"So what's it like being out?"
It was a particularly hot summer in Possum Springs. It was the kind of summer that made Casey wish they had a local ice cream place. Closest place to get ice cream was out near Hunwick, and that was a little bit of a drive.
So, instead of ice cream, Casey was cooling down with a nice, refreshing cigarette.
Casey wasn't the brightest tool in the shed. He wasn't going to deny that.
When Germ asked his question, Casey took his cigarette out and looked over at his little friend. Casey had come out to the tracks to smoke, like he often did when he needed to clear his head, and Germ had just sort of showed up. Germ kind of did that a lot.
"Well, it's only been a few weeks," Casey said, "so, so far it just feels like a normal summer vacation. I mean, there's this weird feelin' of, like… freedom? Other'n that, though, it's same old, same old."
Casey had surprised more than a few people by making it to his high school graduation. Hell, he'd surprised himself. High school had been a drag, and he'd thought of dropping out more than once. The only reason he'd stuck it out had been for his mom, and, to a lesser extent, Sam.
"Can't wait 'till I'm out," Germ said. "High school's garbage."
"It really is," Casey sighed. "But yeah, once you graduate, everyone in our group'll be out."
"I'm not really in the group," Germ pointed out. "I just hang out with you and Gregg."
That was sort of true. Germ had just started hanging around them one day. None of them had really minded, though. Casey actually really liked the little weirdo. It was good to hang with someone else who could actually skate.
"You're basically in the group," Casey said. "Hell, if you was musical, you'd be in the band."
"I'm bad at music," Germ said. He didn't sound ashamed. Germ never sounded ashamed. He was very certain of himself. Casey kind of envied that. Half the time, Casey didn't feel certain about anything.
"I remember," Casey said. When Mae had left for college, they'd invited Germ to try out for bass. He'd played three notes before they begged him to stop, and as far as Casey knew, he hadn't picked up an instrument again since.
The band had carried on. A bass wasn't really necessary for a band, after all. Without Mae, though, something about the band felt hollow. It was still fun, sure, but Casey still missed Mae. He hoped she'd be coming home for summer break. She hadn't shown up during spring break, for some reason.
Maybe she was just busy with new college friends? The idea made Casey a little bit jealous, but as long as Mae was happy, that was okay. She was off getting all smart and successful. Probably dating someone who was in an underground fight club. That had basically been her dream.
Casey didn't have much in the way of dreams. For now, his biggest dream was getting out of Possum Springs.
Germ was just staring at him. Casey was used to that. A lot of people were probably put off by Germ's weird, quiet intensity, but Casey didn't mind most of the time. Casey liked the quiet.
Casey removed the cigarette again and took in a deep breath of smoke. This was probably gonna lead to health problems later in life, but Casey seriously doubted he'd make it past 30 anyway. He'd been acting out quite a bit lately, and that was going to lead to him either going to jail or getting shot by Mae's grumpy aunt.
"You know what's bullshit?" Casey asked, unprompted. "Scooters. Not, like, motorized scooters, but the ones you push with your feet. Who came up with those?"
"I think they're kinda cool," Germ said. He didn't seem confused by this sudden topic change.
"They aren't," Casey said. "They're the bastard children of bikes and boards. They're skinny skateboards with a stick attached. No amount of sick tricks'll convince me otherwise, Germ."
Germ didn't say anything to this. Casey took that to mean he'd made his point and that scooters were dead now.
"Come on," Casey said. "Let's do some skatin'."
In the ever-widening sinkhole that had been named Possum Springs, there weren't a lot of places where one could skate to destroy and/or create. That is, there weren't a lot of safe places. But out by the old Glass Factory, or near Sawmill Park? Those were primo skating spots.
Also, a good place to get tetanus or something.
Today, though, Casey didn't feel like hiking out to one of those spots. In that case, the best place to skate was the abandoned basketball courts up by the Food Donkey. By the time they got there, though, Casey realized that they could skate in the parking lot if they wanted to. The Food Donkey was nearly abandoned. Only a few cars were scattered around the vast parking lot.
"Jeez," Casey mused. "Ham Panther's bleeding this place dry."
Their boards tucked under their arms, the two skaters made their way across the black pavement, to the old basketball court. It didn't have any sick ramps, or cool rails, but it did have some decent space. Besides, Casey wasn't super good at grinding.
Insert sex joke here. Heh.
