever wanted to hear. His mind was trapped inside the proximity of Kaidan's being and bathing in all this, John felt loved again.
"Kaidan," he gasped against Kaidan's trembling chest. His hands closed around the tight muscles on Kaidan's thighs while his pelvis crushed against Kaidan's again and again. "I..."
Moving himself into a kneeling position, John lifted Kaidan off the floor again. He rocked Kaidan against his cock, making the other man scream. Their eyes locked and Kaidan's skin flared blue again. Kaidan wrapped his arms around John's neck and came down for a kiss with both of them quivering. The way Kaidan kissed him almost sent John over the edge. He suppressed the feeling of climax to savour the moment. He wanted more. More of those gorgeous lips. More of this gorgeous man.
When they stopped kissing, both men were panting heavily. John had never used his own biotics for sex; but now, he wanted to be connected to Kaidan in more than this one way. When his skin started to glow blue too, sparks danced between them, filling the air with electric energy. The mass effect fields they created reached out for each other, eventually merging into one, cradling their owner in the centre of a blue flower.
As their bodies moved against each other in union, John felt at peace. He felt the fire inside his heart which had long before grown into an inferno he couldn't extinguish. The heat of passion consumed both of them, forging them into one single soul.
With that passion demanding release, John slammed Kaidan back on the carpet. He used the force of impact to deepen himself into Kaidan which made the other man scream. The pain on his back caused by Kaidan's fingers didn't matter. The blood on his skin mixed with sweat had no meaning. Even the marks Kaidan's teeth left in his flesh would only be a sign of truth when he woke up from his beautiful dream.
In this realm, John was free. Free to feel and free to love.
Bent over Kaidan and making him gasp with every thrust, John gave into Kaidan. With every move he made, he pressed a firm kiss on Kaidan's lips. While his hands explored the rest of Kaidan's body, John gathered his strength in his loins.
"Scream for me, Kaidan," John panted. He flipped Kaidan around and took the position he enjoyed so much the last time. Holding Kaidan's amazing ass in his palm, John parted it, making room for his own manhood. "Scream, Kaidan!"
Pushing in hard, John made Kaidan scream. The sound echoed through the room and John shivered with pleasure. Holding Kaidan's pelvis tightly in his grasp, John was determined to fuck every sense out of Kaidan. Slamming their bodies together, John's mind narrowed down to the feeling of Kaidan's flesh. When he was close to peek again, John grabbed Kaidan's chin and pulled him backwards until they kissed again.
While their lips were sealed to each other, Kaidan turned around, making John miss the warm feeling. He felt Kaidan's fingers tangle in his and the floor disappeared under him. With no hold anywhere but Kaidan's body, John realized they were hovering. While Kaidan's biotics slowly and gently pushed him back on the floor, John watched with delight how Kaidan sat down on his hard cock. Lust rushed through his body and John's toes curled into the carpet. His fingers tightened around Kaidan's as the older man circled his hips, moaning, gasping, panting.
Time became meaningless and the world was silent. All he could see was Kadian's blue eyes and all he could feel was the purity of Kaidan's love. With nothing but passion and energy between them, John felt the climax of their union closing in again.
"Kaidan," he moaned, pulling the other man down into another kiss. "Kaidan, join me!"
He didn't hear Kaidan's response, because a sudden rush of absolute perfectness overtook his entire being. Pressed against Kaidan and with their lips locked, John exploded inside the body of his lover.
For seconds, John dwelled in a realm where he could breathe under water and walk between stars.
When he slowly regained his awareness, he realized that they had come at the same time. Kaidan had collapsed over his chest and was now nothing more but a pile of gasping, boneless flesh. For a while, none of them tried to move away. They just stayed wrapped in each other and listened to each other's heartbeat.
Eventually, Kaidan rolled down from him.
"I love you, John," he whispered, sounding slightly sad. "I really do."
"I know," John replied, closing his arms tightly around Kaidan. Now after their biotics had faded, John could look into Kaidan's caramel eyes again and find there the truth he desired. "I believe you."
"So, what now?"
"I don't know," John sighed. "I still can't remember much, but I am sure I knew you."
