A/N: Sorry it's taken so long for an update. I hit a snag with chapter 15 (I stay 2 ahead with this story) but I figured it out. Jeff was losing his mind and Adam...well he was scaring me. Anyway, enjoy!

Scratch the Surface - Chapter 13

I've been so busy the last couple of days that I haven't been home much. Judging from the dishes in the sink, I'd say that Adam hasn't been here either. He's notoriously neat. Like nothing is ever out of place, neat. I'm not really a slob, but I'm nowhere as neat as he is. He never complains about the small messes I leave around the house, though. Well, with the exception of my piss in the bathroom, he doesn't. His neat thing is just one of his little quirks that I live with. God knows he puts up with enough of mine.

I don't know why it's bothering me that there are dishes in the sink. If I were home for a few days there probably wouldn't be a clean dish left in the house. There's only one bowl, a fork, and a glass in there and for some reason it's driving me crazy. Adam cleans up the messes.

Maybe I'm foreshadowing, but it just feels like things are changing.

That shrink I had once told me that I live in a projecting state. Like I'm always transferring the way I feel onto other people. Yeah. She didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. If what she said was true, then I would be projecting thoughts around this place that would have me as happy as a pig in shit. See, I want to share with him Adam how happy I am. But I know if I tell him that for the last three days I've been staying in Kelly's dorm room looking at bridal magazines, hearing her girly dreams about this big fairytale wedding, complete with a castle and a mote, that he'd laugh his ass off. And not in a good way.

In all honesty, I can't help but to giggle each time I think about the way her face lit up when she explained to me how handsome I would look in a tunic and tights. And the groomsmen raising swords for us to walk under? I didn't want to disappoint her, so I let her have that fantasy. But there won't be any castles, no swords and no groomsmen.

No groomsmen. Besides Adam I don't have anybody to invite. I guess I could invite my brother, Mathew, but I don't think he'd come. Or maybe this friend I had once named Shannon. Only he won't show. He stopped speaking to me years ago. Then there's my dad. Adam would call me delusional if I told him I hoped my father would be there. If Adam doesn't completely write me off, it'll only be him and he'd look pretty fucking stupid holding a sword by himself.

Instead of thinking about how pathetic my side of the church is going to be, I might as well numb my mind with television. Since Adam's not home, why not indulge in the local news? He would have a fucking fit if he knew I was watching it. He had a fit when I told him I was going out with Kelly the other night and an even bigger one when I called to tell him I was staying at her place. He still doesn't think I'm ready to be social yet; he's still worried about me from the last time I left the house, but I don't think that's the whole truth. I use to black out all the time and it never bothered him this much.

Forshadowing my ass. Things are definitely changing.

Where's the bitch? Over the past week, I've grown in an adversarial relationship with that fucking reporter bitch, Lillian, that likes to dump on us. It doesn't make sense, but if I can just keep my eye on her, hear first hand what lies she's spreading, that I have some control over the situation.

As strange as it sounds, over the past week, knowing what she knows about us has been almost settling for me. But she's not on today. Where the fuck is she? Is she combing the streets making up more lies? Is she retracing our steps and writing a story to put our entire lives on display for the public? Little does she know, I've stopped. I can't wait to see her pinched face when she has nothing else to lie about. Fucking bitch.

I hate that bitch more when she's not on then when she is. And the fact that I don't know where she is, is making me nervous.

Turning my head toward the sound of the steps, I see Adam emerging from the basement. "Long time, no see." He smiles brightly before walking to me and bending over to kiss me on the head. "How are you feeling?"

I never take my eyes off of him as he rounds the couch to sit beside me. "Good. Tired, but good." He looks genuinely happy to see me. I feel myself smile as I reach across the couch to wipe away a smudge of dirt from his cheek. "What have you been into?"

He moves his head away from my hand before capturing it in his own. "You know. This and that. Gotta new project I'm working on." When Adam's being vague, I tend not to question why. He never gets himself into more than he can handle. We share our lives, but the manner in which we share is completely different. I am an open book to him, mainly because I can't seem to control my emotions. He shares with me by being supportive. It's not that I don't care what he's got going on; it's just, Adam doesn't need help. He tells me what I need to know and works the rest out on his own. "How's the pixie?"

