A/N: Hey, guys!
Sorry that it's been awhile between updates but school and work has been crazy lately, and I had to write this in between my two schedules. Rest assured, however, that this is one of the final three chapters, so this story should be updated again soon since we're so close to the end (a tear escapes, I swear).
Also, for anyone reading my other Glee story Phantasmagoria, that will be updated soon as well; this story is just so close to being done that I'm finding myself focused more on this one at the moment.
Important Note for This Chapter! This chapter the music is set up like a medley (thus the title) of songs that leads to the conclusion – the music won't be sung like the other music I've included but it's more of an incidental score taking place in the characters' heads.
Warnings: Angst. This chapter contains angst. It is the only chapter that gets this angsty and it will be corrected next chapter, but I've had this chapter in mind from day one, so it's all kind of been building up to this. Don't worry.
An Additional Note: Please don't hate Finn. I've tried to get in his headspace and it makes sense both what he did and what he does in this chapter and why it would make sense to him. I'd really like to emphasize that this story doesn't necessarily have good guys or bad guys but it's more focused on the characters of the show and why they interact the way that they do.
With all that out of the way, don't let me interrupt your reading of:
Glee
Kurt's Gamble
Chapter 13: Medley
Parte Prima—Kurt's Song: The Last Song I'm Wasting on You
Sparkling grey
Through my own veins
Any more than a whisper
Any sudden movement of my heart
And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away
Just get through this day
"Kurt, I'm not sure I understand exactly what you mean," Mr. Schuester said carefully. "Are you sure that if you're ready to talk about this, you don't want to try talking to Miss Pillsbury?"
"Mr. Schuester, not to insult your crush or anything, but she isn't exactly the most qualified counselor this school could have hired," Kurt said dryly, running his hands softly over the keys of the piano, barely pressing down hard enough to draw a note. The piano is as faithful as a lover, one of his old teachers had once said. Soft when you need it to be soft, harsh when you need its strength, and capable of drawing out the emotions of a room for all to see when they can't see what's right in front of their face. Kurt sighed and continued plucking out Evanescence, letting Amy Lee's tortured gothique run through the beating of his heart.
"I don't recognize this," Mr. Schuester said after a moment, and Kurt appreciated how he moved to sit down next to him on the bench, not touching him but not letting him back away from this conversation.
"It's called 'The Last Song I'm Wasting on You,'" Kurt said after a moment.
"It sounds like a song you've become pretty familiar with lately," Schue commented lightly, and Kurt smiled reluctantly. No matter how bumbling he could sometimes be, Will Schuester didn't have a mean bone in his body. He wouldn't judge, or condemn or scorn (well, maybe Coach Sylvester had her own special category, but then, who could blame him for that?).
"It should be," Kurt answered, trying to calm down. "The only other person I've told any of this to is Quinn. I don't even know why she was the first person I called. I haven't even told Mercedes any of this…"
"Maybe because Quinn's been through as much as you have, if not more, in the heart department this year," Schue suggested. "You knew that she'd understand and that she'd know how important it was to not tell anyone until you were ready to get through it on your own."
"Probably," Kurt acknowledged. "But…I don't know that I'm ready…" His hands faltered on the keys.
"So why are you here?"
"Noah," Kurt said softly, picking up the music again, playing stronger, more sure. "He said some things to me today, and I realized that he's right. I've been pushing everyone away from me for so long that I've forgotten how much it hurts to let people in again."
"But it can also feel amazing," Mr. Schuester reminded him, nudging his shoulder. Kurt smiled, thinking of the burning joy of Noah's claiming kiss, and he nodded.
"So, I guess this is where I make my confession – and please, don't think too bad of Finn in this. He really didn't mean…and I didn't…" Kurt frowned and set his mouth. "I have too good of a vocabulary to fall to pieces like this."
"It's okay, Kurt. You know that I'll be listening whenever you're ready."
"I'm ready."
Give up your way—
You could be anything,
Give up my way,
and lose myself—
Not today
That's too much guilt to pay
"I used to have the biggest crush on Finn, you know? It was the silliest thing. I didn't even know him. But he was the only one of the people at this school that treated me like I was a human being. Granted, he didn't stop the bullying, but he did what he could to help me survive it. You don't have to give me that look; I'm not thinking about suicide and I never did, either. That's a weak way out, and what would my dad do without me to take care of him?
"Anyway. Finn Hudson. Tall, handsome, popular, and suddenly he was in glee club and actually talking to me, and I guess I sort of let it all go to my head. Suddenly, Finn was real, and if I just tried hard enough then I could show him that we could be great, you know? I'm not proud of the way that I acted – hell, even Rachel had higher moral ground than me, and she was trying to steal him from Quinn from day one. But after everything that had happened between Quinn and Noah, suddenly I was Finn's best friend. He'd actually call me for advice and just to talk, and it was really nice, you know?
"That was when I came up with my oh-so-brilliant plan to get his mom to meet my dad so he'd have even more excuses to hang out with me – I didn't even see or care how uncomfortable he was getting. Mercedes and Quinn were both trying to tell me over and over how much this was going to hurt when it blew up in my face, but I didn't want to listen to them or believe them so I'd just change the subject, or I would tell myself that I didn't care. But then when Finn and my dad hit it off, suddenly Finn was the son my dad always kind of wanted – masculine, sports-obsessed, straight.
