Day 14 (4:10 a.m.)
Saga rarely saw the sun rise. He was always too late, in sleep's embrace when it showered him in light.
His eyes would always open when the sun was at its worst, scrutinizing and highlighting all his flaws. And soon even that harsh warmth would turn frigid.
He would lie there letting the sun escape him, watching the pitiful last rays of the sun as it drifted away from him. And then night would arrive. It wasn't obvious at first. The blinding strength of the sun would make you forget that it would soon become dark, but it would...with the light slowly fading until your vision became blurred...with shadows echoing from the moon.
The moon was but a memory during the day, but in the dark, it would shine hopelessly, unable to penetrate the solid cold blackness of the sky.
But today, the cold night called him awake. By tickling him on the nose. Or maybe that was Onodera's hair. And he lie there, thinking that the sun would rise soon and he would be there. That he had always been there...just asleep. He listened to the sound of the brown-haired man's breathing. The slight pitter patter of his heart echoing through his chest to Saga's. It was so sweet and honest, the music inside him.
Saga soaked in the warmth that even a slight shift would make dissipate into the night air. The smooth skin. The soft hair. The weight of something warm enough to warm the numbness in him. How could he describe how frightened he was of this giddy feeling...of this slight light headedness that left him speechless...
Saga pressed his cheek against the top of Onodera's head and his lips against the silky hair and his warmth. And Saga closed his eyes.
(5:47 a.m.)
Saga woke up to something being rubbed on his wrists. To him, rubbing was a sexual action that happened between two people during intercourse. Thrusting too, but rubbing was just as good. And the ridiculous person in front of him was rubbing scab-itch relief on his wrist and hand as though his life depended on his ability to make Saga's skin absorb a bottle of lotion. It made him want to tease him for being so serious.
Saga didn't open his eyes, but instead let Onodera's gentle, soft hands rub the cream in tiny circles against his skin. It gave him little shivers, the nerves in his wrist were heightened, each sensation burning yet ticklish. This teasing gentleness made him want to touch Onodera all the more. Wrap his arms around his slim waist. Press his lips against his and pry it open. Lift up his shirt to feel the burn of skin on skin. Sink his face into the crook of Onodera's neck and breath in the heat and scent.
Saga wondered lazily if his thoughts would continue in this direction and if he was that horny. He did usually spend most nights in others' beds.
Withdrawal symptoms?
Finally, when he thought Onodera was going way overboard with the amount of cream slopped on, he popped his eyes open and knocked Onodera lightly on the head.
"Hello? Anyone there?"
Ritsu blushed and backed away, dropping the container, "M-morning."
Saga got up slightly and leaned his head on his propped up elbow. "So, what indecent things were you doing to me while I slept unsuspectingly?"
Ritsu blushed and backed away further.
Sure he had had some thoughts, but he hadn't actually done anything...
"N-no."
"Really?"
Saga moved closer and Ritsu, his legs glued in place, moved his torso further and further back, until, he flopped onto the ground, eyes wide and his whole body tense.
"Yeah. Really." Ritsu insisted while averting his eyes.
Saga grinned slyly but then, at the sudden rush of heat coming from Onodera, Saga immediately got back up.
Saga whistled. "C'mon, you can't panic this much over a joke." He offered Onodera a hand up.
Ritsu's face flushed, but he grabbed Saga's hand anyways. "I-I'm not!"
"Sure."
"I'm serious! It's just that you surprised me."
"Sure."
"I was just shocked!" Ritsu declared.
"Don't worry I believe you." Saga replied while giving him a disbelieving look, "Let's go get some breakfast. I'm starving."
Ritsu muttered indignantly and then looked at his watch. "It's pretty early. I don't think any stores will be open except for the convenience store."
Saga shrugged nonchalantly, secretly hoping that it mean that Onodera would make something.
"Nothing in the convenience store's that good for you though...Maybe I'm make an omelet or something?" Ritsu offered.
Saga shrugged nonchalantly while cheering inside.
"Any requests?"
"Meat."
"Annny ootther requests~?"
"Beer."
"Rejected."
Before they left his apartment, Saga looked back at his drawer and thought about getting his cigarettes; he knew Onodera would probably get upset, but he sure as hell would want one later and he was sure as hell that Yokozawa wouldn't give him one. But he couldn't help but smile at the thought of Onodera scolding him.
(6:26 a.m.)
