Summary: She once stood with the Noah clan, but the Innocence had intervened during her reincarnation, making her the host and locking up her other self. With this, she forgotten the person she loved most, but as an exorcist, she fell in love. KandaXOCXTyki.

Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man. Anything off from the original story is not by the series' author/artist.

Note: This ends the re-uploads. Hope I can upload a new chapter soon (major procrastinating happening here).

I update sporadically, so do take note that updates will not be often. It can be as short as a month, to as long as seven months, but the series will not be discontinued unless stated. Do add As Your Lover to your story alert. Thank you.

Recap:

"There's a woman that I could never forget. I fight so that I can meet her. What is your reason then?"

"I want to protect him."

As Your Lover – Blunder

The tall General walked with long strides in the dark night, his gold trimmed uniform glistering under the street lights. The little whitehead trailed after him, with her cheeks puffed up in resentment. It was the first time they had a disagreement. They were set to leave for the midnight train but Guren was too tired to move; she had only managed two hours of sleep while trying to recuperate from her abused body. All she asked from her father was to let her snooze for a bit and it resulted in her being dragged out to hell. Her eyes were heavy lidded as her suitcase dragged against the rough pavement, "Cross, I can't walk anymore…"

"Sure, sure. Just don't stop moving." He muttered while exhaling from his cigarette. It was a rather cold night, with the moon hanging high in the navy sheet, but it wasn't the occasion for him to admire the weather. He thought it was an increase in the AKUMAs manufactured by the Millennium Earl initially, but as days passed by, Cross noticed that the growth was only centered around his appearance in the various cities. It made him unable to stay at a place for more than two weeks. And Guren, with her striking appearance, only made their position more conspicuous to the people of the Dark Matter.

He sighed; the night was still long and he had to spend it with that brat. It was easier for them to travel at night, under the screen of darkness, but Guren was just so… Plain lazy. He was beginning to feel irritation towards the supposing-cute-at-first child. She was constantly sleeping. All she wanted was to sleep. She was that strange type of people that could sleep the day away and still complain about their lack of sleep. He sighed again. Exhaling the smoke from his lips as the exhausted cigarette was thrown to the sidewalk. Cross turned around to check on his daughter, only to find her hugging the lamppost, obviously deep into dreamland.

His brow was twitching in annoyance as Cross stalked over to the sleeping child. Gloved fingers snatched at Guren's pale cheeks as the girl immediately woke up with a yelp. "AKUMA!"

"And that would be you. Now, hurry up. We only got twenty minutes more before the train departs."

"I don't want to walk anymore."

"Stop sprouting nonsense."

"I'm tired. My feet are not listening to me anymore."

"That's just your mind playing tricks on you, child."

"But you made me run a marathon to lure the AKUMAs away! And I have to exorcise three whole batches of those wretched machines. The Innocence is draining my vitality away."

"Hah! Liars should be punished," Cross announced as he flicked her forehead roughly, causing the girl to fall back on her bottom. She got up quickly, suddenly full of fight as she tackled the General with a flying kick. But of course, it doesn't work well for someone of her stature as Cross grabbed her ankles and hung her upside-down. "What's this? Rebellious age?"

"You should know that I'm not lying. This whole Innocence thing is weird for me," she complained when Cross flipped her over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. She pulled at the ends of his hair but Cross just ignored her and continue walking. Guren thought about her Innocence; it was true that she became tired of using it, but it had never happened to Cross before. Was it just her inexperience or was it because of her Noah genes? She was hoping for it not being the latter, with her fingers crossed. She propped her elbow on his shoulder as she rest the side of her face on her palm, "You don't need to keep things from me. I know that there are more of them now."

"And why won't you stop acting like a brat and do as I say?"

"'Cause I'm tired."

Cross rolled his eyes at her reply as he continued walking. He could imagine how criminal he looked now, an adult carrying two suitcases, a cat plush and a child over his shoulders. Parenting was such a troublesome thing. How could people look forward to it? He pinched her thigh in annoyance while she hit his back immediately in retaliation. But something doesn't feel right about her. "Have you been eating?"

"I eat chocolates every day without fail."

"Food. Real food, idiot."

"What are you scheming about?"

"Is that what you really think of me? I'm hurt."

"Seriously."

"I am. Your bones are jabbing my sides."

"Well, I'm slim."

