I am sure I got some time spans wrong and I also know that some eagle-eyed Tony fans, inclined towards historical accuracy (Hint hint: igotyoufirst) will correct me... please do.

Her heart was screaming with denial but as she bent, her mind told her to face facts and accept her worse fears. She looked under the table and took a deep breath because there was an empty bottle of Johnny Walker Whisky on the floor.

Pepper straightened and just looked at Tony who stared back, blinking myopically at her. She bit her lip, trying to calm herself down.

I am not going to overreact. I am not going to overreact. I am going to listen to what he has to say.

Out loud, she said clearly, "Tony, have you been drinking?"

He looked down, covered his face with his hand and then nodded into his hand.

Her heart clenched with pain. "Tony, you... you haven't touched alcohol for the last 6 years. Why... why now... and how much have you been drinking? Is that what you have been doing all these days? Hiding down here and drinking?"

He said in a muffled tone, "No, no, Pep, not everyday... this is just the second day. Second drink. That's it."

"How drunk are you?"

"I just drink... I just want to sleep... no dreams... don't want no dreams..." he said slowly.

She looked at him sadly. "You have been having bad dreams... why didn't you tell me?"

Tony simply shrugged and gave her an empty grin.

"Same old stuff. Nightmares... except now they are actually memories and I get to relive them in my sleep. Stay awake, no peace. In sleep, no peace. I just wanted... with the alcohol... to go into that mind-numbing blackness. But no..."

He shook his head sorrowfully. "Just not happening. Maybe I should try vodka instead of scotch?"

Pepper wanted to scream but she settled for catching him by the shoulders. Resisting the urge to shake him hard, she said firmly, "Tony, I know you are upset about Peter but-"

"Silly kid." He said angrily and she kept quiet. "I told him to stay on Earth. This is not your fight. Stay out of it. But no!"

He has a lot on his chest, he needs to get it out. I need to get him to let it all out.

His voice rose in anger. "He had to leave his field trip, his school bus, his aunt, his everything. He had to come after me. And then he had to sneak on board the spaceship. I told him to stay out of it! He just wouldn't listen to me!"

Tony slammed the table so hard, that the phone shook and fell, replaying Peter's message. "Hey Mr. Stark, just wanted to say hi. So hey, hi-"

She quickly turned it off as he moved away from the table, muttering to himself, "He had so much going for him. So bright, so talented, so smart and such a good kid. But no, he had to follow me into space... wait..."

Tony turned back to Pepper and shook his head. "It isn't his fault. It is mine."

"How is it your fault, Tony?" she asked gently. "He was nearly an adult, he-"

"He was safe in Queens, Pepper!" Tony said harshly. "Doing his friendly-neighborhood superhero thing. With his cheap elastic suit and goggles. He was safe. Then the billionaire, genius, yours truly," he tugged on his robe, "I had to seek him out. I had to go to his home and tell him about the Avengers. I am the one who involved him in the fight against Steve. That was me. He was hurt there as well. Why didn't I stop at that time? Why!"

"Didn't you try to keep him away after that, Tony?" Pepper reminded.

"I did try but then," he smacked his forehead so hard that she winced, "then I had to give him the fancy advanced Stark Spidey suit. With his own AI and webbing and a built-in parachute. And I had told him to stay low and do small stuff. But he wouldn't listen to me even then."

"Tony... you said it yourself, Peter was bright and smart... you think a boy like that is going to sit quietly and watch as others do evil around him?"

Tony wasn't paying any attention to her, he was busy reliving memories. "When he took on that metallic bird man, Pepper... on the Long Island ferry, I took his suit away. I told him he had to do things on his own."

She said firmly, "Tony, he didn't listen to you there either. Later he took on the Vulture without the Stark suit. And he succeeded."

Tony covered his eyes with his hands, his voice quavering, "I was so damn proud of him. He actually listened to me, that the suit didn't matter, that the tech didn't matter... the kid did it on his own. And even when I offered him a place with the Avengers, he was so mature, he turned it down. He just wanted to help the little guys. He finally understood what it meant to be a hero."

