As usual, Elizabeth rose with the first light of morning. She dressed and went down the stairs to the main door. She was not surprised to see that Darcy was there already, obviously waiting for her. She greeted him with "Good morning, Mr. Darcy. Are you ready for an early walk?
"I have been looking forward to it. I have missed the times when we would walk and talk," he replied.
They went out into the extensive gardens. Darcy sorely wanted to offer her his arm, but thought that propriety forbade such close contact because of her mourning. Elizabeth began to speak first. "Mr. Darcy, I am a very selfish creature and for the sake of giving relief to my own feelings, care not how much I may be wounding yours. I can no longer help thanking you for your unexampled kindness to my poor sister Lydia and that awful Wickham. I know how much you disliked even the least mention of him, but you took the trouble to find them and convince him to marry her. Ever since I have known it, I have been most anxious to acknowledge to you how grateful I feel. Were it known to the rest of my family, I should not have merely my own gratitude to express, but theirs as well. I know your assistance occurred many months ago, but I have not had the opportunity to thank you until now."
"Elizabeth, I am sorry, exceedingly sorry," replied Darcy, in a tone of surprise and emotion, "that you have ever been informed of what may, in a mistaken light, have given you uneasiness. I did not think the Gardiners were so little to be trusted."
"You must not blame them. Lydia's thoughtlessness first betrayed to me that you had been concerned in the matter and, of course, I could not rest till I knew the particulars. Let me thank you again and again, in the name of all my family, for that generous compassion which induced you to take so much trouble, and bear so many mortifications, for the sake of discovering them and convincing him to marry her."
"If you will thank me," he replied, "let it be for yourself alone. That the wish of giving happiness to you might add force to the other inducements which led me on, I shall not attempt to deny. But your family owes me nothing. Much as I respect them, I believe I thought only of you. I cannot express how much I deeply regret all that happened to upset my plans."
Elizabeth said very quietly, "I believe I know what your plans were and how they were changed by such base schemes that I simply cannot fathom how any lady could undertake them. What I have never been able to understand is how she succeeded in compromising you if you had such definite plans to return to Netherfield with Mr. Bingley."
"Elizabeth…but please excuse me for calling you that. I would never do it with any others around, but that is how I think of you. It just does not feel right to call you 'Mrs. Fitzwilliam' or 'cousin Elizabeth.' My confession, for that is what it is, may shock you, but since you have been married, you may understand better what happened. I cannot ask for your forgiveness, only your understanding.
"Bingley and I had a lot to drink that night as we talked about our plans to return to Netherfield and our hopes for what might happen after that. I slept very deeply but had the most wonderful dream, one that I admit I had dreamt often, where you and I were together as man and wife. I smelled your perfume and felt you in bed beside me. We kissed as I had thought of many times and I took you as my wife. I rolled over and went back into my deep sleep. It was only when I woke up in the morning that I realized that it had not been a dream at all as Caroline was in bed beside me and what she had done. I was horrified and immediately jumped out of bed and told her to get dressed and leave. She still smelled of your perfume, which proved to be a very clever part of her scheme as that may have been what convinced me that it was you with me. But when I opened the door to throw her out, the Hursts happened to be passing by on their way to breakfast and they saw her getting her robe on. Caroline showed her sister marks on the sheets that left no doubt what had happened. Bingley came behind them and also saw her. Needless to say, they all insisted there was nothing to be done but for us to marry. I knew that I could have thrown her out and disavowed everything, but she would have blackened my name, even though she would have suffered as much, or even more, than me. I did not care about my disgrace, but knew that Georgiana would suffer from it. I could not risk injuring my sister's future. As a gentleman, I could do nothing else but marry her. I knew what I had done, so it was certainly my fault.
"I was so angry with her that I told her that I would never touch her again, and I never did. I kept my bedroom door locked every night. However, that one encounter resulted in a baby, and you know the rest. She wanted to return to London so she could receive the best medical care, as she insisted she did not trust mere country doctors. The physician she engaged turned out to be very popular with high society ladies, but was completely incompetent. No matter how much he bled her to get rid of her high fever, she continued to get weaker and weaker until the end. That is when I asked for Georgiana to come to me to help with the baby. Even though I was disgusted with her, she was my legal wife.
"I realized how offended people were with us as we were not invited or even told about Bingley's wedding to your sister. Imagine, Bingley was my very good friend for years, but he would not invite me or his own sister to his wedding. That hurt.
"I also have to admit I was very sorry that her scheme would also affect you. When we met at Pemberley, you seemed to have forgiven me for all the faults that you so plainly accused me of at Hunsford and appeared to be receptive to my company. Ever since my very ungentlemanly offer, I had tried to be a better person. You made me realize that I had to change, and I did try. I had such high hopes for the future."