"Then, when Finn moved in, it just got worse, because suddenly I had to actually see Finn Hudson – who cares so much about what the idiots in this school think about him that he actually asked me to stop being so 'gay' around other people, who didn't want to do Lady Gaga just because the gay kid wanted to. So I tried…really, really hard…I redid the room so he'd be more comfortable and I guess I just have too much style because he just snapped. Told me he'd known how I felt about him and that he was tired of dealing with me, and then he called me a faggot."
Kurt's voice tightened and his fingers clawed on the keys, the piano notes turning sour for a brief moment before he continued with the melody.
Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die
Honey you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way
You're just so pretty in your pain
"After my dad kicked him out I guess he decided that he was sorry, because you know he showed up to school in a Gaga outfit to tell the jocks to leave me alone like that made everything okay with us, but it wasn't. I couldn't suddenly go back to staring at him all starry-eyed, he made sure of that. But Carole still lives with us and my dad let him back in the house, so I decided that the best thing was to try to forget the whole thing ever happened, but Finn just wouldn't let it go; he kept taking me out for coffee or seeing if I wanted to hang out with the guys, or he'd ditch hanging out with his friends if I was home alone so that he could spend time with me…
"And, no offence Mr. Schue, but Finn is kind of your teacher's pet, and you know how hard it is to stay mad at him – he's like a puppy, you know? So much of his life is dependent on how people think about him. So I forgave him, of course, because I still cared about him, no matter how stupid that was, but how could I stay mad at him when he was being so nice to me?
"Then, one night, a little after regionals, before he and Rachel were officially back together, I was crying, because it was the night before my mom passed away, and my dad had to work because of some big stupid project, and I was just letting it get to me because every year me and dad always make her spaghetti recipe and watch her favorite movies, and it was like…I love Carole, really I do, but it was like now that she's here dad could forget about mom, and I just sort of lost it. And, Finn didn't want me to cry anymore, so he just held me, and then he kissed me…"
Kurt trailed off, the notes of the song dying down slightly as his hands slid further away from the keys. "And how did that make you feel, Kurt?" Mr. Schue said softly, the first thing he'd said in a while. Kurt tried as hard as he could to blink away the tears, but one traitorous droplet slid from one of his eyes as he smiled, harsh and bittersweet.
"Amazing. I went to bed that night feeling like I was floating on a cloud. And the next day, Finn wasn't even being awkward around me. We had breakfast together like everything was normal, and when me and my dad went to visit her grave, Carole had to work and Finn said he was going to stay at home. I remember putting roses down on my mom's grave and telling her about how I'd kept my heart open, just like she said…" Kurt trailed off long enough to wipe away a tear, pausing in the music – it'd been like there was a noise in the hallway, a grunt of pain cut off, but Kurt chalked it up to his imagination; the early dismissal meant the school let out at one, and it was almost two now. He and Schue were the only ones here.
"Sorry," he said, after a moment of silence, finding his thread in the music and starting back up again.
"Don't worry about it," Mr. Schuester said firmly, squeezing Kurt's shoulder but letting go quickly. Kurt smiled to himself as he remembered how attentive to his students Schue really was; Kurt wasn't usually comfortable with casual contact.
"We got home late that night, and my dad was really quiet. He asked me if I was really okay with Carole moving in, again, which I thought was strange but I didn't really think about it, so I reassured him that I was happy he'd found love again. My dad really deserves that, you know? But, we were really quiet getting in and I went down to my room to change into my nightclothes, and then I headed upstairs to get some water, and that was when I realized that Finn had Rachel over, in our kitchen, and they were holding hands. I guess they'd just made up or something, again. I'm not sure – I'm still not sure. I just know that my heart fell, and…I decided to listen to their conversation. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have hurt so much if I'd just taken it at face value and gone to bed…
"She was asking him why he thought kissing me had been a good idea right after he'd told her that he loved her at regionals, and he told her…he told her he cared about me too much and he didn't like it when I was mad at him, so he was trying to cheer me up and get us to be friends again. She got all jealous and asked him what it was like, and…and he said…" Kurt forcefully swallowed around the bile in his throat and continued, his fingers digging deeper into the keys, digging out staccato. "He told her that it was like kissing a girl only 'gross' and that he just felt so bad for me, sitting there crying, and he wanted to cheer me up. My first kiss – my first real kiss – which had been so wonderful to me, from the boy I'd been in love with for forever, he gave me out of pity with his eyes screwed shut so he wouldn't gross himself out. I guess I'm just so girly that he could pretend I was Rachel."
"Kurt…I'm sure that Finn didn't mean to hurt you," Mr. Schuester started hesitantly, and Kurt snorted violently, easing back from the piano.
"Of course Finn didn't mean to hurt me," he cut him off. "He never means to hurt anybody; he just does. And then we forgive him. And I almost did – I cried my eyes out that night but I half-convinced myself that it'd all be alright if he could just tell me that he'd just been trying to get Rachel to forgive him, that he didn't mean any of it. But the next day he avoided me like the plague, like I could give him the gay or something, and when we had family dinner that night he invited Rachel over for dinner so they could hold hands and Rachel could meet Carole, right in front of me."
Give up my way, and I could be anything
I'll make my own way
Without your senseless hate
"I…kind of lost it, actually. I was so rude to Rachel that even Carole asked me if I was feeling alright. I went into the kitchen to try to calm down and grab myself something to drink, but Finn followed me in there so he could ask me what was wrong. He honestly didn't understand why I was so upset. I tried to remind him about the kiss but he just backtracked, all panicked, and he told me he thought that I'd be happy for him and Rachel because we were friends again. I just asked him to leave and told everyone that I was going downstairs because Rachel's voice was giving me a headache and I locked the door. You know, she had a right to be as mad at me as she was at first when all this blew up. My dad didn't even know what to say. I've never seen him so shocked – well, except maybe when I came home with my hair done. Then he really couldn't say anything – but that was more recent.