They ended up going to the convenience store anyway for some milk and paper towels. Saga roamed around the store looking at some magazines and flipped through the most recent Shounen Jump. He hadn't looked through it in a while. Naruto. One Piece. Bleach. That was most of his childhood...yet someone had never read manga before...Oda Ritsu.
The boy with green eyes and a bright red blush.
The boy he had loved. Did love?
The boy who had loved him? Maybe...
...?
Maybe...maybe...the words echoed in his thoughts as he tried to figure out what was so absolutely wrong.
It was foreign to him.
These thoughts.
He was in control of himself even in his pain.
Thoughts about Oda Ritsu were usually accompanied by uncontrollable pain, thirst, and fear. So strange. Like it didn't feel right inside of him. He felt lightheaded.
Yet the aching inside his heart still caught his breath and made his eyes start to glisten a little. He blinked a couple of times to wash the tears away. And still, somehow even with the pain, the memories had regained that long lost warmth in them, the brightness...it was such a strange strange feeling.
He shoved the slight smile on his lips away in embarrassment, looking around sheepishly to make sure no one had noticed. Saga awkwardly hunched up his shoulders as he flipped through the magazine's pages.
He then put it down, slowly as he remembered something. He had suggested some manga to Oda actually...but that was the day he disappeared...the boy had probably never read them.
Right.
He took in a big breath. Unsure if he was hurting or if he was jubilant at this new found reaction.
Again how frustrating. He didn't have the patience to find out. He wanted to know now. He wanted to wrap his arms around Onodera and breath in his scent, lick his skin, kiss his lips. But was it because he loved Onodera Ritsu? Or was it because Onodera reminded him of Oda Ritsu? Was he just using Onodera as a replacement? Or did he just happen to like this type?
Ritsu. Ritsu. Ritsu. Ritsu. Ritsu.
With a sigh, he shoved his hands into his pockets and then looked through the candy section.
He let a little smile escape him.
His favorites had always Konpeito and coffee candy. His mom would always buy them for him because she didn't want to waste any of her time disagreeing with him. She would buy it and then shove it into his hands as she pulled him briskly along, making phone calls and sighing.
But honestly, he just liked the bright shiny colors of the konpeito star candies. Someone, he couldn't remember who, had once told him that konpeito were stars and if you threw them up and caught three in a row in your mouth, you could make a wish...like catching a shooting star...Now that he thought about it, whoever it was had never said the wish would come true. Just that he could.
No wonder he could never transform into a cat.
And the coffee candy...that memory left a slightly sick taste in his mouth from his naivety. He had thought that if he was more grown up, then maybe his parents would like him. And he thought coffee candy would show them that he was grown up.
How could something as sweet as candy show anything?
He smiled sardonically and then put the bags of sweets back.
Ritsu stood there, debating about what to do as his eyes followed Takano-san's figure. And then Takano-san looked up, "Ah hey, do you wanna go?"
Ritsu agreed.
As they walked out, Ritsu couldn't stop himself and said, "Actually, I really need to use the restroom."
Saga nodded, "I'll just wait outside."
Ritsu gave him a smile and then rushed in.
Saga let out a sigh in the cold air. The air was a white puff. And then he smiled, looking up at the stars, suddenly so much more beautiful than before.
(6:40 a.m.)
After ten minutes, Saga wondered what was taking Onodera so long. Honestly he didn't want his thoughts to go along that route considering what he also wanted to do to Onodera...and that was when the brown-haired man rushed out with bags in hand looking flushed.
"Sorry for the wait."
"It's fine."
There was a silence as they started walking back to Onodera's apartment and then suddenly Ritsu awkwardly said, "Uh...umm...I wasn't in the bathroom that long...just so you know...the clerk suddenly started talking to me and...I well yeah...I was done in like a minute...and...I..um..."
Saga suddenly started laughing.
"Oh-pfftt-are you sure you don't want to go buy some indigestion medicine or something? You are getting old you know?"
Ritsu blushed, "I'm only in my twenties."
"Almost thirties~" Saga replied in singsong.
Ritsu gave him a look.
"Sorry, sorry, but I mean you were wide open right there. You shouldn't make it so easy."
"Shut it."
"Sorry."
(6:57 a.m.)
The two figures walked slowly back and Saga, trying to find something to talk about, figured he should introduce Onodera better to Yokozawa before he visited them today.
"Ahh…it's been a while since I saw Yokozawa…he's probably gonna freak when he sees your place."