"You wanna try jumpin' some cars later?" Casey asked as they made their way up the stairs, to the blacktop.
"No," Germ said.
Casey shrugged. "Yeah, me neither, I guess. Got in trouble for it last time. Sam chewed me out for it. He said I can't keep pullin' this shit now that I'm 18." He rolled his eyes. Casey appreciated that his stepdad was worried about him, but Casey felt like he'd kinda missed the boat on fatherly advice.
"You'd go to jail," Germ said, tossing his skateboard onto the blacktop. Casey followed suit.
"I'd be runnin' the place inside of a week," Casey said. "I'd fix me a shiv and go to town on one'a the perverts they got locked up in there."
That seemed like a pretty sound strategy, right? Casey's cousin, who'd been to jail, had said that the best way to earn respect was to shank someone the eff up. Then again, Casey's cousin had only gone to jail for a DUI, so maybe he didn't know what he was talking about.
"Do you think about going to jail a lot?" Germ asked. He had one foot on his board, and was idly pushing it back and forth.
Casey shrugged. "I mean, I'm no idiot. I know it's probably gonna happen," he said. "I'm a born outlaw, Germ. I started doin' crimes soon as I was born. Soon as I came out, I pointed a knife at the doctor, and he was all, 'Oh, shit, crime baby!'"
Germ didn't react. He either didn't think Casey's story was funny, didn't know Casey was joking, or was thinking about something else. Probably the last one.
"You're killin' me, Germ," Casey said with a sigh.
Their talking done, the two friends got to skating. They did all of the tricks. Their boards did flipping stuff, and jumping stuff and anyone watching would have been really impressed. You might think that this description is kind of a vague copout, but it's not. It's a really good description of skateboarding.
They'd moved onto skating around the parking lot by the time Casey ate it. His board's wheel must have hit some uneven patch of pavement, and Casey was thrown off his board. He fell face-first into the side of someone's red sedan.
As Casey's face slid down the car's exterior, he wondered if he'd ever own a cool car. Also, he wondered if he'd knocked a tooth loose. Something wet and was pouring from his nose. He tasted something coppery in his mouth.
Casey let loose a low hiss of pain. He curled up, his hands covering his face. Yup. His nose was busted pretty bad. He ran his tongue around the inside of his mouth and tasted blood. None of his teeth hurt, though. That was good. He wouldn't need a dentist appointment, hopefully.
Through the pain, Casey heard the sound of a board rolling towards him. "Hey," Germ said. "Nice face-plant. You okay?"
No, he wasn't. His entire face was throbbing, blood was streaming down his face, and they hadn't even gotten the wipeout on video. Whatever. Casey'd crashed harder than this. Lots harder.
"I'll live," he grumbled. He sat up, still covering his face. Slowly, he lowered his hands while Germ watched on. Casey saw with some dismay that his palms were red with blood.
"Shit," Casey grumbled. "How's it look? Bad? Is my nose all effed up?"
Germ studied Casey for a moment. "I mean, you're all bloody and stuff, but other than that you look normal."
Well, that was a relief. "Sweet," Casey said. "You got a phone, Germ? Take a picture of my gross bloodface."
"Who in Possum Springs has a phone?" Germ asked. "We have no reception."
"I mean, the Turner twins have phones," Casey argued. "That girl Jackie had a phone. But she's in college now, so I don't know why I brought her up."
In truth, Casey knew exactly why he'd brought Jackie up of all people. His face hurt too much to really think about his dumb crushes, though. Germ hopped off his board and took a seat beside his injured friend. Casey laughed appreciatively.
"Man, I gotta show this shit to Gregg," he said. "Like, seriously, how red is my face?"
"It's like a big, gross triangle," Germ said. "It's already starting to look all crusty and shit."
"Awesome," Casey laughed.
The two sat with their backs against the red sedan. The throbbing pain had subsided, replaced by a mild stinging sensation. His nose started to feel stuffy as the bleeding came to a stop. Casey made a mental note to check out his reflection in the car's mirror once his head stopped pounding. He probably looked metal as hell.
Casey wasn't sure how much time passed. He might have dozed off. The owner of the sedan didn't come out and ask why there was Hartley-blood on the side of his car, anyway. Eventually, when the pain had died down enough, Casey stood up, stretching as he did so.
