Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Travel Delays

Of all the things in this world, there should be nothing more fun than going on a trip. I took many in my life, with Enkidu and without. While each was arduous, the journey was just as rewarding as the conclusion, and all of them are fond memories.

"Yet another thing the modern world has corrupted," I said.

"What is the matter, Gilgamesh?" asked Kotomine. The priest stood behind me in the line for the airport security. The Fuyuki airport was bustling at this time of day. Families moved about, parents holding their children by the hands. The whole place was filled with the din of thousands of people. If I was being more generous, I would liken it to a beehive, but even that is too kind a description.

"Humanity has destroyed one of the greatest endeavors a man could undertake!" I exclaimed. "To travel the world with comrades is a great joy, yet we stand in line like it is an item to be bought in a store."

"We did pay for these tickets," said Caren behind her father.

"That is beside the point," I replied, glaring at the girl.

"Also," she continued, "going to a certain theme park in Tokyo is not exactly an adventure."

"You were the one that was so eager to go!" I said, pointing at the hat shaped like a pair of mouse ears on her head. She was getting enough looks before. Now half the line was staring at her.

"Why did you want to come then?" she asked, cocking her head just far enough to mock me but not too far to let the hat fall off.

I gritted my teeth as Kotomine spoke. "He did not," said the tall priest. "But I could not let him stay behind, for fear of what would happen to our precious church."

"Basically he didn't want me drinking the wine," I said. "How was I supposed to know that you use alcohol for your religious rituals."

Caren cleared her throat. "The sacrament of communion is hardly a 'ritual'. You make it sound pagan."

"Not listening," I said in a light tone. I stepped ahead, handing off my boarding pass to a blue haired ma. . .

"Lancer," I said. "Why are you working here of all places?"

The Dog of Ireland looked at me with an exasperated expression on his face. "Just my luck running into you all."

I laughed at him. "So short on funds that you must scramble for such a job! How humorous!"

"Now isn't the time," he said. It was clear that he was too tired to argue, so I decided to let him off easy.

Past Lancer was the security checkpoint, a metal detector and some xrays machines for our bags. I carried nothing with me naturally. Why would I use an oxskin when my Treasury had everything I needed? I was surprised though when Lancer followed me.

"Can I help you dog?"

"Don't call me a dog," he said with a bit of anger, and then, "I'm also running security here."

"They must pay a Servant well," I mused.

"Minimum wage," he replied with a downcast face, though it only made me smile more. "If you could remove all metal from your body and put them through the xray, we can proceed."

"You do not expect me to let others touch my jewelry, do you?" I asked. With a short snort of victory, I dematerialized the necklace and bracelets that I wore and stepped through the metal detector. In an instant my ears were assaulted with the blaring siren above my head, and Lancer sighed.

"I know you have more Goldie," he said. "And rematerializing them again after getting on the plane is cheating."

"I am the rules," I said quickly before sending my earrings back to the treasury. Yet when I tried again, the same siren went off.

"This is getting on my nerves," said Lancer with a dark expression on his doglike face. Caren and Kotomine were already waving at me, walking towards the gate with their bags in hand.

"Fine, fine," I said. I sent my ankle bracelets back to the Gate of Babylon as well and tried once more. Yet again with the siren!

"This is absolute nonsense," I said. "I've taken all my jewelry off! I swear it!"

"Look," said Lancer. He pointed at a door off to the side. "If you'll come in there we can straighten this all out without disturbing anyone else's trip."

"Why should I care about other people?" I asked as we walked towards the door. "Those mongrels should be honored to be held up by my massive amounts of jewelry."

Ten minutes later, Lancer and I exited the room. The spearman was shaking his head in annoyance. "Gilded boxers? Seriously?"

I crossed my arms and said, "How was I to know that they counted. You only said take off the metal, not things that were covered in metal!"

"WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT GILDED BOXERS!? THEY WOULD CHAFE!"

"There's no need to shout," I replied as I walked past him towards the gate where Kotomine and Caren were waiting.

"Wait!" shouted Lancer at my back. "You didn't even answer my question!"

"A mongrel like you isn't worthy of the answer!" I returned. As I returned to Kotomine, I rematerialized my golden boxer shorts, taking care to don them in such a way that they wouldn't chafe. A lesson for the kids. Golden underwear is awesome no matter how impractical it sounds. If you have the opportunity to wear some, I highly suggest it, not that any mongrel today could afford a complete set of golden anything.