Ritsu blinked. Mentally he counted the days. It couldn't have been more than five or six days...'its been a while since I saw him'?! Ritsu shoved down the irritation.
"…why would he get upset?"
"Cause he's like a mother…you should see his place. Spic and span. He's really good at taking care of people too. One time, an injured dog saw Yokozawa and it's face lit up; tail wagging and all. I thought that maybe Yokozawa knew it…but that was the first time he had seen it. He tried to ignore it as it followed him, but ended up spending the whole night before final exams taking care of it, and he even spent all his allowance on taking it to the vet." Saga laughed.
"The vets there call him the animal tamer. He always gets mobbed by them. Anyway, after that, he looked for the owner and when he did find the owner, a little boy, he lectured the hell out of him about responsibility and then lectured the parents on teaching their children responsibility. Normally he wouldn't really do that…he's shier than you would think, but he was sleep deprived and only using red bull for sustenance. Wait, no, on a normal day, he still would've said it, just more politely...I think he made the kid piss his pants...maybe it was the parents? He's believes in being fair...but it was pretty funny…I swear he loses his cool so easily..."
Ritsu smiled brightly and laughed along with Saga, "Is that so? He seems…nice"
He wanted to slap himself for letting the frustration and hopelessness well up inside him. It was pointless to care so much about Takano-san's relationship with Yokozawa. That wasn't what he was here for. He hardly had the right to even be jealous. All he was allowed to do was help Takano-san. However. Whether it meant making Takano-san fall in love with him, with Yokozawa, he had to.
He had to.
The scent of blood had never left him.
Ritsu squeezed the bags he held in his fist; they suddenly felt heavy and he wanted to throw them as far as he could, but that would be childish to do so due to jealousy.
Saga smiled gently, "He is..."
Even as he reminisced about the past, he couldn't help but have his mind stray off towards Onodera again and again; Oda again and again.
The only reason he could now almost smile when he thought of Oda, was because of him.
Onodera.
Saga ran his fingers through his hair.
Suddenly, he asked, "Do you know someone named Oda Ritsu?"
Ritsu was silent and then stared at him gently.
Saga held his breath unconsciously.
"No. No I don't."
The dark haired boy just sort of bit his lip.
And so Ritsu stared at him straight on with a oblivious smile. "Why? Who is he?"
Saga blinked, thinking for a moment and then replied with a sad smile of his own, "No. No one important..."
It was a silly idea. It always had been. The two of them? The same person? The same family? Their last names weren't even the same.
And did it matter if Onodera had anything to do with Ritsu?
Saga didn't know...didn't know if they would ever be separate in his mind...could he forget Oda Ritsu?
Could he? Did he want to?
Forget the first person that said everything was okay? That he was good enough? That loved him?
He frowned and clenched his fists tighter.
Saga jumped slightly as Onodera pried his fist open and slid his hand into his and squeezed it.
"...what?" Saga mumbled slightly flustered
"I just wanted to hold your hand..." Ritsu averted his eyes slightly, trying to keep his voice calm.
Saga gave him a grin, "Is it cause you think I'm cute?"
"More like because my hands are cold."
Saga smiled, trying to hide his noisy heart. It was like all that was left of him was a throbbing hand.
This person's touch was so real, so warm. This person's love was almost palpable. It made him lose his breath.
They finally stood in front of Onodera's apartment.
Ritsu looked up at the apartment building. It was the same one he lived in in his own time. He almost felt like that Takano-san would pop up out of nowhere, accusing him of slacking off or teasing him. But instead, this building was now where Takano-san had attempted suicide. Because of him.
To think that the party had been in an apartment only a couple floors below his...but he didn't think Takano-san remembered because he had been pretty smashed at the time and it had been dark...
They walked into the apartment complex.
And they were still holding hands, each one wanting to hold on a little longer and unsure of when to let go.
The lobby was empty at this time of day and they went up the elevator in a quiet filled with guilt and love.
(7:20 a.m.)
Inside, Ritsu put down the grocery bags and went to make some food and Saga awkwardly and somewhat guiltily went off to watch TV.
Saga flipped through the channels.
Unsurprisingly, there was nothing good at this time of day. His stomach rumbled and with a sigh, he fidgeted on the sofa laying down, getting up, switching sides until he was so so completely bored that he started watching the clock. Ten minutes had passed since they had returned to Onodera's apartment.
He flipped the TV off in frustration and then turned it off as he wandered into the kitchen and watched Ritsu make a salad, some toast, and an omelette.
