Four days later, the day of Leia's funeral dawned drizzly and chilly for early August, with flat gray clouds blocking out the sun.
The team had driven up the night before, the roads ever narrower and winding through the dense upstate forests. The funeral home sat at the edge of town and the parking lot overflowed with cars parked along the narrow road halfway into the ditches.
Rey and Phasma snagged chairs at the back of the room and waited for the service to begin. Ben stood near the front with his father receiving guests. The women didn't have a chance to approach the men to give their regards as a steady stream of mourners kept the Solos occupied. And if there were space for one more floral arrangement around the casket, Rey couldn't see where. Sprays of gladiolus in every color imaginable perfumed the room and a very large arrangement of white roses stood near the center.
"I just can't believe she's gone," Phasma repeated for what felt like the millionth time, dabbing gently at the corner of her eye with a handkerchief. "We just saw her."
Rey pressed her hand against her friend's forearm but said nothing. The time since Han's call to the office on Friday had passed both quickly and geologically, the entire team re-deployed to fielding press questions and making arrangements to excuse Ben from prior commitments to see to burying his mother. Rey had drafted the official press notice herself.
We regretfully announce the passing of Mrs. Leia Organa Solo on Friday August 4, 1964 due to complications of a stroke. Mrs. Solo will be laid to rest on Tuesday, August 8 at Mountain Oaks Cemetery following a memorial service at O'Hara-Meacham Funeral Home in Albany, New York at four o'clock in the afternoon.
Mrs. Solo is survived by her husband of 31 years, New York State Governor Han Solo, and her son, US Senator Benjamin Solo.
The family requests privacy during this difficult time. Gifts may be made in Mrs. Solo's name to the Leukemia Research Unit at Children's Memorial Hospital in New York City.
Han's call had stopped them all short. He was still at the hospital and wasn't making any sense when Hux tried to get a word in to ask questions.
"Fuck," Hux had breathed the word when he hung up, staring at the receiver. "Leia just died."
"Who are all these people?" Rey murmured quietly to Phasma. The room was already packed to standing room only and the funeral director hovered nervously at Ben's elbow in an attempt to start the service but did not approach to interrupt.
Rey had been watching Ben as closely as she could without staring. His default expression always bordered on a scowl, so it was difficult to gauge how he was holding up. He'd left Friday evening to join his father at home and she hadn't seen him until just now.
Besides, she didn't expect him to acknowledge her with the number of people crowded around him. There would be plenty of time for that later.
"Friends of the family, I suppose," Phasma replied at last. "They know so many people. I hope half this many come to my funeral when I die."
Rey hadn't thought that much about her own mortality.
The funeral director finally found his balls and stepped forward to grasp Han's elbow lightly, gesturing for him to take a seat at the front. Han still looked shellshocked; he was a man in a daze who was shadow of his normal, good-humored self. Ben appeared to be bearing the brunt of stoic mourning for them both.
A minister clad in a long black robe stepped to the lectern and adjusted the microphone before beginning. Rey wondered what denomination the man was.
"Friends, family, colleagues. We are gathered here together to celebrate the life and mourn the passing of Leia Organa Solo. Please, bow your heads with me as we ask our Father in heaven to hear our prayers."
For once, Hux bowed his head right along with them.
"Dear God," the minister intoned, "Sinful beings as we are, it is not for us to know your will. We can only ask that you reveal your plan to us, and comfort our hearts and minds when you do the unexpected. May you help us to understand your plan for calling your daughter Leia home now as we celebrate your gracious gift of her life amongst us here on earth. In the name of your Son we ask this, amen."
The audience echoed the amen and there was a brief pause as the speakers changed. The only sound in the hall was a stifled cough and the guests shifting in their chairs.
A rotating cast of friends and colleagues stepped to the front to relay anecdotes, recite poems, read from the Scriptures. If anything, the service seemed staid to Rey in comparison with the tornado of bossy energy Leia embodied. The hushed, reverent tones the speakers used to describe the deceased felt at odds with the lively, talkative woman she had only met a month ago.
She had only been to two previous funerals.
Rey rode with Hux and Phasma to the cemetery. The clouds that had crowded the sky since sunrise were darkening and a few drops dotted the windshield as they slogged up the small hill to the gravesite. The crowd thinned between the funeral home and the cemetery.
Han, Ben, and Tony took up their places in a row next to the casket. Tony cried openly and clutched a handkerchief in his fist.
The minister opened his Bible and began to read, wiping away drops of rain as they hit the tissue-thin pages.
"The word of the Lord as written by King Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes," he began.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and time to pluck up that which is planted.
