It has been forever. I know. Read and let me know what you think. I hope everyone likes this one! Apologies for any mistakes. I am beyond the point of exhaustion. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own or have any affiliation to Chicago PD, its writers, cast or crew.
It was nearing six o'clock that evening when Jay walked up to Erin at the front of the bullpen. She had just closed a file and plopped it down on the top of her desk before she shut down her computer and looked up at him with a tired smile.
"Ready to go?" He asked her.
"Just give me one more minute?"
Jay nodded and watched on as Erin stood from her chair and made her way towards Voight's office. She knocked once and when he waved her in, she entered and closed the door behind her.
"What's up?" Hank asked her leaning back in his chair.
"I have a favor to ask."
"Ask away," Hank told her.
"Jay's coming over tonight. We're gonna have dinner together," Erin said meeting Hank's eyes with hers.
"What exactly is the favor?"
Erin swallowed nervously. "Well, I decided I'm gonna do what you and Dr. Aldman suggested. I'm gonna cut him some slack. Try to let him in some more."
A small smile came over Hank's face as nodded, seeming to understand her not-yet-spoken request. "And you want me to give you some privacy. Is that it?"
Erin swallowed again. "If you wouldn't mind or we can go to his place if you prefer. Doesn't matter."
Hank shook his head, still smiling. "You two can have the house. I was gonna go out with Al anyways. Probably be late when I get back. Do what you gotta do."
"You're sure you don't mind?" Erin asked.
Hank nodded. "It's about time the two of you really talk. Go on. Get outta here. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Thank you," Erin told him with a small smile. He nodded once more and then she walked out of his office.
"All set?" Jay asked her as she approached him.
"Yeah, let's go," she said. She grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair, and then the pair walked through the pen and down the back stairwell to exit through the garage.
As they walked to the car, Erin snuck a glance at Jay. His hands were shoved in his jeans pockets and he kept his eyes straight ahead even when he spoke.
"So, food first then Molly's or Molly's first then food?" He asked her.
"Maybe we could skip Molly's tonight."
Jay turned his head raised an eyebrow at her. "I thought you said – "
"I know what I said, but I've been thinking about it all afternoon and maybe you're right. Maybe it is too soon. Maybe it's not such a good idea right now."
"Are you sure?" Jay asked her just as they reached the Chrysler.
Erin nodded. "I'm sure there will be plenty of other nights to go to Molly's with the team. Plus it'll probably be crowded and I'm kind of exhausted. I already told Kim before she left not to expect us."
Jay smiled at her across the top of the car and Erin found herself smiling back at him.
"Alright then. Come on," he told her. She nodded one more time before the two of them settled inside the car and buckled themselves in.
The drive to Voight's house was quiet as it usually was in the car, but Jay could sense a shift between himself and Erin; he just wasn't too sure if it was the good kind, or the bad kind. After their conversations in the break room today he wasn't quite sure what to expect with her once they were alone again and talking. He was still kicking himself for being an idiot and kissing her the way he did. His palms became sweaty at the memory and even though a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth he internally groaned to himself. He just hoped Erin would actually talk to him like she had said she would. Icing him out would only get them nowhere and he wanted them moving forward, not staying stuck in the past.
A few minutes later Jay pulled up alongside the curb in front of Hank's house and put the car in park before he cut the engine. The pair got out and walked up the pathway, and then the steps of the porch before Erin pulled out her key ring to unlock the door. She pushed the front door open and the two entered the house, shrugging off their jackets in the entryway.
"What are you hungry for?" Jay asked as he followed Erin into the living room. She sat down on the couch and pulled off her boots as Jay pulled out his phone from his back pocket, and then sat down beside her.
Erin shrugged pulling her legs up onto the couch and leaning back into the cushions. "I could go for some pizza."
Jay chuckled. "Hawaiian?"
Erin nodded quickly. "Extra –"
"Pineapple. I know," Jay cut her off, smiling at her as he dialed their favorite parlor to order a pie for them.
Thirty minutes later the two of them were scarfing down on their pizza on the living room sofa. There was a movie playing in the background on the television, but neither Jay nor Erin were paying attention to it. They sat facing one another on the couch, an open pizza box between them and a couple of bottles of water sat on the coffee table for them.
