"Aagh. I feel like I just had a hangover," I grunted. Samus swiveled around in her seat. "That's what you get for consuming roughly twenty-seven cans of Rabbizia. Although, I'm impressed. Anyone else would have been dead of alcohol poisoning by can thirteen. You have a mere hangover after twenty-seven. And where the hell did you even get that stuff?"
"How did you find out about that stuff? Besides, the guy who gave it to me said it was nonalcoholic."
" Never trust anyone in a cantina. And speaking of which, just how did you pay for the stuff?"
"Um…"
She fixed a steely gaze at me. "I'm under orders to keep you alive, healthy, and law-abiding until we get to the Olympus."
"Yeah, um, I kind of helped him out a bit."
"By which you mean…"
"I killed some guys trying to rob him."
She blanched. "You what?"
" Yeah. I tried to break it up peacefully, and one of them tried to brain me with a pole. Then the other guy tried to stab me."
"Zkruen!"
"What?"
"Nothing."
The incident we were talking about had happened the previous night, when Samus had stopped off at a small orbiting station to fill up on Fuel Gel, the only stop we had made since we left that unfortunate X-infested station three days prior.
"When I said you could look around, I didn't mean this!" she exclaimed.
"You're not my mom."
"But I'm being ordered to act like one. God, if this is what I was like as a teen… Grey Voice was even more patient than he seemed."
My arms began to itch. I scratched them idly, noticing some red circular marks in vaguely triangular-ish patterns. Thinking they were just welts, I ignored them. "D'you have anything for a hangover, then?"
"Yeah." She raised her Arm Cannon and shot me. I jumped. "OW!"
"There. Hangover gone."
"This is Private Jonathan C. Cassim of the G.F.S. Olympus. Please state your name and your ship registration within the next hundredth of a cycle."
"Looks like we're here," muttered Samus. She quickly rattled off her registration.
"Thank you, Ms. Aran. You may land in Bay 5-H. Admiral Dane would like to see you."
Samus maneuvered the ship into the bay. Several soldiers were milling about in the massive chamber. "Adam, keep an eye on the ship. Don't let anyone in except me unless they have my clearance."
"Yeah, whatever. Do you know how damn boring my life is? Adam, do this. Adam, do that. I wish I were human again. Actually, I wish I had just locked the doors of the Navigation Room during the Main Boiler meltdown. Then I would be dead, and I wouldn't have to deal with this menial bulls-"
"Shut up," I told him. We disembarked. The soldiers stared at me. Probably never seen anyone except Samus leave her ship before. I stared them down, forcing them to lower their gazes.
"Seriously, what is with your computer? He's got a personality disorder, for God's sake!" A nervous looking soldier was leading us to the bridge. I wanted to know why Adam was so angry, grumpy, emotional, pessimistic, etc. All that Samus would say is, "He got asked to play a psychotic computer in a video game. I got paid about a million credits for it, but Adam's never been the same since."
"Sir, boy, we've reached the bridge," announced the soldier. As we stepped in, I couldn't help snicker, "Sir? Really?"
Samus looked down at me. "If you try to make a joke like that, I will throw you into deep space."
"And on that note, it's the famous bounty hunter Samus Aran and her sidekick, Sam!" I muttered as we entered the bridge.
"Ah, Samus, it's good to see you. And the boy?"
"Is right here," I said. My arms began to itch again, near the welts, so I began to scratch them.
"All right, let's get to the point. Samus, as much as it pains me to say this, we were wrong about the X. They have just made a massive attack on the Cradion system. They took out every habitation, including the Kriken colony."
"I would say 'I told you so', but you just said Kriken. Please tell me that you did not just say Kriken," complained Samus.
"He said Kriken," I quipped.
"Shut up."
"Um, Aran, why is the boy growing some kind of spike on his arms?"
"Excuse me? Was that random or what?" I asked.
"Look at your arms," came the reply.