For a moment, John couldn't figure out what Kaidan's expression meant. He wasn't sure if Kaidan looked confused or just hurt. Feeling his new found, old lover shivering in his arms, John's heart clenched. He pressed his forehead against Kaidan's and enjoyed the scent of his breathe.
"Kaidan, I know I can't undo my mistakes, but if you can give me another chance, I'd like to make things right."
Kaidan gave him one of his laughs. "I don't see how. You are good the way you are."
"I hurt you."
"Yeah, you did." Kaidan leaned his head on John's chest and breathed in deeply. "But you know what? It's quite flattering when I think of why you did this."
"Yeah?"
"John, you rejected me because you wanted to stay faithful to me," Kaidan explained. "Oh shit, it sounds so confusing and creepy, but you know what I mean."
"Sure." John laughed at the reminder of his foolishness. Hearing it from Kaidan, it did sound hilarious. "So, we're good?"
"Yeah, we're good," Kaidan said again. "Sorry for tossing you around; seeing you there sent me spinning. Liara was right; it was Horizon all over again."
"Since I don't know what happened on Horizon," John said, rubbing his face against Kaidan's hair. "We're good."
"Still, what do we do now? I violated a clear order by telling you all this, but it was worth it."
"You had orders to keep me in the dark? Who gave it? Let's go finish him!"
"Believe me," Kaidan chuckled. "You don't want to mess with Hackett. But it didn't answer my question."
"I still don't know, Kaidan," John sighed. He pressed his lips on Kaidan's forehead and searched his mind for a solution. Eventually, he decided to let go. "Kaidan, I just want to be with you. Even if you're not the Major, I still want you."
"Without a past, we can still have a future, right?"
"Exactly," John nodded. "So how do we do this? Don't tell me you want to date."
"I think we're past that state," Kaidan chuckled. "So?"
"How about we go grab some sandwiches and then go home?" John blurted out. He realized how unromantic it was as he saw Kaidan's brow twitch and added hastily. "Or, we can stay here if you want."
"No," Kaidan smiled at him. "Let's go. Home sounds nice."
"Kaidan?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you, too."
"I know, John. I know."
THE END
This is it. :-)
It's not the first story I finished but the first finished one I post here. I have some thoughts I want to share with you.
Throughout the entire ME universe, Kaidan and ManShep is my favorite pairing. The tension between these two is just awesome and BioWare sure did a great job of showing it. Though I said once that all the events in this story are based on my playthrough, I have to be honest and tell you that I added things which weren't from my playthrough just to make this story more dramatic.
I wanted to write a story about love. Not just in the romantic aspect but also about love between friends and comrades. I think Shepard loves Kaidan in many other ways and so does Kaidan. At the same time, both men love Liara in a way more than just friends. I did at least. Though I've never romanced her, I always loved her. She is the pillar of strength and a source of calm and wisdom for me and for my Shepard.
As for Tali, she was like a little sister for me. In my playthrough and in this story, Tali died on Rannoch after Shepard decided to help the geth. (Legion died in ME2.)
And too, playing the game and finally finishing the trilogy which started so long ago really was like waking up from a dream. Not exactly so dramatic like in here, but there sure was something I can't really tell. And in this story, I wanted to show how fragile human mind can be and that even the strongest among us isn't invulnerable.
There are still things which let unsaid in this story. Plot I haven't revealed. Of course, Shepard and Kaidan both need more work and more talk before they can live happily ever after, so there is still possibility. XD So, I have to ask for your opinion. Should I write a sequel? I'm not sure but I surely do have some ideas^^
I thank you all so much for supporting me. All the reviews give me strength. They help me believe that my efforts aren't in vain. And of course they give me hope that I still can improve and that I'm on the right path.
And here, I promise, I'll continue to write more about this awesome couple. (The EC endings broke my heart and when it was in pieces on the ground, BioWare decided to trample on it even more. I liked the endings, so I might want to write something about it. Something about Kaidan saying 'Don't leave me behind!' T_T)
Thank you so much! :-)
HeavenOnFire
P.s. I welcome every kind of thoughts you have on this story. :-) Please give me some review^^ And of course suggestions what might come for M!Shenko. XD