Pepper couldn't bear to see him continue to torture himself with memories. "You tried your best, Tony. It just-"

"That's what I told May." He whispered hoarsely, his brown eyes wide and haunted as they met hers. "I told her, I did my best. I put everything into the Iron Spider suit. I did my best to fight Thanos. But I still couldn't save Peter."

She said with shock, "You spoke to his aunt May?"

"I called her the day we came back. When you were working in your office upstairs. I had to Pep," Tony said sorrowfully, "I had to tell her. He was all she had left. And I took that away from her."

"Tony... we should have done that together. You shouldn't have done this alone." She whispered. "I would have been there for you."

"She was so angry. And so defeated. And so right. You had to make him an Avenger, Stark. You had to take my boy into space, to die! She was so right, Pepper. Just like Sokovia. Just like that lady's son, the university student who died in Sokovia, who went there to build houses. Everyone died around me. Strange, the other Peter, Star-Lord... the big angry alien dude and the weird lady. They all just died. And I couldn't do a thing."

Pepper lost her patience. She rounded the table and caught Tony by the collar of his robe. He just looked at her dully and she knew she had to pierce his aura of drunkenness and self-pity.

"Tony Stark," she said tightly, "You have got to snap out of this! You have got to get a grip! I know they all died up there! But you tried your best! You didn't just stand there and let them die! And you nearly died yourself, you fool! Did you forget that?"

She had his full attention now. Tony looked at her, wide-eyed. If the situation wasn't so serious, she would have laughed at the frightened expression on his face.

"Pep..." he murmured, in a low scared tone. "It is alright, calm down."

"Tony, didn't you say that Strange gave up the Time Stone to keep you alive? Why do you think he did that?"

Tony opened his mouth and then closed it. He shook his head in confusion.

"Think, Tony, think. He could have chosen anyone else. He could have kept himself alive. But he didn't, he chose you. What do you think about that, Tony?"

Tony babbled out, "Using the Time Stone, Strange could see into the future and examine multiple outcomes of the same situation. He was doing that, while we were waiting for Thanos. It was so weird, the way he was rotating in place, trying to move through the multiple results."

She sighed and let him go. "So in one of those outcomes, he must have seen that you guys would stop Thanos. Tony, don't you see? You are part of that outcome. That's why he saved you. That's why he told Thanos to keep you alive and take the Stone instead."

Now Pepper wanted a drink badly but she controlled herself and looked for some water. Then she chided herself.

This is Tony Stark's den. Do you think he will have water lying around?

She took Tony's hand, determined to get him out of his cave, which was suddenly full of death and alcohol.

"Come on, Tony. I need some water and you need to freshen up and get sober. We need to talk."

He let go of her hand and she looked at him. Tony stood there in his bare feet and looked at her solemnly.

"Pepper... I know what you are going to say. And I don't blame you for it. I understand you need to do what you need to do. Just... come out and say it. For what is it worth, I'm sorry."

For a moment, Pepper was confused. Then from the sadness in his eyes and the way his jaw tightened, she realized what he was thinking.

She walked right up to him, looked into his eyes and said tightly, "Do you think I am going to walk away from you? That I am going to leave you, ending our seven-year relationship just like that! Do you?"

He said sadly, "I wouldn't blame you for doing that. Everything around me, dies. Or disappears. I shouldn't have survived space. I should have died in that fight with Thanos."

Pepper's control on her emotions was wearing thin. She said angrily, "But you didn't, Tony! You are alive and instead of mopping here and drinking, you should be doing something!"

"Like what..."

"Like helping those who survived!" She shoved the newspaper, she had been holding at him. "Like helping Rhodey!"

Tony took the newspaper from her and blinked at it, reading softly, "Decorated Air Force Colonel's trial today." Then he gasped. "Rhodey is on trial! For what?"

Pepper clenched her fists in anger as she said tightly, "From what I learnt through my Army contacts, James went to Wakanda to help the outlawed Avengers, mainly Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanoff. Bruce was also there. The alien force of Thanos converged on Wakanda for reasons no one knows. Not much is known of what happened. You know that Wakanda is a very reclusive country and does not allow foreign press or foreign citizens. But the point is, James came back to the US yesterday."