My arms were now home to a series of flesh-colored, serrated spikes, like the ones on Samus's suit. "This is so weird," I grumbled. "Can't I have a normal day even once?"
Some scientists scurried into view. They crowded around my arms, poking the spikes, taking pictures, and using some hand scanners on them. I got annoyed and told them where they could stick their scanners. The disgruntled scientists stepped back. Dane asked, " Would you mind submitting to an examination?"
"What kind of examination?"
" We just want to check your bio structure."
"By which you mean…"
"Would you just let us examine you?"
"Well," I hesitated, and then I looked at the spikes on my arm. "Okay."
I was led out of the control room, through the grey, spartan halls, and into a large chamber with a stasis tank at the far end. I eyed the tank with some misgivings, remembering my last experience with them. One scientist said, "Get in."
"In what?"
"The tank. What else?"
While I was still wary of the tank, I figured I had best get it over with. I stepped into the tank. I waited. All of a sudden, I blacked out.
I blinked my eyes open. I was standing in the tank, with a green liquid up to my knees. My jumpsuit was gone, replaced by some khaki shorts and a grey shirt. My head ached. I called out, "Hey! Can someone let me out? Hello! Anyone?"
I kept calling for several minutes, before giving up. I punched the tank, which shattered. I stepped out. It was then that I looked around. This was not the same room that the tank had originally been in. The room was filled with several other stasis tanks, each one housing an X of a different color. One of the tanks was shattered. I gingerly stepped around it. In the corner of the room, near the door, stood an activated terminal. I walked over to it. The terminal had a document onscreen. I began to peruse the file:
Galactic Federation Ship Olympus
Biological Laboratory 3
Technician-Private Franklin S. Tierney
Day 1,298
Admiral Dane, and the bounty hunter Samus Aran brought in a new subject today. It is a human male, aged 1.4 decacycles. Dane asked me to scan him. The results were incredible:
The boy has an incredibly efficient body system. Every single organ is dedicated to increasing his survival capabilities. He has a set of gills, four lungs, and two hearts. This effectively doubles the efficiency of his cardiovascular and respiratory systems. His digestive system has been optimized as well. The subject is almost like a nuclear reactor, converting mass directly into energy, and possibly vice-versa. Therefore, the subject lacks any organs to remove waste. All matter is converted to energy. The subject's neural network is mystifying as well. It seems to be a fusion of biology and technology. His pituitary gland has been artificially stimulated to regulate his muscle mass, enabling him to lift roughly two tons. To keep his entire body from collapsing under this amalgam of nature, the subject has been augmented with nanobots, which are produced in several machines in the space where his excretory organs should be. These nanobots enable a regeneration ability and a supercharged immune system. Underneath his left heart lies a small, geode-like organ that produces a constant supply of Phazon, the only supply left since the Phazon Crisis fifty years ago. Due to this Phazon production, the subject is currently 65% corrupted. The most exciting thing about it is that the Phazon has no side effects whatsoever. In fact, it seems to act like adrenaline. In certain situations, the subject will be able to channel this Phazon to use as a body stimulant and weapon. Speaking of weapons, we have never seen anything like the boy's. According to Aran, he was used as a test subject by the Space Pirates, as the 'ultimate weapon'. To this end, his left arm can retract into the wrist to reveal a hollow capable of firing Beam weapons on par with that of Aran. The arm is also capable of producing a missile rack. Each missile's power is comparable to that of one of Aran's Super Missiles. We are currently wondering how this is possible. One of my interns suggested that the weapons were augmented with a liquid diffuser. It makes sense, considering that the Pirates stole a prototype diffuser two decades ago, which they have been using on themselves with great effect. The subject's eyes have been augmented with artificial rods and cones, which can be activated by electrical waves to simulate Aran's Visors. We are amazed by the subject. He has undergone so many gene and technology modifications that he should be dead. And speaking of genetic modifications, we were stunned by his. His genetic structure is:
10% Human, just enough for him to resemble one and retain the major organ systems.