"Skinny. Scrawny. Like a skeleton." Truth to be told, even if he thought she was lazy, it was only in the slumber department. He had never really seen her eat much. Hmm. An underweight and frail apprentice would not do well. "You're going to eat lots when we get on the train."

There was only laughter after his statement; Cross was amused by how his ward hated to eat food, mainly because she didn't like to chew, while Guren was laughing because her father was such a doting idiot and yet, completely unaware of it.

"She's really sweet, isn't she?" Lavi commented offhandedly when both Exorcists were in the canteen having their meals. The subject of their concern was currently chatting with a group of Finders by another table, all smiles and laughter as the usually solemn atmosphere seemed to lighten just by her presence.

Kanda rolled his eyes at the redhead's statement as he continued eating his soba. Within such a military based organization, Exorcists tend not to mix with the Finders, for various reasons that differ from person to person. For example, he felt that they were not worthy of his time. While for Lavi, Kanda interpreted, it would probably be due to the fact that he was a Bookman, civilians, generally, does not interest him. And other reasons could be the short lifespan of the Finders.

"You know... She is not within my usual preference of females, but that smile certainly grows on you. Don't you agree, Yuu?"

"Don't call me by my first name," Kanda snapped, placing his chopsticks over his cleaned dish. A successor to the Bookman title he was, Lavi trained himself to be able to read others. Most people in the Dark Order were like an opened book to him, except for the two very different Exorcists that he came to befriend. One was impassive, with the strength he trained himself to achieve. He never allowed anyone to see through him, surviving on his own through his different means that he had uncovered. While the other was never relaxed, she lived with a mask; she was like him. She formed a barrier, so tough, that she never allowed anyone in. Lavi recognized the look in Kanda's eyes, he used to think of it as the swordsman's concern for someone he recognized as a partner, when Lavi would always find Kanda looking for Guren whenever she was away from his side; it was done unconsciously.

But now... Lavi looked towards Kanda who worn a frown on his face, a different one from the times when he was annoyed. Lavi knew this look. Kanda was becoming possessive of their little Exorcist. Indeed, she was cute and all, even Lavi would be charmed. But she was dangerous, a warning given by the old man. Lavi had never let his guard down with the girl and he wondered if Kanda had done so. Kanda was never comfortable with relationships, the only one close to Kanda was probably Lenalee Lee who grew up with the usually stoic young man.

A frown came upon his own face as he thought about the mysterious whitehead. He had wanted to crack the riddle, but he felt like a stranger to Guren, not that the girl would allow him in after their previous engagement at the library several days ago. And he was certainly blocked by this mighty wall known as Kanda Yuu. The previously passive swordsman was now the acting guardian of Guren.

How was he going to investigate about her past?

Guren sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the full moon that hung high on this quiet night. There was no noise, no crickets, it was just her, just her alone. She inhaled slowly, fingers clenched as her mind refused to shut down even for a minute. Her sleepless nights were becoming a routine. It haunts her, whenever she closes her eyes. The darkness that veiled her often throws her back into the past, back into reality. She swore, swore that she would become stronger. But how long could she continue without an ounce of hope in her?

A future belonging to her didn't exist.

It used to, but she had destroyed it.

White hair fluttered onto the bed sheets when she fell back in defeat. Her eyes were shut tightly, trying hard to push back the tears. She can't cry now. She promised herself that she was going to leave the cage, to escape from her fate. But why was she so stubborn? Why the hell does she keep on looking back?

It was all in the past now.

Tyki.

She swallowed, remembering the fiery golden eyes that threatened her life. His words were spiteful; his touch was like fire, searing her skin when he tried strangled her that night. But he was like a drug; she couldn't get enough of him, just once was enough to intoxicate her. More. She wanted more of him. Fingers, frozen by the wind blowing through the window, reached around her neck as she imagined his touch.

Like roses,
your words prick me like thorns
As if you were a tattoo,
you make it so hard to erase you

Just one more time.

Just once.

She wanted to feel him again.

Instead of a sob, she let out a piercing scream. All her anger, her frustration, the unjust she felt, she wanted to be freed of them.

Stop it.

Stop reminding me of him.

She barely registered the loud banging of the door as she felt someone holding her close. His voice was anxious, calling her name over and over again. But all she could feel was her pain, their pain and their loss. How could she stand having torn away a part of herself? Her scream was muffled in his chest, as warm hands gripped the back of her night dress.

