Chapter 13

Asking for Antonio's protection and losing consciousness the threads in Ben shocked mind slammed together and untangled, while Antonio's words trickled through as whispers making him feel his friend's support. SuddenlyBen knew all his past and what happened … knew why he needed to be hidden and the others looked after. Trying to gather the important threads together he started a mantra of words so he would be able to find them again. Then all he had to do was to wake and tell Antonio everything before he lost it again. … He tried to wake but couldn't the barrier of darkness stayed down.

He felt angry and frustrated knowing he had to wake up and thought of Antonio talking to him and holding him and pushed through the threads to get to him. But as he did so everything that seemed so clear started to fade and was replaced by the familiar buzzing and jumble that left him confused and unable to speak on waking. He made a desperate grab for the mantra of words hoping he would be able to whisper one or two to Antonio and his friend in turn would tell them back to him and he would then remember something. … It had worked before.

Suddenly without warning the barrier shattered and he just managed to hold onto a name. But opening his eyes the dawn light blinded him sending shock waves through his mind and body. Time had passed … he was alone … the person he trusted was not there… he could not tell him … what … what … what … he didn't know … it was gone ... there was nothing but buzzing … he felt lost and didn't know where or who he was … or if anything was real ...

Immediately instinct took over and calmed him enough so he lay still as he tried to understand what he saw and what he felt. Slowly he realised he was on a bench like the one opposite and there was someone sleeping on that one. … So, he must have been sleeping and it was the usual jumbled nightmare threads. … Nothing to be afraid of and he was safe and dry … and amongst fellow strangers ... travellers … not cold or wet or under a hedge.

He tried to call out to the person opposite but nothing came and the buzzing in his head increased till it threatened to overwhelm him into darkness again. So he closed his mouth, lay silent, breathed quietly and evenly while waiting for the buzzing to stop.

As the buzzing lessened he forgot he'd panicked, just knew he was waiting for the person to wake and heard the birds singing, knew the light in their shelter was increasing and the word 'day' crept into his mind and knew the darkness had been night…also he was in the countryside…

There was movement from the other bench… so he watched the man hoping he would show him what to do but was also wary in case this stranger was not really a friend.

oxoxo

Antonio stirred and stretched carefully before even attempting to sit up, he was soo creaky and stiff … if he needed to do this again he would definitely put another mattress on top of this one and add an extra blanket to cover … … His thoughts stopped a second as he realised he was being watched, … Realised that good and then saw there was no recognition in Ben's eyes or body language whatsoever… the man was more guarded, like someone ready to defend himself …That was not so good.

Knowing he needed to do things naturally and with no sudden moves or staring at the man, he slowly pushed the blanket back and sat up. Found his shoes and after putting them on looked at his friend and said gently not wanting to scare him. "Morning Ben, sleep all right?"

He gave an almost silent sigh because there was no reaction from his friend, and wondered if Ben had tried and failed to talk earlier. If he'd done that surely Ben would have shaken or nodded his head in answer, but that might be difficult to do that lying down. Checking his friend over in a glance he couldn't see any signs of fever, so was it possible he could not even understand him … Oh joy!..

It took him a moment to come to terms with that and discard it, then wondered if perhaps just hearing his voice might help bring his friend's memory back … sort of oil some cogs somewhere, find that lose screw. He pondered about going back to their first meeting … Nope way too difficult … So how about basic things for here and now … might just work and at least it was between the two of them … no watchers … umm a listener maybe … but Father Brown would understand and keep quiet.

Feeling slightly self-conscious Antonio pointed to himself and said clearly. "My name is Father Antonio." Then pointed to Ben and carried on. "Your name is Ben," he then repeated his words and actions again before resting his hands on his knees. After a brief moment he put one hand on the porch wall and said. "This porch is at the Mission" he then pointed to Ben again as he added. "You had soup and sandwiches with me last night."

He again rested his hands on his knees and waited … got nothing and wondered if a question about last night might bring a response rather than just being talked to and asked. "Do you remember the firecrackers that woke everyone up last night?" … not the best of questions he knew but what else could he ask.

