I own no one but my own people
A/N I had a 618 word long rant lined up to start off this chapter in regards to two reviews left by an anonymous reviewer, but then I thought 'my readers don't wanna read that. They want the story they've come to know and love and not read about stupid drama that has nothing to do with them. ESPECIALLY with only three chapters left in the saga.' That being said; I thank those who defended me, I hope you enjoy (AND REVIEW!) the chapter and I'm SO sorry for the long update wait and I hope it makes up for the wait. Again, please enjoy :)
October 20th, Sacred Heart Hospital, Albany, 11:43 PM
Olivia swallowed whatever fear was inside her as she walked towards the dimly lit cafeteria, her eyes flooded with tears.
As she neared the vast room she noticed it was abandoned save for one worker sitting behind the register reading a glossy covered trashy celebrity magazine, two doctors sitting across from one another sharing a salad and talking softly to one another, and Lily who was sitting at one of the far corner booths with an empty tray and plate in front of her playing with a loose thread on her top. Her head was bowed and Olivia saw dried tears in streaks down her cheeks.
Olivia took a deep breath and her eyes closed, willing herself to be strong for her daughter. The advice she had given herself on the elevator ride down, 'pretend it's just another murder victim's child', had been thrown out the window the moment she laid eyes on her.
She cleared her throat before she opened the glass door and walked in. Lily and the cashier looked up as Olivia walked in and while the cashier went back to her magazine, Lily got up from the chair and hurried over to the detective.
Olivia embraced her tightly when Lily threw her arms around her and rested her head against her chest.
Lily's voice cracked as the words left her. "Mama, what's going on? No one will tell me anything!"
She sighed as she pulled away from the embrace and with all of her might she forced a smile on her lips. "Why don't we go someplace private, alright? Come on."
With her arm wrapped around her shoulder the duo walked out of the cafeteria and Olivia led her around the corner where there was no one around but the two of them.
"What's wrong, Mama?" asked Lily. "What's wrong with Grandma?"
Olivia took another deep breath as she kneeled down until she was eye level with her daughter. "Lily, your grandma had a heart attack."
Lily's eyes widened and her mouth fell open. "Is she okay?"
Olivia swallowed hard before she continued. "There wasn't a lot the doctors could do for her. I'm so sorry, Lily. "
Olivia watched as Lily's eyes widened and tears almost immediately flooded her honey brown eyes. "No…"
"She was old, honey. It was just her time to go," said Olivia softly.
Lily let out a sob and threw her arms around Olivia and cried on her shoulder. Olivia hugged her back and gently stroked the light brown hair. "It's alright, baby. Everything's gonna be alright."
"I didn't even get to say goodbye!"
"I know, sweetie. It's okay."
Lily sobbed and clung to her tighter and Olivia struggled and failed to conceal her own sobs. "No it's not! Yo- you and mom are getting a- a divorce, Grandma's gone, an- and everyone kno- knows what a psycho freak I am thanks to tha- that stupid reporter! It's never gonna be okay!"
Olivia narrowed her eyes in confusion. "Baby, what are you talking about? What reporter?"
"Som- some reporter came to th- the hotel and h- he knew I cut myself and tha- that I was in a psych ward. He grabbed my wrist to get a picture a- and mom hit him when he tried to pull me towards him."
Olivia saw red as she pulled away from the embrace and stared with a furious glare at her. "A grown man grabbed you by the wrist and tried to pull you away from your mom?"
Lily nodded and Olivia's hands balled into shaking fists. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths that did absolutely nothing to calm her down.
"Mama, what's-."
"What was his name?" she demanded.
"Jeff Zeters I think. No it was Zesters."
"Did he say who he worked for?"
"The New York Enquirer."
"Good. Wait here…"
Without a single glance back towards Lily Olivia got out her phone and walked away until she was out of eye and ear sight of her daughter.
Her hands were shaking so bad she had to enter the number in three times before she got it right and put it to her ear.
"We don't give out names of confidential sources," the dry voice answered.
"Charlie, not only did one of your so call reporters release the medical records of a minor without her consent," she snarled, "but another one of your reports grabbed that same miner by the wrist and pulled her towards him. That sounds like assault and attempted kidnapping to me."
"Zesters is being dealt with," Charlie Haskins, former crime reporter turned editor for the New York Enquirer, told her. "We got a hold of the tape and gave it to CNN who's gonna start running it as soon as it's verified and you should be lucky we got it when we did because he was in the process of editing it to make it look like Alex was the bad guy."
"Were the cops called?"
"No. He's claiming it was an accidental touch."
"He grabbed her by her wrist and pulled her towards him! How the hell is that accidental?" Olivia shouted before she quickly lowered her voice. "If you don't call the cops, I will. And then I will sue your paper and you."
"What the hell for?"
"For not contacting the police when you have video evidence that a crime was committed against my daughter."
A heavy sigh mixed with a groan escaped him. "Fine, I'll call the damn cops."
