Brain Damage
Part Thirteen

A foot sailed through the air, hitting the defending target with practiced ease. The body attached to the foot moved like it was made for the dance-like fighting style it performed. Muscles rippled through legs and arms, and the steady—even—breathing seemed to state how this exercise was a usual practice, even if he looked a little flushed. Kanda was clearly made for this, Allen smiled idly. This had been the third day they had brought him here to train and it seemed like he was in sync with his body again.

"He's gonna whoop you if you don't get serious, Allen," Lavi joked and laughed at the harmless glare shot his way from the younger boy.

"I don't want to hurt him, you know!" He called back, lifting an arm to block the next swift kick Kanda aimed at his upper body. He had to admit, it was damn impressive that Kanda was so flexible. Allen knew he was pretty flexible too, but the dark haired martial arts god seemed to be infused with control over his limbs. Allen knew that much of the skill he was showing currently was his body remembering the actions, not so much his mind remembering.

Regardless, Allen was almost entranced to a distractingly dangerous degree. He'd remembered that Kanda trained blindfolded often, so this sort of battling probably did seem like play to him. He wondered back to all their needless fist fights…they sure beat each other a lot...

That sounded so awful in my head, Allen thought ruefully. He hadn't meant to think of things like that, but it kind of just happened occasionally when the wrong combination of words were presented. Allen decided that he was spending too much time with Lavi.

"Maybe you ought to spend more time worryin' about you gettin' hurt." Lavi's lazy, friendly expression annoyed Allen for a brief second before he simply chalked it up to Lavi being Lavi.

"If you're worried, baka, then why don't you spar with me?" Kanda's rich voice echoed in the training hall, decorated with a Japanese insult just for Lavi.

"I won't go easy on ya Yuu~"

"Call me by that name again, and you won't have to worry about much for long," the Asian man threatened. His eyes narrowed and he turned his stance to face Lavi, the latter almost regretting this decision. Kanda had never been good at holding back and he figured his chance to play with "nice" Kanda passed in the days before. It wasn't hard to see the traces of their Kanda now. In fact, it was hard to tell he was still recovering at times.

It seemed like the only one who had remained forgotten was poor Allen.

Lavi walked out toward Kanda, cracking his knuckles with a silly grin on his face. He knew he couldn't take Kanda's fists of rage if he was serious, but he was hoping that the dark haired demon wasn't completely up for breaking his neck that morning. "Alright, Yuu, let's go~"

"What did I tell you, two fuckin seconds ago, idiot?" The growl emitted low and the threat of death shone clearly in those familiar eyes. Lavi missed that, despite how much he valued his life. Perhaps Lavi was deeply masochistic, but the abuse he received from his longtime friend was a sort of treasure he wouldn't trade for anything.

He took a simple pole weapon to defend with. There hadn't been much of a plan to fight back, but rather they worked on parrying and dodging to keep Kanda on his toes. It had been good practice for him and eventually got him right back into his normal motions. Kanda was barefoot and stretching his arms across from Lavi. He looked so…normal. It was like nothing changed, though Lavi wasn't able to ignore the different glint in his eyes than from before. Other than that, it felt like the same man as before.

Lavi decided to take the first real move to get the party started. He swung the pole and watched carefully when Kanda jumped away from it, his long hair trailing like a waterfall behind him. The man spun and his foot came at the green eyed man faster than he'd prepared for. His arm lifted to defend himself from the kick to the face that was intended. Missing being knocked down, Lavi let out a little breath of relief.

"Looks like you're the one needing saving now, Lavi," Lenalee teased with a chuckle while she and Allen stood on the sidelines. "Go get him, Kanda!" She cheered.

"Aw, come on now!"

"Round two, Lavi!" Allen added after.

"Hey! We're not even done with round one!" The red-head complained, briskly dodging a fist that sailed toward him. He returned with a low swing, expecting Kanda to simply jump it. He didn't jump it, however, and the wooden weapon cracked into his shins. For a moment, Lavi wondered if he'd done that on purpose. Kanda was known for taking bodily harm intentionally in order to get the upper hand; but when Kanda dropped to his knees, he realized it wasn't a ploy. "Uh…Yuu?" He moved closer.

"Kanda?" Allen was next to him before anyone was even aware he'd moved. "Hey? What happened, are you okay?"

