The ride to his house was almost completely silent and not exactly a comfortable one. Of course he was tired, that went without saying but she had the feeling they were picking up where they left off and not in a good way. For the most part he just stared out the window, his body tense, coiled.

Gillian desperately wondered what he was thinking, panicked at the thought of him backpedaling. She'd finally opened her eyes to everything. She loved him. Was in love with him but of course he wasn't an easy person to love. This might be him acknowledging that or perhaps demonstrating it.

She guided the car into his driveway and he sat for a moment, blinking up at his home before launching himself out to grab his bags from the trunk. He was half way up the path when he stopped and slowly turned.

Gillian stood uncertainly. She honestly couldn't tell if he wanted her to come in or if he preferred she leave.

Cal's expression didn't help matters either. It was completely blank, almost like he wasn't sure himself.

They watched one another for several moments.

"A bit awkward, yeah?" His voice was low but it carried in the cold, evening air.

"Maybe a little."

He gave a little nod, stared down at the ground for what seemed a long while before leaving his luggage and striding toward her with his hand outstretched. "Cal Lightman. How d'ya do?"

Gillian gaped at him.

Giving a little nod, he quirked an eyebrow. He was serious.

Deciding to roll with it, she took his hand. Despite the falling temperature it was warm and dry. "Gillian Foster."

"Nice to meet you Gill. Couldn't help but notice ya standin' in my driveway lookin' all forlorn and such. Thought maybe you'd like to come in for a drink. Stuff left in the fridge probably crawled out and went into hidin', but I'm sure I can find my comprehensive list of take away places…if you're interested 'course." His eyes began to smile as he teased.

Wow. Mr. Hot and Cold. She'd never thought of him as particularly bi-polar before. Much better this way though. "I don't usually go home with a guy when I first meet him."

"Fair point. Completely understandable. I will admit that I tend to be a bit nuts, but I'm pretty harmless for the most part. On occasion I can even pass myself off as a gentleman."

"Hmmm…well I'll admit I am intrigued. What else can you tell me about yourself?"

"Well, I have a kid that actually likes me even when she points out what a plonker I am. Which I am, a lot, I have to warn you. Although I sometimes try not to be. Unfortunately it's an uphill battle. I can spot lies of all makes and models which probably contributes to the nutty part. I have a partner who is this amazing, beautiful human being who puts up with a shitload of my idiosyncrasies and probably walks the tightrope between loving me and hating me."

"She must be quite something."

"Oh she is. She definitely is." He squeezed her hand gently. They hadn't let go. "Did I mention that I have a weakness for blue-eyed brunettes?"

"No, actually you didn't. Had the impression that you have a weakness for anything female."

His eyes narrowed. "Have we met before?"

"Maybe once or twice."

"Huh. First impressions and all that?"

"Maybe. Um, Mr. Lightman? That was your name right?"

"Doctor, actually, but I'm not a snob or anythin'."

"Ok. Dr. Lightman?"

"Yeah luv?"

"It's getting damned cold."

"God I'm a lousy host. I apologize profusely." He dropped her hand and waved her in front before grabbing his bags. "Let's get inside. I understand my beautiful amazing partner dropped by earlier. She may have even turned on the heat."

"Wow. Some partner. She even does house calls."

"Only when I ask really nicely." He stepped up next to her on the stoop and unlocked the door. "Make yourself at home."

"Thank you." Gillian stepped inside, before turning to hold the door while he brought his luggage inside and closing it behind him.

Cal stood and just looked around. The physical and emotional warmth of his home wrapped around him like an embrace. Not as good as the hug Gillian and he had shared at the airport, but nice nonetheless. His eyes fell to the coffee table. Had he left the glass and bottle there? He honestly couldn't remember.

"Nice place Dr. Lightman." She wandered as if for the first time before turning and giving him a smile that made him feel weak.

"Thanks darlin'. Think my partner may have even cleaned up a bit. Don't think I deserve that one."

"Sounds like you need to relax a bit." She kicked off her heels and sunk into his comfy couch, legs pulled up underneath as usual.

"Hard to."

"So it seems." She leaned forward ever so slightly to catch his eye. "I think your partner just cares very much for you."

"You think so? Hard to tell sometimes." Cal faltered. "I mean, it's hard to tell anythin' when my head's up my arse."

"Always good to pull it out and take a look around occasionally."

"Ah, words of wisdom."

"I have my moments."

He'd stepped closer but hadn't sat down. "More than just moments."

"I wish that were the truth." Gillian chewed on her lower lip before dropping her gaze to her hands. "If I could actually see clearly, I wouldn't have been so damned blind."

