This is kind of a transition chapter. I'm more excited about what comes next, but this had to go in to get there. I'm trying not to make the chapters too long, or I would have gone ahead and put in the other part.
He sat next to her on the sofa, his hand lightly placed at the small of her back. She was sitting at the very edge of her seat, hands clasped between her knees. He hoped the small pressure of his hand encouraged her even a little bit.
"You don't gotta do this," he told her last night.
"Someone's got to," she said. "He'll find out soon enough, and I'd rather he not hear through the grapevine."
"I'm just sayin', I can tell him if you want."
"No. I'll do it."
So here she is, telling Miles his mom is pregnant, and she hopes she's pregnant with him, and didn't it make sense that he probably doesn't know his real birthday? Listening to Juliet's soothing, professional, I-know-this-is-not-the-greatest-news-but-let's-try-to-be-optimistic voice, James felt a twinge of regret. Regret that she was here, spending her days working on 1970s motor vehicles instead of accomplishing all the great things she was capable of.
He watched Juliet anxiously – she was getting through this OK, wasn't she? He watched Miles anxiously – he was taking this news with calmness, wasn't he? James struggled to remember a time when he could give a rat's ass what Miles thought about anything or a time when he thought Juliet was a raging, cold-hearted bitch.
"So, Miles," Juliet said, "I think all we can do for now is just wait until the baby's born in April."
Miles nodded, chuckled ruefully. "Just wait. Think I got that waiting part down."
"I know," Juliet agreed, and reached out to pat Miles on the knee.
October and November passed, and Lara was still pregnant. Now the only option was that Miles actually was born in April. Or . . . Well, the "or" wasn't something any of them cared to contemplate too deeply.
December came and went, and James found himself contemplating time at the annual Dharma New Years' party. Another year down. Another year of waiting. He wasn't the only one in a melancholy state of mind. Juliet stood next to him, her eyes fixated on something across the room. He followed her gaze to Lara Chang, sitting with her hands resting on her swollen belly.
"Hey, let's blow this joint," he whispered to Juliet, who nodded without removing her eyes from Lara.
The fresh air felt nice, bracing, but the party music drifting from more than one house, celebration of another year down, another to come, mocked them.
"Nothing you can do now but wait," he said to Juliet, meaning to encourage her.
"I'm so fucking tired of waiting!" she yelled. His eyes widened in surprise, at her curse word or her volume, he didn't know which.
"Well, ain't it bad news if she has the baby now? Too early, right?"
"I mean I'm tired of all of it. Sitting around twiddling our thumbs, laying low . . ."
"It's just I saw ya lookin' at her, I figured . . ."
"I was looking at her because I'm jealous of her, James."
"What are you saying? You saying you want to get pregnant?"
"No," she exclaimed. "Well, yes, but no, not now, not here, that's not what I mean. I mean, I'm jealous that she's living life. Not just waiting endlessly. She's got a future."
"Yeah, a future spent lying to her son. A future without her husband. A future that includes a little thing you call The Purge."
"She doesn't know all that. All she knows is she's living her life, starting a family, thinking of her future."
"What are you saying? What are you trying to tell me?"
"I'm just so tired of waiting. We've been here two and a half years. What are we waiting for? What are you waiting for, James?"
"You wanna leave? Get on the sub for Ann Arbor?"
She could see it in his eyes. If she said "yes," he'd agree, and off they'd go. And he'd spend the rest of his life resenting her. What I really want, she thought, is for you to want to leave with me. But something, someone, was keeping him here, waiting."No," she answered, sighed. "No. We'll wait. It's just New Year's, you know? Just a reminder of all the time that's passing."
"Well, it's '77," he said. "The year of our mysterious disappearance."
"Daniel's journal?" She'd forgotten all about it.
"Been right about everything so far. Ever think that's what I been waiting on, huh? Maybe that's what gets us back to our right time."
"Maybe," she took his hand and led him home.
He lay awake that night, thinking. Juliet had thrown him for a loop. Generally, when it came to emotional/important discussions, she had two default modes. One was super honest, no sense in beating around the bush, no cover up, no fancy words, just the plain, honest truth. The other was a poker-faced emotional stonewall, emotionless, blank, and impenetrable. One or the other, no in-between. She never played that game so many women do when they say one thing but totally mean another, but he got the sense she was doing it tonight. He asked did she want to leave, and she said no. But that didn't seem quite honest. She hadn't shut him down with the poker face, either. So, what was going on?
And, damn, what was he waiting on exactly? What were they doing here? For one thing, this – keeping the four of them safe and keeping a lookout for any of "their" people – was the only good thing James Ford had ever accomplished. Head of Dharma Security? That was satisfying, no doubt, but that was Jim LaFleur, wasn't it? No, keeping the home fires burning, never giving up, keeping his tiny band together, that was his job, and he wasn't going to just give up.
