Chapter 13

Kai's sexchange.

YAY! I GOT 51 REVIEWS! I'm sooo very sorry for the long wait, I got writter's block not once but twice and some personal/medical matters have been bugging the hell out of me so yes, as the title says there will be a few warnings that I will place later. It's kinda funny since a friend said I should do this idea so I did, I also got a friend to read it and she says it's "disgustingly funny" so yes on with the fic.

Warning; there WILL be some parts that WILL contain some mature themes. It's unavoidable in this case so forgive me if you don't like it.

Disclaimer; I don't own beyblade.

One day Ray and Kai decided they were gonna do a stunt or a series of them that were out of the ordinary and the sane mind for that matter for reasons unknown. The others started calling it the "Moron's Olympics." Cause basically it was two morons competing to see who could do each stunt better. So far they drank epicac to see who could puke the most, the longest, who could spray the most puke, and who's had more chunks and all that jazz, ate exlax and ran, and ate it and shit off a building for some of the same reasons for the puke, had a who could stay naked longer competition, pin the tail on Mr. D and now it was the final stunt, ski off the roof, through the ring of fire and into an inflatable kitty pool.

"Why? Why do I live with moronic, mentally incompetent, hyperactive, dumb, stupid assholes!" Kenny yelled pointing at Kai on skis with Ray beside him.

"Dunno." Tyson answered. Kai and Ray wave.

"Oh good! I'm talking to an ambulance, asylum and the cops!" Hilary yelled holding the phone.

"Hi guys!" Ray says a little too enthusiastically. He gets no response. "Hey! Assholes! I said hi!"

Kai puts his foot in a ski and stands up, "obviously they aren't gonna answer." He says to the pouting neko-jin who's currently jumping up and down.

Ray stops jumping "Well then I'm gonna make them answer! Hey you!" Max looks up, "yah you! I'm gonna teach you assholes that when someone's talking to you, you're gonna answer!" Ray pushes Kai off the roof. Kai goes zooming off the ramp, crashes right into the ring of fire so now he's a flying fireball, and falls into the pool screaming and cursing all the way. The others were screaming and Ray was too scared to scream and he was also shitting his pants cuz as soon as kai regained consciousness, he was going to brutally murder Ray. Our poor Russian was face down in the pool, luckily the fires were out but he was too big for the pool so he's hanging out a lot.

"Oh god! Kai!" Hilary and Kenny run to Kai and get him out of the pool or turn him over at least. Ray also jumps down. Jordan and Max were ripping off Kai's skis and Tyson…he was eating a sandwich and watching this like it was his favourite soap. Everyone could faintly hear the ambulance coming.

"Oh good, now we can see what the damage is." Max says.

Kai chose now to be the perfect time to wake up. "OWW! AHH! HOLY HELL MY ARM! IT FUCKING HURTS!"

Well the ambulance came and they're now at the hospital.

"Your friend here has a broken arm. One is a hairline fracture and the other is a little more serious. Please wait out here until we get his cast on. Just what did you do this time?" Doctor schwegman asked.

"Skied off the roof." Tyson says.

Dr. schwegman shakes his head. "well I'll see you soon." He leaves.

In another room…

Doctor schwegman and a nurse were in a room where Kai was drugged.

"Hi everybody!" a Spanish guy comes in.

"Hello doctor nic." The nurse groans. They put Kai's arm in a cast. Dr. S and the nurse leave for a coffee break. Dr. Nic was the only one in there.

"This is for the time you stole a looney from me!" Dr. Nic says.

Later…

The others walk into a room. Kai looked at them groggly. There was a pause.

"H-Hello Kai…" Ray breaks it not sure if Kai was still mad at him or if he was mad at him.

"Hmph. Ray why did you push me off the roof?" Kai asks.

"Well I had a little catnip and I got caught in the moment…sorry." Ray apologises.

"oh." There was another pause.

"Hey Kai is it me or did your boobs grow bigger?" Max randomly points out.

"They're not boobs!" Kai yells hoarsely.

"Yeah! Max has a point!" Tyson adds.

"So…when are you getting out of the hospital?" Hilary asks.

"Well, I can leave in a few hours." Kai says.

Jordan has a thought, "HEY! This is probably the most you've talked since that incident with-"

"that's cause I'm drugged!"

later they left the hospital and are now watching T.V they were watching an episode of Reno 911 and they just dropped the cat in the air conditioner. Kai stands and leaves the room. 5 min later….

"WHERE'S MY THING?"

"Not it." everyone except for Tyson say.

"Aww…" Tyson walks away. In another 5 minutes both can be heard screaming. So the others came up. The bathroom is closed.

"You're going in. we're not." Jordan says.

"Well why are you here?" Kenny asks.

Morbid curiosity." Hilary answers. So the guys go in, soon followed by more screaming and,

Kenny's voice is heard, "Hil! Jord! You better come in here!"

"No! I don't want to see things I'm not ready for!" Jordan answered.

"That's why we want you in here!" Max answers.

"NEVER!" Jordan yelled

"Ok." Hilary says.