"Ah, Gilgamesh you've returned," said Kotomine, looking up from his book on common pro-life argumentative strategies (an odd choice for reading, I admit). "It seems there is some trouble with our flight."

"What do you me-" I began before looking outside. On top of our plane was a black armored figure, wreathed in smoke. He was screaming something about a guy named Arthur. The plane lurched around, covered in dark red lines, and then flew up into the air at an impossible angle.

"Archer," said Caren. "Shouldn't you do something about that?"

"Stupid girl," I replied. "Though I would rather be home, this is my vacation as well. Find a vet to put down that rabid dog."

"What do we do now then?" she asked.

"A troubling question," said Kotomine. He already had a new book in his hand (All the Worlds Evil, and You! If you were interested). "Gilgamesh, go see if you can get a ticket for a later flight."

"Why does it have to be me, Kotomine?" I asked.

The priest raised his right arm and said, "By the power of th-"

"Fine," I said before he could finish his sentence. I immediately turned and walked back towards the ticket counter, past Lancer working security. I reached the ticket counter after only a few more steps.

"The plane to Tokyo has departed," I said, not bothering to go about the details. "I will need three tickets for a later flight."

"Because of Berserker?" said Lancer, looking up from his place at the ticket counter. "The next flight isn't for a while though."

I did not respond. I was too busy staring at the Hawaiian shirted man in front of me. "Were you not just working security?" I asked after almost a minute of silence.

Lancer coughed once and said, "They're a bit understaffed."

I nodded, remembering his A-rank agility. No doubt it allowed him to deal with dozen of costumers a-NOPE. That would be ridiculous. "Lancer, there's no way you can cover every position at once."

"Yeah," he said, rubbing the back of his head. "Bazett and I are working the same shift. The only reason I'm moving around is so I can deal with you."

I smiled and nodded. "Of course! I naturally deserve the best service."

"I meant that I'm making sure you don't do anything bad," he said. "Do I need to remind you of the restaurant incident?"

"That boy had it coming, going out with Saber like that!" I said indignantly.

"I meant the one I was at," said Lancer. "What were you talking about?"

I coughed and shook my head, feigning ignorance. "In any case, I demand my ticket!"

"In any case," he said, mocking my tone, "There aren't any. The flight is booked."

"Oh really?" I said as my armor emerged out of thin air (and my hair stood up. I have never figured out why it does that). The Gate of Babylon opened behind me, and dozens of weapons pointed at the Blue Lancer in front of me.

Cu Chulainn smiled in a panic and pretended to type on the computer in front of him. "W-what do you know!" he said. "Three tickets!"

He passed me three sheets of notebook paper with "ticket" written on them in sharpie. "Enjoy your flight!"

I nodded with thin eyes and a cruel smile. "You are learning, dog."

He did not even have the sense to be angry as I walked back towards Kotomine.

"Wait," said Lancer from behind me, "Or you'll set it off again!"

"What?" I asked over my shoulder as I pushed my way through the security checkpoint. Then I was assaulted again by that dreadful siren, even louder this time.

Lancer jogged up behind me. "I told you, you need to remove all the metal on your body."

"Lancer," I said, shaking my head. "I already took off all my metal for you, you saw me do it in an exceedingly personal way. What metal could I possibly be wearing now?"

Lancer simply pointed at my chest, and I looked down to not only see my golden armor and all of my jewelry, but also a sword in my right hand. It was a wonder they didn't call the J.S.D.F. on me.

"Well," I said. "We can't have that." I turned and cut the metal detector in half, and then followed up by sending a sword through the xray, to the horror of the people in line behind me. I smiled and walked past the stuttering Lancer, my armor clanking in all of its glory. They could send the bill to the Church later, I had a plane to catch.

Author's Note: I wrote this in response to actual travel delays of my own. Gilgamesh's delays were both more interesting and easier to solve than my own it seems. Apologies for the lack of a chapter in recent months. I really only write this story when I feel like it, and my others have been taking up most of my time. I'm exhausted, so I didn't proofread this. Hopefully there aren't too many spelling and grammar mistakes. If there are, I'll catch them later.