15% Chozo, which comprises the neural network and bone structure.
10% Metroid, which enables all of the Metroid powers, but is also causing mutations.
10% Reptilicus, which increases durability and increases his resistance to extreme temperatures.
10% Zebesian, which also increases his durability and gives him improved cardiovascular and respiratory systems.
1% Skultera, which enabled the gills.
10% Nanobot, we are unable to explain this, as the nanobots seem to be creating genes on the fly. Our best guess is that they help regulate the other genes.
5% Phrygisian, giving him the longevity of one.
5% Phazon, also a mystery. Possibly due to Phazon corruption, it has become a major part of his genetic structure.
24% Unknown, this DNA is from creatures either we have never gotten DNA samples from or were created in laboratories.
Due to multiple stasis sessions, it seems that the nanobots are beginning to malfunction.
All this adds up to just one thing: the Space Pirates succeeded in creating the ultimate weapon. It's amazing that he managed to survive the modifications. Of course, the nanobots may say otherwise. We're just lucky he's on our side…. For now. I am sure we have just scratched the surface of the boy. More scans are needed. One last note: Part of the unknown DNA contained Federation markers from B.S.L. I'm not sure what to make of it.
END LOG
The reading was certainly intriguing, but it was useless right now. I scrolled over to another log.
Galactic Federation Ship Olympus
Corridor Delta-7, outside Biological Laboratory 3
Private Jacob S. Collins
Day 1,298
VOICE LOG
It's pretty quiet out here. I'm just making a log to relieve the boredom. Ever since that kid in the tank was brought down here, I was assigned to guard the laboratory. It's creepy down here. I'm practically in the bowels of the ship. Plus, it's boring as hell. Scuttlebutt says that the lab I'm guarding is actually housing X parasites from the planet SR388. After the whole B.S.L. incident, Samus Aran was put on probation, until the X somehow got to the Cradion system. The Federation put up an energy shield to block off the rest of the universe, and good thing too. For two days, the only thing broadcasting on the quantum bandwidth were camera feeds of the X devastating the system. The Federation had to issue a public apology to Samus, which probably ticked off more than a few fat politicians. But it also saved their lives. I heard that Aran's fans attacked Norion's Federation Capitol. For like three days. Crazy what they'll do.
KSHHH! Huh? What was that? [Sound of rifle cocking] KSHH! Holy- Aaaah! Help! Someone! Anyone! AAAAA-
END LOG
That was…. creepy. I headed to the door to try and open it. The door was unresponsive to everything I did, from shooting it to hacking it. With nothing else to do, I returned to the terminal and began reading more voice logs. They started the same way, a bored soldier guarding some room deciding to make a log. He or she would ramble on, until they heard a scraping noise. Then, the log would degenerate into screams, until the last scream was suddenly cut off. I scanned the room. Seeing the other broken tank made me wonder if an X parasite had escaped. I saved the thought for later as I began reading more logs:
Galactic Federation Ship Olympus
Biological Laboratory 2
Private-Technician Amanda J. Johnson
Day 1,298
VOICE LOG
I got transferred to the G.F.S. Olympus today. They were running a lockdown drill, so I got a crash course. I was told to make a voice log and detail the main points. Don't know why. So here they are:
In the event of lab contamination, all hatchways will be locked down until all hostile bioforms are terminated. Ugh… just saying that gives me an awful taste in my mouth. Glad I'm not a soldier, just a techie. KSSHH! Hey! Colonel Jones, what was that? [inaudible answer] Well, okay. KRINK! Colonel, listen! I think a vent is loose! QUOOSH-QUOOSH-QUOOSH! What was that? Look! It's an- AAAIII! Colonel Jones! SWISH! *huff huff huff huff* Wait! I'm still recording! We're being attacked by- THUD THUD- eep! Oh, it's just you, Ms.- AAAAAI-
END LOG
That was convenient. I assumed that hostile bioforms meant, in this case, X parasites. I blew up the remaining tanks. As one, the freed parasites swarmed into me. I waited a few seconds and was rewarded by the activation of the hatch. I shot at it, and the terminal flashed. The doors opened, revealing the vacuum of space. Everything not bolted down flew into the inky void, yours truly included. I grabbed the door, forcing what air was left into my lungs. My grip loosened. Just as it peeled off entirely, I looked over to the terminal, which cheekily flashed, "REPRESSURIZE? Y/N". I flew out into my doom.