"Hilary! You traitor!" Jordan yelled. Tyson pulled them in. all the men looked horrified and disgusted. Then they saw it. Hilary fainted and Jordan turned away. "So Kai…you really were a girl?"

"No! I'm a guy….or was…someone must've chopped everything off when I was sedated." Kai states. Jordan ran out of the door and shut it.

"So what are we going to do! We gotta change you back! But it would make a good story… 'Kai otherwise known as Kaiya the first beyblader to get a sexchange, Oliver's current sex is unknown." Ray says.

"so that explains the boobs." Tyson comments.

Hilary gets up, "Pinch me." Everyone pinches her.

SLAP! "Tyson you sick bastard! Kai! Would you PLEASE put your pants on?" Hilary yells, (remember Jordan bailed)

After they're all debating on what to do...

"Well first I think we should get Kai a boulder holder." Hilary states.

"A wha?" Kai asks.

"You know a bosom halter." Jordan says.

"You lost us." Tyson says.

Jordan who's always frustrated when she has to deal with stupid people (a.k.a; Tyson) blurted out "A BRA!"

"oh." Everyone says.

"lets go you." Hilary says dragging Kai away, Jordan who was suffering from lack of sleep tiredly followed.

"Ok first we need to measure your size." Jordan says threateningly holding and snapping the tape measure.

"Ok but just don't hit me!"

"Fine." Jordan sighed, "take off the scarf and the vest Kai."

"I knew it! You wanted to rape me!" Kai yells accusingly.

"You must be either really lonely or really stupid to come up with that conclusion." Hilary says then whispers in Kai's ear, "She has other plans, I assure you."

"What kind of plans a-" SNAP! "ow you sadistic bitch."

"Thanks for the complement; you always make my day brighter." Jordan sarcastically spits back before turning to Hilary who cringes, "He's a B cup. I might have a few, do you mind checking your drawer?"

"Sure. Kai! Quit feeling yourself up!" Hilary yells at Kai who's obviously not hiding the fact that he's a male and you can fill in the rest.

So they look and now,

"You can wear your own underwear and you can keep the bras." Hilary sighs.

"Really?" Kai asks. Jordan lifts up her shirt a little to show a boxer elastic. "Sweet!"

Hilary turns to Jordan, "You wear mens boxers?"

"Yah, why do you sound so surprised?"

"I knew you were a tomboy but I never knew you took it that far!"

"I've worn them everyday around the house, how could you not notice?"

"I'm gonna go now." Kai says walking away.

Tomorrow….

It was 6 in the morning and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even- AAAARRRRGGGGGHHH! Ok screw that. The others peeked out of their doors,

"Kai." Ray groaned. Now they could hear many loud thuds. So they walk over to Kai's room, and Kenny Jordan and Hilary team up and shove the others into the room. Now there was sounds of running and screaming and loud thuds like objects being thrown and hitting the wall and Kai yelling "Out! Get the fuck out! I need medical attention!" the door opens and Ray, Max and Tyson come flying out with garbage all over them with goose eggs.

"you go in." Surprisingly Kenny is very strong and pushed Hilary and Jordan in the room.

"………………………..kai?" Hilary called.

"AHHHH! I'M GONNA DIE!" Kai faints.

Hilary and Jordan grimly look at their surroundings. There's blood in random places.

"Oh boy how do we explain this one?" Hilary asks.

"Oh I have my ways. The boys I went to school with before I came here were chauvinistic pigs. I can handle this." Jordan answers.

Kai wakes up and begins to walk out but feels something strange like a diaper. A voice out of the shadows spoke, "Kai don't be alarmed."

"Why the hell shouldn't I be! My shadow's talking to me!" Kai says.

"It's just us. We're here to give you some information that no guy even a he/she would understand but you're gonna sit through this and you are gonna cling on to every word or so help me god I'll hurt you so bad your grandchildren will feel it." Jordan says as she and Hilary step out of Kai's closet.

"Jordan! That's mean! He's in a paranoid state! You don't threaten to beat the snot out of someone who's like that." Hilary states.

"Oh so that's why my brother won't come near me…." Jordan realizes, poking Hilary for not coming up with it sooner, Hilary falls back into the closet.

"So that's how you deal with things? With violence?" Hilary asked getting up.

"Yeah, who made you my mother?"

"So what is this you wanna tell me?" Kai asked.

"Well there's a er…certain period in a girl's life where there's er going to be er changes." Hilary begins.

"One is the menstrual cycle, a pain in the ass." Jordan says.

"Huh? What are you talking about? I accidentally cut my foot trying to get out of bed...not that." Kai explains.

"Well that was a waste of time that I could have used sleeping. Well I'm going to eat breakfast." Jordan leaves.

"see ya later." Hilary says.

At the table…

"Hey guys! My cereal's telling me a message! It says 'oooooooooo'" Tyson happily informs.

"Tyson those are cheerios." Ray groans. Jordan was playing Russian roulette.

Max and Kenny were looking through the business cards. "Hmmm, guess who has a business in gynaecology." Max says.

