Chapter 13
"I'm sorry, Lelouch, but she didn't make it. She had lost so much blood."
No.
"She isn't breathing. Lelouch, C.C. isn't breathing!"
No.
"Why didn't you save her big brother? You're always too late!"
Stop.
"This is my good bye, Lelouch. Let's see each other again."
Don't go.
He tries to shout, to scream, and follow her but his lips are sealed and his feet are stuck on the ground. He looks down and finds chains around his ankles.
She's disappearing. Her back is slowly fading away.
Wait!
She turns her head and shows him an ambiguous smile.
Stop walking away! Wait, Cera!
He lifts his hand and tries to reach her but it is no use. She is already so far, too far and translucent. Why is she translucent? Why can he see through her?
"Because I am dead, Lelouch. What you are seeing is my soul. You have to let go."
No!
No!
Let him speak, please.
Don't go, C.C.!
"Don't leave me!"
Lelouch gasps for air desperately, his chest rises and falls like he just run a marathon. He grabs his hair and realizes that he is sweating so hard. What was that? A nightmare? But if felt so real. It felt like he really was losing her forever.
"Lelouch? What happened?"
Relief washes over him as soon as he hears her voice. When he feels her touch his hand, he can finally breathe normally again.
He slowly turns and sees her sitting beside him, a book on her lap. The bright sunlight creates a golden halo around her rivaling her own golden worried eyes. Just like an angel. He shakes his head. No, she can't be an angel yet.
"A nightmare. "
"Who is leaving?"
You. But he can't tell her that and make her worry again. She has been worrying about him these past four days of her stay in the hospital when she should just be focusing on getting better.
He gives her a false smile. "I can't remember. Anyway, have you eaten? You should have waken me up." He glances at the clock. It's nine in the morning. "It's late."
"I already ate. Marianne and the nurse came here a while ago. She brought meals for you." She gestures to a basket on top of the long table.
"I see. I'll just wash up. Call me at once when you need me, okay?"
"Okay."
Gathering his change of clothes, he proceeds to the bathroom and takes a shower to clear his head. He needs to get it together for he has just started. He hasn't even faced Mao properly and he can't show up before him weak and unstable. As soon as he is finished, he makes an important call.
"Lelouch?"
"Suzaku, how are things over there?" he asks as he inspects his unshaven chin on the mirror. It feels rough and itchy under his fingers.
"Everything is quite normal. Gino and Xingke finished their reports. I'll deliver it personally later."
"I see. And Mao?"
"Alive enough to go through another day, but his body is too bruised and wounded now. I actually just got out of his cell."
Lelouch gets the shaver from the cabinet above the mirror and turns it on. "Good. Let me talk to him."
"Okay."
From the other side, he hears footsteps then the sound of scraping metals. Putting his phone on speaker, he evenly applies shaving cream on the lower part of his face as Suzaku's voice returns but the knight isn't talking to him. "Lelouch wants to talk to you."
A grunt in response.
"You can speak now, Lelouch, though I can't assure you that he will respond."
"Fine by me… Mao, it's me Lelouch. How are you?"
No response.
"Do you still have ten fingers on you? Oh, wait, it's the fourth day. I shall correct my question then. How does it feel to lose your fingernails one by one?" He starts shaving the skin under his chin and the tingling sensation compliments his slowly boiling blood from within. "Does it hurt like hell as Suzaku pull your nail agonizingly slow that you can feel the root detaching from your flesh deliberately?"
A whimper.
"I wonder how loud your scream was during the whole process, or perhaps you have already lost your voice long ago, hmmm?"
Silence.
"I see." Lelouch narrows his eyes and concentrates on shaving the thin skin of his lower cheeks. This is the part which he always cut if he is careless. "I heard that you were still able to stand after getting soaked with hot water the other day. I admire your resiliency, but I wonder how long it will last because I am just starting. We're not even at the tip of the iceberg yet."
"…C.?"
"What is it?"
"H-How… is C.C.?" Mao asks so weakly.
Lelouch stops shaving and turns off the device. Calmly, he places it at the top of the sink and answers, "C.C. is dead to you. You killed her and you cannot bring her back. It is your fault that you lost her, your own hands have her blood on them."
"N-No."
"Yes." He grips the edge of the sink tightly and stares at his dark reflection. "And you will never see her again. Ever. You will not speak of her name nor think of her. You lost your right to breathe the same air the moment you began thinking of and planning evil things that you wanted to do to her. Do you understand?"
"S-Stop!"