"Please, I want to go home. I want to return to him. This Innocence, this war, why do I have to be part of it?"

Little love letters written in red
Folded up, put away next to the bed, oh
Little crushed hopes every day
Waiting in the wings to spirit her away

Kanda held her close; his hands were stiff, not knowing how to handle the wailing girl. She was so fragile that he didn't dare to touch her directly. His fingers closed around the fabric of her dress as he tried to hush her screaming. He had heard her frantic cry that he rushed over immediately, she was gripping the scar on her shoulder so tightly, he had to force her fingers away from the bleeding injury.

"Guren, calm down," he repeated as she kept on screaming. There were no tears; it was just the rawest form of her emotions. He had never expected Guren to break like this. He knew she was delicate; someone who acts on her emotions more than necessary, but it pained him to know how truly easily she broke. Although she put up a facade, but months with his partner, he watched how the smile fell from her face whenever she was alone.

He was strong. But he wasn't strong enough to bring happiness to her. He was just plain Kanda, the soldier created by the Black Order. He didn't smile, nor did he care. But this girl, she made him weak. She brought out feelings in him, it was different from the feelings he had for his old friend, or for Her, Guren had made him so human.

"This is your home now," he tried reasoning with her, a futile attempt; his mind was hardly focusing from her struggling, "You have Lenalee, that Finder, Lavi... And me."

"No."

"What?"

"My home is where he is."

"Who are you talking about?"

"Tyki, the Noah of Pleasure. The only one who will love me."

"Wake up," Guren heard a child's voice as she opened her eyes. She looked around her, there was no child, but furnishing of sugary love and soft cushions filled the room. She sat up from the pink cushion as she saw a pair of familiar red eyes staring at her from the reflection of the mirror mounted on the wall. The child that had brought her here, she looked around the age of Allen when they first met; Pitch black hair, ghostly pale skin, a pair of red eyes and the stigmas that scarred her skin. Guren swallowed, as she reached her fingers to the surface, shadowed by the child within the mirror but the child neither smiled nor made any change in her stoic expression.

"You are different from before. She was Noah. Who are you?"

"Who are you?" The child echoed her words, the pair of eyes she was so used to, suddenly became so foreign and frightening, as they bore into her.

"I am Guren, an Exorcist."

"Is that what you truly are?"

"That is what I chose to be."

"Are you going to be abandoning me then?"

"Do you want to come with me?"

"No one wants me, not even you, Hebe."

"I am not Hebe, my name is Guren. And I would love to be your friend."

"You lie! You are a dirty liar like everyone else," the child screamed as the mirror cracked into pieces. The shattered pieces scattered on the cushions but Guren could still see the child in the reflection, her red eyes glowing like a demon as Guren drew back in fear. "You promised that we would always be together, but you let him kill me! And now, you are going to forget me too, Hebe!"

"What are you saying? I do not know you! And why am I called Hebe? Aren't I just Khaos?"

"No, you are not Khaos. You are Hebe. I know you, I lived and died for you!" The child was so angry as she wailed and caused more of the displays to be damaged. Guren was backed against the wall, wary of the wrath of the child. The black haired child crawled out from a larger glass, her previously passive face was twisted in rage as she grabbed onto Guren's ankle, causing her to scream and trashed about in fear.

Your voice pierces through the pitch-black darkness
It reaches my ear that has been poisoned through the years
I waited like so, and the voice I had been waiting for
Has killed and saved me once more

Small hands reached towards her face as she closed her eyes, trying to shut out the impending horror, but instead, she was greeted with a warm hug, with the wetness of the child's tears on her shoulders. She was so afraid. She didn't know how to react to the child that clung to her so desperately. Why did the child die for her? What was it that she couldn't remember?

Why has the Innocence taken away her memories?

"I beg you, don't leave me."

Why?

"I don't want you to be alone. It hurts when you cry."

"Not only me, Hera hurts too, we all do."

"Please, come back to me."