"Good. Now, who released my daughter's medical records?"
"Can't tell you that."
"Haskins!"
"It's a confidential source, Olivia!" he shouted into the phone. "That's what confidential' means! You don't know who it is!"
"I don't need a dictionary entry, I need a damn name! Just like YOU needed a good angle on the West End rapist and me and my squad fully cooperated with you!"
"And I thank you for that, but I can't and won't give you a name. I'm sorry."
"No you're not. But you will be once Alex finds out you won't give up the name!" she threatened. "Do you know how many higher ups she knows? And how many she will know once she's senator?"
"You do realize this conversation isn't off the record and I could report that you used your wife's political influence to try intimidate me."
"I honestly could care less about her reputation, just give me a name!"
"Look I'm gonna tell you the same time I told Alex when she called and said pretty much the same thing… I am not giving up the source. Good night."
A tiny beep signified that he had hung up and Olivia narrowed her eyes dangerously as she quickly looked up the number for the hospital that Lily had been admitted to just days earlier.
When she found it she quickly stored the number in her memory and dialed the number. Olivia waded through the various automatic instructions before she finally reached the ward she was looking for
"St Eves Emergency Room, Psychiatric Care Unit, this is Mary Lewis speaking," the bored female voice of the receptionist answered.
"This is Detective Olivia Benson," she greeted harshly, "Manhattan SVU, badge number 4051. I wanna know what idiot released Lillian Benson's medical records to the press without her and her parents' consent."
"Detective, I have no idea who leaked it to the press. Probably her parent who signed for them."
Olivia bit her lip in an attempt to hold back tears. How the hell could Alex have done this to their daughter? "Well is one parent's signature enough because I sure as hell didn't sign ANY form saying release her records."
"Yes. All we needed was one parent and I have her father's signature right here."
Olivia narrowed her eyes in confusion and her mouth parted in astonishment. "Lily… Lily doesn't HAVE a father."
"Just because he's not in her life doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to sign out her forms."
"No, you're not hearing me. She was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor we picked out of a catalog. Me and my wife have no clue what so ever who her quote on quote father is."
"He didn't tell me he was a sperm donor, mam. All he said was that he was Lillian's father and wanted to see what was wrong with his daughter since her mother wouldn't tell him."
"But her mother never received any kind of call or whatever asking..." Olivia ran a worried hand through her hair. She quickly looked around the corner to where she had left Lily and she let out a breath of relief when she saw her sitting up against the wall with her knees to her chest and silent tears making their way down her face.
"Look, what the hell was the name on the sign out sheet?" Olivia demanded as she walked back out of ear shot of Lily.
"Chris Winters."
The fury that had erupted in her minutes before when Lily told her about being grabbed by Zesters seemed mild compared to the anger raging inside of her. She was going to kill him…
"You… you said Chris Winters right?"
"Yeah. Brown hair, green eyes, cute, looked in his late forties, early fifties. Isn't… isn't he Lily's father?"
"No! He's a skeeving, conniving rat that's not even related to her in ANY shape or form!"
The tone of the receptionist changed dramatically. What was once a bored slightly annoyed voice transformed into a frantic worried character. "I'm so sorry, mama, I didn't know! He said he was Lily's father he even described her!"
"So you just go around giving medical records to whoever wants them?"
"He had a picture of the blonde woman that was here all the time and the girl together and he knew her date of birth."
"He was my wife's campaign manager and she gave him that picture to use in a commercial!"
"Please don't sue me!" the incompetent woman pleaded, "It was an honest mistake!"
"Because of your 'honest mistake', everyone in New York State knows that my thirteen year old daughter tried to commit suicide!"
Olivia rolled her eyes as she heard the woman on the other end begin to sob. "I'm sorry! I didn't know he would do that! I, I can call the cops! Get him arrested for fraud!"
No," Olivia growled, "don't call him, don't notify him, don't do anything; I'll handle it. You've already done enough damage."
Without wasting another precious moment that could be used beating Chris Olivia hung up the phone.
The brown haired detective took several deep breaths before she dialed the unfortunately familiar number.
After three rings he picked up. "What the hell do you want, Benson?"
"Nothing," she lied as she forced her sweetest voice to the forefront of her mind. "But Alex wants something."
"What and why couldn't she have called me herself?"
"She wanted to apologize for firing you and she's too embarrassed to call you herself so she had me do it."
"Really?" Olivia was disgusted at the sound of the lust in his voice. "Does she wanna see me?"
"Yeah. She wants to make it up to you… in person. She's at St Eve's hospital in Albany. She told me to tell you to meet her by the cafeteria."
"I'll be there in ten minutes," he told her, not even lingering on the fact that Alex was in a hospital.
"She'll be waiting for you then. Bye, Chris."
"See ya, Benson. And no hard feelings. The better man always wins," he said with a chuckle before he hung up the phone.