"So, what's Voight up to tonight?" Jay asked after he swallowed a bite of his crust.
"I don't know actually. All he told me was that he was going out with Olinsky so who knows. I sort of kicked him out so we could be alone to talk."
Jay raised his eyebrows, smirking at her from his end of the couch. "You kicked Hank Voight out of his own house? Damn."
Erin rolled her eyes. "Okay, I didn't actually kick him out, but I did ask for some privacy."
"And he agreed so easily?"
Erin shrugged. "I think he's starting to develop a bit of a crush on you to be honest. He's uh, he's really gunning for you it seems. In a good way, of course."
"Should I be at all nervous about that though?"
Erin shook her head. "He uh, he told me how excited you are about the baby. He suggested that maybe I should cut you some slack, and then my session this morning made me realize that he's right."
Jay nodded slowly, but stayed silent as he kept his eyes on Erin. She dropped her head and picked at a loose thread on her sleeve for a moment before she looked back up at Jay. She was met with a soft gaze and it was enough to make her start talking again.
"I'm sorry for icing you out. I'll admit that at times it was intentional. I just – I didn't know how to deal with any of it. I kept being horrible to you because I thought it was just easier that way. I thought it was easier to blame someone else other than myself. I'm sorry for hurting you. I know I've really messed up, but I am gonna try harder to be better."
Jay let out a deep breath, as if he had been holding it in the entire time Erin had been speaking. He nodded his head at her before he reached for the pizza box and moved it to the coffee table. Once that was out of his way he reached for one of Erin's hands, squeezing it softly in his.
"Why do you think Nadia's death was your fault, Erin?" Jay asked then.
Erin swallowed hard, most definitely not anticipating him to ask that question. She took a deep breath once and then again.
"Because I pissed off Yates," Erin told him. She took another quick breath before she started to speak again, already feeling the sting of tears in the corners of her eyes. "I got under his skin and he took Nadia to get back at me. At least that's what I thought. And maybe he did. Maybe that's exactly what happened and I'll never know for sure, but maybe it's better that way."
Jay shook his head at her and squeezed her hand again. "I hate that you blame yourself. You did everything you could. We all did. We all loved Nadia, and we all miss her, but you were at that trial, Erin. You saw and heard what happened. Nadia didn't let him break her despite the horrible things he did to her. She fought him until the very end and that is why he didn't win. That is why that bastard is going to be haunted every day for the rest of his life while he sits in a jail cell. Because of Nadia. Because he knows he didn't break her and that is going to bother him every single day until the moment he stops breathing."
Erin was crying now. Hard sobs that made both her hands and her heart and her whole body shake with an indescribable ache. She sniffed and continued to cry, and when she opened her mouth, strangled words fell out threw her parted lips. "She did fight back, didn't she?"
Jay nodded with tears in his own eyes as he watched Erin breakdown in front of him. He held onto both her hands now and held on tightly. "She fought so hard, Erin. You know she was a fighter. She was strong and determined and smart, and you helped her become those things. You gave her a chance. You saw something in her and you saved her. Baby, you saved Nadia."
Erin's tears continue to fall and her whole body still shook as she looked down in her lap. She tried to take a few deep breaths, but they only ended up being broken gasps for air. Jay released one of her hands and tugged on the other one, trying to pull her towards him. Erin looked up and met his eyes, and it was then he really saw just how broken she was, how guilty she seemed to feel.
"Baby, come here," he said to her. He tugged on her hand once more and she leaned up on her knees and crawled the short distance towards him. He lay on his back and pulled her down with him. She was half lying on top of him, half cuddled into his side. His arm wrapped around her shoulders and the other rested so that his hand was on her back. He held her against him and Erin gripped the front of his t-shirt tightly as she cried into his shoulder.
Erin sniffled a few times and tried to take a few deep breaths again. She sniffled once more before she looked up at Jay. She tried to sit up, but Jay wouldn't let her. He just held her tighter.
"I'm ruining your shirt," Erin said.
"I don't care about my shirt," Jay told her.