"Later that night, when I was sure Finn was gone to drive Rachel home and probably cool off from how angry I'd made him, I snuck upstairs to sneak some water and some Advil, and I heard my dad and Carole talking from the upstairs bedroom. I swear, I've learned my lesson about eavesdropping. They were talking about me, of course. Even Carole had realized by then what I felt for Finn, and they were talking about if I'd ever get over it or if Finn would hurt me any worse than I was hurting myself – they had no idea about what had happened. And then I heard my dad…I heard my dad say that he thought that I'd fallen for Finn because I didn't think I was worth anyone I could have, and that…that sometimes he wished I'd been born a girl – not because he hated that I'm gay, but because his biggest fear for me was that I wouldn't find a good guy and that I'd spend the rest of my life alone and scared, without a family to call my own, and that he was afraid that I'd freeze everyone out so much that if I ever did find someone, I'd drive them off all on my own.
"And you know what I hate the most about all of it? I still care about him!"
Kurt finally choked as what felt like a big, burning ball of emotion – rage, pain, shame, self-disgust – boiled outward from the icy walls he'd tried to erect around his heart, and he didn't even notice when Mr. Schuester had pulled him into a hug and he was sobbing his heart out onto Schue's hopelessly fashion-backwards blue vest. Oddly enough, he thought he heard a banging sound from out in the hall, but he couldn't think coherently enough to focus on it.
So run, run, run
And hate me, if it feels good
I can't hear your screams anymore
After what felt like an eternity, Kurt pulled back and smiled apologetically at Mr. Schue, who just shrugged and handed him a box of Kleenex. Kurt sighed as he started wiping the rain of tears away, blowing his nose, and when he was done Mr. Schuester, looking incredibly patient and understanding, simply asked "Feel better?"
"Actually, yeah, a little," Kurt said shakily.
"Sometimes crying can do that. I don't think you've let yourself break down about this yet, have you?"
"No – I was afraid that once I started, I wouldn't stop. God, I don't even recognize myself anymore," Kurt said, banging his head on the piano.
"Well, lately you and Finn seem to be on better ground," Mr. Schue said. "I always like to try to look at things optimistically. What happened was regrettable but you've done something amazing with it, Kurt: you've found yourself. You've strengthened your friendships with every one of your team members, from what I've seen you and Finn are on your way to becoming real friends now that some of these feelings are starting to clear up. And I don't think I've ever seen Noah Puckerman as stable as when he's with you. What do you want to happen?"
"I want to be with Noah," Kurt said, allowing a small, dreamy smile to bush across his features. "He…I feel amazing with him – like the way he looks at me. I've never actually felt…attractive, before, you know? He lets his guard down when he's with me and he'll let me see Noah, not Puck, the kind of guy you'd want to know, who'd be a good father to Beth and…" Kurt trailed off, and he smiled.
"What?" Mr. Schuester asked, nudging Kurt's shoulder like he already knew the answer.
"I'm not in love with Finn anymore," Kurt said wonderingly, as what felt like a huge, fifty pound weight was lifted from his shoulders. "I love Noah."
"Good," Schue said, as if that's what Kurt had been saying all along. Maybe he had been.
"I was never in love with Finn," Kurt continued, slowly finding his way along what felt like a cross between a dangerous precipice and the sunrise. "He was…my dad was actually kind of right. Finn was safe, because he'd never want me back, and he'd never disappoint me. But Puck's real, and…I should go tell him this!" Kurt looked up to see Mr. Schuester's radiant smile, the smile he gave to a student who'd just solved a particularly hard problem, and he didn't protest when Kurt gave him a fierce hug. "You're the greatest teacher, Mr. Schue," he said fervently.
"Thanks, Kurt." Schuester pulled back after a moment and nodded towards the door. "But don't you have somewhere to be?"
"Right," Kurt said firmly. He smiled slyly as he started for the door, and turned around with a mischievous smile. "You know, the next time Coach Sylvester starts in on your hair, you could go after her tracksuits. Not that that's a touchy subject for her, or anything." Mr. Schuester's grin widened comically and Kurt made a beeline for the door, practically skipping, as he hummed the rest of the song to himself triumphantly.
You lied to me And you'll never hurt me again.
But I'm older now
And I'm not buying, baby
Demanding my response—
Don't bother breaking the door down
I've found my way out
Parte Secunda—Finn's Song: Even the Devil Wouldn't Recognize You
As quiet as it is tonight
You'd almost think you were safe
Your eyes are full of surprises
They cannot predict my fate
Waiting underneath the stars
There's something you should know
The angels they surround my heart
Telling me to let you go
Finn Hudson had locked the door of Santana's bathroom while he stared at himself in the mirror and wondered how the hell he'd gotten here.
Outside, the party raged on, and Finn guessed that he should've been happy; the jocks and the gleeks and the Cheerios were all shoulder to shoulder dancing with Santana and Brittany at the helm, and there hadn't been one slur about gay people (but then, Finn figured, it'd been really hot when they were making out and also all the jocks were dead scared of Santana). It was what he'd always wanted, right? Instead, he'd locked himself in the bathroom and was staring in the mirror wondering when he'd managed to screw things up this monumentally.