Casey glanced over at the car's driver side window. He liked what he saw. It was a gross, crusty, black and red triangle all over the lower half of his face. Maybe Casey was too old to get excited over awful injuries, but it wasn't like there was a lot else going on. You had to find your own fun in Possum Springs.
The owner of the sedan never showed up. Once Casey started feeling better, he and Germ headed into the Food Donkey to wash up Casey's bloody face. They got a few odd looks going in. One lady looked as if she was gonna pass out. In the end, though, they did what they had to do, and soon they were on their way to the bridge on the edge of town.
The bridge was an okay place to skate. Cars didn't pass through Possum Springs that often, so there was usually lots of space. You had to be careful, though, or your skateboard could fall off the bridge, into the ravine below.
Today, though, Casey didn't feel like skating on the bridge. Instead, he and Germ sat on one of the railings, looking out at the ravine as it stretched out along the horizon. Some people probably loved this view. For Casey, though? It was just another part of this dead end town.
For some reason, a song started running through Casey's head. It wasn't a song that had ever been played. It was something he'd written a few years ago, when the band was just starting out. A song about how this town made Casey feel.
It had been called 'Born to Lose'. Every day, that phrase seemed to sum up Casey's life more and more.
"You ever think 'bout the future, Germ?" Casey asked. He glanced over to see that his younger friend was staring forward, his expression blank. He did that a lot. He wasn't looking at anything in particular; Germ was just taking everything in.
When Jeremy didn't respond, Casey continued. "I feel like the only time I had a plan for the future was when I was a kid," he said. "Even then, it wasn't a plan. It was a goal. I had a picture of what I wanted. And as I got older, that picture got blurrier and blurrier. Like, I started realizing I never had a chance."
Casey sighed. "And I probably never will, either."
"You're a real downer today," Germ said. "Did hitting that car, like, scramble your brain or something?"
Casey sighed. Having a heart-to-heart with Germ felt kind of like talking to a brick wall. He always listened, sure, but it was tricky knowing how supportive he was actually being. The dude just didn't emote as much as other people. It was like, instead of reacting to things, he observed them.
Or something.
"Everyone else's goin' somewhere," Casey explained. "Gregg and Angus have their apartment, Mae has college… What've I got? I've got some drums and a boat my shitty dad left me."
"I like your boat," Germ said. Casey presumed this was Germ's way of trying to reassure him. Casey appreciated the effort.
"That boat is literally the only good thing my bio dad ever did for me," Casey grumbled. "Like, after years of treating me and mom like shit, he thought, 'Hey, if I die, how can I make it up to my kid? Oh, I know! I'll give him a boat!' I ain't complaining, though."
"You shouldn't complain about boats," Germ said wisely. Casey thought this was good advice.
"My point is, I'm stuck in this dumbass town," Casey said. He looked down at his feet. Below him was the ravine that ran along the edge of town. Every now and then a drifter or homeless person's body would be found down there. Usually, it'd be after a flood, or some other intense weather.
"All people do in this town are die or get old," Casey sighed.
Casey lifted his head and saw Germ was staring at him. The little guy actually looked concerned. That was unusual. Germ's change in expression was so strange that Casey almost didn't know how to respond. He chuckled, and smiled sheepishly.
"Sorry," he said. "Got to being kind of a bummer there at the end, huh?"
"You okay, dude?" Germ asked.
Casey didn't like how Germ was staring at him. It was like the little guy could stare right through Casey's skin, and could see all the shit floating around in Casey's head. It was a little spooky. Casey'd never been creeped out by Germ before, but this whole thing was genuinely upsetting.
"I'm fine," Casey lied. He tried to laugh and brush it off, but it came out sounding forced and fake. "Just got a lot on my mind, is all."
"Yeah, clearly," Germ said. He was quiet for a bit. It was a heavy silence, and Casey didn't like it. Finally, Germ spoke. "Hey, you're not, like… gonna do something bad to yourself, are you?"
Casey blinked. He didn't quite understand. "What, like when I crashed into that car earlier today?" He asked. "I mean, something like that's gonna happen in the future, probably."
This answer didn't seem to satisfy Germ, whose worried look didn't diminish. "You've just seemed really… I dunno, you've been a real downer lately. Pessimistic."
Pessimistic didn't seem like the right word. Casey thought he was being fairly realistic. What was there for him in this crappy, dying little town? All Casey had were his mom, his stepdad, and Gregg and Angus. If any of them left like Mae, Casey didn't know what he'd do.