"Oh, Mr. Darcy, I am so sorry for you, but now I understand how she trapped you. I did not realize how desperate she was to become mistress of Pemberley, to act in such a disgusting way. I have no idea how she might have found the perfume that I use. That was clever and she obviously knew that you had been attracted to me. My perfume was stocked in the shop in Meryton, so she might have purchased it there. That would surprise me as she so obviously had disdain for everything about Hertfordshire. I admit that I am not sure if I should be flattered or shocked at your thoughts and dreams about me. Did you really have such strong feelings for me?"
Darcy blushed very red. "Forgive me, Elizabeth, for admitting this, but I still do. I have continued to dream about you, although never with the same results, thank goodness. I locked my bedroom door every night to prevent a recurrence of that live nightmare. I know your full mourning will last for a long time, then I hope we can talk about the future. You knew that Richard and I were more like brothers than cousins and I will not do anything to sully his name. I admit that I was upset when I heard about your marriage but hoped you would both find you had married such good people and would be happy together. I envied him for marrying you, but I understood that he knew you would be a good wife for him.
"I would very much like for us to remain friends. I truly enjoy your company as does Georgiana. Your time together helped her to overcome her shyness, and I know she would like to continue to have you as a friend. You would be doing me a favour if you would agree to be in her company whenever possible."
Elizabeth thought carefully at everything that Darcy had said. "You are very correct in that we cannot talk about what might happen in the future. I will say that your cousin was a very good man and I hope he never suspected what my own feelings had been. But please tell me what you believe as I was very disturbed to learn that he led his regiment into battle rather than keeping himself safe by sending them to attack the French. Was this bravery or something else? In his last letter to me he said that he had asked you to look after me if anything happened to him. Did you ever give him reason to suspect what had happened between us or what our feelings might have been? I have hoped and prayed he did not suspect anything that might have caused him to sacrifice himself for our happiness."
"You know that my cousin was quite clever and certainly may have suspected an attachment on my part when we were all at Rosings that Easter. He knew of Caroline's long-held desire to be mistress of Pemberley and her scheme to compromise me and was disgusted with her actions, but I have no reason to believe he knew anything more. The only possible way he might have learned about us was that Caroline several times bragged how she thwarted my plans for you. It is possible he heard about this when he was in town. I admit that I was never sure if he married you for love or in some way to help you get over any disappointment you may have had with my downfall. Whatever his reason, he told me how happy he was with you."
Elizabeth began to shed tears on hearing this. "Richard was the best of men. I could never do anything that might reflect badly on him. My period of full mourning will pass by quickly, then we can talk, but not until then. Do you believe we will be able to meet sometimes in a way that does not reflect badly on any of us? Perhaps at Rosings, Netherfield, in town, or at Pemberley? I truly enjoy Georgiana's company and I have missed her, as does Kitty. I would also like to help you with Beth, she is such a sweet baby and needs a mother. Georgiana is too young for that role, even though she will try. She must be able to enjoy her youth and find her own happiness. So, my answer to your question if we could somehow be in each other's company is yes, but we will be very circumspect and never do anything that might reflect badly on Richard or Georgiana. I look forward to that."
Darcy's heart swelled on hearing that she was interested in maintaining their friendship. "Yes, we should be able to see each other quite often without any hint of improper behaviour. Georgiana and I are going to Pemberley after the memorial service as it is not too far from here. Perhaps you would like to come for a visit before you return to Rosings? As well, it would be quite natural for you to invite her and Beth to go to Rosings while I visit my aunt there. I have often helped her with estate business and may even be able to give suggestions to you as Richard spoke to me of the improvements he was making. Now that you are mistress of Rosings, is my aunt very resentful about this?"
"I have not tolerated any interference from her about my role there and do not discuss any aspect of managing Rosings with her. She made an agreement with Richard when he married Anne, and I told her that agreement would be strictly adhered to. I try to treat her well, but allow her in the manor house only for dinners on Sunday with the parson and Charlotte. So far that has worked. She would be very happy to see you there; I just hope she will not just berate you for anything that she believes you should have done differently. I am curious to see how she will act when she comes here for Richard's memorial service. I hope that the Earl, as her brother, will keep her under control."
Darcy smiled on hearing this. "I will try to keep her away from you. I believe my uncle will help with her as he has a very good opinion of you. He asked me about you and our relationship last night and I gave a full account of our previous acquaintance. I assured him we would respect your period of mourning. Of course, I did not tell him everything, but he now knows the general circumstances.
With these words, they returned to the house for breakfast.