I floated through space. The first thing I had noticed was that I was breathing. The second thing I noticed was that my back was expelling jets of air. The third thing I noticed was that my Visor vision had come up involuntarily, and was flashing, "Oxygen reserves 97%. Time to depletion: 5:49:34". How convenient, yet creepy. I observed the situation. The G.F.S. Olympus was in the same place, although it had gotten some major redecorations. The lower half of the ship had a massive chunk taken out of its stern, with smaller chunks missing here and there, which floated around. The upper half of the ship seemed to have mostly escaped damage. But what drew my attention were the horrific creatures crawling around the upper half. They looked like horrifying fusions between creatures that should have never even imagined the other existed. Mermaid-like Reptilicus things wriggled around. Zebesians with way too many appendages squirmed about. I watched in quiet awe. As I watched, green beams flared across the hull, striking the monsters and sending them spiraling into space. As I viewed the scene, Samus Aran, feet firmly attached to the hull, came striding around, picking off monsters with uncanny accuracy. But she was quickly being outnumbered. To even the odds, I zapped a few creatures. Samus looked around. Upon seeing me, her eyes widened. I waved. She gestured. I looked around, and spying a stray piece of debris, used it as a launchpad to rocket towards her. I landed on the hull. She pointed to my head. I shook it, unsure what she was talking about. In the corner of my vision, my Visor's oxygen gauge read, " Oxygen reserves 74%. Time to depletion: 4:28:35". She beckoned, and led the way to a hatch. We entered into an airlock. Samus glared at a terminal in the corner. With a whirr, it activated, pressurizing the room. My visor vision disappeared, and the first thing I heard with air to support sound was, "transparent!"
"What?"
"You're turning transparent!"
"Say what?"
"You heard me!"
I looked at my hand. It was clear, enabling me to watch the veins pulse, weaving through the bones. "That is so cool!"
" How did you survive in the emptiness of space?"
"I had an air supply."
"What?"
"You heard me," I parroted. Samus glared at me, and shot the hatch. It opened to reveal a very angry spider-like Zebesian. I roundhouse-kicked it through the hatch into a convenient spike of twisted metal jutting out from the far end of the hall. The creature hung there limply for a moment, before dissolving into an X parasite. Samus swore. Looking as angry as an amorphous blob could look, it attacked, only to be finished off. I moved forward. Sensing that Samus wasn't moving, I turned to face her. As I did, I felt a funny sensation. "What?" I asked. She pointed at my back. "You have a tail."
"… AAAAAGGGH!"
POW! Samus sucker punched me out of my trance. "Thanks. I needed that," I admitted. "But what the heck is going on? First spikes from my arms, now a freaking tail?" I examined my newest appendage. It was flesh colored, with an arrowhead tip on the end. Cool, yet incredibly weird. Samus was staring at it with the same intensity. "I have a really bad feeling about this."
"Yeah. It comes with HAVING A FREAKING TAIL!" I screamed. Samus punched me again. "Ow."
She dragged me down the hallway. I looked out the view panes. All sorts of monsters were crawling around the ship. "Where are we going?" I asked Samus.
"To find Dane."
"And he is…"
"Not here."
"Of course."