It had all probably started with Kurt. Now that had been a stupid thing to do. Finn had done plenty of dumb stuff (with Puck, mostly) but that had really taken the cake as his mom would say – not that Finn understood that phrase because, what cake? He wondered if there was cake in Santana's fridge and snapped himself back out of it. Wasn't Kurt always saying that deep thinking only happened when you were alone and quiet? Well, what Kurt had always said, because Kurt still wasn't really talking to him and that so wasn't fair! Finn had tried to apologize even when he wasn't sure what he was apologizing for (because Rachel told him to); shouldn't that count for something?
Of course not, and now everyone was on Puck's side, and how freaking backwards was that? Puck was a total douche for taking Quinn and now taking Kurt and even Rachel is talking to Puck and not to Finn, and Finn clenched his fist and slammed it into the kitchen sink. Puck just took everything didn't he? He took Quinn and he took baby Drizzle and now he's even taking all of Finn's friends and damn it, Kurt shouldn't be looking at Puck like that because why couldn't Kurt see that Finn was just trying to protect him from when Puck would hurt him (not if); Puck would hurt him so much worse than Finn had hurt him Finn was sure of it.
I bet you couldn't It's like over and over you're pushing me
I bet you couldn't recognize but I've been hidin' to it
Who am I to criticize?
Somehow I'll get through it and you won't even realize
Falling for your own disguise
Right down to the floor
I should just walk away.
Over and over I keep on coming back for more
I play into your fantasy
Now that it's over
You can lie to me right through your smile
I've seen behind your eyes
Now it's over, no more intoxicating my mind
Finn ran his hands through his hair and sat down on the toilet. He hated this new Kurt, the unapproachable and popular and mean. This new Kurt was perfect for Puck but it wasn't the real Kurt, the Kurt with the gentle smiles and the soft touches and the pain that he tried to hide behind his eyes whenever Finn put his big, stupid foot in it. Stupid Puck. Finn looked up as the door opened and he tried to smile when Rachel stepped in, but the look on her face was very much the 'I'm going to talk and you're going to listen' and he didn't like it when Rachel did that.
"Why are you in here, Finn? Shouldn't you be out at the party?" Rachel asked, her voice coming out something like accusing.
"No one wants me out there," he said gloomily. "They want Puck out there."
"Maybe because Noah's the only one who's been acting like—"
"Oh, so it's Noah now, huh?" Finn ejaculated, jerking up. "You're just as bad as Kurt!"
"If you think for one second that me being friends with Noah is the same thing as Kurt having a relationship with him then maybe I was wrong to say that the two of you aren't together!" Rachel cried waspishly. "Do you even hear yourself anymore, Finn? You sound like a jealous boyfriend!"
"I was your boyfriend until you dumped me!" Finn yelled.
"I only broke up with you because you're acting like an immature, boorish philistine who never put me first in his life!" Rachel snapped. "Football, your own obsession with popularity and Kurt Hummel all came before me in that order, Finn Hudson, and I deserved better than that!"
"Oh, like if I'd ever gotten in the way of your 'career' you wouldn't have thrown me out like trash!" Finn yelled. He didn't even know why he was so angry; all he knew was that he was heaving like an angry bull and shaking like he only did when he was really upset and his mom was the only one who could hold onto him and make him stop. And she was totally wrong; he didn't care about Kurt like that…did he? Finn was starting to confuse himself.
"That's completely unfair, Finn," Rachel said quietly, her lip quivering, and he just wanted to hold her and make her stop crying but he was so confused and upset at this point that the bathroom was spinning and he didn't trust himself to step forward. "My career is my life – we're just in high school. I'm not asking you to get married; I just want you to stop ruining our relationship because you're having a crisis over what you're feeling for Kurt."
"I'm not having a crisis over Kurt!" Finn protested hotly. "Just because I think he deserves better than a scumbag like Puck doesn't mean—"
"Well, who would you want for him, Finn? You?"
"No – I don't know, okay?" Finn hollered. "Why do you have to just keep pushing all the freaking time! I'm not the only reason we broke up!"
"Yes you are!" Rachel cried dramatically, her chest heaving. She finally went quiet and glanced down before looking up, her stage show in place. "A diva is always alone in the end. I should have remembered that. Goodbye, Finn." With that, she flounced out of the bathroom and stormed out of the house, and Finn stared after her for a moment before his legs started working properly and he wobbled out after her.
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
I do, I do
"Good god, you weren't in there having freakish geek sex, were you? Because I think I'll throw up," Santana complained. Then she caught sight of his face. "Jesus, Hudson. Go back downstairs." She thrust a glass of something in his hand and Finn totally knew that he shouldn't have drank it because he was a complete lightweight and Puck always warned him about the liquor Santana served at her parties – but then Finn thought about Puck and screw it and he was draining half the glass as he stumbled down into the kitchen.
Rachel had no idea what she was talking about…did she?
Finn avoided looking in the mirror as he went into the kitchen.
You almost fooled yourself this time I bet you couldn't
That all the saints be praised
You hide your sadness behind your smile
And you keep your lost heartbreaks
The steps that hedge along the ledge
It's much higher than it seems
But I've been on that ledge before
You can't hide yourself from me
I bet you couldn't recognize, I still play right to it
Who am I to criticize?
Somehow I'll get through it and you won't even realize
Falling for your own disguise
Thank god the window was open, because Finn felt like he was going to puke. He let the cool air slide over his sweaty face and whimpered as he felt what was probably a migraine coming on. He didn't…like Kurt like that, did he? He was completely straight…but…Finn felt like he was chasing something around in circles, just out of reach, and he didn't like this damn song and why the hell did Santana have to play it all freaking night?