Olivia glowered at the phone before she threw it angrily into her purse. "Prick," she grumbled as she stormed back over to where her daughter was.
Lily looked up from the ground and hastily wiped the tears away with the back of her sleeve.
Olivia gave her a weak smile before she went over and sat down next to her, taking her in her arms and resting her head on Lily's as the young girl rested her head Olivia's shoulder. "I love you so much, Lily," Olivia sighed.
"I love you too," Lily muttered as she snuggled closer to Olivia. "I don't want you to ever leave."
Olivia bit her lip as she looked down at the person who meant the world to her. Several moments of silence passed before Olivia spoke. "I won't, baby, I promise."
"I wanna live with you," said Lily. "When you and mom get divorced I want you to have custody of me."
Olivia sighed and forced the joy she felt rise in her down. "Baby, your mom loves you."
"Not as much as you."
"Don't say that, Lily, you know that's not true," Olivia scolded softly.
"No you don't."
Olivia let out a groan and ran a hand through her hair. "Lily, I'm not gonna say you can't live with me, but… but it would make me feel better knowing that people who loved your mom was around her and supporting her right now and I know it would make her feel better if you were with her, at least for right now. She needs you, Lily."
"And I need a mom."
They both heard a familiar sob and both turned towards the corner. Alex was standing there, her hand over her mouth while fresh tears were making their way down her already tear streaked face.
"Alex-," Olivia began but without another word Alex turned and walked away.
Olivia bit her trembling lip and swallowed the painful lump in her throat as she turned back to a stunned Lily.
"I- I didn't know she was standing there!"
"I know, baby, its okay. Look, why don't we talk about this later, okay?"
Without another word spoken Olivia got up from her position on the ground and rushed around the corner.
She saw her walking away from the cafeteria and she sprinted to catch up to her. "Alex, wait!"
"Leave me alone, Olivia!" Her voice tried to convey anger but mixed in with the tears it only came out as sad and pathetic.
"Can we just talk about this?"
Olivia finally reached her and grabbed her shoulder and turned her around to face her, heartbroken at the tears that were in her eyes.
"I'm gonna tell Lily to live with you, at least until after the funeral," Olivia informed her.
"Why?" Alex spat. "So she can just be miserable that she's not with you? So that I can be reminded every day that our daughter loves you more than me?"
"Alex, you KNOW that's not true."
"Really? Because asking to live away from me really seems like it is and unless someone was putting the idea in her head, because this isn't the first time she's said it then-."
"Wait," Olivia interrupted, her own anger rising. "You think I planted the idea in her head?"
Alex sighed and rubbed her temples. "No… I know you'd never do that to me. I just… I don't know, Liv. She makes me feel like I failed as a mother and I failed both my children; not just Simon."
Olivia stared wide eyed at Alex who very rarely ever even wanted to talk about him much less say his name out loud.
After another moment Olivia took Alex's hand in her own, ignoring the sparks that seemed to shoot throughout her. "Alex, listen to me. You're not a failure as a mother because of what happened to our son or because of what Lily said. You're an amazing mother and everyone knows that. You've… you've just been distant lately and your focus really hasn't been on your family. It's natural that Lily wants to live with me because I've been there for her the most these last few months."
Alex swallowed hard and shook her head. "I can't… Olivia, I'm sorry, but I can't let you take my child away from me, even if it's what she wants."
"Lily is my child too," Olivia said with a bit of a snarl.
Alex raised a brow in confusion. "Who the hell said she wasn't?"
Olivia took a deep breath and shook her head. "Never mind. It's just… just something Elliot said earlier."
"What the hell did he say?" Alex demanded.
"He said I wasn't… he said I wasn't Lily's 'real' parent."
Alex shook her head in disbelief. "That little bastard… Don't you dare believe that bull shit, Liv."
"I don't," said Olivia sternly. "I know I'm just as much Lily's parent as you."
Olivia took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair. "Look, right now we're both tired; we're both emotional, we've both had a long day… Why don't… why don't you take Lily with you until after the funerals over and then afterwards we'll… we'll figure something out."
Alex nodded as more tears gathered in her eyes. "So… so you're really going through with this?"
Olivia opened her mouth and closed it several times before she swallowed hard. "Just go get Lily and go to your parent's place. Take a hot shower, get a hot meal, get some sleep and I'll call you later alright?"
Alex sniffed away her tears and nodded again before she walked past Olivia and towards Lily. Olivia followed and when they reached the young girl they watched with tears in her eyes as Alex walked over to Lily and bent down next to her and embraced her tightly and Olivia was relieved when Lily hugged her back just as tight and heard her say something that sounded an awful lot like 'I love you, mom.'
After a few moments Alex pulled away and began talking low to her, grabbing her hand and running her thumb over her hand. Lily looked over to where Olivia was standing and Olivia nodded, unable to hide the tears in her own eyes. Oh god, what the hell was she doing?