HISSS! A Reptilicus with far too many eyes lunged at me. My(gulp) tail stabbed it. The Reptilicus slumped, before transforming into an X. Samus finished it off. "Why is everything trying to kill me?" I complained.
"Because they see you as a greater threat."
Samus turned at a junction. I followed her, looking the other way to see a hapless soldier get sucked into space through a smashed corridor. The corridor quickly sealed.
"HELP!" I heard a familiar voice cry out. "What the-" I muttered, spinning around. Samus had stopped, listening. "Down there," she announced, pointing farther down. I rushed ahead of her. At the end of the hall was a group of mutant X swarming a Luminoth. The Luminoth was shooting a Freeze Gun, keeping them at bay, but I could tell that he was going to run out of power. I dashed down the hall, yelling, "HEY!" The Luminoth and X turned. Upon seeing me, the X coalesced into a massive germ with some kind of shell. Multiple missiles from behind me shattered it, and Samus leapt up and absorbed the X. The Luminoth watched us. I waved. "Hi. Don't you have anything to say?"
"Yes. Sam, it's great to see you again!"
"Wait. You're L-Una!" I gasped.
"Yes. It is I. I see you have brought the Chozo Hatchling with you."
"Uh, when did you start referring to Samus like that?"
"When I became a member of Cadre 3. But enough about me. Sam, what happened to you? Your metal foot is gone, there are spikes growing out of your arms, you have a tail, and your skin is acquiring a scale pattern."
"Yeah. I really don't know anything more than you about this. L-Una, what happened since we last saw each other?"
"After I stepped into the teleporter, by a stroke of divine chance, I ended up in the Sanctuary Fortress on my home planet, Aether, where I had been missing for five quarter-cycles. When my fellow Luminoth heard what had transpired, they were furious. But at the same time, impressed that I had held up under pressure like that. Because I had missed my initiation ceremony due to being, well, you know, I was automatically enlisted into Cadre 3, the Luminoth's extraterrestrial defense force. Nine of my fellow Luminoth and I were sent to the G.F.S. Olympus to talk to Admiral Castor Dane about my, er, training on Tallon III. We had arrived yesterday afternoon, and were scheduled to meet the Admiral today. But then a Space Pirate frigate appeared and boarded us. They sent out horrific creatures that, when killed, transformed into amorphous blobs known as X parasites. The parasites quickly damaged the Olympus. Most of my fellow Luminoth were killed in the fighting. Myself and one other, J-Ora, are the only ones left." I heard a buzzing scream. L-Una looked pale. "Um, now I am the only one remaining. Anyway, what happened to you, Sam?"
"Short version: I ended up on Bryyo, hitched a ride to SR388, fought Samus's doppelgänger, blew up a space station, landed on the Olympus, and am currently undergoing some seriously crazed mutations."
"Wow."
KREEEE! L-Una and I swallowed. That cry sounded eerily familiar. Since life likes making mine hell, the cry was followed up by a very sadistic-looking dragon. "They grow BIGGER versions?" I whined.
"Ah. Samus. Nice to see you. Ooh. I see you brought along a couple friends. A Luminoth, and, ah, I love irony, my son," chuckled the purple monster.
I turned pink. "Wait. Son? Don't throw out damned clichés like that!"
Samus responded by shooting a green missile at him. The dragon merely sliced it out of the air with a tail that looked a lot like mine. "Won't you greet an old friend, Sammy? Or are you just disgusted that I chose to live on in the very beings I usually slaughter? Hmm? I'm surprised you didn't figure it out. I thought for sure that the tail would have given it away by now."
"Hang on! How did you know I was growing a friggin' tail?" I demanded.
"Pshh. I was there when you were captured. I watched my underlings experiment on you. I personally conducted your modifications. After all, Sammy, who better than to conduct modifications than me? Ah ha ha ha haha hahh!" laughed the dragon, wiping his eyes with a very sharp claw.
