Chapter 12

Doubt

Remus climbed into the carriage after first helping me in. For a moment I thought we were going to have the ride to ourselves, and I rather liked that prospect. But then a group of other students climbed in. I think they were third years by the way chatted away with wide eyes of wonder.

As such, Remus and I didn't talk on the way back. We held hands though. . . Well… sort of at least. I had my hand sitting on the bench with fingers splayed and Remus placed his hand over mine, his fingers fell in the gaps mine left. I looked up and smiled. Although Remus didn't look back at me, I could tell he had a big smile too.

As soon as the carriage stopped the third years jumped out, still chirping endlessly. Remus and I probably could have been snogging the entire ride and they still wouldn't have noticed us. We walked through the castle with squelching shoes that made me cringe with each step. There were students here and there, but just like the third years, they took little to no notice of us. I cannot, however, say the same of our arrival in the common room.

"Hey! Look what the cat dragged in," James announced our entrance.

"Oi! Didn't you two know it's raining outside?" Sirius barked with a laugh at our wet state.

"What?" I exclaimed. "It's raining? Remus, did you know it's raining?"

Remus chuckled. "I must admit I find that baffling."

Sirius shook his head. "And people think they're the brilliant ones." James and Peter laughed.

Since first getting caught in the rain, I hadn't once tried to dry off or wring out my hair. So as I stood just inside the portrait hole, I felt water running down the side of my I face. As I went to wipe it away, a wicked idea came to me. I caught James' eye; he knew what I was thinking, and he grinned and surreptitiously moved away from Sirius.

Sirius continued to laugh and poke fun at us. He didn't see me walk behind the couch. He didn't see me pull my hair over my shoulder. And he didn't see me run my hand dawn my hair. But he sure felt it as the water left my hair for his face. His laughter stopped abruptly, as he pinched his eyes closed. Meanwhile, everyone else in the common room started laughing.

"Oi! Potter, you're going to wish you hadn't done that!" he threatened.

"Really? Because I'm pretty sure I'm enjoying it."

"That will soon change."

I gave a little yelp as Sirius suddenly leapt from the couch. We faked left and then right. When I read the look in his eyes though, I knew he intended to jump over the couch. So I turned and made a run for the girl's dormitory. About five steps up I stopped and turned around to face him. Sirius was standing at the foot of the stairs.

I smiled triumphantly. "Out of reach now, Black. Better luck next time."

Sirius remained unmoving at the bottom of the staircase, a half smirk playing on his face. Again, his eyes gave away his intentions.

"You wouldn't," I dared. Surely he wouldn't… Oh! Who am I kidding? It's Sirius Black, of course he would.

I turned and quickly began sprinting up the stairs to the sixth year down. I was almost on safe ground when suddenly there was a loud wailing and the stairs beneath me became a slide. I tried to use my momentum to carry me forward, but the landing was too far.

The air rushed past me as I was brought back to the common room. Sirius was waiting for me at the bottom. I rolled into him, knocking his feet out from under him, but he was prepared for me. With very little effort he had me flat on my back while he sat on top of me. He directed his wand at me and suddenly it was like a hundred fingers began tickling me all over. From the sides of my stomach, to under my arms, even the bottom of my feet were being tickled. I squirmed and tried to dislodge him, but it was no good.

"Sirius... Please… stop… Please… I…. I can't breathe… Sirius!" I begged between my fits of laughter, but Sirius didn't let up. And no one came to my aid.

"Do you yield? Do you admit defeat? Do you admit that I am the best?"

As much as I wanted the tickling to stop, I did not want to inflate his ego any more by uttering those words. While doing my best not to cave in, my hand fumbled around for my wand which had somehow come loose during my slide. At last I found it; my fingers curled around its base. Since I couldn't speak, and I could barely breathe, I focused all my energy on one spell. I envisioned myself casting the sell, and I envisioned Sirius falling victim as my spell took hold. With every ounce of will power I had, I focused on the one spell that would set me free.

All at once, the tickling stopped and Sirius stopped his taunting. I looked up to see his mouth had sealed shut. His arms went rigid at his side and he toppled sideways as his legs pinned themselves together. With the exception of his eyes, which could move freely, Sirius lay immobile beside me.

I sat up and composed myself, brushing away my damp hair that was beginning to frizz.

"Now, what's that you were saying, Sirius?" I asked, but in response all I received was a muffled 'Mmm…'

"I'm sorry? I didn't catch that. I'm afraid you're going to have to speak up."

Just then the other sixth year girls came down the stairs.

"What's going on here?" Amelia asked.

"Was that you who tried to come up the girl's staircase, Sirius?" Emma asked.

"Sorry, ladies, but Sirius can't talk right now," James said as he leaned over the back of the couch.

"Yeah," popped in Peter. "The cat's got his tongue."

James laughed loudly. "Nice one, Pete."

"Pertrifcus totalus?" Lily asked; I nodded. "Nicely done, Kate."

"Thanks, you know, I much prefer him this way. Really, Sirius," I leaned in to him a bit. "You should consider making the change a permanent one."