Kanda shook his head and stared at the ground that seemed to move below him, swaying and disorienting him. "Unh…I…just got dizzy." He placed his palms on the floor and leaned forward, closing his eyes to get his bearings.

"Hey, I didn't hurt you did I?"

"Unh…No…you hit like a girl," the Asian man muttered. His face contorted in discomfort and it was very obvious to Allen, if no one else saw it.

Allen moved to Kanda's side and knelt down closer to him. His hands worked of their own accord, pressing against his cheeks and forehead. With little effort, he brushed Kanda's hair back and caused him to turn his face up. "Look at me." It wasn't a demand, but a rather plain request that he was glad he wasn't going to be fought with over. Kanda's dark eyes slipped open and met the silver ones. Allen had to look closely to see what he was looking for within those dark irises, but he confirmed it nonetheless. "Your eyes are dilated. That's probably why you're dizzy."

"Dilated?" Lenalee knelt next to Allen, her concern radiating from her.

"Yeah, Komui said his eyes were dilated when he was brought in. Brain trauma can do that, I guess. He feels like he has a fever. Maybe we should get him to your brother." Allen's words slipped from his mouth as a secondary focus. His primary focus had been settling on wondering why he hadn't noticed any sort of difference in Kanda's physical status. He'd been fighting fluidly. He'd been moving like he was perfectly fine, a little flushed…sure, but that was normal when moving around like that. He made no mention of feeling ill…Unless… "Kanda, you didn't say anything about not feeling good…why?"

Several pairs of eyes fell on him and he knew they were wondering what the heck he was thinking about, but Allen had been around Kanda now far more than they had. He knew his usual thought process. He was also aware of the events that Komui kept hushed from the others, the part where Kanda hurt himself intentionally.

Framed by dark lashes, Kanda's eyes studied over Allen's expression with effort. He had to let his eyelids slip closed again, however, because everything was so bright that he thought he was seeing spots. "It'll go away."

"You don't know that."

"Everything else did."

If Allen's ears didn't betray him, he'd heard a dejected sense of disappointment laced into the rich tones of the man's voice. It was obvious that the older man was having a hard time coping with the things that were rolling back into his mind. Allen desperately wished he could smooth out all the troubles that were coiling up around him, but it truly wasn't his place to force comfort. It really wasn't his place to play protector either…but…. A prickling sensation in his fingers itched to reach out and hug him, but he had to fight it back. "Let's get you to Komui, okay?"

"I'll be fine."

The protest was a weak one and the younger man assumed it had something to do with the pain etched into Kanda's pale face. He was warm, with dilated eyes and now wobbling with every movement. He supposed he'd just assumed that all of the damage to his brain had been perfectly healed over and just the data content needed to be restored, but this was making him reconsider. Maybe it was similar to building muscles: you work muscles and strain them, so they heal stronger. He always felt sore the day after an excruciating workout, but felt stronger when the soreness disappeared. Perhaps Kanda's brain was acting the same way.

"You're clearly not fine, Yuu," Lavi interjected, helping Allen pick him up from the floor. "You have been fighting it back like Allen said, haven't you?"

Lavi's voice was close in his ear. He was close to him and so was Allen. Grinding his teeth, Kanda felt trapped between them. A sense of panic welled up in him at the closeness and pressure he was being placed under. The concern from both of them was causing his heart to beat uncomfortably until he could hear it thumping in his head. "I. Am. Fine."

I'll be fine. Go away.

"Lenalee, can you tell your brother we'll be heading to him with Kanda?"

Go. Away.

"We'll carry him there."

Please…go away.

"...Yuu? Allen, he's trembling."

Dear god, go the fuck away!

"What is happening…Kanda? Hey, stay awake, okay? Kanda?"

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe!

Go away!

He begged his body to suck air in, but he seemed to be paralyzed. This feeling was something he couldn't remember and it was terrifying him in ways he didn't think were possible. The suffocating, endless abyss he was crashing into was clinging to him with greedy fingers. The almost numb pain he'd pushed back had crept in until he couldn't take it. If they would just go away he could breathe. Their careful gestures. Their concerned looks. The way they cared so. fucking. much. It was causing tremors to trample through his nervous system until his entire skull filled with a fire that caused his vision to fade.

The pain that wracked his head for days upon days was tolerable and he'd just needed to lie down. Sleep. It would go away. Just like they should go away.