"Are you alright?" He heard her anxious voice, the first that sounded the moment the team stepped off from the boat. It was a rather tiring trip, they were attacked constantly, with no time for rest and it was only him and Lavi. Kanda looked at Guren whom descended from the flight of stairs quickly; she looked more shaken than the people who were previously on the merciless battlefield. Knowing her, she must have wanted to join them, but her request was definitely rejected. She was their prized Exorcist after all, the one that could go against the will of God. Her white strands fell from the messy bun as she put her arm behind Lavi, helping the man out of the boat. Lavi had suffered quite a bit of damage, a broken leg and ribs, although he did too, at some point, but he was Kanda Yuu, he wasn't going to depend on crutches.

Lavi was then placed on a stretcher as the nurses quickly moved him to the sick bay. Kanda stood around, waiting for the crowd to disperse, he had claimed that he didn't need any treatment, which was true, his body was almost healed completely. He watched her back, as she was seeing off Lavi, saying that she would visit him soon. The girl finally turned around as her red eyes flickered from his face to his arm quickly, "I was told you fractured your arm." He let out an annoyed 'tch' at her comment as he walked on, the girl trailing behind him quietly.

He was second. She was only concerned with Lavi, and had forgotten all about him. He sometimes wondered if this girl's brain was made of cotton candy, she was just so airheaded and clueless. The thought only made him angrier as he let out a disapproving sound again, causing the petite Guren to flinch, not understanding his anger. Kanda glanced at her from the corner of his eyes, recalling the night he held her fragile self close to him. He had left her only after he cleaned her self-inflicted injury; she had fallen asleep hours into her attack, tired from the screaming as she held onto his shirt so tightly.

Thought I could just walk away
That you might be a passing flame
I told myself I wouldn't care
If you weren't there
But I'm in love with you

Even if that incident was etched so deeply into Kanda, this stupid woman was entirely ignorant of it. It was either she truly could not recall because of the mental stress, or she was deliberately doing it. Although he believed that she wouldn't dare to do the latter. The dark circles beneath her eyes were a clear contrast to her pale skin, and the smile was on her face was fading as more time passed. She looked so brittle, not like the stubborn young woman he met months ago.

"Have you been sleeping at all?"

"Um. Yes, I sleep a lot," she smiled weakly at his question, but refused to look at him.

'Liar.'

This was not her home.

Those were the words she said. Was it taking such a toll on her, the fact that she was away from her lover? But hadn't they parted already, when she first came to the Headquarters. Every single thing with her was just unclear and so complicated. This time, he sighed, stopping in his tracks as Guren bumped into him. "I am going to meditate."

"Oh. Okay," her fingers entwined together awkwardly, "Hmm, see you later then."

Guren watch as Kanda shook his head once in annoyance and stalked off. She swallowed her nervousness and leaned against the brick wall. This was really hard. Kanda was definitely angry with her now. She covered her blushing face with her hands as she remembered that night. Kanda had practically crushed her into his chest, and he was so gentle, unlike the usually foul-mood Kanda. She was very embarrassed by her own behaviour, her panic attack, that she remembered she was hitting him with her fist but he still refused to release her. Her embarrassment was one thing but...

How could she let out her secret so carelessly?

She was afraid of Kanda's reaction. What would he do if he knew about her past with the Black Order's enemies?

Crimson eyes were closed to the world as she lay on the grass patch, under the cool shade of the tree as she revelled in the warmth of the sun against her skin. The days of peace were short in this occupation, and her life was basically imprisonment. She had no free will; she was governed by the Vatican, to ensure that their asset would not be harmed in the war, leading to her days of being constantly watched and contained within the impregnability of the fortress. She had returned from a mission just last night, but the young woman found sleep an impediment so she decided to just laze around, busking in the first rays of the sun.

She was fortunate to be cleaned of injuries, but with the price of hearing the complaints of her dark haired partner. He had taken it upon himself to keep her out of harm's way, as he stated it as "to lessen my burden," but Guren understood that it was Kanda's method of being concerned for her. She had to swallow her laughter that was bubbling up her throat when she remembered the incident that happened yesterday. It seems that Kanda was a little wary of her strength after all. He was uncomfortable when Guren walked behind her, as if afraid that she was going to attack him. She was hardly that unreasonable; she must have wounded his pride a little. Another incident was how Kanda stiffened every single time he encountered the Finder that was involved in their squabble. Both were proud men, but not mindless, as the hostility from before was replaced with simple and curt greetings.

If only she could solved all her problems with reasoning...