Samus responded, "When I saw the tail, of course I knew. But why didn't I kill him? Good question, Ridley. If you remember the Super Metroid, maybe then you'll realize why." She followed up with a shot.
"You grew attached? Sammy, I never realized you were one for motherhood. Then again, your 'children' haven't exactly been normal. First a Metroid, now this freak of nature?" mocked the dragon, swiping at her.
L-Una was watching this conflict quietly. While Samus and Ridley were fighting, verbally as well as physically, he muttered, "You have a really dysfunctional family."
"Dysfunctional is a bit of a compliment. Plus, I don't care what he says, that dragon is my father when Diamonts fly," I muttered back.
"Oh, by the way, I think it's time that my son joined the brawl," sneered Ridley. He pulled out a remote from somewhere and pressed a button on it.
We all stood there, save Ridley, who hovered there, furiously slamming the button repeatedly. Finally, I couldn't stand it, and mocked, "Was that supposed to do something?"
Ridley swore, and swallowed the remote. He bellowed, "Screw it! Hey Sammy. Since you've been in so many unannounced explosions, I'll give you a tip: The main reactor is set to go in roughly 57 minutes. Ciao!" With those parting words, Ridley gave a screech, blew fire onto the ceiling, and escaped through the hole. Samus looked up, then turned, saying, "Come on."
"Shouldn't we try to stop the explosion?" wondered L-Una.
"No. Knowing Ridley, it's wired right into the reactor."
She led us out of the room, and into a monster-infested chamber. Multiple X parasites floated around. Upon seeing our motley group, they coalesced into a massive X. Samus wasted no time in launching about eighty missiles at it, obliterating it. We passed through. The next few rooms were filled with more X, who, upon seeing us, also coalesced. They fell quickly. We stepped out into an elevator chamber, and took the lift up. The three of us stood there, waiting. I looked over at Samus and L-Una. Samus seemed to be deep in thought about something. L-Una was murmuring something. The lift reached the Habitation Deck, and we exited into a madhouse. Frantic scientists scurried everywhere, while soldiers were unhelpfully barking orders to shut up and calm down. When one of the scientists exploded to reveal an X, well, things went downhill from there. I'd rather not describe the massacre in the Habitation Deck that we were forced to commit. L-Una, with his [lack of] stomach for death, was turning a brilliant emerald. Samus forced us back onto the lift, where we ascended to the bridge. Upon arriving, we were witness to a horrifying scene. Scientists and soldiers alike had been ripped apart and slaughtered in gruesome ways. One soldier's intestines had been used to strangle him. A hapless scientist had had his pen smashed into his brain. L-Una turned, and we could hear unpleasant sounds coming from his direction. We cautiously moved forward. Samus remarked, "I have a feeling that something ugly is going to happen."
"Gee, what gave it away?" I muttered.
L-Una interjected. "I suspect that it is the observation that all of the humans in this room have been killed in horrific ways."
Samus rolled her eyes, which L-Una didn't seem to notice. We carefully moved towards the far end of the bridge, the command room. The hatch was locked down. L-Una looked at it and said, "We are not alone."
"And how do you… that's a contamination lock, isn't it?" I moaned.
"Yes. Sam, I have a bad feeling about this."
"Well, we can't waste any more time," interrupted Samus. "We have 27 minutes to get to the Docking Bay before this ship goes under."
"How can a starship go, as you say, 'under', when there is nothing to go under?" asked a confused L-Una, to which Samus again rolled her eyes.
GRRUUU….
We all froze, hearing something that most definitely was not friendly. Slowly, we turned. Into the mouth of what would have definitely won the award for 'Most Likely to Rip Your Face Off While You Are Handing It The Award'. It had a bipedal body, and powerful claws and feet. Its face looked like a leech. Samus muttered, "Omega Metroid," as we stared into the mouth of the beast.