Phasma choked back an audible sob beside her at the passage and Hux placed his arm around her shoulders.
Rey bowed her head as the verses were read but she snuck a glance at Ben across the open grave. He stared slightly above the heads of the crowd gathered at the burial site with his hands folded stiffly in front of him.
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
As if he could feel her looking, his eyes met hers and Rey bit her lips. He looked away after a beat and she thought he mouthed something, a single word she couldn't make out.
"... into your hands, we commend her spirit. Amen!" The minister finished.
"Amen," the mourners repeated and then the heavens opened. Black umbrellas went up around them and the crowd hurried back to their cars.
Rey had seen her fair share of hotel bars thus far in 1964: small ones, large ones, old ones and sad ones. Some were elegant while others were slightly tacky.
They all served their purpose, and she had grown fond of collecting the matchbooks from each one. No matter how remote or small, the hotel bar had its own design, and it reminded her of all the places they'd been.
This one struck her as both sad and old. The walls were a dark wood pine paneling reminiscent of the cabin she'd summered at in Canada with her parents. A few red leatherette booths studded with brass tacks lined one wall under wicker shades casting little light over the tables. By the time she ditched her bag in her room, the rest of the team were gathered a high table in the middle with barstools and were nursing drinks. Only the men were present when she entered the bar.
"Hey," she greeted them. "Where'd everyone else go?"
"Phas took something and is lying down," Hux shrugged. "She's really upset, said she wanted to be alone."
Rey nodded but didn't comment. Phasma had been surprisingly, demonstrably upset at the ceremony, moreso than Rey had expected.
"Did the Senator go up to his room too, or is he still with his dad?" Finn asked.
Hux cracked a smile, however small, for the first time in days. "Ben's in his room. Four days straight with Han is enough to make him homicidal."
"Alone?" Rey asked.
Hux shrugged. "I think he wants to be alone."
They all looked at each other, no one sure what to do at this point. Since Friday, everything up until now had been carefully choreographed and scheduled and they were at a loss to know how they should feel.
"I'm going to get another drink," Finn offered. "Can I get you something? Your usual?"
"Thanks," Rey accepted gratefully. "And- a matchbook, please." She struggled up onto the tall barstool. The dress she'd chosen had little give to the fabric and she felt hobbled by her outfit.
"What a day," Hux said miserably. "I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to go back to work." He tugged at his tie until the knot loosened and he undid the top button on his dress shirt. "I can't believe it's only Tuesday."
"Amen," Finn replied, sliding the tumbler of booze across the wood table to her.
Rey raised her glass half-heartedly. "To Leia?"
"Here, here," they toasted and took a hearty swig.
No one dared say it, but it felt strange being gathered without having Ben with them. While they had their friendships outside of work, he was the glue that had brought them together. Without him, an awkward vibe sometimes fell over them in each other's company.
"Has anyone talked to Ben? Really talked to him?" Rey wondered out loud.
The men looked sheepish but no one answered her. Rey sighed aloud and swirled the alcohol over the ice cubes. The bartender had used enough ice for a Coca-cola and it was already diluting her drink.
"Well, maybe someone should check on him," she muttered half to herself.
When no one offered, Rey looked up from her drink to realize they were all looking at her.
"Oh, what? No!" Rey cried. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"
Her colleagues shifted on their stools and averted their eyes again.
"Because," Finn tried. "Y'know." He turned his glass in the ring of condensation on the table. "Cuz you'd be the best of any of us."
Rey's eyes widened before narrowing to scowl at her friend. "Because isn't a reason, it's a conjunction!"
They looked uncomfortable and Rey had the distinct feeling like they'd discussed this and made a decision without her before she'd arrived.
"This had better not be because I'm a woman," she sneered. "It's not like I have special organs that make me better at dealing with grief than the rest of you!"
"Rey, no!" Dopheld, normally so stoic, spoke up suddenly. "We know that. We just thought since you've been in the same situation-"
"Because you know what it's like," Hux interrupted Mitaka. "Better than we do."
Rey's mouth fell open at this and she glanced at each of their faces. They were studiously avoiding her eyes and looking into their drinks.
"Oh," she said shortly, the realization dawning on her.
Because of her parents.
She supposed it wasn't an unreasonable assumption, not on the surface. Rey pressed her lips together and scowled at the liquid in her glass.
"We could do it together?" She suggested this halfheartedly, knowing no one would agree to join her.
"That might seem like an ambush, don't you think?" Hux crinkled his nose. "I don't want him to feel like we're rushing him back to the campaign. Even though…." He trailed off without saying what they were all thinking. The first debate was already the following week. The opposition's team had not taken the suggestion of rescheduling kindly, and some words that didn't bear repeating had been said. Hux had been as red as his hair when he'd hung up in anger from that call.