There was no response, not even a blink of the eyes.

Antonio ran his fingers through his hair wondering how you start to communicate with someone who does not appear to understand anything and he really needed to move before he embarrassed himself. But he was not going to leave Ben alone and go to the washroom either. Calling on the radio and getting Sister Jane here would take time … and of course a crackly voice coming out of nowhere could frighten Ben, which wasn't the reaction he was after. … Perhaps if he went through things again but with more detail it would get some response … even a shrug of boredom would be good.

So he touching the porch wall again he said. "This is the porch at the Mission, the catholic church in Sunset Beach. You stayed here yesterday helped with the hedges and plants, tidied up some of the graves and two other gardens in town. You slept here and during the night a firework and firecrackers woke you and scared you, and you collapsed in my arms. I'd come round to make sure you were safe then l slept here with you so you would not wake up alone.

We need to get ready for breakfast and after that I will show you what you did here yesterday and what you can do today, that is if you feel up to it. … I expect your memory will return as we look round and it's all right if you can't speak at the moment; that will come back during the day. Just nod your head for yes or shake your head for no. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Seeing a long blink from Ben Antonio couldn't help smiling as he said. "I hope that long blink means yes."

It got another long blink and Antonio assumed it was yes and realised that Ben might need the washroom just as much as he did but needed that extra nudge to remind him. He remembered seeing parents with toddlers and how they encouraged them to do things they weren't sure of. So he got up and held out his hand to Ben and said gently but firmly. "We need to go to the washroom now, Ben."

To Antonio's surprise and relief Ben reacted immediately by sitting up letting the blanket fall and started to reach out to take his hand. But, then he stopped and looked at his arm and then down at his chest and onto his lap as if he'd just realised he'd lost something … something very important.

It clicked with Antonio … the bag… and he reassured the man "Ben, your bag is safe" and quickly crouched down and got it and handed it over adding. "You dropped it in the yard last night and you hurt your feet on some broken concrete and came back in here. I found it when I came to check on you and decided I should stay with you. Your feet might feel a bit sore, Tyus your doctor bandaged them and if they hurt too much you can wear slippers or just rest here in the yard for the day. The choice is yours."

To his relief though still expressionless Ben nodded and then opened the bag and found his shoes and cap and put them on. As he put his feet to the ground he nodded again but didn't try to get up, instead he went back to his bag and brought out a plastic box, opened it and offered it to Antonio.

As much as Antonio wanted to go to the washroom the silent gesture was obvious and he knew this was an important breakthrough... he was being given something in box. Looking into it he saw a sad stale sandwich wrapped in a messy paper napkin and an apple, and guessed it was from Ben's first night here. … So, his friend hoarded food to eat on waking or for when he felt hungry … he hadn't needed the food till now and that was why it was stale and why the bag was so important to him … could not be lost no matter how lost its owner was.

And now Ben was expecting him to share the food with him as a sign of what … gratitude, friendship or trust. … Nope … No way, nor did he want Ben to eat it either. He knew if he chose the safer bet of the slightly battered apple Ben would take the stale sandwich … not good. … Even worse he couldn't try hinting about Joan's biscuits without getting Ben confused or possibly angry …So, he was between the devil and the deep blue sea then …Oh great start!

He knew he could not just refuse outright; trying to explain could look like rejection and thinking of a compromise smiled and said gently. "Thank you Ben but we will have food from Sister Jane in a moment and there's water in the container in the yard if you want refill the bottle you have in your bag. The washroom first though." He added firmly.

He watched with relief as Ben nodded and put the box away, then put the bag on his shoulder and got up. As they walked together towards the washroom he silently chalked up his success while pointing things out in the yard, and reckoned something had clicked inside Ben's memory. Although the body language was not there yet, they were back to nodding stage of their first meeting. Even so it was a good start and Ben was walking well on his sore feet so they could not be too bad either.