It's like over and over you're pushin' me Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, I do
Right down to the floor
I should just walk away
Over and over I keep on coming back for more
I play into your fantasy
Now that it's over
You can lie to me right through your smile
I've seen behind your eyes
Now it's over no more intoxicating my mind
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, I do
I do, I do
Kurt was the coolest guy ever and he was one of Finn's best friends, and he totally deserved someone who was good to him and nice to him and wouldn't hurt him, because Puck was totally going to hurt Kurt just like he hurt everyone else. Kurt needed stable, and Puck was an explosive, and Finn just wanted to protect Kurt from the blast because he was so small and he couldn't take care of himself, and what if Rachel was right? What if he was the only one who was good enough for Kurt? Could he be that guy for Kurt, the one who used to make his eyes light up and that dreamy smile go across his face? God, Finn missed that look in Kurt's eyes that made him feel a mile high whenever he so much as walked into a room.
Now, Kurt couldn't even stand to look at him, and it was all his fault because Finn had screwed it up just like he always screws everything up. He banged his head against the window.
"Finn? What the hell are you doing?" Quinn asked, her voice sharp and cold as the wind, practically slapping him out of his weepy stupor. Stupid drinks.
She was so beautiful, and Puck had stolen her from him just like Rachel and Kurt and baby Drizzle, and Finn heaved himself drunkenly into her arms (the statuesque blonde's eyes widened in horror as he blew his nose on her shirt and sobbed drunkenly into her neck). "I screwed everything up, Quinnie, I know I did," he whispered brokenly. Her heavenly perfume was invading his senses and making his head spin even worse.
"There, there," she said, sighing. "Now get off of me."
"I don't…you shouldn't have left me either. Why does everyone leave me?" Finn whimpered. Now Quinn was looking alarmed and practically shoving at him. He just wanted everything to go back to the way it was before glee happened, and screw it, her lips were gorgeous and he didn't want to think about being the best boyfriend to Kurt ever and he was just tired of thinking so he dove forward and went for her lips.
It's like over and over you're pushin' me Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, you you you
Right down to the floor
I should just walk away
Over and over I keep on coming back for more
I play into your fantasy
Now that it's over you can lie to me
Right through your smile
I've seen behind your eyes
Now it's over no more intoxicating my mind
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, you you you
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, you you you
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do, I do, I do
For just a moment, she was as still and cold as a statue of that war goddess that had been on display at the museum they'd went to when they were in elementary school, before she shoved him away from her. Quinn looked upset and hurt and shocked and absolutely enraged, and before he knew what she was doing she'd slapped him across the face so hard his ears started ringing.
"How dare you?" she shrieked. The music cut off abruptly as Santana and Brittany, called like dogs to the head Cheerio's cry, led the rest of the glee club into the kitchen – but Quinn didn't seem to notice. "After everything you've put all of us through these last couple of months?"
"What I've put you through, you bitch?" Finn bellowed, and just like that, the cork was out and ever nasty thing he'd ever longed to hurl at them all was just pouring out because he was just so sick of it all. "Like when you cheated on me and took away my baby?" Quinn flinched back, looking like he'd punched her. "Now, what, you're gonna leave me for Puck too? You think I didn't hear about how he was sexting while he was 'with' you, and you're trying to tell me that I'm screwed up? I'm so sick of everyone acting like I'm the bad guy here when I'm always the one that's got to lead all of you and I'm just done! Screw you guys and all of your freaking problems!"
"Dude – you really need to put that drink down before I cut you," Mercedes said warningly.
"I DON'T NEED TO PUT MY DRINK DOWN!" Finn roared and threw the cup at the wall hard enough for it to explode, raining alcohol down on Brittany, who looked ready to cry. Santana's eyes burned fire as she exploded forward and grabbed his arm with bruising strength, dragging him forward and shaking him hard enough for his teeth to rattle.
"You listen to me right now, Hudson! You need to calm the hell down! Is this what you were going for?" She shoved his head to the side so he could see Quinn trembling, white-faced, Brittany sobbing, and the rest of the gleeks looking completely scared like the way they used to when he was just a quarterback and Karofsky's best bud besides, but Finn was so mad and scared and confused that he just shoved her off him hard enough that even Santana stumbled back.
"Keep your hands off me, you god damn slut!" Santana's eyes widened and there was a collective gasp. In the dead silence, an awfully familiar, loud truck roared down the road and Finn's gut tightened as Puck burst through the door, looking madder than Finn had ever seen him, and then, as if it was something they'd both agreed on, they just went for it. The alcohol had dulled his senses so Finn didn't really feel the punishing blows that Puck was raining down on him, and Finn was just punching back, and they rolled over and knocked the lamp off the table with a loud crash and just as Finn was about to slam his fist into Puck's stupid face, Quinn Fabray snapped out of her shock.
If Finn had thought that Santana was strong, he really hadn't been paying attention to that slap, because he and Puck were both hauled off and thrown in the opposite direction so hard that Finn finally gave in and threw up all over Santana's rug. The ringing in his ears started to die down as a cold dollop of sobriety slipped through him and he looked up warily. Quinn was standing in between the two of them with her fists clenched, daring either of them to make a move. Santana looked more shaken than Finn had ever seen her, holding onto Brittany. Tina was clutching Artie's hand while Mike stood ready to move in to back Quinn up.
