Chapter 13

The Options

"So, Blaine, look at my current options and help me decide on which fuck buddy to take to my Mother's party that will a) creep her out b) get me disowned and c) get me punched in the face. Because I want to humiliate my Mother to the point where she will not even acknowledge the fact that I am her son. Gotcha?"

"…Sebastian—"

"Okay, look. This is John. He can be formal when he wants to but he really likes to tie me up, so I thought that if I can get someone to tie me up at my Mother's party and she finds me, she goes bat-shit crazy—"

"—that man is Dalton's History teacher, oh God."

"We made history at the beginning of the year. Shame he got kicked out. I wonder why."

"Sebastian, you blatantly disturb me."

"And this is my second fuck buddy. Name's Lawson. He's a cop. He made me dress up as a prostitute and all, but I think if I make him fuck me, and they find me, he's a lot likely to lose his job. So Lawson's out."

"…"

"And this is my third fuck buddy, named Bradley. He likes dressing up, and role-playing! Ohh. Do you think that he'll go through with this?"

"No."

"Good point, I haven't had sex with him since September. I think it'll be weird to ask him."

"…"

"And my last fuck buddy is your ex-boyfriend, Kurt Hummel, but I will not take Hummel to my Mother's party. He'll compliment her and she'll ask for when's the wedding and my Dad will buy the ring because he'll be so enthralled that I didn't bring an ex-criminal or a tattoo artist or something."

"Take Kurt."

"You want me to take Hummel to my house? That's insane. My parents will never disown me when they realise how good he is. And ask Kurt to keep me and move to Paris, and make beautiful French children."

"Kurt isn't French."

"When he sees how much my parents will offer him in cash, he'll offer to be an Australian prostitute."

"…my ex-boyfriend is not an Australian prostitute."

"Depends. Do you have his ID like I do?"

"Why do you have Kurt's ID?"

"Because when I get drunk and they find Kurt's ID, they will assume that it is the congressman's son of course, not me. Duh."

"Sebastian, I wonder how many meds you take."

"My therapist refuses to prescribe me any because she believes I have a history of addiction."

"Gee, I wonder where she got that idea from."

"Anyway, I'm not taking your ex-boyfriend aka my fuck buddy Hummel to my Mother's party because if I do, my parents will start pay for Kurt to marry me."

-A Day Later-

"So, how did the party go, Sebastian?"

"Well, Blaine, let me say that when I took Hummel to the party…my Father offered him an entire fortune and a complimentary kitten. He booked us a hotel room and then stood outside whilst we had sex and decided it was so passionate that we were the new Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. My Mother's already deciding what colour sheets I will be fucking him on during our wedding."

"…oh my God."

"I know. She decided peach. How can I fuck Hummel when the sheets are peach?"