Lily turned back to Alex before she nodded and Olivia could see the same face that she herself had gotten when Olivia told her she wanted to live with her; joy that she struggled not to show.
Alex stood up along with Lily and took her by the hand and began to lead her down the hall away from Olivia.
Olivia closed her eyes as tears made their way down her face. She had no idea it would have hurt this much.
She covered her mouth with her hand as a sob escaped her in a successful attempt to not to make Lily or Alex listen to her sobs.
Olivia quickly turned the corner so she no longer had to look at her daughter and wife walking away from her and took desperate gasping breaths as she threw her head back against the wall and the tears coursed down her face. She wanted to sink down and disappear into nothing. She would do anything to get rid of the pain that erupted inside her.
Only when she heard the sound of approaching footsteps did she wipe the tears from her face and opened her eyes to search for the person who intruded on her weeping. The moment she spotted the trespasser her brown eyes narrowed into slits of hate and anger.
"What the hell's wrong with you, Liv?" Chris said with a smirk.
"Don't call me that!" she growled as she wiped the final remnants of her tears from her face.
"You are nothing but a lowly, disgusting, filthy bastard!" she snarled as she stormed over to him and stood not even an inch away from him.
He stepped away from her and he glowered at her. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"You lied and said you were Lily's father and stole her medical records and then you gave them to a reporter! What the hell is wrong with you?"
"No I didn't!" he yelled. "I didn't even know Lily was in the hospital!"
"Liar!" shouted Olivia. "I know you did it and I can prove it! I called the hospital and asked and they said YOUR name was on the release form! Why the hell would you do that, you bastard?"
Chris sighed as if the conversation was boring him. "Fine. I did it, but it was for a good cause!"
"And what good cause would that be?" Olivia snapped. "Causing an already suffering thirteen year old girl pain and humiliation on a state wide scale?"
"Close, but no. Look I called up the house to see if Alex would talk to me, Lily answered and told me they were at the hospital and Lily was admitted. When I asked what, she said that it was none of my business and hung up.
I didn't know if it was something minor or something that might interfere with the election so I called the hospital and asked to speak to the unit that your kid is on and when they transferred me to the psych ward I knew it was something juicy. I got the picture, went to the hospital, and told them I was her father. I showed them the picture and told the chick her birth day and she handed the records over like it was candy. I read them, realized your daughter's a psycho, and gave them to the press."
"Don't call her that!" Olivia cried as she pushed him away from her. "Don't you EVER call her that again!"
"Don't touch me!" he growled as he pushed back. "I was only trying to help Alex! A teenage daughter with mental problems who tried to legit off herself and Alex was ignoring the election to stand beside her? Sympathy votes for her would go WAY up. I didn't know she'd punch the damn reporter though! If you REALLY cared about Alex, you'd be more concerned she's throwing away this election for you and her psycho freak kid then worrying about Lily's records!"
With every ounce of strength she possessed; Olivia raised her fist and hit him square in the face.
He fell to the floor and Olivia ignored the blinding pain in her knuckles as she glared down at the pathetic man in front of her.
"You butch bitch!" he cried as he clutched his bleeding nose. "I'm gonna have you arrested for assault!"
"Try it!" Olivia snarled, "and while you're doing that, I'll have you arrested for falsifying your name on an official record, stealing official medical records, releasing official medical records of a minor without her permission, releasing official medical records of a minor without her parent's permission, attempted rape of a senior district attorney oh yes Alex told me all about that, verbal harassment of a police officer, and verbal harassment of a minor.
So go ahead, Chris, call the cops. But remember that revenge is a VERY bitter bitch and assault doesn't even begin to equal up to the time you'll serve and if you had even an OUNCE of brain left in that thick headed skull of yours you'll leave me, Alex, and Lily the hell alone for the rest of our lives! Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
Chris glared at her but never the less nodded. "Yeah," he grumbled, "whatever."
He groaned in pain as he stood up from the floor and the two glared at one another for several seconds before she won the last battle he would ever be involved in with them. He turned tail and began to walk towards the exit.
"Hey, Chris!" Olivia shouted out towards his retreating back. Chris turned around and Olivia smirked at him. "No hard feelings. The better man always wins."
Chris glared at her but remained silent. He turned away from her and stormed out of the hospital.
"Fucking politicians," she muttered. Shaking her head, Olivia turned and headed towards the cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee before she headed back to the hotel.
October 23rd, St Peters Protestant Church, Albany, 11:17 AM
"Who the hell has a seating arrangement for their funeral much less a guest list?" Alex muttered as she and James had a second moment where no one was walking into the church and took a moment to put on the sweater that had been tied loosely around her shoulders.
"Don't curse in a church; it's bad karma," James told her as he straightened out his tie.
"I'm just saying she planned this like it was gonna be the social event of the season. She has waiters in there serving hors d'oeuvres for God-… Gosh sakes! Plus these little handmade notes she made some people. Does she not realize how hurtful it is that some people got them and some people didn't?"