"She is not existing in your world now and you will stop existing on hers. Permanently."
"That's not true! I love her! We will be together!"
"Really? But she chose me, remember? She didn't choose you and she will never choose you, Mao. It will be me and only me."
And he disconnects the call while Mao is screaming at the other side. It's quite exhausting, playing mind games with him, but it's the purest form of torture to a psychopath like Mao. He just feels guilty though, that he needed to use C.C.'s name to taunt him. If only there is another way to mess with his mind, he would gladly take it. But C.C. is Mao's world. It is only through her that he can destroy him. Into pieces.
Once he is done in the bathroom, he returns to the room where C.C. asks him for a walk outside.
Or more likely, Lelouch is pushing her wheelchair to the hospital garden for the wounds on her feet are not yet healed.
The warm sun ray feels so refreshing after being stuck in the air conditioned room for four days. Being under it also makes Lelouch realize how paler C.C.'s skin have become. She looks transparent under the sun light, almost like a ghost.
They settle on a bench where Lelouch parks the wheelchair beside it and assists C.C. on sitting beside him. There is a moment of peaceful silence before C.C. asks the question.
"I think it's time for you to tell me the truth. What happened to Mao, Lelouch?"
The prince looks out at the great expanse of the garden. They are the only people here. The hospital was ordered to make this area off limits to the other patients to prevent leakage of the situation to the public. The media won't also be able to penetrate the heightened security in the hospital.
Without glancing at her, he answers, "As I've told you before, he is away from you."
"But where? Is he in police custody?"
He doesn't answer.
C.C. then asks slowly, "Are the police even involved? No one from the police has asked for my testimony yet and it's been four days. Lelouch… why were you in the vicinity of the rest house that night? Look at me."
He looks at her.
"Where is he, Lelouch?" she pleads.
"You don't have to stress yourself over this matter. Let me handle him."
"So you do have him."
The prince stiffens. He has been careless.
It C.C.'s turn to look away and stare at the little fountain in the middle of the garden. "What do you plan to do with him?" She laughs a bitter laugh. "I'm asking the wrong question. What have you been doing to him?"
"C.C..."
"Are you staining your hands with his blood? Does his misery flow in your veins now? Do you feel satisfied hearing him in pain?"
"He deserves all the pain and misery he is experiencing right now. We found evidence against him enough to make a man curse him to Hell."
"'We'? Let me guess, Suzaku is in this, too." She shakes her head with a smile then whispers, "I don't like this."
What? Of all people, he thought C.C. would understand his actions the most. But what is this?
Lelouch stands up infront of her and spreads his arms. "Don't you want to have your revenge after almost killing you twice? Don't you want to make him suffer just like how you had suffered when you thought you're going to die? He stalked you, invaded your privacy, and left a permanent scar on you, C.C. A permanent scar, for God's sake, that almost killed you!"
C.C. looks up to him, her amber eyes burning with emotions. "I want to, Lelouch, but not like this. Not when you're going to be a bad person - a monster, because of me."
"All of us have their dark sides and this is mine. This is the only method that I know and if you can't accept that, well, I'm sorry but I'm not going to stop until he is barely breathing and pleading on his hands and knees."
"I didn't ask for this. You're the one who decided everything."
He clasps his trembling hands behind him and stares down at her, his heart beating rapidly with this whirlwind of emotions because why can't she understand his feelings? "You should have been thankful that we found you just in time or else - "
" - or else I would be dead by now, right?"
Wait.
"So I owe you my life now, Lelouch? Well, thank you very much then. You are my hero, my savior. Should I built a statue for you?" she sarcastically says but the hurt in her eyes is clear and undeniable.
"That's not what - "
"I'm going in."
He quickly tries to assist her when she attempts to stand up but the lady glares at him. Uselessly standing there, he watches her walk on her tiptoes until she is able to sit on the wheelchair.
With only one hand, she maneuvers the chair but it is obvious that the act is too difficult for her to do.
Grabbing the handle, the prince bends down and silently asks, "Let me do this please."
C.C. doesn't move for a while for a few seconds before nodding.
The walk back to the room is both quiet and solemn. Lelouch's mind is suddenly blank and without noticing it, they are by the bed and C.C. is refusing his help again.
"I need time to think," she says without looking at him.
Lelouch nods numbly. "I'll just be on the other room. If you - "
"I'm fine."
"Okay."
