"I just ran into Mikado and he had a rope! He was going to tie me down and do- things! I know because he told me so! He can't lie! How did the disease transfer over to him?"
"I have no idea but this is a wonderful opportunity."
"Opportunity? Opportunity for me to get raped, that's what it is!"
"Now, now. No need to panic."
"Easy for you to say! What am I supposed to do?"
"Use your advantage: namely, you can lie. So you must lie your way into getting him to reveal secrets about Dollars. This is perfect."
"…I hate you. I hope you know that."
"I trust you to do this."
Which meant that Kida was doomed if he failed.
"How can I possibly ferret information when he is planning to rape me?"
"Don't be so dramatic. Just say something like, 'my heart isn't ready yet'. Bet that'll convince him."
"Are you insane? That's encouraging him!"
"It'll gain you time to find out things. Can't have him jumping your bones before that."
"How callous and cruel can you be?"
"You know, for a former gang leader you sure can be a wimp. No offense, I say this to spur you into gaining a backbone one of these days."
"Oh shut up. If you want to find out those things so badly why don't you ask him yourself? He can't lie at the moment!"
"Hmm…no, that wouldn't do. If he told me anything even remotely compromising he'd have to kill me. But he'll tell you everything because he has the hots for you. Who knows, it might even be true love!"
"You are a horrible person."
"But I suppose I should look more into how Mikado acquired this condition. Do you remember how you first got it?"
"I don't know, it just happened. One moment I was fine the other I was unable to lie."
"Not very helpful info."
"Gee, sorry."
"Sarcasm is the hallmark of the immature, Masaomi."
Kida rolled his eyes.
"Whatever. Did you find a way of curing it? Without having sex, that is?"
There was of course Namie's miraculous shots but Izaya was not about to just divulge that.
"Maybe! Tell you what, I'll let you know all about it if you come back with juicy inside information from Mikado. Trust your best friend! It's not as if he'll go all crazy ballpoint pen on you, now is it? Young people are so distrustful and selfish. Think about Mikado's feelings, he must be so sad now."
"Like you care!"
"I am a caring individual, Slave-"
"You said it again! You called me Slave!"
"No. No, I didn't. Why would I call you that? I pay you, Kida-kun."
"A pittance! You said it yourself, you pay me less than the minimum wage!"
"Hard economic times."
"Not for you! You're filthy rich!"
"Be glad you have a job at all considering your qualifications or lack thereof. So less jealousy and more working."
Kida sighed.
"Fine, I'll see what I can do. But if I get raped it'll be on your head!"
"Always shifting responsibility to others. So saddening, Sla-, I mean Kida-kun."
Izaya finished the call and turned to Shizuo.
"Tsk, I think I got into the habit of telling the truth even now!"
"Fucking man slut, that's what you are."
"And that's just the way you like me."
"Bloody hell…"
"No need to worry, I'm your man slut. I won't cheat on you."
"Good- I mean, who the hell cares, we're not dating!"
"Yes. Yes, we are. Resistance is futile, Shizu-chan. I've already posted on my facebook wall so there's no turning back now. The interwebs never forget."
Shizuo started.
"You posted it online that we're dating?"
"Yes! Might as well make it super public. People were a bit surprised."
"Shit!"
"Let's go out, Shizu-chan!"
"What for!"
"It's a date. What else? Your stupidity is one of your charm points but at times it is something of a challenge."
Kida had half a mind to simply ignore Izaya's commands altogether but there was no way he could pay the rent without this month's paycheck. So cursing his unlucky stars he tiptoed around to see that he was not caught by surprise and then called Mikado. It occurred to Kida that he could of course get Mikado to spill the beans over the phone and thus avoid a lot of complications.
"Hi there, Mikado. What's up?"
"Masaomi! Where are you? Wait, no need to tell me, I'll just trace the call. I suspect you won't tell me anyway because you're still a bit freaked out."
Kida started.
"Trace the call? You can do that?"