He moved his hand that was on Erin's back underneath her sweatshirt and moved his fingers over her skin hoping it would relax her. A few minutes later Erin was able to breathe without gasping, only hiccupping every now and then. She still held onto Jay with one hand while she kept the other wedged between their bodies.
"Jay?" She mumbled a few quiet moments later.
"Hmmm?"
"Are you scared?" Erin asked him.
"About?"
"The baby. About being a dad."
Jay took in a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. He continued his motions over Erin's warm skin with his fingers. "Yeah, I am. A lot actually."
"Really?"
Jay nodded against her. "Yeah."
"Why are you so scared?"
Jay sighed then, swallowing hard. Erin lifted her eyes and stared at him, watching the hollow of his throat bob up, and then down.
"Please tell me," Erin said quietly.
"I'm mostly scared because of how closed off you've seemed about the baby. I get this feeling in my chest sometimes. Makes me nervous. Makes me feel like you hate me, like you can't even stand to be around me. I know I've kind of been overbearing and I'm sorry for that. I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you into anything, I just I don't know. Am I making any sense at all here?"
Erin nodded, offering a small smile. "I get it, but you don't have to be nervous. I don't hate you, Jay. I could never hate you. Besides, I've needed a strong hand ya know? I've felt kinda lost lately. If it wasn't for you or Voight or Liv I don't know what I would do."
Erin released his shirt and reached her hand up to stroke the side of Jay's face. "And you're not forcing me into anything either."
"I just don't want you to regret any of it later or resent me for it," Jay said.
"Why would I?" Erin asked.
Jay sighed, pulling his hand from Erin's back and moving it to hold the side of her head. His fingers raked through her dark blond hair and he dropped a kiss into her tresses.
"I've never told anyone this. Not Tony or Allie. Anyone. The only people that know are my family, but even still Will and I don't really talk about it," Jay said quietly.
Erin nodded and pulled herself up then. Jay followed suit and the two sat facing one another once again. Erin reached an arm out and grabbed onto one of Jay's hands. She gripped it tightly before looking up at him. "Tell me."
Jay sighed, breathing out deeply and swallowed nervously as he locked eyes with Erin. "Before we found out my mom was sick she found out that she was pregnant. I was a senior in high school. Will was a sophomore. We were all really excited, except for Will. He complained about being the Jan Brady of the family, but I was over the moon excited at the possibility of having another brother, you know? When mom went for her three month checkup they found lumps in both of her breasts. She thought it was just because of the pregnancy. A month after that once all the tests were done and the results came back she was officially diagnosed with breast cancer. When she went in for a consultation exam to discuss treatment she told her doctors she didn't want any treatment until after the baby was born. My dad was furious. I remember him yelling at her and calling her crazy, that they could have another baby if she wanted. A couple weeks of him hounding her and making her feel terrible she gave in. My dad made her have an abortion and even though I know his reasons were from a good place, he didn't wanna lose her, I don't think mom ever truly forgave him."
By the time Jay had finished speaking Erin had tears rolling down her cheeks and Jay had tears of his own in his eyes. Erin used her free hand to wipe hers away and sniffed several times. She squeezed Jay's hand as she still held it tightly in her other hand.
"I am so sorry, Jay," she whispered.
Jay stayed quiet, trying to keep himself from having a breakdown of his own at the memory of his mother. He felt Erin squeeze his hand again and he squeezed back, keeping his eyes on her.
"That's why you didn't want me to have an abortion," Erin stated, finally understanding everything.
Jay nodded slowly and took a deep breath. "After the baby was gone my mom just got worse. As if my dad had taken away her will to fight. And when she did die, I think my dad died too. He just checked out, ya know? He threw money at Will and me like it was supposed to substitute being our dad. I know my mom regretted ending that pregnancy. I remember her saying once, 'it's what your father wants' and she resented him afterwards until the day she died. I didn't want that for you. I don't want that for you ever. To feel that pain, the guilt. You've been through enough."