Rey glanced around at them once more before picking up her drink and draining it with a long gulp. The cold whiskey burned as it went down and pooled in her stomach. So the senator's well-being was her burden to bear. She pushed aside a nagging thought of the last time she'd gone to Ben's door alone.
"You are such a bunch of fucking cowards," she spat at them. She tucked her purse beneath her elbow and slid off the stool as gracefully as she could manage.
"He's in three-sixteen," Hux called after her.
She didn't look back as she exited the bar, her middle finger raised over her head.
The hotel was only three stories, but Rey rode the elevator to the top. Her dress shoes were pinching her toes and she didn't care to walk up the stairs.
She could only pretend to admire the art prints of red-coated riders following the hounds in the hallway by the elevator for so long before she took a deep breath and proceeded down the corridor.
Her first, gentle knock went unanswered and she retreated a little ways back down the hall in relief before steeling herself to knock once more.
The only sound she could hear was a maid vacuuming in another room with the door open, her cart wedged against the wall.
Rey crossed her arms and pursed her lips to one side. Could Ben not hear her knocking with the background noise? Against her better judgement, she ignored the Do Not Disturb sign, tried the door and found it open.
She entered the darkened room, noting that the lights were off.
"Ben?" she called hesitantly. She didn't see him anywhere in the dim light.
"Oh, hey Rey," he slurred. He slouched in the arm chair with it turned towards the windows, staring out at the dusk. Rain pelted the sliding glass door. The room smelled slightly of mildew and more strongly of alcohol.
Rey perched behind him on the edge of the bed, taking in the scene. The comforter was still neatly folded, pulled up to the pillows and turned down at the corner. Only the mints had been moved to the end table. The styrofoam ice bucket sat empty on the desk.
Neither of them spoke and Rey counted four minutes on the alarm clock.
"The guys thought I should come check on you," she ventured. When there was no response, she continued. "I'm sorry about Leia, Ben. I wish I'd gotten to know her better."
He snorted. "That makes two of us."
His blunt answer caused her stomach to sink. Leia had seemed so warm when they'd met. They hadn't spent much time together but Leia had stopped moving for a second or two to ask Rey a few questions about her background and her work. It had felt genuine, if brief. There was something in Leia's manner that made Rey feel like it was impossible to lie to her.
"I know what it's like," she went on. "To lose a parent."
"It's fine," Ben retorted, taking another swig of his drink. "I'll be fine." His glass hit the side table with a soft thud.
She rose at this, crossed her arms and walked beside him, into his field of vision. His tie was loose and his shirt sleeves pushed up, his cufflinks cast aside on the side table he'd dragged near the chair. He didn't look at her.
"You're not fine," she breathed.
"Sorry you drew the short straw," he said bitterly. He glanced up at her then and she could see he was struggling to look hard. "But I'm a grown-up. You can tell them to quit worrying. I'll be fine."
She resisted the urge to snap at him for this show of bravado. He was obviously upset, whether he knew it or not.
"It's alright to be sad. If you need more time, we can just rearrange some things-"
"Rearrange?!" Ben scoffed and sank further down in the chair. "We don't rearrange for feelings. She taught me that much." He adopted a fake British accent, one that perfectly mimicked Leia's fading upper crust tone. "'Stiff upper lip and carry on, Ben!' Just like her mother, that one."
Rey just looked at him. The rain at the burial had destroyed his hair and it was hanging across his forehead and into one eye. The ends curled and she noticed how it was even longer that it had been in July. He closed his eyes wearily and his head lolled back against the faded floral upholstery of the chair.
"Sorry," he muttered. "It's not your fault."
Rey was silent for a long moment before answering, "It's not yours either."
"I'm just…" Ben shook his head slowly without opening his eyes. "I've never felt so alone."
"You're not alone," Rey whispered and closed the gap between them to brush the hair away from his face. His eyes flew open at her touch and her heart lurched to see how boyish he looked as he gazed up at her. Ben sat up and leaned forward into her hand. His arms went around her waist and she swayed against him. He pressed his forehead against her stomach and nuzzled the fabric of her dress.
"Neither are you." His reply was so soft his voice was nearly lost in her skirt.
Rey's fingers tangled in his hair behind his head and she closed her eyes when she felt the sudden rush of heat between her thighs. The weight of his arms against the soft flesh of her sides touched off the ache that she had been denying for months. She had pictured this moment a hundred times, a thousand ways, but nothing had prepared her adequately for how seductive it would feel to finally stop resisting.