"Lee." Jordan says.

"Brooklyn." Ray says.

"Ozuma." Hilary says.

"Micheal." Kelly says.

Kai looked a little freaked out "Don't let it be Tala."

Max was all smiles, "yah it's tala."

"Well he's probably our only chance." Hilary wisely says.

"NOOO!" Kai yelled "I'll die like this before I let that idiot operate on me."

"What?" Kenny asked.

"I stole from him when we were 5. and since the cooking show I'm trying to keep a low profile. My male pride is at stake." There was a long silence then Kai added, "What's left of it I mean."

"Well lets give him a call!" Tyson says hyper cuz he ate all his cheerios.

They all crowd around the phone and Jordan puts it on speaker then dials the number.

"What do you want?" Tala asked.

"Really tala is that anyway to treat possible customers?" Hilary scolds.

"What are you? My fucking mother? You shit me out of your womb for this? Fine how's this? How may I help you idiots today?" Tala spits back loaded with sarcasm.

"Tala you fucking ass master why do you have to be such an-"

"TYSON! Oh wait that was…..MAX!" everyone says.

"Oh it's you guys huh? I saw the show, chimpanzees on cocaine could do better in their diapers. Mind you I haven't laughed so much since Kai got chased by all those greyhounds when he accidentely fell in the meat locker." Tala says.

"Look I'm going to be blunt cuz the way these fuckers are going I won't get this out till June 6 2006 then I won't need to…..Tala……can you make a man out of me?" Kai asks.

"What the fuck? Kai...are you gay? I always knew you liked me you putz." Tala says.

"I need a sexchange you moron." Kai states monotonously.

"So you were a girl? That was my other guess cuz you were always antisocial and wouldn't go near the other boys." Tala said.

"No I was born with my nuts it's just that someone chopped them off." Kai states.

Kenny took the liberty of re-telling the strange story. Fast forward it…..(everyone sees the authoress in a tutu… "you didn't see anything…") so now we are 5 minutes into the future and now Tala's laughing his ass off and now he's beginning to choke.

"Oh hell no! Tala? What's wrong? Your blue!" Ming Ming's voice is heard.

"He needs CPR! Or the Heimlich!" Jordan yells.

"But I don't wanna smear my lipstick or break my nails!"

"I swear if you don't do it I'll beat you so bad that you'll need as much plastic surgery as Pamela Anderson!" Ray says.

Everyone gasps.

"Ok!" Ming Ming tries.

"AAAHHH! DISINFECTENT!" Tala yells. He disinfects himself. 2 minutes later.

"Ok so Kai got a sexchange in a hospital without his consent huh?" Tala gets his facts straight.

"Yes so can you do it?" Max asks.

"Sure, 5:00 tomorrow is free. Right after my reverse Mrs. Doubtfire thing someone scheduled…..by the way did I mention the cooking part of the cooking show sucked ass." Tala hanged up.

So everyone suspencfully waited till tomorrow in which nothing really happened….oh wait scratch that a certain someone blabbed Kai's condition (Tala is laughing evily) and almost all the teams came to bug them about the cooking show and to see Kai in his unnatural state.

"yeah and goodbye to you too." Kai groaned a mystel's back.

Everyone looked at the damage, three was vomit all over since Lee and Miguel were hammeted and brought booze, they finished scraping Ming Ming off the ceiling, they went to bed.

It was now 4:45 and they were patiently waiting for Tala and the nurse…………………………………..Gary. Tala pops out and beckons them in. so Hilary was in the hallway cause she'd rather not watch. Ray Jordan and Max were there for moral support and for Jordan….morbid curiosity they left Tyson at Wendy's.

"Ok. Lets get this started." Tala says.

"Full steam ahead!" Kai was given a LOT of morphine.

"Removing item." Tala pulls out a vacuum.

Jordan had a very strange thought, "Tala…you're NOT turned on by all this are you?"

"NO!...ok maybe. What gave you that idea!"

Jordan pointed at the vacuum.

"I TOLD MING MING NOT TO LEAVE THAT LYING AROUND!"

"lets get this over with!" Ray was on a guilt trip.

"Fine." Tala picks up the vacuum.

"Tala, that's the vacuum." Max sighed.

"Oh…..right." Tala pulls out a chainsaw.

If you were outside the room all you would hear (like Kenny & Ming Ming (smooch) ) all you would hear was a big long "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

"Now we're going to stitch him up." Tala informs.

"Is that mine?" Kai asks.

"Believe it or not, it is. I had to kill doctor nic for it though." Tala says.

"Hurry up!" Hilary was heard yelling.

The operation was thankfully a success.

"Ray! You're dead!" Kai runs at Ray with a scalpel. Ray screams like a little girl.

THE END! Sorry if the chappie wasn't very funny oh yeah I was also thinking about changing my pen name. probably not, if I do it'll be something like elemental sage something to do with the elements. I'm not sure. The next chapter is based off of one of the greatest movies of all time….the adam's family values, well at least the camping part. Well please review! I need five then I'll update!