"You're upset she didn't leave you a note?"
"No," she muttered but even before the words passed her lips James could tell it was a lie. "In any case, the waiters are completely inappropriate." James shrugged as if serving appetizers to mourners was the norm. "Your mother did that with everything though. You should have seen the party she was planning to throw you after you won the election."
"And what if I lost?"
"She wasn't exactly planning on that…"
Alex rolled her eyes once more but before they could say anther word they saw an elderly couple that looked like they were on the way to some lavish grand party walk out from behind the corner of the side walk; having been forced to park on the other side of the street.
They walked up the marble steps and Alex forced herself to smile at who she assumed was her mother's friends.
"Names please?"
"Janelle and Lysander Keith," the woman answered with the most aristocratic tone she could manage as she held her nose high in the air.
Alex consulted her clipboard that held the 'A-M' names and quickly found the people she was searching for.
"You're all set," Alex informed them as she turned back to the couple. "You're left section, fifteenth row, thirty eighth and thirty ninth seat over."
"Thank you, Alexandra. I'm SO sorry about your mother passing," the woman said as she grabbed her hand.
"Thank you," Alex answered with a soft smile.
The woman gave her a clearly forced smile before she and her husband headed in.
Alex rolled her eyes as she leaned up against the wall again and sighed. "Shouldn't I be inside grieving with my father?"
"That was the plan, actually," James told her with a shrug. "Me and Olivia were supposed to be out here doing this but since you won't call her-."
Alex groaned and ran a hand through her soft curls. "Don't start, James, not today. Okay I've TRIED calling her. She doesn't wanna talk to me."
"She calls your phone three times a day!"
"To talk to Lily!" Alex argued as she struggled to keep her voice down so the mourners already inside the church didn't hear them.
"No, you assume it's to talk to Lily," James corrected. "You always hand the phone to Lily when she calls."
"I know she doesn't wanna talk to me, otherwise she would have told Lily. She doesn't… she doesn't love me anymore, James," Alex confessed. A hard lump in her throat suddenly made it difficult to swallow. Tears filled her eyes and she tried in vain to blink them away before they ruined her makeup. "She's probably not even gonna show up to the funeral…"
"Alex, listen to me-."
But he too was cut off when another man, this time a kind faced middle aged gentlemen, walked around the corner.
Alex hastily wiped her eyes as the man approached them.
"Name please?"
"Robert Parrish," the man said with a soft smile at Alex.
James quickly consulted his own list and whistled when he found the name. "Center section, row three, twentieth seat over; you must have been high on her like list to get that spot. You also were fortunate to get a note."
James reached behind the sheet and pulled out his last three envelopes and handed the one that said Roberts name on it to him.
The man chuckled and shook his head as he put the note in his breast pocket. "It was actually Lillian who was high on my own list. She donated five thousand dollars every year for the past thirty seven years to the Catholic Charities AIDS Services."
Both James and Alex's mouth fell agape at the man's words.
"That's almost two hundred thousand dollars!" gasped Alex. "Why would she do that?"
Robert gave Alex a soft smile. "She told me once it was her way of showing acceptance for someone she loved more than anything."
Alex felt her eyes well with eyes only for the first time in several days Olivia had nothing to do with them.
James reached over and rubbed Alex's back in small circles who failed at not letting her tears fall.
"I think THAT was your note," James whispered to Alex who took a shuddering breath and nodded in agreement.
"Mam, I can do this if you wanna go inside," Robert told her softly as he reached towards the clipboard.
Alex choked out a sob mixed in with a laugh and shook her head. "My mom would be spinning in the coffin if she knew I let one of the guests help out with this."
"Alex, let him help. You're not even supposed to be doing this."
"I'll be fine," Alex said as she wiped away her tears, no longer caring about the appearance of her makeup. "Just go inside and take your seat please."
Robert gave her a kind smile before he followed her instructions leaving the two alone on the front steps.
James put down his clipboard and took her by the shoulders so that she looked at him. "Call your wife."
"No," Alex said as she wiped more un-fallen tears from her eyes only to have more come.
"Alex, please."
"Don't you think I want to?" she snapped. "Don't you think I want her by my side right now? Okay, don't you think it makes me feel like the worse person on earth to know that all this is my fault? That pretty much every single problem we've ever had in our relationship is my fault? To know that I would kill to take back everything I did to her and I can't?"
Alex shook her head as another sob escaped her. "I love her more than anything in this world and I would do anything and give anything to have her back but she doesn't want me back… and I have to deal with that."
"Alex-."
Alex handed him her clipboard which he took eagerly. "I'm gonna see if my dad needs any help inside."
"Alex, wait-!"
Without another word she turned tail and headed inside the crowded church.
James sighed and shook his head as he turned back to the front of the church for a moment before he glanced down at Alex's list to familiarize himself with some of the names of the people to still come when he spotted his own name and gasped softly, his own tears filling his eyes.