There it is, the question about Kelly. I knew it was only a matter of time before we got to that conversation, only I was hoping it would be later. I want to tell him. He's my everything. I don't keep secrets from him and sure as fuck can't lie to him. But on the same token, I don't ever want to hurt him. "Good." That's not what I want to say, but it's all that will come out until I can think of how to phrase it.

"Just good? What no animated hearts floating above your head when you talk about her? Where's the sparkles and glitter and fairy dust? She's losing her touch." He's being sarcastic. That always happens when he talks about Kelly. I hate this. He must sense my mood changing because he lifts my hand to his lips and kisses my open palm. "What's wrong, baby?"

I haven't been this afraid to tell him something since that time I told him about my hobby. That was biggest leap of faith I ever took. This is nowhere near the same magnitude, but fuck if I'm not just as afraid.

I hadn't known him but a few months, yet somehow it felt right. Adam was different than anyone I had ever met before. He didn't judge me or ask me a lot of questions; he just let me crash on his couch after meeting in that bar. All he knew was I was in a funk that I couldn't get out of and not once did he make fun of me for it.

Those first couple of nights, he would come out of his bedroom and sit on the couch pulling my head to his lap. He would stroke my hair, silently, lovingly, letting me cry without prying. I don't know what made me tell him. I guess I just couldn't keep it in any longer. Those warm hazel eyes desperate to hear what was making me unhappy, the gentle sound of his breathing. I was scared but I trusted him. I swear I felt then just like I feel right now.

It just didn't seem that hard then. I had to tell somebody. Sweaty palms and a heartbeat I couldn't control and all, someone had to see me before I completely disappeared. So I told him. I told him about the hunger and how crazy it made me feel. I told him how I like to hurt them, restrain them, feel them fight against me. I tired to explain the tears and how they excited me. The punching and scratching, biting and resisting… the guilt, the pain, the endless crying and apologizing over them as they lay bloody and unconscious. I never meant to hurt any of them I just needed them to make me feel normal again. And it had worked for awhile.

And then I met her.

She was supposed to be like the rest of them, but no matter what I did, it wasn't enough. She loved it more than I did. I wasn't strong enough to break her and when I stopped, she begged for more. She needed it more than me. She was sick, all the things she asked me to do. And what was more sick was I couldn't do them. But she finally stopped asking when used the broken bottle. I don't know why I did it. Nothing I was doing on my own would hurt her enough. I didn't think it would kill her. But there was so much blood. I mutilated that woman to settle something within myself.

He listened silently as I recounted how I lost control and killed her so that I didn't have to hear her call me a failure. He understood that that's what led me to that bar that night. The one thing I knew made me feel powerful she had taken away from me so I ended her life. And that I would rather kill myself then to live knowing that I was weak. I can't believe I told him that. I never told anyone that much about myself.

I just knew that Adam would tell me to get the hell out of his house. But he didn't. He held me tight and soothed my tears. He told me he understood. Then he told me about the things that haunt him.

I felt like we connected when he explained the way the screams help him sleep at night. I understood what he meant by the smell of fear being sweeter than any perfume. It felt like he was reading my diary. I totally got how his hunger was so unbearable that he felt like he was losing his mind. I knew the feeling of ants crawling in my blood; it was just like that for him.

I had finally found someone that understood me. I had met the one person in the world that didn't think I was a freak. My insecurities, my awkwardness, my past time…nothing seemed to deter him from being there for me. If anything, I think it brought us closer.

Adam took me under his wing, got me a job with him, bought us this house and built a life for us to share. Adam taught me how to take pride and pleasure in what it is that we do. He showed me how to be me and make what is mine into an art form. Adam helped he accept love and know that I am worthy of it…even if I don't have my shit together. He proved to me time and time again that nothing I do is enough to make him leave me.

So why the fuck am I petrified to tell him about Kelly?

I take a deep breath and fix my eyes on the couch cushion between us. "I'm getting married." Slowly my eyes raise to meet his face and I blink back the shear terror that runs through me. If I could just read his expression I would feel more at ease. But for now he's just sitting there with a blank expression. "I – I proposed to her. S-She said yes." I try to sound relieved but I know it comes across that I'm unsure. I'm not unsure about Kelly. I'm unsure about Adam's silence to my admission.