Entering the washroom Antonio noticed Ben walked straight in and wondered if his fear or unease about doing it had gone or just was not awake yet. He also knew what they were there for … so that was another problem solved, thank goodness. Seeing two piles of clean clothes and towels Antonio remembered what looked like the result of a possible panic attack yesterday and didn't want one this morning so decided to head it off saying. "Ben you had a shower yesterday so if you want to you can just wash and then change into clean clothes. You've got a set in your bag or you can take some from the pile Sister Jane has left for you over there. I'll meet you by the door if you beat me as I've got to shave."

He was pleased with Ben's nodded and actions as they went their separate ways to clean up. All the time he listened out in case Ben got into trouble and was pleased he seemed okay. When he came to change his shirt he gave an inward sigh, Sister Jane had put out the formal Priest's shirt and collar. He would have preferred a casual shirt as there wouldn't be anyone around the Mission this morning, but also understood that Ben knew him as Father Antonio rather than friend Antonio and this would secure it in his mind. … Oh joy.

As Antonio quickly tidied the washroom after they had finished he pondered. …. Ben had hardly looked in the mirror … so, was having Jake come a good thing especially after last night. … How could they find out … talk it over through breakfast … but could he rely on Ben's nods and shakes of the head for real answers … there might be shrugs for 'not sure' by then so it might work.

Putting the wet towel in the basket he looked at the doorway expecting to see Ben waiting, he wasn't there so went outside. He found the man waiting just a little way away from the doorway with his cap and jumper on. In all honesty Antonio had hoped to find them in the pile of towels or tucked inside the man's shoulder bag, proof he felt safe and comfortable here. … Perhaps that would come later when he realised no strangers would be around.

He shivered at the word 'stranger' and knew there were many questions he wanted to ask him … The first one was simple were you enjoying to sunshine or was the fear back. The others were loaded … what are you thinking and feeling and how can we help. But he knew he couldn't because Ben was closed down … those dark expressionless eyes were watching him from an expressionless face. But there was a tiny difference … Ben seemed to be watching him or watching for him and not just looking into to space, though he reckoned if he'd been an hour or so Ben would have still stood there.

Coming out of his thoughts he said pointing his hand in the direction they needed to go. "Ben, we go this way to the kitchen area and breakfast with Sister Jane."

oxoxo

As they walked together he pointed out the work Ben had done and what was needed but didn't mention Derek's grave, he would deal with that later if Ben brought it up by walking over to it. When pointing out the rose cascading over the hedge he saw Ben give an extra nod and wondered if that was one of satisfaction – hopefully a memory of a job done well rather than one just mentioned, because it did look beautiful in the early morning light.

He was just telling Ben to find a seat when the kitchen door opened and Sister Jane came to join them smiling and saying. "Good morning Father Antonio, Ben, what would you like to eat?" She'd known they were coming after Antonio's quick radio call just before he left the washroom.

Antonio chuckled and said. "Good morning Sister Jane. A fry up please, sleeping out makes me feel hungry." Then turned to and asked "Ben?"

They got a blank look from him.

Before Antonio could say anything Sister Jane explained. "Fry up is eggs, bacon, potatoes and tomatoes or you can have vegetable soup and beef sandwiches like you enjoyed last night. Or just a drink of tea or coffee and have something later. How's your cough this morning?"

Getting a shrug and a nod she realised she could have done things better; so hoping to narrow the field down a bit said. "Okay let's try, soup, sandwiches and tea, and you're not too sure about your cough."

Antonio could have sworn there was a hint of a smile in Ben's body language as the man nodded and sat down at the table. As he sat beside Ben he remembered the box in Ben's bag and said quickly. "Ben, give Sister Jane your food box, so she can put some packets of biscuits, cheese and fruitcake which will keep till you need them."

Ben gave a shake of his head but got the box out of his bag, then handed her the stale sandwich, which she hesitatingly accepted and took away. Watching Antonio noticed a label on the lid of the box as well as some small packets in the bottom of the box and was going to ask to have a look, but decided not to interrupt when Ben went back to his bag and brought out the paper bag.

