That girl's gonna be the death of me. I know it. I'm stringin' up the wire an' aluminum. If somethin' tries comin' in, we'll hear it. I drop a can. I can't even concentrate on the simplest fuckin' task. I feel the anger risin' in my chest, but the memory of earlier stops it cold. Standin' in that parlor, gettin' pissed over how fuckin' hardheaded she is, I thought I was gonna lose my shit. Then I looked into her eyes. They were wide with fear an' it stopped me on the spot. I don't want Beth to be afraid of me. I feel sick just thinkin' that I could scare her so much.
An' then she scared me. I had made a clean sweep of the yard an' actually thought we had somethin' good here. I go back inside to tell her that I think we'll be fine, an' she ain't there. My heart stood still. I knew I left her on that couch. I don't panic just yet. My first thought's she wandered off even after I told her not to. Son of a bitch. So I call her name. Silence. I run between the other rooms on that floor, still callin' her name to no response. I looked up at the stairs an' imagined her up in one of those rooms, that she'd fallen an' was unconscious. Why else wouldn't she answer me?
I don't find her in the bathroom. As I tear apart the first bedroom, I feel my eyes waterin' over. The fear was overwhelmin'. All I could think of was how I needed more time with her. I didn't know what I was feelin' when it came to her. But I knew I needed more time to figure it out. I stand in the destruction of the room, an' my hands run through my hair. I'm so fuckin' lost in this. That's when I hear the shatter. "Beth."
I run to the last room an' kick the fuckin' door open. There she was. I feel my body relax. She's standin' there, alive. The peace doesn't last. I couldn't understand why she was up here. I didn't know why she hadn't answered me. All I know is I saw red. I just start shoutin' at her. I get closer an' she doesn't even flinch. For a moment, I thought somethin' was wrong with her after all. Then she runs to me, throws herself against me an' holds me to her. She's sobbin' an' I just stood frozen.
I don't know if I'll ever get used to so much emotion. But feelin' her pressed against me, her sobs rackin' my chest, I just acted in the moment. I lifted her an' held her to me. I didn't know what to do, I just knew I had to do somethin'. So I carry her downstairs an' make to sit her on the couch. Her grip on me tightens, an' I'm briefly lost in the moment with her arms wrapped 'round my neck. She needs me. But that need has nothin' to do with food, water or protection. The thought shocks me to the core, but I only hesitate for a moment before I readjust my own grip on her an' pull her tighter to me. She's calmed down an' I lose myself in that instant. I care so much 'bout her an' it scares the shit outta me. I want to tell her what I'm thinkin', part of me wants to know if she's feelin' just as fucked in the head as I am. The words never come. So I set her back down.
After I explain to her why I was so upset, an' why I didn't tell her 'bout that awful fuckin' room, she convinces me to set up our redneck security alarm. An' here I am. Once I'm done an' satisfied we're locked up tight, I head back inside. I hear a sweet melody just as I step in an' close the door behind me. I follow it over to the parlor. An' there she is. Her voice carries to me, hits me right in the heart. It only takes a moment to realize how sad the song is she's singin'. I could care less what it's 'bout. All I know is she has a beautiful voice. I almost wonder why I don't hear her singin' anymore, but I know damned well why. I had been wrong that day. Her singin' soothed me. I lean against the doorframe an' let the words slip over me, gentle an' warm like a blanket. That feelin' I get whenever I think 'bout her comes over me again. But I feel like I'm trespassin' on her memories.
So I clear my throat to let her know I'm there. She stops immediately an' turns on the seat to look me in the eyes. I let her know that we're nailed up tight, the only way in is through the front door an' we'd know if someone wanted in. She only stares at me. I feel awkward just standin' there so I make my way into the little room an' place my bow on the seat. I see the open casket an' hoist myself into it. Holy shit. That feels so fuckin' good. Course the dead would have it better'n me.
"What are you doin'?" I want to laugh at her question. I figured it was pretty obvious what I intended. I let her know that this is the best bed I've had in years, but she doesn't believe me. I think for a moment, just lookin' over at her. I figure to go out on a limb.
"Why don't you go ahead an' play some more? Keep singin'." I really want her to keep goin'. It makes her so happy to sing. An' I didn't even know she knew how to play any instruments. This might be my chance to figure her out.
"I thought my singin' annoyed you?" I had really hoped she wouldn't bring that up. I feel like shit for ever makin' her doubt herself. She shoulda known better'n to listen to a hardass like me. What do I know?
I shrug. "There ain't no jukebox. So..." I let the idea hang in the air, an' I'm relieved to see her smile an' turn back to the piano. She starts over the same sad song. The melody drifts through the room. I lay back in my makeshift bed an' stare at the ceilin', one hand beneath my head, the other to my mouth. I want to know so much more about this girl that I'm with. I feel like I could process my thoughts better if I have more to go on. The song slows to an end an' she starts playin' another. No words. I want to hear her sing. An' I'm reminded of a question I meant to ask her before.
"Hey, where'd you learn to sing like that?"
She stops playin' an looks back at me. The hint of a smile is at her lips. "I was in the church choir with my mother, same place I learned piano. I've sung for as long as I can remember, I think I was singin' 'fore I could walk." She giggles an' it's the most amazin' sound I know.
