Chapter 13

As Sara sat alone in her apartment, she wondered why this moment felt so much more painful than any other one moment in her life. She had survived worse. Far worse. Perhaps it was the cumulative effect of life's hardships, perhaps it was all just too much? Perhaps it was the alcohol.

So what? She lost her job. It was just a job. Not life and death.

So what? She lost the respect of Grissom. Had he ever really respected her in the first place? Probably not.

So what? She tried to help Sofia and fucked up things even more. Sofia would get over it. Sofia would clear her name, and move on. Weeks from now Sofia wouldn't remember a thing about this. Sofia wouldn't remember their time together. Sofia wouldn't even remember Sara's name.

The thing Sofia would remember was Officer Bell. She would remember that she never found peace, never knew for sure whose bullet had struck and killed him. That would haunt her for her entire life, and Sara was to blame for that. Perhaps Sofia would remember her after all then. For all the wrong reasons.

Sofia wouldn't remember the nights they spent together. The way their bodies seemed to fit so perfectly in harmony with each other, they way it felt waking up alongside one another. She would remember only pain, rejection, her career in ruins. She would attribute all of that to Sara.

Sara Sidle didn't know why it suddenly felt like she could not go on anymore. Why she just couldn't keep putting one foot in front of the other. It was all she'd been doing all her life, no matter what shit came her way, just putting one foot in front of the other, and keeping on walking. You couldn't really call it 'living' most of the time. Just surviving, day by day. Waiting. For someone to come along. And make it all worthwhile. And someone had come. And gone. And Sara took a moment to stop and wonder, finally, what she had been so intent on living for?

Why had she tried so hard to keep on going? Why couldn't she just lay down and give up? There had always been this intangible thing holding her upright. This thing that grabbed hold of her heart, her spirit, and never let her give in. Suddenly it felt like there was nothing left to hold her up. Suddenly it felt like everything she had ever known was crashing down around her, and there was no way she could come out of this standing strong. Suddenly it felt like she couldn't breathe.

All she knew in that moment was that she could not sit any longer in the lonely darkness, trapped by the four walls of her apartment. She picked up her keys and headed for the door.

….~~ ….

Sofia stood once again on Sara Sidle's doorstep, knocking angrily. A mixture of feelings running through her, seething rage, confusion, concern, desire. She pushed her desire and concern aside. She had legitimate reason to be angry and confused. And that gave her legitimate reason to be standing on Sara's doorstep.

Receiving no answer to her intense knocking only fuelled her anger, and she finally let herself in the door using the key that Sara had given her weeks before. Sofia felt like and intruder creeping in to someone else's house uninvited. But Sara's actions, dragging her into this mess and tainting her reputation, gave her the right to go barging in. Briefly, Sofia wondered if Sara might have another woman in side. The thought made her cringe.

To Sofia's relief, there was no other woman stashed away. There was no one, not even Sara. The place was a mess, as if it hadn't been cleaned in weeks. It was unlike the neat and orderly way Sara usually kept her place. The curtains were drawn keeping the place in darkness. Beer bottles were strewn across the floor, and the stench of alcohol filled the place. It was a place of misery, loneliness, self destruction.

Now that Sofia stopped to look, she noticed Sara's car was missing. Surely Sara was not that stupid, or reckless, to go off somewhere driving under the influence of alcohol? Again? Then again, nothing in Sara's behaviour this last week had been anything close to the Sara that Sofia knew.

The thought of Sara doing something so stupid only escalated both Sofia's anger and her concern. Visions filled her head, pictures of accidents, cars smashed up, bodies ripped to shreds, unrecognisable to their loved ones. This should have made her angry, should have made her want to give up on Sara for good, to turn and walk away and never look back. But it only brought back the picture of vulnerability that always came to mind when she envisioned Sara. It only made her want to find Sara, to hold her tightly, to keep her safe.

Briefly Sofia considered calling someone. But what would she say? Sara was in enough trouble without adding drink driving to the list. Besides, she might not have been drinking. Those bottles could be days old. She might not even be driving. She might not be alone. Then how foolish would Sofia look, charging off into the night to rescue Sara? Besides, who was left to call? The only person that came to mind was Grissom. And Sofia has the feeling that he has washed his hands of Sara Sidle. After all, he'd told Sofia to do the same. But then there was that lingering question in the back of her mind- Had Grissom really given up on Sara, or was he only trying to get Sofia out of the way so he could have Sara for himself? Was Sara with Grissom right at that very moment?

Sofia saw the logic in Grissom's warning. And her self preservation instinct was strong. But she couldn't let go of the person she loved so easily. Couldn't stand back and watch Sara destroy herself completely. At the end of the day, yes Sofia was angry and confused, but a job was just a job. And Sara, reckless, self destructive and non-reciprocating of Sofia's feelings as she may be, was a person. The person Sofia loved.

And Sofia would have continued loving Sara, deeply and forever, even if nothing ever changed. But Sofia believed Sara was capable of so much more. Sofia believed if she just loved Sara enough, Sara would feel safe, Sara would find peace, Sara would learn to love her and trust her in return. If she just loved Sara Sidle enough, she might be able to save her from herself.