Smiling Antonio wondered if his use of the word biscuits or Ben touching the bag as he got the box out had brought it to mind; or perhaps he was just intrigued by the paper bag whichever it was, it was good. He silently watched Ben open the bag and when he looked inside there was definitely a puzzled expression in his body language. … So he could not have remembered the biscuits. He would have loved to have seen Ben's eyes; see if they were expressionless or now showed his feelings, but they were shielded by the cap and the tilt of his head. He'd noticed as they walked over from the washroom the cap was not so far down as usual and hoped that too was a good sign.

Fascinated he carried on watching as Ben took out a biscuit and looked at it, felt it, then looked over at him. His eyes and face expressionless but his body language made up for it … it was so much like a toddler silently asking for information and permission to try something new. He knew that was good – it was the curiosity Tyus had been looking for yesterday.

He smiled and nodded and said gently. "Joan made them for you yesterday. We went to Hank's garden, you tided the borders, trimmed some low hedges and put some plants in and met Meg his daughter. You know them Ben just as you know me." He watched Ben tilt his head as though possibly trying to get hold of the lost memory so he carried on to reassure him. "It's okay the memory will come back. The only people coming here this morning will be Casey and Jake who you know, I'll explain over breakfast. You can have a biscuit now if you want one."

Ben watched him for a moment then nodded before biting into the biscuit chewed tasting every morsel and then ate the rest slowly.

Antonio could almost taste it as well as imagine the memory cogs working, was sure there was a nod of satisfaction when it was finished and before Ben reached into the bag for another one. Wondering if he should stop his friend from stuffing himself he realised Ben had pushed it over to him and another one was going to where Sister Jane would come back to. Ben's natural wish to share was there and this time he would accept the gift without hesitation.

He smiled and said. "Thank you, they are favourites of yours and mine." and bit into it noticing Ben's nod as he put the bag away then looked around. It was not a steady look round; he stopped for a while in places making Antonio wonder if memories were starting to stir and Tyus was right it was a step forward, and even Hank might have got his wish as well as painful as it was. Perhaps all Ben would need was a voice to unlock his thoughts, sign language could be difficult but writing … that might work … could try it later … leave a pad and paper on the table rather than present it to him, which could make it feel like an order.

As he finished his biscuit Antonio could not help a slight smile wondering if he could persuade Joan to make a stock of them so he could use them as memory joggers and friendship tokens. And then decided to do what Ben was doing - enjoy the early morning and the view across the town and bay while waiting for breakfast.

oxoxo

It was not long before Sister Jane came back with a tray of food and thanked Ben for the biscuit and gently suggested he clean the box with a tissue and hand over the sad looking apple. Then she stacked the packets so he could reach them while Antonio helped sort out the rest of the things on the tray.

Ben nodded and took out the small packages and the sad looking apple then cleaned the box with the tissue before puting the new food in and all but one of the packages. This one he pushed over to Antonio before closing his box and putting it in his bag, which he then put beside him.

Antonio knew he was expected to accept it so he took it. Looked at it and smiled. It was labelled 'for food' and knew Tyus would be pleased … Ben's bag did actually tell him what to do. But not in imaginary voice form that Tyus was worried it might have been, and would have sent Ben to Cedar Oaks. In setting things on the table he'd read the label on the lid of the box. Food then underneath if empty use envelopes of money to buy some. Under that Check bottom of bag if box empty And lastly Can be used for clothes or shelter if needed. If you need help use card in pocket or find a police officer.

He'd found it scary that Ben needed the reminders but good to know someone cared enough to do it for him. Handing the package back to Ben he said. "The food and shelter are free Ben, in any case you've done a good job here … that's more than enough thank you. We'll carry on the practice of money envelopes when you do other gardens so you'll have something if you want to move on at any time." Though he knew full well he would not let Ben move on, not unless he was sure it was what Ben really really wanted or needed to do and certainly not without Meg's knowledge.