It's odd, but the prince does not feel anything. He does not feel angry, sad, or resentful regarding C.C.'s disagreement with his actions. Instead, there's a void in his chest that fuels him to move and continue what he has been doing without thinking of what other people will say. Even, C.C. Even though she is clearly mad at him. But no, he calls Suzaku while signing some papers and inquires what time he will deliver the reports.
When the knight comes in the afternoon with a confused look on his face clearly sensing that something is going on between his two friends, Lelouch just shrugs and lays out the plans for the following days.
The next day, the prince and the witch barely say a word to each other. When the twins come to visit at noon, they both pretend that everything is normal.
C.C., however seems to find an easier way to avoid him by sleeping too much, Lelouch is actually worried her body clock is already messed up.
This charade goes on until their last day in the hospital and finally, finally, C.C. is released.
What should be a happy and celebratory occasion becomes strained and cold between them, and by now, even the Royal Family notices the awkwardness in the atmosphere whenever they are around each other.
And with C.C. returning to her old room, the empress couldn't help but pull her son to the library and ask him what the problem is.
Lelouch sighs. He feels exhausted these past few days. Since they are not talking to each other to be exact. A heavy feeling had permanently settled on his shoulders making him tired all the time. He could blame the pending documents to which he poured most of his times lately but he knows that's not the real reason why.
"What's the matter between you and C.C.?" his mother worriedly inquires.
Lelouch looks down and gets distracted by the white feather on the floor. Where did that come from?
"She doesn't agree with what I am doing with Mao."
"I don't either."
The prince looks up and it takes everything to not roll his eyes if only it is not deemed disrespectful. "Well, thank you for the vote of confidence, Mother."
It is the empress's turn to sigh.
"You need to determine which truly is your intention of exacting violence for another violence. Are you doing this for C.C. or does your personal vendetta have trumped your sight?"
"What do you mean? Of course I am doing this for C.C. - for Cera. I love her dearly, Mother, and I wouldn't let anything bad that was done to her just passed by like a wind."
The blunt, unexpected and somewhat light declaration of endearment on the part of the prince evidently surprises the Empress that she is rendered speechless for a moment before resuming the conversation.
She touches her son's stiff shoulder and wonders if he really is taking everything smoothly just as what he had been showing them.
"Perhaps, a moment of separation between the two of you is necessary to collect your thoughts and emotions. The incident is clearly taking its toll on you emotionally. Your sole focus these past weeks has been her and Mao. Isn't it time that you let yourself think of your well-being?"
Lelouch grumbles. "How can I do that when I am just about to start confronting Mao? I... I get why she's mad at me. I get it. But why can't she understand where I am coming from? Of all people, she should have understood the most, Mother." He slumps on the chair and holds his head in between his hands.
"What exactly did she tell you?"
"That she didn't like it if it would turn me into a monster of a person. But I've come so far. I've got Mao vulnerable in my hands."
He doesn't witness the soft smile that appears on his mother's face nor the endearing look that graces her purple eyes. Suddenly, she feels calm and assured upon hearing his words. She is certain by then, that their dear Cera will take good care of the future emperor.
Quietly, she goes to her son and pulls her head to her stomach where he was once nurtured and treasured. Running her fingers through his raven hair, she says, "Love is such a complicated thing isn't it? It brings out the best and worst part of ourselves. It is a struggle but it also offers the sweetest victory. You just have to hold on, Lelouch. If she is worth it, you have to hold on."
"She is," he whispers.
Oh, she is about to tear up. At this moment, it completely dawns on Marianne that her first-borne is not a baby anymore - that he had grown to be a gentleman, the future emperor of Britannia, and who is inlove with his best friend. Ah, her children are growing up too fast. The empress suddenly feels sad.
After that heartwarming conversation with the empress, Lelouch stands infront of C.C.'s closed door wondering if she is having a good rest to ease the pain her injuries have been causing. He wonders if her personal nurse is being attentive on her needs properly. He hasn't seen her eat any pizza, he should ask the chef to cook one tomorrow.
He stands there and wonders why, aside from that little rant he did to his mother, he still feels determined to finish what he had started even though it will lead him farther away from her.
Perhaps the empress is right about him being trumped by his own vendetta. Perhaps he is doing it for his own peace of mind for when Mao completely breaks in his hands, he can absolutely assure C.C.'s safety for a while, if not forever.
Perhaps, he is being completely selfish with all of these.
Sighing, he leaves and proceeds to his room where he rests for a few hours before going down to the cells to finally face Mao.
"Euphy, how is your relationship with Suzaku?"