Erin nodded, unsure of what words would be right to say, and instead just squeezed Jay's hand in hers once more. Jay moved his thumb over the top of Erin's hand, grazing her skin slowly back and forth. They kept their eyes on one another, unblinking for several moments as Jay opened his mouth to speak again with a small smile on his face now. "I also kind of don't hate the idea of you and me having a kid together. It's not the worst thing that could happen. I know you're scared because of your mom and your past, but I want our baby. I don't care about professionalism or conventionalism, or the timing. I just care about you. You and our son. God, I still can't believe it's a boy. I'm really excited."
The grin on Jay's face made Erin smile widely for a moment until she rolled her eyes playfully and shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, I kind of gathered that when you assaulted me earlier at the district."
Jay's smile dropped as quick as it appeared at Erin's words and the memory of what had transpired earlier between them. She immediately regretted saying a word about it; even if it was in a teasing manner. She reached between herself and Jay to grab his other hand, now holding them both and squeezed.
"It's sweet that you're so excited. I like seeing that smile on your face," she told him quietly hoping she hadn't upset him too badly.
The corners of Jay's mouth twitched and his frown turned upwards in the slightest. "I just wanna be there."
Erin scrunched her eyebrows together, curious. "What do you mean?"
"Even before my mom got sick and passed away my dad was always seemed to be so busy. Mom's the one that I remember always being around. Joking with us. Holding us when we were upset. Baking cookies for my little league bake sale. Taking us tux shopping for homecoming and prom. Helping us pick out the right corsage for our dates. Just being there for us, ya know? Just spending time with us. I want to be there for everything. Every milestone. Every skinned knee. Every game or piano recital or play that he's in. I just wanna be there. I want him to know that I'm with him through everything and that I'm on his side. I don't want him to ever have the same doubts we had growing up with my dad and your mom."
More tears filled Erin's eyes, ready to fall at any second, until her mouth broke out in a wide grin and she stayed quiet.
"What?" Jay asked her. He quickly noticed her silence and smile, and it made him feel almost nervous.
Erin shook her head, dropping her gaze from Jay's and released one of his hands while she pulled his other towards her. She lifted the hem of her sweater and set Jay's hand against her stomach, holding it just above where her bellybutton was located. Erin laid Jay's hand flat against her skin and pressed down. She felt another jolt much like the one she'd just felt moments before and continued smiling as she looked back up at Jay.
"I think our son wants that too," Erin whispered.
"Is that – that was him?" Jay asked, completely fascinated and stunned.
Erin nodded, as the fresh tears fell from her eyes and Jay's face lit up so bright it actually made her cheeks ache from smiling so big.
"He's telling you he agrees with you," Erin whispered, letting out a light laugh as she felt the pressure again from inside her stomach.
Jay kept his hand on Erin's skin and lifted his other to the grasp the back of her neck. He pulled her towards him with a tender hold and brought his lips to her forehead. He pecked her skin twice with soft kisses before releasing her and locking their eyes on one another again.
"That was incredible. Why'd he stop?" Jay asked, completely intrigued as he maneuvered his hand all along Erin's belly.
"I think he's done for right now," Erin said, not missing the look of sheer disappointment that crossed Jay's face. She let out another laugh and rested her hand on top of his that was still splayed across her belly. "But I promise I'll tell you as soon as he starts up again."
Jay smiled again and nodded, retracting his hand and running it over the back of his head. "Thank you for letting me feel that."
Erin nodded her head. "You're welcome."
Jay sighed deeply, a smile still on his face. "The only thing left for us to figure out is where we're gonna live once this kid gets here. It's only a few more months."
"My apartment is bigger than yours," Erin said without realizing.
Jay looked at her, a nervous grin on his face. "While your apartment is bigger than mine, yes, we still need something just a little bit bigger. Don't you think?"
Erin shrugged, not fully picking up what he was saying to her. "Why would we?"
"Well, I would need a bedroom. Unless you're gonna make me sleep on your living room couch for the next eighteen years," Jay joked, laughing.
It clicked as soon as he said the words. He wanted his own room. His own space. Space away from her. Having sex, getting pregnant, sharing a baby was fine, but he didn't want to share a bedroom with her?
Erin mentally shook it off, not wanting to let her disappointment show. Instead she forced a smile and nodded her head at him.