"What was your favorite song?" She lets out a little sigh an' turns to face me directly now. The smile is there, it isn't the heartbreakin' smile I love, but I'll take it.
"Amazin' Grace. It was Maggie's favorite, too. We'd sit out on the porch an' sing it over an' over again. Lookin' over the fields, thinkin' what a beautiful life we had, the song just fit." Her explanation is honest, completely heartfelt. An' her whole face was glowin' in the candlelight. I couldn't help myself. I was so caught up in her openin' herself up to me, I didn't even think 'bout what I was askin'.
"Will you sing that one to me?" Then it's there. That beautiful fuckin' smile that lights her whole face up. My stomach drops an' my heart jumps to my throat. It takes her a moment to get situated, but when she starts playin' it's so fuckin' peaceful. The words hover above us.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me..."An' it was a sweet sound an' in that very second I could imagine her savin' my own wretched soul.
"I once was lost, but now I'm found. 'Twas blind, but now I see..." Lost could explain how I felt before she broke through my walls. An' I never knew I was blind before the first time I saw her clearly that night on the porch. She looked so fuckin' pretty in that moonlight.
"'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear an' grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed..." Didn't she teach me that my fear was ok? That I could be relieved from them? An' then I know.
Beth was my savin' grace. The prayer I never knew I asked for. All those years I spent on my own, surroundin' myself with jackasses an' the like, the pain was unbearable. The feelin' like I had no one to turn to, that I was the only person who cared whether I lived or died. An' there she was an' precious was a pretty good word to describe what she was to me. It fit how I felt when I first saw her good heart an' her intentions to save me. She finishes the song an' her eyes are glistenin'. She's the most amazin' person I've ever known. She's good an' strong an' I find it so hard to believe that she's here with me.
"I like that one." My voice is husky. The unknown feelin' I've been havin' the last few days when I'm 'round her comes back to me full force. It hits me at my core an' I finally understand what my weak heart has been tryin' to say all along. The same heart that I never believed I had before I opened it to her. I need to make her see who I am now, who I've become because of her. She needs to know I'm not just some crazy redneck who goes off the handle all the time, the one who sat back for so long an' watched the world move past him.
The idea strikes me. I pull myself out of the casket an' hold a finger up to her to give me a second. I run upstairs an' grab the pillow an' blanket that she had obviously intended on bringin' down earlier. I go back into the white room an' find another pillow among the damage I caused. When I come into the parlor I'm greeted with her curiosity. I set the things on the couch next to my bow an' start movin' the chairs against the walls. I'm satisfied with the little clearin' I've made an' throw the blanket an' pillows down in the middle. I lay down on the floor, prop myself up on my elbow an' look up to her.
"What's all this?" She's smilin' at me an' there's humor in her voice. It's now or never.
"Figured we'd be better set sleepin' in here tonight." I wait on bated breath. Slowly, excruciatingly slow, she steps away from the bench an' lays next to me on that floor. There's no worry or bother in her eyes. I'm relieved to see comfort there.
This whole scenario is new to me. I have honestly never tried to sweep a woman off her feet. The only women I ever knew had wicked intentions for the time they spent with me. Nobody ever cared 'bout me. Those skanks saw what they wanted, went after it, an' walked away leavin' me to myself in cold, wrinkled up sheets. Sex to them was a one way street, the drive for pleasure was only a temporary high. Not one of those bitches wanted more than a quick fuck. I'm the first to admit that I wasn't some gentleman. They weren't the only ones with needs to be met. Fuckin' had never been more to me than a way to pass the time. Fuckin' was just fuckin'. But that's far from what I'm goin' for here with Beth.
Right this minute, I am so damn grateful there had never been anyone worth the time or energy to impress. It's probably the pussiest way to think, but I want Beth to be the first woman to steal my heart. Whether she knew it or not, she had already cracked the lock, the safe door was wide open. All she'd have to do is reach in an' take it. I know there's no wicked intent with her. She's too pure. I want her to have my heart, to keep it safe, look after it an' mend it for me. I want her to feel the way I do. To look at me an' feel her breathin' hitch, the warm rush floodin' through her body, the permanent lump in her throat. I need to make myself the man that she deserves. I know what I want now. I only need her to feel the same way.
As she lays down next to me, she smiles sweetly up at the ceilin'. I'm an idiot who can't take his eyes off of her. As she seems to slip off into sleep, her small hand reaches over an' interlocks with mine. She lets a soft sigh pass her lips, an' then she's out. Still holdin' on to her, my heart beatin' painfully in my chest, I look down at her layin' next to me. My thumb gently traces the outline of her fingers, an' I'm lost to my thoughts.
All this time I had thought I was bein' punished for a bad life. It never once occurred to me that I would need those struggles in order to fully appreciate someone worth fightin' for. The same person I would die for, the person who ripped down my fortress an' breathed life into my stilled heart. An' here she is, peacefully sleepin' next to me.
Without thinkin', I lean down an' lightly press my lips to her hair. There's gonna be a time when I need to tell her my revelation. But, for now, it can wait. I know the change I've gone through. I know what's different now. I move my lips to her forehead an' I whisper against her warm skin.
"I love you, Beth."