The pink-haired girl looks up from the blue glove that she is knitting and stares curiously at C.C., surprised with the unexpected question coming from her companion.
Tapping her cheek, she says thoughtfully, "Well, we get along so well. Every time spent with him felt like my heart would burst. But the good and giddy kind of burst, you know what I mean? He is so caring and gentle to me, too, and I really like that." An adorable blush peppers her cheeks that C.C. cannot help but smile fondly at the duchess.
"Is he treating you right?"
"Yes."
"Hmmmm… But what happen when you fight? I mean, you fight, right?"
"Well of course! But not the heavy kind of fight. We had little misunderstandings here and there but we quickly reconcile."
C.C. nods. "I see." Of course, a couple as bright and cheerful as Suzaku and Euphy won't have a problem as dark as hers and Lelouch's. Wait, they are not a couple yet, why is she talking like this?
Peeking at her with worried eyes, Euphy inquires, "Why C.C.? Don't tell me that you have a secret boyfriend and you're having a fight now? Who is he?"
She just raises an eyebrow. "I don't have a boyfriend. I'm just curious, that's all."
"Huh, but I noticed that you and Lelouch are not in speaking terms these past few days," she huffs. "Did something happen?"
She shrugs and looks out the window of her room. It's unusually bright for an afternoon today.
"Is he being rude to you even though you're injured?"
She shakes her head.
"Does he continue to nag and scold you?"
She shakes her head.
"Oh, I know! He refused to buy you pizza! Ugh, how can he be so inconsiderate?"
"That's not it." She clears her throat.
"Huh? Oh, uhmmm, what about… C.C.? C.C. why are you crying?"
The duchess immediately sits by her side and rubs her back. C.C. cannot believe it. She is actually crying infront of other people because of a boy – because of a stupidly stubborn yet remarkable boy. But her heart has been heavy and dull ever since their last conversation and she has been holding her emotions back just to make them believe that everything is okay. But fighting with and not talking to Lelouch for days is not very much okay in her dictionary.
"It's that serious?" Euphy whispers.
Not able to utter a word, C.C. simply nods.
"Whose fault is it?"
"I... I don't know."
Euphy feels overwhelmed with the sudden display of emotion of her friend. For as long as she had known her, this is the first time she had seen C.C. cry. C.C. who is almost always nonchalant about the things around her, who Euphy always considers more of an observant who finds amusement in awkward situations. The duchess is out of her league here yet somehow, she feels honored that her friend chooses to confide to her. So she tries her best to give her a helpful advise.
"Whatever it is about, I'm pretty sure the both of you would meet halfway in the end. I mean, it's the two of you. But..." Kind old Euphy retrieves her handkerchief from her pocket and gently wipes C.C.'s tears away. "But it must have been painful for the both of you to not talk this long especially with the recent events. I think... You must be honest with your feelings for you to truly touch someone's heart. I see that my cousin is struggling, too, yet you two chose to avoid the subject and hold everything in. C.C..." Holding her face in her hands, Euphy advises, "Sometimes you need to let go."
That night, C.C. hugs Cheese-kun so tightly and pretends another warm body is lying beside her. The urge to go to his room and to lie on his bed is so strong she finds her hand wrapped around the knob before stopping herself.
When she goes back to bed, she contemplates on every harmful thing Mao had done to her and tries to put her feet on Lelouch's shoes.
Yes, she might have reacted the same as him - resentful, furious, and vengeful. But will she resolve to violence just to equalize the pain he had experienced? C.C. doesn't know. She may be. She's not a thoroughly righteous person anyway. Flaws and imperfections marred her skin. But knowing that her action might hurt Lelouch, too is enough for her not to continue with it. And the prince does the opposite of that.
But she also said those ungrateful things to him. She is thankful, truly, genuinely thankful to him and Suzaku for saving her life, but instead, what did she do? She threw those words at him like an accusation - as if them saving her is nothing but a nuisance. The way his eyes dulled told her that the damage had been done.
Ah, her heart hurts.
Perhaps she is being selfish with how she only thinks of the guilt herself is carrying for being the cause of Lelouch's actions. Selfish for refusing to accept that he indeed is capable of doing these and that the kind, thoughtful prince she had known since childhood possesses a darker side even she cannot penetrate.
Perhaps she is too selfish to want to protect him from himself.
C.C. eventually falls asleep with thoughts of selfishness, what if's and Lelouch clouding her mind.