"Yeah, you're right. I didn't even think of that. We'll have to find something else. Something with three bedrooms for sure," she told him.
She lied even though she knew she shouldn't because the few steps of progress they had made tonight was just completely pushed ten steps back. She kept the smile on her face, hoping to mask the disheartening look she just knew was in her eyes. Jay nodded, smiling back at her, completely delusional of the hurt she was feeling.
Erin kept her smile going as she pulled herself out of Jay's hold and reached for the remote on the coffee table. She turned the volume up on the television and settled back against the cushions. She felt Jay's hand on her knee a moment later. He squeezed gently and then lifted her eyes to meet his. Jay smiled at her sweetly and she smiled back at him because it's all she could think to do. She didn't tell him how he was wrong. How the two bedrooms at her apartment were perfect for them. A room for her and him, and one for their son. She didn't tell him how upset she was right then, how hurt she really felt. She didn't tell him how letting him in was one of the most difficult things she's ever done, but she did it anyway because she loved his smile and she loved him. She didn't tell him how she knew she had Voight, but she was lucky to have him too, because he made her feel so damn special.
Instead, Erin turned her eyes back to the television to try and focus on some nonsense movie playing on the screen. But all she could think about was the little family that was so close to really being hers; the life she wanted more than anything growing up. The happy image she had envisioned in her head seemed to disappear quicker than she had even dreamed it up.
Erin felt a tug on her hand then and pulled her eyes from the television back to Jay's face. He held his arm out as a silent invitation and she gave him another small smile despite the ache she felt in her chest. She leaned into him, allowing her body to rest lax against his side, and Jay brought his arm down around Erin's shoulders and squeezed her against him.
"You okay?" Jay asked quietly. His hand disappeared beneath her sweatshirt and his fingers danced in circles on her skin.
Erin didn't respond. She stayed silent as she replayed the events of the day over and over in her head. She kept hearing Jay's words and Dr. Aldman's words, and then she felt another squeeze – only this time to her shoulder. She lifted her head and met Jay's eyes.
"Hmmm?"
"You spaced out. You okay?" He asked her again.
Erin heard her therapist in her head again. "Let him in. Let him in. Let him in."
"Erin?" Jay called to her.
"We can choose one of our apartments to live in."
Jay quirked an eyebrow at her sudden admission. "What?"
"Either one of our apartments would be enough space for the three of us," she told him.
"That came out of nowhere," Jay said.
"We can choose one of our apartments," Erin said again with a shrug of her shoulders.
"You're just saying that because you like sleeping with me," Jay joked, not thinking she was serious.
"Well, you do make for a good pillow and personal space heater," Erin threw back at him with a teasing voice.
Jay laughed and Erin smiled as she felt the vibrations of his chest beneath her cheek. She looked up at him again and raised a hand to run a finger over his cheek.
"It may not be professional or conventional, but who cares?"
Jay raised an eyebrow, immediately recognizing his words from earlier and swallowed nervously. "You're sure? It would mean-"
"I know what it means," Erin told him.
She lifted her head then from Jay's chest to look him in the eyes. They stared at one another in silence as Erin leaned in closer towards him slowly.
"I wanna do something," she whispered.
"What's that?" Jay asked quietly.
Erin hovered over him for a few seconds before she dropped her head and fused their lips together in a slow kiss. It was over before either of them had really wanted it to be, but as Erin pulled her mouth away from Jay's she moved her lips to the side and pecked his cheek.
"What was that for?" Jay asked her. He held her cheek with one hand in a gentle hold, keeping her face just inches away above his.
Erin shrugged as she settled back down into Jay's side, but she kept her head tilted and her eyes on his.
"I wanted to. Was that okay?" Erin asked him.
Jay smiled at her nervousness - Erin Lindsay wasn't the kind of woman to be nervous around anyone, let alone a man, but she was around him.
Jay nodded in response to her question and then Erin dropped her head back down to his shoulder. She nestled against him as close as she could and Jay lifted his hand to Erin's head to rake his fingers through her hair. He heard the intake of breath she took and then heard the yawn that escaped her as they laid together on the couch.