I tapped his chest and laughed before rising to me my feet. James jumped over the couch to take up my spot.

"She really got you good, Mate," he said. "I tried to warm you not to cross a Potter."

He did it slowly, but I could see James' hand inch towards his wand. I had the tip of mine at his chin in the blink of an eye.

"Not so fast, James Potter. You are to leave Mr. Black where he is. And I charge Peter and Remus with seeing that it's done."

Peter jumped up and directed his wand at James' back. "No hard feelings, Prongs."

James raised his hands in surrender. "Sorry, Sirius, but it looks like you're on your own, Mate." He turned towards me.

"Well played, Kate," he said with a nod of his head, hands still raised.

"Thanks; I had good teachers."

"And we couldn't be more proud." He faked holding back tears. I rolled my eyes and lowered my wand.

"Now, if it's all the same to you, I'm going to go wash up. And then, perhaps some supper."

I turned to head back up the stairs and in doing so I caught sight of Remus. He was looking on from the boy's staircase. He looked at me and smiled. Suddenly the rush of our kiss flooded my senses once more and I had to hurry away before I gave us away.

As I retreated I could hear James ask, "Why, Peter? Why?" I didn't catch Peter's response.

XXX

I was riding high for the rest of the day and all day Sunday, despite the fact that Remus and I never had another moment alone. I woke up on Monday feeling slightly less joyful until I realized the next day was Tuesday, and on Tuesdays Remus and I had Ancient Ruins together.

When Tuesday came, Remus and I took up our usual seats next to each other. I kept waiting for Remus to brush his hand against mine or even just to smile at me like he did in Hogsmeade. But he never did either. We barely even talked unless it concerned something the Professor said. By the end of the day I felt almost as bad as I had at the start of term.

I began to doubt everything that had happened in Hogsmeade. Remus didn't think about me as often as he claimed. His smiles didn't come from a place of attraction; they were pity smiles. His kisses…his kisses were just cruel.

By Wednesday I began to doubt him even more. Did he ever really think of me as a friend, or was I simply James' adopted sister? That thought stung more than his pity smiles and cruel kisses, and I refused to believe it. Even if Remus did regret Hogsmeade, we were friends.

Thursday I was a mix of emotions dominated by a lethargic depression. I didn't feel like doing much of anything. I told myself I was good with Remus and me being only friends, but it hurt…a lot. The double session of Ancient Ruins we had went much the same as Tuesday's class, in that Remus and I didn't talk. That is, until the last thirty minutes when Remus suddenly passed me a note.

Are you alright?

Not feeling in the mood to talk I shrugged my shoulder.

What's wrong?

Remus wrote over his first note. The paper was charmed to only display the current message. I still didn't feel like taking much, but I felt bad for ignoring Remus when he was trying to reach out. We were friends after all.

Nothing

I replied.

And by 'nothing' you mean 'something?' Did James make you mad again?

No

Sirius then?

No

Peter?

No

Are you mad at me?

I didn't respond.

You are mad at me. I'm sorry. I

…I know this week was been weird for us, but I

…I think maybe we should talk.

Really.

Yes.

We're in class.

My words were meant to end our exchange, and they did just that. Remus didn't pass a note for some time. Though my better judgement was telling me I shouldn't, I chanced a look at him. His head was bowed low, and he looked so downcast, dejected, and diminished it hurt. And even though it stung knowing he regretted Hogsmeade, it hurt more knowing that I had hurt him. Admittedly, that had been my intentions, but I couldn't stick with it.

I quickly jotted down a note.

I only meant how. James has spies everywhere.

I watched Remus from the corner of my eyes as he read. The ends of his mouth curved upwards and he wrote out a reply.

Saturday? By the lake?

It's the first Quidditch match.

Who are we playing?

Ravenclaw I believe.

Or is it Hufflepuff?

Maybe. It's not Slytherin.

Agreed. Can you get away?

I can try.

For the remainder of Thursday and all day Friday I was conflicted and confused. Remus didn't make any more attempts to talk to me. To be perfectly fair though, I didn't make any attempts to talk to him either. That's not to say that we both completely ignored the other, though; that would have aroused suspicion.

Saturday I was a mess. I had decided to meet with Remus during the match, which meant faking an illness halfway though. If I faked the illness too soon, James might ask Sirius or Peter to stay too, or insist on taking me to see Madam Pomfrey beforehand. The anxiety of having to lie was actually making me queasy, so I had to act well enough to still attend the first half of the match. It was really quite tricky.

30 October 1976

The match (against Ravenclaw) began with all the excitement and thrill of the first match of the season. The enthusiasm of the crowd was infectious and I had to constantly remind myself not to clap or cheer too hard. Ravenclaw scored first followed almost immediately by us. The match went back and forth like that for a moment…they scored, we scored, we scored, they scored. Then a bludger took out one of the Ravenclaw chasers and that seemed to put an end to their scoring.

Knowing that my time was now running out and that I had to act if I was going to get my chance, I leaned in towards Sirius and in my best 'sick' voice I said:

"I think I'm going to head back."

"What? But it's just getting good," Sirius said.

"I know, but I don't feel well."