He was the one whom took reasoning away from her, plunging her into the depths of her madness and the endless need for him like the oxygen she inhaled. Seasons passed, and yet, the yearning for that man still haunted her, shadowing her in her dreams and confinement. But it wasn't his doing... She was the one who couldn't let go.

Every time I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you

This solitary scared her. She had told herself time and time again that everything was going to be alright. She was not fighting alone. She was a member of the Black Order; this was her home and family. And Kanda had kindly reassured her as well, countless times, like a mantra.

But the emotions that tore her told a different story. She couldn't do anything without help. She was lost without him.

Tyki.

The Noah of Pleasure had been by her side since her time began, how could she survive in a life without him? How could she simply live? Every single time, during her worst and fallen state, he would always be there, to reach out for her. But now, even if she screamed for him, all that she would receive was probably a spiteful snarl, the cost of her betrayal. She glared at the blinding sun, as she felt her tears forming from the sorrows of her heart before she brought darkness to her eyes again.

How cruel.

How cruel of her to betray her lover?

How cruel of her to allow him to suffer?

She was evil.

She existed to bring fear; she was the Noah of Void, which was her purpose. And she brought fear to everyone around her, including herself.

What would happen to her should the Noah that sleeps deep within her awakens?

She was afraid.

That child knew.

That child knew that she would be alone. She had lost her lover, her family, and that the things she held precious now would definitely leave her in the future.

She had become so weak.

"Hey," Guren heard a voice as she opened her eyes, allowing the remaining tears to flow down her cheeks. She could only see the outline of his face beneath the glaring of the sun, as she forced a weak smile weak on her joyless face for the person whom had dispelled the burden in her mind. She reached her fingers to his hair, his cheekbone, and his jaw, leaving feathery light touches as though afraid that the person before her would disappear.

"Thank you for not being just another fragment of my memories."

If I lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

Kanda had seen the girl lying on the grass patch from the meditation room. He tried to empty his thoughts but they just kept on returning to the whitehead. It was as if she had some sort of magnetic pull on him, that he would always find himself searching for her no matter what he was doing. But it was getting worst. Just the sight of her used to be able to set his mind at peace, but now, it was hardly enough. He needed to see her, speak to her and be near her. He would wonder about her whereabouts, worry about her safety, and in the next moment, his feet would start moving in search for her, regardless if his will.

And today was the same.

The girl was completely oblivious to his arrival as her eyes remained closed to reality. He continued watching her, settling down beside her petite self, not understanding the feelings he felt beneath his skin. The anxiety, desire and everything else, no longer matter the second he was next to her, as if he found tranquillity through his meditation. But his previously calmed mind was quickly disturbed by the tears she was crying out. He could only stare. Things he hated were uncountable, and it definitely included the situation now. He was so used to getting his way through the use of volume or harsh words, but when the silently weeping Guren was presented before him, it was impossible for him to revert to his heartless ways.

He had only seen her cry at her frustration, once due to him, and others because of her weakness. She had been doing fine during their mission, that it wouldn't incur tears, so why? She did not even shed a single tear throughout that forgotten night as well.

Kanda bent over her, blocking the sun from her face as he called for her softly, dropping all pretence of his harshness, leaving only the specks of worry evident in his voice and eyes. He felt rage boiling from within, when he met with the sorrowful eyes of his partner. It was Him again, the one man that would affect her so much. Why couldn't she just stop thinking about the one that would bring her pain? He was right before her eyes, why couldn't she just understand that part of her past was only worth so much, not for her to cry over it recurrently.

You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Just look at me for once.

He froze when he felt her touching his face, it was gentle, and lingering; not the sort of touch you would give to a colleague. But he didn't recoil from her touch, he accepted the feeling of her skin, her temperature and the fragile expression she wore, like she would be broken if he were to move away from her finger. It was mild, the warmth from her touch, but it was much more, the warmth that invaded his wintry heart. What was she doing to him?

And she whispered those words.

She needs him.

And he... What did he want with her?

Author's Rant:

Reviews will be appreciated and constructive criticism will be great (: Reviews gives me firepower to put in more effort into my stories. It's a really long-overdued chapter, hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for the past reviews and the long wait, love you guys. And yes, it's finally moving into a more romantic relationship for the two that have stopped bickering. Next chapter, although I have no idea when, will open with our handsome Tyki Mikk!