Besides, once he gave up, then what of Jin? If Jin ever wanted to see Sun again, they had to stay right here.
Plus, Locke said he'd be back and he owed it to him to be here, waiting. And if he was bringing the rest of them back with him? Well, hell, James wanted to be around for that! There was a time when just the anticipation of finally seeing Kate again kept him up late, much like a kid waiting for Christmas. What he wanted now was for her and the Doc, especially the Doc, to show up so he could say "See? Y'all just leave us here for two and a half years, but no worries, because I took care of it." And he wanted to see the look on Kate's face when she realized that playing house with him wasn't the God-awful fate she'd made it out to be. What was he waiting on? He was waiting to show them, goddammit.
And so they waited. They joked about Daniel's journal. If one of them got stuck late at work, they'd come home, and the other would say, "Phew! I was afraid you'd mysteriously disappeared!" But it was a whistling-in-the-graveyard sort of joking. Daniel had been right about everything so far. Why not this?
In April, the gang thrilled to the news of the arrival of baby Miles Chang. They thought they'd convinced themselves it would all be all right. The communal sigh of relief, their absolute joy at the confirmation belied that. THANK GOD. Miles is going to be OK.
And James even had this anecdote to share. "So, I'm talkin' to Pierre today, and he says, Lara always loved jazz, especially Miles Davis. Always said if she had a kid, she'd wanna name it Miles. But Pierre always says he thinks Miles ain't a good Asian name."
"This from a guy named Pierre," Miles grumped (relief or no, he still was a crank when it came to his folks).
"Yeah, well, apparently you show up nearly three years ago, and Lara says, 'He's Asian, and his name is Miles.' Basically convinces Pierre to do it if they ever have a boy."
"You were kind of named for yourself, Miles!" Juliet giggled.
That night they got drunk on relief and red wine. And still they waited. . .
The spring turned to summer, as much as there was any change of season on this damned rock, and still they waited. . .
Early July came and they made plans to celebrate Miles' thirtieth birthday. There'd been discussion of celebrating on his "real" birthday, but they decided two Asians named Miles with the same birthday, thirty years apart would be suspicious.
Then one day, something happened. James waited anxiously outside the infirmary. Pacing, restless, upset. Jin approached. James updated him on the situation, Jin did likewise, and then Jin asked the first simple question that changed everything. "How long do we look, James?"
Reflexively, James answered, "As long as it takes." Don't worry, buddy, I ain't gonna let you down. We're here as long as you need us to be. We'll get you back to her, somehow. A strange look crossed Jin's face. Disappointment? Was Jin, of all people, ready to give up? James needed to ask him more, find out what was going on, but the door to the infirmary opened, and Juliet, flushed, exhausted, shaky, emerged.
The baby was OK. Amy was OK. Juliet was overjoyed. He felt so proud, relieved, happy. And another twinge of regret – this is what she should be doing, not changing air filters. And there was no time to dwell on that, either, because Dawn, the nurse, stepped out and called Juliet back in, just a few wrap-up stuff she needed to finish. "See you at home," she grinned, happier than he'd ever seen her.
"Well, grid 1-3-4," declared Jin, heading off.
"Wait," James said. Jin turned. "You OK with keepin' this up?"
"I'm OK for as long as you are OK," and Jin turned to go.
If Jin was questioning how long they were supposed to wait . . . well the whole equation changed, didn't it? James thought to call him back, put it off, but that decision required a little more thought. Maybe it was time to call an end to the grid search.
And with that on his mind, he trudged to Horace's to tell the poor bastard he missed his son's birth. And Horace asked the second simple question that changed everything. Three years: "Is that really long enough to get over someone?"
James thought. He imagined Juliet disappearing mysteriously. His first answer "Hell, no! Three years? Amy was married to the guy, for crying out loud. I kind of don't see how you ever get over that." But Horace looked so distraught, and James knew that was the wrong answer.
And then he thought of Kate, and he knew the answer was the right one. So he told how he had a girl, lost her, and yeah, absolutely, three years is enough to get over someone. That seemed to be the answer Horace needed. James looked into the distance. It really was, wasn't it? He didn't even care anymore to show her up, prove her wrong, say "look what I've turned into." They were either OK, and good God, he hoped they were, or they weren't. Three years. He'd done his part. Even Jin knew that. Three years. He'd done enough. It was, indeed, time to move on.
Like the weight of the world off his shoulders, he strolled through the courtyard. Maybe tonight he'd tell Juliet that he, too, was tired of waiting. Tomorrow, he'd tell Jin to stop the searches (if Jin wanted). The sub was coming in soon, wasn't it? They could be on it if they wanted to.
Wouldn't that be a mysterious disappearance? All of a sudden, one day, Jim LaFleur, head of Dharma Security, dropped his resignation papers for no reason at all. He and his wife were leaving for Ann Arbor.