"Fredrick, James," the seating list Lila had personally made out read. "Center section, front row, seat 11. Note."
"Smack dab in the middle of her family," he thought with a teary grin. He looked up towards the sky and smiled at the clear blue sky. "Took you long enough."
He reached behind the sheet as he pulled out the last three notes Alex had yet to hand out. One was addressed to James, the other to Max, and the last one was, to his surprise addressed, to Olivia.
James took his and slipped the last four into his pocket. He would give them to their owners later. He tore open the envelope and placed it safely in his pocket and began to read the short hand written note:
'Dear, James.
I do hope you put marinade on the chicken for the wake. Your chicken has always been as dry as a bone. Also, please sit a little bit away from them on the pew. It simply looks tacky for the help to sit with the employers, no matter how much we consider the help to be a member of the family and a dear, loyal, and best friend to both me and Max.
Love, Lila.'
He shook his head, chuckled once more, wiped his eyes, and went back to his duties.
October 23rd, Hilton Hotel, Albany NY, 11:29 AM
"Call her."
"No."
"Call her."
"No."
"Call her!"
"No!"
Olivia and Elliot, who was staying with her in the other bedroom who knew how hard it was to sleep in an empty house after years of marriage, glared at one another; anger burning in both blue and brown eyes.
"Give me one good reason why not!" Elliot demanded.
"She doesn't want to talk to me. She always hands the phone over to Lily when I try to call."
"So ask Lily to talk to her after she's done."
Olivia shook her head once more, some of her neatly gelled brown hair falling into place. "No, Elliot, you don't get it. Alex doesn't wanna talk to me. I said it was over and she… she agrees with me. It… it also makes it easier to leave her when I don't have to hear her voice."
Elliot looked over his partners face for a moment before he shook his head. "You're pathetic."
Olivia scoffed and her eyes widened to monumental degrees. "I know I'm getting old, but I didn't think my hearing was that bad because I KNOW you didn't just call me what I think you did."
"No, you heard me right. You're pathetic, Olivia. You want her back, you still love her, and you're giving up on her. You're making a mistake by leaving her, Olivia."
"Hang the hell on!" Olivia shouted. "YOU'RE the one who told me to leave her! YOU'RE the one who threatened to kill her because I thought she was cheating! YOU'RE the one who's wanted me to leave her ever since she slapped me fifteen years ago!"
Elliot scoffed and rolled his eyes to the heavens. "Oh come ON, Liv. You've never threatened to 'kill' someone you had zero intention on hurting? You've really meant it when you said you were gonna kill Alex if she leaves the cupboard door open again and you hit your head on it? Did you mean it when you said if Alex wakes up at three in the morning on your day off to ask if you could go to the store for milk in the morning you were gonna shove the milk carton down her throat? Everyone, including myself, says shit like that all the time and NEVER mean it. I mean no offense here, Liv, but you'd have to be an idiot to believe I or anyone else would go through with it or that I even meant it.
You're my best friend. I was angry she hurt you like that and abandoned you when you gave her everything. I would have ripped her a new one and made her eardrums bleed form all the screaming I did but do you really think I would actually hurt her?"
Olivia sighed and shook her head as she sat down on the bed with Elliot following. "She lied to me, Elliot," said Olivia as she cast her tear filled gaze towards him. "She lied to me so many times about... about everything."
"And almost every lie she told she did it to protect you or somebody else," Elliot told her. "She didn't tell you about her and Edwards date because she knows you would have gone psycho on Lila, she didn't tell you wanted to kiss Chris just like you never told her you actually DID kiss that cop woman you went on a date with, she didn't tell you went with her and Lily as a photograph instead of you two because she knows you would have said no and she was right when she said that a picture of you and her would have made her look bad, she-."
"Her picture was all over the news!" Olivia argued.
"It's BEEN all over the news! She is the first openly gay woman trying to become a senator; sorry to tell you but yes, Lily's picture will be all over the place! Can I finish?"
"No!" shouted Olivia. "Because it's not just the lies, it's everything! She's changed, Elliot!"
"Yeah because she's trying to move up in life! Just like you changed when you went from cop to detective! She's under a lot of stress right now, Liv."
"So that gives her the right to act like a bitch to me and her daughter? To say mean hurtful things to Lily?"
"No. But that's what a marriage IS, Olivia. You talk about things; you don't just throw in the towel!"
"I tried!" Olivia cried as she stood up from the bed and Elliot followed. "Alright I tried talking to her but she doesn't want to listen! All she wants to do is focus on her campaign!"
"It is a big deal! She needs to concentrate on it, and as much as you hate to admit it you know I'm right! Yeah Alex was a bitch and she shouldn't have been. But all the times she lied and was a bitch before the election you never really minded for some odd reason so what changed because up until four years ago you two were doing fine."
Olivia glowered at him as he stood in front of her, his muscular broad arms crossed in front of his chest in a feeble hope to intimidate her. "You know damn well what happened four years ago."