"Okay, I don't know what the hell just happened, but Finn, just shut up." Quinn sneered at him viciously when he tried to speak, and he snapped his mouth shut. She turned the terrifying glare on Puck and he subsided. "Now, Noah. Why the hell did you just come in here and start trying to break his ribs?"
"Kurt told me what the hell that bastard did!" Puck snarled, and Finn felt his heart plummet. Oddly enough, that seemed to make Quinn even angrier.
"Oh, he did, did he? Funnily enough, I seem to remember you asking Mr. Schue to talk to him, alone. Eavesdropping, much?" she asked with a voice sweet as poisoned honey. Puck's mouth snapped shut. "You had no right to do that, Puck, and frankly, after everything you've told me about how you feel about Kurt, I'm ashamed of you." Puck's face colored up, and she turned her back on him disdainfully. "Finn, I'm taking you home right now. Where are your keys?"
Finn numbly handed them off to her, and she took him firmly by the elbow and hauled him towards the front door.
"Finn!" Brittany yelled. Maybe it was the fact that Brittany actually raised her voice, but everyone turned to see her. Her lip was trembling and the usually happy mask was gone; she looked like someone had just kicked a kitten in front of her. She stomped forward and before anyone could blink she'd kicked Finn in the balls as hard as she could. Finn crumpled, moaning pitifully, but Quinn sighed irritably and hauled him out of the house.
The cold night air rushing past his window helped his headache, but Finn still felt like he could happily crawl in a hole and kill himself. Quinn sighed sadly. "Finn, tell me everything that Rachel said to you in that bathroom."
"Quinn—"
"Finnegan Hudson, I know exactly what happened between you and Kurt and exactly why it happened but I'm willing to bet fifty dollars that you don't know why it happened and Rachel just made you really confused. Oh, and if you ever drink around me again, I'll choke you. Now, start talking."
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you
I do.
Finale—Puck's Song: Don't Tell Me
You held my hand and walked me home, I know
While you gave me that kiss it was something like this—it made me go oh-oh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love—
Guys are so hard to trust
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away?
Puck had never been so scared in his life. His emotions were running on full-blown freakout mode, and here he stood, trembling, in Kurt's basement, as Kurt was sitting on the floor next to his palatial bed, dressed in a lovely tight-fitting black t-shirt and designer slacks. He looked like he'd been getting ready to go out, but was now holding the small guitar that he and Puck had bought together a few weeks ago, when everything was still okay and Puck's heart wasn't breaking apart and he'd been teaching Kurt to play the guitar. Worse thing was that he recognized the tune from Kurt's iPod, one of Avril Lavigne's tunes, and maybe Puck would've made fun of him but he'd found out that her second album had actually been pretty damn good back when she was still doing dark rock stuff. This song, though, this was one that Puck never wanted to hear Kurt sing.
Puck had only felt like this once before, when Quinn had been having Beth and for a brief, tiny moment a vein had ruptured and the doctors had had to clamp it to stop the bleeding. Puck's mom had told him later that that wasn't really unusual in childbirth and that the doctors had been so prepared for it that Quinn hadn't even lost enough blood to count for a blood donation, but seeing the ruby fluid drip from a screaming Quinn while Beth had been taken away to be cleaned had scarred Puck to his bones. In that moment he'd been so scared that he'd lose Quinn and his baby, and he'd pinned so much of his heart on the two of them. This was why Puck tried so hard to not care – because it didn't hurt so much when people left you.
Kurt wasn't looking at him now. He was completely closed off to him, and Puck had no idea how to fix it.
Having to listen – having to know – when Kurt told his story to Schue this afternoon, Puck's entire body had felt taught as a bowstring. And having to hear Kurt say that he still cared about Finn after everything, Puck had finally snapped. He'd slammed his hand into the lockers behind him and run, run as far and as fast as he could, until he realized he'd slammed into the weight room and he was pounding on the punching bag for all he was worth, taking out months of frustration and fear on the uncompromising leather until his knuckles were raw. Earlier, Puck had been forced to realize how much Kurt cared about him, but now he really knew how much he cared about Kurt. Only Kurt could hurt him like this – well, maybe Quinn could too. But Puck knew that he was second-best to Finn, again, just like with Quinn and with Rachel…
The damn punching bag wasn't enough, and he'd finally stumbled outside and slammed into his truck, roaring to Santana's party and walking in on one hell of a fight that was all Finn's fault, just like everything was, and fuck Finn for having everything that Puck wanted without even trying! His fist connecting with Finn's stupid freaking mouth had felt like a song in his heart, and then they were both taking each other down and Puck was pretty sure that he was going to have to tape his ribs when he got home because neither of them had been able to get any head shots in so it was pretty much body shots and it freaking hurt, but it had felt so good, until…
The sheer look of disgust mixed with pity mixed with anger on Quinn's face after she'd slapped him, the absolute sneer in her voice when she'd said You had no right to do that, Puck, and frankly, after everything you've told me about how you feel about Kurt, I'm ashamed of you. Nothing could have cut him deeper than those words, before she'd picked Finn up instead of him and taken him home, home to where Kurt was, and Puck just stood there, trembling, until Mercedes Jones had slapped him on his other cheek and snarled at him, "Look, white boy, I don't got one freakin' clue what's going on here, but whatever the hell you done to my boy you better fix it, fast, or I'mma cut you, get it?" Puck had glanced around, seeing Santana and Brittany holding each other up, the other gleeks looking freaked out or lost and alone, and how the hell had things gone to shit this far this fast?