He could run away, maybe. Hop a train and go to some big city. Play drums on a sidewalk for cash and live on the rails. Get laid in all fifty states. His own personal dream.
Casey wished it was that easy. He couldn't just up and leave his mom, though. Back when they had to put up with Bio Dad, Casey and his mom were all each other had. They hadn't just been mother and son; they'd been a team. They'd been each other's support. Bio Dad dying, Casey turning into a delinquent, and Sam coming into their lives hadn't changed that.
So he was stuck here. Casey didn't want to break his mom's heart by leaving. So, if it kept her happy, Casey would stay in this shitty town forever. And Casey would be hopeless forever.
People did stupid things when they were hopeless.
The walk back to Casey's place was a long one. Plenty of time to talk. Talking was most of what they did. Casey was more than happy to avoid going back to the earlier conversation about his alleged pessimism.
"You got any plans for the summer?" Casey asked. His hands were in his hoodie's front pockets, and his board was tucked under his arm. "Like, I don't know a lot about your family, Germ. Do you guys go on vacation at all?"
"I went to the beach once and got stung by a jellyfish," Germ said.
Casey wasn't sure if that was a yes or a no. He decided to chalk it up as a neutral answer.
"Sam talked about doin' something," Casey said. "He's prob'ly not gonna get time off, though. Looks like I'm stuck here for the summer again. Ain't that a thing?"
"Why don't you do something with…" Germ paused. The name didn't seem to be coming to him right away. "What's her name? Your girlfriend. The one you told me you took to senior prom."
Oh, right, Liz. Things had not gone well with Liz Hutchins. Things tended to not go well in Casey's relationships. Casey knew he had issues with relationships, but couldn't really bring himself to do anything about those problems. That was probably bad, huh?
"Liz wasn't really my girlfriend," Casey said slowly. "She was just a girl who I took to prom and then cried when I stopped talking to her." Oh, wow, that sounded awful when he said it out loud.
It wasn't Casey's fault that girls put more weight on relationships than he did. Right? Probably right. Probably.
Whatever. Casey had only just gotten out of high school. He had plenty of time to figure relationship shit out.
"You ever been in a relationship, Germ?" Casey asked. He had a feeling he already knew the answer, though.
"Nah," Germ said. "Haven't liked anyone all that much. I'm more into, like, skateboards and stuff. Like, I dunno. Haven't met anyone I really click with, or whatever."
"You'd probably click with someone if you weren't such an enigmatic li'l weirdo," Casey said. Germ didn't respond. Casey silently hoped he hadn't offended the little guy. Germ seemed to be taking it well, but who knew?
They walked in silence for a while further until they came to the Clik Clak Diner. Casey knew Germ lived somewhere out past the Food Donkey. That was about it. Casey's own home was out by the tracks, in the dirt poor neighborhood.
Well, one of the dirt poor neighborhoods. There were a couple of those in Possum Springs.
"Feels like nothin' really happened today," Casey mused. "Well, 'sides from me busting up my face." He frowned a bit. Was this what his future going to be like? Day after day of doing nothing?
"Is that a bad thing?" Germ asked.
Casey shrugged. It didn't feel like a good thing, that was for sure. It felt like all Casey had going on in his life was a lot of nothing. This town, his relationships, and even the things he did for fun all felt like nothing. It was all just stuff. No substance and no meaning.
More and more, Casey felt like there was no point to the things he used to enjoy. That made him angry. One day, he thought, that anger was going to lead to him getting arrested or worse. If Casey couldn't find some meaning in his life, he'd wind up a scumbag like his dad, or a criminal like his cousin.
"Well," Germ said after a bit, "I gotta go. Spaghetti night. My uncles are comin' over, too."
"Oh, yeah," Casey said, his mind still on other things. "See ya."
But Germ had already turned and walked away. Casey still didn't really get that guy. He had a feeling he never would. Germ was his own man, even if he lived at home. Germ didn't seem to have the same kinds of hang-ups as Casey. Germ didn't seem like he wanted to smash all the windows in town and steal a cop car.
Casey didn't know why he wanted to act out. It didn't occur to him that he might be struggling with depression. Casey Hartley didn't have a good idea of what depression was, after all. If he did know what it was, he would have described it as the way he felt when he thought about the future.
And for Casey Hartley, who by now had less than a year to live, the future didn't seem to hold any promises.