Ikari Session #01
W: Hello Shinji. How are you?
S: I'm okay...
(pause)
W: You gave everyone a bit of a scare, running off like that.
S: I'm sorry.
W: It's perfectly alright. As long as you're safe. Everyone needs to take a walk sometimes, it helps ease the mind.
(pause)
W: Word is, though, that you're leaving us.
(long pause)
S: I just...can't do it. I'm not strong enough to pilot the EVA. I'm not good enough.
(pause)
W: I'll be honest with you, Shinji...If I were in your shoes, I would run as far away from here as possible. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to Rei. You're children. You deserve to be children for as long as you can, especially in the world we're in today. I look at the two of you, being groomed for war...and I'm disheartened by it. If I could take your pain away, believe me, I would...But I can't, sadly. This task, for whatever reason...is only left in the hands of you youth.
(pause)
S: I never should have come.
W: So why did you?
S: Because...
(pause)
S: Because my father needed me.
W: Ahhh, the things we do for our fathers. Even if they don't always deserve our attention.
S: I thought he finally needed me...but it was just to pilot that thing...and fight.
W: You're angry with him? For asking you for this after years of not seeing you?
(pause)
S: A little...but mostly, I just...want to make him proud...make him want me around...
(pause)
S: Do you know, Doctor...what it's like, to have a father that just...completely abandons you? Ignores you for years? Do you know what it's like for your father to abandon you?
W: Of course I do. My father was a drunkard.
(long pause)
W: He would beat me when he was drunk, ignore me when he was sober, which he hardly ever was. My mother, bless her soul, had the good fortune to leave him, but not the good fortune to take me with her. So I bore that burden for several years after she was gone. He would blame me for her leaving, for us being poor, for the bills...for everything, really.
(long pause)
S: How did you...
W: Bear it? Well, in my mind, I held on to the belief that none of it was my fault. Abuse victims so often hear they are at fault for so long that eventually they believe it to be true. They believe they deserve what happens to them. But I would not allow myself to go down that route, because there's no turning back once you do. My best friend at the time helped me to overcome that. She believed I could beat it. And so did I.
S: So what happened?
W: Well, when I was sixteen- not much older than yourself- I finally put my foot down. He had been laid off for the fifth time in three months, for being drunk on the job. He came home, bottle in hand, yelling about dinner that I had forgotten to make. He threw the bottle at me...but I didn't even flinch. He took a swing at me, and I caught it and forced him back. I told him, sternly, that I loved him, but I hated the man he was. I had had enough. And so I packed my things and left, all the while with him yelling at me about how ungrateful I was. But HE was the ungrateful one. He let his family slip away from him for...pride, selfishness, whatever reason you can think of. And in the end, I don't think he had anyone.
(pause)
W: Fathers don't always know what's best for their children, Shinji. And they don't always recognize the good fortune they have with their children. But it's not your responsibility to put on a show for him. You need to set your own course.
S: But I want...I want to make him happy.
W: If that is truly what you desire, then I will try to help you in it in any way I can. But...keep in mind that you must do what is best for you. And that might not include him. And if it comes down to pleasing him and doing what is best for your own well-being...well, I will hope you'll know what to do when that time comes.
(pause)
W: Our time is up. I'm hoping this is not truly good-bye, Shinji. I feel we are finally starting to get to know each other.
S: I don't know...I'll think about it...I don't know where else I'd go, but...it's not home here.
W: Home is wherever you make it, Shinji. With whomever you feel you want to share your life with, with people who care. Family or no.
(pause, sound of chairs scraping)
W: If this is good-bye for now, then good luck. But I hope to see you around. I think the world can expect great things from you, Shinji Ikari.
S: I...thank you.
(sound of door opening)
S: Doctor McPhearson?
W: Yes, my boy?
S: Did you ever...
(pause)
S: Did you and your father ever reconcile? Did you ever talk to him again?
(long pause)
W: No...no, my father was killed during the Second Impact, when I was eighteen...I lost a good many people that day...
(long pause)
S: I'm sorry.
W: It's quite alright. It was a lifetime ago...and I've grown past it. As will you.
(pause, sound of door closing. Sigh)
Well, Katie...off he goes...whatever he does now, I just...hope he does it for himself...
End recording.