It roared, and swiped. We leaped back just in time to avoid it. I brought up my cannon, but Samus shoved it down. She began to shoot blue bursts into the Metroid's chest. It screeched in pain, and staggered back. The Metroid launched a swipe that knocked Samus back. L-Una and I provided some cover fire for her to get up. L-Una's Freeze Gun was working really well. While they took potshots, I fired missiles at it to draw its attention. The Metroid didn't stand a chance. After the battle, we stood, looking at the corpse. Samus bent down, examined it for a minute, and then threw the corpse over her shoulder. "How the heck can you lift that?" I wondered. "Seventeen minutes left," she shot back. Behind us, the hatch to the command room opened. We stepped through. The command room was strewn with bodies. Most were dried husks, some were pure skeletons. I wondered what had caused the skeletons. Samus stooped down beside a husk. She said in a tight voice, "Dane's dead."
We left the bridge for the lift, just barely managing to fit the Metroid in with us. Then, the lift suddenly stopped. Without missing a beat, Samus blew a hole in the floor of the elevator. L-Una peered down through the shaft. "You expect us to jump?"
"Twelve minutes," was the answer. L-Una had a look of fear, but he jumped. I stared down through the shaft, and felt a shove. I toppled in, yelling, "HEY!"
Samus, with her heavier armor, fell faster than us. She grabbed onto a ledge and swung onto it. L-Una reached out, and his momentum drove him into the shaft walls. I managed to angle myself so that I landed on the ledge with Samus. I pulled L-Una up, then we blasted open the doors to the Main Docking Bay. The Bay was empty, devoid of any ships save for Samus's. She carefully looked around, then motioned for us to move. Samus boarded the ship, then L-Una. I took one last look around. Samus called out, "Eight minutes."
I took a step forward, then stopped. CREEAAAK! I looked down, and then swallowed as the floor collapsed underneath me. I plummeted down, screaming, "WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE MEEEEE!" My tail shot out and stabbed into the wall. I swung over into a ventilation shaft. My momentum drove me through the shaft into a laboratory. I clutched my head, looking around. The lab was drenched in a red light. A terminal sat on one end, near a familiar-looking device. I immediately recognized it as a teleporter. Thanking whatever god was willing to keep my alive, I moved to the terminal. I had just three minutes left. The terminal said that the teleporter was functional, but it was set for only one destination. The terminal also refused to tell me where that was. I considered it, then made my decision as a female voice blared, "THERE ARE NOW 75 SECONDS TO MAIN REACTOR MELTDOWN". I activated the teleporter, then threw myself in.
I felt the familiar sensation of teleportation. Then I noticed that I was suspended fifty feet in the air, inside a castle. I fell hard. I stood up shakily, and looked around. I was in a chamber with red carpets, marbled walls, and expensive-looking benches. Nobles and diplomats in garish clothes dotted the chamber, staring at me in fascination. I stared back, forcing most of them to drop their gazes. A few people kept the look. Behind them were funny looking rock men, and fish people. I heard a shing and spun around. A good-looking princess in a pink dress was watching me, while at her side was a cross-dresser in green pointing a sword at me. "I fall from the sky, and instead of helping me up you try to shish-kebab me?" I demanded. "I thought you were nobles or something."
"Who are you?" asked the princess.
"Well, maybe if a certain cross-dresser lowers their sword, I'll introduce myself." The cross-dresser in question looked annoyed, but he lowered it so that it was aimed at my gut and not my neck. "Thank you," I snapped. "I'm Sam. Who are you, and why does the cross-dresser have a sword?"
"I am Zelda, Princess of Hyrule. The 'cross-dresser', as you say, is the Hero of Time."
"The skirt doesn't help."
Next time: Sam's efforts to get back to his own universe are interrupted when a mysterious plague strikes the land. But there's more to this disease than meets the eye, especially for Sam.
Read and review, folks. If you're worried that the plot isn't advancing, don't. Flaming and trolling will be drowned and, um, slain, respectively (unless the troll in question is Kalgrash).