Saga continued hovering over Ritsu until finally the older man couldn't take it anymore.
"Five feet away! It's warm with the stove on already and I don't need you hovering over me."
"I'm boored."
"Go set the table."
"Do you have ice cream?"
"The forks and plates are in that cabinet."
"What highschool did you go to?"
"Atlantis. I dated a bunch of mermaids there. Napkins are in the drawer."
"Oh how did u have sex then?"
"Table. Now. "
Saga grinned and then ruffled Onodera's hair before going to the dining table with utensils in hand.
Ritsu blushed and touched his head for a moment. Usually he never joked with Takano-san. But this younger version...no that wasn't it, it was that both of them didn't have a history, and well actually, the younger version was less of a jerk, still childish though. And somehow adorable. He could never imagine him being this way with Takano-san...and it somehow pained him at the thought. But that was also his own fault, he had been avoiding Takano-san because he didn't want to fall in love with him, so no joking would've been okay...and the older Takano-san was someone who Ritsu respected and trusted...he wasn't...Ritsu wasn't-couldn't be this comfortable around him.
That only mattered though if Ritsu could stop Takano-san from...from.
... But for once, everything seemed okay, even if Yokozawa was coming to visit, because Takano-san was smiling.
Saga frowned at the convenience store bags blocking his way on the table. With a sigh, he put down the plates at the end and then swiftly grabbed the bags to put on the floor, but then accidentally spilled the contents. He groaned. Onodera was completely unorganized.
Milk. At least the carton hadn't broken. That guy had actually forgotten to put that in the fridge. That idiot. But Saga still couldn't hold back a little smile.
Papertowels. Luckily that was in plastic. If he had had to reroll the towels, he would've gone insane.
Condoms. As if.
But there was konpeito and coffee candy.
All of a sudden, Saga couldn't help it.
His hands started to shake.
He couldn't take in another breath without thinking about Onodera.
He hadn't been able to for a while.
It was love.
And yet, this breathlessness.
It was fear.
He clenched his teeth and his whole body tensed waiting for the invisible blow.
He wanted more than anything, to let this sweet, mindless bliss continue.
He wanted more than anything to feel the warmth of this man in his arms and know that he was real.
But was he real? Was such peace real?
He couldn't take in another breath without letting his tears spill.
And so they did. And with them, his heart.
Saga picked up the bag of candies, slowly, his hand almost shaking with cold tears dripping down his cheeks.
The thought, of him being in love with Onodera...there had been some fear before, but it had been simply joy, simply perfection in his overactive imagination. And now, the thought paralyzed him. He wanted nothing more than to be able to stroke Onodera's hair gently, run his fingers along his skin, sink his face into the crook of his neck, hug him, joke with him, claim him, laugh with him, love him...and yet he was so frightened.
To love was to be vulnerable. To love was...love was...how could he even take...how could he even imagine letting this person in and taking the chance of losing him?
He couldn't.
He was so goddamn scared. Why? Why? What was this fear that paralyzed him?
Oda...was not a liar. So why? Why? Why had he left? What had Saga done wrong? Would he do that same thing again and push Onodera away?
Saga bit back his tears.
How humiliating. To cry. To show any weakness.
His throat ached for that burning liquid that would numb the pain and make the world laughable.
He hated being vulnerable.
He never would admit any weaknesses.
He was drunk because the world was boring.
He tried to kill himself because it seemed fun.
He smoked because it felt good.
He wasn't in pain.
He wasn't in pain.
He wasn't in pain.
He wasn't this weak.
Saga let a sob escape him.
The peace at the convenience store seemed years ago.
He wasn't in pain.
He could feel the acid burning through his stomach and the heavy weight inside him.
He wasn't in pain.
Except he was...the pain that had been stifled before in his delusional joy drove back into him like a spear, going right through his heart.
Onodera. Onodera. Oda. Onodera. Onodera. Oda. Onodera.
"Ritsu..." his voice cracked slightly.
"Yeah? Takano-san?" Onodera's voice was so light and curious. So innocent and warm.
And the green eyed man walked around the kitchen, slightly embarrassed and hopeful at his first name being used, to see Saga curled up.
Onodera stood there and he placed his hand on Saga's head and stroked the soft locks gently.
And Saga, for the first time in a while, pushed him away.
And Onodera, stood there, arms limp, heart crashing, thinking that there was only six days left.
7:56 a.m