Ben nodded and put it in his pocket rather than opening the bag again and Antonio wondered if that was an automatic it reaction from his normal life creeping in and kept silent.

Then as they were grouped together at the table Antonio said quietly. "Thank you for our food Lord." before they started eating. After a while quite naturally Antonio started up the discussion with Sister Jane of what they were going to do and they both noticed that Ben started to join in with nod and shakes of the head, with the body language rapport back to what they had during the day before. Antonio knew without a doubt Ben was coming back to them in leaps and bounds and it wouldn't be long before he would be talking. Especially now he knew members of the public would not be around this morning and possibly only a guided few in the afternoon and evening. As for the service ... well he'd face that problem later ... he knew it would happen.

They had just finished eating when Sister Jane took out the bottle of pills and putting one on a plate with a drink of water and pushed it towards Ben saying. "Ben, you need to take your medicine now."

As Ben looked across at Sister Jane Antonio noticed the immediate change of body language. The guard was up, fists were clenched and he saw Sister Jane pale a little, so he said sharply. "Ben. Look at me!" to get the man's attention.

Ben looked at him, and even though the cap shaded the man's eyes Antonio he could see the hurt and anger in the body language and knew there was danger in facing this man down – he was ready to explode.

Antonio knew he didn't have time to wonder what made the man change so quickly, nor could he rely on the 'Ben' he knew who would never hurt a woman or friend being there somewhere. He couldn't be sure of this one … Not yet anyway … Remembering yesterday evening and how he faced the man and won even though he did not like it …he knew he had to do it again without flinching or backing down at all. … Take whatever came and hope Sister Jane could get help quickly, hope she had her radio in her pocket and would use it rather than wading in to help him.

So meeting Ben's angry eyes without flinching Antonio said firmly. "You must take it Ben. Remember that coughing fit you had in the washroom earlier?"

He got a sharp nod as a reply, while their eyes remained locked on each other, neither was giving ground … but Antonio knew Ben was listening which was good. With the same firm manner he carried on. "Yesterday it was worse, sometimes you had difficulty breathing and Tyus Robinson your doctor gave us these pills for you to take. They will make the cough easier but you have to finish the course … if you don't that will cough get worse again and you will have to go to hospital. It's one pill three times a day with food. This is your first one of the day."

Getting a glare and a shake of the head he knew Ben wasn't having it no matter what. He also knew he could not backtrack to take a breather nor could he raise his voice to get his point across; a loud voice could make Ben even angrier or more stubborn. He didn't have time to consider all his options, the man could just walk off in close down state so taking a gamble and keeping his voice steady asked firmly. "Do you trust me Ben?"

There was a pause and then a short sharp definite nod.

Antonio was pleased with that, it meant Ben trusted what instincts he had as well as listening to him, so with his voice firm but with a hint of friendship to add true feeling to his words he carried on. "I would not give nor do anything to harm you, neither will Sister Jane." Then added gently but firmly, "Yesterday morning you and I walked round to Doctor Tyus Robinson, tall dark American, you've trusted him in the past as you trust me now. You worked in his garden, cut his lawn while I visited some people. You talked to him about what you could remember … about a young girl getting hurt and how you are unable to remember things. … We promised to help you find out what happened as well as keep you safe while you remember your past and us. We told you your name Ben and you felt comfortable with it, possibly remembered the feel of it, still do." and waited silently.

There was a longer pause and then a nod, the anger and hurt had not gone but Antonio knew he was winning the battle so went on. "Ben, you were able to trust him and took two of these pills three times yesterday. I'm asking you to take one, three times today and tomorrow and the next day till the bottle is empty. If you don't your cough will get worse and you will end up in hospital and to be honest I don't think that will do you any good as you don't like buildings. So trust me and Sister Jane."

Antonio could see Ben was still smouldering with anger and hurt while silently weighing things up … till Mother Nature suddenly took a hand in the form of a coughing fit … a bad one.