"You did look a little ill this morning. What is it?" Peter asked before cheering loudly as we scored again.

"A…headache," I replied.

"Ooo," Sirius grimaced; though, I'm not sure if it was because of my headache or because one of our chasers just got whacked with a bludger. "And you're certain you can't last through the rest of the match?"

I shook my head no.

"Oh…alright then." Sirius made to stand up but Remus stopped him.

"I'll go back with her," he said.

"Yeah? You don't mind?"

"Not as much as you do," Remus replied as we stood to leave.

"I'll go too," Peter said jumping up. My heart leapt to my throat, but Remus remained calm.

"We don't want James to lose his whole cheering section," Remus laughed.

"Yeah," I agreed as best I could. "Besides, I'll likely crawl into my own bed the moment I get back. Really boring stuff."

"Oh…ok…" Peter sat back down looking a little disappointed. I felt bad, but I knew this had to be done.

Remus and I took care to walk neither too slow nor too fast as we left the spectator seats. Instead of heading towards the dorms though, we wordlessly made our way to the Black Lake. We sat in the shade of a beech tree. Neither of us knew how or where to begin. We basically had the grounds to ourselves as the whole school usually showed up for the first match. In in the distance we could hear the faint roar of the crowd.

Remus was the one to break the silence, but it wasn't about Hogsmeade.

"Have you had any more memories return?"

This was definitely not something I wanted to talk about, but at least he was talking to me.

"No," I said with a shake of my head. "Not since the first one."

Remus nodded. "You probably would have told us if you had."

"I don't think I could not tell someone." There was a moment of silence and I knew I'd have to break it this time. Not knowing how to bring up what I really wanted to discuss, I continued with the same subject.

"I haven't had any more nightmares, though, either."

"Good, good. That's really good."

"Actually, I… I think I have you to thank for that. After our detention I took your advice."

"You asked the girl what she wanted?"

I nodded.

"And what happened?"

"It was really weird. Everything just stopped. The fire, the crying, it all stopped and disappeared. The girl was still there, though. She acted like she knew me, but she was disappointed that I didn't know her. Then she…"

"She what? What did she do, Kate?"

"She told me to remember, and the next day…"

"You had a memory return," Remus finished for me.

"Yeah. Weird, right?"

"It's certainly curious."

"It's a little more than curious, Remus. James' obsession with Lily is 'curious.' This was weird."

"Alright, it was weird," he said with a light chuckle. "What of it?"

"Nothing; I just wanted you to agree that I was right," I said cheerfully making Remus laugh even more.

Watching Remus laugh was like watching the sun rise. A kind of warmth spread through my body, from the curves of my cheeks to the tips of my toes. It was slow but wholly consuming. And when he looked at me, it was the sun's rays penetrating my soul. At last I saw the look I'd been longing to see: The Hogsmeade Look. And I knew it had been silly to ever doubt what had happened between us.

We leaned towards each other together and kissed. I could feel my joy spreading, but before it too could consume me, Remus pulled back and stood up. His abrupt departure left me dazed; his sweet kiss suddenly stung. But when I heard him mutter 'James,' my hurt turned to fury.

"James?" I leapt to my feet. "The bloody hell with James!"

Remus' eyes looked a little like a Muggle cartoon when he turned to look at me. I hardly ever used such language, especially in regards to James. But I was tired of James controlling everything, even when he wasn't aware of it.

"Look, I know he's your friend and you'd never what to disappoint him or go against the 'Friend Code.'" I continued a little softer. "He's the closest thing I have to family, so I understand. Believe me, I do. But aren't we capable of making certain decisions for ourselves? We are among the brightest in our class. I'd like to think we could decide if this was worth something. We may even decide we don't' like snogging each other and that we're better as friends. I, for one, would at least like the opportunity to find out."

When I paused to catch my breath, having no idea where I got the courage to say all of that, I saw Remus was smiling broadly and I wasn't sure what to make of it.

"You're brilliant, Kate. You truly are, but I see one fault in your logic."

Oh Merlin! I'd really done it now. I made a complete and utter fool of myself. I'd misread everything. Euphemia was wrong. Remus didn't think of me like that. But before I could run and hide, Remus stepped forward and took both of my hands in his.

"I rather think I'd like snogging you."

I was stunned beyond speech. "I…I think I'd like…it too," I fumbled. "I mean I'd like you snogging me… I mean…"

Remus laughed.

"Oh, you know what I mean."

"I think I do. I know you don't want to hear it, but what do we tell James?"

"We don't," I said quickly. "I mean…Well…Quidditch just started and he still has to make Lily fall in love with him this year. The boy has a lot on his mind right now. So we… wait…until we know."

"And if… if it doesn't work between us, we go back to being friends?"

"We have to because I can't imagine not having you in my life."

"That may be hard to do."

"I'm sure it would be, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't still try. I don't want to spend my life wondering 'what if.' Do you?"

"No, I don't. But I do… I do want to kiss you right now."

He did just that. And I kid you not. The moment our lips met, it was like the world had erupted in cheer for us. It was later that night when I realized the cheering had been because James had caught the snitch and Gryffindor won.