Nothing. He says absolutely nothing. He's completely still and only his eyes blinking periodically lets me know that he's still paying attention. He never lets my hand go nor does he increase his grip to show his anger. Sometimes I hate how aloof he can be.

"Adam. This is what I want. I want a normal life. This thing that we do ain't normal. I use to think it was, but it's not. I mean sure, other people do it. The papers are full of a hundred stories of people that do what we do. But most people don't go around partying as hard or as often." I stand from the couch and start to pace in front of the television. His eyes follow me back and forth, but the look on his face never changes. "We can't do this forever. I just want a chance. Please, Adam?" I don't know why I'm crying. He hasn't said anything, but his silence is even worse than him yelling. I just want him to talk to me. "Say something."

He closes his eyes and folds his hands neatly in his lap. It takes a second for him to formulate the words. When he's ready and his eyes open, he turns his body to face me and he lowers his head with an eerily calm glare. "What would you like me to say?"

"Something. Anything. Let me know you're okay with it. Tell me you still love me and that you'll never leave me." Adam's approval means to me than even I understand. But I know he won't approve of this. "Tell me that you're still proud of me."

He shakes his head sadly and his eyes soften. I don't want him to react to my reaction but I know that's what he's doing. Just once, I want Adam to tell me how he feels without treating me like I make break. "Jeff."

Maybe if I can convince him enough, he'll be straight with me. I'm going to get married. I have to learn how to stand on my own feet if I'm going to be able to carry Kelly for the rest of our lives. I can take it. I can take whatever he says. But he has to know how I feel. "She makes me happy, Adam. I love her."

A cool smile spreads across his face before a throaty laugh escapes him. I don't like it when people laugh at me. Especially not Adam. "Please, don't laugh at me, Adam."

"I'm not laughing at you, Jeff. I'm laughing at the absurdity of the situation." He stands slowly and runs his fingers through his hair. Even now he's so fluid. Nothing in his body language shows how he feels. But the smooth tone of his voice alerts me that he's less than happy. "I'm not going to give you permission, if that's what you're looking for. You think this is what you want, but it's not." He stands in front of me and places a kiss on my forehead. "I've taught you everything you need to know. I have shown you the beauty of who and what you are. But the one thing I can't do is make you accept it. So if that pixie bitch is what will keep you entertained for awhile, then by all means. And when the feeling overwhelms you and you know what it is that you really need, I'll be right here waiting for you."

I would rather he yell at me then to use that disappointed tone of voice. I wish I could take back the last three days and have just kept that damn ring in my pocket. But I want this. I deserve it. I've been fighting this thing in me since I was seventeen years old. Isn't it time for it to stop controlling me? Isn't it time for me to be happy. "It's not like that, Adam."

"Then why are you crying?" He leans down to whisper in my ear and I feel my heart break at his words. "If you were sure, you have told me and not felt the need to defend it."

I sniffle back the emotion that's taking me at the moment. I feel dizzy and nauseous, but I'm not letting that give me an excuse not to deal with the events of my life. I will not black out. I will deal with discomfort and not second guess my actions.

I am sure. I'm sure that I don't want lose him but that I want a normal life. "I'm done." My lips move to say the words but no sound comes from my mouth. I want him to understand that I mean it when I say it, but I just haven't found the strength yet.

"Okay." He says it with a smile and I know he doesn't believe me.

"I mean it." I find my voice and raise my eyes to finally meet his. I'm not backing down. Not this time. "I'm not doing it anymore."

With a shrug Adam turns away from and heads to the stairs. "You say that now. You might even think that you believe it. But you can't escape it."

I watch him walk up the stairs and I find myself at the foot of them, scared to death. "Just don't stop loving me. Please?"

He turns to me and I swear I see tears in his eyes. "I'll never stop loving you, Jeff. I just don't support you in this one. You can have all the dreams you want, baby. But you can never stop being who you are."

Adam's usually right about everything. I just pray to God that he's not about this.