One more glare from Mercedes and Puck was out the door, taking a shortcut he knew Quinn didn't know about because he had to get to Kurt before Finn did, before Finn could convince Kurt to let Puck go, because Finn could, because Finn was right about one thing – Puck didn't deserve Kurt. He knew that, but there was no way that he could ever let his Princess go. Not now, not ever.
That maxim ringing in his heart, Puck had thrown the door open and ignored a startled Carole coming out of the kitchen as he thundered down the basement stairs to find Kurt, half-dressed to go to Santana's party, softly playing his guitar and looking at nothing, not at Puck, but at the phone laying next to him when he said, "Quinn called."
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you? (This time?)
Did you think that it was something I was gonna do? (And cry?)
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Don't try to tell me what to say,
You're better off that way
"Kurt…please…"
"Funny thing about eavesdropping," Kurt said, looking up for the first time, his eyes glassy with furiously unshed tears. "You hear all kinds of things that you don't want to hear. Isn't that right, Puck?" His nickname sounded wrong on Kurt's sweet lips and all Puck wanted to do was kiss him and make him call him Noah again. "Or did you get everything you wanted to know? Was it hard to wait this long to get me to tell Mr. Schuester so you could hear? Was it fun, having me believe everything you told me instead of actually listening to what you said when this all started about how you were going to find out about it? You going to tell Ben-Israel and put it on his blog so he'll stop telling the school what a slut you are?"
"Kurt, you can't think that's why—"
"Can't I?" Kurt asked, trying desperately to put on a strong face and failing miserably. He looked broken, and Puck had no idea how to fix it. He had an absurd thought of standing in the basement over Kurt with a bottle of glue and had to fight back a hysterical giggle. Everything was going to shit, and he had no one to blame but him.
"Kurt, please, I lo—"
"DON'T YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE, PUCKERMAN, DON'T YOU DARE!" Kurt bellowed. "Don't you get it, Puck? I trusted you! I gave you everything that I could give! Do you think it was fun, telling Mr. Schuester that my first kiss was out of pity? Do you have any idea how much that hurt, how humiliating that was? And you made me do it because I believed that you wanted me to feel better for us, and the whole time you just wanted to hear what I couldn't tell you!"
"Wouldn't tell me!" Puck snapped, yelling right back. "I just wanted to help you because I freaking can't stand seeing you hurt!"
"Maybe you should have thought about that before you did…god, I'm so stupid," Kurt moaned, sinking back down to the discarded guitar. "I can't believe I really thought…I mean, were you cheating on me this whole time? Is that why you were so patient?"
"Please tell me you don't believe that. Please, look at me, Kurt, not Puck, Noah, Kurt, Noah – I'm begging you, don't do this!" Puck sank to his knees, forcing Kurt at eye level, his each word driving in, and maybe Kurt would, could, believe him because Puck felt like he was fighting the battle of his life and Kurt just had his knees drawn up, looking like a scared, lost child, and Puck moved to take him in his arms.
Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck
Will get you in my pants; I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop; I thought I liked you a lot, but I'm really upset
Get out of my head, get off of my bed – yeah, that's what I said
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who throws it all away?
That was when Finn's big feet came stumbling down the stairs, and Finn drew up short at the sight of them. The three of them froze like some weird tableau piece that Kurt had shown Puck on YouTube one time, until Finn's face snapped into a scowl and he growled out, "What the hell do you think you're doing in here, Puck?"
"Screw you, Hudson," Puck snapped, drawing back from a still-frozen Kurt, who was staring between the two of them with wide eyes, and Puck knew why – the basement was Kurt's sanctuary, the one place he got away from the jocks who tormented him daily and the hate mail and phone messages he sometimes got, which was why he was so particular about who was allowed down there. "If either of us needs to leave it's you."
"That's really great that you think because I made one mistake with Kurt that I'm the one who needs to leave!" Finn yelled. "I'm not the one who used to throw him in the dumpster every morning!"
"Shut the hell up!" Puck roared. "And you sure as hell never stopped it, did you? You were too freaking scared of the popular kids kicking you out that you came down here and called him a faggot in his own house!" Kurt flinched back, and Puck turned towards him guiltily, knowing how much he hated that word, but Finn stomped forward.
"Don't you freaking touch him, Puckerman!" Finn hollered. "You're not good enough for him!"
"And what, you are?" Puck demanded, jumping in Finn's face.
"I'm sure as hell better for him that you are!"
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you? (This time?)
Did you think that it was something I was gonna do? (And cry?)
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Don't try to tell me what to say,
You're better off that way
"You're freaking straight, Hudson, and Kurt's my boyfriend; what the hell do you think you're doing?" Puck snarled.
"I could be Kurt's boyfriend!" Finn defended himself, and Puck's eyes widened in shock. "I could! And that's what you can't stand, because he was mine before he was yours, just like Quinn and Rachel, and that's the only reason you even went after him in the first place, wasn't it, because he was someone else's and the Puckmeister just can't stand it if someone else has something that he doesn't!"
"Oh, this is my problem?" Puck screamed. "Quinn wasn't in love with you anyways, you asshole, she was with you because you were the quarterback! And you're straight, god damn it; we all know the only reason you even think you like Kurt is because you don't want me to have him!" By now, Kurt was crying, but Puck was so enraged he didn't even notice.
"I'm not the one treating Kurt like a piece of trash!" Finn snapped back. "And we were all there, Puck! We all saw what happened with you and Kurt, and the only reason you started 'going out' together is because he's like the one interested person in this school you haven't screwed yet!"