When it ended and Ben could breathe easily again he reluctantly took the tablet and water before leaving the table without any acknowledgement storming off towards the low wall.

For a moment Antonio thought Ben wasn't going to stop possibly jump over it … but he did and swung his bag off his shoulder before sitting on the bench facing away from them. Effectively shutting them out and knew whatever trust Ben had in him had been shattered as he'd stormed away from the table. He hated having to do it but knew Ben had to take that pill he also knew Ben would have hated himself if he'd hit out at Sister Jane. Perhaps the man would have backed down earlier if he'd left things alone, but he knew Ben had a temper and a silent presence that could stop fights or insulting behaviour at The Deep. He'd never been on the end of it … till now … but there had been something else in 'that' look as Ben had taken the pill and then stormed off ... a deep soul destroying hurt.

Silently going back over it and to brutally honest Antonio wasn't sure whose soul was hurting the most his or Ben's, nor did he know if this gulf could be healed once Ben calmed down and accepted it had had to be done. … No one was to blame or hurt…. Perhaps his friend would forget it in a blink of an eye … but till when … till lunchtime or tea time ... would it come back worse because he, Antonio, had won or would there be capitulation with no understanding of the real reason. And even if Ben could forget it he couldn't, wouldn't and it hurt. He didn't want this; he wanted to see the trust that had flashed through Ben's eyes when they parted the first time last night back again. Wanted to see it blossom during the day into knowledge and stronger trust and most of all to have their old friendship back.

Watching Ben's hunched figure he pondered at the body language hoping it would give him an answer into what the man was going through. After a moment he said quietly. "It's almost as though he is waiting for something to happen." His mind took him one step further and a cold shiver ran down his spine and he exclaimed. "Hell!"

Sister Jane exclaimed quietly. "Father Antonio!"

He looked at her realising he'd said it out loud and calmed himself though he was cross for not asking Tyus's advice about it earlier. He shifted so he could see Ben and explain it to her. "When Maria found him in the basement at Southern Avenue Christmas Eve morning he'd been drugged unconscious but recovered from that. If he'd been hit over the head the ambulance men would have taken him with Casey for observation and perhaps none of this would have happened. Tyus would have seen him in the evening. … Anyway, after Ben left us, Jude, Ricardo and I talked about what might have happened in Seattle."

He hesitated for a moment trying to get the worse ideas out of his head and carried on slowly. "They said he could have been made to take his own sleeping drugs before being driven down here. It would have been a way to prove dominance over him and of course the jailer would not have had to get up close and personal to make him take the drug. Also drugging the food could prove messy, Ben could have thrown it across the room or at the jailer, a way for Ben to score points if need be. They also said the jailer would most probably used threats to make Ben compliant and not just beatings a more powerful one like the ones he loved would get hurt if he misbehaved. Ben knew the threats weren't empty ones, Derek had murdered before and he was just a phone call away in Sunset Beach. So could react quickly … … I've no doubt Ben was an awkward prisoner …"

Not wanting Father Antonio to go down that road Sister Jane interrupted him gently. "This time he took the pill because though angry he trusted you … mind you Mother Nature gave him a big enough hint. … He's made a step forward a barrier's been broken down … emotion has come through … not quite the way we wanted." and giving a gentle light sigh she then carried on "And granted the pussycat turned into a tiger, but he kept control and his claws in Antonio. … He did not kill as his brother did when cornered …he didn't even hit out … and you have to admit you were close enough to him for him to do so … He listened and he smouldered and that's what you saw as he walked away. He is still the Ben you know and trust and you are still his friend he trusts."

Then, knowing she could get away with it put a gentle command in her voice as she said. "Help me take this lot in and show him we trust him to stay without being watched. But you should warn the police not to confront him if he decides to leave us for any reason … just watch from a distance while we work out what to do."

Antonio nodded and gave a quiet "Thank you" and hoped he could really face Ben again if it came to it and looked back over at his friend just to check he was okay before helping her clear the table.