Elliot sighed as he walked over to her and took her by the hands. "Olivia… you have to talk to her. Not just about all of the campaign shit, but about Simon. You and Alex lost a child and I know that is something you never get over but have you two even tried to talk about it? At all?"
Olivia's eyes filled with tears she didn't even bother trying to wipe away. "I can't," she whispered meekly. "She doesn't want to. She just… she just wanted to throw everything of his away and forget he ever tried to exist. I mean we've both told each other it's not the other ones fault but… she doesn't wanna talk, Elliot, and I don't wanna be the one that pushes her."
"If you don't," Elliot said softly. "You're going to lose her. Do you still love her?"
Olivia nodded as more tears spilled. "More than anything."
"Then you know what you have to do." With a nod he turned and walked out of the room, shutting the door silently behind him.
October 28th, St Peters Protestant Church, Albany, 11:58 AM
"I swear if that priest makes us late…" Alex muttered angrily as she sat in the front pew with James on her left and Lily on her right.
"He won't," Max whispered. "He's been our reverend for a very long time. He knows how much importance your mother placed on promptness."
Alex sighed and looked at her watch before she looked behind her at the massive amount of people that filled the church to its maximum capacity.
The first few pews were filled with family, her closest friends, and members of the churches congregation. The other people who filled the wooden benches Alex hardly recognized anyone besides her own family members and several Judges, lawyers, and politicians she had worked with.
The interior was grand and majestic and gave you a sense of a palace. There was dark crimson carpet on both aisles on the floor next to the highly polished cherry wood pews. White marble made up the walls and the steeples were so tall and open it gave you a feeling that it actually did reach the heavens.
The polished mahogany brown casket was artfully surrounded by pink and white roses, Lila's favorites, as was the various candle sticks, steps, and the alter itself.
Standing next to the casket was a collage of Lila's photos. From gray and faded childhood photos showing a somewhat stern little girl, to colored photos of a stunningly beautiful blonde teenager and young woman smiling and having fun with friends, her marriage photos, pictures of her with a baby Alex, and photos throughout the years seeing her age gracefully.
"She looks like you," Lily whispered to Alex as she leaned her head on her mother's shoulder. Alex rested her head on Lily's and smiled. "Thanks, baby."
Lily snuggled closer and Alex kissed the top of her head.
"I love you, mom," said Lily softly.
Alex felt her eyes well with tears and she bit back a sob, forcing herself to speak.
"I love you too, Lily."
Alex took a shaky breath as she saw the reverend walk in. He was an older man, at least in his seventies with thinning snow white hair and kind blue eyes.
The church grew quiet as he stepped up to the alter and Alex swallowed hard as Max reached out and grabbed her hand and held it tightly. She could already see the making of tears in his eyes.
His voice was soft and full of compassion and humanity. "Good afternoon, my name is Reverend Charles Dawson and I wish to thank you all for attending the service for Lillian Cabot. We'll start by a reading a prayer for her mourners. Bow your heads, please."
Alex closed her eyes as she bowed her head and waited until Max unclasped her hand before she folded hers.
"'Almighty God, Father of all mercies and giver of all comfort: Deal graciously; we pray thee, with those who mourn, that casting every care on thee, they may know the consolation of thy love, through Jesus Christ our Lord'. Amen."
"Amen," Alex along with the rest of the muttered before turning their eyes back up front.
Charles turned back to the congregation and folded his hands on the altar. "On the night of October 20th Lillian Cabot passed from this world into the arms of our Savior she so strongly believed in. Lillian, or Lily as she was known to her closest friends and family, was a woman who put her strong spirit into everything she did. Rather it was regarding her interest of politics and law, giving to charities that were close to her heart, or sharply addressing people on how they should dress."
There was a low reserved chuckle that rose up from the mourners and Alex couldn't help but let out a tentative smile at his words.
"Lillian was a member of this parish for as long as I have led it and then some. Many times after the service was conducted she would come to me and after telling me that she and her beloved husband Max had just bought a new luxurious item for their home or a new vehicle she would suggest to me ways to improve upon the sermons I preached. For those of you who knew Lillian closely know that she never suggested anything much less told you what you were going to do."
There was another soft laugh from the church and Alex heard her father let out a sob mixed with a laugh.
"Sometimes she would tell me which lessons to teach my congregations but more often than most she would tell me which people she believed needed prayers. While you or I may disagree as to her reasons why someone would need prayer, sometimes she would strike the nail on the head. For weeks after the death of her grandson before the service; she would tell me that I was going to lead a prayer to pray for his unfortunate parents."
Alex looked down at the floor and felt Lily's hold on her tighten and Max reached over and rubbed her back in soft soothing circles.
"When Lillian's daughter in law was forced with a horrible decision regarding her wife's first pregnancy-."
There was a low mutter from the congregation and Alex restrained herself from looking back and glaring at them all.