Lelouch vi Britannia is not a violent person. Never in his life has he lay his hands upon someone because of intense anger and disappointment no matter how rational it could be. His twin siblings look up to him as a gentle and understanding older brother whom they can come to for their problems and doubts. The emperor and the empress had trusted him to make wise decisions for their country because as they stated before, he has a leveled head open to understand the workings of the government, the people and the land.
But tonight, Lelouch vi Britannia will stop being gentle. Tonight, the prince will cease to be understanding to any appeal the white haired man slumped infront of him will ask.
Tonight, Lelouch vi Britannia will wear a mask of violence.
As he retrieves the whip from the boiling water especially customized for this confrontation - with hot melted shards of glass attached to its length, the prince looks down at Mao and all he could think of is, I'm sorry, Cera, but I don't feel an ounce of pity for this bastard.
And with all his strength, he whips him so hard that Mao's back arcs to more than 90° and his painful howl echoes in the middle of the night. The melted glasses leave red marks on his skin, while some of the shards never leave his skin.
The prince dips the whip back into the hot water and stares down at the pathetic figure on the floor.
Pity? Mao doesn't deserve any pity when all Lelouch can think of whenever he lays his eyes on him are C.C.'s scar on her chest that he even hadn't seen, those disrespectful pictures of hers, the way her eyes had wondered how she had survived losing so much blood during the first attack, and her bloody unconscious image when Suzaku found her.
Pity? There is no room for pity here. Only raw, unadulterated vengeance.
Oh, C.C. is going to hate him more. She might not consider him as a suitor after this. Now, that would be a pity.
He whips him for the second time, the third, the fourth – ignorant of the wails and screams from his subject, until he has lost count and sweat is dripping from his forehead. Huh, he should have tied his hair for this. He only stops when Suzaku removes him from his trance and finds that Mao's back is red and bloody and full of raised welts.
But it does not stop there. He opens his hand and his knight places ten heavy rings which the prince wears in each of his fingers. With them on, he rains punches on Mao's face - punches digging into his flesh and bones, cracking his skin and jaw. Lelouch is not the best fighter out there, but he manages to make Mao's saliva bloody red.
And the prince never once utter C.C.'s name before him for he is serious when he said that she will be dead to the other man. In this cell, in this darkness, there is only him and Mao and revenge.
In this cell, in this darkness, blood flows from the prince's hands.
Princess Shirley is tad worried. More than a week has passed and the prince hasn't gotten back to her. Maybe he is quite busy these days. She gathers that the Britannia University will resume its classes soon and he might have been occupied by his studies being an honor student and all. Her call must have slipped his mind.
But, his situation with C.C. must have something to do with his silence. Have they addressed the issue already? Has C.C. been honest with him? But what really is the truth? Mao hasn't contacted her yet after that night and she can't reach his number, too for more than a week now. What had happened after she left? Did everything turn out alright?
The heavy feeling she had felt on their way home didn't leave her until a few days later. She tried to call C.C. but even her phone was unreachable. Shirley still worried how she was after the confrontation with Mao. To be fair, the lady had been nothing but kind and sincere to her during their brief meeting. Almost like a friend that she still couldn't believe Mao's accusation until now. She must have been mad at her for setting her up with him without any warning.
Where is Mao anyway? She had easily trusted his words and stories but now, after not being in contact with him for quite a while, she feels rather unsettled with how the things turned out.
Everyone is gone.
Everyone is unreachable.
She would have liked to call the prince again but afraid that she might come across as impatient and demanding. And perhaps, he is aware by now that she is involved to whatever happened between Mao and C.C. Oh God, he might be angry with her, too. Furious even for ruining their friendship. What should she do?
The Tianzi hasn't contacted her, too and the king is annoyed by the silence from the side of the Chinese Federation when they are about to forge the "strongest partnership among the nations". He thought she was making friends with the Tianzi but why aren't they responding to their requests lately? She even talked to the Tianzi's adviser but what happened? The king is disappointed with her daughter. When he thought that she was blooming into one good ruler, she failed to accomplish this simple task.
The pressure on Shirley's shoulders is too much for her to handle. She is trying her best, she wanted to say but by just looking up at her father's disdainful eyes – those eyes that had always looked at her kindly and fondly, she is immediately rendered silent. The queen had not said a single word to defend her that night.
Hearing Lulu's voice even for just a second will bring her strength, but all she can do now is wait.
Wait for Mao to contact her.
Wait for the Tianzi to respond to their requests.
Wait for C.C. to confront her for her association with Mao.
Wait for Lulu to call her back.
Shirley sighs. At least the king is right about one thing. She is indeed one useless princess.