"And now he is being court-martialed for helping Steve..." whispered Tony.

"Exactly! Our friendly Secretary of State, Thaddeus Ross is out for Rhodey's blood, because apparently James disobeyed his direct orders and went to Wakanda to help the criminal Avengers. That's why he is insisting on a quick court-martial. They will try to prove that James went rogue, just like Steve and Natasha."

Tony rubbed his forehead and exclaimed loudly, "Oh god, Ross and his damned Accords! And Rhodey! Well, I can't really blame him, he would want to do something... but with his injuries, I thought he would stay put! Shit! A trial! That too, led by Ross!? What a cluster fuck!"

Pepper felt hope fill her as she saw Tony's reaction to the news.

She clasped him by the shoulders and said softly, "We can save James, Tony! The trial is going to be held at Fort Irwin, in five hours! We can be there in an hour!"

"And what would we do, Pep? I don't see how..."

"We can take the stand as witnesses! I know the lawyer who is representing James. I spoke to him earlier. He said that everyone is confused about what really happened. If we come in and explain clearly, how James was acting in the interest of the American people and trying to stop-"

Tony interrupted her, turning pale. "Let me get this straight, you want us to go to an Army base and take the stand as witnesses for Rhodey, in front of all those Army folks! Explain what happened with Thanos! In a highly publicized trial, where the media will converge on the area like rats! No way, Pepper! Oh no! I have already gone through one of these trials and I will not do so again!"

He shook his head firmly at her.

Pepper said quietly, "Tony, I know the trial you are speaking of, the one where you faced the Senate. I was there too, you know. I know you are scared of facing the media-"

He surprised her by erupting violently, "Of course I am scared! Once again, Iron Man has to explain how the super-heroes screwed up and let Earth down! First to the Army and then to the media! Once again I am being made accountable! Me! Tony Stark, somehow at the center of the catastrophe!"

"Tony," she said slowly, "No one is asking you to explain the actions of the rogue Avengers. You do not need to go into details of what happened in space. We just need to be there for James."

He sighed loudly and looked at her sadly. "What is the point, Pepper? I would just make things worse. I always do by showing up. I do not see how we can help Rhodes. He will just have to face this on his own."

Pepper swallowed hard, trying to control her emotions. She was angry, sad and rather horrified at Tony's defeatist attitude.

I thought he would get his fighting spirit back at the mention of James in trouble. Tony... has Thanos broken you?

She said quietly, "We can't just leave him, Tony. He is our friend, remember? James has been through so much with us. He's also gone through a lot and we do not even know what happened to him in Wakanda-"

Pepper stopped because Tony had raised his hand and looked at her silently, his eyes dark, hard and distant. She had seen him like this before, when Stane was mentioned or his father.

He said tightly, "I do not want to face the world and tell them that... that their heroes failed them. That Thanos won. That six brave people are dead but yet I managed to survive. That countless more, may be dead in Wakanda. I can't do that, Pepper. I am sorry, I cannot."

"This is not about you, Tony Stark. This is about Rhodes! Our friend, if you recall, who had your back many a time. You can't let him down when he needs you!"

Tony's eyes flashed with emotion. "I have let him down before, Pepper. The one time when I had his back, when I was supposed to be looking out for him, I let him down then. That's why he can't walk on his own two legs. I have let him down before. This time will be no different."

Pepper was struggling to control her tears. The deep bitterness in his voice was unbearable to her ears. And words were failing her.

"Tony... you... you have done a lot of good... it wasn't your fault what happened to Rhodey. Besides, let us focus on the current situation. He's depending on us."

He lowered his head and said sadly, "Well he shouldn't. Nobody should. I can't help anyone anymore."

Pain stabbed her heart as she watched him turn his back to her and walk slowly towards the bathroom.

Pepper swallowed once and then once again but the hard lump in her throat just wouldn't go away. She left the basement, controlling the urge to cry, blinking hard to get rid of the moistness in her burning eyes.