Charles waited patiently until it had gone silent before he continued. "Lillian called me in tears, asking if she could pray with me over the phone to help save her daughter and grandchild, and in case something went wrong with her own daughter, her daughter in law wouldn't feel guilt and not grieve over something that wasn't her fault."
Alex swallowed hard and took a deep breath as fresh tears began to make their way frown her face.
"Lillian was a woman who loved her family and friends to the very end. She is safe with our Savior in heaven and enjoying her everlasting life with our Father. Let us pray."
They all bowed their heads once more and Alex felt her hands begin shake, knowing what was coming afterwards.
"God of mercy'," Charles began, "'as we mourn the death of Lillian and we thank you for her life, we also remember times when it was hard for us to understand, to forgive, and to be forgiven. Heal our memories of hurt and failure, and bring us to forgiveness and life in Jesus Christ our Lord. Father, the death of Lillian brings an emptiness into our lives. We are separated from her and feel broken and disturbed. Give us confidence that she is safe and her life complete with you, and bring us together at the last to the wholeness and fullness of your presence in heaven, where your saints and angels enjoy you forever and ever'. Amen."
Once again 'amen' was muttered throughout the entire church and Alex took a deep breath as she reached in her purse and pulled out her speech she had prepared.
"We will now hear remembrances from her friends and family," Charles told them.
Alex swallowed hard as she went to stand up but before she could the doors opened and the entire church looked back at the person who had interrupted the service.
Alex's eyes widened for a moment before they filled with tears as she watched the clearly uncomfortable person look around the crowded church.
"I'd um… I'd like to say a statement… if that's alright," Olivia muttered softly as she scanned the church, her eyes finally landing on Alex and gave her a subtle smile.
"Of course," Charles answered with his own smile."
Olivia cleared her throat as she walked down the aisle, avoiding the eyes of the onlookers including her wife. Alex watched as Olivia walked to the alter and stood in front of it, twisting her wedding ring.
"Hello… um... my name is Olivia Benson, I'm Lila's daughter in law. I didn't really think it'd be this crowded, honestly," she mumbled as she rubbed the back of her neck. "But uh, I just have a few things to say about Lila and then I'll let the rest of you speak if you want. I knew Lila for almost sixteen years and… I gotta be honest; we never really got along all that much."
Alex let out a soft groan as she closed her eyes as she heard the low mutters of confusion from the other people.
Olivia took a deep breath as she continued. "Lila was always criticizing me about my job, my wardrobe, the amount of money I brought home, the fact I'm eight years older than her daughter, and just about every other thing you could think of.
I first met Lila about a week before Christmas and my wife had told her I was a straight Republican who was dating my work partner. Those two weeks were probably the worst in my life I thought for the longest time. She critiqued and criticized and made fun of nearly everything about me. We almost got into a physical fight if it wasn't for her daughter holding me back when Lila insulted my own departed mother. It was horrible only made worse by the fact the woman I loved was lying to her own mother about me."
Alex looked down at Lily's shocked expression and swallowed hard. They would need to have a long talk when they got home…
"Then six months later when her wife and I were planning our wedding, Lila interfered again, she insulted and degraded me every day again, and my soon to be wife was lying to me and about me… again. I'm not sure how Alex and me made it to our vows, but we did somehow. When our daughter was about to be born, Lila came down to help out as any good mother would do… She told me on a regular basis that our child was my wife's and my wife's only. I was not her mother no matter how much I would love her and care for her. She once even called me a 'glorified babysitter'.
But when I needed her for the first time, truly needed her, she was there for me. She helped me survive the worst decision I ever had to make and told me what she and I both knew I needed to do but I was too much of a coward to say it out loud."
Olivia took a shuddering breath at the memory and wiped away the tears that glistened in her eyes. "I thought that was the only thing Lila would ever do for me. But looking back, I realized she did a lot more for me then I realize or could ever thank for her. "She helped me and my wife stay together bonded with that whole an enemy of my enemy is my friend thing. She kept me and Alex alive by forcing us to realize that our lives aren't perfect or beautiful. She made us work together to keep one another sane whenever she came to visit. And she… she made me realize how much I am head over heels in love with her daughter."
Alex covered her mouth with her hand to stop the sobs that were about to escape her. It didn't work.
Olivia turned to Alex and took a deep shuddering breath. "I love you, Alex. And every time your mother would be horrible to me, the only thing running through my mind was 'she's worth it.' That and 'oh GOD! I'd REALLY love to hit her right now!' But she made me realize we could survive anything together, including… including Simon's death."
Alex once again ignored the mutterings and her tears fell even faster as Olivia continued. "I just… I just wanna go back to the way things were; before we lost him. I know we have a lot of things to talk about before we're back on track but I'm more than willing to try if you are. I love you, Alex. Will you come back to me?"
Alex felt the entire congregation's eyes on her as she cleared her throat and stood up and took a deep breath before she spoke.
"No. No, I will not take you back…"
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