His hands clamped over his ears to drown out the voices and his mind flitted over details in every direction until a realization came upon him like a wave crashing through his glass ceiling. This was a returning feeling of his. The familiarity was sinking in and he hastily crammed the puzzle pieces back together. He didn't hate people like he was led to believe from descriptions of himself.

He was afraid of them.

They needed to move away.

"Go away." He croaked, his lungs burning from the pain of holding his breath involuntarily. "P…please. Please. I will do fucking anything….if…you just…back up for a moment."

Both people glanced at each other and let go of him very carefully, taking a step back from the trembling form. Normally, they would have ignored a request that could be potentially dangerous to the person's health; but neither of them had ever heard that tone of voice from the subject. Allen had never even suspected that sort of pleading could come from that mouth. It sent dagger of pain through his heart. Was this another memory crashing back in on him? Was he already returning to the cold person he'd been before?

Kanda panted for air, begging it to come back before he really did suffocate. It wasn't like suffocating would have killed him, but the feeling was so wretched. The pain itself wasn't what was so hard to bear, but the anxiety…the panic. He didn't understand why he felt so terrified of those two people when he felt so vulnerable. Was he troubled by people seeing him like that? He knew his sense of pride was strong; but somehow, he knew he wasn't that shallow.

Maybe it was more like…he didn't understand them. He didn't know why they cared and it felt alien. It felt like pinpricks. His body tingled uncomfortably and he bit his lip as the feeling returned to his limbs.

He didn't want anyone to care.

He didn't want to be loved.

He didn't deserve it.

They couldn't understand. They wanted to help. They wanted to care for him and help him.

People who cared for him…and loved him…ended up dead.

He curled in on himself at the thought. No more blood. No more death. If they stayed the fuck away, he didn't have to get attached. If they stayed the fuck away, they could go on thinking he was just a cold bastard. He wanted his walls back. It was time to rebuild them, shut everyone else out again and make this anxiety and vulnerable feeling disappear. Feeling this way…hurt…Theses were memories he absolutely hated and wish he'd never gotten back. He needed his protective barriers to protect everyone else from him. He needed his protective barriers to protect himself from him.

"Kanda… Kanda…Hey. We need to get you to the medical ward. Can you walk?"

He looked up at Allen to see those warm precious eyes he somehow really liked. He hated them. He hated liking them. He wished he'd never had the opportunity to like them and the stupid dumbass that those eyes belonged to.

I need to hate you.

I need to push you away.

Especially you.

You're too holy to deal with me.

I need to make you disappear.

I will just hurt you and you will break me.

This isn't…

I need to make you hate me again.

But I don't want to. I don't want to…beansprout, what have you done…

Fuck.

To Be Continued…

A/N: If this one seems a little choppy, then I've done my job! I wanted it to be unsteady like a panic attack, in a way.

Since my computer flops when it comes to review replying:

Animeloverx175: The sequel will have a bit of a different feel, but I'm already thinking it out.
Marufu-chan: I'm hoping I'm not pushing too fast, but at the same time, I'm trying to move the timeline along. So I'm glad it sets well with you.
Ivory-fanged-goddess: Tim is the real master here xD I've also got lots of Noah/14th related plans, though most of that will probably be sequel.
WakeToSanity: I'm worried I'm pushing it quickly, but I'm also not pushing everything in precise order, so there will be backtracking somewhere for the poor guy. And I'm trying to keep it to every other day, but some days, I just feel like writing more. So I get them out sooner.
EXO718: I plan to get more Tiedoll in here, and Eurythmiic convinced me to actually draw Tiedoll's painting, so thanks to that loveable old fart, I'm drawing more. I'm trying to skirt around Kanda's past details because of the sequel timeline. We'll see how that goes!
Eurythmic: Clocks oxoxox! ILU MOAST
Book Thief101: I'm stalking new DGM chapters like my life hangs in the balance, it's giving me my timeline for the sequel, just about. It ought to be interesting, you're on the right track I think.
Kei-Hikaru: Haha, yeah. Allen and his martyr complex. I had to abuse it for this story to work. It's hard writing from Allen's perspective because I'm a Kanda fanboy. But it worked out for the most part. Also, if you liked the oneshot I also have posted, you're going to enjoy the basic idea around the sequel.

Thank you everyone! The response on this chapter got me all kindsa motivated. Not like you can tell.

Since I. Post. Every. Other. Day.