His grip tightened and his sharp intake of breath made her look down once more. Rey saw the look that had come over his features. The lost boy was replaced by a wolf.
"Ben," she managed before he surged up from the chair and pulled her up flush against him.
Her mouth slanted over his as he stumbled backwards towards the bed. Rey tried to lift her legs to wrap them around him but her dress was too tight over her hips and her knees knocked against his thighs. He turned when his legs bumped the edge of the mattress, laying her down with a gentleness that belied the urgency she felt.
Never had Rey felt so desperate to feel someone's skin against hers. Clothes were the most unnecessary invention mankind had ever made and her fingers shook as she tried to unbutton his shirt, her hips bucking up as his hand snaked under her hemline and his thumb brushed the cleft of her sex through her pantyhose. She whimpered into his mouth at the contact and outright moaned when the flat of his hand covered the same spot.
"Mmmppphf," Ben panted as he broke their kiss. "Are you sure about this?" His lips hovered just over hers and her only response was to pull him down again with her hand on his neck. His hand retreated and he balled his fist in the material of her skirt. It tightened around the backs of her thighs and she relished the sensation of being caught, held at his mercy.
Rey finally managed his buttons and began to ease the damp material off his broad shoulders. He drew back from her to free his arms and she propped up on her elbow to watch as he stripped of his undershirt in one smooth motion. It joined his dress shirt on the foot of the bed. He crawled back over her and her hands went instinctively to his chest.
"Ben, do you have-" Rey broke off and she could feel a flush rising to her cheeks. He looked down at her and there was no denying the lust in his eyes. "I mean, I have something if you don't. In my room."
Rey felt nervous when he did not answer right away, but instead ducked his head and kissed the line of her neck from behind her ear to the span of her shoulder. Would she risk it if he said no? Go to her room and not come back? Her eyes fluttered closed and she lay very still in anticipation, but her resolve was weakening with every brush of his whiskers against the tender skin of her throat.
"You always surprise me, Rey," Ben's voice was husky and close to her ear. She practically writhed with longing at the sound. "I have some."
Relief flooded through her and she felt so many conflicting things in that moment: stupid and innocent, but also bold and worldly. Ben pushed up and went to his bag. She sat up and wriggled out of her underwear and stockings, then knelt on the bed in anticipation.
Ben doubled back from locking the door, tossed the box on the bed near the pillows and held out his hand. "C'mere," he beckoned her to the edge.
Rey shuffled forward to him obediently and he cupped her chin to tilt her face to his. He fumbled only for a moment with the tiny button above the zipper down her back, then broke his kiss to work the offending material up and over her head. His lips met hers a second later and then it was his turn to gasp as her hands pried open the buckle of his belt. There was no way to avoid brushing her fingers against his manhood where it strained against the fly of his trousers as she opened them and her pulse throbbed between her legs when she saw how he stilled at the slightest contact.
"Lie down," she commanded.
He obeyed without hesitation and she threw her leg over him. He bucked against her and she clapped her hand over her mouth to keep from crying out at the sensation of his underwear being soaked with her wetness. Ben's hands found her breasts and she nearly doubled as he gave them a possessive squeeze. She bit her bottom lip to silence herself and drew her slip over her head. The pile at the foot of the bed grew.
To her surprise, Ben crooked one elbow behind his head and chuckled.
Rey froze at the sound. Was he laughing at… her?
"What?"
"It's so dumb," Ben's eyes crinkled in amusement but he looked embarrassed. He attempted to sober when he saw her expression. "It's just… I'm laughing because I've been wondering if you had freckles on your stomach, too."
"My stomach?" Rey hazarded a glance down at her own midsection. Aside from a small mole near her navel, it was an unbroken, creamy expanse.
"Yeah, your stomach," Ben sat up and gripped her waist again. He glanced down at her middle before meeting her her eyes and continuing. "And your back. And your thighs. And your… your silly little tits."
A bolt of longing shot through Rey's midline at his confession. Before she could chicken out, she spit out her own.
"And I've been wondering if your cock lives up to your big mouth, Senator."
Ben's face cycled through his emotions in an instant-shock, amusement, then a trace of uncertainty before he finally swallowed and replied very seriously, "You wanna find out?"
Rey captured his lips once more, her hands pressed flush against his sides of his cheeks.
"Yes," she whispered, her lips still against his. "Please."
And then, she found out.
She found out until they lost all track of time.
She found out until well after the sun had set and the only light in this hotel room was the one coming in the window from the light over the parking lot below.
She found out sprawled shamelessly on top of the quilted polyester comforter, until she had forgotten the reason for their even being in this sad, old hotel in the first place.