"Why don't we get you to bed, huh?" Jay suggested.
Erin nodded once. "I'm so tired."
"I know you are. Come on. Let's get you upstairs."
Erin lifted herself up from Jay's chest and he followed right behind her, and they both stood on their feet. Jay quickly took note of Erin's stumbling, tired steps and stepped behind her. He reached his hands out to her waist and steadied her stance. She looked over her shoulder with a grateful smile and brought a hand to her side to rest on top of Jay's, but he pulled his hands out of her reach. He stood beside Erin and wrapped an arm around her waist before he dropped his the other to the back of her knees and scooped her up into his arms.
"Jay, put me down. I can make it up the stairs. I'm too heavy for you to carry," she argued, but Jay rolled his eyes and headed for the stairs anyway.
"Hush," Jay told her.
He carried her up the stairs easily and made his way to the room he knew she was staying in. He nudged the half open bedroom door with one of his feet and carried Erin into the room. He set her down on top of the bed in a sitting position and grabbed the hem of her sweatshirt. He pulled it up, forcing Erin to lift her arms, and Jay removed it, dropping it to the floor. She sat in front of him in a white tank top and jeans. Jay kneeled down in front of her at the side of the bed and unbuttoned her jeans before he undid the zipper. He noticed the tight red marks strewn across the bottom of Erin's waist as he pulled the jeans down her legs one at a time. He dropped the denim to the floor, and then nudged Erin onto her back.
"No more jeans for you unless they're from a maternity section," Jay told her.
Erin huffed an annoyed sigh as Jay pulled the covers out from under her, and then up and over her small frame.
"Get some sleep. I'll clean up downstairs."
"You should stay tonight," Erin said.
Jay shook his head, despite the ache he felt in his chest at doing so. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Erin."
She shook her head at him this time and reached out towards him. She gripped his wrist and tugged him closer towards her. "Stay. Please?"
"I'll stay until you fall asleep," Jay compromised.
Jay pulled his wrist from her grasp and walked around to the other side of the queen sized bed. He laid down beside her, extending his arm out and Erin immediately turned to face him. She snuggled into his side, nestling her head back into the crevice between his neck and shoulder, and Jay dropped his arm around her. She shook her head again.
"Stay with us," Erin whispered into his neck. The warmth of her breath and the vibration of her words near his ear made goosebumps prick Jay's skin.
"Stay with us," Erin said once more into the darkness.
Jay conceded, deciding he'd deal with Voight in the morning, and nodded his head above hers, squeezing her against him. "I'll stay."
"Good," Erin said, a content sigh following a second later.
Jay's hand dropped to her backside and slipped beneath the tank top she wore. His finger danced along the skin of Erin's lower back and as he did so he could tell she was beginning to drift in and out of it. Her grip on his shirt fell lax and her head became heavier against the crook of his neck.
"Can I tell you a secret?" She asked him then.
"You know you can," he told her softly.
"I sleep better knowing you're next to me, and that scares me almost as much as being someone's mom does."
Jay smiled even though she couldn't see him and he kissed the top of Erin's head.
"You're going to be the best mom," he whispered throughout the room.
Erin hummed an incoherent slur and moved her hand up to the other side of Jay's neck. "I have another secret."
"Tell me," Jay coaxed.
"I really like it when you call me baby."
Jay smiled wider, letting a low chuckle of satisfaction vibrate through his chest. "Yeah?"
Erin nodded against him, her fingers still grazing the skin of his neck. "Any other time I've heard it from some guy they made it sound like I was their property or something. You know about my past with Charlie. But when you say it the way you do, I don't know. It sounds different and I like it. It makes me feel special."
Jay lifted his free hand from his side and moved it to his neck to grab a hold of Erin's. He brought it back to the middle of his chest and gave it a light squeeze. "You are special, and I like saying it."
Jay kept Erin's hand in his and kissed the top of her head once more. She sighed another content breath.
"One more secret," Erin whispered, the spell of sleep hitting her hard.
"Hmmm?" Jay hummed, feeling sleep beginning to hit him as well.
It was a sleepy slur of just three syllables, but Jay heard Erin clear as day as she mumbled, "I love you."