"Stop it…please, just stop it," Kurt whispered, and that tiny, broken sound was enough to make both of them freeze and look at the traumatized boy sitting down on the floor, broken and alone.
"Kurt, you don't believe him; tell me you don't believe him," Puck whispered, but the tears were rolling down Kurt's face like acid on Puck's heart.
This guilt trip that you put me on
Won't mess me up; I've done no wrong
And any thoughts of you and me have gone away
"Okay, I sent you down here to patch this up, not to start World War III," Quinn said waspishly as she stalked down the stairs, followed by Burt and Carole. As the three of them took in the scene, Quinn's eyes darkened in a way that promised impending pain and destruction when they landed on Kurt's stricken face. Burt looked murderous, but Quinn cut him off with a cold hand gesture and her voice came out in a icy cold, commanding tone that she usually only used on idiot cheerleaders. "Finn Hudson, go upstairs to the bathroom and wash your face with cold water. Then I want you to go to your bedroom and shut the door. Don't come out until tomorrow. Noah Puckerman, go home, right now, before you screw this up any worse than you already have. Kurt, stay down here. Me and Burt and Carole will be back in a minute." Seeing that no one had moved to accede to her demands, her fists clenched. "Right NOW!"
Finn was the first who stumbled upstairs, looking as dazed and sad and confused as if someone had hit him over the head with a frying pan. Puck, shooting one last desperate look at Kurt, who refused to look at him, slowly walked up the stairs. Him. Kurt was crying because of him. Feeling lower than dirt, he stumbled past Quinn without daring to look at her either, though she followed him up the stairs. "I'll be by to talk to you tomorrow. Sleep it off," she said coldly, and then shut the door in his face, barring him from the Hummel's house.
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you? (This time?)
Did you think that it was something I was gonna do? (And cry?)
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Don't try to tell me what to say,
You're better off that way
Quinn Fabray rested her head against the door, taking a deep breath as she turned back to the cozy Hummel house, where Burt looked torn between which teenager he wanted to beat down and Carole was worriedly looking between the upstairs where Finn was and the downstairs where Kurt was, as if debating which one needed her more at the moment.
"It would be so easy," she said finally, "If Finn was gay, because then I could at least get them into a threesome together and spare myself the angst." Burt and Carole looked at her in something oddly like horror, and Quinn sighed and rolled her eyes. "Why I've gotten stuck playing the love guru for these idiots is beyond my understanding. Men. I have to do everything myself." Pulling out her cell, Quinn shot her mother a text telling her she'd be staying the night at the Hummels. She looked up at a thoroughly confused Burt and Carole and smiled, pulling them into a group hug. "Don't worry about it. I'll get this fixed."
Heading downstairs, Quinn sighed as she saw Kurt, still curled up in the same defensive position she'd left him in. The sight gave her pause. She was used to Kurt being the strong one; always in control, never allowing anything to get to him. When she'd been taken in by Mercedes and she'd finally gotten an opportunity to get to know Kurt better, to get past the shields and the defenses and be allowed in to the huge heart that he hid beneath a layer of ice, Quinn had gained one of the best friends she'd ever known. It was unsettling to see him look so weak and lost and alone, and she vowed to herself that she would fix this because she needed to do it for more than her own peace of mind.
She smiled softly and just sat down next to him, letting him cry it out in her lap and stroking his hair softly, wondering when it had all gone wrong just when it was finally starting to go right, for once.
(You're better off that way)
I'm better off alone anyway.
SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:
So, this chapter was formatted differently, as you know, and instead of really singing the songs most of these take place inside of the characters' heads (though the second one technically was playing through Santana's speakers).
"The Last Song I'm Wasting on You" by Evanescence – This song was one of the B-sides to Evanescence's magnificent second album The Open Door. It's a powerful piano ballad that I've always been able to imagine Kurt singing to Finn since "Theatricality." Of course, it's a little annoying to include it now since Evanescence has pushed back their third album again, but still, a beautiful number. In further Evanescence news, if you haven't tried Ben Moody's new band We Are the Fallen's debut album Tear the World Down, it actually is quite good if you ignore the fact that it sounds like Moody was just writing what he would have wanted Evanescence's second album to be.
"Devil Wouldn't Recognize You" by Madonna – I debated with this one. I love Madonna, I really do – I'm one of her obsessed fans. But this album Hard Candy was MISERABLE. It was the worst thing she's ever done, and from this album there were only three good songs: "4 Minutes" which Glee did an amazing cover of, "Miles Away," and this song. This song is epic. I love this song, but I hate the album it was taken from. I felt it kind of fit the scene, anyway.
"Don't Tell Me" by Avril Lavigne – I agree with what I stated in the scene this was used; Lavigne was at her best in Under My Skin and the sugargum pop of The Best Damn Thing offended me so much I stopped listening to her. Her song "Alice" for the Alice in Wonderland soundtrack was so good, though, that I'm giving her a second chance. I'm so glad that she divorced her husband, because from everything that we've heard her new album will finally be coming out and it will be darker, more acoustic, and back to her original style. Thank god.
A/N: Wow, this chapter took a while to write! I'm really sorry for the wait, but I'm pretty proud of it as it is, so I'm hoping that you all enjoyed it. Just to remind you, there are literally only two chapters left, so I'm fairly certain that this will be finished before October is over – if not, it will be done by the beginning of November.
Next Time on Kurt's Gamble – Quinn takes over!
Until next time!