"That's one hell of a metaphor."

"Thanks. I can even use irony properly." She smiled up at him quickly but her eyes were a little too bright once again.

They were both silent as the playful banter dissipated and the heart of everything opened up. Cal moved toward her and lowered himself onto the couch. But not too close.

The quiet room was only split by the ticking of the mantle clock and the heater as it fought the chill that attempted to press in. Even the outside traffic had ceased. Everyone was warm and snug inside.

"I missed you." Gillian's voice was a whisper.

His eyes dropped. "Thought that I'd fucked everythin' up. I mean, everythin'."

"No." She shook her head. "I should have seen it. I mean, it's been a long time coming right? But I just wasn't looking. I guess I just figured that it wasn't supposed to be, so it wouldn't."

"Why would you think that?"

"Cal, you're my very best friend and I didn't want to lose that."

"I'm not worth taking a chance." It wasn't a question as he slumped deeper into the leather.

"Don't you do that!" She was suddenly angry with him for his self-deprecation and frustrated at herself for her inability to articulate. "It has nothing to do with whether you're worthy or not. It has everything to do with the fact that my mindset clouded my view of you, of us."

His eyes made their way back up to her face again. "I didn't make it easy for you. Hard for me to just…come right out and say it."

Interestingly enough, neither one of them had actually said the words. They'd both been dancing around them, toeing them, stepping over them but the fear was crippling. Love was inferred but had not yet been vocalized. Both were painfully aware of that fact.

"That's you though, isn't it Cal? You communicate by action and drama. Words are secondary."

Sighing, he rubbed a hand over his weary face. "I suppose that would be true." The hand fell away. "What's your excuse then?"

That was a very good question. What was her excuse? Afloat in the river of denial without a paddle she supposed. Not a very good answer though. "Fear. I've been hurt too many times and lets face it, you do have a bit of a reputation."

Thinking about it, his mouth made a single line. "I guess I had that coming. But if you took notice, I haven't had a single long term relationship since Zoë."

"Was that by choice?"

"Yeah. Huge difference between sex and love."

"So you haven't loved anyone since Zoe?"

"No. Have you since Alec?"

Fair question. "I thought I loved Dave."

"Did you?"

At the time she would have said yes, but in retrospect it wasn't that easy. She'd cared about him. A lot. But had she been in love with him? "I don't think so."

"Seems like we've both been in a kind of holding pattern since our divorces. Why do you think that is?" Cal was now looking at her keenly. A genuine curiosity also cavorted in his features.

It was so obvious now. They were both just waiting to become conscious of it. He just happened to be the one to wake up first. She thought about the last few agonizing months. Blind seemed to be too mild a word for it.

"I suppose we're both just slow learners…or heavy sleepers."

He smiled but there was a touch of sadness in it. "For supposedly smart people, it's depressing that we've taken almost a decade to get to this point."

That was true. So much wasted time. "Well, now that we're both on the same page, I think, maybe we could see what's in the next chapter together."

Cal stared at her, the sad smile falling away to be replaced by one that was fueled by pure astonishment. "That is really cheesy."

She grinned back with a tiny sniffle. "You think so? I'd practiced it you know."

"Think it needs work."

"Last time I try some of my prose out on you."

"Is that a promise?"

"Yes."

"Good." Once again he looked like he wanted to lean forward and kiss her. And once again he didn't. Instead he leapt off the couch, probably blasting away the last few remnants of his energy. "Ready to order some food? Starvin' to death here." He headed toward the kitchen and his infamous drawer of menus while she watched after him.

"Yeah, actually that would be good."

"Any requests?"

"I'm open."

"Chinese it is then!" He came back, menu in hand, carefully scrutinizing.

(BREAK)

After eating they still didn't mention the elephant in the room. Instead Gillian selected a classic movie for them to relax in front of. One that they both agreed on and hadn't seen for years.

During dinner they'd started to close the physical gap and now as they watched the old black and white film, she leaned her head on his shoulder as she curled up next to him. His legs were stretched out on the coffee table, ankles casually crossed, one arm on the couch behind her, cheek against her head.

Barely a third through the movie, she noticed the slowing of his breathing and his stillness. His exhaustion had finally caught up with him.

She watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and the peace that shed several years off his face. With only the slightest bit of hesitation, she leaned forward and lightly brushed his lips with her own. Deeply asleep, Cal didn't stir.

"I do love you and I'll see you later." She rose, covered him with the throw from the back of the couch before turning off the movie.

Scribbling a note, she left it on the coffee table before bundling her coat around her and heading out into the cold.