Scully's mind was completely discombobulated, a state which was foreign to her well composed demeanor. It was as if a tornado was crashing through each part of her brain rendering her completely incompetent of clear thought. She found herself stuck in the past, thinking only of the memories she had shared with Mulder, and of the argument that ended their time together. For five years she had prayed for his return, and her prayers were finally answered, but now she felt as if she was ruining the gift. Everything she tried to do seemed wrong, and now she was questioning her entire life. Nothing was safe from her overwhelming doubt as she looked back on her life without Mulder.
Skinner had been the one to tell her Mulder was gone, in return he was the first to know of her pregnancy. They were friends, all three of them. It wasn't weird for her to share personal information with him. She didn't give him details, she had only said she was pregnant. That wasn't crossing any unknown boundary. Scully wondered what other choices she had made led her right into Skinner's waiting arms, what choices Mulder would now condemn.
"Damn him!" She cried to herself as she hit her hand on the steering wheel. Only Mulder could make her question years of calculated decisions. He was in her head, once again destroying her sense of normalcy and understanding. Scully had grown more open minded as his partner, but her nature was to be always practical and sensible. Rarely did she make a spontaneous decision, so why was she doubting years of her life as if she had randomly decided to marry the first person she saw. It took years for Skinner to gain her complete trust. It took years for her to see him as any more than a friend. She was furious with Mulder for making her feel guilty. It was obvious she never fully moved on, she could admit that. In fact, Scully thought it was plainly apparent that she was still in love with Mulder.
As soon as she thought that, Skinner's face flashed through her mind. The man that had supported and loved her in the most hopeless part of her life would not be so easily forgotten. She did love him, it was a more subdued love than what she felt for Mulder, but it was still love. Skinner provided her with the life she had dreamed about while she was constantly running from one X file to another. He replaced her endless trekking with a stable home and comfortable routine. Skinner put her and William before everything else, their welfare and happiness were his only priorities. For years, he had asked for nothing in return, he simply gave. Now she had promised him her heart, the only thing he wanted, and it seemed as if it was not hers to give.
Memories flooded her mind of all the moments that she shared with Walter and not Mulder. It was Walter that went to her doctor's appointments, and helped her through the months of morning sickness. When William first kicked, she and Walter were having dinner. She had stopped eating, shocked at the movement, and quickly placed his hand on her swollen belly to share the experience. He waited patiently through her thirty-six-hour labor, he even offered support to an anxious Maggie. As soon as William was born, she saw a light brighten in Walter's eyes. There was a tenderness underneath his hard exterior that shined when he was around William. The memories were endless. He had been at every birthday party, every Christmas, he went trick-or-treating every Halloween, he was even at her home three days of the week for dinner before they finally moved in together. Yet now, she pictured Mulder heartbroken at all the moments he had missed, and it tainted each happy memory with an overwhelming melancholy.
Scully sighed, confronting her emotions was never her strength, so she hated that it was all she had been doing since Mulder's arrival. She liked when things were logistic with clear points, and emotions inhibited that way of thinking. She was torn between the man she had loved, and the man she thought she now loved. It wasn't a simple choice, it didn't even make sense most of the time. Five years was enough time for her mind to fantasize about her long-lost love, making it something more than it was. Five years was also enough time for her to fall in love with a man that adored her and her child, but it still felt as if something was missing. She was floating in limbo with no clear direction to go. Even now, she sat in her car alone. Unable to find solace in the hospital room with Mulder, and unable to go home and confront Skinner. There was only one person she could bear to see, the only person she could profess her heart to. Scully took a few deep breaths before turning on the car and leaving the hospital, bound relieve her stress to compassionate ears.